Don Garber Lobbies FIFA for Cancellation of 2026 World Cup As It Conflicts With Current Tournament Schedules

NEW YORK – The Nutmeg News has learned that Don Garber, Commissioner of Major League Soccer (MLS), is aggressively lobbying FIFA President Gianni Infantino behind the scenes to cancel the 2026 World Cup – scheduled to be co-hosted by the United States, Mexico & Canada – as a result of that competition’s “unresolvable conflicts with MLS’s busy [2026] club tournament schedule.”

Garber generated public controversy in 2024 by suggesting that some or all MLS teams not participate in the U.S. Open Cup (USOC) – the oldest, and only fully-open, club tournament in the United States – in view of various other tournaments in which MLS teams participate, and for which MLS receives significantly more revenue. MLS insiders, speaking to The Nutmeg News on condition of anonymity, say that Garber has come to the realization that the 2026 World Cup tournament presents the same problem for MLS, which not only will have teams and players participating in league play in the summer of 2026, during the World Cup, but also have commitments to Leagues Cup and possibly later rounds of CONCACAF Champions Cup, as well as a newly-proposed “Saudi Aramco Petrodollars Tournament,” scheduled to be announced later in the year, at or near the time of the World Cup.

“Don has always been supportive of international play by MLS players,” said the anonymous MLS insider, “but the players’ union has forced his hand with all their demands for things like rest between matches and cutting back on excessive travel. In view of the [players’] union’s contract, [Garber] has reluctantly concluded the 2026 World Cup just can’t happen.”

Outside MLS observers believe that the real issue here is money. Although FIFA does pay clubs when their players participate in the World Cup – for 2022, FIFA paid clubs $10,000 per player per day for every time a club had a player who was called to their national squad for that tournament – Garber apparently finds these payments too low compared to the money MLS rakes in for US-based club tournaments, particularly when MLS teams are matched up with Liga MX teams from Mexico. Garber has apparently been lobbying FIFA for a “bonus solidarity payment” to MLS which would result in revenue to MLS equal to or exceeding the money MLS makes on club tournaments like Leagues Cup. In the words of one MLS observer, “did you see the ticket prices for the 2023 Leagues Cup [which were highly inflated in view of Lionel Messi’s appearance in the final]? Garber is looking for that kind of pay-out to MLS for the World Cup.”

Although Garber has yet to go public with his demands for World Cup cancellation, he apparently threatened Infantino with doing so “unless an accommodation can be made for MLS very soon.” FIFA is apparently deep in negotiations with Garber to resolve this conflict. There have been reports out of Zürich, Switzerland – the location of FIFA headquarters – of a U.S. Air Force C-5 cargo plane being loaded with numerous pallets of stacked Swiss Francs – leading some to believe a monetary settlement has been reached between MLS and FIFA and this dispute will never go public.

The Nutmeg News is following up on this story, as Garber is apparently working on a scheme to share FIFA’s largesse with MLS players – by offering a free (domestic) beer for all flights of more than 2 hours during league and tournament play travel.



Joey Saputo Threatens Montreal Supporters Group With Changing Name Of Team Again After Complaint Over Miami Ticket Prices

MONTREAL - Joey Saputo, owner of Club de Foot Montréal, threatened the Montreal supporters group 1642 Montreal with changing the name of the Team again and disbanding the supporters group after they issued a complaint about egregious ticket pricing for the upcoming Miami home game.

“I did it once, and I’ll do it again,” stated Saputo in a call with the Montreal supporters groups. “I’ll rename this team the Montreal Clowns and ban every single one of you from attending the game if you complain again.”

Sources say that the fans were simply upset that the team was charging $449 plus taxes for a single ticket in their supporters group section for the Miami game, however that did not stop Saputo from claiming foul.

“You are all trying to sabotage me! I built all this! ME! I’ll name this team the Montreal Saputos! I’ll do it! I’ll bury you like I did UM02.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Saputo removes the fleur-de-lis from the crest in retribution.

Kansas City Current Announce Two Drink Minimum Policy And $100 Cash Cover Charge For All Home Games

Kansas City, MO - National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) team Kansas City Current announced that all home games will have a two drink minimum policy and require a $100 cash cover charge for entrance on top of the day ticket or season ticket package.

“We will be requiring all entrants to purchase two drinks and bring $100 in cash to enter the facility,” stated the KC Current email sent to season ticket holders and mailing list members. “If you are unable to bring a new $100 bill you can also bring two $50 bills or even five $20 bills.”

Sources say that the Current are working to enable sober fans to attend games as they mandated that, “drinks will be charge at the same rate for alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages,” as they indicated that this would be enforced for youth and adult attendants alike.

“Supporting the Current is supporting women. You don’t hate women enough to not pay for a $50 parking fee, a $100 cover charge and a two drink minimum, do you? Arguing against a $50 parking fee is not supporting our shareholders, some of whom are women.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Current announce a new pay to play reservation system that fans have to sign up for before even going to a game.

Commissioner Demands Journalists It Pays To Cover Something Other Than The Most Famous Player In the World

INTERNET - Commissioner Don Garber demanded the journalists that it pays to cover something other the most famous player in the world as he stated, “there’s more to this league that Lionel Messi.”

Reportedly, Garber also stated, “you can’t cover the Collective Bargaining agreement, the destruction of the US Open Cup, the coverup of racial abuse in the league, the cover up of sexual assault and domestic violence in Portland, the hiring and firing of Gavin Wilkinson, the Professional Referee Organization, the playoff structure, the increasing service and ticket fees disenfranchising new fans, the nebulous behavior of Bruce Arena that we will never explain, and/or the utter lack of impact that this league has made with the broader American public.”

Sources say that this left journalists paid by the league to write columns such as, “Cole Basset…. American Messi?” and thought provoking articles describing how the best of 3 playoffs series is really better than the UEFA Champions League if you think about it.

“Commissioner Garber was explicit that he was disappointed that we cover anything but Messi, but also explicit that we run this Messi story into the ground. So I’m a bit confused, but as long as the checks continue to cash. I can’t go freelance with a once monthly Defector story,” stated one anonymous journalist.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garber touts Messi-Mania during the MLS All Star Break.

International Haters Council Forms To Root Against Inter Miami

INTERNET - Sources with the International Haters Council (IHC) announced that their formation and official by-laws were passed by majority acclaim that allows all members to root against Inter Miami up and until the team falls apart.

“HATE HATE HATE HATE,” stated members of the IHC as they ratified their code of conduct.

Council members indicate that the by-laws were written in place by Hater Supreme Dick Whittens who reportedly, “Just hates Inter Miami for all this shit.”

The by-laws are as follows

#1 Hate Inter Miami

#2 Hope they lose every game

#3 Be insufferable if they do

#4 Hate on them on social media and in real life as much as possible.

#5 Take Joy….. in your hate.

Sources at the recent IHC kick off convention state that a small sub-party tried to add in a law of, “always rooting against Luis Suarez,” that was shot down as being, “too specific and granular.”

“We are a big tent haters group,” stated one member. “We can’t afford to be divisive.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the IHC comes together to celebrate any failures of Inter Miami.

MLS To Use AYSO Referees To Start Season

NEW YORK – Facing the start of its 2024 season today while the referee organization – the Professional Referee Organization (PRO) – that normally officiates its matches is currently on strike and locked out from work sites, Major League Soccer (MLS) announced a bold, new, initiative to ensure the current season is able to commence – the “temporary” hiring of the large pool of American Youth Soccer Organization (AYSO) referees.

In a snap news conference held this morning, Don Garber – Commissioner of MLS – announced the hiring of AYSO referees as an “emergency measure” that he was forced to take in light of the “unprecedented and unreasonable” demands of the “greedy” PRO referees. “MLS has always been on the forefront of innovation,” said Garber, “from rethinking the US Open Cup, to adjusting our roster rules when our marquee teams want a star player, to ensuring our supporters’ groups do not unduly influence the hiring and firing decisions of our teams, we will always do what is best to protect our owners’ investments. This initiative with AYSO is the next step in that evolution, and will help grow the next generation of match officials.”

AYSO is the largest youth soccer organization in the United States, with a membership of over 56,000 teams and upwards of 630,000 players ages 4 to 18. AYSO Referees are typically parents or siblings of AYSO players, or in some cases AYSO players officiating matches of younger-aged players, and are paid $0.67 per game minute, while AYSO Assistant Referees – for those games that use more than one referee – are typically paid $0.50/minute. Garber indicated that the AYSO referees officiating MLS matches would receive a “significant pay bump” of $100.00 a match for Referees and $75.00 a match for Assistant Referees. Given that travel arrangements for PRO referees are one of the contentious issues that has precipitated the current strike, Garber was asked about payment of travel expenses for the new AYSO referees. He responded that that “was not on the table. We anticipate hiring locally, so our referees can have their mom drive them to the matches.” Garber also indicated that the new AYSO referee compensation package “may be something we look into for future PRO contracts. PRO needs to understand you cannot fight the laws of competitive economics.”

Several MLS players, speaking on condition of anonymity, expressed concern about the quality level of officiating they will receive from the AYSO referees. An AYSO spokesperson, who attended the press conference with Garber, attempted to allay those concerns. “The speed of the game will definitely be different for our referees,” said the spokesman, “but we think it will be manageable. These young kids, they have a lot of excess energy to burn off.” One accommodation that will be put in place will be to station a milk carton by the VAR monitor, as some of the AYSO referees are not yet tall enough to reach the monitors at their current height setting.

The Nutmeg News reached out to several current AYSO referees for their thoughts on the announcement. Although most were nervous, many indicated excitement that “they might be on TV” and that they might get to see Lionel Messi live, as current Inter Miami ticket prices preclude them from attending matches. At least one AYSO referee indicated that at least one aspect of MLS refereeing might be easier than their current assignments – MLS’s “Confrontational Incidents” rules. The AYSO referee stated “once you’ve had a purple-faced parent screaming at you about an offside call in a U-10 match, having Matt Miazga chase you into the referees’ locker room is NBD (no big deal).”



Only 30 More Hours Of Work At Minimum Wage Til Union Fan Can Afford Replica Kit As Long As He Doesn't Eat, Drink, Pay Rent Or Taxes

PHILADELPHIA - Union fan Sam Phillips stated that he had only 30 more hours at the minimum wage of $7.25 an hour until he would be able to afford a replica Philadelphia Union kit as long as he doesn’t eat, drink, pay rent or taxes.

“I basically need to not exist as a human and I can afford this $200 replica kit at the end of the week,” stated Phillips to no one in particular. “I need to support my team and this is the way I show how I support them.”

Sources say that Phillips one source of joy in an unending existence of toil is his local soccer team as he makes every game and cheers on the Union.

“I’m just hoping that my car stays running, I don’t have a medical emergency, my landlord doesn’t evict me , my dog doesn’t have any issues, I don’t go sick, and I can find another job alongside the job I’m already working to cover my season ticket payments,” stated Phillips. “It’s not easy out here, but the boys know my sacrifice.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Phillips applies for a new credit card to cover the cost of the Union kit.


Gary The Lion Tells Online FC Cincinnati Mob To Stand Back And Stand By As He Disputes Nordecke Vote

Cincinnati, OH - FC Cincinnati mascot Gary The Lion reached out to his online mob of FC Cincinnati fans imploring them to, “Stand Back and Stand By,” as he reportedly disputed the recent vote for the Nordecke Board.

“The election was rigged,” stated Gary The Lion as he blasted the Nordecke for, “violating the spirit of free elections.”

The Nordecke, reportedly, was informed that there was a dispute of the recent election as Gary The Lion took to Twitter to blast the group for being weak on integrity.

“Do Nothing Nordecke has again shown their inability to conduct a free and fair election,” stated Gary The Lion. “My sworn electors will soon be on site at online polling locations to establish that I did, in fact, win the election.”

Sources say that the internal conflict comes from the fact that Gary The Lion could not perform his duties as a Crew fan representative while also being the mascot of their rivals FC Cincinnati. However, Gary the Lion blasted this rumor as, “planted by the Crew faithful who can’t see that Cincinnati is the greatest city in Ohio.”

For his part, Gary the Lion stated that his long term goal is to, “completely dismantle the Nordecke and all fan groups in Columbus leading to the utter anhiliation of the supporters groups and fan groups there for the rest of their life.”

Some in Columbus indicate that they are on the side of the FC Cincinnati mascot as they stated, anonymously, “As a lifelong Crew fan and a Nordecke skeptic after the capogate scandal, I think Gary has some good points. I don’t agree with his comments regarding the utter annihilation of Crew Supporters as one myself, but I voted for him because he promised to make Columbus great again by eliminating all of us.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as pundits claim that the current Nordecke board is far too old to be as effective as Gary would be in running the Nordecke into the ground.

Toronto FC Fan Commits To Watching Giovinco Highlights From 2017 Instead Of TFC Games This Season

TORONTO - Toronto Football Club (TFC) fan Edward James stated that he committed to watching Giovinco highlights from 2017 instead of watching TFC games from 2024 as he stated, “they are going to be shit.”

Indicating that he wanted to start the interview by stating, “Manning out,” James stated, “All the joy has gone from my life,” as he repeatedly watched the highlight videos from 2015 to prepare for the highlight videos from 2017.

Sources say that James stolidly watched the entire 2023 season before questioning why anyone would do that twice and realizing that the team is going to be virtually the same in 2024.

“I’m just done. Not permanently, but I’m going to take 30 minutes each Saturday and Sunday to watch Giovinco curl in some free-kicks and call it good instead of getting angry at terrible defensive mistakes and a total lack of cohesiveness,” stated James.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as James also claims that he’s only rewatching the 2017 championship game instead of whatever teams make MLS cup this season.

MLS Executives Reach Out To Michelle Branch Regarding Whether She's Available To Date A Defender Playing For LAFC

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer executives flush with the Switft/Kelce excitement have reportedly reached out to singer/songwriter Michelle Branch regarding her possibility and interest in dating a defender for Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC)

“It’s an exciting time to start dating a soccer player,” stated the pitch to Branch and her team. “Soccer is a growing sport in the United States and what better way to show that you are with the supporters (not fans) of today than by showing up to a few matches (not games) in a luxury box with a personalized kit (not jersey) to root on a hunky soccer (not football) player.”

Sources say that the league is hoping to catch a bit of the Switft madness as they unite behind a potential moneymaking and controversy generating relationship.

“Soccer is the sport of tomorrow and we feel confident that Michelle Branch can be the singer of tomorrow as well! What can we do to get you into a relationship with a soccer player today…. for tomorrow!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS also reaches out to Vanessa Carlton to see how her relationships are going.

Super Bowl Stream Still Paused As American Soccer Fan Begins 9th Hour Of Explaining MLS Roster Rules

NEW YORK - Attendees of Glen Randolphs Super Bowl party confirm that they still don’t know the result of the championship game for the National Football League (NFL) as Mr. Randolphs paused the stream 9 hours ago to begin a, “simple explanation,” of the Major League Soccer (MLS) roster rules and is still continuing his explanation.

“This was supposed to be fun,” stated one anonymous party attendee. “But Glen won’t shut the hell up. Although I must say that his 2 hour vivisection of the Inter Miami roster rule situation that lead to fines and sanctions was quite fascinating.”

Sources say that the party goers would’ve left hours ago, but Mr. Randolphs continues to supply pizza, beer and wings as he explains, in depth, the roster acquisition rules during the late 2000s for returning US International players who previously played in the league.

“And we now make it back to, once again, Landon Donovan,” stated a beleaguered Randolphs. “We will take a 5 minute break and begin our conference on Targeted Allocation Money after you all get some coffee.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Randolphs complains about why more people don’t seem to enjoy watching soccer with him.