Don Garber Leaves GAM Out For Trick Or Treaters

Montclair, NJ - Montclair resident Heather Anderson stated that her daughter Olivia reported that the Major League Soccer (MLS) Comissioner Don Garber left GAM out for trick or treaters, instead of candy.

Anderson’s daughter, who was dressed as a soccer ball, was shocked to get $10,000 of GAM instead of her favorite Reese’s Pieces. “This is the worst Halloween ever,” stated Olivia Anderson.

Mrs. Anderson was likewise confused by the situation as she explained, “I thought GAM was a new kind of candy bar, but this? Is this actual legal tender?”

We spoke to Commissioner Garber about the situation and he had the following to say, “Admittedly I had a lot of GAM just getting stale around the house, so why not give it to our insipid youth who need a nice serotonin boost during the holidays.”

Sources also indicate that the GAM wrapper had a note that asked people to politely consider Sporting Kansas City vs Minnesota United a rivalry.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the USL house down the street advertises a free cash drop for kids with rolls of quarters to be extracted from an incontinent Llama branded with Las Vegas Lights marks.

Fan Is Just Looking For Some, "Like Minded Ultras Who Want To Use Flares And Don't Mind A Stadium Ban, Fine, And Possible Jail Time"

Oklahoma City, OK - Soccer fan Mark Andrews stated online that he is just looking for some, “like minded Ultras who want to use flares at soccer games and don’t mind the possibility of a stadium ban, a fine and jail time.”

Explaining, “Flares are totally fucking cool,” Andrews indicated that he wanted a bit more passion at games and he wanted to find some people who would be willing to go to the wall with their season tickets, next year, in order to improve the atmosphere.

“We would probably only need like 10 people a game for an entire home season, so like 200 or maybe even 300 people who are totally willing to not be able to watch a home game again for another year or two,” stated Andrews online.

“I think that we all know that this Ultra shit is totally cool and I’m just looking for some like minded people to go to the stadium for me who will be willing to do some badass things.”

Andrews request online elicited a number of positive responses from anonymous people he doesn’t know who don’t live in his area and have no actual experience going to soccer games as he began to curate his list of people who would actually be willing to show up.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Andrews finds out he would be banned from both USL and MLS games.

Legacy Of Supporters Shield Falters As Scientists Indicate It Would Fail To Protect Against A Trebuchet Attack

Cambridge, MA - The legacy of the Supporter’s Shield faltered, today, as scientists with Harvard University indicated that the shield would fail to protect against a common Trebuchet attack as they viciously derided the shield as a protective measure.

WHAT KIND OF DEFENSIVE CAPABILITY DOES THIS SHIELD OFFER?!

“The first thing we must be aware is that, as a shield, it is too small,” stated Dr. Dave Thomas, professor of Armor and Heraldry. “We must understand that the idea of a small, circular shield giving enough coverage to an average man standing in the field facing down a trebuchet attack is absolutely preposterous.”

The Shield is a fan created and financed trophy awarded to the team with the best record in Major League Soccer.

However, modern pundits and scientists indicate that more thought should be given to the protective nature of the shield, as a whole.

“We are talking about Song dynasty soldiers with a trebuchet launching bombs of lime and sulphur against the ships of the Jin Dynasty navy during the Battle of Caishi,” stated Thomas. “You aren’t just going to stand out there with the supporters shield during such an attack. Li Quan didn’t write about the supporters shield defeating the mighty trebuchet.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans discuss whether the Supporter’s Halberd could actually eviscerate mounted combatants.

"Carli Lloyd Farewell Tour" Adds Additional Performances

CHICAGO - Due to the demand for content, producers of the “Carli Lloyd Farewell Tour” indicated that they added 10 additional performances to its already lauded run.

The show, written, directed and starring Carli Lloyd, has added new performances from November 9th to February 16th 2022 across the nation.

This is the final extension of the show, the producers said.

For those who cannot get enough of the farewell tour, sources indicate that Carli Lloyd: One Woman Against Korea will be released on streaming services soon.

MLS Announces Tag Team Grudge Match To Decide 1st Place With Tim Melia And The Rock Taking On Stone Cold Steve Austin And Cristian Roldan

NEW YORK - Today, Major League Soccer (MLS) announced a tag team grudge match to decide first place in the west with Tim Melia and The Rock taking on Cristian Roldan and ExtraTime pundit Stone Cold Steve Austin at Children’s Mercy Park in Kansas City.

Growling, “THERE WILL BE NO MERCY IN THE PARK THIS TIME, CHILDREN,” a jacked up Andrew Weibe handed the microphone to Melia who expressed that the Seattle Sounders were, “Jabronis, first and foremost, who needed a good SMACKDOWN…. if you smell what Melia is cookin.”

Sources indicate that the match will be a straight forward Tag Team match as Roldan escort Brian Schmetzer ruled out Ladders and Chairs.

However, the lack of dangerous implements at the fight did nothing to calm down the vitriolic trash talk from the players and pundits.

Roldan took to the microphone to challenge The Rock/Melia pairing stating that he was going to, “stomp a metaphorical mudhole in so-called Dwayne,” as he smashed a Coors Light flavored BODYARMOR can against his forehead and gave the camera the finger.

For his part, The Rock declined to be interviewed as he sent a publicist who stated that the former wrestler was currently in Zambia shooting scenes for a biopic on the life of David Livingstone.

Finally the microphone was given to ExtraTime Pundit Stone Cold Steve Austin who stated, “Stone Cold says that Cristian Roldan was in the right. What we see in this video is just the beginning. It’s not gonna be Mercy Park after we get done with this match because Austin 3:16 says that we are going to whoop your ass.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as VAR overturns Austin 3:16 after finding that it was one toenail over the line.

Literally Everything Ever In The Known Universe Depends Upon Result Of USMNT Game

Toledo, OH - USMNT super fan Deryk Jacobson stated that, “literally everything ever that has ever been in the known universe depends upon the result of the upcoming United States Men’s National Team (USMNT) game.”

“EVERYTHING IS IN PLAY,” stated Jacobson to The Nutmeg News. “My happiness! The future of soccer in the United States! The future of soccer locally! The future of the youth! The World Cup! The Gold Cup! The future of games in Columbus! The legacy of Tyler Adams! The legacy of Berhalter! The future of my relationship with Sarah! The discovery of cold fusion! The PRACTICAL USE OF THE OXFORD COMMA! Electricity without fossil fuels! A resolution to global warming! The disproportionate reporting on pandas! Dancing bears! Dancing Penguins! WHETHER WE USE A SASH IN OUR KIT IN THE FUTURE! It’s all to play for!”

Friends state that Jacobson has slowly but surely become more and more strident in his insane beliefs that these national team games have some relevance beyond the games themselves.

“THIS IS A STATEMENT,” ranted Jacobson to a computer screen as he actively commented on anything with a USMNT hashtag. “THIS WHOLE GAME IS A STATEMENT AND IT MEANS EVERYTHING TO EVERYONE ABOUT EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. WE ARE TALKING ABOUT THE FUTURE OF OUR PLAYERS OVERSEAS WHICH WILL RESULT IN THE WORLD CUP IN 4 YEARS TIME UNLESS BERHALTER DOESNT PLAY OUR STARTING 11 TONIGHT WHICH WILL RESULT IN THE END OF TIMES AS WE ALL KNOW IT. DEAR GOD! HOW CAN WE LIVE THUS! NOMORESUMCONTROLLEDLEAGUEMLSSENDSOURBESTPLAYERSWHATABOUTPEPISTARTING!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Jacobson takes to Twitter to goad other people into a similar state of psychosis.

TFC Fan Accuses US Soccer Media Of Bias For Ignoring Toronto FC's Consistently Horrible Season

TORONTO - Toronto FC fan Philip Duprie took to Twitter and Facebook, today, to accuse the United States Soccer Media of bias for ignoring Toronto FC’s consistently horrible 2021 season.

"We've been terrible all season long and no one EVER wants to talk about us,” stated Duprie to The Nutmeg News. “It's always FC Cincinnati this and Houston Dynamo that, but WHAT ABOUT TORONTO?!"

Duprie’s online screed took aim at the, “United States Soccer Media Global Industrial Complex,” as he slammed them for ignoring the awful season of TFC and other Canadian Teams.

“Where’s our scathing indictments of our system and ownership,” stated Duprie. “Where are the think pieces about how awful 2021 has been for us? Where’s the pithy quips in the MLS Power Rankings? Where’s the discussion about our lack of effort in the MLS Ambition Guide?”

Duprie spared no organization as he focused on the lack of focus over his teams lack of focus during 2021.

“We have been consistently awful all season long, but we never get any credit for that,” ranted Duprie on his podcast. “If you look at the statistics, we are in contention for the wooden spoon and there’s nary a peep out there of how intense the race for the bottom is this season.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Duprie starts looking at the PPG for the remainder of the season to see if TFC have a chance at losing enough games to win the Wooden Spoon

General Manager Of Timbers Slams General Manager Of Thorns

Portland, OR - In a stunning move, Gavin Wilkinson, the General Manager of the Timbers, slammed Gavin Wilkinson, the General Manager of the Thorns, for their involvement in the Paul Riley scandal.

“I fully support the temporary suspension of Gavin Wilkinson from the Thorns,” stated Wilkinson to The Nutmeg News. “And I believe that in order to heal we must investigate, internally, what other parties in the league elsewhere other than here knew during that time.”

Wilkinson stated that he did not believe that Wilkinson’s behavior during the scandal and current uproar would hurt the Timbers brand as he indicated, “This is the Thorns we are talking about, not the Timbers. I’m the general manager of the Timbers, and there’s never been an abuse scandal in the Timbers organization that anyone has reported to the press, so far.”

“I believe in everyone getting a fair shake, and I support due process,” stated Wilkinson about Wilkinson. “We can suspend Wilkinson from the Thorns and that will allow us as a team to move forward towards reconciliation. I believe the facts will show that Wilkinson acted appropriately and I hope to continue working with my counterpart on the Thorns to ensure the safety of everyone in the organization.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when nothing else happens.

Revolution Fan Concerned That Excellent 2021 Play Will Make Their Inevitable Loss In Postseason Even More Devastating

BOSTON - New England Revolution fan Chuck McGill stated that he was concerned that the excellent 2021 play of the team will make their inevitable loss in the postseason even more devastating as he thought back on all the seasons past.

“I was excited for 2002, and 2005. I was worried in 2006, perplexed in 2007 and just fatalistic in 2014,” stated McGill. “And now, at this point, I’m just concerned that this inevitable loss will only be more devastating to me.”

With the Revolution coming in second during five MLS Cup Finals, McGill stated that he is just waiting for the supporters shield season to be over in order to celebrate the achievement before pretending like the playoffs is, “a bunch of bullshit.”

“It’s not even a REAL test of your overall team,” stated McGill on Facebook. “It’s just a random number generator for teams that get lucky. It’s complete bullshit! We should have the winner of the league be the supporters shield and call it good. No playoffs anymore.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as McGill watches every game between the cracks in his fingers as he sits on his couch staring at the television waiting for the end.

"Someone Should Really Get The Portland Thorns Organization Under Control," States Owner Of Portland Thorns

Portland, OR - Releasing a letter to the general populace, Portland Thorns owner Merritt Paulson stated, “Someone should really get the Portland Thorns organization under control,” before adding that he was shocked, today, at the revelations that he received via email 6 years ago.

“Had I known at all today that I’d be reading about the relevations that I received 6 years ago my past self would be stunned,” stated Paulson in an open letter to fans. “I wouldn’t have sent fawning communications and general banter publicly to the man accused of abuse if I had known now what I knew then. That would just be considered insanely inappropriate.”

The Thorns owner then blasted the out of control culture of permissive toxicity that permeated the Thorns front office as he announced an investigation into whoever was responsible for the culture of the Thorns front office by, “whatever method I feel is best.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the investigation started by the people who did the previous investigation finds that the previous investigation was valid.

Witty Soccer Fan Wakes Up To Find All The Landon Donovan Statue Jokes Taken

Seattle, WA - Witty soccer fan Ashley Haverbrook woke up, this morning, ready to make fun of the recent Landon Donovan statue only to find out that all the statue jokes were taken.

“Ah, goddammit,” muttered Haverbrook as she scrolled through her phone at all the jokes and takes that piled upon any original idea until it turned those good ideas into overwrought ideas run into the ground repeatedly that were good enough for a Bleacher Report video. “I was gonna have fun with this one.”

Haverbrook had to work late on Sunday and ended up trying to unwind at 11:45 pm while watching an episode of Community on Netflix thus causing her to not wake up until all the jokes were taken.

“Everything just moves so fast,” stated Haverbrook. “If you aren’t perpetually online when someone drops the picture of the insane Landon Donovan statue you miss the feast. By the time I came online all the lower tier Twitter accounts were fighting over the remaining viscera and the big accounts had drug away half a leg to gnaw on for the remaining 12 hours that this remains relevant.”

For her part, Haverbrook stated that she would attempt to be online more as she figures out a way to carve out time during her job and life to check in on Twitter, Instagram, Tik Tok, Facebook, and Discord in order to be relevant.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Haverbrook experiences a severe uptick in depression.