Thanksgiving Brings Fresh Chance For Timbers Fan To Hear About, "Crime Ridden, Burnt Down, Antifa Hell Hole"

Moscow, ID - Timbers fan Preston Smith admitted that visiting his family in Moscow for Thanksgiving allowed him to have a fresh chance to hear about the city in which he lives and works as being a, “crime ridden burnt down antifa hellhole.”

Sources say that Smith was sharing an album on his phone that showed his recent weekend hiking and visiting a downtown brewery with his cousin when he overheard the conversation start anew of the seemingly endless lawless anarchy.

“There is literally nothing I can do to convince them that the place that I work, live and drive every single day of my life isn’t smoking in ruins,” stated Smith to The Nutmeg News. “I showed them shots from my recent trip to the farmers market and my Aunt Janice asked if I, ‘was keeping safe,’ before she wiped a tear from her eyes.”

According to family insiders, Smith’s location is apparently being spoken of as, “the only sane place in Portland,” by his father after a recent visit left him confused by the lack of smoking ruins. However, this recent visit did nothing to dissuade the stories as Smith’s father continued to state, “you wouldn’t catch me dead there.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it continues to happen.

Whitecaps Ownership Promise A Return The Quality Of Previous Seasons After Sacking Sartini

VANCOUVER - Vancouver Whitecaps ownership promised a return the the quality of previous seasons after firing head coach Vanni Sartini on Monday.

“Vanni was great for us,” stated one employee put out in the line of fire by the ownership of the Whitecaps. “However, we feel that our results should be in line with our roster. Vanni gave the fans too much hope, and we need them to understand the depth and quality that we have out there cannot be relied upon.”

Sources say that the Whitecaps ownership was concerned when fans started believing they might advance in the playoffs and that the team might get investments in 2025.

“We cannot have fans thinking that 2025 will be better,” stated the Whitecaps FO. “This is not a charity, this is a business. We cannot just continue spending money to make things better, we must control our costs and our expectations. This end of Sartini signals an end of this squad, and now we are allowed to find some journeyman players from within MLS and a player from a league you’ve never heard of from a lower division league that will only get going once he has 12 games under his belt and will then become a cult fan favorite.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Whitecaps plan on decreasing costs in 2025 and 2026 and 2027 and 2028 and 2029 and 2030.

Donald Trump Appoints Anthony Precourt As National Soccer Business Executive

WASHINGTON - President Donald Trump announced the appointment of Anthony Precourt as the national soccer business executive as he filled out his cabinet appointments ahead of his upcoming term.

“Anthony is a fine business executive, and I expect him to surpass all the business metrics,” stated President Trump to The Nutmeg News.

Sources within the upcoming Republican government indicated that they expect Precourt to launch sweeping legislative change upon getting sworn into his position.

“Precourt indicated that his first and most important task will be to loosen all ties both political and social that prevent teams from being able to move cities,” stated one anonymous source. “He will also increase ticket prices, beer prices and add additional penalties against fans who bring negative banners to games.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Precourt lauds the upcoming administration as being, “an excellent opportunity to make money.”

Bruce Arena Announces New Book Titled "If I Did It" That Doesn't Really Define What The IT In The Title Actually Is

San Jose, CA - New Earthquakes head coach Bruce Arena announced the release of a new book that he wrote during his VOLUNTARY sabbatical from coaching titled, “If I Did It,” that doesn’t really define what the IT in the title of the book actually is.

“The book is more of a look at what it would be like if I actually did whatever IT is that had me remov…er… resigned….er… mutually departed my last position,” stated Arena to The Nutmeg News.

An early look at the book has Arena defending a theoretical self against a multitude of charges without defining exactly what IT is that he did.

“In this book I explore everything that I COULD have done, without actually talking about what it is that I did,” stated Arena. “It shows that even if I did whatever IT is, that IT isn’t that big of a deal because no one really knows what IT is.”

The Nutmeg News will have less on this as Arena refuses to answer any additional questions.

Soccer Conspiracy Theorist Successfully Transitions Into Global Conspiracy Theorist

INTERNET - Soccer conspiracy theorist Gary Phillips succerssfully transitioned into a global conspiracy theorist as he ranted on Twitter to the collection of bots, low key nazis, blatant white supremacists, content thieves and Elon parasites who make up his followers about the cabal of the global elite who are infiltrating the global political perspective, as well as Major League Soccer (MLS).

“You can clearly see the line’s drawn from MLS involvement in Soccer United Marketing to the globalist agenda set at the Demo-RAT party,” stated Philips from his Twitter account @443forever. “The talking heads won’t show this as they are all just a part of the same wheel suppressing the game from growing and people from taking free speech democracy to NPSL sides in Florida. WE ARE TALKING BRADENTON, PEOPLE”

Sane people who have reportedly left Twitter for literally anywhere else that isn’t infested with hate speech dickheads state that Phillips has attempted to branch out to those locations leading to a mass blocking.

“He is still ranting about how a lack or rondos shows the insular nature of the US Soccer Federation perpetuating the agendas handed down from the Communist wing of MLS thought pundits,” stated one person. “And that is before I blocked him from replying to my comments about treating people with love with red pill memes.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the feedback echo chamber convinces Phillips that he is absolutely right.

Philadelphia Union Owner Announces Plan To Be Dead Last In Spending

Philadelphia, PA - Philadelphia Union owner Jay Sugarman announced a bold plan, today, for the Major League Soccer (MLS) side to be dead last in spending in 2025 and beyond.

“We were the 26th team in the league out of 29 in terms of spending and we finished in 23rd place,” stated Sugarman to The Nutmeg News. “Next season I demand that we are in 29th place. Only then will we be competitive.”

According to inside sources, the spending on the team and their insistence on using unproven assets to balance out their roster was one of the core reasons with the dismissal of Union coach Jim Curtin. However, for his part Sugarman doesn’t seem bothered.

“We gave Jim a lot of assets,” stated Sugarman. “But in order for us to see success we are going to need to sell a lot more players. See the Union do things a bit different. We are a bit avant-garde. The Union see success as success off the field. Success to our organization is the continual selling of structured assets to diversified holding companies overseas that will allow us to balance the expenditures of the 29th most funded team in a 29 team league.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sugarman decries the fans as, “having no vision about the prestige of being in last place but having a record youth transfer to the Real Madrid academy.”

Major League Soccer Announces "Last Chance Bracket" That Starts With Inter Miami Getting A Bye To The Next Round Of Playoffs

Major League Soccer (MLS) today announced a “Last Chance Bracket” for teams that were recently knocked out of the MLS Cup playoffs. The format will allow teams to have a chance at still playing for MLS Cup after suffering a defeat in the playoffs.

“This new program will encourage teams to really go for it,” stated Commissioner Don Garber. “We want to see the best of our teams and we feel that the best way to do this is to ensure that teams like Inter Miami aren’t eliminated just because they were eliminated on the field. They should have a second chance at playing in the playoffs.”

Sources say that the league may have panicked after Miami lost in the first rounds, but others seem to indicate that MLS has been contemplating this solution to Miami’s porous defense since Lionel Messi went out with a lengthy injury earlier this season.

“We hope that giving another week to Miami will allow them to be healthy and rested going into the Last Chance Bracket,” stated Garber to The Nutmeg News. “We are excited about the Last Chance Bracket and the chances it will bring to our flagship teams.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Miami gets eliminated and MLS announces a triple elimination format.