Empire State Building Thanks Gotham FC For Chance To Celebrate With Team As It Was Unable To Travel

NEW YORK - The Empire State Building, a historic inanimate New York skyscraper, reportedly took time to thank Gotham FC for giving the building a chance to celebrate with the 2023 NWSL Championship team as it was unable to travel to San Diego to see the team win.

“Thank you for this chance to celebrate with the team,” stated the Building as it came to life in what can only be described as a Holiday Miracle in order to reach out to the Gotham Front Office. “It would’ve felt a bit hollow to not have a chance to join in the celebrations and I really appreciate all the players taking time to take pictures and show the trophy.”

Sources say that the Building really appreciated the commitment of the Gotham team to celebrate with it since it was around since the team started.

“I just can’t believe that I finally have an NWSL championship to celebrate,” stated the Empire State Building. “I’m just glad that it feels like I am a part of the process and not just an afterthought on like all those people down there that look down on every day.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as 30 Rockefeller Plaza requests a chance to celebrate as well.

USMNT Inability To Score Goal 1 Minute Into Game Another Sign Of Berhalter Disaster

Austin, TX - Online sources indicate that the United States Men’s National Team’s inability to score a goal 1 minute into their game against Trinidad and Tobago in the Nations League is another sign of the Gregg Berhalter disaster.

“We are going to miss the World cup AGAIN,” stated USMNT fan Jason Smith. “Berhalter needs to be fired and all the players from the team need to start for Manchester City before we can compete with these nations.”

Fanboy accounts across the globe from USMNTThoughts to USMNTBelifePrayerLife to USMNTAmericanF3lon castigated the team for their inability to score as the fans trotted out 345 different lineups that,“Berhalter should’ve used.”

“We should be ahead 4,000,000,000 to 1,” stated @USMNTDenimManifestDestiny. “I can’t believe this! My entire night of watching this game and looking up instructions on how to access Twitter via a runescape mod are ruined.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans perform a strongly worded Tik Tok skit sent to US Soccer illustrating their demands.

Colorado Rapids Announce Phil Neville Has Already Been Reserved To Replace Chris Armas When He Is Eventually Dismissed

Denver, CO - Hot on the heels of their announcement appointing Chris Armas to the head coaching position of the Colorado Rapids, the front office of the Rapids also announced that when Armas is fired for being unable to succeed with a threadbare lineup that they have already reserved Phil Neville to replace him.

“We anticipate that Phil Neville will be available at that time and he is excited to take the chance to coach in Colorado after whatever experience he has in Portland over the next year or two,” stated one Rapids executive.

Sources say that the only way forward from Armas 40% win rate in Major League Soccer is Nevilles 39% win rate in Major League Soccer.

For his part, Neville remains excited by the opportunity as he claimed, “I’ve always enjoyed Denver and feel that it really resembles Manchester.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Portland Timbers announce Chris Armas will succeed Phil Neville.

Gotham FC Tells Heartbroken Fans That The True NWSL Championship Celebration Is The Friends We Made Along The Way

NEW YORK - After heartbroken fans took to the internet to complain about the lack of an NWSL victory celebration with the team and the fans, the leaders of Gotham FC indicated that the true NWSL Championship Celebration is the friends that we made along the way.

“It feels like there is a second part of this tweet that isn’t going to be as well received by your fans.”

“Look at each other and celebrate your own vibrant lives… just without us,” stated the Gotham Front Office to the Cloud 9 Supporters Group. “While we can’t promise any real tangible celebration, we do offer our heartfelt congratulations and a hearty YOU’RE WELCOME for all the memories you made this season.”

Supporters say that they felt robbed of an opportunity to truly celebrate a landmark achievement with the 2023 NWSL Champions as many fans were unable to travel across the country to San Diego to watch the team play.

“I just think that this is a bunch of bullshit,” stated one Cloud 9 member. “People would be having an open top bus parade if the Knicks simply won a playoff series.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Gotham auction off a paid opportunity to meet the NWSL trophy and 2 reserve players at a Newark Sbarro.

"Any Time You Get A Chance To Sign The Architect Of Four Straight Seasons Without The Playoffs You Gotta Take It," States Chicago Fire Owner

CHICAGO - An excited Chicago Fire owner Joe Mansueto was irrepressible at the press conference to announce the re-signing of Sporting Director Georg Heitz as he stated, “Any time you get a chance to sign the architect of four straight seasons without the playoffs you gotta take it.”

Citing Heitz’s consistency and his effort Mansueto indicated that he was very intrigued to see how the Fire would fare in the league going forward.

“It’s easy enough these days to make the playoffs,” stated Mansueto to reporters. “However, it takes a true genius to be able to miss the playoffs this much. Just think about it.”

Sources say that Manseuto then pulled up a statistical analysis of the last four years for the Fire as he walked people through all the decisions and moves it would take to manage to miss the playoffs in a league where nearly every half dead team makes it into the postseason somehow in a four year span.

“Here we have bad transfers, poor coaching decisions, ineffective designated players and porous defense,” stated Manseuto. “These aren’t just fly by night decisions but an overall holistic approach to the running of the Chicago Fire. We see here that re-signing Heitz to be the sporting director ensures the commitment to excellence that the Fire stand for in recent years with constantly missing the playoffs in a league where not making them somehow in a four year span nearly takes an act of god.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Fire announce Nery Castillo as their Designated Player scout.

Soccer Researchers Indicate MLS Playoffs May Actually Be Starting Soon

INTERNET - Researchers and unpaid interns with the University of South Davis released a paper today that indicates that the Major League Soccer (MLS) playoffs may actually be starting soon.

“Doing the work so you don’t have to.”

“There are enough signs and data points that we feel comfortable indicating that the playoffs may be starting soon,” stated Richard Evans, a research with USD.

The paper, which was released on Monday, indicates strong positive signs for playoffs that include —

1. Teams playing each other multiple times which may indicate a multi game series or possibly the end of the season

2. Increased Ticket Prices

3. Statistical research that it’s almost winter and playoffs are usually starting now

Sources with the university indicate that many fans have had a, “feeling in their bones that the playoffs should be starting soon,” however they indicated that they refused to rely on simple feelings as an indicator that the playoffs were starting.

“We are not the farmers almanac,” stated one researcher. “It’s important for us to collect data points that indicate when the playoffs start rather than relying on whether a beaver tells a rain drop to fall on a persimmon and that means 3 more Crew/Atlanta United games.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the paper is rejected as being unfounded by Miami research associated.