Supporter In Local Grocery Store Narrowly Avoids Talking To Stranger He Recognizes From Game

Bloomington, MN - Minnesota United supporter Gunnar Svenson stated that, as he shopped at the Cub Foods on Lyndale Ave, he narrowly avoided talking to a stranger that he recognized from recent Minnesota United games.

Photo: Rich Johnstone

“It was a bit of a dodge and weave,” stated Svenson to The Nutmeg News. “I saw him in the aisle buying pop and I was going to buy some myself so I quickly wheeled the shopping cart around and headed for quite literally anywhere else. This is essentially how I ended up bringing home 3 tubes of cinnamon rolls, bacon and fluid for my oil lamp.”

Svenson stated that he didn’t want to try to make small talk with someone with whom he has only exchanged glances.

“Oh sure, small talk, yeah, no… hell no. Look, we shared a high five once and we do that nod thing… right? So there’s no way I’m getting past him in an aisle. All we know about each other is that we attend the same sport and typically stand in the supporters section. Where do you even start? I’m not about to bring up the game, and if I don’t its just going to be the both of us staring at our feet trying to figure out when we can get out of a conversation.”

Friends state that Svenson typically doesn’t have a problem making friends, but that his introvert tendencies have problems when two of his interests collide.

“Oh sure, you bet… I like to keep it separate. I have my soccer life, my soccer friends and then I have that time where I’m buying anti-diarrhea medicine and clif bars. I’d rather not combine the two.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Svenson attempts to avoid eye contact with a woman he knows from games while riding the bus.

Jilted Vancouver Whitecaps Take Turns Reading Entries From Team Burn Book

VANCOUVER - Jilted Vancouver Whitecaps players reportedly took turns reading from a newly discovered team Burn Book during a hyperbolic and shameful press conference on October, 30th.

Reporter Juliet Lee brought up the locker room chemistry for the Whitecaps before she was interrupted by an apoplectic Kendall Waston who declared the team situation poisonous after discovering the anonymous book. The defender howled about the Whitecaps lockeroom being a powderkeg of unchecked emotions, teenage hormones and locker room cliques.

“Kei is SUCH a drama queen,” stated Kendall Waston as he furiously licked his index finger and turned the page while reading from the book that allegedly contains all the team secrets. “He sat at the cafeteria with Cristian when he was SUPPOSED to sit at the table with Jake. And his hair is terrible too. Nicolás never passes the ball either and everyone knows it.”

All the team secrets were subsequently revealed as Waston read hot takes on Russel Teibert, Felipe, and Brek Shea who was likened to a preening geoduck ready for market. Meanwhile, a sad Russel Teibert was taken off stage while calling for team unity by Nicolás Mezquida who claimed to have seen a tall shadow leaving the locker room before the book was discovered by Waston.

Whitecaps midfielder Effy Juarez decried the usage of a Burn Book calling it sophomoric and stating that if he had his way that the player who created it would be paraded in front of the entire Whitecaps front office at the next school assembly.

The Nutmeg News reached out to forward Kei Kamara who declared the team locker room to be exactly like Heathers and not Mean Girls because it’s the reference he is more comfortable understanding at 34 years old.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we quickly determine that no one in the front office of the Whitecaps will be held to blame for the toxicity of the locker room.

Orlando City Fan Carves Away Record On Pumpkin For Jack-O'-Lantern Contest

Orlando, FL - In an effort to win the Orlando City scary pumpkin carving contest, local fan Jasmine Gutierrez carved the Orlando City Soccer Club away record of 2 wins and 15 losses on her pumpkin as she prepared to win.

“This is the scariest thing I’ve ever seen,” stated Gutierrez to The Nutmeg News. “Playing 17 games on the road and losing 15 of them is absolutely terrifying.”

Insider sources with the team state that there is no possibility that Gutierrez’s pumpkin will win given the embarrassing record, however they stated, “Good god, we’d really just like to forget that, ok?”

For her part, Gutierrez is hopeful for 2019 as she stated, “I’m looking forward to only losing 14 games on the road next year. It’s going to be a tough goal, but it is realistic, at least.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Gutierrez gets a call from her season ticket representative about taking the MLS Fan Conduct classes in order to retain her season ticket rights.

Child Forced To Change Halloween Costume To "Portable MLS Playoff Game" Teletubby

Philadelphia, PA - With the upcoming Philadelphia Union playoff game scheduled at 7:00 pm on Halloween, Philadelphia Union fan Bill Hastings unequivocally stated that his 4 year old daughter Olivia would now be going as a“Portable MLS Playoff Game” Teletubby named “Doopy Doopy” as he threw away her Darth Vader costume for something that he quickly began assembling.

“You’ll be pulling this generator filled with gas that will power a 20 inch LCD monitor that I’ve configured to hang around your shoulders and waist,” stated Hastings. “I’ve sewn in a Raspberry Pi circuitboard into your costume that will allow me to stream from my phone to the television that is under your costume for as long as the generator will hold out. and I’m using Raspberry Pi W so I’ll use the wireless on my phone to cast the game.”

Reportedly, this quick change in costume did not sit well with 5 year old Olivia Hastings who stated, "Dad, I"m too old for teletubbies. I want to be Darth Vader."

However, Hastings insisted in the costume change as he told his child, “Look, it’s not my fault the league schedules the playoffs on Halloween. Daddy still wants to go trick or treating, but he just needs Doopy Doopy to walk backwards and pull this generator while we are out getting candy. It’s not that complicated and NO whining.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hastings tries to create a drone to airlift him beers at every house he visits.

The Business Casuals Schedule Punch Up With Happy Hour Lads For Rights To Perry Ellis

NEW YORK - Red Bull New York supporters group The Business Casuals reportedly scheduled a punch up with the Happy Hour Lads for the rights to wear Perry Ellis after a meetup at Ulysses Folk House ended up with a challenge given and accepted.

“We took those lads to the dry cleaners,” stated Casuals member Prescott Harold Rightson Jr. “They came in with their pressed chinos, their boat shoes, and their Macy’s discount knockoff Perry Ellis and we filed a cease and desist order on the spot. Only my gang runs in those colors. If you come correct at me, bruv, you better be sporting the periwinkle slim fit check shirt of The Business Casuals.”

People on the scene indicate that the two supporters groups of New York City FC met up for an informal meet and greet at Ulysses as it was decided to be neutral ground between Dorrian's (the home bar of The Business Casuals) and Mad Dog & Beans (the home bar of the Happy Hour Lads).

“They exchanged business cards, first, with several of the Happy Hour Lads admiring the raised and embossed lettering of The Business Casuals,” stated bartender Carlotta Franklin of JP Morgan. “It was then that the trouble happened.”

According to Ms. Franklin, Happy Hour Lads member Charles Banks Evans walked in wearing a checked Perry Ellis shirt with personalized cuff-links and a bow-tie which reportedly was an affront to the aesthetic sensibilities of The Business Casuals who immediately fired a witty rejoinder towards the genealogy of Mr. Evans as it relates to his possibly Irish blood.

“Things were tense, but I told the boys that if they wanted to fight, they would have to do it in a court of law or outside in the sick that the guys from Goldman Sachs desposited in the alleyway down the street.”

It was then that the challenge was given for a no bats, no guns, no monogramed flasks fight between The Business Casuals and the Happy Hour lads.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the two cannot agree to a time frame for the fight that actually works with their schedule and allows everyone to attend because Thomas has meetings at 8, 9, 11:30 and 4:00 on Mondays, the game is Sunday, everyone is expected to come in on Saturday, Randall is travelling to DC next week and there’s an all hands meeting on Tuesday followed by individual evaluations for the 3rd quarter.

Austin Bold Considering Move To Columbus

Austin, TX - Austin Bold, the new United Soccer League (USL) expansion team, indicated that while they remain bullish for their success in the Austin area that they are considering a move to Columbus, Ohio if they are unable to obtain a foothold in the community.

It’s better than Helvetica United

“We remain thoroughly invested in the Austin community,” stated Austin Bold press secretary Travis Wells. “However, we reserve the right to explore other communities that may be more receptive to our situation.”

Insiders say that the executives for Austin Bold are concerned that with the possibility of a Major League Soccer (MLS) franchise that they will have an issue pulling a crowd in a city that has been relatively lukewarm for local soccer teams in the past.

“They are absolutely terrified,” stated one anonymous insider. “At this point they are exploring playing in Mapfre Stadium if the Columbus Crew get another downtown stadium built. All options are on the table.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Austin Bold consider a re-brand to Tahoma Bold Faux Italic.

Atlanta United Fans Prepare For Biggest Club Transition Since Not Having A Team Two Years Ago

Atlanta, GA - Atlanta United fans were reportedly preparing for the biggest club transition since not having a team two years ago as rumors continued to swirl that head coach Tata Martino will be leaving the side at the end of the year.

“Oh god, it’s like …… um……………………. well……. ok, I guess I don’t really have any kind of historical nostalgia to fall back on,” stated Atlanta United fan Hector Gomez.

Fans of Atlanta United have been nervously awaiting this day since the team started playing well last year as it became obvious that if they kept it up that Tata Martino would be a wanted man.

“I was worried about this in January,” stated Atlanta United fan Shondra Evans. “We played so well last year, I just knew that if we played well this year he might go somewhere. And now that somewhere is somewhere else and that time is now and I guess I’m just going through my first broken heart with this team.”

Dissident fan Travis Brown stated that he was fine with Martino leaving because, “I’m just saying man, he hasn’t gotten it done in the playoffs. In the entire history of this team we’ve never ONCE made MLS Cup. This is some bullshit. It’s time for new blood. TATA OUT.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as rumors continue to inflame the passions of fans in the area.

Soccer Game Interrupts Vulnerability Remediation And Patching Summit

VANCOUVER - A soccer game between the Vancouver Whitecaps and Sporting Kansas City interrupted a vulnerability remediation and patching summit between sysads of three different Vancouver based companies on Wednesday night.

“Look, all I’m saying is that the fourth quarter patching cycle is limping along towards the year end compliance goals as it relates to… um… WHAT THE FUCK, NERWINSKI,” stated Sasha Milovacic.

“Yeah, um… I was fully in a Tomcat/Java patching hell and I’m never not going to be pa..er… um…. HEY BREK, THE END OF THE SEASON IS NEAR. THANKS,” stated Atsushi Yamamoto.

Milovacic, Yamamoto and good friend Carla Cordeiro spent most of the second half talking about their respective professions as they unburdened themselves to each other about the mundane hell of vulnerability remediation, patching, production environments and linux environments.

“I didn’t even have access to upgrade my RHEL6 servers to RHEL7 because the network policy won’t all….. HEY GODDAMMIT BOYS, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE,” stated Ms Cordeiro to no one in particular as the Whitecaps gave up another goal and she took another drink of the $9.25 beer that she nursed.

According to fans around the trio, they spent most of the second half talking because the game was a dumpster fire, they had season tickets and at this point they might as well drink, complain and endure.

“I’d be doing it to if I had someone to talk to about Oracle security upgrades,” stated administrator Frank Devon who admitted to not remembering what it was like to feel joy at games.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as all three of the sysads agree that at least they aren’t assigned a Perl application to support for the rest of their life.

Brave Hero Travels Internet Reminding People They Can't Really Enjoy Rooney's Goal Because It's MLS

INTERNET - Brave internet hero George “zerocool” Williams reportedly traveled the internet yesterday evening performing a heroic civic duty of reminding everyone that they shouldn’t enjoy the Wayne Rooney free kick goal because it was scored in Major League Soccer (MLS).

“Keeper shoulda had it,” stated Williams to 128 different Twitter accounts who gleefully tweeted out the gif of Rooney’s goal only to have their night ruined by Williams in one fell swoop. “The standard of goalkeeping in this league is so bad that it’s not really a surprise. How on earth you could enjoy this shit is beyond me. The standard is abysmal. It’s probably not even amateur level in Hampstead Heath.”

Williams kept to his guns despite extreme pressure from outside Twitter accounts who labeled him a troll as he boldly ensured that no one on the internet would enjoy this goal in peace.

“Terrible league and really it wasn’t that special,” stated Williams to @Red2706 a 12 year old boy in Baltimore who idolizes Wayne Rooney. “You should be watching good players in good leagues and not this trash stuff.”

Williams didn’t limit his efforts to Twitter as he also logged on to Facebook in order to ensure that everyone would understand that their reaction to this free kick goal should be restrained and muted disapproval of the goalkeeping, defense and overall league intensity.

“I don’t know how you could watch this and not understand that it would be saved by 99% of goalkeepers in the Premier League, La Liga, Serie A, and even the Eredivisie,” ranted Williams to a Facebook group to which he was just admitted. “The fact that you think this goal is special is just proof that you don’t watch enough soccer.”

For his part, Williams intends to continue his crusade until he ruins the enjoyment of every special moment that any fan of the beautiful game could possibly have.

“I have standards and while they may be high…. the very fact that you would ask me why I would do this shows that you just don’t understand the game at my level. Wayne’s goal was like the Star Wars prequels and the sequels and really Star Wars in general. Utter Trash.”

The Nutmeg News will have more no this as Williams breaks down why this goal was nothing special on his YouTube page, blog, Twitter account, Reddit account, Facebook account and shouting at strangers on street corners around the world.

Nations League Slammed By President Trump For, "Not Solving Problems"

WASHINGTON - The Nations League, a UEFA organized biennial soccer tournament, was slammed by President Donald Trump for, “Not solving problems,” as the President took to Twitter to blast the international sports tournament

“The Nations League has such great potential but right now it is just a club for people to get together, talk and have a good time,” stated President Trump from his Twitter account.

According to DC Insiders, President Trump saw the Nations Cup trending online and took a shot at the tournament as he confused it with the United Nations and the League of Nations.

“"When do you see the Nations League solving problems?” stated President Trump into a bathroom mirror. “They don’t. They cause problems. We should bomb them, and throw away the key. I’ll tell them and I’ll force them and they’ll love me for it.”

President Trump then took to Twitter to castigate the Nations League for not having the United States at the tournament as he stated, “Things will be different with the United States involved.”

President Trump also dismissed rumors that the United States missed the 2018 World Cup as, “Fake News,” stating that, “The United States didn’t miss the World Cup, the United States won the World Cup like we win everything and we will renegotiate the Nations League to get coal back and to put our farmers back to work in the fields.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Alexi Lalas praises President Trump for his leadership on this matter.

Audi Player Index In Shop Again After Suffering Transmission Problem

The Audi Player Index is reportedly in the shop again after suffering a transmission problem prior to the New England Revolution and Orlando City game on Sunday evening.

“We tried to start it up, and get it on the broadcast and it just won’t go,” stated Major League Soccer (MLS) statistician and branding expert Hubert Genoa. “I don’t know what happened, but over the years we’ve been having more and more issues with the Audi Player Index so we finally just had to get it hauled off to the shop, again.”

Mechanics with the European Metrics and Motorsport Shop indicate that the problem is an incorrect tabulation that suppresses the “goals functionality”. The part will cost $4500 to replace and will need to be flown in from Audi headquarters in Ingolstadt, Germany. The labor to install the part will require at least 8 hours of work.

“We won’t be able to do any tabulation or data shifting until we replace this mechanism,” stated data expert Ralph Sosa. “The numbers just won’t make any sense. We can’t even get this thing out of the garage at this point.”

Sources within Major League Soccer indicate that this might be the last straw for the Audi Player Index as the unreliability of the metric finally upset the wrong persons at the league.

“All I know is that they were kicking the API and shouting at it. No one likes to get out to their Audi and find it dead, but here we are. I told them they should’ve gotten a Volvo Player Index, but no one listens to me.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Major League Soccer replaces their Audi with a Volkswagen and realizes that the numbers are all manipulated.

Dave Sarachan Claims Squatters Rights On USMNT Position

East Hartford, CT - Speaking to a collected group of reporters before the United States game against Peru, current interim head coach Dave Sarachan invoked squatters rights and stated that he would not be leaving any time soon.

“This is adverse possession,” stated Sarachan to the press. “The doctrine of adverse possession discourages disuse of property. According to the doctrine, if property was abandoned, the squatter could gain control over the coaching position.”

Legal experts for the United States Soccer Federation claim that Sarachan may have a legal position here as the head coaching job was vacated by Bruce Arena with little notice.

“He’s been squatting in this position for 10 games and over a year,” stated USSF lawyer Sandi Hannover. “We didn’t realize that until today and now we don’t really have legal recourse to force him out.”

Insiders with the USSF indicate that this isn’t the worst thing that could happen because it does relieve the pressure of the ongoing and unending coaching search.

“It kinda fixes a problem that the USSF didn’t really want to resolve by any other methodology,” stated our anonymous source. “I think they will just roll with this until the team starts losing again and then fire him. It’s a wash, rinse, repeat moment for the federation and takes the pressure off the executives.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a bearded Sarachan moves into the USSF headquarters in Chicago with his acoustic guitar, his tabla and his Jack Johnson tabs.

Bad Behavior By Individual Casts Shadow Over Entirety Of Supporters Groups

Orlando, FL - The bad behavior by Atlanta United fan James Howard, at a bar in Epcot Center on Sunday, cast a shadow over the entirety of the supporters groups and the collected fanbase for Atlanta United as Howard and all Atlanta United fans were castigated for his drunken behavior online.

A-T-L!

A-T-L!

A-T-L!

“Sir, we are going to have to ask you to leave”

“Atlanta United fans will need to have a word with themselves,” stated twitter loudmouth @SecondThoughtOnSoccer. “This kind of behavior is exactly the thing that Major League Soccer will need to stamp out if it wants to make it as a global league.”

Howard was reportedly on vacation in Disney World when he became drunk and disorderly after having one too many beers in the German Biergarten of Epcot Center.

“He was wearing a soccer shirt!! He kept singing soccer songs,” stated one anonymous patron. “I KNEW those soccer hooligans would eventually turn to violence or song. I do not sing out loud. That is not accepted in OUR culture.”

Internet sleuths, reprobates and people with zero personal life were able to discern, from a video tweeted out about the incident, that Mr. Howard attended at least one Atlanta United game in the past two months as they reached out to his work, personal life and the collected supporters groups to disown Mr. Howard’s churlish behavior.

“Is THIS the kind of image we want for Major League Soccer?” asked @OCSCLifeTime to the Footie Mob Twitter account.

“This is exactly how we know that American fans only care about drinking and not about the intricacies of the global game,” stated @ProRelForMyBedroom.

Mr. Howard claimed that he just had one or two beers too many and was asked to leave, but reportedly received a notice from Major League Soccer that in order to attend another game he will be required to attend mandatory substance abuse counseling and see a therapist for the next 2 months.

“We will see about re-instating him for the 2019 season,” stated MLS Director of cracking down, Ray Whitworth. “If it was my choice, we would ban him and all hooligans like him for life.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as members of Footie Mob, Resurgence, Faction, and Terminus Legion try to figure out if any of their members even know this guy.

Rec League Roundup: Referee For Tonight's Game Has A Date In 90 Minutes

Landisville, PA - Referee Peter Smith reportedly told both Stefano’s Hot Links FC and Chipotle United that, “I have a date tonight so lets get this game going,” as he planned on ending the Rec League game by 8:15 pm regardless of what is happening on the field.

“I’ve got a date and we are going to the Olive Garden by the Park City Center so there’s no way I’m making it on time unless this game is over by 8:15,” stated Referee Smith. “If you want to play a full 90 tonight, you better get moving.”

Smith reportedly called over both team Captains to voice his displeasure at the last game when he had to leave in order to make it to his Chemistry class at Stevens College in Lancaster and was yelled at for awarding zero stoppage time minutes after an inadvertent slide tackle set off a 3 minutes pushing session during the second half.

“I don’t care if you guys bash against each other and fight for 90 minutes, we are getting out of here on time,” stated Smith. “I don’t care if the players are taken off on stretchers at this point. Consider this your only warning. This shit is thunderdome tonight. There will be no stoppage. There will be no cards. There will be an end to the game at 8:15 and then I’m going face down in some Chicken Parm and bottomless breadsticks.”

Despite being reported to the Penn Men’s Over-30 Adult Soccer League, Smith continues to referee as supposedly the management of the league just really doesn’t give a shit.

“Ok, so let’s have a clean game and get this thing moving,” stated Smith to both sides as he whistled for play to start with Chipotle United only fielding 6 players due to traffic.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Smith ends up as the referee for the playoff game between Stefano’s and Chipotle after they both file a complaint against him.

Prominent Journalist Not Actually "Rose City Til I Die"

CHICAGO - Prominent soccer journalist Brent Adams stated unequivocally that he is not actually “Rose City Til I Die” despite using the RCTID hashtag to disseminate Timbers team information over the weekend.

“I’m not and frankly I resent the implication that I am not impartial,” stated Adams to his 20,000 Twitter followers. “I just don’t understand why THAT has to be the hashtag.”

Adams also stated for the record that he is additionally not “Eternal Blue Forever Green, Vamos Orlando, City Til I Die, For The City, Forever Orange, Save The Crew, For Glory For City, Dallas Til I Die, No Other Club, Massive, or Real Salt Lake Til I Die.”

“Id love to pass my columns and information on the team to the general public without appearing to be partial,” stated Adams to The Nutmeg News. “However, these team hashtags make me just look like any other fan. I mean, honestly…. Doop? Join or Die? I’m just trying to let people know the injury status of a player or a transfer rumor. Now everyone thinks that I’m partial to their team every time I tweet out a story.”

The Nutmeg News spoke to Kansas City fan Henry Spooner who stated, “No, no one actually thinks that Brent Adams is a Sporting Kansas City fan. Unless that makes him mad, then yes… we ALL think he is a SKC fan.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Adams attempts to balance the need for clicks and eyeballs on his stories versus the disgust he feels tweeting things using team and supporter group hashtags.

Soccer Fans Excited To Hate The Columbus Crew Again

Soccer fans across the United States and Canada were reportedly excited to again hate the Columbus Crew as news that the Major League Soccer (MLS) franchise may stay in Columbus filtered out this Friday.

(AP Photo/Jay LaPrete)

“I actually made a Save The Crew banner for them,” stated DC United fan James Forrester. “I’m really excited to start disliking their fans and team again.”

Crew fans expressed thanks to the solidarity shown across the league while fans like Whitecaps supporter Tom Reynolds stated, “I’m so glad that I can tell them to go fuck themselves again.”

Supporters in Cincinnati were excited for the possibility of the Crew staying as FCC fan Stephanie Halmon stated, “I’m so incredibly happy for their fans that the team may stay because I really wanted to be able to tell those fans that I want their stadium to collapse and their city to burn to the ground when we play them next year. It’s a great time to be alive.”

With the news looking increasingly like the Crew are going to stay, people who designed T.I.F.O. in support of the people of Columbus are reportedly changing their design to reflect the new sentiment.

“At first I was going to put a D on the banner to make it SAVEDtheCrew,” stated T.I.F.O master for Sporting Kansas City Ryan Lewis. “However, now I’m just going to make a two stick that shows Crew Cat being eaten alive by ants. WE ARE BACK, BABY!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we kindly wait for the appropriate measure to return to joking about Columbus as an utter catastrophe due to the Browns ownership.

Jermain Defoe Requests Early Release From, "I Enjoyed It," Comment On Time In MLS

After an interview with ESPN FC where he stated that he enjoyed his time with Major League Soccer, current Bournemouth player Jermain Defoe requested an early release from said comment as he stated, "I didn't actually enjoy my time at all."

Defoe, who signed a four year contract with Toronto FC and then left after one year, admitted that he didn't know what he was saying and meant specifically that he enjoyed his time with the money they paid him.

"Yeah, the money... that's what I enjoyed. 8 hour flights in business class and playing in 105 degree heat in Dallas... um ... no... I did not enjoy that."

Defoe also indicated that his fall out with Toronto happened due to them expecting him to play his full contract and him really not wanting to do that at all.

"Yeah, I wanted the money they gave me but not to actually play," stated Dfeoe. "Did you know they expected me to play the full four years? Madness. I mean, four years is an eternity in this league. Do you know how many flights that is from Toronto to Houston? Too many."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Defoe also walks back his comment on possibly returning to MLS as he states, "not for all the money in the ... you know... I do like money, though and it WAS pretty easy to get out of a contract the last time."

Marta And 14 Other People Nominated For Inaugural Women's Ballon d'Or

PARIS - France Football announced that Marta and 14 other people who may or may not be soccer players were nominated for the inaugural women’s Ballon d’Or.

“We are excited to welcome Marta to the stage again,” stated Claude Perrier, director of France Football. “As the reigning FIFA Player Of The Year, Marta will be a great representative for the burgeoning women’s game that shows no signs of slowing down despite their inability to vote.”

Fans the world over state that if Marta wins another best player award this season they will likely roll their eyes once more amd sigh deeply into their coffee before firing off an angry tweet and getting back to work.

“Yeah, Um…. who the hell votes on this shit?” asked Chicago Red Stars fan Diana Evans. “If the winner isn’t Sam Kerr, then they can all just jump into the ocean.”

When asked about Ms Kerr’s chances France Football commentator Jaque Villaneu stated, “We believe in equality between our competitors and we support Mr. Sam Kerr’s candidacy. even if there is a controversy of his inclusion into this field.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Marta wins again.

Former Blogger Ready To Return To Writing About Soccer After Breakup

Lincoln, NE - Former soccer blogger Richard Smith indicated that he is ready to return to writing about soccer, again, after his breakup with Paula Hallsey was finalized leaving the once prolific writer with acres of time on his hands.

“Yeah, so I have absolutely nothing going on in my life, now…. I might as well start blogging again,” stated Smith to his cat Jaques.

According to friends, Smith’s relationship with Ms. Hallsey filled the hours he previously spent re-watching classic USMNT games whilst wearing a stained hoody and eating nachos with tender and peaceful dinners where the two would talk about their hopes and dreams.

“Yeah, it was great, but look at all this free time I have,” stated Smith as he dug into a king size bag of Skittles that he purchased for dinner and began watching the United States versus Ghana from 2014. “It was just too much work being happy all the time and I’ve just replaced all those feelings of love, acceptance, joy, and family with analysis of the tactics of Bora Milutinović.”

Friends state that Mr. Smith has been sitting at home eating cereal for lunch, watching soccer, and sitting on the couch for the past two weeks as he attempts to get the word out on Twitter that he is back in the game.

“Honestly, it’s really depressing,” stated good friend Dave Williams. “Paula was a great girl and now he’s just staying in like some kind of reclusive shut-in. He keeps claiming to have all these other friends, but I think he’s just trying to talk to people on Twitter. I invited him out for trivia the other day, but he said he was going to research podcast equipment online and write a column about the enduring legacy of Carlos Bocanegra. Honestly, the dude needs less time on his hands cause this is ridiculous.”

For his part, Mr Smith indicated that he is doing just fine as he only wept into his pillow twice last night at the never ending darkness that seemed to illuminate his poor choices in relationships.

“I’ve got it great,” stated the red-eyed man child wearing a Descendents t-shirt that he remembered fitting a lot better 10 years ago. “And I managed to get a really good shift working at Papa Murphys. It just leaves more time for me to write my masterpiece and get hired by The Athletic. I’m using my blog to apply for a press-pass to MLS Cup. Now I just need to figure out how to save enough money to get there.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Smith is showered with praise on Twitter for his return more than he showers at home.

New League With Promotion And Relegation Starts In United States As Lonely Man Creates New Save On Football Manager

Des Moines, IA - Pundits the world round were startled as a new soccer league with promotion and relegation began in the United States as local man Joel Richenbach started a brand new save on Football Manager.

“This is going to BREAK THE MOLD,” stated Adrian Healey, a soccer guy.

“I didn’t think it was possible, but I now see that it is possible,” stated Rob Stone, a guy who sometimes talks about soccer.

“It’s still not as good as the United States back in 1994,” stated Alexi Lalas as he reminisced about the golden age of the game back when people said his name without adding the word sucks at the end.

“We wish him all the luck in the world and hope he succeeds,” stated Don Garber as he reached out to MLS legal to start a lawsuit against the nascent league.

Rumors indicate that many owners and operators of teams are looking to start a team in Richenbach’s new league including neighbor Jeff Anderson, good friend Sam Gutierrez, and human slime mold Anthony Precourt.

“This seems like a good fit for my club in Austin,” stated Precourt to the Nutmeg News as he robbed a child on the street. “We didn’t have any support in MLS anyway.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Richenbach gets bored and deletes the save faster than the NISA folded.