NWSL Announce Unpaid-Stars Game Sponsored By Dove

NEW YORK - The National Women's Soccer League (NWSL), today, announced the formation of the first annual Unpaid-Stars Game sponsored by Dove for 2017.

Photo: @JeffKassouf

The field for the NWSL Unpaid-Stars Game

"The National Women's Soccer League is proud to announce the formation of the DOVE Unpaid-Stars Game to be held July 2017. The game will be held at Frontier Field in Rochester, New York in order to give the game the size and scope that it needs to fit the occasion. The NWSL is proud of our players and this game will give us an opportunity to celebrate the talents of our players that literally do not get paid." - NWSL Press Release

According to inside sources, The NWSL Unpaid-Stars game will feature a skills exhibition the night before the game begins which includes the following activities.

"Shopping For Fruits And Vegetables On $1 - NWSL Extreme Coupon Cutting"

"Going On A Job Interview, Working Second Shift At Starbucks, Attending NWSL Team Training, And Working Out all in 24 hour span - NWSL Crossfit"

"Room Organization For 6 Players In A Studio Apartment - NWSL Tetris"

Reportedly, executives for the NWSL are excited about the upcoming Unpaid-Stars game as this meaningless exhibition will allow the league to cram another game into a schedule where they don't have to pay the players, can ratchet up the beer prices, overcharge for tickets and charge for meet and greet activities between the players and fans.

"This is going to be amazing! We are going to do a sliding scale payment process for our players. You want Jess Fishlock to sign something? $50. You want Alyssa Naeher to sign something? $75. You want Alex Morgan to sign something? $250. Just think of all the money making opportunities," stated the commissioner of Major League Soccer, Jeff Plush. 

"It is important to note that we can't pay the players in the Dove Unpaid-Stars game as this would void their amateur status and lead to us not making money on this game. And we know that our fans wouldn't want the league to go out of business, so clearly we can't pay the players, right? Right."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an Amateur player suffers a career ending injury during the game and is forced to walk off the field as the league didn't provide stretchers.

Boston Breakers To Offer Grief Counseling And Therapy Night Sponsored By Paxil

Boston, MA - The Boston Breakers, in association with Paxil and the teams current form, have announced a new "Grief Counseling and Therapy Night" promotion aimed at solving the issues that have developed in their remaining fanbase from an 11 loss season having played 13 games.

The only time the Breakers won this season.... May 22nd, 2016.

(ISI Photos)

"The Boston Breakers understand that a season like this can develop long lasting mental scars that can be debilitating for future support in sports," stated Tom Durkin, Club Director of Coaching. "As such we are offering free antidepressants and grief counseling for our remaining fans that sadistically torture themselves by continuing to show up for games despite our awful form."

Reportedly, the Breakers plan to fix the problem of their season is to not improve their overall team, but instead treat the mental issues for their fanbase that comes from having a terrible season stating, "We aren't paying for shit! We are going to stick with this squad until the end of the year and then we might try some new players," stated Durkin.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans continue to wonder if the team could go with no more wins for the rest of the season, and whether their prescription will last long enough to continue attending games.

Landon Donovan Emerges From Cryogenic Sleep To Pitch All-Star Homegrown Game

San Jose, CA - Landon Donovan emerged, on Wednesday, from the Cryogenic Sleep Chamber designed to preserve his current playing condition for the USMNT til after Jurgen Klinsmann leaves the head coaching position to talk about the upcoming MLS All-Star Homegrown game.

It's Landon Donovan, Clint Mathis and a replicant made from Steve Cherundolo's spliced DNA.

"What's Tim Howard up to?" stated Donovan to the gathered media that came to see his unfreezing process. "Still dominating the city in the first team of Everton?"

Reportedly, Donovan was unfrozen by Don Garber as part of the Chipotle MLS Homegrown All-Star Game provision in his contract that requires him to appear and coach once per year before he is stuck back in the cube to be frozen for the Qatar World Cup in 2022.

"I'm here to talk about the Chipotle Homegrown game and ... wait.... what's this about President Trump?" stated Donovan to the collection of credentialed bloggers dispatched to the secret freezing location by MajorLeagueSoccerSoccer.com

"So I'm here to talk Chipotle, MLS All Star Games, and the future of our homegrown youth. I'm also here to say that Guacamole is going to be raised to $2 per scoop, that you should try the new Chipotle Burger when it opens, and that our homegrown youth are better in Major League Soccer than overseas. Major League Soccer is the bees knees and with the upcoming expansion to Portland and Vancouver, we expect.... what? ...that already happened?..... oh.... ok, nevermind..... Now please, put me back in before I decay too much to be of service in the USMNT midfield in 2022."

The Nutmeg News will continue to cover the unfreezing process of Donovan as he finds out that he is required to at least make some media appearances before heading back to isolation.

PRO Respond To Tampa Bay Rowdies By Permanently Assigning Them Silviu Petrescu and Dave Gantar

The Professional Referees Organization (PRO), today, responded to the recent article by the ownership of the Tampa Bay Rowdies by permanently assigning the team Silviu Petrescu as their center referee and Dave Gantar as the fourth official for all games in the future.

Tommy Gilligan-USA TODAY Sports

"After hearing the complaints from the Rowdies, PRO would like to categorically state that these complaints by the front office of the Tampa Bay Rowdies are false. Despite our vehement denial of these claims, we have assigned, permanently, Silviu Petrescu and Dave Gantar to referee all future Rowdies home games as a testament to our commitment for fair and balanced referees."

With Petrescu being one of the few referees in the past year suspended by PRO for missing several calls in a 2015 game, the Rowdies can be guaranteed that they are getting the best in what PRO has to offer.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Rowdies are denied any chance of any kind of penalty appeal for the rest of the season.

Relentless Crank Already Lining Up New People To Blame After Schmid Firing

Redmond, WA - Donald Ferris, a Sounders fan and relentless crank, admitted that he was already lining up new people in the Sounders organization to blame for last season, this season and next season after Sigi Schmid was fired on Tuesday.

#SIGIOUT .... er... wait.... um.... #LAGERWEYOUT

"It's important for me to appropriately place the blame," stated Ferris to The Nutmeg News. "With Sigi gone, now, we must have an accurate amount of blame placing being done on the front office."

Reportedly, Ferris spent the last three years campaigning for the removal of Schmid only to suddenly switch his technique after the removal of the head coach and suggest that perhaps it wasn't Schmid's fault, this season.

"SURE SIGI WAS THE PROBLEM... BUT WAS HE THE ONLY PROBLEM,?! #Foreshadowing " ranted Ferris on his twitter account as he desperately lashed out at someone else to blame.

"I can only say that I've been carefully curating a list of people within the Sounders organization to blame over the course of the last few months and I plan to shift my #SigiOut campaign, now, to the people who deserve it the most," stated Ferris.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ferris takes credit for the firing of Schmid.

Remote Fan Has Supporters Group Experience Brought To Them

Billings, MT - Remote Orlando City fan Jerrod Wadding recently found out that he won a supporters group experience that will allow him the ability to experience an upcoming game as though he was in the stands.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Wadding about the opportunity and his remote love of Orlando City SC and he had the following to say, "The T.I.F.O displays, the vibrancy of the crowds, the chants, the flags, the work they do in the community, man.... it must be great to be part of everything. I picked Orlando City because I lived in Orlando for 5 years when I was a kid, and I still have some cousins there. It was a natural connection."

Mr Wadding went on to say that he hasn't attended a game, but just lends his vocal participation to all matters online about the team and supporters groups.

The Nutmeg News spoke to individuals giving Mr Wadding the Supporter Group experience and they stated they had the following items planned for him.

"First we are going to ensure that he gets in a few Twitter and Facebook arguments about minutia regarding the team and the supporters groups," stated Deryk Fellows of The Ruckus. "That will happen the night before the game to ensure that he doesn't know what is going to happen when he meets the people he was having an argument with the next day. We will make his argument about something like flags during the run of play and the legacy of Adrian Heath, that's a good base.

The next day we will show up at his house, early. Wadding will be forced to leave and then pay $20 for parking, at his own house, at which point we will have a massive tailgate and get everyone drunk. Wadding won't be allowed to use the facilities in his house in order to replicate our current tailgating scenario.

After we drink and stand outside in the sun for 3 hours we will be allowed, 'into the game' where Wadding will be subjected to a bag search, metal detector and pat down search followed by being required to pay $11 for a Heineken in accordance with stadium policy. 

It is at this point that we will ensure that we replicate the full experience in the stands, in his back yard. Wadding is about 5 foot 10 so we will be placing him behind Nick Simon and Dominic West who are both roughly 6'4 and 6'5, respectively. He will be placed next to Hippy Bob, a man known for being one of the first people to take his shirt off and an avowed non-user of deodorant. Bob loves to give hugs, so that'll happen when he gets in our stand mock up.

As well, we will ensure that Darwin Cerez will be there farting up a storm as he usually does. We will ensure that there is a scuffle just to the left of Wadding about 10 minutes into the game over the usage of the word 'puto'. A capo will yell at him for not knowing all the lyrics to the songs at about 25 minutes and his $11 Heineken will be spilled during either a Goal Celebration or someone moving across his row with nachos, whichever happens first.

At the start of the second half, we will ensure that Wadding gets sucked into the overall melee in the stands as the drunken antics of the fans around him ensure that he over-consumes. This will guarantee that he spends roughly $60 on beer in the faux-stadium. At this point, Wadding will take off his shirt ensuring a vicious sunburn, stand on the temporary seats and scream for his team going for full hugs with everyone around him before witnessing three people taking selfies. He will, at that point, scream at the selfie takers for being tourists. 

The evening will finish with more drinks with completely random strangers that he met at the game as Wadding falls into a full, low-energy stupor. He will be required to post to twitter and facebook about the game at this time when he is absolutely smashed from being in the sun and drinking all day. He will then have a moment of clarity that he has to work the next day as this is Sunday. Mr Wadding will then wake up the next morning with a hangover that can only be called apocalyptic and a Facebook/twitter feed full of drama from his wild statements issued online."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Wadding reconsiders whether he wants this prize in the first place.

League Attempts To Add Meaning To Meaningless Game By Making Meaningful Games Meaningless

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer continued to state that players selected for the Major League Soccer All Star Game that were injured and unable to play in the game would still be suspended for an additional game following the All Star Game proving that they ARE the leading assholes in the state.

Where's a time traveler when you need one to go back and stop this thing before it ever started in the first place.

"It is our intention to create meaning in a meaningless game by devaluing the meaningful games following it," stated president of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot. "If you can't play in this utterly meaningless exhibition game, then your team, who has been fighting for 20+ games this season, deserves to be penalized in very important games as we head into the run for the postseason."

Reportedly, fans of any team, anywhere, think that this might be the dumbest thing to happen to an All-Star game since the tie in Major League Baseball, the invention of the meaningless contest in the first place, and Gary Bettman's carnival of bullshit called the National Hockey League.

"At least the NFL doesn't pretend that this game means something," stated Orlando City and Tampa Bay Buccaneers fan Henry Sampson. "This kind of bullshit is the kind of thing we expect from a person like Bud Selig, Gary Bettman or Don Garber. Oh, well... I guess this thing all makes sense."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS fines players who don't fully commit when they go into tackles during the All-Star Game.

Hipster Still Following Soccer

Portland, OR - James Murphy, a self described "soccer hipster who feels aesthetically post-hipster", admitted that, for the 10th year, he is still following soccer  in a short ranging interview on Tuesday to The Nutmeg News.

"I don't have a problem with mascots anymore, either. That's a pre-hipster conception. As a hipster post-hipster I think that It's great for kids, and they seem to enjoy them."

"It's a great sport, I love it," stated the formerly dirty hipster who was looking for a hand pressed, vinyl, Final Warning ep in a record bin somewhere at a record store he wouldn't tell us about. "With the death of bike polo, and my friends all switching to endurance rides as their hobby, I decided to stick with the game as my hobby. After 10 years I can honestly state that I still enjoy going with my soccer friends, I like watching the game. I like the tactics and the players and the energy that a match brings," stated Mr Murphy, who admitted to recently giving up his vegan beliefs for a soy free, lechithin avoidance subsistence lifestyle.

Reportedly, Mr Murphy has even taken to a new ethos in dress as he stopped wearing pinned together crust-punk t-shirts and humorous sweaters found at Goodwill  for wearing items he considers lucky and appropriate for games (as long as those new clothes fit within his current wardrobe aesthetic of clean, bright and relevant for weather conditions). He, as well, claims to only bring a scarf during games that are cold and doesn't bring one during games that are warm.

"It's important to me as a hipster post-hipster to keep the aesthetic of a properly dressed individual for a soccer game. We must show up appropriately dressed in decent clothes to support our teams with both ruthless determination and atavistic intensity," stated the clean shaven Murphy who admitted to recently shaving his beard due to the influx of fans with beards.

"It's distinctly post-hipster to continue loving soccer for 10 years, but I'm really glad that I stuck with something this long. The rewards are great for staying with soccer, and I love the amount of history that I now have with the game. I'm almost as glad with staying with soccer as I was to get lasik to fix my eyes. No longer do I have to suffer wearing those heavy black rimmed glasses and when I'm sweating in the stands I don't miss any of the action."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Murphy debates a lease on a fuel efficient 2017 Acura.

African-American Soccer Fan Tired Of Being The Example Of Diverse Fanbase

Foxborough, MA - New England Revolution fan Sean Driscoll has admitted that he is more than a bit tired of being the example used of how his team has a diverse fanbase.

MLS soccer supporter diversity is not a local issue.

"Look we get it, I'm a black man in the United States and I love an MLS team. I understand that right now that duality isn't exceptionally common. I still don't think that I should be used as the example of having a diverse fanbase if I'm one of the only people in the section that is African-American," stated Driscoll to The Nutmeg News on Friday. "Most people have been very welcoming, almost apologetically so, but you can't claim to have a diverse crowd because I'm the only person in the multitude of 1000s that is black. This is more than a bit ridiculous."

Mr Driscoll stated that despite his feelings on the matter that he has no issues supporting the Revolution and showing up on gameday, but reiterated his statement further.

"Stop having that whispered conversation and pointing my way. I am not a totem for your sympathetic explanation of the racial makeup in the stands. Also, no, I don't know the other African-American fans that come to a few of the away games in team gear."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Revolution fan Sandra O'Connor about this issue and she stated, "Whoa whoa! We are absolutely anti-racist and anti-homophobic. We ensure that people know that our fan groups are an inclusive community that tries to reach out to all the different ethnic groups that make our city great. Just look at Sean over there! HEY SEAN!"

Kit Sponsor, Fans, Stadium And Legacy Of Functional Ownership All Working Against Sacramento Admits Garber

NEW YORK - In an interview with the commissioner of Major League Soccer on Friday, Don Garber stated that the current and future kit sponsor, built in fanbase, stable and expandable stadium situation, cooperative local government, energized sponsors and legacy of functional ownership are all working against Sacramento getting an MLS team in the future.

Privately Funded? WHERES THE FUN IN THAT!

"We need more speculative MLS expansion sites based in locations where soccer has already failed multiple times with variable ownership groups and no stadium solution," stated Garber to our reporter. "This whole stability, growth, and good ownership thing is BOOOOOOORING. Who wants that? We are getting married to these franchises and we want something sexy, something sleek, something completely and utterly insane. That's Florida, that's Miami, and that's where we want to be."

Reportedly, despite all the obvious advantages to expanding immediately in Sacramento, the siren call of South Beach still holds sway, despite the inability of Brand Beckham to find fans, land, or even a foothold of publicity there.

"Do we want the slow motion panning shots up the Miami coastline or a helicopter shot of cows and cornfields," stated Garber. "I think we all know which one we want. I'll take a half empty stadium in 95 degree weather as long as we can cut into an MLS game with a shot of a couple playing beach volleyball. It's gonna be great!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sacramento continues to shoot itself in the foot with all this stability.

Revolution One Step Closer To Losing In The Finals

Boston, MA - The New England Revolution took another step towards their ultimate goal of losing in the finals of the US Open Cup as they defeated the Philadelphia Union on penalty kicks to advance to the semi-finals of the 2016 tournament.

Brad Knighton coming up big.

"We care about our traditions and our history," stated head coach Jay Heaps. "We know that we are 7 time runner ups in important finals and we plan on ensuring that we keep our legacy alive."

Despite it only being 9 years since the last time the Revolution actually won the US Open Cup, the legacy of finishing as league runners up in 2002, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2014, and 2001 (in the US Open Cup) has continued to show the expertise of the Revolution in making it to the final before utterly capitulating.

"This is our time, this is our tournament, this is our moment to shine before faltering at the final hurdle," stated Kei Kamara to his teammates. "Let's carry this torch forward."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as our interns screw up a mundane fact that we used to have in this place and get fired. YOU LIKE THAT DAVID, THIS IS WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU DON'T RESEARCH ITEMS.

Disappointed Arena Bemoans US Open Cup Win

Carson, CA - A disappointed Bruce Arena bemoaned his sides victory in the recent match against the Seattle Sounders as the LA Galaxy advanced to the next round of the US Open Cup.

"Gordon, you MORON! We were OUT!"

"I've been trying to get out of this competition the entire season," stated Arena to The Nutmeg News. "Good grief, take one look at my lineups over the last few games and see how important this is to me. I mean, come ON, now."

Purportedly, Arena told his Galaxy players through a pre-recorded video that he hoped they would give a decent effort, and that he would see them in the games that really matter like the ones to ensure the position of the Galaxy heading into the playoffs.

"Gordon, you MORON! We were OUT!" stated Arena to Alan Gordon after he scored a goal 13 minutes after the Sounders took the lead in the game. "How many times do I have to say that we are trying to win another MLS cup, here!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Arena starts the U-16 Galaxy team in the semifinals.

Sons Of Ben To Start Yelling, "YSA" In Effort To Get Philadelphia Union Allocation Money

Philadelphia, PA - The Philadelphia Union supporters group known as the Sons Of Ben stated that they would start yelling "You Suck, Asshole" in an effort at getting the league to give their team Allocation Money to shut up the fans as it was revealed, today, that Major League Soccer offered Red Bull New York Fans the same deal.

From Unusual Efforts, Please read the article here: http://www.unusualefforts.com/homophobia-american-soccer-2/

In a fantastic article about transphobia and homophobia in soccer on the website Unusual Efforts, a board member of a supporters group for Red Bull New York indicated that the league offered fans the option of stopping YSA in exchange for their team getting allocation money. 

Reportedly, the Son's of Ben indicated that if they knew this was an option, they would have instigated "You Suck, Asshole" until the league gave the Union allocation money as well.

"This seems a fantastic opportunity to give our team a distinct advantage by acting completely juvenile," stated SOB capo Jimmy "Swigs" McGee. "We yell it for a couple weeks. MLS cracks down, We respond in kind and the Union get a 200k for our stopping. We think the chant is juvenile and stupid but if it nets our team some scratch, that would be great."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as YSA makes a resurgence for that cold hard cash.

Reflective Kreis Returns To Coaching With Focus On Roll For Initiative And Endurance Points

Orlando, FL - Jason Kreis, former coach for Real Salt Lake (RSL) and New York City Football Club (NYCFC), sat down for an interview, today, after it was announced that he accepted the head coaching position for Orlando City Soccer Club (OCSC).  

Kreis stated that since he spent most of his player's experience points on Charisma, during his tenure with NYCFC, he will be taking time during the 2016 off season to grind slimes to try and get his Endurance and Hit Points raised up higher for the 2017 Orlando City season.

Kreis during his days with NYCFC.

"When I left the Real Salt Lake coaching job I did my initial creation rolls and put everything on Charisma," stated Kreis. "I really wanted to take on the role of Crusader. While I was at RSL I tried to put a little bit of energy into studying Barcelona passing tactics, the diamond formation conjuring spell and allocating experience points to Constitution but towards the end I assigned nearly everything else directly to Charisma.”

“Well, as we know my time at Real Salt Lake went pretty well and it enforced that my strategy was right, towards the end. So when I was given the job of NYCFC coach I decided to double down and really sink everything into Charisma by going to Manchester City to study their system for a year.”

Even after his time at Manchester City, Kreis had a hard time finding a rhythm at NYCFC, ultimately leaving them with a disappointing first year after not being able to bring the team to the MLS playoffs.

As Kreis stated to The Nutmeg News, " I was stunned by being unable to make saving throws against anything at a level Chicago Fire or higher. I realized that I need to get my roll for initiative on point and increase my endurance."

Analysts and pundits declared many reasons for Kreis' failure at NYCFC with a variety of arguments made such as players that didn't fit his style, a field size too small to play his passing style, and just not enough time given to the manager after his first season. However, most smart analysts say that his failures came due to him only studying 2nd edition rules of MLS-D&D.

Kreis finished his interview with our reporters by stating, “I have to say that despite it all, I’m really excited for this new campaign with Orlando City. In order to prepare for it I’m watching every single game on MLS Live from this year, studying Gods, Demi-Gods & Heroes, previewing the Hollow World Campaign Set and I’m going to be grinding on slimes all throughout December. I really need to get those Endurance points back up.”

NYCFC Release Stadium Progress Video Via Vine

NEW YORK - New York City FC (NYCFC), today, released a new stadium progress time-lapse vine that featured exclusive video for their twitter followers.

First we build the synthetic futsal field. Then we get the city to knock down the school so we can build a stadium there.

The vine reportedly featured NYCFC COO Jon Patricof going to community development meetings and then leaving empty handed after ultimately failing to find any political purchase in the city despite bringing briefcases full of cash.

"Even those of us with City Football Group have to admit that it is a lot more difficult to purchase land in the New York Metropolitan area than we originally thought," stated Patricof to The Nutmeg News.

"As it currently stands, the City Football Group is realizing that the only way we are going to get a deal done is through backroom politics and bribing public officials to utilize eminent domain. Even then, we are finding it difficult as bribing politicians in New York City is more expensive than we originally thought, as well."

Patricof admitted that despite the financial assets of City Football Group that if a deal doesn't get done in 10 or eleven years that, "we might have to consider a stadium in the vicinity of New York City rather than directly in one of the five boroughs."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as City Football Group explore what kind of concessions they could receive from the city of Hoboken.

Lou Holtz Advocates For Local Soccer At Republican National Convention

Cleveland, OH - At the Republican National Convention in Cleveland, Lou Holtz took time out of his busy schedule to advocate for local soccer while dropping a number of ethnic slurs against immigrants attempting to force him to watch Bayern Munich. 

"I don't want to celebrate your holidays, I sure as hell don't want to cheer for your soccer team," stated Holtz to Betsy Woodruff, Daily Beast reporter. 

The Nutmeg News tracked down Holtz to have him expand on his comments and he had the following to say, "Those fucking krauts and jerrys aren't going to get me to watch Bayern Munich. I remain a fan of my local Columbus Crew, who I started following back in 1968 when I was an assistant coach at Ohio State," said Holtz who reportedly was described as smelling like alcohol and desperation as he relentlessly swigged Crown Royal.

"Support local soccer, support promotion and relegation. The only way that we are getting our way out of this socialist MLS shit is if we find a way to bring in the most ruthless form of capitalism possible. We MUST enable our local clubs to fail. Immigrants support Socialism. I'm from the US OF A. My parents were true blooded Americans and their grandparents and their grandparents all the way back to when we were celebrating St Patricks day in 1230 AD in the city of New Amsterdam."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Holtz started ranting about MLS Television ratings being brought down by Liga MX.

"There's Absolutely No Problem With The Television Ratings," Exclaims New MLS Press Secretary

NEW YORK - Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf, the new press secretary for Major League Soccer, has roundly decried the criticisms of many, "so-called internet experts" that the television ratings for the league have stagnated.

"The ratings are fantastic, they are wonderful, please tune in to catch MLS in Miami, soon!"

"The numbers are lies!" stated Mr. al-Sahhaf on Tuesday. "We know this because they come from the media, and the media lies. Our television numbers are strong, we tell this to our national sponsors on a monthly basis. All they should know are the internal numbers that we don't release out that state that our numbers show growth."

Mr. Al-Sahhaf also took bloggers and fans to task stating, "These fans and these bloggers don't know the numbers. We know the numbers. The numbers are good. When I say that the numbers are very good, they should know that the numbers are very good. And I say that our numbers are very good. We will make them better because despite them being good, they can be better, but there is no better number than that number that we have right now save for the number that we can make better in the future, which will be better and bigger but not better than our current number which is absolutely great."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer continues to deflect an honest conversation about television ratings.

"We Already Have Too Much Publicity," States Real Salt Lake

Salt Lake City, UT - Showing their power in the local market, Real Salt Lake decided to ban Salt Lake Tribune sports writer and Radio talking head Gordon Monson as the team stated, "We already have too much publicity."

"This team doesn't need more publicity, it needs LESS publicity. We need fewer people talking about the team and fewer people thinking about the team. The less news the better, I say."

The Nutmeg News spoke to owner and prickly real-estate personality Dell Loy Hansen about the recent press kerfuffle and he had the following to say.

"Too many people are talking about soccer here in the United States and way, way, way too many people are writing and talking about soccer in Salt Lake City. We, at Real Salt Lake, want people to stop talking about soccer, stop writing about soccer, and let us return back to the days when the team played at Rice Eccles and nobody gave a shit."

Reportedly, Hansen felt aggrieved that the Salt Lake Tribune and Monson would cover Real Salt Lake and actually write critical things about the team as Hansen stated, "We aren't here for sports writers to cover and write critical things. Save that for sports that matter like the NBA. We are here to make money, sell merchandise and not be judged critically. If I wanted to be judged critically I'd go on American Idol."

Despite their chickenshit approach to media management, Real Salt Lake and Dell Loy Hansen maintain that they are in the right regarding the credential revocation for Monson stating, "Screw that guy, anyway. WE WRITE THE NEWS HERE, NOT THE WRITERS OR THE NEWSPAPER."

Continent Ready To Move On From Cascadia Overload

The United States and Canada collectively announced their desire to move on from the repetitive public relations deluge of Cascadia game information to the other scintillating and pulsating rivalries in North American soccer this weekend.

Did you even know that FC Cincinnati drew 35,000 people for a game this weekend? NO? MLS/CASCADIA CONSPIRACY!

"We are over the grand T.I.F.O, the packed stadiums, the loud home/away fans, and the media blitz," stated the collected soccer fans in both the United States and Canada. "We are ready to see long form written material on the scintillating Dallas v Colorado game, the devastating derby of Puerto Rico and Rayo OKC, and the NPSL playoff game between Chattanooga and Miami United FC (provided that Miami United FC are still in business by the time that game kicks off)."

Reportedly, fans of the other 18 teams in Major League Soccer are just done with the whole thing stating, "What about us!?" before realizing that they are a week away from having to sit through an overload of public relations regarding the MLS All Star Game.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer tries to figure out a way to extend the public relations benefit of the rivalry by scheduling the two teams to play each other back to ba...........oh wait.

Portland And Seattle Millenial Hooligans Battle On Virtual Streets

Portland, OR - Millennial hooliganism has once again reared its ugly head, this time on the streets of Portland ahead of the upcoming Timbers v Sounders game.

"Your weedle is more shit than Preston Burpo." #obligatorybeard

Reports are flooding in that Timbers fans and Sounders fans are battling it out with Pokemon Go all over the streets of Portland. Local Portland Pokemon Go players are getting territorial and are blocking off their local Pokestops to try and keep Sounders from gathering revives and potions.

Alice Campbell, a neutral eye witness who was at the gym simply to try and raise her local team gym’s prestige, told The Nutmeg News reporters what she saw happen. “It was horrible. I was standing there sparring with an Eevee and trying to get my XP up when suddenly I’m surrounded by Timbers fans and Sounders fans, a dozen or so on each side. They all start chanting and singing and pulling their phones out and doing battle at the gym. Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse I heard one of the Timbers fans yell out ‘Hey! Did you guys hear that we won the MLS Cup?’ to which one of the Sounders fans yelled back ‘We sure did, Slowpoke!’  That’s when I knew I had to get out of there as fast I could.”

The Nutmeg News spoke to Seattle Pokemon Hooligan Dawn Erlich about her firms attempt to take over a Portland Pokestop and she had the following to say, "We came to sing, we came to drink, we came to take out their weak ass Spearow. Everyone is going to get owned. We are going to mask up with balaclavas pop some incense, and just go to TOWN on their shit. Then we are going to go to Powell's Bookstore for some tea and to browse some books on post industrial revolution architecture based noir graphic novels."

Team specific firms are keeping things heavily under wraps (likely because of a separate article this publication put out this week about not talking to the media) but there is currently no word if Valor or Mystic is the preferred team for Seattle Pokemon Hools, but we can all be assured it’s not Instinct because Instinct sucks.

"Yeah, Well..... Columbus invented street Pokemon."