Man Finds That Unrelenting And Unyielding Optimism Is The Best Way To Cover His Lack Of Knowledge About Soccer

Philadelphia, PA - Stephan Smith, a Philadelphia Union fan, has found that unrelenting optimism about the Union is the best possible way to cover up the fact that he doesn't really know anything about the game he watches every weekend.

"I'll be honest. I don't know much about the game. I still say 'offsides', I still think that playing FIFA on X-Box will allow me to figure out a real life club transfer system, and I don't really have a clue what any of the players are doing on the field at any given moment. However, I've decided that the way I can cover up my lack of knowledge is to just be positive, all the time. When the team acquires a new player, it is very clear to me that he is going to be the best player ever. When the team loses a game it is very likely not their fault and they will absolutely win the next one. When the goalkeepers we acquired don't pan out, we just need to give them more time." said Smith.

"We should give our ownership and management more time because they are always right, and because owning a team is tantamount to decree of high soccer intelligence when it comes to the decision making process. We should give all our players more time, because our ownership and management that is always right picked them and if our ownership and management is always right, then the players they pick must be the best possible players available. I had a friend who was really into international soccer who informed me that all is for the best in the best of all possible worlds. As this is the best of all possible worlds, then every decision that the front office makes is for the best. To challenge this assumption is to categorically state that not all is for the best in the best of all possible worlds and if we cant think that all is for the best at all times, then how are we to stay unrealistically optimistic all the time?"

TNN asked Smith about twitter and his use of the format that is often used for "hot take" opinions and negativity.

"Well, I believe that through my example of positive thinking and perpetual optimism that I can convince others that they are supporting the team wrong because so many fans are supporting their teams wrong. Criticism is silly, there is always a reason why the critical people are wrong and why their criticism is absurd. They aren't the front office and the front office knows what to do. If the fans were the front office, they wouldn't be able to run anything, because everyone knows that these unqualified people who have watched soccer for 25 years know far less about the game than a venture capitalist who raised 200 million dollars to buy a 55 percent share in the team.

When the negative and critical fans can begin see all the positive things, like the fact that we can attend games and be alive and free in the greatest country in the world instead of being beaten by sugar cane and bamboo by terrorists in a dungeon somewhere feasting on the entrails of rats, then they can begin to extrapolate that against the fact that if they love life, the front office loves life, the team loves life, that they are all living in the harmony of the best of all possible worlds. If this is possible then any result is an opportunity for relentless positive thought, even a loss."

11 Years Later, Crew Fan Still Mad About Cory Gibbs

Columbus, OH - 11 years after the fact, Columbus Crew fan Andrew Dowser is still mad and confused about the way that the Columbus Crew lost out on Cory Gibbs.

Trigger Warning!

"It still doesn't make any sense to me, although not many things that happened around that time really do. Gibbs? Tony Sanneh? Tony Sanneh missing that freaking penalty kick? Ross Paule missing that penalty kick? Allocation? Super Allocation? I still don't even know what really happened even 11 years later. Someone told me 36 different variations of Dallas having 400k of allocation money and LA passing on using their slots and it all just still kinda pisses me off. When kids tell me about Clint Dempsey and the variable rules of Major League Soccer today, I roll my eyes and tell them about the time when we didn't have any coverage at all and Crew fans just had to deal. We spent nearly every waking moment waxing rhapsodic about journeyman players that played in Europe who might want to play for $75,000."

While the time hasn't healed all wounds, Mr Dowser expressed his one regret, "I regret that I didn't have a chance to post more inflammatory comments about the Gibbs situation on big soccer. I mean back in those days you could really let lose and my goodness was there a bunch of topics beaten to death on Gibbs, McBride and even Danny Szetela. Speaking of which, I hear that Danny is running a Sbarro in New Jersey somewhere."

When informed that Szetela is actually now playing for the New York Cosmos, Dowser had the following to say, "Well I guess he finally made it to New York after all."

Major League Soccer Bans Nitrous Oxide Use In Commentating Booth

After listening to various commentators around Major League Soccer (MLS), officials followed the Glastonbury Festival example in banning the use of nitrous oxide by pundits doing live commentary associated with the league. League officials have concerns that the use of nitrous would only confirm MLS  is a circus run by clowns

An unnamed source reported officials went ballistic after listening to clips of Ross Smith preparing for this weekends Cascadia Cup match between Portland and Vancouver.

This unnamed MLS official was heard yelling down the halls of MLS central "that man sounds like a wildebeest in heat!"

League officials began a nation wide inquiry into the color commentary provided by league franchises after listening to what appeared to be relatively insane babble provided by giggling twats who frequently talked over one another with a betraying sign of insane self-confidence that only laughing gas brings. Reportedly an investigation proved that 36 individual tanks were delivered and used during Smith's performance of Portland v FC Dallas. As well, reports of Shep Messing having a custom New York Cosmos painted facemask and nozzle distribution system piped directly into the booths of Red Bull Arena are being investigated.

Not surprisingly, Brian Dunseth was also racked by the same official after releasing an updated "drink with Dunny" board that had "huff some happy gas when I say skill check" as the center square.

The Nutmeg News contacted league officials to confirm our source's information. The league stated "while we cannot confirm or deny anything, we can say MLS endeavors to function as a top, top, TOP league, which includes the way in which it is described to viewers. As such, we can announce that we are in discussion with Gus Johnson to provide all commentary for all major MLS games regardless of market. We feel that this will give us the standards that we so desperately crave."

TNN will investigate this story as it continues.

FRIENDLIES! FRIENDLIES! FRIENDLIES! SELL YOUR PLASMA NOW!

NEW YORK - Relevant Sports today announced a spate of friendlies in the branded International Champions Cup (ICC). These games (according to the press release) are an "INNOVATIVE transformation of the traditional European club preseason tours into a competitive tournament". 

While some would decry these games as a blatant cash grab and attempt at overt brand exposure in a burgeoning market, The Nutmeg News decided to reach out to the chairman and founder of Relevant Sports and the ICC.. TNN spoke with Stephen Ross in New York City.

TNN: "Tell us about Relevant Sports and the ICC"

Ross: "We positioned ourselves in the market to be the premier branding event and sporting competition in North America. There's more talent on the bench of Porto than in all the Major League Soccer teams combined. For North Americans, this is the chance to discover your roots, find out that you have a distant Manchester grandfather and don so much United gear that you disappear into a black hole of Morrissey lyrics yelling about the traitors of FC United of Manchester."

TNN: "Will the ticket prices be affordable to the average fan?"

Ross: "We have to position ourselves to ensure that our ticket prices are high in order to give the impression that this is a prestigious event."

TNN: "Some would accuse this tournament of being a blatant cash grab for pre-season European teams who have relatively disinterested players more interested in the nightlife than what's happening the field and coaches just trying to get people fit for the season ahead, what is your viewpoint on that?"

Ross: "There's no denying that."

TNN: "I'm sorry?"

Ross: "Well, that's what it is. I mean, we can put lipstick on a pig, but I think everyone knows that this is a way for international clubs to expand their branding, pick up new fans, sell a few more shirts, play in decent weather and try some young players. It's the American fans that crave the identity that associating with a European team brings. They are starved for it by a franchise system that exploits everyone. By comparison to how Major League Soccer is run, this is probably the most transparent event that happens every summer."

TNN: "Thanks for speaking with us."

Ross: "Thank you! And remember you can pick up tickets soon to the battle of the titans in New York City with Chelsea's B Squad versus the C Squad of Manchester United! It will be only $110 to watch an 18 year old Ukrainian who has no chance of making the main squad."

DC United Fan Totally Lives For Churros

WASHINGTON - DC United fan Raphael Hoenigs admitted on Facebook that he "Totally lives for Churros, Bro" on Monday.

"I never knew it was such a passion of his," said girlfriend Melody Racine. "It's really become a thing for him. Every home game before the team kicks off he is out sampling, comparing and writing about Churros."

Hoenigs started his twitter account @OMG_DCUNITEDCHURROS in a fit of passion after having a near religious experience when eating the churros served at RFK. Soon he was spreading the word to tens of anonymous people who look upon him as the ultimate churro source for the DC United going fan that doesn't stock up on churros before they enter the stadium.

"It's been an unbelievable ride from then til now and I only hope it continues. My love of the churro will continue and I only hope United tickets stay as affordable as they currently are so that I can continue my obsession" said Hoenigs. 

When asked about DC United itself Hoenigs said. "Well, they are good, but honestly.... the only that never lets me down are the churros... if you know what I mean."

OPINION: "I Gave Up Watching Kitten Videos For This?" Angry Neutral Reviews Seattle v Portland

The Nutmeg News accepts opinion pieces and letters to the editor as part of our community outreach policy. TNN will publish these letters in response to columns to fairly cover both sides of any debate.

Dear Friends,

I gave up watching kitten videos on youtube for this? Tons of you soccer friends were trying to convince me that Portland v Seattle was a good time to watch MLS. That I should tune in for the best rivalry in the league. That watching this game as a neutral was a good idea, but all I watched was that scene from the Simpsons play out over and over (SIMPSONS DID IT) before I finally got bored.

Usually with a rivalry there is bad blood, or at least an attempt to play hard. This was an unmitigated waste of my evening. Now, I stuck with it. I managed to make it to the end of the game, but the very fact that some of you (LARRY and STEPHEN) made me give up my evening of Mad Men and Game of Thrones for this shit makes me want to nut you.

Talk up the rivalry in the stands all you want, fans of MLS, but on the field you couldn't tell if this was intramural warm ups between DeVry University and Gateway Technical College in Kenosha or the Boston Red Sox versus the New York Yankees. 

It was dull, deal with it.

Fortunately, at 90+ minutes I was able to check out, cleanse my palate with some pictures of corgi dogs dressed up as cowboys and then watch some good television.

Never Again.

Thanks for nothing soccer fans,

Ronald T Sutherland

Des Moines, IA

Fans Of Other Major League Soccer Teams Now #MLS4LigaMX

Thanks to the meddling interference of Major League Soccer (MLS) and their single entity shenanigans with regards to the possibility of loaning a goalkeeper from one of their franchises to Montreal for one game, more MLS fans are now hoping that Club America just thrashes the MLS team from Montreal.

TNN reporters spoke with fans from the Chicago Fire on Saturday after the news broke that the league was considering loaning Sean Johnson from Chicago to Montreal.

"This is bullshit and another example of Minor League Soccer's attempt at screwing all the fans of Chicago so it looks big internationally," said plumber and Chicago Fire fan Ralph Branze. "Any interest I had in Montreal winning the league has completely gone now and I want them to go down in a fiery ball of incompetence."

TNN spoke with school teacher Penelope Danzier and she had the following to say, "I can't see why I would care if another team won the CONCACAF Champions League. I root for the Fire, and having to deal with the crap that comes from the MLS front office and my own teams front office is not a benefit that encourages me to have some semblance of league pride. All MLS is doing is showing how small it is with this kind of idea."

With recent news that the league and owners of the team may not be considering this short term intra-league anymore, TNN reporters spoke with deputy comissioner Mark Abbot about the loan issue.

"Look, we own your team. Your players are on loan from us to your team. Just think of your team as an Arby's and we give you the theoretical ability to hire and fire the team members that join. Technically we still own your Arby's and technically we can hire, fire and transfer people at will, but we like to pretend like your local Arby's has autonomy. In reality, MLS will do literally whatever it wants at any time to the local franchises that it runs and if that happens to be transferring a player for the good of the league, than so be it."

Meanwhile, more messages of support are starting to come in for Club America from fans of teams like Vancouver, Toronto, Portland, Seattle, Los Angeles, Kansas City, Orlando, Columbus and Red Bull New York. Many of the fans of these teams are now #MLS4LigaMX thanks to the bumblefoot way in which MLS has tried to handle this.

TNN will continue covering this issue as it happens.

In Effort At Transparency, MLS To Release Already Outdated Allocation Rules

Major League Soccer (MLS) has long taken the brunt of criticism for the clandestine way in which it operates, along with the intentional effort to hide the way in which players are acquired. However, on April 24th, Mark Abbot announced that Major League Soccer would be changing that.

"Don and I had a little chat about the function of transparency in our league so we decided to release the allocation rules that we thought we were going to use this season. Now, it should be noted that these rules are already out of date and we do not plan on releasing the new updated rules. Also, it should note that pretty much everything is ready to be chucked out a window when we get a chance to sign a set group of players that we like to call the 'untouchable 5'. Basically anything goes if Zlatan or Ronaldo decides he wants to sign with an MLS team. In the case of a signing by any one of them, each MLS owner will send a proxy to fight for them in the AT&T Arena of Death. Although to be honest, we already know where they are going, right?"

Abbot went on to say that the player acquisition rules that they had available were drawn up in the waning moments of 2014, but two weeks later they decided to change them. Then two weeks later they changed them again, making the set of rules they are releasing the old, old rules and not really at all relevant to the situation at hand.

"We actually had a clause put in where we had to call all new players a homophobic slur, but that was added in by some of our more conservative owners and we had to take that out. There was also a point where we tried to tie each player acquisition to an established fast food franchise in the area so that we could bring more revenue into the league. Then at one point we wanted to award players to a franchise by having the owners do a chocolate milk chug. Last one to spew gets a player. All of these were part of several different edits of 'the rules' as we know them. At this point, we cobbled together something from season 1, season 12 and season 17, with a bit of 'road rules v real word' style competition for added bonus. This season Garth Lagerwey will take on Anthony Precourt in a game of gladiator style joust for the ability to use $100,000 in allocation money and a lifetime supply of Snapple for the front office staff. It'll be amazing."

With Abbot and Garber changing the rules as they go along, TNN asked whether any fan could trust that they were telling the truth.

"Well, obviously the answer to that is no. I mean, when someone has already tried to deceive you purposefully and repeatedly over the course of many years, why would you trust that what we say NOW is the truth. Wait, there are people who do? Oh man, my job just got a lot easier."

OPINION -- Rebuttal: To The Man Burned Out On Charity

The Nutmeg News accepts opinion pieces and letters to the editor as part of our community outreach policy. TNN will publish these letters in response to columns to fairly cover both sides of any debate.

To Mr Kenso:

Clearly you don't understand what we are doing here, so I'm going to illuminate it for you.

Why do you hate charity? Why do you hate giving back to your community? Why do you hate kids who like soccer and hockey?

It's not about you, it's about the city in which we live. You want to support the team in a half ass way and that's going to reflect poorly on all of us. You can't be half-way stuck in, you have to be all the way. That means attending and fund raising for the group in all capacities. If we had more people like our public relations expert, Helen Cosgrove, we would be in a better place. She, Mr Kenso, selflessly works a 50 hour job and spends an additional 20 hours a week on supporters group items. Including dealing with your privilege.  She barely even gets to see her children and hasn't been able to watch a game finish in 4 years because she has to go run operations outside the stadium. That is dedication. 

If you don't want to do the things we want you to do, then you should fuck off and leave. If you can't understand that we trade fucks in the stadium for fresh paint on schools then you aren't one of us. These things that we do make it impossible for anyone to criticize us at any time.

You are a poser, Mr Kenso. You are a carpetbagger, Mr Kenso. We don't need more fans like you and if you don't realize that you can fuck off. More slackjawed idiot fans like yourself wont raise the esteem that others in the community have for our group.  

If any other people want to join our group, we could use more volunteers to help build a foundation for an outdoor hockey rink for elementary school children the night before our big game against Montreal. As well, remember that some of your money in TFC supporters group Red Hell goes towards the refurbishment of endangered wetlands around the Ontario area.

Sincerely,

Carl Stephenson

President: Red Hell

Disillusioned Man Leaves MLS Supporters Group After Charity Burnout

TORONTO - Derry Kenso wanted an authentic experience where he could swear, stand and sing for the club that he loves, Toronto FC. So he began to frequently join the Red Patch Boys and a number of the different supporters groups that attend the games in Toronto. However, three years later and Mr Kenso decided to leave. The Nutmeg News wanted to know why.

TNN sat down with Mr Kenso for an interview on why he left, "I joined the boys so that I could stand and cheer for Toronto FC, but increasingly it felt like I was in the supporters group so that I could do charity around the town and sometimes attend a game. Look, I have nothing against doing charity around town as I think it is a noble gesture, but I'm confused as how it has anything to do with wanting The Reds to win."

Mr Kenso stated that during the time when Toronto wasn't playing that he was subjected to emails, twitter, Facebook posts and personal conversations about donating his time to the organization. "They wanted my time all the time. I volunteered to collect food for the poor and the next thing I knew they were trying to schedule me for three more events. I really just wanted to help with the tifo and make flags, and just have fun at the games. I didn't really want to help repair the school infrastructure around town. I get how that is helping out my city, but I do that in other ways that have nothing to do with soccer. I just wanted to go to the games with a group of good friends and enjoy watching the boys play."

Asked if he was going to volunteer or help out in the future, Mr Kenso had the following to say, "Increasingly it felt like I was there to support the supporters group and the ego of the group rather help the supporters group cheer on our team. I've just decided to go to the games but stop going to the charity events and stop giving money to the groups. I'll help out on banners and two sticks, but I don't feel like I need to help collect money to clean the teeth of the homeless in order to feel like a fan of Toronto FC."

MLS Teams Focused On 13 Wins And Taking The Rest Of The Year Off

Teams around Major League Soccer (MLS) have realized that the only thing that makes sense in a league of parity is to make the playoffs and have started prioritizing their team as such.

"All we need to do is win 13 games, play a few dull 1-1 draws and then we can take the rest of the year off, lose every single game, go to the beach and just relax," said defender Omar Gonzalez.

With the LA Galaxy already sitting on 3 wins and 2 draws, they have 27 more games left in the season to win 10 more.

"We are really focusing on not giving a crap come August" said head coach Bruce Arena. "If we can get 10 more wins early, I'll probably just start playing USL players on loan. The rest of the season won't really matter because seeding for the playoffs really doesn't make a huge difference."

In Vancouver, where the Whitecaps are sitting on five wins, head coach Carl Robinson is elated at the possibility of not giving a shit about the rest of the season by July. "We only have 8 more games to win over the course of 26. We could be sitting pretty by the All Star Game if we time this right.  If we hit our target early, the plan is to just forfeit the rest of the season and spend most of it on nature hikes through Stanley Park and shopping on Granville Island.

In New York City, head coach of the Red Bulls Jesse Marsch stated his interest in being done for a special event. "Well, I'm showing a collection at New York Fashion Week in February, so I need to hit our goal target by July if I'm going to have time to sew. It's important that we get this done because I'm planning on completely zoning out during games and sketching a new and exciting pair of gaucho pant that will revolutionize the world"

NY Soccer Writers To Be Awarded NYC Bronze Medallion For Attending and Writing about Four NY Soccer Games

NEW YORK - Writers in the New York area were all informed that due to their courageous and heroic performances in attending and writing about all three NY soccer teams over four days they would receive the highest civilian award from New York City, The Bronze Medallion. 

The Bronze Medallion is a prestigious award presented by the mayor of New York City and former recipients of the Bronze Medallion include Muhammed Ali, Martin Luther King Jr, Douglas MacArthur, Willie Mays, and Wesley Autrey, who saved the life of a fellow commuter on a New York City subway. 

Mayor Bill de Blasio released a statement saying, "We wish to recognize those heroic individuals who were either volunteer or paid individuals who attended four soccer games in four days. They should be lauded for their professionalism and heroic conduct."

While the job of being paid to attend a game for 90 minutes and write about it seems like the things dreams are made of, most sports writers will tell you something different.

"It was nothing but soccer, moderately decent food in the press box and trying to organize receipts and expenses so I don't overrun my per diem. It was a nightmare. I mean I had to watch four games in four days. No man should do that."  said a sportswriter who wished to remain anonymous.

The glut of news about the four games in four days lent itself to comparisons to running an ultra marathon of 100 miles, but with more caloric intake and sitting around watching other people run. 

Mayor de Blasio finished his remarks by saying "Indeed, these heroic writers can show our food cart workers, sanitation engineers, and firefighters a few things about dedication to a job. How anyone could write a column that superficially compares three teams who played for about 90 minutes on four separate dates and then manages to coalesce the things that they find into a cohesive overview about soccer in the New York area is beyond me."

MLS Front Office Groups Look To Blame Their Sacrificial Coaches

With the Major League Soccer (MLS) season now in full swing, many of the front offices around the league are looking to divorce themselves from the responsibility of their poor ownership and are looking to pass the buck onto their coaches.

The Nutmeg News was able to speak to several high ranking members of front offices around the league to get their viewpoint.

"We like to believe that we are a front office that believes in accountability, and by accountability I mean that we like to make sure that our coaches take all the blame. It isn't our fault that none of our acquisitions over the past few years have worked, or that we didn't provide him with a good training staff, or that we didn't promote the team so hardly any fans showed up. Look it's all about his continuous usage of that formation, and the fact that the good player we picked up from (ED NOTE: Country was redacted) isn't starting. He coaches the team, he should get all the blame from the fans, because lord knows that we don't want any blame coming from them on our shoulders," said one anonymous owner.

TNN was able to have a conversation with another reticent owner, off the record, about this situation. "We thought our coach was the messiah when we hired him, but now we aren't sure. I mean sure he never got to pick his own players, or his own staff, or his own formation because he had to explain everything to us. However, he should have known better. I mean we are complete novices at this game and we are relying on him to tell us that what we are doing is right all the time so that we feel smart. What a numpty. Now I'm looking to replace him with an under-appreciated AYSO coach that has 2 years of assistant experience at the University of Miami Ohio. We need a coach that is more on our level."

Meanwhile an ownership group that is located in the north had the following to say, "If we don't win, it is his fault. Granted, we bought all the players, we signed them and then signed him, and he took over a squad that was awful before; but it is 100% his fault when everything that we put in place before we hired him doesn't work out. The best part is that the fans will just relentlessly snipe at each other about the team and the coach while we can just continue to put half baked shit out on the field. It's fantastic."

TNN will have more information on the upcoming coaching changes in the league as they happen.

FC Hasental Players Laud Fan Support

Agoura Hills, CA - FC Hasental players lauded their fan support after a recent home loss. FC Hasental plays in the National Premier Soccer League and the team recently noticed an increase of one at their home games recently and the players of Los Conejos chalk up their positive mental attitude to this increase in fan support.

 "Jerry was pretty great, he stayed the entire game and once shouted 'good work'." said midfielder Cory Stevenson. 

"It was electric, Jerry was there (as usual) and we could see him in our peripherals except when he went to go get some whiskey out of the car." said forward Charles Darrin. 

The Nutmeg News spoke to Jerry Weintrube who is the leader, capo, tifo organizer, and away travel organizer, and only member of FC Hasental's supporters group 'Bombanera Rude Boys Ultra Reds". 

"It's just part of supporting the club, being here day in and day out. I mean most of the time I have to look up which stadium they are playing and sometimes I miss the games because I got drunk the night before, but I like to be here. More importantly the players don't forget to come over and salute me after the game, win or lose. Mostly because I'm throwing the after party and they need to tell me what kind of booze and pizza they want there."

Disillusioned NYCFC Fan Seeks Comfort In Red Bull

NEW YORK - Bradford Granderson was enticed to New York City FC by the lure of cosmopolitan, metro accessed soccer. However, now that the gleam is off the shine, he has reportedly started looking at other, more successful teams in the area.

"I wanted to watch soccer in New York City, but I also want to watch winning, beautiful soccer. The only thing beautiful about NYCFC right now is the subway ride there. Other than that it has been awful. A terrible, cramped field; and a team that coughs up games. I might as well go over to New Jersey."

Mr. Granderson admitted to The Nutmeg News that he had started to look over at Red Bull New York while realizing that Harrison, NJ isn't that far away.

"I'm not all in on this yet, I could still switch out my season tickets from NYCFC to RBNY. I mean, they are playing well and winning and honestly, I'd rather not go out to the Bronx anyway. At this point, if RBNY keep winning and NYCFC keep losing I might sit on a neutral side when the two teams play each other. I can let them play for my affection and whoever wins, will get a new fan. Perhaps I'll make a split kit for the match to reflect my inner turmoil. My other option is to do what I've already done, which is to ignore both teams and just watch more Chelsea games. That really seems like the logical thing to do."

Financial Perspective: Smug Stocks Look To Rebound In Seattle

Seattle, WA - Leading smug analysts say that their projected Smug (SMG -47.00) overload from this weekend was left severely lacking as the Seattle Sounders lost to Los Angeles.

"We thought there would be an available surplus of Smug," said trader Brock Landers. "I was hedging on such a high number that I was calling all my clients telling them to trade heavily in smug. When the peak never hit and our supplies of smug started dropping in price, I knew that we were in for a bumpy ride."

With the Sounders playing Colorado this week, analysts have taken a more cautious approach trading heavily on a low to medium amount of smug in the mid-cap Smug trading zone. However, this does not signal a bear approach to the Seattle market.

Account manager Gary Gregory explains, "We feel that there will always be the opportunity for extreme smug growth in Seattle, however we are also diversifying our bonds into the Amalgamated Troll Bonds (ATB) and a sampling of Preening Overconfidence Stock (POS).When the Seattle Seahawks start up we will roll our Sounders smug into a high volume, high frequency bandwagon trading before consolidating our finances during the Sounders playoff run by selling off our Smug holdings for playoff disaster insurance, SigiOut industrial, and a minor amount of shares in Groupon.

TNN will have more on this as it develops.

Pele Wants You To Try A Delicious Subway Sandwich And For The NY Cosmos To Be In MLS

NEW YORK - Celebrity spokesman, Geritol user, and a man who played so long ago that your parents talk about watching him play, Pele, issued a press release on two of his favorite topics Thursday. The former soccer star and highly touted "best ad pitchman in the world if you have sandwiches or other sandwich related items or really just some money, even 10 dollars will do, Pele will leave a customized voicemail message for about $3.50" spoke out about his two favorite topics, sandwiches and the NY Cosmos.

"I think the people of the world should try the new Crispy Chicken Double Meat Feast Extravaganza," said Pele. "They will enjoy the near contrasting styles of 48 slices of pepperoni and a rare chicken that is only found in the highlands of East Ann Arbor, Michigan.  One can say that THIS is the best sandwich in the world right now. Also, the NY Cosmos should be in MLS. The Cosmos are like Quiznos to the delicious Subway right now. No one likes Quiznos because they do not have Pele! And who does not need Pele, and Subway and delicious MLS money that melts in your mouth like the buttered snails of St Lucia. 

So for the Cosmos, MLS. For your mouth, Subway. And for my wallet, another endorsement deal from Subway and perhaps you bring home some 'Bounty' from our friends at Proctor and Gamble. As well, please buy Always feminine pads. Always, when you need to be fresh and dry.... As fresh and dry as Pele is when talking about Subway, Always feminine pads and Major League Soccer! Pele! Subway! COSMOS!"

Pele's press release then dissolved into nothing but buzzwords and the words "Garber Shall Prevail."

TNN will have more on this as it continues. Sponsored by Subway. And Always. And Proctor And Gamble. And Pele. COSMOS. PELE. MLS. COSMOS. 

PELE.

Reddit Complaint Thread About Shameful American Outlaws Behavior Turns Into Shameful Bigoted Comments By Reddit Users

A report filed on the news aggregation and social media site Reddit.com by a Mexican-American fan that stood with the American Outlaws turned sour as the baseless comments and behavior that the fan reported were excused with casual racism, jingoistic idiocy, victim blaming, and strawman arguments. 

 According to the report, at the recent San Antonio clash between Mexico and the United States, US fans in the American Outlaws section were caught yelling "puto" at the goalkeeper in response to the Mexican fans continued usage of the slur. They also were caught yelling "Go Back To Mexico" and "Fucking Faggot".

While this behavior is thoroughly reprehensible, a number of fans defended this as "something you hear at every game," and that "'Mexican' is not a slur," and that "you can't pin this all on one group" and that "I've suffered worse by Mexicans." Thus once again proving that you can say a lot of bad things about people from Mexico but do not say anything bad about the American Outlaws saying bad things about Mexico.

While Reddit is regarded in both a positive and negative light by many fans who use the service, there are often indications (even on a massive level) that it can also be a place where the detritus drains out from the bile of society to pool together in order to feel like they have a common fellowship.

TNN spoke with clinical psychologist Harold Lamar about this situation. "While those we refer to as trolls are hiding behind the notion of 'creating a civilized discussion and exploring all view points' often times those that are intentionally obtuse and argumentative use this method to attack those who report bullying and bigoted behavior by methodically finding ways to devalue their position, a common strategy employed by those who want to excuse behavior. Sadly when people use the excuse 'this team or this group of people made us suffer worse than we did to them so this shameful behavior isn't as bad' they employ a viewpoint that exacerbates the cyclical culture of reprehensible and bigoted abuse."

TNN will continue to cover this situation as it continues.

History Professors Use Idiotic "Remember The Alamo" Banter To Call For Increased Educational Funding

History Professors in the United States used remarks said by supporters during the buildup for the United States versus Mexico game as signs that education of the youth on the history of the United States has failed miserably. 

"So many young people were yelling 'REMEMBER THE ALAMO' to Mexican fans, which is tantamount to yelling 'REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU WON'." said professor of United States history, Lydia Stephenson. "It just shows that our educational standard is so incredibly low that we rely on 1960's Walt Disney movies to give us historical perspective. We must increase spending on our education to prevent such moronic statements from fans going forward."

Director of Banter for the US Soccer Federation, Jared Dephiggio, agreed, "We are years behind other countries when it comes to banter. Some of our youth are so dumb they are actually giving the country they are insulting complements. It is a difficult situation for the US Soccer Federation and why we are pioneering our pay-to-play insult and banter schools in south Florida." 

Despite all this, American Outlaws supporters and USA fans continue to taunt Mexican fans with such random remarks as "Davy Crockett, Bro", despite the Mexican army killing Crockett during the battle of the Alamo.

TNN will have more on this as it continues to get worse.

MLS Journalists Begin Work On Columns Rebutting Criticism Of The MLS All Star Game

The collection of national and local journalists that report on Major League Soccer (MLS) began their annual rebuttal in columns and on twitter to criticisms of the Major League Soccer All Star Game sponsored by Cash Grab Banks and Money Lending. 

"You expect us to criticize a free trip, a great party, easy headlines, interviews with international players and the ability to party for a week? Please, the MLS All Star Game is the best thing that has ever happened to me" said reporter for the Washington Post, Dick Wittinger. "This is the golden assignment. No one cares about the result, the game exists as a way to make money and I'll ask some really stupid questions to Harry Kane about which NFL team he supports."

While many fans are now relentless in their criticism of the nationally recognized joke of the MLS All Star Game, reporters see this as a great opportunity to gather together, take pictures and hand in assignments that are typically more in depth on terrible issues than the ones they try to pass off as work for their local teams. 

"I spent the entirety of the ASG in Portland drinking good beer, watching soccer with my friends and then hanging out with Mark Abbot and Sydney Leroux at night. If you think I'm going to complain about that you have another thing coming" said Sports Illustrated columnist Roger Norris. "There's a time and place to stand up for your beliefs and that time is when you argue about your per-diem for ASG week. I don't care if the ASG was settled by a karaoke song contest as long as they continue to throw great parties and I get to chat up the British media about Cristiano Ronaldo."

With the ASG game in Denver this year ESPN reporter David Ribedoux is planning on writing a specific story, "I'm going to interview every Tottenham player about pot stores and legal marijuana in Denver. It'll be a great story. I'll also go one-on-one with Deandre Yedlin about the differences between England and America. It's a story that hasn't been done before. But yeah, Pot Shops. I also plan on making sure that I condescendingly tell fans on twitter that they don't know what they are talking about and that the ASG should be just treated like a fun event. Fans don't know. I know. It's fun. And pot shops, English players. Y'know, fun."

The Nutmeg News will continue to cover this farce as it happens.