Sporting KC Fan Admits, "I'm Just Too Busy To Freak Out Right Now."

Kansas City, KS - Sporting Kansas City (SKC) fan Abram Halvorson admitted that he is, "just too busy to freak out right now" regarding news of Krisztian Nemeth's potential departure.

SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT.... 

Oh ... it'll be fine, right? RIGHT? SOMEONE HOLD ME.

"I'm trying to get this Fedex truck loaded and I don't have enough time to keep up with twitter today," stated Halvorson to The Nutmeg News on Friday.

With Dom Dwyer tweeting and then deleting a goodbye to Nemeth, all SKC fans are finding themselves fluctuating between hyperventilating, refreshing twitter and convincing themselves that this is all just a giant joke. 

"I'd love to be panicking, but these Amazon orders aren't going to load themselves. I plan on freaking out during my allotted time for my smoke break before returning back to only slightly freaking out as I get through the last few hours of my day. Once I get home, I'm planning on going into full panic mode unless this whole thing has been resolved by then," stated Halvorson. 

Reportedly Mr. Halvorson's friends have relentlessly sent him links on Facebook, Twitter and text message about the Nemeth situation and are upset at his inability to get mad right now.

"We need him to add some rage and context into our flailing," stated friend and season ticket holder Tony Brucio. "I just need to get him on the phone so I have someone to rant towards."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Mr. Halvorson gets home, opens a beer and sits back to let the paranoia and worry of twitter wash over the remaining 6 hours of his day.

OPINION: I Don't Want To Live In A Country Where I Can't Punch A Referee

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from a Mr Jones of Boston, MA. The viewpoints and opinions of Mr. Jones do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

Hey soccer fans, don't you think it is complete bullshit how a soccer referee gets so much protection? I think this as well. 

"This just looks like a very complicated and nuanced situation that would have been resolved by that one guy punching the other guy in the face."

I think I should be able to hit, push, punch and do whatever I want to referees at any time. I'm not saying that I HAVE done this, but as a man of the people I think that my viewpoint reflects everyone in the world's viewpoint that I should be able to punch a referee at any time.

Some referee's are subject to this rule more than others.

Like Mark Geiger. 

I'm just saying, If I was a soccer player, which I definitely am not, but if I WAS.... I'd probably like to give that guy a few strong shoves. Maybe even a cursing out. I shouldn't be penalized for that. I should be rewarded. If I was a soccer player (and I'm not) I should get a contract raise for that. Especially if that hypothetical guy (that isn't me) had apologized because honestly I wouldn't be sorry for pushing and screaming at a ref. They deserve it.

So in closing, (and this is purely theoretical) more money for me and referee's get punched.

Thanks,

Mr Jones

Brilliantly Struck Ball That Hit Off The Post In Training Seen As Good Omen For Dynamo

Houston, TX - A brilliantly struck ball that hit off the post in training has been lauded as a good omen for the Houston Dynamo as the pre-season heats up for Major League Soccer.

DOINK!

"Did you see that shit," stated Jim Harrison of Boerne, TX to his friend Tyler. "We are going to win the fucking league this year, I'm telling you what. All the Dynamo need to do is move that ball just two inches to the right and we will be golden." 

While Dynamo fans are now supremely confident in their chances for 2016, the rest of the supporters in Major League Soccer have reportedly urged their teams to post videos of balls ricocheting off posts to assuage any feelings of inadequacy. 

"My god, can ANYONE on our team hit the post?" screamed Oscar Gomez, a Seattle Sounders fan of Federal Way, WA.  "I just want a vine of the ball hitting the post so I know that we are trying to win the league this year. Fuck it. Fuck it all. #SigiOut."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Dynamo post a video of a crossbar drill.

Independent Supporters Council Adds Sponsorship

CHICAGO - The Independent Supporters Council announced a new sponsorship and brand relaunch after acquiring Subway as a sponsorship during the 2016 Chicago convention.

"So what we are saying is that we will Support Fresh with a new Garlic Parmesan intensity."

The Independent Supporters Council stated that they acquired Subway as a sponsor for their efforts and the efforts of their constituents in order to fill out the financial obligation of being a supporter.

"We thought this would be a way to get some more money in while eating fresh. This also allows us to support fresh, cheer fresh, pogo fresh, pyro fresh, dance fresh, curse fresh, T.I.F.O fresh,  and give away the golden sub award to the best supporter in each area," stated director of the ISC Convention and Chicago Fire fan Dom Donbrowski.  "We want to make sure that everyone knows that we in Section 8 support the fire and the fire that happens when you order the Habanero Mayo Frito Italian BMT from your local Subway."

With Subway now sponsoring the ISC, the name has been changed to "Eat Fresh With Subway, Independent Supporters Council" with some additional branding being launched in the coming weeks.

"We will be coordinating T.I.F.O. displays in stadiums across America that display the wealth of different subway sandwiches that are available. There will be main stage banners, overheads and two sticks to indicate the Roast Beef, Turkey and the new California Avacado and Durian Chicken Sub. It's important to be all in on this so that we can show our solidarity as it pertains to delicious Subway subs," stated director of T.I.F.O. coordination Robbie Fitzgerald. "We also want to work with the supporters groups that can do smoke and pyro to ensure that they don't cover the subway T.I.F.O while adding to the enhanced tasteful and delicious feeling of upcoming matches."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Subway regarding their new sponsorship and they had the following to say, "We, with Subway corporate, are excited to work with the youth of America and Canada (except for Regina, because our franchise there sucks) on this new project. We are very happy with the opportunity to expand our brand into a burgeoning collective of rad kids and youth that like to get down at the soccer. Long live whatever stupid team you support and Subway, a winning combination."

Desperately Unoriginal Dickhead Prepares "Brillant" Two Stick

NEW YORK - NYCFC fan Gary Hozier, a desperately unoriginal dickhead, has begun preparing a "Brillant" two stick for 2016 that references new signing Frederic Brillant.

A Brillant signing.... 

EDITORS NOTE - The intern responsible for this horrible caption has been fired. Thank you.

"It's funny, seriously, it is very very, very funny," stated Hozier to The Nutmeg News on Thursday. "Brillant is his last name but it kinda sounds like brilliant. I'll probably Guinness theme it as well," he stated further confirming his ability to reduce the new signing to a pun worthy of a kick in the groin.

While many people in Hozier's life have told him that doing this is not original and a terrible idea, Mr Hozier is desperate to rush forward in the creation of a pun two stick.

"I have to do it, I just have to. HAVE YOU SEEN HIS NAME? HAVE YOU? SERIOUSLY? IT LOOKS LIKE BRILLIANT. BRILLANT -- BRILLIANT.. BRILLANT -- BRILLIANT..  BRILLANT -- BRILLIANT..  DEAR GOD, IT MUST BE DONE."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Hozier argues whether it is two pole or two stick.

Stan Kroenke Tries To Buy MLS Team After Forgetting He Owns The Colorado Rapids

Dallas, TX - Stating, "It could be a good investment" Colorado Rapids owner Stan Kroenke attempted to place a multi-million dollar bid for FC Dallas after forgetting that he already owns a team in Major League Soccer.

Mr. Kroenke seen here allegedly demanding bribes, sexual favors and a lifetime supply of ribs from the city of St Louis in order to not move his NFL team.

Reportedly, Mr. Kroenke completely forgot that he owned the Colorado Rapids asking his assistant Marcus, "Wait, I already own a team in MLS? Is that the team I'm trying to force a move to a new city or the team that I already forced a move to a new city? This isn't the Nuggets, right? I'm moving that team as soon as I can. I thought I only bought ONE of those soccer team things. I was pretty messed up on adrenachrome and mescaline during most of 1994 to 1996 so I don't really remember any of my impulse purchases from then." 

Don Garber released a statement on Thursday, "As much as we would love to return to the days of having one financial group owning two or three teams, Mr. Kroenke is already running the Rapids into the ground as fast as possible. If we wanted another Tampa Bay Mutiny situation we wouldn't have contracted Chivas USA."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Kroenke also attempts to become a stakeholder in Los Angeles Football Club.

#MLS4Skrillex Starts Web Based Campaign

St Louis, MO - The Nutmeg News can report that a new web based movement trying to attract musician and dub-step artist Skrillex to Major League Soccer was launched after news was announced of DJ and music producer Diplo buying a stake in soccer club Arizona United.

Who wants to do this when you could deal with targeted allocation money, international roster spots, and marketing your brand?!

"We here in St. Louis want soccer and given that no one here with money apparently wants to own a Major League Soccer franchise, we decided to reach out to the music industry after spending 20 minutes looking up who Diplo was on Wikipedia," stated director of the MLS 4 Skrillex campaign Ron Jorgenson. "This is a way to get fresh blood into Major League Soccer, a new soccer club for St. Louis and a way for Mr Lex, or Mr Skril, or whatever he calls himself a chance at owning a professional sports team. We proudly want to say we are #MLS4Skrillex and we would also be #MLS4deadmau5 or #MLS4Borgore, or even #MLS4xKore. No one here is going to bat an eye at bringing in a trance artist if they want to bring soccer to St. Louis."

Apparently Mr. Jorgenson originally had some confusion as to whom had purchased a stake in Arizona United stating, "At first I thought it was DUPLO. Man, that was confusing. I was pretty jealous that Arizona United had a Lego connection, but after we put two and two together, we here in St. Louis decided to do something for ourselves that Nelly wouldn't do willingly."

While the #MLS4Skrillex campaign has kicked in full swing, the prolific dub-step artist has not heard of the demand for his money, yet, stating, "What the hell are you talking about" when asked about owning a Major League Soccer franchise as he was skating in Paris today.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as #MLS4Skrillex also reaches out to J-Kwon to see if he wants to invest and to find out where he is.

MLS Live Renewal Reminds Man To Set Up His VPN Services

Baltimore, MD - The email from Major League Soccer about MLS Live reminded Derek Blaylock to research and set up his VPN services to skip the stupid blackout restrictions that exist on the streaming service

"So you say, but I disagree" - Derek Blaylock

"I always appreciate Major League Soccer reminding me to renew my vpn subscription. Their email is my annual kick in the pants to ensure that I start getting my vpn tested and set up in order to get around their draconian blackout setup in order to utilize MLS live fully" stated Mr Blaylock to his Facebook page.

With Major League Soccer continuing to push forward with a great service only encumbered by the stupidity of blackout rules, Mr Blaylock has committed to continuing to pay for MLS Live as well as a VPN in order to utilize the service fully.

"I don't want to get something for nothing," stated Mr Blaylock to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday. "I want a streaming service, and I'm paying for a streaming service. It's not my fault that these stupid blackouts exist.  I'm watching all the games I want, the way I want, at the time that I want and they can't do a damn thing about it.  I'm paying my $64.99 and I'm paying for my VPN service and I'll be damned if a disclaimer is going to stop me."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Blaylock tries to explain how to set up a VPN to his less than tech savvy friends in the comments section of his Facebook post.

LA Galaxy Add Geritol And Ensure As Sponsors

LOS ANGELES - The Los Angeles Galaxy have announced Geritol and Ensure as sponsors for the upcoming 2016 season.

Well, Steven? Do you have tired blood?

During the 2015 season the LA Galaxy's lineup was found, by assistant coach Pat Noonan, of having tired blood and needing some pep in their step. In order to facilitate a spring back to normal play for Steven Gerrard, Ashley Cole, Jelle Van Damme, and Robbie Keane, Noonan worked with the vitamin manufacturer Geritol to ensure that his squad has the vim and vigor necessary to complete the 2016 season.

Something for Ashley Cole to aspire towards.

"We were definitely tired in 2015," stated Noonan to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday. "Steven in particular would return back from training to his house in Malibu to drink Bovril and watch re-runs of Matlock. He would get especially cranky if he missed his early bird dinner, which is why we tried to work with his availability and schedule. In 2016, we are hoping that an early bed time, some Geritol before bed and Ensure when he wakes up will really get him motivated to play in 2016."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the LA Galaxy interns try to explain why people shouldn't sext to Ashley Cole.

NFL Hooliganism: Will The American Disease Infect Soccer?

The Nutmeg News presents our multi-part story on The American Disease: NFL Hooliganism.

With the shocking scenes of NFL hooliganism continuing in last weekends playoff games, many people have started to ask if there exists the possibility of the American Disease infecting soccer.

Two top boys having a scrap.

"It is only a matter of time before supporters groups start imitating their counterparts in the National Football League as it pertains to drunken brawls and hooligan behavior," stated John Thomas, the director of sociology at the University of Miami of Kona in Berkeley. "Fans at Football games in the United States are under a direct possibility of violence and we expect this to start appearing in soccer crowds in the United States in the next five to ten years."

If you thought last night's Packers vs Cardinals game was heated on the field ... wait till you see the action in the stands. You see a lone fan with a Seahawks jersey -- unclear why he was wearing it -- get beaten on by a bunch of Cardinals fans.

After 63 people were ejected and one arrested from the recent Packers v Cardinals game, people demanded that this kind of behavior be removed from the sport entirely. We spoke to Bernard Graham, a Hooligan Studies statistician, to learn more about the efforts being taken by the league to try and combat this behavior.

"Well, we are trying to work with different video stores and Netflix to avoid stocking NFL Films Presents as well as ensuring that no Major League Soccer fan sees any of the epidemic of violence that surges forward in the terraces on Sunday by working with youtube to take down videos of the fights. It is important to not promote the hooligans in the National Football League,"

The Nutmeg News spoke with Ray Whitworth, the director of fan security for Major League Soccer, about this epidemic of violence and what Major League Soccer is doing to prevent this, "We recently worked with the National Football League to have them pull the credentials of one Danny Dyer, who was coming over to the United States from England to do interviews with National Football League firms and top boys about the violence and passion in the stands. As well, we are exploring the idea of having our players stand at midfield with a 'say no to violence' sign as some kind of pithy way to remind people not to be total dickheads."

The Nutmeg News will continue their investigation into the American Disease with part two of our series involving the math behind hooliganism.

Leroux/Dwyer Fetus Declares For Canada

Kansas City, KS - The Sydney Leroux and Dom Dwyer fetus has announced its decision to represent Canada internationally in soccer during a global conference call hosted from the womb.

"Why are we doing this again? I told my mom I just should have taken that job with TMZ."

"I am happy to announce that I have chosen Canada, and I couldn't be more proud," stated the fetus after introducing its team of agents.  "This is a monumental decision for me and I'm glad to have it out of the way. I hope to start the work forward to get Canada back on its feet in winning ways with regard to whichever team I end up playing for, mens or womens."

While Leroux and Dwyer were both unavailable to talk about the declaration today. Reportedly their fetus had a number of different options including Canada, the United States and England.

Victor Montagliani, the president of the Canadian soccer federation, was reportedly pleased stating, "What the hell are you guys talking about? GET OUT OF MY OFFICE."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the baby announces is sponsorship choice between Adidas and Nike.

Area Man Still Unsure What The Village Of Covenham St Bartholomew Thinks About Major League Soccer

Boston, MA - New England Revolution fan Matt Kirby still is unsure what the village of Covenham St Bartholomew in Lincolnshire, England thinks about Major League Soccer.

"What do they think about us?! Is it ok to like this league? Do they think we are joke? WHAT DO YOU THINK, COVENHAM ST BARTHOLOMEW! Do you even know about targeted allocation money? Oh god, do you think that makes us look stupid? TELL ME I'M NOT STUPID. TELL ME IT IS GOING TO BE OK. OH GOD. PLEASE. GIVE ME SOME KIND OF AFFIRMATION THAT THIS IS ALL OK."

"Do they like us? Do they respect us? I'm not sure," said a worried Mr Kirby to his friends on Monday morning. "I just don't know. I'm very concerned about whether this specific village in England considers Major League Soccer a top tier league or a league worth following. I mean, my goodness... this is important to know."

Mr Kirby has been concerned about the appearance and understanding of Major League Soccer after finding out that some in England consider the league a retirement center for old players.

"Is that true?" stated Mr Kirby to his friends, before he began posting inane questions on social media.

"What do YOU think about Major League Soccer" 

and

"What is the perception of Major League Soccer in Grimsby?" 

asked Mr Kirby on a variety of different township forums overseas receiving only disinterested responses.

"I'm going to take my question to know what people think about Major League soccer to twitter and reddit. This is very concerning. I need to know what they think about our Designated Player rules and our closed system. God almighty, I need the perception of Major League Soccer from a 45 year old man from Covenham St Bartholomew. PLEASE TELL ME IF I SHOULD SUPPORT MLS OR HATE IT?!" rambled a semi-coherent Mr Kirby on Facebook.

"It is important to know what people in England think about what I'm invested in. I mean, this is absolutely vital. We must understand our own league through the perception of other people that don't really give a shit about it other than making an off handed comment on where Drogba is these days. I can't support if I know that someone in Holton le Clay thinks my league is crap."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Mr Kirby's quixotic quest when he finally gets an opinion on Major League Soccer from a 16 year old boy in Devon.

Pre-Season Day 1: Robbie Keane Already Upset At Teammates Delivery Of Ball

LOS ANGELES - Gesticulating wildly and screaming at his teammates from the middle of the 18 yard box, LA Galaxy striker Robbie Keane snapped back into mid-season form by angrily demanding the ball placement to be better from shell shocked players on the team during warmups.

"DID NONE OF YOU WORK ON YOUR PASSING?! YOU DAFT COCKS!"

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING," screamed an apoplectic Keane as he ran for second year player Dave Romney after Romney missed Keane's diagonal run.  "WHAT WE DO IN PRACTICE ECHOS IN ETERNITY.... AND REGULAR SEASON GAMES! NOW PASS THE BALL HERE, WHERE I AM RUNNING, RIGHT NOW, AT FULL SPEED, FIRST TIME, BEFORE I CALL BRUCE OVER HERE TO SEND YOUR ASS HOME!"

The Nutmeg News can confirm that while many player were taken aback by this torrential verbal diatribe, that most were ready to accept the abuse under the guise of not wanting Keane to scream any more at them about crowding his cartwheel space.

Fort Lauderdale Strikers Sign Kit Sponsorship With Gravitron

Fort Lauderdale, FL - The Fort Lauderdale Strikers announced, on Friday, a kit sponsorship from the Broward County Fair Gravitron, assuring the carnival ride has a place on the front of their kit for the next four years.

"Ya'll got any smokes? Any weed? Any tickets? No? Screw off then."

The Strikers stated that the partnership with the Gravitron would enhance their local community ties as well as allow the team to pass on the benefits to their fan-base.

"We are in talks with the Gravitron to allow our fanbase buy one get one free tickets to the ride on Wednesday afternoons, as long as the line isn't that long." stated Paulo Cesso, owner of the Strikers. "We are also negotiating a 10% off coupon for a roll of 250 tickets for all carnival games at the fair. That is a savings of over three dollars!"

HOT CHICKS - TIGHT SHIRTS - ENERGY DRINKS - MURICA - SOCCER!  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

While the Gravitron sponsorship may not propel the Strikers into the upper echelon of kit sponsors in North America, Mr Cesso is confident that it will help increase their exposure stating, "We are also re-painting the ride so that it will spin in Strikers colors, as well as sponsoring the broom used to clean the ride and the bucket used to house the vomit that people spew out when they get too dizzy. Millions of people visit the Broward County Fair and we want to be the team who sponsors the trashcan used to pick up your puke. It's our vertical integration branding at its best."

Timbers Fan Feels That Enough Time Has Passed To Allow Him Complain About Team Again

Portland, OR - Portland Timbers fan Brandon Stoltz admitted that the ecstatic high from winning MLS Cup in December carried over for a good deal longer than he thought, but he reportedly feels that enough time has passed to allow him to complain about the Timbers again.

"STOP TELLING ME THAT WE NEEDED TO SELL URRUTI, DAD. I JUST DON'T CARE!"

"We got rid of our influential rock in the back with Jorge Villafana, we got rid of the crowd favorite in Maxi Urruti, we got rid of Michael Nanchoff and Will Johnson..... this is all just quickly turning to bullshit. And I feel that over a month has passed, which is more than enough time for me to finally feel that I can start complaining about this bullshit, again. I am already planning a bunch of really long winded, single paragraph posts to any Timbers blog that will take them, posting snarky comments on Reddit and ranting on my twitter account."

Mr. Stoltz admits that while the Timbers winning the cup was the highlight of his sporting life, that doesn't preclude him from slowly returning to questioning the personnel decisions of the team and ownership.

"Look, I gave them a month and a half of joy. I'm not going to give them an entire year. That's like writing a blank check for my loyalty, and they need to produce. Already I'm worried about making the playoffs in 2016 and whether Klute is going to perform at his position. No one needs to just accept that they are doing a good job."

While he has begun complaining, again. Mr. Stoltz admitted that the rest of the fan-base hasn't started, yet. "Most people seem to be perfectly content still, but I'm just ahead of the curve. I'm planning on ranting about everyone joining me on the concerned bandwagon when we can't buy a goal in May. I'm not doing the 'I was concerned before everyone else was' routine, but seriously.... I was concerned before ALL OF YOU."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Stotlz radically shifts to unwavering belief in August before collapsing back to criticism when he starts perfecting his pour over coffee technique in October.

Colorado Rapids Fan Really Doesn't Deserve Better

Littleton, CO - James Argus, a Colorado Rapids fan and all around dickhead, has been found of deserving exactly the team he is currently getting as the Colorado Rapids find a way to jerk around everyone within a 200 mile radius of Commerce City.

"Screw you, Jimmie. I hope that's acid rain."

"Yeah, James is a prick" stated David Grant, ex-friend of Mr Argus. "He deserves this team and they deserve him." Reportedly, Mr Grant is still upset after Mr Argus stuck him with the last months rent and ran off with their $1800 security deposit from 7 years ago.

The Nutmeg News spoke with ex-girlfriend Sandra Davidson who had the following to say, "James deserves every bit of misery heaped upon him by Stan Kroenke and any sports team he follows. I don't wish ill will against all the rest of the fans of the Rapids, but anything that makes James miserable is something I support."

While Rapids fans are understandably invested in their team and upset at current events, that doesn't stop all the people that know Mr Argus from hoping that his spirit is crushed by the teams he follows.

"Jimmie Argus? Screw that guy. I hope the Rapids fold" said Mr Argus math teacher from Highland's Ranch high school. "Just know that I think Stan Kroenke is a terrible owner, I mean... look at the Nuggets, but dammit.... James doesn't deserve a good soccer team."

35 Year Old Man Prepares To Leave Soccer For Baseball

Kansas City, KS - Waking up for his 35th birthday, Sporting Kansas City supporter Oliver Horva realized that his time was running out.

I can still stand in the Cauldron... I CAN STILL STAND IN THE CAULDRON! AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, I'M FINE.

"I just turned 35, and I'm starting to to come to an understanding that I have left the demographic that allows me to be heavily interested in soccer." stated Mr Horva to The Nutmeg News on Thursday. "I'm already preparing for my next sports obsession with Baseball and the Kansas City Royals. Not to mention angrily talking about how things used to be as I transition into my 40's."

While Mr Horva is an ardent fan of Sporting Kansas City and helped paint displays and sing as loud as he could, he has noticed in recent weeks that his body has started pointing him towards sitting in his chair, drinking beer and watching the Royals on television.

"I can't jump like I used to, and I'm starting to examine the words of 'I believe' to the point of questioning whether the song is a manifestation of the braggadocio of youth. Damn Kids. GET OFF MY LAWN. I didn't know the transition from soccer fan to baseball fan would be this jarring, but I'm already preparing to fall asleep in my lounger around the 4th inning of the opening game of the season for the Royals."

With the crystal of his supporter life changing to red, Mr Horva is preparing for one final go round in the Cauldron before he is hauled off for just being, "Goddamn old as shit."

"I'm hoping that I don't break a hip in there," stated a furtive Horva to his wife. "I'm afraid everyone is going to tell that I'm too old to be in there. I mean, I see other old guys all the time. I can be like them, right? I'm not too old! I can still be there! YOU CAN'T FORCE ME OUT! I'M GOING TO POGO FOR 90 MINUTES!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Horva attempts to defy his age by purchasing a flat brimmed hat, using the words "on fleek" and trying to chug a beer for every missed shot in warmups.

Patrick Vieira Incorrectly Promises Transfer Warchest To Fix NYCFC Woes

NEW YORK - While performing his first press conference as the new head coach of New York City FC, Patrick Vieira promised a transfer warchest to find new players in an effort to fix the playing woes of NYCFC from last year before he was cut off at the microphone and informed that the league doesn't work that way.

"Wait, can I see that rule in writing? No? It was just changed? Ok."

"I was apparently mistaken as to the way in which the league works" stated Vieira to reporters immediately after. "I now promise to have my scouting team look really hard at $100k per year fullbacks while trying to balance the playing time of my $90k a year midfielders and finding a forward that can score semi-regularly as a backup but who also won't unbalance the salary cap considerations that we have to manage against the high dollar veterans that we brought in from Spain and Italy. We are also, apparently, exploring all the possible permutations of allocation money, targeted allocation money and super targeted allocation money, and double, super-secret targeted allocation money to buy down our current players in order to bring a fringe NASL player in that may or may not be the key to our team this season."

New DC United Stadium Renderings Released

WASHINGTON - New stadium renderings of the DC United complex were released late on Tuesday to great acclaim as the pictures took the internet by storm.

The New DC United Buzzard Point Stadium: Look at that avant-garde design

Showing a much scaled down design from the previously released stadium renderings, the new DC United stadium has been redesigned to include a running track for casual jogging and a place to store equipment for the long jump and javelin. 

"We were required by the District of Columbia to make the new DC United stadium a multipurpose venue" stated DC United president Tom Hunt. "So we removed more stands, opened up the design and added some nice concrete walkways to surround the place."

It is really a very small change from this.

While the new stadium design doesn't have any actual stands, Mr Hunt stated that he doesn't view this as a problem, "We are going to have the first all terraced stadium in the league, in so much that we won't have any place to sit. It's going to be great!"

The Nutmeg News will have more  on this as more stadium renderings come out showing the stadium as a pasture with two rolled up socks to delineate the goal.

Rec League Roundup: Despite 12 Person Commitment On Facebook, Futsal Team Doesn't Have Enough People To Play

Rochester, MN - As Paula Yasmin and Dave Gabbard waited for the rest of their team by the nets at the Soccer World complex last Wednesday night, they quickly realized that they were totally screwed by people deciding to not show up.

Soccer World is located just off the 52 and 63 interchange, right next to Whistle Binkies On the Lake. Don't show up late. C'mon, WE ALL PAID GOOD MONEY FOR THIS. SERIOUSLY. And for the love of god, can someone please bring ice? How many times do I need to remind people to come out? This shouldn't be like pulling teeth! I'm not your fucking mom!

"I put the invitation online for this weeks game and 12 people said they were attending, what the hell?" stated Ms Yasmin to Mr Gabbard. "It's almost like responsible people that paid money to be part of a team are incapable of actually showing up when they are supposed to be there. Why on earth do I have to play the bad cop of reminding people to actually show up for something they paid money to do?!"

While Ms Yasmin was clearly frustrated, Mr Gabbard held on to hope as he said, "They will come. There's no way Tom and Linda would bullshit me. I know that they posted that they were at Beaver Island Brewing in St Cloud 20 minutes ago, but they are definitely coming. Absolutely. 100%. There's NO WAY they would screw me like this."

While Mr Gabbard kept babbling to himself and pacing, Paula Yasmin took to Facebook to post a passive aggressive message on the team group page about "Commitments" and "Showing up on team with respect for your teammates who were there, Larry."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this later as Greg, Larry, Stephen and Manuel assure Ms Yasmin and Mr Gabbard that they will definitely make it next week.