Half Of All US Soccer Accounts Online Found To Be Rocco Commisso

NEW YORK - During the recent NASL antitrust lawsuit against Major League Soccer (MLS), it was revealed that roughly half of all United States soccer accounts online were found to be NASL Chairman and New York Cosmos owner Rocco Commisso.

“It’s Commisso all the way down,” stated one insider to the situation. “Commisso is Ted Westervelt, Commisso is Global Soccer Fan, Commisso is Virgil Kane, Commisso is even World Soccer Talk. Everything is Commisso.”

Sources say that Commisso had 4600 phones on him at all times for his posting as he was strapped into a posting chair and fed a diet of conspiracy theories, mountain dew and replays of the State Of The League speech from Don Garber from 2013.

“Commisso was EVERYONE,” stated our source. “Even the opposite side. Alexi Lalas? Commisso. Don Garber? COMMISSO. Sunil Gulati? DEFINITELY Commisso. YOU ARE COMMISSO.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as legal investigates if we are also Rocco Commisso.

American Outlaws To Hold Hearings On Influence Of Communist Atheists And DEI Advocates Within The USMNT Fanbase

NEBRASKA - In advance of the 2026 World Cup, the American Outlaws (the United States Men’s Supporters Group) announced that they would be holding hearings on the influence of Communist Atheists and DEI advocates within the USMNT fanbase.

“We cannot be a Red White And Blue menace unless we purge the Red Menace within,” stated Outlaws secretary Andrew Williams McCarthy. “As President Trump has indicated…. today we are engaged in a final, all-out battle between communistic atheism and Christianity. The modern champions of communism have selected this as the time. And, ladies and gentlemen, the chips are down—they are truly down."

Sources indicate that the incoming Trump Government warned the American Outlaws that their ticket allocation would be restricted if they did not purge any current Communists, Socialists and DEI advocates from their ranks.

“This is being way overblown,” stated one insider. “Realistically the Trump Administration just wants us to stop being political. We are here to support the United States, not the United States of Diversity Equity and Inclusion.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the hearings start.

FIFA Reassures Worried Fans That They Won't Be Able To Afford World Cup Tickets Either

ZURICH - On the back of strident complaints about the cost of the FIFA Club World Cup, executives with FIFA took time out of the their day to reassure fans that they won’t be able to afford World Cup tickets either.

“No, realistically you won’t be able to go to games,” stated the FIFA director of ticketing. “It is important for us to get this news out there now so that everyone isn’t shocked when the ticket prices are insanely expensive to purchase up front and on the resale market. It’s just going to be expensive and you should deal with that now.”

Sources say that travelling fans and fans from the United States are encouraged to, “be wealthy,” and, “not be poor,” if they want to attend multiple games during the 2026 World Cup.

“This is not a sport for poor people,” stated one FIFA insider. “We are in the United States. Most fans here are already dead inside to extreme ticket pricing after the Club World Cup, Messi games, international friendlies, NFL game prices and Taylor Swift concerts. We may actually just ask for fans to bring in gold in order to purchase a down payment.”

FIFA, however, did indicate that they would offer some limited tickets for those with personal incomes of less than $150,000 per year.

“Those interested in the poor man ticket will have to fight all other applicants to the death,” stated one FIFA insider. “It isn’t fair, but so is life and think about how enjoyable that game will be after you pick out the gore from under your fingertips.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Mr. Beast decides to film a version of the FIFA Fight to the Death for his youtube channel.

Men In Blazers Announce "Added Time Radio" Podcast For Major League Soccer

NEW YORK - Men In Blazers, the irreverent podcast network, today announced that with their new 15 million dollar financial investment that they would be starting a new Major League Soccer podcast called “Added Time Radio” to be hosted by David Brass, a random English man from Croydon who just recently googled “what clubs are in the MLS”.

“We want to approach in depth MLS league coverage from the perspective of a random person who just found the league and doesn’t know anything about it,” stated one Men in Blazers representative. “It’s important for us to capture idea of someone who knows nothing about the league but who is equally ready to talk confidently about it regardless.”

Sources say that with the premature death of Extra Time Radio that the fill in of Added Time Radio is a blatant attempt to fill the void, but Men In Blazers r disagree.

“Our podcast will have Men In Blazers. Often, their podcast had men in shirts. Also, our podcast will have a young man from Devonshire named Andrew Leevy and another man from Stoke named Matt Foyle. It’s a completely different podcast.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Added Time Radio is forced to cut short a Simon Korge segment after a number of un-towards comments about the qualities of the league referees.

Former Soccer Player Andrew Carleton Requests Pardon For Arriving Late To Insurrection

INTERNET - Former soccer player Andrew Carleton reportedly requested a pardon for arriving late to the January 6th insurrection as the former Atlanta United youth player claimed, “I TRIED to get there, eventually.”

Sources say that Carleton was concerned that arriving late to the insurrection where seven people lost their lives would reflect poorly on him as he pivots his soccer career to right-wing talking head and promotional appearance fee collector.

“How will anyone hear me rant about the dangers of stupid liberal communist Americans in soccer at CPAC if they think I dodged the peaceful gathering that happened in Washington DC,” stated Carleton allegedly.

Sources with the Trump administration reportedly stated, “Who?” when asked about the situation.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Carleton’s new agent attempts to get him booked on a guest reporter with Ben Shapiro.

President Trump Demands Club América Be Renamed Club Mexico

WASHINGTON - After announcing that the Gulf of Mexico would be renamed the Gulf of America, President Trump stated that Club América would be renamed Club Mexico.

“Not AMERICAN, this club,” Tweeted President Trump to the gathered press. “BIG liars. They lie. This is a Mexican club. Americans won’t pay for Mexican clubs to be American clubs anymore.”

Sources say that President Trump demanded the name change after being told that he should be offended.

“This is our name, not their name. AMERICAN FOR AMERICANS,” stated President Trump. “There’s no Americans with Club América. Club Mexico, huge losers”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as President Trump demands the re-instatement of Sepp Blatter