Atheist Attends Church And Calls Mother After Pact With God Goes Horribly Wrong During Timbers Game

Portland, OR - Avowed Atheist  David Metrow found himself attending church on Friday morning after praying for Saad Abdul-Salaam to miss his penalty kick last night in the Timbers 7-6 MLS Playoffs victory over Sporting Kansas City.

"Fuck, am I a Unitarian now?"

Not only did Mr. Metrow promise to attend church but he also vowed to call his mother, something he had not done since the great Thanksgiving argument of 2006 where his mom, Debra, confessed that she was disappointed in his decision to major in Romanian Art Studies instead of business.

"Hi mom, I'm at church" said a sheepish Metrow who was convinced to make good on his promises that were widely unheard and completely without actual merit. "I guess I'm a Unitarian now. You can blame soccer."

Reportedly Mr Metrow's mother was disappointed in his attending a soccer game and called the vivid 30 minute description given by Mr Metrow, "an orgiastic carnal description of sinning against Jesus and God almighty as given by leftists and Bolivian anarchists bent on taking away jobs from good Americans who farm in Kansas." 

Mr Metrow has vowed that he will not call on the powers of Jesus or God again unless he really needs Darlington Nagbe to sink a goal in the 91st minute of the upcoming game against Vancouver.

"At least next time I'm going to try to make promises to Buddha." said Metrow.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Metrow attempts to square his own fanaticism for his soccer team with his core grounded atheism.
 

Blissful Toronto Native Unaware That His Soccer Team Is Fighting For His Honor In Montreal

TORONTO - Toronto native Paul Simone is reportedly unaware that his hometown soccer team is fighting for his honor in Montreal this evening.

I mean, this is from an Expos game like 20 years ago, but It probably still applies. You make them sick Mr Simone.

"Whats going on where now?" said Simone as someone asked him if he was watching the game tonight. "The Jays got knocked out of the playoffs, I don't care about watching the rest of the World Series."

Reportedly the rest of Mr Simone's friends are also unaware of this national issue of hometown pride being contested tonight in Montreal.

"Look, we are just in the horrible time between watching the Raptors fail and waiting for the Argonauts fall apart before the Leafs come in to break out heart." said a collection of three of Mr Simone's friends who just don't really care about soccer at all.

"I tried to tell him, we all hate Montreal, come hate Montreal with me tonight  but he just got confused and thought I was talking about Lacrosse" said soccer fan and friend Regis Lefevre. "I might be the only TFC fan that Paul has and the last time I tried to take him it was raining and we lost. Given that this happens a lot, I couldn't convince him to come back out again. It is just a tough sale."

The Nutmeg News will have more on TFC's status if they make it to the final and Mr Simone turns out to have been a really big fan all along.

Productivity Approaching Record Low, Even For Portland.

Portland, OR - Statisticians with the bureau of labor indicate that the amount of actual work being performed in Portland is trending towards a record low as Timbers fans await their playoff game against Kansas City on Thursday evening.

Hard to go into the office to advocate for bike safety, urban development and better city stewardship of roadways when my soccer team is in the playoffs.

The Nutmeg News spoke with US Labor Board representative, data counter, and part time burlesque performer Heather Grant about this issue, "We are seeing a record number of companies struggling to just stay functional as people are wistfully looking out the window, watching youtube videos of their favorite games and planning on trying to leave without anyone noticing them putting on their Timbers coat, facepaint and 26 scarves."

Richard Morgan, director of the Portland school of German phrasing and ecumenical discourse, stated, "I've been getting ready since this weekend and slowly spending most of the day in the bathroom texting friends about how excited I am. I've got a few different routines that I like to perform before I head to the stadium including blessing all of my bikes with holy water and then only eating at a food cart that represents the Timbers as well as my own dietary restrictions. It's difficult as a gluten free vegan that only drinks fair trade beverages to find more than 5 or 6 food carts in my pod that also have a partnership with the Timbers and serve meals that I can correlate with Kansas City, but I make due."

While this trickle down issue with productivity is worrisome for management, many workplaces report that they are seeing no difference between this and any other Thursday in Portland  "Someone brought in donuts from Heavenly, Voodoo, and Blue Star to finally have a blind taste test. So yeah, we are a bit excited." said Darren Kilpatrick from the Portland Inter Urban Running Association.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this productivity drain when we refill our typewriter with a new ink tape.

Bruce Arena States, "MLS Cup Doesn't Matter To Me"

CARSON, Calif.  -- The LA Galaxy are knocked out of MLS Cup, but that's of little concern to head coach Bruce Arena as he vociferously stated in his post game remarks.

Happier Days for Bruce back when he cared about MLS Cup.

The Galaxy have clinched a berth in the 2016 CONCACAF Champions League knock out stages and that is what the head coach cares about. Despite being close to winning a playoff game, the Galaxy do not control their own destiny in terms of the MLS Cup as they already left Seattle after losing 3-2.

However, that is of little concern to Arena who, after getting knocked out of the MLS Cup Playoffs, is focused on guiding the Galaxy to the CONCACAF Champions League title.

"That's not the focus of our team. The focus on our team is getting to the CONCACAF Champions League Title," Arena said. "That's our first objective. If we play well on the field and win games, all that stuff will take care of itself. I mean, who cares about the Supporters Shield or MLS Cup or the US Open Cup or any of the other trophies that we didn't win this year. It's all about the trophy that we still have a chance at winning. I call my philosophy 'moving the goal posts'. Unless we lose the goal posts. Then we never liked the goal posts in the first place."

But is it important for Arena's Galaxy to win MLS Cup? 

"It's certainly helpful. We've been in all sorts of positions. You can win as the six seed or you can win as the first seed," Arena said.  "Whatever that stuff means, you can figure it out yourself. I haven't found it to necessarily mean anything. Nothing about sports means anything anyway. I mean honestly, we are all slowly passing away in front of each other as rotting hunks of meat flesh. Everything is meaningless as we spin out of control on this icy death ball of a planet careening from one ice age to one global warming ebola pandemic as the earth crashes into a death spiral of rising ocean levels and dead honey bees. Honestly, It's a wonder any of you find time for soccer in the first place given that there are wars in Africa, genocide in the Middle East, and a never ending abuse of child labor that quenches our unending quest for chocolate even though our children's hands are being cut off to serve us.

But yeah, MLS  Cup. 

Go Galaxy." 

Zlatan Ibrahimovic Already Planning On Not Playing On Turf During His Theoretical MLS Move

PARIS - International superstar and man about town Zlatan Ibrahimovic has announced that he is already planning on not playing on turf if he does eventually make it over to Major League Soccer.

I'll do anything for the game, but I won't do that.

"I will follow the legacy of my counterparts Thierry Henry and Didier Drogba by not playing on turf" said the Swedish international. "This, of course, applies to a move that I haven't decided to make yet for a team that doesn't exist in a league that will do literally anything to get me. However, I can guarantee that Zlatan will not fly across the United States for hours in coach to play a game on a turf field. If Major League Soccer wants Zlatan then they will bow to all my demands. There will be no other option."

Reportedly, Don Garber has already agreed to all of Ibrahimovic's demands by stating, "Whatever you want, however you want it, just get here please. I'll drive you to and from the airport. I'll pay for your salary out of my own pocket, just come here."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this if it happens because by the time David Beckham's team in Miami exists, Zlatan will likely be 285 years old.

Revolution Fan Really Trying To Not Use Nguyen Puns This Playoff Season

Revere, MA - New England Revolution fan Patricia Helman has vowed to avoid making any obvious attempts at utilizing any Nguyen puns in conversations, banners, t-shirts or displays during the playoffs this season after the "Nguyen-ter is coming" tifo display from last years playoffs.

Nguyening!

"I really liked the display but between the tifo and the idea of 'I believe that we will Nguyen' that was repeated ad-nauseum but I'm just taking a personal vow to avoid Nguyen pun t-shirts, Nguyen pun banners and Nguyen based tweets in the next month," said Ms Helman to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday.

Major League Soccer never met an idea they couldn't beat into the ground.

"I'm really just focused now on beating DC United and trying to figure out how the Revs are going to Nguyen MLS Cup. Oh Damn, well there's money for the Nguyen Swear Jar."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms Helman forgets her vow and wears her "I'm a Nguyen-er" t-shirt for the playoff game tonight against DC United.

Journalist Prepares Hot Takes In Advance For MLS Playoffs

In preparation for the upcoming MLS playoff games, journalist Ben Fredrikson has reportedly collected all of his hot takes for usage during and after the games so as to ease his transition from reporting the facts to snarky quick-lash judgement about a team's success or downfall.

One touch hot takes.... TO YOUR FACE!

"It's important for me to have all my bases covered so I can get to bed at a decent time on Wednesday and Thursday night" said Fredrikson. "Likely we will all be able to write about the Sounders inability to win at home, or LA being terrible on the road but the earlier that I get these snap judgments formed, the better off I'm going to be."

While Mr Fredrikson admits that he has urgent deadlines that make it likely he will be writing his column while the game is ongoing, that didn't necessarily spur his need to create his pithy comments in advance.

"It wasn't the deadline as much as it is really difficult to be funny on twitter if I'm distracted with other things like my work. I didn't want to have to worry about writing about the inability of a team to score or what Robbie Keane is doing on the field, but rather have my well defined hot-takes available to post from notepad straight to twitter where they can be most effective."

When asked what he will do if the game doesn't fit his pre-set hot takes, Mr Fredrikson said, "Oh don't worry, I'll just critique the team that is struggling for something it did in the past. Gotta keep those deadlines."

Abby Wambach Announces Retirement Until 2019 And Then We Will See What Happens

WASHINGTON - Following a tour of the White House with some other women that were likely scared of being in the same room with her, Abby Wambach announced her retirement until the Women's World Cup in 2019. 

Every great footballer has some ego problems, see Solo, Hope.

"I feel like it is high time for me to take a hiatus until 2019 and then we will see what happens. I've put in a good word for Jill with Sunil and likely we will be all gangbusters at the next World Cup. Hopefully our dependence on humping the ball up the field won't have changed and I can trot out there for a good minute or two. or 90."

Wambach, the leader in international goals scored, reportedly wanted to take time out of her busy schedule of answering questions about the NWSL to focus on herself for four years before attempting to win another Women's World Cup title.

"Sometimes it is important to look out for the crest and yourself, and sometimes it is important to look out just for yourself. I figure if I take this time off I'll have a better chance of figuring out how scared the women of the World Cup will be of me in 4 years. It'll be like Rocky 5, or 4, or whichever one he was facing the most adversity. Anyway, training montage and you can forward my mail to Salt & Straw in Portland, thanks. WORLD CHAMPION OUT!"

The Nutmeg News will have more from Wambach when she un-retires and then retires again.

Seattle Fan Confirms, "Three Days Almost Isn't Enough Time To Generate The Proper Level Of Worry"

Seattle, WA - Seattle Sounders fan Betheny James told The Nutmeg News on Tuesday that three days between the game on Sunday and the playoff game on Wednesday against the LA Galaxy almost wasn't long enough to generate the correct amount of worry necessary to deal with such a big game.

IN THIS PHOTO: Sounders Fan realizes he didn't adequately prepare his soul for this kind of game. He also forgot to turn off the lights in his car, maybe. I mean, maybe they turned off by themselves. But Jerry, you know they don't do that. C'mon man, we are talking a dead battery.

"Look, I should be terrified given prior results, but as of right now I'm just trying to get the paperwork finalized on these new hires here at work. I don't have enough time to meticulously pour over our past record against the Galaxy or nervously fret about Robbie Keane and Giovanni dos Santos like I should."

Ms. James stated that typically she would have involved 10 or 11 of her twitter followers in a horrifying trip down memory lane where they commiserated about the Sounders eliminations by the Galaxy in 2014, 2012 and 2010. "I just don't have the time to worry about this in three days. I mean, give me a week or two or a poorly scheduled break of 4 weeks where everyone forgets the playoffs are going on and we have enough time to needlessly freak out about things we don't control twice or even three times in that span. Three days though, I'm a busy woman. I have shit to do."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms James attempts to mentally prepare to prepare to freak out in the hour she takes for her lunch break by eating a yogurt at her desk while she surfs reddit and imagines hiking the pacific crest trail.

Colorado Rapids Already Planning A Way To Trade Away Their Most Valuable Asset In 2016

Denver, CO - The Colorado Rapids front office has already admitted that they are working on a methodology to trade away their most valuable asset in 2016.

"I don't own a soccer team in Colorado, are you high?"

President Tim Hinchey stated on Monday "We are already looking at mechanisms to make our team worse during the off-season and continue the inept management and seemingly never ending entropy that we have had over the past few seasons."

Reportedly the Rapids are already trying to identify their most valuable asset and trade or remove this asset from the organization.

"We don't yet know if this will be the player rights to Carlos Vela, or if it will be Clint Irwin, or perhaps it we will lease out the stadium to a monster truck rally on every Thursday and Tuesday before games. One way or another we are dedicated to making sure that 2016 will be just as bad as 2015. They say that the definition of success is continuity at all levels and we are aiming as low as possible for that," stated Hinchey in an address to the fans on Monday.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Rapids trade any available assets left in the club for a bag of magic beans and the rights to an overpriced English striker currently playing in the third division of Scotland.

Alex Morgan Fan Realizes She Loved Orlando All Along

Topeka, KS - Alex Morgan super fan and former Thorns ultra, Kym Davidson, came to the stunning conclusion that she actually loved Orlando all along after Alex Morgan was traded there on Monday morning.

Ms. Davidson's favorite wallpaper for her cellphone.

"Portland never fit into my way of life anyway" said a jovial Ms. Davidson as she updated her twitter account to remove the words Portland Thorns Fan from her twitter description of -- Fan of the best player in the entire world, Alex Morgan, and super fan of the Orlando Pride. --

"Portland was OK, but just like Alex, I need to move on in order to be at a better place in my life. And like, was I going to visit there? NO. I don't like rain and gross people. I'd only go there just for Morgs. And they hate all the national team people there. Plus my friend told me they hated her there anyway. HATED HER -- H.A.T.E.D. her. And how can you hate Morgs? You can't. Her hair is just bouncy and her eyebrows are perfect and I just want to take her face...off... but like in a nice way, but like totally take her face off and wear it as my face, but like I said... in a totally nice way. And I'd give it back, when she needed it. But that way I'd see through her eyes and be her, but not like in a stalker way, just like a totally not creepy way, but yeah I'd like her face.... on my face.

I'm selling all my thorns gear on ebay so that I can buy a Pride Morgan jersey, immediately, so I can at least wear the same type of fabric that is on Alex's perfect shoulders."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Ms. Davidson as she updates her Morgan tattoo to include the Women's World Cup.

Sweet Release Of Offseason Allows Man To Focus On Himself And His Family Again

CHICAGO - The sweet release of the off-season has allowed Chicago Fire fan Paul Newton to focus on himself and his family again after an 8 month season of pure acrimony and desperation

I'm Free? I'M FREE! What will I do with my weekends now?!

Mr Newton reportedly started his off-season by taking his daughter to the park and attempting to have a look at those gutters on the house, finally.

"It's a new day and I'm a new man, now. I'm better for having gone through the 'difficulties' but I don't know if I'm coming back." said Mr Newton to reporters on Monday morning.

"Sports is supposed to be a release from your life, but I'm having a difficult time with sports being the difficult part IN my life. I mean, when my life is good and my team is a dumpster fire, shouldn't I be turning to my life to make me feel better about what is supposed to be my passion? I just don't know anymore. Either way, I won't have to think about it for a few months before the season ticket reps try to bang down my door getting me locked back in for another season."

While Mr Newton didn't attend the last game against Red Bull New York, he did have 90 minutes plus 30 minutes before and after the game to complain and gripe, taken out of his day every week. He also had any number of times where he realized that the reason he was short with his wife Darla was because of his abject disgust for the way the season went.

"There's only so many times that I can say I'm sorry, so we are heading out to Williams Sonoma after this to pick up the Christmas catalog and I'm taking her out for fondue next weekend. Nobody should put themselves through what we had to go through this season, but at least her reward should be vats of cheese."

The Nutmeg News will have more as the crushing realization of the start of the season begins to weigh on Mr. Newton's life. 

Area Man Decides, "I Like The Idea Behind Decision Day, I Just Hate The Name"

NEW YORK - Williamsburg man Grant Stevenson admitted that he has changed his mind about decision day after the events of Sunday and stated, "I like the idea behind decision day, I just hate the name"

Like what's the decision, man, are they committing to Ohio State?

The Nutmeg News caught up with Mr Stevenson after he left Rough Trade NYC after trying to find a vintage copy of Ronnie James Dio's Sacred Heart album.

"Like I was watching and I enjoyed, but I still don't get why the name is decision day. Like, does it NEED a name? I mean everything is so forced and branded these days, they could just leave it up to the gods, or something. Eventually someone would come up with a better idea than a name that makes it sound like these teams are trying to play NCAA basketball."

Mr Stevenson reportedly had no issues with the results of decision day but admitted "Yeah, I gave it a lot of stick to my friends about how stupid the whole thing was, but it was fun. I just wish that the whole name thing didn't sound like it was created by a table of people who pitched ideas for an hour and a half and then had 145 email conversations about what the name should be before releasing a brand pitch and an all points memo telling all the teams and all the social media people in the league even teams that weren't going to the playoffs that they need to tag everything with the name decision day. But that's just me, I'm an old timey, come up with your name after trying the philosophy out for a couple years kinda person."

When asked what team he rooted for, Mr Stevenson said, "Chivas USA, but don't hold that against me."

Favorite Part Of The Year For Journalist Arrives: The Receiving Of The Gifts For His MLS MVP Vote

"The bribes are here, the bribes are here" said reporter Jefferson Donaldson as a pizza from the representatives of Giovinco and Toronto FC arrived at his office with the pepperoni in the shape of a number 10. "This is the BEST.... BEST part of the entire season... well, except if you are a reporter that hung out with NWSL stars at the All-Star Game this season."

Wouldn't MVP have made more sense?

Part of the annual tradition of buttering up voting journalists on the MLS MVP front, many teams take to elaborate examples to show what their player means to them while appealing to the carnal or youthful side of the reporter.

Meanwhile reporters were sent a pack from Columbus with a detailed information on Kei Kamara's achievements, a USB key and an OYO sports figurine

BONAZA

Reporters say that this part of the year is like Christmas for having to suffer through boring press conferences, terrible buffets, and the ignominy of having to be paid to write about sports. 

"It's only fair that we should receive these items." said Mr Donaldson  "We deserve them, and trust me when I tell you that the junior members of staff that don't get these are insanely jealous. I keep telling them, 'just keep plugging away and hope that MLS gets bigger so that there are more reporters that teams need to butter up'. It is simple math, you see. None of this changes the fact that I'm voting for Giovinco, but damn if that pizza isn't tasty."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when NYCFC sends blood diamond encrusted rolex watches to advocate for Grabavoy for 2016 MVP.

Soccer Fans The Country Over Ask, "What The Hell Is A Swope?"

Soccer fans not located in Kansas City were stunned on Thursday as Sporting Kansas City announced a USL name that was not "B" or "II" bucking recent trends.

Or, SPR to your Friends.

"What in the hell is a Swope?" said Brian Lefevre of Dayton, Ohio. "I get the Park and the Rangers thing is kinda derivative, but I don't have enough time to google and time is of the essence."

The Nutmeg News sourced the absoultely 100% factually correct Urban Dictionary for the definition of Swope and received the following explanation.

This explanation is written by someone who is a totally on-fleek swope.

With the definition of Swope in full flight, fans have taken to the internet to voice their love.

"THEY DID IT, THEY ACTUALLY DID IT" said David Morrow of Kansas City, MO.

"I still don't know what Swope is, but I think the logo looks like the other rangers." said Trent Matthewson of Ann Arbor, MI.

The Nutmeg News reached out to the new administrators of THE SPR and received the following communication. 

"Swope Park is where the Rangers play. It's not really THAT difficult you guys."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we figure out what Swope is and where someone can get Swope on a Thursday night in Twickinham. Hey, friend, you got some swope? How much?

MK Dons Announce Friendly With USL Side Bethlehem Steel FC

Lehigh Valley, PA - Following in the footsteps of the recently announced FC United of Manchester game against Detroit City FC, English side Milton Keynes Dons F.C. have announced that they will play a friendly against future reborn zombie side Bethlehem Steel FC in 2016. 

Future Philadelphia Union stars of yesteryear.

Chairman of MK Dons, Pete Winkelman, had the following to say about the match, "We feel like this is a great match-up between two clubs that have tried to usurp the history of a team that existed in a different area a long time before the current team actually existed. MK Dons versus Bethlehem Steel FC will the simultaneously the oldest and the newest international competition ever fought. With Wimbledon Old Centrals founded in 1889 and Bethlehem Steel founded in 1907 this will be a competition between the two of the oldest clubs in England and North America as well as two of the newest with MK Don's founded in 2004 and this USL side in 2015 or 2016 depending on when you actually count."

The transition ownership of the Philadelphia Union had the following to say, "Oh... right... that whole thing. Yeah, we will get to the whole Steel/USL/Lehigh Valley thing when we get a chance. We are still waiting to find out if we are going to be able to re-sign Conor Casey to a 10 year deal. But yeah, come on out to... um.... the Lehigh Valley to see our competition against MK Dons or Wimbledon or whoever we are picking up to play this friendly thing."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Bethlehem Steel come into existence and fans make banners talking about how they are five time USOC champions.

Red Bull Arena Seals Deal For Naming Rights

NEW YORK - Red Bull Corporate has announced, on Wednesday, a tentative deal with the New Jersey tourism industry to rename Red Bull Arena to Visit New Jersey Arena.

Artist Rendition:

Phil, how much are we paying this guy again? $1500? Are you kidding me? He should pay us to make graphics this bad. Seriously? Fire this guy. I don't CARE that he is your nieces boyfriend. Well, I understand that. No, that isn't a good enough excuse. Just fire him.

"We feel that it behooves us to bring in more sponsorship dollars to allow Red Bull New York to spend more money on players and coaches going forward" said General Manager of Red Bull New York (RBNY) Marc de Grandpre. "The New Jersey tourism industry reached out to us with the idea of renaming the arena with something that would be beneficial to the local area as well as an organization that is deeply rooted in the New York/New Jersey metroplex."

The Chief Financial Officer of Red Bull New York, Luis Miguel Garcia, stated, "we think our fans are going to love Visit New Jersey Arena. It remains the crown jewel of stadiums across North America that have been built within the past 20 years as a soccer specific stadium and the sponsorship deal for Visit New Jersey Arena will allow us to build a sparkling financial future for Red Bull New York going forward."

The Nutmeg News spoke with Vic Rosen, the director of the New Jersey tourism industry, who had the following to say, "Harrison is a bustling hub of new business connections and places to meet and drink! We want everyone to know to visit New Jersey, the state of your dreams and with this sponsorship we will be able to remind everyone of that, every single game."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.

Man Determined To Paint Tiny Segment Of T.I.F.O No One Will Ever See, Correctly

Columbus, OH - Crew fan Deandre Hanson reportedly was insisting upon taking his time painting a very tiny portion of T.l.F.O that no one will ever actually notice during a recent T.I.F.Osweat gathering for the Columbus Crew.

Why can't they paint within the lines?! Am I the only person here who gives a shit about the integrity of the trace?!

"It is important to accurately and carefully paint this 6 inch by 6 inch item of text correctly" said Hanson "We have to get the details right! Down to the very nitty gritty and the lines. Look at all these lack of straight lines in this banner. It is like a bunch of Jackson Pollock wannabes with motor neuron issues attempted to paint these lines... and the trace, don't get me started on the trace!"

According to those that attended the painting session, Mr Hanson was upset due to someone spilling a beer on the corner of the fabric that had to then be painted over.

"I give my time and effort for this junior high shit!" said an irate Hanson. "All you have to do is look at the important work that I do to get a feel of why it is important to stay within the lines, work slow and paint in a responsible fashion. C'mon!"

Noted here, Mr Hanson's contribution to another Columbus Crew fan display.

Organizers say that while they appreciate Mr Hanson's work, they just wish he would work faster than painting 6 inches of lettering in 3 hours. 

"I honestly think he would be faster if he stopped bringing a magnifying glass headset and his water color art brushes" said Morgan Hughes. "We appreciate his contribution, but it helps everyone if you can work well and work quickly."

Reportedly Mr Hanson refuses to change his technique stating. "I show up for my city by painting this tiny area of text correctly"

The Nutmeg News will have more information on this as Mr Hanson is tasked to paint the edge on all the circles in the new Crew logo in order to utilize his technique to its full potential.

Beef Erupts Between Sunil Gulati and Jurgen Klinsmann Over The Legacy Of KRS-One

NEW YORK - Beef, reportedly, erupted between the president of US Soccer and head coach of the United States Men's team over the legacy of New York rapper KRS-One on Wednesday.

"Not only is Wu-Tang not for the children, but no one should remember KRS-One"

According to reports, Gualti's opinion differed with Klinsmann on the legacy of KRS-One and the feeling of the place of rap in social movements.

"Not only is Wu-Tang not for the children, but no one should remember KRS-One" said Gulati while throwing Anne Murray cassettes at Klinsmann's face. "The rap game should stick to showing their love of whips and ice. It's about being a showman, about displaying your propensity for ladies and the ability to hook up. Rap is not a vehicle for social change."

One of these people posed nude in playgirl, another got a lifetime ban by FIFA, another is the US Soccer President, another is a billionaire businessman who created his own $150 million dollar super-pac, and the other is the president of MasterCard.

Jurgen Klinsmann was aghast at this opinion and reportedly yelled back at Gulati, "Life is free-form poetry at every level. KRS-One was one of the premier rappers calling for social justice even before his comments about 9-11. He also was one of the first, if not the very first, artist to win a rap battle where the target was the other MC on stage. He destroyed MC Shan and his assertion that Queensbridge was the monument of hip hop. I don't even know what to think about your bullshit anymore". 

Sources say that Klinsmann was drug down the hall yelling "Social change can be started by social awareness, you highbrow Columbia punk" before relapsing into repeated guttural German swearwords.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Klinsmann and Gulati discuss the legacy of Grandmaster Melle Mel.

Progressive Orlando Pride Using Lactating Nipple As Logo

Orlando, FL - Unveiled this morning, the logo for the new NWSL side, Orlando Pride, is a victory for Progressive people everywhere as the Pride are utilizing a lactating nipple as their logo.

Milk, Milk, everywhere but only colostrum available at select stations throughout the park.

The general manager of Orlando Pride, Dan Mcown, had the following to say, "We wanted to reach out to a segment of our community that we felt were underrepresented in our community, the breast feeding woman. This is a victory for progressive women unashamed of their nipples and the lactation that happens from them. We felt that it was important to reach out to the nipples in our community and say, if you lactate... come and lactate with us. Join the Pride and lactate for your city. We all have nipples, we all feel the brunt upon our chest of a cold morning, and I think that as a man, I am completely in touch with the idea of what a woman has going on with her nips."

Orlando Pride reportedly considered a number of different options for their logo that would bring women out to the park including a graphic depiction of menses, a woman getting passed over for a promotion due to a misogynist boss, and a woman not getting paid at the same level as a male co-worker. The naming committee reportedly decided on a lactating nipple because the Orlando group said, "Everyone loves boobs, everyone loves nipples."

The Nutmeg News spoke to the graphic design firm of Yankee Plastic Hotel Amalgam Troupe that designed the logo and they spoke of the difficulty involved, "We had numerous conversations about the design of the areola and whether it should be whole or flesh colored or perhaps even more wrinkled, but in the end the decision was made to show a cracked aeriola as this can happen due to nursing. We also showed the areola and nipple in Orlando purple to show the diversity of nipples we hope will attend Pride games in 2015."

The Nutmeg News will have more as the Orlando Nipple Pride begin play in 2016.