USMNT Fans Debate Which Historical US Team Would Defeat The 2018 United States World Cup Squad

INTERNET - Fans of the United States Men’s National Team (USMNT) took to the Internet, today, to debate which of the historical US teams would defeat the 2018 US World Cup Squad as the argument raged.

“I think the 2002 team would’ve had the best shot,” stated a 44 year old man who actually remembers watching the team. “They could’ve defeated the 2018 US World Cup team.”

Other USMNT fans, however, debated that the 2018 team didn’t have the same technical ability as the 2006 team stating, “You can’t compare Landon Donovan to any of the 2018 World Cup US team. They simply aren’t in existence when you compare Donovan to them.”

Sources say that the argument spilled over from casual fans to pundits alike as they all took a stance on which historical team could’ve defeated the 2018 United States World Cup Team.

“I think the 1994 team could’ve wiped the floor with them,” stated one irrelevant man.

While others argued that you couldn’t even compare the 2018 team to the 2022 team as they stated, “the 2022 team definitely could’ve beaten the 2018 team. Absolutely true.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as our intrepid journalists chase down members of the 2018 United States World Cup official roster to ask them their thoughts.

"You Really Should Go Into Private Investigation," States Woman To Girlfriend During Hour 2 Of The Krashlyn Debrief

LOS ANGELES - During hour 2 of the debrief to her girlfriend Yasmine Hernandez of the current, ongoing and seemingly never ending Krashlyn Divorce Situation (KDS) that Women’s Soccer fan Laura Williams again was informed, “You really should go into private investigation.”

It was somewhere during the slide presentation that contained a curated list of all current and former teammates that was collated alongside comments on Ali Kriegers social media that was then also tied back to the decision tree of which player was siding with which Krieger or Harris that re-informed Hernandez that her girlfriend seems to have an unending talent for sniffing out online dirt.

“Seriously,” stated Hernandez to Williams. “I’m telling you there has to be a way to leverage this talent for good.”

Hernandez then pointed to William’s 26 part tweet storm from the morning of day 3 that detailed the exact timing and location of Harris over the last six months and what that means to the situation at hand as she stated, “I don’t know what all this is but holy shit. Wait. Did you do this when we started dating?”

For her part, Williams stated this was standard operating procedure for people in the WoSo sphere who love messy drama as much as she does as she stated, “I’m not happy with the situation, but I’m not about to sleep until I can detail… to the minute… what brought Sophia Bush and Ashlyn Harris together, when they got together, where exactly they were when it happened and what Ali Krieger knew if anything.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hernandez starts to fall asleep somewhere around hour 3 on day 5 of the deep dive presentation.

“Stan” Kroenke Installs Field Goal Posts At Dick’s Sporting Goods Park As Part Of Super Bowl Bid

COMMERCE CITY, CO – The future of Colorado Rapids’ home matches was thrown in disarray when it was revealed that a set of American football field goal posts had been permanently installed over the weekend at Dick’s Sporting Goods Park (Dick’s), which has served as the Rapids’ home pitch since 2007.

Kroenke Sports & Entertainment (KSE), which operates Dick’s and also owns the Rapids, is apparently putting together a proposal to host 2027’s Super Bowl LXI at Dick’s, and the installation of field goal posts is the first step in permanently configuring the facility for American football in the hope of impressing the National Football League (NFL) with its Super Bowl bid.

KSE’s apparent preference for American football venues came to international attention earlier in the week when it was revealed that KSE had built the Los Angeles area’s SoFi Stadium – the most expensive sports venue in the world – too narrowly to meet FIFA specifications to host the 2026 World Cup final, and was also unwilling to pay to reconfigure the stadium so that it could host that game – despite that final being anticipated to be the most-watched sporting event in world history.

When reached for comment, Enos “Stan” Kroenke – the American multi-billionaire who is founder and CEO of KSE – expressed incredulity that Dick’s had been built to be a “soccer-specific stadium,” and seemed to be unaware that he even owned any professional soccer teams, much less one that played at Dick’s. The only comment he was willing to make was that “we’ll get back to you on [questions relating to the Rapids and the future of their home field]” and that “Kroenke Sports & Entertainment is excited about the many plans we have for [American] football fans.”  

A KSE spokesperson later reached out to the Nutmeg News to confirm that “Dick’s is now a [an American] football stadium” and that the Rapids’ final home match for the 2023 season against Real Salt Lake was being moved to a “wonderful facility” at Wheat Ridge High School in Wheat Ridge, Colorado. As to where the Rapids would be playing in future seasons, the KSE spokesperson said that “several exciting venues” were being explored, with the top candidates being the home pitches of the United Soccer League’s Colorado Switchbacks in Colorado Springs or Northern Colorado Hailstorm in Windsor. The spokesperson did clarify that those options would require the Rapids to “reconfigure its future home schedule around [those teams’] road schedule.”

In light of Kroenke’s apparent unawareness that he was the owner of any soccer teams, The Nutmeg News did a follow-up communication with Kroenke to alert him to the fact that he was also the owner of Arsenal FC, a team in the English Premier League. Kroenke’s response to The Nutmeg News was to inquire where that team played, and if he owned their stadium. Upon being told that Arsenal was a London-based team playing at the 60,000 seat Emirates stadium, owned by KSE, Kroenke commented “I heard [NFL Commissioner Roger] Goodell wants to do a Super Bowl in London; maybe we can redo that stadium [for American football] too.”



USMNT Fans Find A Way To Criticize Michael Bradley One Last Time For Retiring

INTERNET - United States Men’s National Team (USMNT) fans took time out of their busy schedules photoshopping memes about Gregg Berhalter being a monster to find a way to criticize Michael Bradley one last time for retiring.

“It shows his lack of skill and ambition,” stated @USMNTPatriotBombTruth “He was never a big time player and who knows why all of these coaches kept picking him all these years.”

Sources say that the loudmouth part of the USMNT fandom that hates nearly every single player were thrilled to find a final reason to criticize Bradley as he headed for the exit on his career.

“Much like his play for the USMNT, he was disappointing in retirement,” stated one anonymous troll. “If we brought up Josh Gatt in 2010 and played him more often then he would be retiring from Juventus right now.”

For their part, reasonable fans of the team acknowledged his retirement by stating, “huh, wow,” as unhinged commentators decided to go back and relitigate the entirety of the 2011 Gold Cup as they exclaimed, “Finally we won’t have to watch Bradley and Jermaine Jones play in the midfield again.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as intrepid commentators decide to go after Bob Bradley for the sake of nostalgia.

"We've Heard The Fans Loud And Clear," States MLS As They Announce A 54 Game Season Where Every Team Makes The Playoffs

NEW YORK - Executives with Major League Soccer (MLS), today, announced, “We’ve heard the fans loud and clear,” as they rolled out a 54 game season where every team makes the playoffs for 2024.

“According to our survey of fans, what everyone wants to see during the 2024 season are more pointless midweek games during the summer and a season that seems to never end before the excitement of the playoffs comes in like a rushing wave attempting to stave off the season ending stagnation affecting everyone in the supporters group,” stated MLS Public Relations

Sources indicate that the league is bullish on this future for Major League Soccer as they state, “Now the supporters shield will REALLY mean something.”

Fans were apparently over the moon at the prospect of an unending season as they stated, “oh, goddammit,” in exclamation of the new plan.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS adds an additional 5 nationally televised rivalry games in the Rose Bowl between the Galaxy and LAFC in order to pad out the season.

Desperate For A Break From Reality, Area Soccer Fan Turns To MLS Power Rankings

Pittsburgh, PA - Desperate for a break from reality, soccer fan Audra Wallace turned to the MLS Power Rankings in an effort to escape the current world.

“Ahh, this is more like it,” stated Wallace as she looked through the rankings which transported her to a different world full of possibilities and beliefs coexisting as one.

“It’s a like a calm cool drip of water down my back as I crawl across the hot, dry landscape of awful news and a world gone mad,” stated Wallace to The Nutmeg News. “Reading the rankings makes me feel like I’m in an alternate world where Miami might be good, and LAFC never does anything wrong. It’s like my fan fiction where the Pittsburgh Riverhounds are in MLS, the leagues in the United States are vertical and all soccer fans have 51% ownership in their favorite team.”

Sources say that Wallace was inundated with all the awful news of the day over and over and over again as she logged into social media before deciding to cleanse her feed with a visit to the alternate world of the MLS Power Rankings.

“In this Power Rankings world I have one job that covers my expenses, groceries don’t cost me $250 per visit and my mom calls me on my Birthday out of love and not obligation,” stated Wallace. “Ahhh power rankings, in this world I am free.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Wallace writes an erotic fan fiction about the MLS Power Rankings, Sebastian Frei, and a mysterious, brooding bundle of tentacles named Gnorvis who wants to find human satisfaction in sport …. and beyond.

Soccer Fan Starts Podcast To Inform Friends Of His Posts They Are Missing On Bluesky, Threads, Twitter, Facebook, Mastodon, and Discord

INTERNET - Realizing that his online soccer friend group has now fractured across the internet to 20 different locations, Soccer fan Dave Randolph stated that he was buying a microphone and would be starting a podcast to inform his friends of his posts they are missing on Bluesky, Threads, Twitter, Facebook, Mastodon, and Discord.

“I’ve got some opinions on soccer and life but what good are opinions if I don’t know which friends have seen them because I can’t remember who is posting on which service anymore,” stated Randolph to The Nutmeg News. “With my new podcast I will be creating a central place for everyone to figure out what I’m up to and what my thoughts are on every subject from Soccer to Football.”

Sources indicate that friends of Randolph were nonplussed about the announcement as they swore that they would listen to the podcast when they find the time.

“It’s difficult for me to find time for podcasts, but I’ll give it a listen at some point. I have a road trip in like 4 months and if I remember at that time I’m just going to really focus in on your podcast unless literally any other band that I like releases any new music or there’s some lovely white noise that happens when I roll the window down a crack. Other than that I’m all in on podcasts, including possibly yours if I find the time,” stated friend Stephen Hill.

“I love podcasts, especially when I’m walking my dog, except my dog ran away, and now I can’t listen to any podcasts because they remind me of my dog,” stated friend Andrea Stewart.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Randolph lets everyone know they can join his patreon to support his podcast to support his online postings.

FIFA Announce 2042 World Cup To Be Hosted On Active Deep Water Gas Drilling Rigs Destroying The Cold Water Reef Off The Coast Of Mauritania

Zurich, SWITZERLAND - The Fédération internationale de football association (FIFA), today announced that they awarded the 2042 World Cup to a group of active gas drilling rigs permitted to drill for natural gas while simultaneously posing an immense threat to one of the oldest cold water reefs in the world and the local fisheries of Senegal and Mauritania.

“We have a mandate to bring the game wherever the highest bidder wants,” stated FIFA President Gianni Infantino. “This world cup will truly highlight the beautiful culture of British Petroleum and Kosmos Energy. Fans of the beautiful game will find that learning about the culture of BP will open their eyes to the wider culture of other Countries out there like Exxon/Mobil, Shell and Halliburton.”

Sources indicate that the bid was allegedly accepted when the check cleared as Infantino spoke to reporters claiming that there were no other applicants that fit the qualification to host like the joint venture of British Petroleum and Kosmos Energy.

“Fans will enjoy the BP oil and gas fan zone where they will have integrated football challenges and career advice from a group of BP recruiters. There will be giveaways of dead and bleached coral for everyone attending and all fans will receive a documentary titled, ‘dwindling fisheries are no fault of our own,’ to take home to their respective countries for distribution.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the 2046 World Cup is held in North Korea.

Chicago Fire Fans Demand A Financial Credit For Watching The OTHER 31 Games Of The Season

CHICAGO - Fans of the Major League Soccer (MLS) team Chicago Fire are reportedly demanding a financial credit for watching the OTHER 31 games the team played this season after the team indicated that all attendees would receive a credit for the Inter Miami game regardless of whether Messi plays or not.

“I had to sit through the rest of this shit show,” stated one Fire fan who preferred to remain anonymous. “And now that they are compensating us due to whether Messi plays or not, I think it’s high time they compensate us for the fact that the Fire haven’t shown up. I think it’s high time they compensate us for sitting through season upon season of just pure unending hopeless bullshit.”

Sources indicate that fans who previously had checked out during the FIRST six game winless streak of the season now found themselves fired up after the SECOND six game (then seven game) winless streak of the season.

“Holy shit, with everything they’ve done over the past few years, they should absolutely be paying me to stay a fan anymore,” stated Paul Reynolds, a Fire fan from 1999. “Honestly, I don’t even know why I give a shit anymore. Nelson Rodriguez killed every bit of passion I had left for the team. $250 isn’t even going to do a damn thing for me.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as despite a credit of $250 to their account, most long term Chicago Fire fans who already gave up their season tickets 10 years ago debate whether that’s enough for them to actually want to spend money on this team.

Surreptitious Austin FC Player Takes Down Motivational MLS Predictions Taped To Locker Room Wall

Austin, TX - An anonymous Austin FC player secretly took down the motivational MLS Website pre-season predictions taped to the wall of the team locker room as the team slipped further down the table this weekend.

“So as it turns out, the predictions were not especially motivating this year,” stated one anonymous Austin player. “I was really going to have a go at Charles Boehm for placing us 5th, but …. well… um…. as it turns out he may have had more belief in this team than we players did.”

Sources say that Austin players who believed they didn’t have enough respect from national pundits last season thought that perhaps they had too much respect this season.

“I think that we really need to take Kljestan and Ortiz to task here,” stated one Austin defender. “Clearly we weren’t going to be 1st in the West. They should take the blame for this team underperforming their rankings like when we blame them for underrating us when we exceed their rankings. It’s completely logical.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Austin are ranked in the middle of the conference for the 2024 season and the players claim those rankings as disrespectful bulletin board material… unless they lose again.