George Juncaj Challenges Podcast To Duel

INTERNET - George Juncaj via the Michigan Stars twitter feed, today, challenged the Knights Who Say NISA podcast to a Pistols At Dawn duel from their Twitter account.

“OUR HONOR WILL NOT BE BESMIRTCHED,” stated the Tweet that was absolutely 100% not dictated by George Juncaj to an unpaid intern who posted the stupid statement online, immediately sighed and sent out an application for a cashier position at a grocery store. “PREPARE YOUR SECONDS!”

Sources indicate that Juncaj was originally arguing for a duel built around swordplay but that ultimately he felt that the Knights Who Say NISA were not worthy the noble art that comes with the flash of steel, the smoking of cigars, and all the bloodletting.

“FORSOOTH, THOU HAST SPAKE AGAINST ME,” railed a mustachioed Juncaj as he twirled his black satin cape and ranted towards the computer screen like a incontinent Charles Foster Kane. “THEY WILL SUFFER THE STEEL AND THE FLASH AND THE MUZZLE! Oh but bring a doctor, for thou will submit!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Juncaj spends all evening in his office at the Stars facility searching for his dueling gloves.

Excited Taxi Fountas Plans Free Slur As He Fills MLS Racial Abuse Punch Card

WASHINGTON – DC United forward Taxiarchis “Taxi” Fountas today expressed excited anticipation upon being awarded another punched hole on his racial abuse punch card – since he has now collected enough punched holes that his next one is free.

“In the year-and-a-half that I’ve played for [DC] United,” said Fountas, “I’ve diligently carried my punch card in my sock for every match, hoping to collect another punch. Finally, I have, and now I get my freebie!” His statement about his latest card punch appears to be referring to an incident in DC United training session earlier in the week, in which Fountas is reported to have directed a racial slur at teammate Nigel Robertha, which lead to a physical altercation between the two. It is not known where Fountas may have collected the eight other punches on his racial slur punch card – although insiders have speculated that at least one was collected during a match against Inter Miami in September, 2022, when Fountas was accused of racially abusing Inter defender Damion Lowe; MLS found that reports of that incident were “credible” but “could not be verified.” MLS officials, when reached for comment by the Nutmeg News, would not comment on whether a “credible but not verified” claim of racial abuse would qualify a player for a hole on their punch card.

Racial abuse punch cards have become a popular item for a segment of the MLS player pool, with Minnesota United winger Franco Fragapane and New York Red Bulls forward/winger Dante Vanzier being notable players who have made efforts to collect punches on their personal cards in the past few years. It is not known to what extent MLS provides these cards for players or circumstances in which players have been granted a “freebie” upon completion of their card – although several have speculated that Fragapane was granted his “freebie” in July, 2021, and used it to racially abuse Portland Timbers midfielder Diego Chara without consequence.

Racial abuse punch cards are a relatively new development in U.S. soccer, although like many U.S. soccer traditions, they have origins in Europe.  For example, in Serie A – the top flight of Italian soccer – there is a decades-long tradition of issuing newly-signed players the carta per abusi razziali gratis (“Get Out Of Racial Abuse Free” card).

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Fountas confuses his Free Frogurt card with his Racial Abuse Card and is asked to leave his local FroZenYo.

"This Octopus Won't Tell Me SHIT," Claims Degenerate World Cup Gambler

Houston, TX - Staring eye-to-eye with a cagey cephalopod, degenerate World Cup gambler Riley Owens reportedly yelled, “this octopus won’t tell me SHIT,” before leaving the Houston Downtown Aquarium without his World Cup picks finalized.

According to Owens, “Everyone knows that octopuses are who you go to for the World Cup,” as he explained that he just needed to, “get even on the month,” as he attempts to use the World Cup games to pad out his financial bankroll.

“You can clean up on the World Cup,” stated Riley to our reporter. “You just have to get the right octopus and get them to talk.”

Sources indicate that Owens started by showing carefully created cards with team names on them to the Octopus before frustration took over and he started yelling, “Sam Kerr 13/1 gold boot, RIGHT? TALK YOU PRICK! SHARE YOUR SECRETS!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Owens is escorted from a local Benihana.

"Can't Wait To Stay Up For These World Cup Games," States 39 Year Old Soccer Fan Who Fell Asleep Watching Laptop At 10:15 PM Last Night

NORTH AMERICA - 39 year old Soccer fan D.A. Harrington reportedly claimed that they, “can’t wait to stay up for these World Cup games,” despite falling asleep at 10:15 pm last night while watching their laptop.

“I’m staying up LATE,” stated Harrington even though their average bed time has been between 9:30 and 10:45 pm. “Can’t wait for that early wake up call for Australia and the Republic of Ireland.”

Sources indicate that Harrington has reportedly stocked their house with Coffee, Redbull and even Yerba Mate cans in an effort to try to stay awake for the late night/early morning games.

“Spain v Costa Rica! HELL YEAH! I’m THERE,” stated Harrington to friends on a bombastic group chat. “It’s gonna be a PARTY!”

Friends reportedly are concerned that Harrington might be writing checks their body can’t cash, but they remain defiant.

“I told D.A. that the last time I remember them staying out past 11:30 pm was 5 years ago and they texted out of meeting the next day for lunch because… and I quote…. ‘I’m literally dead. DECEASED,’ so I’m not holding my breath on that early game,” stated good friend Paula Williams.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Harrington excuses themselves from the Zambia vs Japan watch party and the England vs Haiti watch party and the Denmark and China watch party and really everything on the 22nd of July after completely overdoing it during the United States vs Vietnam game.

4th Of July Rainout Forces Rapids To Reschedule First Home Win Of 2023 For September 16th

Denver, CO - Due to the extreme and persistent rain during the 4th of July game, the Colorado Rapids announced that they were forced to reschedule the first home win of the 2023 season for September 16th against the New England Revolution.

“The rainout pushed our first home win of 2023 to another date,” stated the Rapids press release. “Any home fans looking for a win at Dick's Sporting Goods Park are welcome to join us in September as we celebrate our first victory since 2022 during the month of September 2023.”

Disappointed fans were informed that their tickets to the cancelled fireworks and first home win of the 2023 season game would be honored for another day where they will play out a moribund 45 minute draw.

“Yeah, I’m definitely going to go see two of the worst teams in the league again,” stated one anonymous fan.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Rapids continue to find new ways to lose at home.

Shocking Family, QSMNT Fan Posts Insane Conspiracy Rant To Instagram Instead Of Threads

Omaha, NE - QSMNT fan Robert Hays inadvertently posted an insane conspiracy rant about the US Soccer Federation (USSF), Gregg Berhalter, and — as Hays called them — the, “east coast elite,” to his milquetoast Instagram page shocking family and long time friends as he claimed to ladle out the truth about the situation.

“Rob and I go way back and I always would see occasional pictures of him playing with the boys or going to a baseball or soccer game,” stated occasional hang out friend Demitri Williams. “I had no idea he was um…. this ….. um… fucking weird, man. Wow.”

Sources say that distant friends thought it was a joke as they posted HA HA responses to the story only to get a response from Hays himself saying, “OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES OR YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM YOU MLS SYCOPHANTS.”

Hays himself stated that he was caught off guard by all this as he claimed that he usually tries to keep his Instagram pictures of visiting the Zoo on a weekend and moody pictures of storm clouds separate from his wholesale campaign to accuse the USSF of orchestrating the downfall of the professional game of soccer in the United States by appointing Gregg Berhalter, implementing draconian rules to prevent youth transfers abroad, and probably, “some kind of youth blood drinking pedophile shit.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hays states, “fuck it, they need to know,” and doubles down on his toxic posting.

"They Don't Hate Me Over There Yet," States Excited Merritt Paulson As He Creates Threads Account

Portland, OR - An excited Merritt Paulson reportedly stated, “they don’t hate me over there yet,” as he created a new Instagram Threads account to, “interact with the common fans.”

Sources say that Paulson was positively giddy with the prospect for a fresh start as he claimed, “now I don’t have to deal with all the Twitter losers, loudmouths, and mouth breathers that don’t know what they are talking about.”

Those who are already on Threads, such as The Nutmeg News, reported that Paulson began by taking prolific bloggers to task over their recent assessment of the Timbers 2023 season being a heaving garbage fire by stating that they were, “sanctimonious doom monger know-it-alls,” and, “absolute idiots.”

“They are the reason beer prices are so high,” stated Paulson to his Threads account.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Paulson pauses, enables, pauses, enables and then pauses the @MerrittPaulson account before creating a new one to use to yell at fans anonymously.