FC Dallas Announce Enduring Freedom Operation In Northern Oil Fields Of Afghanistan

Dallas, TX - FC Dallas, today, announced a new operation to expand Freedom to the northern oil fields of Afghanistan with their new militarized player special forces.

FC Dallas special operatives training for the invasion

Calling the event “The Enduring Freedom Operation” the FC Dallas teams will parachute behind Taliban defense lines to free oil wells for use by FC Dallas and Shell, a new sponsor of FC Dallas.

“We believe that our commando trained special operative players can infiltrate into the countryside and liberate productive oil wells for the good of the country,” stated FC Dallas Colonel Ralph Williams. “It is an important culmination of the training these men have put in over the last few months. What with the live fire exercises and playing Ride Of the Valkyries at them as they army crawl under faux barbed wired, these boys are ready.”

For their part, the players of FC Dallas stated, “we got this,” as they prepared to fly into Sar-e-Pul in order to free the Qashqari Oilfield. “We just need to pressure the defenders and get after them early. Let’s get up a goal and free those oilfields boys!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FC Dallas spends the next 20 years trying to bring freedom to the specific wells they liberate.

ISC Conference Kicks Off With Breakout On "Funding Your Supporters Group By Flipping Inter Miami Tickets"

MONTREAL - The Independent Supporters Council Conference 2024 kicked off with a breakout on “Funding Your Supporters Group By Flipping Inter Miami Tickets” to a sold out hall.

“Here we see the differences just a few select ticket flippers can make to your bottom line,” stated one anonymous SG member as they detailed out their gross sales.

ISC Members spent 60 minutes detailing the financial benefits to reselling tickets and funding T.I.F.O, community initiatives, and merchandise with the proceeds.

“This was an informative discussion on the financial benefits and windfall of using the Lionel Messi hysteria for our own benefit,” stated one anonymous ISC attendee. “I can really see how we can use the fact that lunatics will pay 30x over face value to further the purchase of a new drum.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as ISC members report back on the breakout on excessive drinking held at the Milky Way bar.

Angry Merritt Paulson Calls SKC Front Office To Demand That They Try To Turn Fans Against Each Other Before Firing Wilkinson

Portland, OR - An angry Merritt Paulson called the Sporting Kansas City front office after they fired Gavin Wilkinson, this morning, as he demanded that they try to turn fans against each other before firing Wilkinson.

“You haven’t even suffered a scandal yet,” stated Paulson to the SKC Front Office. “This is really just a previous scandal. You have to go through your own scandal in order to even consider firing him and then you double down and blame the fans.”

Sources say that Paulson laid out a blueprint to keeping Wilkinson in his position as he stated, “First you claim his family was accosted at a grocery store. Don’t be specific about the situation but put enough into it to make more moderate fans not want to be involved. Then you really try to foster dissent by blaming long term fans and calling them whiny and stupid and entitled. That’ll make the fans that just started following the team turn on the long term fans because they don’t understand the situation. Then maybe you have a few alternate accounts on Reddit or Twitter that will stir up some debate about whether fans are, ‘making too big a deal,’ and, ‘I just want to watch soccer,’ and then let it all simmer for 10 or 11 years.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as other MLS teams debate using this strategy to hire Wilkinson in the future.

Soccer Fan Plans To Give Team Another Week Of Preseason Training Before Giving Up On The Regular Season

Internet - Soccer fan Pete Anderson stated that he plans to give his team another week of preseason training before giving up on the regular season completely.

“Things aren’t looking good,” stated Anderson to The Nutmeg News. “I know that we haven’t played a single game yet and that the players have only started to report to strength and conditioning….. but I think you can see that we are likely screwed.”

Anderson cited the lack of transfers made by his team, the poor investments over the past few years and, most importantly, a general feeling that everyone is going to suck.

“I don’t know what it is, but I think we are in contention for the wooden spoon this year,” stated Anderson. “There’s just no hope with this team. I know we haven’t played a game yet, but I think it’s obvious that we don’t have a midfield, a defense or a reliable offense. The only place where we are any good is at keeper and even there its probably because our defense was so bad the previous year that our keeper amassed some amazing statistics despite letting in so many goals.”

For his part, Anderson stated that he is trying to be optimistic about being pessimistic as he stated, “Well, who knows maybe this year is the year I’ll spend some more time fixing up the house instead of attending games.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson spends more time yelling on the internet.

Gavin Wilkinson To Send Ex-Law Enforcement "SKC Security Patrol" To The Houses Of Angry Fans In Order To, "Work Things Out"

Kansas City, KS - Stating, “It worked for Andy Polo and the Timbers,” Gavin Wilkinson reportedly hired and directed a new “SKC Security Patrol” collection of ex-law enforcement goons to go to the houses of angry Sporting Kansas City fans in order to, in his words, “work things out.”

“You aren’t gonna drop those tickets now…. are you, Bobby?”

Wilkinson was reportedly aghast that news of the terrible things he did with the Thorns and the Timbers reached the ears of other fans as he stated, “this is why you have fixers,” before he dialed for a private visit to some especially loud fans.

“Look, the only problem with the Polo situation and the Riley situation and the Shim situation was that some people talked,” stated Wilkinson, allegedly, to people within the SKC organization. “I just want these angry fans to listen to my cadre of police officers that are employed by the club who can have a sit down conversation at their house to explain why they are wrong.”

Sources say that some within the SKC organization are concerned that this is a terrible direction for the team to head, however Peter Vermes expressed his full throated admiration of the tactic.

“I think our fans have gotten too soft,” stated Vermes to his 36 foot tall sock monkey he calls General Patton. “What’s a little coverup of a sexual predator and domestic violence between friends. I remember when sports weren’t political. Like when Jesse Owens beat the Nazis. The good old days.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Wilkinson curates a new collection of fans to help the Cauldron navigate these tough times.