USMNT Draw Proclaimed A Huge Victory For Angry US Soccer Reply Guys On Twitter

INTERNET - Angry US Soccer Reply Guys claimed a major victory as the United States Men’s National Team drew 0-0 against England at the 2022 Qatar Dead Migrant Worker World Cup.

“I’ve never been so happy to have so many of my preconceived notions about this team come true,” stated @AmericaFirstEagleUSMNT. “This just proves that GGG is GGGONE if he was (mls sucks) with a better team (mls sucks) or a better management and MLS Sucks.”

Sources indicate that United States Twitter was overrun by reply guys, self nominated pundits, podcast hosts and youtube talking heads who immediately took to the internet to voice their opinion on how to fix everything wrong with the team’s implosion and/or tell everyone else that this was a great result.

“We saw a massive spike of people complaining to other people about the players both being good and being bad and the manager being both good and bad and the federation being bad,” stated one online researcher. “The consensus was that other fans needed to know that this was a great terrible result full of great and terrible moments that somehow these other fans that needed to know that everything was good and bad at the same time heralding the dawn of a new era and also the decline of the sport locally until everything gets fixed. This corresponded with people replying to other people saying Major League Soccer sucks and others rebutting that statement by saying that Major League Soccer is the best, other than England, Germany, Italy and parts of the Dutch league.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Colorado Springs USMNT fan Daniel Anderson takes time to proclaim that the US is the best nation in the world.

Ebullient Alexi Lalas Acclaims The Experience Of Ordering A Migrant's Passport And Wages To Be Taken During Qatar World Cup Press Junket

Qatar - Fox Sports talking head Alexi Lalas was reportedly over the moon during a recent Qatar World Cup press junket as the television personality was able to experience the thrill of ordering a migrant's passport and wages to be taken in order to keep them in indentured servitude

“If you want to experience the rich cultural history of the leaders of Qatar you have to really get in with their customs,” stated Lalas as he ordered another migrant worker without travelling rights to sleep in a corrugated steel shack without air conditioning in the desert. “This is the best way to experience the world cup.”

Sources indicate that Lalas stated, “freedom is never free,” as he ordered a welder to have their pay docked for heatstroke.

“It’s important we observer the rich cultural traditions of the leaders of this land,” stated Lalas through an interpreter. “Such as denying LGBTQ people their right to exist.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Lalas posts a picture update to his twitter account of him notifying the family of a Nepalese migrant worker of the death of their father with the headline, “what are we upset about today, tweeps!”

USL Headquarters In Sponsorship Discussions With ITT Tech

Tampa, FL - Sources within the USL Headquarters in Tampa indicate that there are advanced negotiations going on with the league and the “Education Facility” ITT Tech.

“We think that ITT Technology will allow our less skilled players an opportunity to advance in life by pursuing a career in refrigeration technician or ball-bearing greaser,” stated one insider.

According to those privy to the deal, ITT Tech will become the official education sponsor of the USL Championship and they will offer 2 and a half credits to every player who applies for student loans during the 2023 and 2030 seasons.

“This is really a groundbreaking partnership that far exceeds the opportunities you can get at DeVry,” stated one league insider. “We all know that this will attract the best players from just outside of Cleveland to play in this league if they know that they could also have a future as a diesel mechanic.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS considers a partnership with Grand Canyon University.

ISC Conference Planners Ask LAFC Fans To Avoid Throwing Bottles And Cups At Other Attendees

Albuquerque, NM - ISC Conference 2023 planners reportedly reached out to LAFC fans to ask them to avoid throwing bottles and cups at other attendees of the annual get together, otherwise they may be restricted from going to the event.

“We felt that this should be a welcome event for everyone,” stated one anonymous member. “And honestly throwing bottles, cans or plastic cups at another fan is not something we want people to start doing.”

Sources indicate that the members of the 3252, amongst other LA groups, have pushed back stating that, “no one that’s a member threw anything at anyone and anyway throwing bottles at players and fans is how we support our team if any of us did it which we did not.”

However, despite that statement, the conference planning committee put in a place a, “no bottles or cans at the meeting,” policy to deter any potential accidents.

“It’s important to avoid anyone getting a bottle thrown at them,” stated one committee member. “And we will do our best to ensure that doesn’t happen even if we have to prohibit the ability of our members to drink anything while there.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as LAFC fans point to other fans as being the real bottle throwers in the league.

Cryogenically Frozen Big Soccer Admin Awakens From 12 Year Slumber

INTERNET - Sources indicate that the cryogenically frozen forum administrator for Big Soccer awakened from a 12 year slumber as the cracks in Twitter began to spread like the end of days.

“FINALLY. MY TIME HAS COME,” stated the administrator who immediately looked into the log files and asked about what Kanye West was up to these days. “MY MINIONS WILL TAKE OVER ALL SOCCER DISCUSSION AS WE MOVE FORWARD TOWARD…….. HOLY. SHIT………. QATAR?!.”

People in the know indicated that the administrator began work on correcting the MLS forums as clearly someone had hacked into the databased to add teams as a joke.

“NO ONE CARES ABOUT SOCCER IN THE SOUTH. WE SETTLED THIS BACK BEFORE JOHN O’BRIEN RETIRED. DID YOU KNOW ABOUT JOHN O’BRIEN? BEST USMNT PLAYER EVER. PLAYED FOR AJAX.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Administrator asks about whether he can still get repped.

Soccer Fan Quickly Posts Hot Takes To Twitter In Advance Of Platform's Impending Collapse

NEW YORK - Stating, “I gotta get these things out before no one sees them,” soccer fan Javier Garcia quickly posted, “Promotion Relegation is a lie,” followed by, “Dax McCarty WAS AN OVERRATED METRO PLAYER,” followed by, “No one actually cares how many migrants died to build the World Cup,” before he refreshed to see if Twitter still existed

Friends state that Garcia become fidgety after he realized that there was a chance that his 48 followers wouldn’t know the full truth that he lived with every day.

“He kept talking about how everyone needs to know these facts,” stated one anonymous friend. “And then he said that he has nothing to lose anymore.”

Sources indicate that Garcia quickly posted more and more incendiary “facts” to his account with the only interruption being a momentary post to ask his followers if he was shadowbanned due to the lack of engagement.

“There’s no time left,” stated Garcia to his account. “Everything from my brain must be emptied into the garbage dump of Twitter. It’s the only way that I will be reborn free from this site. All things must flow according to the whim of the Musk and then we will awaken in a new era of consciousness free from Twitter….. yes… free from Social Media!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garcia gets a surprise call from Human Resources about some of his strident online views.

Area Man Already Angry At Unreleased USMNT Roster

Omaha, NE - USMNT super fan Steve Williams tweeted, “BERHALTER OUT WITH THIS SHIT,” as he reacted to the un-released USMNT roster in advance of the release.

“This roster is HORSESHIT,” stated Williams to the scenarios he created in his head. “We will never be a true soccer country until we clean the entire structure of US Soccer so that our best prospects playing in the 2nd French division receive a call up over any MLS Player”

Sources indicate that Williams was likely to be upset about any lineup as he frequently found reasons to hate literally everything the team did. However many people said that was being unfair.

“He only hates what Greg Berhalter does,” stated friend Cathy Evans. “Well and Bruce Arena, Bob Bradley, Sunil Gulati, and the entirety of Major League Soccer, every player that’s every played for Major League Soccer and Steve Sampson who he actually never watched coach a USMNT game.”

The Nutmeg News as Williams takes to his Twitter account to tell people to expect a live Podcast reaction on his youtube channels instagram feed about the situation.

Don Garber Announces, "DO Cross The line," Campaign

LOS ANGELES - At his State Of The Union speech, Commissioner Don Garber announced a new DO Cross The Line campaign for MLS ownership groups.

“We’ve been too strict with the morality monitoring in recent years,” stated Garber to gathered reporters. “I still regret that we removed Dell Loy Hansen from ownership and the Jorge Vergara situation was just unfortunate. I am announcing a new DO Cross The Line Campaign that will free up our ownership groups to do whatever they want at any time without repercussion.”

Sources indicate that the DO Cross The Line campaign will educate owners that they can get away with literally anything they want as long as they are making money for the league.

“Owners have been informed that impeding an investigation, sexually harassing women, sexually assaulting women, racial abuse, blackmailing cities for public money investments into stadiums and stating repeated willful falsehoods to the paying customers are all ok, as long as the team is bringing in the cash to the league,” stated one league insider.

“The DO Cross The Line campaign will start with a series of videos on how to arrange after hours hotel visits between male executives and female staff before breaking out into groups discussing ways to deflect public accusations of sexual harassment.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Commissioner Garber announces that Merritt Paulson will receive a bonus for having more than 2 ongoing investigations into his team over the past year.

OPINION: What If The Most Outlaw Thing Anyone Can Do Is Turn In Their Fellow Fans Who Are Critical Of Qatar In Order to Get A Free Trip

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from A Fan of Omaha, NE The viewpoints and opinions of A. Fan do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

“Websters defines an Outlaw as one that is unconventional or rebellious. With the report breaking today of the beneficial nature of the relationship between the American Outlaws and state regime that runs Qatar, I ask you, the reader, what is more rebellious than turning in our own fans who are critical of the government and human rights record of Qatar for free a free trip.

“I believe…. I believe that…. I believe that Qatar didn’t enslave migrants, withhold passports and kill workers in order to hold the World Cup”

Throughout the whole of human history we have seen daring rebels take on the establishment.

When Sid Vicious smashed a guitar on stage, that was the equivalent of turning in a few twitter accounts that detailed the detailed the deaths of migrant workers in Qatar for a chartered flight

When Johnny Cash flipped off the camera for that poster that hangs on my wall, that was the equivalent of getting free tickets for reporting fans who made private posts on Facebook that are critical of the extreme homophobic laws that Qatar has which will endanger fans at the World Cup.

When Scarface did that line of coke, that’s exactly the same as me getting private access to the temporary beer areas and a trailer of my own to sleep in if I turn in a few more fans for tweeting that Qatar practiced a form of slavery by not allowing migrant workers to leave while also not paying them.

There is nothing more American Outlaw than our rebellious nature and I say the biggest rebels of all are the ones that willingly endanger and turn on their own fans in order to gain access to the glorious nation of Qatar and the World Cup that will be the best ever held. GO QATAR.”