Soccer Fan Who Always Takes Contrary Position Doesn't Agree With That Description

NEW YORK - Red Bulls fan Gary @MoreMetroThanYou Stewart reportedly stated that he disagreed with the assessment that he always takes a contrary position to whatever the current opinion is of the national fanbase of the MLS team as he lambasted the supporters of Red Bull New York for being, “sheep who never watch the game and spend the whole time cheering for themselves.”

I don’t care if it’s 1:30 in the morning, they must know that they are wrong!

“That couldn’t be farther from the truth,” stated Stewart to The Nutmeg News. “I’m not a contrarian, I just happen to boldly swim against the tides of all the fanboys that are out there who never have an independent thought for themselves and love all this faux-european supporters group bullshit.”

Sources say that Stewart likes to pop up on Twitter, Facebook and Metrofanatic with an excessive amount of disagreement for the opinions of anyone involved in the supporters groups of Red Bull New York, as well as casual fans who might have an opinion different from his as he perpetually makes statements about noobs, supporters group members and older fans being stuck in their small exclusive groups listening to the, “bootlickers in charge of the Empire Supporters Club.”

“I’ve long stated that I am too much of an asshole and too unfiltered to be involved at any high level in the supporters groups,” stated Stewart. “People don’t like it when you speak truth to them because it exposes their ignorance and biases. I’m not saying that I’m smarter than everyone else. I’m just smarter than most of the Red Bulls fans. If they were smart they would’ve stopped going to games when those Austrians stole our American history and American identity. Did you know that people actually think Jesse Marsch was any good? I have a number of personal feelings about this that show the truth of the matter was far different.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stewart uses Facebook to berate a Red Bull fan for, “being a total PC stooge,” for posting a comment about sexist language.

Gamer Blocks Off Whole Day To Complain About FIFA 2020

Charleston, SC - Gamer Brad Lewis reportedly blocked off his whole Saturday in order to complain about FIFA 2020 as he plays and complains about the game for roughly 24 hours.

“I don’t know why we need another FIFA game with bugged mechanics and problematic playing modes,” stated Lewis as he warmed up for his upcoming complaining session by paying $89.99 for the Ultimate Edition on his XBox-One. “I’m just going to end up disappointed,” he stated as he started the download and left for work.

Friends say that despite the complaints of Lewis, the passionate gamer and somewhat soccer fan has purchased every edition of FIFA that has come out since FIFA 2012.

“God, it already just sounds terrible, I can’t wait to spend all day playing the game and ripping it to shreds before I continue playing it on Sunday,” stated Lewis to good friend Dave “XXXb0ng$n1c3n1ceXXX” Borassa. “I heard the whole thing is a complete shit show. I already bought 4 frozen pizzas and a case of Truly for tomorrow and I told everyone to not expect me to log into Discord until I was ready to endlessly complain about the game mechanisms, so roughly 12:01 AM.”

According to his own memory, Lewis spent the entirety of the past year playing and complaining about FIFA 2019 as he created career mode after career mode despite what appears to be his continual hatred for the game series.

“I put so many hours into the game that I can’t even count,” stated Lewis. “I fully played out the career of multiple created players, was general manager of Leeds United, took Atlanta United to MLS cup 5 years in a row on easy mode and complained the entire time. It was really awful and I can’t wait to spend the next 365 days doing the same thing.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Lewis preemptively schedules some tweets for tomorrow to indicate his disgust with the game while he waits for it to download on his console.

"I Could've Made That Shot," States Shirtless Fan In Supporters Group

San Jose, CA - A shirtless fan in the supporters section of the San Jose Earthquakes was heard stating, “I could’ve made that shot,” after Earthquakes player Carlos Fiero had a shot on goal saved by Andre Blake in the first half of the Earthquakes recent home loss to the Philadelphia Union.

“You call that a pass?! SWITCH… SWIIIIIIIIIITCH…. GODDAMMIT, PUT ME IN!”

Fans state that the shirtless man was heard yelling, “I’ve got my boots in my bag, put me on the field, coach,” as he carefully detailed, for anyone to hear, his three year career as an athlete at Chico State University. “I can run at least as fast as Guram Kashia.”

“I don’t know what his deal was but he was super amped,” stated Earthquakes fan Phil Hastings. “He kept talking about how WE needed to switch the ball, that WE needed a goal and how a goal against us would hurt us right here. I get the passion, but look…. dude… until you are on the field you can cut out that we/us shit.”

Sources indicate that the fan was later spotted attempting a pitch invasion as the anger boiled over in the stands and on the field at the end of the game.

“Yeah, I don’t think he is going to be seen back in the stands any time soon,” stated Earthquakes fan Donna Eastwood. “You can’t just go run on the field if you get pissed. I’m guessing he gets a season long ban for that.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more 36 year old high school standouts continue yelling at the field about tactics.

Seattle Sounders Supporter Celebrates Iron Front Decision By Telling Timbers Fan To Go Fuck Himself

Seattle, WA - Celebrating Sounders fan Gwen Williams celebrated the recent decision to rescind the Iron Front ban by finding a random Timbers fan on the street and telling him to go fuck himself.

“I’ve been holding this in SO LONG,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “As soon as the news came In I ran down to the street and just started looking around for any of that stupid green color. Oh god, the release…. Oh my god.”

Friends state that Williams posted messages of support on Facebook and Twitter for the process which involve tacitly supporting the organizations of the ISC, the Timbers Army, the Emerald City Supporters, Gorilla FC, and all the supporters groups around the United States and Canada that stood up against the ban.

“I found myself helping our Minnesota United fans that I had previously been calling plastic shills,” stated Williams. “I found myself talking an Atlanta fan through deescalating issues with his fellow fans. Things were turned upside down. I’m just happy that I can get back to hating every single other fan that isn’t a Sounders fan and some that are.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams decides to celebrate again by calling DMing insults to her Timbers supporting friend Victor Cardenas.

Progressive Rock Loving Red Bulls Fan Attempts to Teach Fellow Supporters 23-Minute, 7-Movement Chant

Harrison, NJ - Supporters indicate that Red Bulls fan and progressive rock lover Gabriel Anderson was in the South Ward before a recent match attempting to teach his newly written song to a group of Empire Supporters.

The “chant” opened with a rendition of Gustav Holst’s classical piece “Mars” before gradually descending into a sprawling, incomprehensible mess of time signatures, key changes, metaphysical lyrics about goal scoring and beer drinking, and at one point, a tubular bell solo over its exhausting 23-minute runtime. Certain that he was going to revolutionize supporter culture, his fellow fans instead could only stand in bewildered silence while he explained how to clap in 13/8 time. The closest the group came to realizing his vision was in the fifth of its seven movements, which built from repetitive whole notes played on a triangle into an atonal cacophony of windchimes.

It was not the first time Anderson had brought a new chant to the supporters. Previous efforts included Rush’s “Tom Sawyer” rewritten about defender Tim Parker, a musique concrète tape loop montage of other supporters groups, and four minutes and 33 seconds of silence that was mistaken for an Iron Front protest.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson was last seen at a Football Factory trying to rewrite "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway" as a match-long concept chant, but had only gotten as far as changing "Rael" to "Red Bulls".

On Field Troll Of NYCFC By FC Dallas Confuses English Speaking Soccer Fans

Dallas, TX - An attempted on field troll of New York City FC by FC Dallas confused English speaking soccer fans as they took to the internet claiming that the franchise made a mistake.

“It appears that our troll of NYCFC caught out a few of our less than bilingual fans,” stated FC Dallas public relations manager Susan Collins. “We used a quote from the Spanish Language Red Bull advertisements from the arch rival of NYCFC to get under their skin.”

The FC Dallas worker responsible for the on field campaign said it never occurred to him that people would think people were misspelling the name of the home team.

“I thought EVERYONE knew about Te Da Alas. It translates to It gives you wings. Get with the TIMES, people,” stated Henderson to our reporter.

Supporters across the league called in to state they believed this to be a false flag to cover up an honest, on the field mistake by FC Dallas, however researchers state that this is just compensation.

“We like to fill in the blanks that our brain cannot handle,” stated Professor Walter Higgins of the MIT department of Onfield Flag Displays In Major League Soccer. “However, as Occam’s razor indicates, entities should not be multiplied without necessity. And what makes more sense… that FC Dallas, a supposed professional member of a soccer league, intentionally misspelled the name of the city they represent or that this was part of a larger advertising campaign to troll NYCFC while vertically integrating a new profit sphere in their on field promotions tranche.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Te Da Alas!

Phoenix Rising Fan Tired Of All The Losses

Phoenix, AZ - Phoenix Rising fan Oscar Martinez stated that he was tired of all the losses after the recent 2-1 loss to Fresno FC at Chukchansi Park in California.

“IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR JUST ONE WIN?!”

“This is just the kind of stuff I’ve been talking about,” ranted Martinez to friends at their watch party. “This team just doesn’t know how to win, it’s all bullshit. We are definitely going to lose the rest of the year.”

Martinez reportedly fell into a spiral of overinflating the chances of Rising to make an impact on the post season and dismissing their chances entirely as he dealt with his inability to lose gracefully in a public manner while spouting off in his living room.

“Oh it one rng to win at home but HOW IS OUR RCORD N THE ROAD, EH #SchantzOUT” typed Martinez angrily into his Twitter account as he decided to lash out, drunk spelling be damned. “Winng streaks end and this is what I’ve bee talking about ALL SEASON LONG,” ranted Martinez as he sat in silence on his couch and ignored the people he invited over to his apartment.

“Dude, I think he is pissed off,” stated Rising fan Hashem Akosh. “Hey man, it’s ok…. it’s just one loss.”

However, these gentle entreaties did nothing to stem the rising bile in Martinez fingertips as they lashed one more insult out on the web before he retired to the parking lot outside to calm down.

“I just don’t see how we will ever win again,” stat Martinez to our reporter. “It’s just not possible. The winning streak was a lie, unless we start winning again.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Martinez leaves a sniping comment on Rising’s Instagram page about the loss.

Fan Wishes Cult Player Was Actually A Little Bit Better At Soccer

Des Moines, IA - Soccer fan David Williams stated that he wished that cult player Jason “fizzy” Fitzgerald was actually better at soccer as he painted another two-pole with the players face.

“Everyone loves fizzy,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “He gets it…. you know? He totally understands the town and he understands us. I just… look I hate saying this, but I just wish he was actually better at the game of soccer.”

Fitzgerald has been a fan favorite for Williams and his fellow supporters for the past three seasons as he plays with heart and isn’t afraid to take a stance on issues important to the fans.

“My friends saw him out at Costco and he hung out and talked to them for 30 minutes,” stated Williams. “And he really went out of his way to help out the Gutierrez family when their house was nearly burned to the ground. Everyone loves him. Look, people took a picture of him when he marched in Pride and he wasn’t even there for promotion, just because he felt strongly about supporting the community. He showed up for every game wearing a supporters group scarf this year that he autographs and auctions off to raise money for local schools. The guy is a freaking legend, I just wish he was actually a little bit better at the game of soccer.”

According to reports, Fitzgerald played infrequently this season as his tendency to switch off defensively in the midfield made him a liability. However, during the playoff run last season, he was instrumental in the defense.

“He isn’t the greatest on the field, but I honestly don’t care…. for the most part,” stated supporter Laura Ardo. “He’s a great guy, and an absolute legend… he just has a tendency to kinda… not pay attention some times, but he’s still a legend. Did you hear the story about how he grew out his hair in order to donate it to locks of love and then live streamed the haircut to raise money for a women’s shelter? God, I love him although I do wish he kept his head in the game.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the fans prepare a T.I.F.O display for Fitzgerald despite the protest of fan Jerry Smith who left a Facebook comment saying that he was tired of, “Fitzgerald’s constant virtue signaling when he should be working on completing passes and winning games..”

Andrew Hauptman Runs Chicago Fire Soccer Club Into Ground And Finally Leaves

CHICAGO - Voices of acclaim reached to the heavens as perennial leach and know-nothing owner Andrew Hauptman finally sold his share of the franchise rights of the Chicago Fire to someone else.

(Benjamin Ordaz/Hoy)

Andrew Hauptman leaves the Chicago Fire with a sterling resume of taking one of the best teams and fanbases in Major League Soccer and running them both into the ground.

During his 12 year reign as owner of the Chicago Fire, the team failed to win any competition and did not qualify for the Major League Soccer playoffs 7 of the 12 years. As well, the Fire did not qualify for the CONCACAF Champions League at any time.

The Fire finished dead last in the Eastern Conference three times and finished dead last in the league twice.

Prior to the takeover by Hauptman the Fire won MLS Cup once in 1998 and won the US Open Cup four times with the last time being the year before Hauptman assumed control of the team.

His presence will be mourned by virtually no Fire fan as the team repeatedly antagonized the fanbase of the Fire while producing very few moments of true excitement on the field. Going so far as to ban individual fans and supporters groups as well as encouraging the league to deny them supporters group privileges even during away games, Hauptman frequently antagonized the most passionate and only remaining fans that the Fire had left.

In 2013, with the team coming off two straight seasons towards the bottom of the east where they didn’t qualify for the playoffs, the Fire through their Communications Director posted, “The Editorial,” castigating their own fans. The Editorial was so bad that even now it’s been locked and made unavailable for the sake of posterity.

No one should miss Andrew Hauptman and the totality of soccer in Chicago is immediately better for him being gone.

The Nutmeg News will have no more on him, congratulations Chicago.

"I'm Really Not Obsessed," Claims Woman Who Has Over 412 Photos Of Christen Press On Her Phone

Wichita, KS - USWNT superfan Ashley Williams stated, “I’m really not obsessed,” after it was disclosed that she has over 412 photos of Christen Press on her phone.

“It’s not THAT bad,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “I just re-catalog all the pictures that she takes and has taken on a separate Christen Press stan account on Instagram and on Twitter.”

Researchers indicate that @PressStan4Lyfe has over 1000 followers as the account ritualistically tweets out recent pictures of Press often notated with captions that have to do with everyone’s day to day life like, “When The Gram Is Lit.”

“Within my group of very passionate soccer fans I don’t find it is that weird,” stated Williams. “Why my friend Carla runs @tobinstan4lyfe and she has over 300 pictures of Tobin on that account. My other friend Brooklyn runs the @morganstan4lyfe account and she reposts every photo of Alex Morgan with the caption of Qween. I also have friends who take out of context photos of the USWNT players at training and make it look like they are in a relationship with hinting messages as to the possibility of them dating. It’s hard work but someone has to do it.”

According to friends, Williams has stopped doing an activity to download a picture of Press and then re-upload it to her social media.

“I took her hiking once and when a new Press picture came in she took 5 minutes to make certain that she re-posted the shot and then went back to hiking,” said good friend Angela Hughes.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams attempts to get a photo with Press without showing the photo on her phone that she already photoshopped showing the two of them at the beach.

North Carolina Courage Unable To Convert Extra Point In 6-0 Win

Portland, OR - The North Carolina Courage were unable to convert the extra point, on Wednesday night, as their game against the Portland Thorns finished with a paltry 6-0 scoreline.

You just need the right kind of expert for these things.

“You call this football?” stated Courage fan Debrah Hagins. “This is the kind of stuff that is embarrassing. You have one job and that job is to kick a ball. How do you not get the extra point?!”

Fans were aghast that a game could finish 6-0 but according to Courage fan Stephanie Halman she has grown to expect these types of results this season.

“Remember that game against Orlando where we got a safety and a field goal and still won the game? It isn’t always pretty, but we just need to get it done and stop judging whether we can convert these extra point chances.”

Thorns fans in Portland were equally incensed at the scoreline as they faulted their own team for not being able to respond with a touchdown.

“We kept trying to run the ball and we just needed a touchdown. This is some kind of horse shit,” stated Thorns fan Brandi Stewart.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Courage work on kicking drills all week to resolve the problem.

Last Houston Dynamo Fan Who Still Cares About 2019 Argues With Himself About Disastrous Season

Houston, TX - Eddie Sanchez, the last Houston Dynamo fan who still cares about 2019, reportedly spent all of Tuesday arguing with himself online about the future of the Dynamo’s season as everyone else he previously would speak with about the team decided to check out on this season with six games to go.

It could be worse…. you could be Vancouver or Cincinnati.

“I don’t know what you are talking about,” stated Sanchez to himself online. “It’s clear that you haven’t watched the last two games. There were some positive things to take from the 5-1 loss to Dallas, and while I disagree with that hot take I made I agree with my ability to say those things about myself.”

According to fans of the Dynamo, most of them moved on to the start of the season for the Houston Texans, the end of a very good season for the Houston Astros, the possibility of hope for the Houston Rockets, the beginning of the English Premier League, and the continuation of the Liga MX season.

“I think Eddie is the only one left in the city who actually gives a shit about the 2019 Houston Dynamo,” stated ex season ticket holder Sandra Willis. “It’s commendable that he just continues to confront himself like there’s a fanbase still vested in a team that hasn’t won a game since July with an ownership group that seems to be running the team like a tax write-off.”

The Nutmeg News reached out to the Dynamo for comment however they declined to make a statement and instead sent us a number of pictures of James Harden in a Dynamo kit.

For his part, Mr. Sanchez stated that he gets why everyone has jumped off the bandwagon as the perpetually uninterested ownership group of the Dynamo sinks the team further and further into irrelevance.

“I get it, but I don’t agree with it,” stated Sanchez to our reporter. “If I have to carry that torch for the Dynamo by confronting myself about the fact that I disagree with the blog post I wrote about any playoff hope that could be possible in the last six games well then I will spend this time telling myself that I’m wrong.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sanchez protests himself being in the stands.

Major League Soccer Announces Ban On Pride Flags

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer announced that the LGBTQ pride flag would be banned across the entirety of the league as they stated that the flag is inherently political and divisive among the general fanbase of Major League Soccer.

Citing the use by, “extremists from ANTIFA, the Gay Liberation Front and rioters across North America,” Don Garber stated that the Pride flag could not possibly be used for any other purpose than division and political rhetoric.

“26% of the United States believes that Gay and Lesbian relationships between consenting adults should not be legal,” stated Commissioner Garber. “According to recent polling, 36 percent of the United States think that marriages between gay and lesbian couples should not be recognized. I think we need to understand that the constant use of the pride flag by fans that attend games at our venues is not being hospitable to a large number of Americans. We are talking about 117,720,000 people in the United States that we are turning away from soccer due to these flags. Honestly, that’s a lot of money.”

Shocked millennials stated they were surprised to find that Pride flags would be declared illegal and political as they stated that they didn’t find them political at all.

“How is pride political,” stated David Henderson (22) of Kansas City. “All we do for pride is go out and have fun and drink.”

For their part, however, Major League Soccer stated that they understood the difficulty that would come from removing the ubiquitous rainbow flags throughout the league.

“We call on our fans to abandon all their political ideals and just focus on sports,” stated Commissioner Garber. “We want to bring fans together and not isolate them. If we lose even one fan because of a trans flag or an LGBTQ banner then I consider that a very sad thing indeed.”.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when it happens.

United States Fans Ask For New, NEW, N.E.W. Manager To Coach Same Terrible Players

In part three of our continuing saga of, "US fans blame coaches or home field advantage rather than acknowledging that they just don't have world class soccer players because the whole system of soccer in the United States is a for profit entity that systematically excludes developing youth from most parts of society that aren't wealthy and compounds that problem by existing in a atmosphere of athletic run-fast development rather than any nuance or tactical know how," here is our copy-paste revision of our article from 2017 and our article from 2015.

After the disappointing loss to Mexico, fans of the United States Men's Team (because the United States Women won the 2015 and the 2019 World Cup) collectively lost their mind and screamed out for a new coach to help guide the same group of shit players with which all the coaches for the United States since nearly time immemorial have had to deal.

"We need a new coach who can somehow make our Damarcus Beasley and Omar Gonzalez players turn into Arjen Robben and Philipp Lahm," wrote @HowardFreak69USMNT on Twitter.

I find it reprehensible that Gyassi Zardes is included in this squad when we could have another forward for the United States that will miss simple shots and fire the ball 20 feet over the net. Altidore would give us that!" said JesusFreak2020 on Reddit.

"A new manager will allow us to play more like a combination of Chile, Germany and the 70's version of Brazil despite having defense and offense players on the United States roster that would not make it on Greece's 2004 Euro Cup winning roster." said Jeremy Lind on Facebook.

While the US Fans thrashed about online for the answer to an unanswerable question, they decided to blame the entirety of the mess on Gregg Berhalter, who they were ready to bestow a sainthood upon about 2 months ago.

"It's Klinsmann/Arena/Berhalter’s fault that we have such a terrible player pool" said MLS Soccer analyst Jeffry Thorgood. "He doesn't understand how to play the poor players that we have against teams that have world class talent playing in Europe's top competitions, or... you know... Honduras."

Professor of Symbology at Cornell of Miami, David Petreus, had the following to say, "I want my cake and I want to eat it. I want Berhalter out. I want the United States to play extremely entertaining soccer. I want our fringe players to level up like in an Role Playing Game so that they are much better at controlling the ball and playing in pressure situations. I want us to do this now and I want to win the World Cup in 2018. Don't tell me that Mexico is a better team, because that can't possibly be true, because we won some games against them in the last 10 years. IF they were the better team, wouldn't they be beating us now? Exactly."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the wailing and gnashing of teeth continue for a coaching position change that will fix nothing in the grand scheme of life until large scale changes are made behind the scenes.

"I've Been Working On Shaping My Shot," States Rec League Center Back Who Can't Complete A Simple Pass

Des Moines, IA - Dave Williams, center back for Des Moines Manchester United Rovers FC, stated, “I’ve been working on shaping my shot,” to good friend and center midfielder Oscar Carmona as the two arrived for their game in the Central Iowa Co-ed Soccer League.

According to teammates, Williams biggest issue is his lack of fitness and inability to pass the ball as they frequently have to anticipate where his passes will go.

“I’ve asked him to practice his passing by just finding a wall and doing passes to himself but I don’t think he cares,” stated forward Harry Jones.

According to Williams himself you can’t question his dedication to the team as he stayed after games to really work on the fundamentals.

“I’ve spent at least 30 to 40 minutes over the last week just trying to make my shot be less predictable,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “I noticed that I can almost do that technique where you cut your foot over the ball and it makes it swerve. It’s so cool. I almost scored against our keeper in the scrimmage we had recently using this.”

When asked whether he plans on practicing for the position he plays, Williams stated that he put in a fair bit of work recently on FIFA.

“I pay attention to defense. I don’t always let the computer auto play the defenders. However, I feel like it’ll be a bigger surprise when I can take the ball and blister one into the back of the net.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Des Moines Manchester United Rovers FC loses their next game 14 - 0.

Portland Timbers Announce Plan To Solve Self Inflicted Iron Front Debacle By Intentionally Angering Fans

Portland, OR - Portland Timbers, a partially owned subsidiary of Hank Paulson, announced their plan to solve the self inflicted Iron Front debacle by intentionally angering their own fans.

Merritt Paulson, seen here in thought, attempts to crack down on the fans of the team that the league indicates that he has control over.

“There’s no better way to reach an amicable resolution than intentionally angering the fans that pay to see our games,” stated Mike Golub, Portland Timbers President of Business. “The league told us to crack down and we are happy to play our part. Our fans can go fuck themselves with their provocative stances like being against racism and fascism. No one flies flags in our stadium without us telling them how and when.”

According to reports that were leaked to reporters by the front office of the Timbers, several fans are now banned for multiple games with a requirement to take an online class that costs $250 and write a letter of apology for flying the Iron Front flag.

“We really wanted to drive home that our fans are replaceable and worthless,” stated Golub to The Nutmeg News. “It’s important for them to understand that their opinions are meaningless and their support is meaningless. I don’t see their names on the advertising boards and that’s what we care about, not the fans of our team. I think we’ve become big enough that we can outgrow the Timbers Army.”

According to insider sources, Merritt Paulson personally oversaw the underpaid employees he used to ban fans from the stadium as he dictated the banning letter from the deck of his yacht anchored out in the Columbia.

“It is important for the fan to understand they are garbage,” stated Paulson to The Nutmeg News. “None of them have my money. None of them have my father’s money. They are all replaceable. I defy anyone to defy me. This isn’t about the iron front anymore, it’s about my team and these hopeless losers that decided to try to go against me. But I’ll show them…. I’ll show them all!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Merritt Paulson hatches a plan to try to turn all the Timbers fans against each other so they spend all their time fighting each other rather than actually fighting all the things he does.

"Put Your Flag Down," Screams Woman Who Intentionally Bought Supporters Section Tickets Because Of Flags

Seattle, WA - Sounders fan Elizabeth Montgomery reportedly yelled, “put your flag down, I’m trying to watch the game,” during the recent Sounders v LA Galaxy game in Seattle despite moving to the supporters section specifically because of the big flags and atmosphere that the supporters generate.

“I didn’t watch a game elsewhere and then buy a ticket over in this section just to stand here and not complain about the thing you were doing that got me to buy a ticket here in the first place!”

“I originally attended because my company had tickets,” stated Ms. Montgomery. “However, when I was at the game I was amazed by all the fans with their atmosphere and their singing and their flags. I had to see what that was like.”

According to co-workers that attended the game with Ms. Montgomery, she made the statement that she was going to sit with the supporters, something she’s done four home games in a row..

“Now that I’ve been here a while I think that I’m allowed to tell everyone around me to put down their flags,” stated Ms. Montgomery. “After all, I pay for this seat and I want to watch the game.”

When asked about the numerous statements that indicate her view may be blocked by flags and displays in the supporters section, Ms. Montgomery scoffed.

“They want to call themselves true fans if they aren’t watching the game? Hardly. Granted I’ve only been here for four weeks, but I can tell you that categorically waving big flags does nothing for your team. Only intently watching the game does this. Now that I’m here, they cant stop doing the thing that made me come here.”

According to Emerald City Supporter member Jim “Bigs” Richardson, Ms Montgomery screamed at him saying, “PUT DOWN YOUR FLAG! FLAG DOWN! FLAG…. DOWN.” during the last game for ten minutes as she completely focused all her energy on ensuring that she could see the game from the tickets she purchased specifically because of the atmosphere the supporters generated.

“I told her that this was general admission and she could move around so she could watch the game easier, but that made her more upset,” stated Richardson. “She kept ranting about how she wasn’t going to move because I was an inconsiderate asshole, and this has been her seat for half the season, and that she is going to speak to the stadium security about all of these disruptions in watching the game. I’m pretty certain that she intentionally spilled a beer on my gear I put on the seat behind me at the last game..”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as this happens in every single stadium in the United States and Canada.