Major League Soccer Announces Future Supporter Group Bans for Inter Miami Fans

ORLANDO - Major League Soccer (MLS) today announced future supporters group bans for Inter Miami fans after they used smoke devices, drums and flags during a rally at the MLS All-Star game.

“This hooliganism must stop,” stated Major League Soccer commissioner Don Garber. “We have collected the names and identities of all the fans in question and they will be banned as soon as they have a functioning team with home games.”

According to sources, Major League Soccer and Inter Miami used the picture as a promotional tool while also using it to identify all the people in the photo for future in-stadium camera analysis as they worked towards more security theater for the burgeoning franchise.

“We are very proud of our fans,” stated Inter Miami director of promotions before being called away for five minutes to talk to someone from MLS and returning to our reporter to state, “This shame on the league must not be allowed to fester. We will be conducting an internal investigation into the state of these hooligan firms.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS charges twice their normal rate for their fan conduct classes to get back the season tickets that fans haven’t even purchased yet.

USWNT Fan Excited For New Coach That Knows What They Are Doing After Two Time World Champion Jill Ellis Steps Down

Tampa, FL - USWNT fan Sondra Evans was reportedly ecstatic at the departure of two time World Champion Jill Ellis as she openly pined for a coach that, “knows what she is doing,” on Twitter.

“Her substitutions and player management were insane,” stated Evans on her personal Twitter account. “I’m happy that we can finally have a coach for the United States Women that knows what they are doing instead of just making up things as they go.”

Evans reportedly discounted the two World Cup wins by Ellis as a stroke of luck via riding the player pool of the United States as she found every possible excuse to not celebrate the outgoing coach of the reigning world champions.

“It was pure luck and all of the coaches she was up against were likely better than her and would’ve won with that team. She’s not the one that won the game, she’s the one that almost sabotaged it. We all know the true power was with the players and not the coaches because we watched those 20 second videos on Instagram and tic-toc that showed the slowed down hugs between players and staff that showed a real disconnect and the fact that everyone hates her including me.”

Despite Ellis’ victories in the World Cup, Evans stated that she never won the Olympic gold medal, “and that shows that she is a complete fraud at player management regardless of winning the world cup because anyone can do that and I just hate her.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Evans waits until there is a new coach to start hating them as well.

NPSL Team Abandons Game In Protest After Short Corner Actually Results In Goal

Grimes, IA - According to reporters on the scene, NPSL Mid-West-East-North, but not too south regional team Hard Grimes United quit en-masse after performing a successful short corner during their game against Madrid Barcelona FC.

“These things never work and the fact that it did work is a perfect example of how flawed the game is at a base level across the United States,” stated David Davidson, head coach of Grimes United. “I turned to walk back to the bench, as you typically do, only to find out that we scored. This is outrageous.”

Sources indicate that Grimes United played the ball in short to a midfielder who swept the ball in with his right foot before it was headed down by defender Jamison Williams to onrushing forward Mikael Acosta.

“Everyone knows that short corners do not work. EVERYONE,” stated Acosta. “I was thoroughly disgusted to put the ball in the net. I was disgusted for myself and I was disgusted for our opposition. I think the only way forward for them is seppuku.”

Players for Madrid Barcelona FC refused to speak to our reporters, but sources within the team indicated that they were dealing with the matter internally using both corporal punishment, wage docking and expulsion.

Owner of Madrid Barcelona FC Josef “Pappy” Dubois issued an open memo to the press containing the following statement.

“Today, the game has a shadow cast over it from our inability to guard a short corner. We brought the global game into ill repute. No one with our club escapes this shame. We will carry it to our graves and our children’s, children’s, children’s graves. Carved in our headstone will read, ‘Unable to defend short corner.’ We would like to thank our fans for their support up to this part of the season and we will offer refunds should they not wish the shame of continuing to be supporters of this club.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we speak to the referee at the game about his shame in being involved in calling the goal.


Phoenix Man Finally Crawls Out From Under Bleachers After Dollar Beer Night

Phoenix, AZ - Reports from the stands indicate that Pheonix Man Carlos Villareal finally crawled out from under the bleachers at Casino Arizona Field and returned home after the recent Dollar Beer Night promotion put together by Phoenix Rising on July 19th.

DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO DRINK MASS QUANTITIES OF BUD LIGHT?! READY TO RE-LIVE COLLEGE?!

“Oh shit,” stated Villareal as he held his head, looked at the sun and checked his pockets for his sunglasses and keys. “What day is it?”

Dollar Beer Night at Phoenix Rising has fast become one of the best promotions in the United Soccer League, however it has lead to its own challenges as fans experience their own version of time travel related to the mass quantities of Beer being ingested.

“I had um….. um…… um…. I had… an appointment with, um…. a real… er.. a realtor,” stated Villareal as he attempted to find his car and the biggest bottle of Gatorade and Pedialyte he could find. “I’m going to have to re… whatever.. um… schedule, oh god my head.”

According to insider sources with the team, cots were set up and extra medics on staff to ensure that everyone made it out of the game alive.

“We are bound to miss a few of our exuberant fans,” stated one anonymous employee. “However, we just told the grounds crew and security to let them sleep it off, no matter how long it takes.”

With the next Phoenix Rising game away at Tulsa, the grounds crew stated that they would’ve let him sleep it off until the weekend, but were concerned about his health as they left him some water and some food.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Villareal prepares for the next dollar beer night on the 16th of August by doing a juice cleanse and then focusing on couch to AA program.

NPSL Member's Only Cup Jackets Set To Be Autumn Of 2019's Hottest Clothing Item

With the re-brand of the National Premier Soccer League’s (NPSL) Founders Cup to the Members Cup, style and clothing experts predict that the Member’s Only Cup Jackets will be the new hot trend for Autumn of 2019.

“We are bringing it BACK, baby” stated NPSL director of style and branding Keith “Tubbs” McGill. “With Donald Trump being everywhere these days and greed being good again we thought it was only fair to bring back the preeminent 1980s fashion trend in Members Only jackets for our Members Only Cup Jackets.”

Sources with the NPSL indicate that the jackets will come in four distinct colors of Electric Eggshell, Pernicious Pink, Luscious Lavender and Tubular Turquoise.

“Everything these days is a call back to a nostalgic time when you were young and you perceived the world as being easy. The Members Only Cup Jackets will be electric this season for just that reason,” stated McGill. “Our details will include embossed stars and team logos sewed into the jacket liner and an NPSL logo on the top chest clasp. It’s gonna be … wait for it… TOTALLY RADICAL!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as groups form to discuss Huey Lewis And The Nutmeg News.


SpaceX Set For Josef Martinez Penalty Kick Landing, Hottest Adidas Reentry Yet

Cape Canaveral, FL - SpaceX’s first Josef Martinez penalty kick is ready to wow crowds once more with a landing at Cape Canaveral and a center core recovery attempt more than 1200 km (750 mi) off the coast of Florida.

Stating, “Holy hell he shanked the crap out of that ball,” SpaceX mission commander Dave Stevens plotted the recovery attempt of the middle of the ball that Martinez nearly deposited into low Earth orbit alongside the leathery exterior of the ball that remained just outside the Mesosphere for over two days.

With Martinez attempting to become the first man to reach Mars with a penalty kick, SpaceX has its work cut out for themselves as they attempt to plan a way to keep the payload intact.

“It appears that the stutter step is not entirely functioning like a multi-stage rocket,” stated Stevens. “we thought that possibly hitting it in this fashion would alter the trajectory of the ball allowing it to reach the upper Mars atmosphere, but we didn’t even make it into the Exosphere.”

SpaceX stated they feel confident in the re-entry of Martinez shot as their abilities were built on their success at retrieving Michael Bradley’s penalty shot.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the ball collides with the Italian space program’s nascent attempt to reach the moon in 1994.

Whitecaps Fan Wistfully Reminisces About The Last Time She Had Hope

Vancouver, BC - According to friends in attendance, Whitecaps fan Kelly Riordan spent most of her Monday evening wistfully reminiscing about the last time she had hope in a season as she fondly recalled a time gone by and players long since departed.

“If I have another I’m going to start talking about 2008 and 2009.”

“Oh but I was younger then,” stated Riordan as she gazed off into the distance. “We all were, Jeff… Karl…. Pete… I remember when Pete would come to games. Oh god, what a time we would have back when it felt like maybe something good could happen.”

Riordan spent most of the evening sitting in a booth surrounded by four friends attempting to drink away their remembrances of a Monday that seemed like it would never depart.

“We had fun, then, even if it didn’t quite seem like it at the time. Even though 2015 was a mirage, there were times when I could actually believe, but…. well… belief is in hard supply these days.”

Friends state that Riordan recalled the golden years of Martin Rennie, Carl Robinson, and Teitur Thordarson as she tried to make sense of the past few years.

“I know I’m going to be around because apparently I’m a masochist,” stated Riordan into her beer. “But I can’t help but think of the people we lost along the way to gardening, hiking, skiing and bike riding. I can’t blame them but somehow I can’t leave….. even though I’ve spent most of this year wanting to leave. Some days I just stare at my game calendar in Google and wonder why.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Riordan lies to herself about not attending the next home game.

Fan's Estimation Of, "Like Two Million Fouls In That Game," Proven To Be Incorrect

Seattle, WA - Sounders fan Deborah Williams estimation of, “Like, two million fouls in that game,” was proven to be incorrect by statisticians with Opta and the Cambridge Institute Of Football Research, on Tuesday.

“If… IF you carry over transitive fouling are we talking about an exponential increase in overall foul markers for the game?”

“We looked at Ms. Williams estimation and were concerned,” stated Enrique Humberto of Opta. “After all, two million fouls in a game would be a new record and would likely be a seismic shift in the way the game is played. We had to investigate so we put together a task force with the Cambridge Institute Of Football Research to count all the fouls in the Seattle versus Portland game to determine whether there were, in fact, two million fouls.”

Statisticians with CIOFR indicate that doubts were raised instantaneously as the game didn’t have the number of fouls per minute to result in two million fouls within the first two or three minutes.

“We knew that we were on to something big at this point,” stated Geoffrey Haverbrook of CIOFR. “If Ms. Williams estimation was correct then that game should see roughly 22,222 fouls per minute. After our researchers did NOT see 22,222 fouls in the first minute they suspected that perhaps her estimate was off.”

According to first year researcher Delmond Lewis he was startled by the stark difference.

“I expected blood and carnage and instead I got some people passing the ball around the back. I kept waiting for even 1,000 fouls or maybe 500 fouls per minute but instead we were treated to a lack of statistical action based upon the expectations that we had.”

With the research finally in, CIOFR and Opta both issued a statement widely panning the estimation of Ms. Williams as they elucidated that there were not two million fouls in that game.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a chastened Ms. Williams states that, “Portland are LITERALLY the worst team in soccer,” leading to a flurry of activity with CIOFR again.

Role-Locking Could Be Coming To The Major League Soccer

NEW YORK - Today, a collection of Major League Soccer memos leaked that THE Major League Soccer is apparently looking at copying Overwatch League by implementing role-locking.

“If only we could get these kinds of spectacles”

Mary Altaffer - The Washington Post/File

Sources within the league indicate that MLS looked towards the popular E-Sports league in order to figure out how to re-invigorate their competition as they toyed around with the idea of role locking all Major League Soccer teams to a 4-4-2 team composition.

“We noticed the popularity of Overwatch and realized that we may have something to learn from them. After all, the league actually got airtime on ABC recently and we’ve been relegated to ESPNews,” stated one anonymous insider. “So where they are locking team compositions to two damage-dealers, two supports, and two tanks, we are looking at locking team compositions to four defenders, four midfielders and two forwards.”

The memos indicate that teams and players would be restricted by the new rules in both composition and position on the field.

“If you are defender you can only play within the first third of the field,” stated the memo. “If a player advances beyond that position then a foul is immediately called and the ball is turned over to the other team. Midfielders can only play within the middle third of the field and forwards can only play in the final third of the field.”

Sources indicate that Major League Soccer is hoping that this will prevent them from opening the purse strings during the next Collective Bargaining Agreement.

“We are going to enforce players to be the players you think they are,” stated one anonymous General Manager. “No more marauding fullbacks, no more false 9 midfielders. Forwards will finally play forward, defenders will be tanks and your defensive midfielder will not be making game saving clearances off the line. It’s been a long time coming that we listened to fans of other games. This will finally simplify the game for American audiences. This is Foosball for football. I think it’s finally time that the world admitted that Johan Cruyff was full of shit and total football is a lie.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer tries to exceed the television ratings for competitive Overwatch.

Distraught LAFC Players Unable To Find Fans To Salute After Successful Away Fans Camouflage

LOS ANGELES - Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) players were reportedly distraught after being unable to salute their travelling fans at the end of the El Tráfico rivalry game as the away fans traveled in camouflage.

LAFC fans in the stands

“We were very disappointed in the result, but I always want to tell our fans that we appreciate them,” stated one anonymous player. “I looked everywhere in the stadium and couldn’t find them. I know that this result didn’t go their way, but I didn’t think our fans would just abandon us like that.”

Managers and staff were equally mystified saying that they looked exactly where they thought that the fans would be, but didn’t see anything.

“This is really unbelievable,” stated one assistant coach. “I just didn’t think that our fans would abandon us. I looked up at the area where they supposed to be and all I saw was the typical Woodland markings as one would expect in Los Angeles at this time of year. I expect to see all of our travelling support, not a bunch of tree, shrub and shadow blob markings indicative of a high contrast disruptive pattern with irregular markings in sand, brown, green and black. I’m just shattered to be honest.”

Fans state that they were actually there the whole time as their attempt at Camouflage succeeded perfectly showing that, in fact, they were ready for battle by disappearing completely from battle as successful camouflage does.

“We won in the stands by being united and visibly invisible,” stated one anonymous LAFC fan. “It’s important for us to show our team that we are united by wearing clothes designed to disguise an individual or group. It’s WAR…. on the beer stands and VICTORY over cotton candy.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we attempt to interview an LAFC fan regarding this but end up speaking to a speckled pattern of light in the Los Angeles woodland.


MLS Announces New Tournament for 2020 Called The Open Cup Of Leagues

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer announced, today, the formation of a new tournament involving teams from Major League Soccer, Liga MX and the United Soccer League that will start in 2020 bringing the total of competitions for some teams in MLS to five.

Look at THIS bold design!

“We thought that the CONCACAF Champions League, US Open Cup, MLS Cup, and Leagues Cup wasn’t enough,” stated commissioner Don Garber. “So we decided to create another tournament that will really allow us to cash in on the interests of fans.”

The tournament is reportedly going to be called The Open Cup Of Leagues and will take place from April to November running on Tuesdays and Wednesdays opposite any US Open Cup or CONCACAF Champions League or regular season games that MLS or USL teams may be playing.

“The selection process of The Open Cup Of Leagues will be performed behind closed doors based upon a mandatory sealed bid process overseen by Soccer United Marketing,” stated Garber. “We plan on debuting the new tournament on the Flow Sports streaming program for a new monthly fee of $14.99. For that low cost you can watch all the games in The Open Cup Of Leagues provided they aren’t blacked out in your area.”

According to insiders, team owner operators are upset that the league is adding even more congestion to an already packed schedule but indicate that they will be fine with the whole thing provided it makes them a boatload of money.

“Three to four to five games a week for most of the year? I guess I’m fine with that as long as the check clears,” stated one anonymous owner.

While some fans are reportedly aghast at the idea of spending up to 4 days a week at the stadium, supporters groups in Major League Soccer issued edicts challenging the passion and commitment of fans who wouldn’t show up for a US Open Cup, Leagues Cup, MLS Regular season, CONCACAF Champions League and Open Cup Of Leagues game in one week.

As well, Commissioner Garber indicated that any team who won MLS Cup would still be expected to compete in the Campeones Cup game against the Liga MX champion.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS cracks down on teams trying to sign or acquire on loan more players to compensate for the increased schedule.

NPSL Team Announces National Broadcasting Deal For The 2020 Season

Coral City, FL - NPSL team the Coral City Marauders announced a national broadcasting deal for the 2020 season as they indicated that they finally closed a deal with Jerry Rodriguez to have him stream all their home games to Twitch from a tablet.

“Coral City Marauders are proud to be the only National Premier Soccer League team with a national broadcasting deal,” stated the press release. “We are utilizing the technology available to us to distribute our games on a world wide platform utilizing a new technology and a guy sitting in the stands connected to our WIFI.”

Rodriguez stated that he first began streaming games online when he realized that he was bored and had nothing better to do.

“Yeah, I don’t know… I wouldn’t recommend it,” stated Rodriguez to The Nutmeg News. “At first it hurt my hands to hold it the entire game and try to follow the action, but now I just prop it up on a cup of coffee and hope that it doesn’t fall down or disconnect.”

The Marauders stated that their stellar broadcast team would be back for this season with Play-By-Play duties being handled by Drunk Chad Berky and William “Tank” Gutierrez who once played a game for the 69 Bandits in the Coral City Men’s Rec Soccer League while on MDMA.

“Chad and William will offer a fan perspective to our viewers that you can’t get anywhere else unless you are sitting near them because all they do is talk all game long,” stated Coral City president Zach Williams. “This deal will offer Coral City the chance to become the first national and even possibly international NPSL soccer team.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Marauders task their players to play a Minecraft challenge map while live streaming their warmups.

CRISIS AT THE BORDER: Whitecaps Fans Stage Mass Migration Caravan To Pacific FC

Blaine, WA - Officials with the United States Border Patrol indicate that they are tracking a massive migration caravan they believe includes women and children as fans of the Vancouver Whitecaps attempt to cross the border of Whitecaps fandom to become fans of Pacific FC in the Canadian Premier League.

By Another Believer - Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0

“We are concerned that they are sending children, they are sending women, they are sending men and whole families,” stated one anonymous border patrol official. “If these people begin their migration to Vancouver Island then very soon they may migrate to Blaine to sup upon the very freedom we guard with our loaded and ready M4 Carbine. COME AND GET SOME OF OUR BACK BACON NOW, BOYS..”

Officials with the Border Patrol state that they remain ready to defend the United States against the growing Canadian menace as they see an incursion of Whitecaps fans on to Vancouver Island as an act of aggression against the United States.

“We will protect our borders against all threats, real and imagined,” stated Kevin McAleenan the acting secretary in his capacity as Commissioner of the Customs and Border Protection. “This incursion into our very freedoms that somewhat extend north of the border whenever we decide they do is a direct threat to the growth of the game in Bellingham, Blaine, and any of the other communist wastelands that we protect with the blood of our patriots on guard against smuggled illegal Ibuprofen and Kinder Eggs.”

With Whitecaps fans in open rebellion against the Whitecaps themselves, analysts say that this upheaval could spread to other locations and sports as a burgeoning Canuck Spring grows on Twitter from the disapproving soccer fans.

“We must tear down the statues of Lenarduzzi,” stated @ResistCapsManagement. “Our revolution will be a peaceful one, but it will not stop until all families are united again and actually happy going to games..”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as US Border Patrol spawns a rogue patriot patrol that prevents soccer fans from crossing over the border unless they swear a blood loyalty oath to Carlos Cordeiro.

NPSL Semi-Finals To Be Decided By Rock Paper Scissors

The National Premier Soccer League indicated that after using a coin flip to decide the recent AFC Ann Arbor v Rochester Lancers Midwest Region Quarterfinal that they would be enforcing a Rock Paper Scissors contest to decide the regional semi-finals across the league.

“The only fair way for teams to advance in this league is through the age old RoChamBeaux tradition,” stated director of competition Harvey Lewis. “I think people have had enough NPSL soccer for one year.”

Insiders with the league stated that the people in charge are just simply tired of actually putting on a soccer tournament and figured this would be an easy way out.

“Does anyone really care anymore,” stated on anonymous NPSL employee. “Why don’t we just convert Major League Soccer to Rock Paper Scissors. They might get better television ratings.”

Players within the NPSL were reportedly upset with the change but coaches have implemented a new training regime of scouting who throws rock and deciding who throws scissors.

“Analytics show us that most players overthink and throw paper. This is a mistake,” stated the goalkeeper coach of Miami FC. “It’s important to remember to cover your base and that’s not a euphemism for throwing paper.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the USL looks to trial a new playoff structure involving Stratego.


"It's Completely Coincidental That This Twitter Outage Coincided With The Happiest I've Been In Over A Month," States Soccer Supporter

San Jose, CA - Earthquakes fan Charles @billybills2026 Sanders stated that, “it’s completely coincidental that this Twitter outage coincided with the happiest I’ve been in over a month,” as he quickly fell back into his old routine of perpetual outrage, anger, and being completely judgmental at the things he habitually reads that originate from this technology hellscape.

“I’m not addicted to Twitter,” stated Sanders as he quickly glanced at the app on his phone in between buckling his seat belt and starting his car. “I just use it for news and information on the Earthquakes….. and to keep up with my fellow fans….that I now hate…. because I’m on Twitter.”

Sanders indicated that he first started using Twitter recreationally over four years ago before recently having a moment of clarity as he realized that he was half-drunk and shitposting on the app at 1:30 in the morning in the bathroom of a dingy motel as he lashed out in anger at random celebrities, sports figures, politicians and friends alike who all are trying to figure out how to wrestle with the intrusion of everyone’s personal thoughts being crammed into their head.

“I can absolutely quit any time I want,” stated Sanders as he posted a ranting thread against the referees in MLS that generated responses in agreement from his fellow fans and negative responses from an anonymous Galaxy fan who has taken it upon himself to just respond to everything that Mr. Sanders posts with a crying baby gif and profanity laden direct messages.

“I tried to block that guy but he just keeps creating new accounts,” stated Sanders. “I’m not letting it bother me though,” lied Sanders to us and himself as he admitted that most of the time just the simple act of surfing his timeline makes him extremely unhappy.

“This year though, I’ve taken to just using Twitter from time to time, for like goal videos and lineups and shit,” stated Sanders as he scrolled through 86 different tweets that made him angry from accounts that he doesn’t follow that were forced into his timeline from the likes and retweets of friends that he doesn’t have the temerity to unfollow nor the courage to mute. “It’s going to be fine, i just feel moderately depressed most of the day, but who doesn’t these days.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sanders states that he’s leaving Twitter… on Twitter… only to come back online within the week.



Our Pick For MLS 2019 Newcomer Of The Year: Bheem Goyal

While other newspapers (*) may wait til the end of the season to proclaim their nominations, we see no reason to wait to proclaim our nomination for an award that is now a foregone conclusion.

With his stellar play, quick feet, and goalkeeping acumen on display in recent practice sessions before he leads the Sounders against Borussia Dortmund, we state unequivocally that the Major League Soccer 2019 Newcomer Of The Year should be Bheem Goyal.

In his rookie year, this prodigious talent of the Seattle Sounders supplanted his long time mentor Stefan Frei in goal as he quickly became a figurehead for the 2019 Sounders season.

“He has all the skills to become an International level goalkeeper,” stated one Sounders insider. “We’ve already received contact from Gregg Berhalter regarding a call up to the United States.”

Fans of the Sounders latched on to the story of the young man stating that Goyal feels like one of their own when he is on the field.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as rumblings begin about Goyal’s prospects for league MVP.

Leagues Cup Announces Pneumatic Cannon Ball Stands AND MULTIBALL Mode

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer announced, today, pneumatic cannon ball stands behind the goalkeepers and a new MULTIBALL mode for the upcoming Leagues Cup 2nd district Quarter Quell games.

MAJOR

LEAGUE

SOCCER

“We are excited for the ON BRAND on fleek upcoming law changes,” stated director of radness for the Leagues Cup Dirk “Tubthumper” Williams. “Everyone in the United States has been saying that soccer is too boring for far too long. There’s only one answer to that….. BALL STANDS AND MULTIBALL!”

Sources within the Leagues Cup state that MULTIBALL will be instituted if the players on the field hit a branded gong three times during a five minute span. The Chick-fil-A Gong will be placed 25 feet above the head of the supporters section for each team. MULTIBALL will last for 5 minutes during which time there will be two legal balls jettisoned onto the field by a pneumatic air cannon attached to the Ball Stands behind the goal keepers.

BALL STANDS! Won’t SOMEONE think of the ball children impact by this?

“If a player manages to hit the gong 4 times during MULTIBALL, then an additional ball will be added to the field for a three ball MULTIBALL bonus,” stated Williams. “If players then light up letters on the ad boards that spell out Budweiser then they will gain an additional 100,000 points and they may trigger a bonus mode where six balls will be jettisoned into the middle of the field, offside doesn’t exist and all referees will ignore challenges for five minutes. ANYTHING GOES! BLOOD MUST FLOW! GOALS WILL HAPPEN! MLS! LEAGUE OF CHOICE!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Leagues Cup debates adding a libero player for both teams who uses only trampolines to cover the distance between goals.

Legions Of Women's Soccer Fans In United States Return To Hibernation For Another Four Years

UNITED STATES - The legions of very passionate women’s soccer fans in the United States announced their return to hibernation for another four years as the United States won the FIFA World Cup by defeating the Netherlands, today.

“It’s not our fault that FCKC left after winning two championships, it was the ownership. If we had better ownership we would all show up.”

“We, the best fans in the world, had a great time following the World Cup these past few weeks,” stated the gathered masses at watch parties in Kansas City, Boston, New York, and Orlando. “We would like to thank the United States women for winning the World Cup and we promise to return, mostly, in 2023 as long as the team is good and has a chance to win the World Cup then as well.”

Reportedly, the best fans of Women’s Soccer in the world stated that a few of their number would watch the USWNT at the Olympics during the off year. As well, a very few number stated that they would watch any other game the USWNT would play in the in between time, however the vast majority indicated that four weeks was enough.

“We can’t be expected to support either physically or financially the Women’s Game if it doesn’t involve the United States Women’s Team. There is actually no other team in the United States but the United States Women,” stated the collected masses. “We wish there was some other opportunity to support another team, but there isn’t much time in our lives…. our favorite USWNT player isn’t on it…. we can’t find it on the television…..the league feesls minor league to us because no one is supporting it ….. we don’t know where they have teams…. no one watches the league anyway…. the quality isn’t as good as the USWNT…. we don’t want to drive that far… the stadium isn’t easily available….. it’s too hot…. it’s too cold….. we can’t root against our favorite player, anyway, you see it is really complicated.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a group of fans that can’t be bothered to purchase tickets to an NWSL game spends a few weeks planning her finances in order to spend the thousands of dollars she will need to travel any of the potential host countries for 2023.



INSPIRING! This Tone Deaf Supporter May Not Know The Words To Any Of The Songs, But That Doesn't Stop Him From Belting Them Out

Seattle, WA - Local technology consultant and longtime lanyard wearer Philip Thurgood admitted that he may not know any of the words to any of the songs sung in the Emerald City Supporters, but he woiuld’t let that keep him from belting out whatever he thinks they should be at a decibel splitting volume in the wrong key.

“What’s important is hanging with the boys, singing for the boys and cold beer” stated Thurgood to The Nutmeg News as he purchased a half rack of Coors Light for his upcoming Team America Revolutionary Patriot themed USA v England watch party. “I don’t need to know the words to make an impact, I just need to be loud.”

People around Thurgood state that his commitment to singing “Hold On Columbia, hold on,” in the loudest screeching voice possible indicates his inspiring ability to overcome his apparent difficulty in learning the actual lyrics to any of the songs he hears roughly once every other year when he attends a Sounders game due to the tickets being gifted to him from a corporate partner.

“I tried to show him the lyrics but honestly we just need loud voices,” stated one anonymous ECS member.

“I think that song is like an old song from classic R&B artist Ne-Yo,” stated Thurgood. “We should be poppin bottles if we are talking bout holding on to our lovers.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on the inspiring heroes of the supporters groups that we all know and love.