Everyone In Supporters' Section Knows Karen's Relationship Is Going To Fail Except Her

Kansas City, KS - According to insider sources, everyone in The Cauldron section of Children's Mercy Park knows that Karen Henderson's relationship is going to fail except her.

"Did you hear what he SAID on Saturday?"

"Yeah, it's not going to last," stated Pat Williams of Overland Park. "The guy she brought last week was checked out a few minutes into the game. It's not happening."

"Hoooooo boy, where do I start," stated Veronica Hazling of the River Market neighborhood. "Look, I don't know Karen at all, but I heard from her friend Dave's friend that he talked to her friend Yancey about how this guy is just not going to work out. There's no way. Plus, I heard he was on his phone during the game. Like, c'mon... this is not going to last."

The Nutmeg News reached out to Ms. Henderson for comment, but she stated that she was perfectly happy with her current relationship and gave a doomed vote of confidence to her current partner Stephen William Phillips.

However, the reviews coming in from even as far as the south stand general admission section was not good for the fortunes of her relationship.

"I hear that she was unhappy about him wanting to leave early," stated friend of mutual friends and woman who read text messages over her shoulder one time two games ago Linda Kotby. "I know they had a date night scheduled that she took to mean a game they were attending that he wasn't happy about."

Even people as far flung as section 126 admitted that Henderson appeared to be well on her way to being single again as Jasmine Hitchcok stated, "I read her twitter feed that she was, 'not having a great day,' the other day so I'm pretty certain they are going to break up soon."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Henderson eventually breaks up with Phillips after realizing that he only attends games because of her and not the love of the team.

Carefree Soccer Supporter Unaware That Team Is About To Completely Fall Apart

Carefree soccer supporter Tom Stewart is reportedly unaware that his beloved team is about to completely fall apart due to issues in the locker room, persistent injuries at crucial positions of which he is completely unaware and a crisis in overall team confidence.

"No one even wants to pass to me anymore."

"We are sitting in a good position right now for the stretch run," stated Stewart to The Nutmeg News. "We've had some tough games but this is the time where we turn it on and make a run to the championship."

Team sources indicate that, in fact, Mr. Stewarts favorite team is actually highly dysfunctional and completely rudderless as recent arguments in the locker room have poisoned the morale of the team leading to the recent struggles that he so graciously overlooked. 

"We are totally screwed," stated one anonymous player. "Half the defense doesn't trust the tactics anymore and they are tired of the forwards and midfielders not scoring. It's completely fractured, but we keep on acting online like everything isn't completely unraveling at the seams in order to keep the fans on our side. I mean, my insta stories are really driving some awesome fan engagement numbers for my own personal brand."

Our reporters spoke to one forward who was willing to speak anonymously who stated the following, "It's the fault of the defense. They can't keep a clean sheet even when we score 2 or 3 goals. We should be able to win if we even score one goal, but they can't keep screwing up back there."

Meanwhile, the hopelessly naive Mr Stewart reportedly purchased a new kit this week and is looking forward to the upcoming game which, unbeknownst to him, his own team thinks they are going to lose.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stewart excuses the dispirited performances as an issue of fixture congestion. 

US Justice Department Immediately Opens Up Investigation Into FIFA After Gianni Infantino Meets With President Trump

WASHINGTON - According to insider sources, the United States Justice Department immediately opened up an investigation into the international money laundering cartel known as FIFA after president Gianni Infantino met with President Donald Trump.

"Given the level of corruption and backhanded deals involved within the organization including money laundering, human rights violations, and ethical impropriety we are amazed that FIFA even agreed to meet with President Trump and the United States corporation," stated one anonymous source with the Justice Department. "The feeling here is that any dealings that FIFA have with the United States casts a serious shadow over the organizational structure of FIFA and forces our hand into an investigation into the organization, again."

Infantino reportedly met President Donald Trump in the White House where the two discussed soccer, terminology, President Trump's son Baron, and how to avoid being prosecuted for human rights violations by the international community.

The Nutmeg News reached out to former FIFA President Sepp Blatter, currently serving a six year ban from FIFA activities, who had the following to say, "President Trump is a good man, a great man, a man I look up to in every regard. My removal from FIFA was a witch hunt built on fake news, to use your terminology."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Infantino suggests that term limits shouldn't apply to global leaders of federations OR countries.

TNN Art Corner: NYCFC Fan Groups Embrace Surrealism With Irrational Juxtaposition Of Right And Wrong

NEW YORK - With the New York City FC T.I.F.O team creating a display that evoked the dadaism and surrealism of the 1920s while challenging the preconceived notions of correct thought, The Nutmeg News turned to New York City Art Critic Donalda Bristane to illuminate their attempt at a stadium installation.

We must understand what the artist is trying to say, here.

"The layperson may see the wrong team crest in this display, but we, the critic, must see the irrational juxtaposition of the correct teams and the incorrect team as a sign that the creator wants to challenge our preconceived notions of what IS art," stated Bristane to The Nutmeg News. "The viewer wishes to see SSV Markranstädt, but the artist challenges this preconception by including Lokomotive Leipzig."

While fans castigated the display online, Ms Bristane indicated that they missed the overall messaging in the display.

"What we see here is really a demonstration of the idea of fake news, but in graphic format. It's a critique of the things that are so easily verifiable by google and modern technology as to not be believed when incorrectly stated or shown. It becomes clear that the artists could have and did spend the requisite time researching the right teams to include in this installation. The message is in the surrealism of putting in the wrong team, of forcing the viewer to comprehend, understand and apply themselves logically to deduce the message. Then the artist challenges the viewer by utilizing their rival's slogan while incorporating the dadaist methodology of completely ridiculing the meaninglessness of the modern world. Red Bull gives you wings, and death and fake news, and all the things in our news cycle. This piece is reflective of that even if it doesn't have the gravitas of inspirational pieces from the artists in Montreal who effected these ideas prior."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this after we consult our thesaurus to figure out about what she was talking.

Indy Eleven Fan Starts #NotBuiltForMLS Campaign To Ensure Team Doesn't Go To Major League Soccer

Indianapolis, IN - Indy Eleven fan Oscar Williams announced, today, the formation of his group "Not Built For MLS", a group dedicated to keeping his team out of Major League Soccer.

.......... from the league structure.

"I just want to say Hell No to Major League Soccer," stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. "No to their franchising, no to their club movement, no to their arcane financial rules, and just no to the whole thing."

Williams started "Not Built For MLS" as a hashtag within the last six months as his thoughts clarified on the league after seeing what happened to Columbus Crew fans.

"I don't want to lose my team. I especially don't want that team moved somewhere else and to watch all those other fans enjoying my pain and misery as they fall in love with the players and team that I loved for so long. Moving to Major League Soccer means there is a chance that Indy 11 gets moved somewhere else so I'll be perfectly happy to stay in the USL."

#NotBuiltForMLS has taken off on social media with 10s of fans tweeting their support from Sacramento to Arizona.

"I just hope these fans know that what they have now is good enough," stated Williams. "I hope they know that the most important thing isn't being in the best league, but having a team you can call your own."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as other Indy Eleven fans call Williams a cynical dickhead who doesn't understand how totally awesome it would be to be in Major League soccer.

MLS Announces Changes To Annual Heineken Hooligan Week

With the yearly exhibit of all things rivalry, Heineken and hooligan now upon us, Major League Soccer announced that the third year of the Heineken Hooligan Week will bring some dramatic changes to the yearly competition in order to increase supporter participation.

"We will still have the Hardest Crew pose off and the Sandwich Board throw," stated MLS director of Hooligan Affairs and crap beer czar Dante Washington. "However, now we will also be adding in the MLS Heineken Pyromania competition, a styrofoam cooler smash, and 100 yard scarf steal dash."

According to Washington the MLS Heineken Pyromania competition will involve individual supporters sneaking pyro into their home stadiums, using it successfully, getting the scene into a commercial or advertisement utilized by the league and then getting banned by the league. The longer the ban and the more that the league uses the advertisement, the more points the supporter gets. This will be a yearly competition that will culminate during Heineken Rivalry Week and Heineken Hooligan Week.

As well, entering the competition this year is the Styrofoam cooler smash and the 100 yard scarf steal dash where supporters attempt to smash up the personal effects of other supporters in an attempt to look cool and evade the cops.

"Nothing says unrestrained passion for your city and your team like gently destroying a cooler filled with terrible beer that is carried by a soccer fan of a team that you've hated for the last year or so," stated Washington to The Nutmeg News. "We also plan to have a 100 yard dash where you steal a scarf off a supporter and then are chased by other out of shape supporters for 100 yards before the league issues sanctions against your supporters group and a banning order to someone in the general area of where the theft occurred."

Fans are reportedly excited for the new additions with several new Firm's spinning up in order to take place in the games.

"I've been practicing for the 100 yard scarf dash for at least 2 minutes this season already," stated one anonymous LAFC fan from the supporters group IRON HAMMER FIRM NOT ASSOCIATED WITH WEST HAM. "I'll run even faster if it happens to be an LA Galaxy fan that I'm stealing from."

The Nutmeg News will have more as the hooligan festivities kick off, bruv.

"I'm Not Paying $4 A Month To Read That Article," States Man Buying $55 Worth Of Concessions

LOS ANGELES - In reference to a recent Cameron Carter Vickers story on The Athletic, Galaxy supporter Erik Jamison stated, "I'm not paying $4 a month to read that article," while he bought $55 worth of concessions at the StubHub Center.

"I support soccer journalism as long as I don't have to pay for it." stated Jamison to his friend Peter Burrows. "I want the writers and photographers to get paid, but I ... you know... personally don't want to pay them."

As Mr. Burrows described the article written by Jeff Rueter he was cut short by Mr Jamison who said, "You pay for that?" before he swiped his debit card for two more $12.50 beers. 

According to friends online, Jamison took his concern to Facebook and Reddit as he came back from the game and complained about not being able to read the story about the Tottenham Hotspur player.

"My friend told me about this Cameron Carter Vickers story and I want to know if anyone can copy/paste it from behind the paywall," asked Jamison through his reddit account CobiJoneSoda. "I'm just looking for someone to send it my way because I can't really afford to pay for a subscription to a soccer journalism site."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Jamison spends another $40 on beer at the next home game.

MLS Ponders Possible Chicago Move To San Antonio If Austin Attendance Mirrors Dallas And Houston

NEW YORK - According to insiders, executives with Major League Soccer are considering a possible move of the Chicago Fire to San Antonio if future Austin MLS team attendance mirrors the half full stadiums of FC Dallas and the Houston Dynamo.

WOOOoooooooooooo look at that crowd!

"Look, if three teams in Texas can't get us a sold out stadium we will just put another team and hope THAT one is good," stated one anonymous source.

League insiders noted that Houston and Dallas have both recently taken up two positions in the bottom seven list of 2018 MLS attendance. However, they also noted that moving Austin is just one trick towards expanding the Texas market.

"There's at least, like, a thousand people in Texas," stated one MLS marketing executive. "If we really get after them, we may be able to pull another 14,000/15,000 attendance crowd in place for Austin We are going to crack this Texas nut if we have to move 10 teams to Texas."

Fans in San Antonio reportedly rebelled against the idea of moving an Andrew Hauptman team to their area, but Major League Soccer was nonplussed stating, "You'll get it and you'll like it and your city will pay for it and you'll shut up or get nothing. We will get a sold out stadium in Texas eventually. It's going to happen, just like at Audi Field and the Banc of California stadium in Los Angeles it is going to be sold out all the time. ALL. THE. TIME."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we look into possible MLS expansion sites in San Angelo, Boerne, Paris, Brownsville, Waco, Lubbock and Texarkana.

"Attempted Destruction Of Columbus Crew Now Don Garber's Long Term Legacy," Say Fans

The association of soccer fans in the United States, Canada and select parts of the world paying attention all agreed that the attempted absolute destruction of the Columbus Crew would be considered Don Garber's long term legacy from here on out regardless of what happens.

"I'll move your club just as soon as I can find another city ready to take it."

We spoke to Columbus native Dale Gillfry who stated, "All I think about when it comes to Don Garber is his willful destruction of the team that I love and grew up watching. I think about the fact that he stood by and facilitated a snake oil salesman moving the team that I love away from the city that I love. My dad took me to games. I've taken my kids to games. This is encouraged theft and Garber is responsible."

Our reporters spoke to soccer fans from Los Angeles to New York and despite their investment in Major League Soccer, all acknowledged their understanding of Garber's legacy in killing the Crew.

"Yeah, Donnie just stood by, accepted his Soccer Hall Of Fame induction and tried to kill MLS in Columbus, didn't he?" stated Galaxy fan David Gutierrez.

"It's amazing that the Commissioner of the league just screwed all these fans out of their history," stated Sporting Kansas City fan Deborah Hays.

"I don't really find it that surprising," stated San Jose fan James Wilson. "He tried to screw us over and has a history of not caring about the fans at all. So the fact that he would actively facilitate salting the earth in Columbus seems like par for the course for him."

According to league biographers, Garber is a saint who kept the league alive. However, according to fans, his history will always be one of inventing a myriad of byzantine rules that obfuscate the acquisition process to an insane degree, going against organized labor, killing the original San Jose Earthquakes, the Columbus Crew, Chivas USA, the Miami Fusion, and the Tampa Bay Mutiny, and attempting to put three teams in Texas.

"If you look at it one way, the dude is a straight up club serial killer," stated D.C. United fan Paul Kovacevich. "Granted a few of them were a reality of business, but you almost have to respect a league that cares so little it will intentionally disenfranchise the fans, however small, of five separate teams in 17 years."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league tries to figure out a way to spin this whole situation as a positive.

Donnie Wahlberg Looks Into Purchasing NPSL Team

Boston, MA - After hearing of his brother Mark's interest in buying the Columbus Crew, actor and entrepreneur Donnie Wahlberg announced his interest in a National Premier Soccer League (NPSL) team.

From: https://goalnation.com/fc-frederick-joins-npsl/ 

"We can base it in the Boston area," stated Wahlberg to The Nutmeg News. "We are workshopping names, but it will either be called New Kicks On The Block or Wahlbangers FC."

Fans of the starved for soccer Boston area admit that it would be fantastic to have a local side for which to root.

"I'd love to have some local soccer," stated fan of the sport James Killkenny. "We don't have anything around here, for soccer, and I'm not about to go all the way out to Foxborough if Tom Brady isn't playing."

According to the NPSL, they have yet to hear anything concrete from Mr Wahlberg, but that didn't stop the owner of Wahlburgers from talking about this upcoming action with online publications.

"Yeah, it'll be great. We can have concessions provided by Wahlburgers and the music will be provided by old school jams from New Kids On The Block and The Funky Bunch. I've even heard that Dominic, a nephew of mine, played some online soccer so it'll give him a good chance at playing some outdoor sports."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as New Kicks On The Block takes on Good Vibrations FC in the US Open Cup.

Orlando City Fan Plans To Lash Out At Other Orlando Fans On Social Media Until This Team Situation Is Fixed

Orlando, FL - Orlando City fan Hugo Perez admitted that after the recent loss by City to D.C. United that he planned at lashing out at other Orlando City fans on social media until this whole team situation is resolved.

"One win in 15 games. FIFTEEN GAMES," stated Perez to The Nutmeg News. "And you know what, it's all that and we know that, but seriously the thing I freaking hate is that stupid flag that James made. Seriously, fuck that guy."

The fan referred to as James is actually James Ortega of Pine Hills who drives in to attend games with his girlfriend Sandra.

"If people have things to say they can say it to me or stop being a toxic crybaby" subtweeted Ortega online to his 250 Twitter followers."I'm just there to enjoy the game and not have to listen to a bunch of whining from people who don't do anything."

This sudden beef rallied fans onto both sides of the argument as the pulsating frenzy over Ortega v Perez began to outpace the anger the Orlando fans over the recent loss.

"Both of those guys are assholes," stated Orlando City fan Terrance Ruffins on the Facebook thread that spun out of control over the recent loss. "But not as much as those guys that aren't singing over in section 23. We are working our ass off and they are just doing nothing. If they wanted to stand and do nothing they should move over to 118."

The Nutmeg News spoke to some fans over in section 23 including longtime season ticket holder of 4 years Jefferson Anderson of Orlovista. "I've just about had it with the freaking losses, but I hate those guys over in section 24 who think their shit doesn't stink. It's one thing to lose every week, but it's another to have to deal with fans who make this whole thing a chore to even deal with."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans continue to fight each other instead of thinking about soccer.

2018/2019 Season Already Over For Reno Based Fulham Fan

Reno, NV - Local Fulham fan Patrick Chan admitted that the 2018 season was already over as his side wen't down 2-0 in the first game of the season.

"Yeah, that's pretty much it, " stated Mr. Chan to The Nutmeg News. "We had a good run of about 40 minutes before the season came to an end. It was a good run, but eventually the pressure was going to get to us."

According to himself, Mr. Chan didn't have high expectations for the season, but upon going down 2-0 to Crystal Palace,the realization kicked in that this would be the end of any possible title for which Fulham would challenge.

"I picked them randomly a few years ago," stated Chan. "I knew what I was getting myself into. When they made it back into the premier league I knew that as soon as the season kicked off that it would spell the end of our league challenge. It's fine, I suppose, as it is the reality of the league."

Despite his pessimism, Mr. Chan stated that he was hopeful for a successful season of, "avoiding a relegation battle and watching one win on the road. I'm hoping that it won't just be a campaign of pure misery."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Chan takes the positives from a sterling 40 minute title challenge.

Area Woman Remains Fan Of English Team Primarily So She Can Avoid Local Soccer Fans

Portland, OR - Portland soccer fan Isabella Theresa admitted that she remains a fan of English team Tottenham Hotspur primarily to avoid having to deal with local soccer fans in the Portland area.

"Oh sure, I say it is because the quality is better.... and it is.... but let's be honest... I like watching the games and not having to deal with the local people perpetually moaning about things," stated Ms. Theresa. 

Friends state that Ms. Theresa started following Tottenham over 10 years ago and stayed loyal regardless of the results.

"She definitely loves Spurs," stated good friend Linda Jones. "I tried to get her into the Timbers, but she said that she doesn't like all the drama that comes with the fans."

"There's nothing pleasant about the fans of your team moaning to you in person about all the things that have nothing to do with your team," stated Ms. Theresa to The Nutmeg News. "I just want to watch soccer and talk about soccer. Is that too much to ask?"

Reportedly, the abuse that Ms Theresa gets from fans on Twitter for not supporting her local team is just another nail in the coffin of her perpetual, unending support of Tottenham as she stated, "Look, I like what I like. What I don't like is having everyone tell me that I'm doing it wrong. Based upon what I see online with Timbers fans that's all that they ever do. I'm just going to stick with watching Spurs from abroad, taking trips over to London when I can and enjoying my irrational sports fandom as much as anyone else who ever found a team."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the 5 minutes that Ms. Theresa spends on Facebook looking at comments on a Timbers post convinces her of her decision.

"I Killed Chivas USA And By God I'll Do It Again," Rants Nelson "Hatchet" Rodriguez To Chicago Fire Fans

CHICAGO - An unhinged Nelson Rodriguez reportedly ranted, "I killed Chivas USA and by God I'll do it again," to a collected group of Chicago Fire fans who voiced their displeasure at the recent draconian sanctions levied by the front office.

"FANS ARE JUST COMMODITIES! WE CAN EXCHANGE THEM AT ANY TIME"

According to sources who were there, Rodriguez was asked about the recent sanctions and outright bans with season ticket revocations handed down to both individual Fire fans, Section 8 and Sector Latino when an irate Rodriguez launched into his now famous statement. 

Rodriguez reportedly ripped up a picture of the Harlem End and challenged Fire supporter Jay Delgado to a fist fight stating, "I AM THE LAW!"

Fans lobbied for over a month for this face to face time with Rodriguez in an attempt to have some kind of verbal communication with the front office of the Fire, but apparently they were blindsided by the pure rage of Rodriguez as he paced the room like a caged tiger.

"I DRINK THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES," stated Rodriguez as he attempted to arm wrestle supporter Heather Summers. "YOU ARE ALL ENEMIES OF THE STATE. YOU ARE THE FAKE NEWS. THE FIRE WILL FALL AS DID THEIR PREDECESSOR IN CHIVAS USA. I WILL THEN TAKE THE SHAPE OF GARBER THE DESTROYER AND MOVE UPON THE CREW BEFORE DESTROYING THE REVOLUTION OF NEW ENGLAND. YOU WILL ALL KNOW PAIN."

Mr. Rodriguez then ripped his shirt off, flipped a table over and left while jauntily whistling a tune.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Fire tweet about their J.D. Power ranking of #1 fan satisfaction for the Chicago area in 2016.

LAFC Fans Attempt To Hold Strong After Worst Defeat In Six Month History Of Team

LOS ANGELES - Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) fans attempted to band together and hold strong after the worst defeat in the six month history of the team as LAFC lost on penalty kicks in the semi-final of the US Open Cup to the Houston Dynamo.

"We ..... WE WILL REBUILD," stammered an emotional Jason Redding after he shut off the stream and sat in a darkened room by himself.  "I didn't know when it will happen, but I'll see a US Open Cup in my lifetime."

Long suffering fan Angela Gutierrez stated, "We will rise from the ashes of this great fall. We will all suffer together and live again."

While reactions were mostly sorrowful, some LAFC fans took their frustration out on the players who let them down as fan Paul Nguyen stated, "GODDAMMIT CIMAN," on Twitter.

Many LAFC fans, however, admitted that they would work their way through this as better days were on the horizon.

"We can make it through this. Shoulder to shoulder we will survive," stated 3252 supporters group member David Chao. "This may be the darkest day of this team, but we will find ourselves a better dawn."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the battle tested fans head for their first run in to the MLS playoffs.

Man Has, "A Lot Of Things Going On Right Now, But Keep Me In Mind The NEXT Time You Paint"

St Louis, MO - According to a hastily worded voicemail message left on supporter's group member Dontrell Williams phone, Robert Henry of St. Louis has, "a lot of things going on right now, but keep me in mind the NEXT time you paint."

"Yeah, bro, TREY busy, bro. I've got like a concert and a few things going on, yeah. TOTALLY packed weekend. Man, like... I only have Overwatch penciled in around 2:00 am."

Henry reportedly approached some people with the Louligans supporters group a few months ago about painting T.I.F.O and groused online about the lack of opportunity with regards to the opportunity to paint.

According to friend Paul Prince, "Bobby just wanted to get more involved."

However, when Williams contacted Henry with the opportunity to be involved in painting the next Louligans T.I.F.O, Henry was reportedly busy.

"This is like the 4th time I've reached out to him," stated Williams to The "Nutmeg News. "At this point, I'm just not going to reach out anymore. Every single time he is busy, or sick, or moving, or previously scheduled."

With Henry unavailable, Williams called St Louis supporter Carla Sanchez for the 26th time for her help as he stated, "If Carla didn't come in every time we would be screwed."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Carla Sanchez admits that the continual reliance on her skills is draining her ability to enjoy going to games anymore.

David Beckham To Purchase And Move Seattle MLS Franchise As Anticipation Builds For "Miami Sounder Machine"

Miami, FL - Letting the rhythm get him, international superstar and teacher-shagger David Beckham reportedly launched an audacious process to purchase and move the Seattle Major League Soccer franchise to Miami where he will call them Miami Sounder Machine.

STOCK MIAMI PHOTO - PLZ NOTICE PALM TREE

"It finally all made sense," stated a white linen clad Beckham as he took a deep breath from behind his desk covered in deep stacks of soccer paraphernalia. "We tried everything from Miami FC to Miami City FC to City FC, to FC FC to Atletico Miami to Miami United before we realized we needed a LOCAL connection. And what's more local than the ever young Gloria Estefan. This way we honor our past in Seattle, our future in Miami and our ever-present branding that is changed just enough so we don't have to pay a royalty."

Beckham reportedly trademarked, "Miami Sounder Machine," this week as he prepared for the 2020 season somewhere within 200 miles of South Beach.

"Our supporters group is called the Steel Drum Ultras. It's amazing, they just play steel drums the entire time," stated Beckham to our reporter. "They will stand next to the Cuban Ultras who will have their own smoking section. It's going to be amazing. Legalize Cigar Pyro!"

We spoke to head capo of the Steel Drum Ultras, Thurman Purdo, who stated, "we already have a song worked out for our team.  I've printed out the lyrics but they are as follows,

'Come on, shake your body baby,
Do the conga
I know you can't control yourself any longer
Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger ,'

We just repeat this 100 times over the next 15 minutes.

Yeah, It's gonna be epic. We already have 10 steel drums lined up."

Furious Seattle fans were reportedly blindsided by the news as they immediately re-used their Clay Bennett material for Adrian Hanauer and David Beckham.

"This is absolute horse shit," stated Emerald City Supporter member Terry Wirral. "Now I know what Columbus is going through. This is 100% Joe Roth and Brian Schmetzer's fault somehow. FIRE SCHMETZERS. But seriously, Roth has to go, maybe. Or whoever it is. Screw them."

The Nutmeg News reached out to Mr. Roth but he was reportedly spending the day asking whether he can make cocaine jokes now that the team is based in Miami.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a ebullient Roth screams "I AM GOLDEN GOD!" before he smashes a car through the foyer of Drew Carrey's house to tell him about the move.

"No Bad Ideas" Motto Is Shelved After T.I.F.O Crew Hears A Number Of Really Bad Ideas

Minneapolis, MN - The Minnesota United T.I.F.O crew "1867 Ultras" reportedly shelved their original design motto of "No Bad Ideas" after receiving a number of really bad ideas for their upcoming painting projects.

Like this but EEEEEEVIL. You know what I mean,.... like laser eyes, a mustache or something.

"We started this crew with the idea of really making a difference in the stands and being welcoming to everyone and their ideas," stated 1867 Ultras member James "Woof" Peterson. "However, talk about your all-time backfires. It turns out that people really don't know good design or banner ideas from a hole in the ground filled with bad cheese and moldy bananas."

After a recent pitch session, Woof and his friends Carl "Ace" Anderson, Samuel "Bronco" Rodriguez, and Matt Williamson discussed not taking any idea from anyone, anymore.

"Good god, some of the shit we got," stated Anderson to our reporter. "I really wanted to believe that people, if inspired, would come up with some great banner ideas. Instead I've just steadily lost faith in humanity and I don't believe we really ever need to listen to another half baked idea about Groot and Rocket ever again. Someone suggested a dark cloud. No message, but just a dark cloud. Look, we get it.... you want a giant black blob that we hold up. Sounds epic."

According to people who attended the pitch session, a number of ideas were thrown around including one bold statement that was given as the following stammering disjointed message, "how about a walleye.... like an angry walleye... like an EVIL angry walleye, you know. Like a fish that will just as soon kill you as look at you. Or you know maybe like a mosquito, but you know... a big one....like, um... sucking the blood out of our opponents ON a walleye. A mosquito Walleye combo, with like the mosquito wearing chaps and the chaps have like the United logo on it.."

Despite the terrible ideas, Peterson remains convinced in a democratic method as he stated, "The problem isn't the people, it's that their ideas are dumb. We just need better ideas and if that means that we stop listening to the people who give them and just come up with our own ideas, then so be it. I don't know what you call that, but it is still democracy as far as I'm concerned, we just aren't listening to the people anymore."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Peterson sits and nods through an exquisite conversation regarding an Oasis banner, but done in the style of fairground caricatures. 

Player Ensures That Twitter Profile Is Vague Enough To Allow Him To Play For Any Team

Tulsa, OK - United Soccer League (USL) player Ramon Sanchez admitted that he keeps his twitter profile and picture vague enough to allow him to play for any team in North America after online confrontations with upset fans from previous teams.

Learn from the best, kids.

"It used to be that I updated my photo and my profile to fit my teams." said Sanchez in an exclusive Q&A with his nephews u-12 soccer team. "But now I realize that I need to have my twitter profile and picture be non-specific enough to ensure my employment with all the NPSL, MLS, USL, and CPL teams that I have a chance with signing."

Sanchez reportedly got in trouble six years ago with fans of the Rochester Rhinos by not switching his twitter profile fast enough as he had the wrong description and the wrong kind of kit in his photo, and he vowed after that to ensure that his picture was a simple headshot with a nondescript description such as "Child of God, professional wanderer". Sanchez admitted that he pays his publicist to ensure that his account only reposts the most banal quotes and statements before games.

"I've really stopped using twitter altogether and just use it to ensure that I send out my notifications for the new Nike boots, or I'll have my publicist send out information that makes it seem like I'm online." said Sanchez. "It's the only healthy way to live."

Fans with the Tulsa Roughnecks reportedly appreciate the complete lack of effort that Sanchez gives with his Twitter account as they stated, "He really seems to enjoy getting out and taking nondescript pictures of buildings and dogs. It's pretty impressive."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sanchez admits he hasn't logged into his Twitter account in over two years.

Legendary Soccer Zine Folds After Two Issue Run

NEW YORK - Legendary New York Red Bull zine Metro Time called a close to their lengthy run of two issues after editor-in-chief Todd "gamma" Raver announced the final issue dealing with The Man in the Stands would not be released.

Look, man, the fumes are only bad if you don't breathe through your scarf.

"We want to thank everyone in the community who supported us from day one," stated Raver to his 130 Twitter followers. "We had a good run, but it was time."

Metro Time was exclusively printed in the living room of Raver's walk-up apartment in Queens as the zine attempted to blend in elements of the New York hardcore scene, supporters group information, and the games that Red Bull New York played.

"We never sold out," stated journalist and all-around-drunk Arnie Gorena. "And by that I mean we never sold out of the number of copies that we printed at any one time."

According to friends of Raver and Gorena, hundreds of people managed to avoid eye contact on game day in an attempt to dodge a conversation about the zine as they pledged online their support for the project.

"Finally, an article for supporters written by supporters," stated Paul Isaac who reportedly skimmed the article that he was reading before he logged online to Instagram to favorite a picture of a cat in a top hat. 

Raver credited the longevity of the zine to, "not giving a fuck, bro," before he stated that he would possibly release a legacy collectors edition of the two previous editions of Metro Time in a leather-esque bound coffee table book just as soon as he finishes his 2 week learning annex course in book binding.

"I just want to thank all the fans, even the poseurs, that read my masterpiece," stated Raver to his Facebook page.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Raver and Gorena talk about starting up the zine again before deciding that would be a waste of time and playing FIFA instead.