Faithful Timbers Fan Still Waiting In Online Queue For MLS Cup Presale

Portland, OR - Staring at his computer for the 19th day in a row, Timbers fan Michael Williams stated that he was confident that he would be next in line to purchase tickets from the Seat Geek marketplace.

“I renewed my tickets for 2022 like they asked,” stated Williams. “I am confident that I’m going to get my opportunity in this first presale to purchase the tickets I need to attend the cup game at home.”

According to friends, Williams has completely isolated himself from any other news, activity or life other than waiting for the tickets as he perpetually stands guard waiting for his opportunity to purchase.

“It will come, as they claimed. The Timbers, Merritt Paulson, and our ticketing staff set up a fair system that is weighted based upon special season ticket holders who already renewed for 2022. I’m very confident that I’m going to get my opportunity to purchase tickets. After the tickets come the cup. After the cup comes the parade. After the parade comes the purchasing of limited edition Timbers merchandise from their online shop. After the purchasing I can finally sleep.”

Family reportedly attempted to reach out to Williams in order to reason with him but he stated that, “I keep my vigil! I KEEP MY VIGIL! The game is not over, it has not even begun! There is no way that they would leave a valued member of their upper echelon Axe Society fanbase repeat membership since 2011 to rot alone in this online queue. My name is on a plaque inside the stadium! This is clearly just a test to prove how much of a fan that I am. I will serve my emperor in all things Timbers until he tells me that my watch is ended. The war has just begun!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams debates about whether to refresh his browser or call Seat Geek customer service before he cleanses himself of these doubts by knotting up a Timbers bathrobe into a cat of nine tails and flagellating himself in front of a picture of Merritt Paulson holding MLS Cup from 2015.

Insigne Asks Lawyer To Check For Spelling Error On Torino Contract

Naples, ITALY - Napoli and Italian national team player Lorenzo Insigne reportedly asked his lawyer to double check for a spelling error on his upcoming Torino contract as he looked over the last details on his move away from Napoli.

“Right there,” stated Insigne, “It looks like there’s an ONT where there should be an I. Please Iron that out so we can finalize the deal.”

According to insider sources, Insigne is excited about his upcoming payday and ability to stay somewhat close to home as he attempts to take Torino FC up to the top of Serie A over the next few years.

“Please check, I don’t want to get it mixed up with Toronto FC. That’d not only spark a big debate about the world standing of MLS, but I don’t like the cold, and… to be very honest….. I consider Drake to be a very average musician.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Insigne gets another ominous call from a Tim Hortons PR rep.

FC Dallas Fanbase Submits Transfer Request To VfL Wolfsburg

Dallas, TX - In light of another fan favorite player leaving the team, the collected fanbase of Major League Soccer (MLS) side FC Dallas submitted a transfer request to allow them to leave for VfL Wolfsburg.

“It is apparent that we’ve outgrown this club,” stated the FC Dallas fanbase. “As such, we would like FC Dallas to respect our wishes and allow us to move to Wolfsburg where we feel like we can continue to develop.”

With Dallas reportedly inches away from transferring Ricardo Pepi to the German club, sources say that the front office is loathe to move the entire fanbase there unless they can get allocation money in return.

“The concern is that we won’t be able to get enough developing prospects to make it worth our while,” stated one FC Dallas insider. “It’s not that we mind losing the entire Dallas fanbase to Wolfsburg, but can we get a USL youth prospect that we can eventually flip to Red Bull Salzburg? Well, that’s the big question.”

None of this has stopped the FC Dallas fans from clamoring for their release, however, as they continue to indicate that they want out.

“No more,” stated Aaron Stewart, of Oak Lawn. “I just want to have the transfer to Wolfsburg go through so I can show everyone on Instagram my new allegiances. They are dragging this on for far too long. ANNOUNCE ME! ANNOUNCE ME MOVING”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Wolfsburg executives debate whether they can offer 2 conditional future MLS draft picks for all of the FC Dallas fans in Plano.

Gifted Manchester United Scarf Ensures Fair-Weather US Fan Will Keep Up Charade Of Supporting Team For Another Year

Omaha, NE - A gifted Manchester United scarf given to fair-weather fan David Hughes will reportedly require Hughes to keep up the charade of being a fan for another year as he said a dispirited, “thank you,” to good friend and avid soccer fan Phil Kincaid.

“One year I got out to the bar with him and I’m a Manchester United fan for life,” stated Hughes to The Nutmeg News. “Every fucking boxing day…. EVERY YEAR… I can’t escape it.”

According to Hughes, he went with Kincaid to watch the game, five years ago, for the novel idea of drinking during the morning and getting away from the family. However, Kincaid took this as a sign of Hughes undying devotion to the team.

“It’s our thing,” stated Kincaid. “We take some time away from the family to watch the boys in red play. It’s a great tradition and it really helps that David is such an avid fan.”

For his part, Hughes stated that he will again spend the next 365 days exchanging text messages with Kincaid talking about how much he misses Alex Ferguson.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hughes steps out on Kincaid by watching a Manchester City game with with new friend Thomas Zubaj.

OL Reign Announce 2023 Move Back To Tacoma And 2024 Move To Spokane

Seattle, WA - After announcing a 2022 move back to Seattle from Tacoma, National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) side Olympique Lyonnais Reign announced a 2023 move back to Tacoma followed by a 2024 move to Spokane, to increase attendance.

“We are announcing our plans early in order to allow enough support to build over the next year and a half to truly make our move to Spokane a grand debut,” stated OL Reign CEO Bill Predmore. “Given enough time, we will find a place where we can generate enough interest in our team to keep them in one place, or we will just move them back to Tacoma.”

Sources indicate that players are worried that the move will take a toll on their already meager finances, but are resigned to the move happening as one anonymous player stated, “Well…. It’s better than Fife.”

However, fans in the Seattle area are reportedly incensed at the constant moving as they claim that, “Moving a team nearly every two years is no the way to build a fanbase.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as OL Reign announce a move to Cheney, Washington.

FC Cincinnati Fan Feels Ill After Wooden Spoon Included In Cutlery Gift Set

Cincinnati, OH - FC Cincinnati fan Davy Hernandez reportedly excused himself to the bathroom after realizing that a cutlery set given to him for Christmas by his extended family contained a wooden spoon.

Stating, "Oh fuck, not again," Hernandez rushed to the bathroom for the rest of the gift opening with his in-laws. “The ladle and salad forks were awesome, they fit with my kitchen décor, but I can’t help to think that my in-laws are making fun of me with the wooden spoon inclusion. Who includes a wooden spoon? WHO EVEN NEEDS ONE,” stated a retching Hernandez as he scrolled the hashtag and repeated the litany against fear.

"We looked high and low for the RIGHT set for Davy, and this was the gift,” stated Tom and Carla Overbeek. “I just don’t understand why he went pale when he opened it, It’s not like we got him a Kevin Schindler kit.”

For his part, Hernandez stated that he was confident that his sick feeling would pass as he stated, “Well, I’ve been through this before in 2021, 2020, and 2019.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hernandez just scrolls through Instagram reels from the dark corner of the couch and slowly stares off into the distance.

Ted Unkel Retirement Has Man Questioning Who He Will Now Blame For Teams Terrible Play

Orlando, FL - Orlando City SC fan Trevor Hughes stated that the recent retirement of Ted Unkel has him questioning who he will now blame for the terrible play and horrible losses of Orlando City.

“I could always just scream profanities at Ted and blame him for the loss,” stated Hughes to The Nutmeg News. “But now I’m going to be dangerously close to actually blaming the team and the front office for losses.”

Hughes was aghast when he found out that his favorite punching bag was leaving the referee ranks, and felt even more overwhelmed when he realized Alan Kelly was gone.

“Look, I blame the referees, during the game and after. It’s what I do. What am I supposed to do? Blame the players for making the foul? Blame the ownership for buying the players? That’s a slippery slope. It’s ALWAYS the referee’s fault.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hughes concentrates all of his efforts on the fact that Chris Penso is going to cost Orlando City the playoffs in 2022.

Merritt Paulson Promotes Ticketing Senior Vice President After He Antagonizes Timbers Fans Online

Portland, OR - After losing to NYCFC on penalties in MLS Cup 2021, Merritt Paulson announced that he would be promoting Senior Vice President Joe Cote to a higher position in the organization and giving him a bonus after Cote intentionally antagonized fans on Twitter hours after the Timbers lost.

“This is the kind of behavior I look for from my Senior Vice President and I hope it continues,” stated Paulson in a release online.

Cote went on Twitter to antagonize fans using private emails to call a fan out online hours after the 2021 Cup loss as he “Merritt Paulson’d” Timbers fans.

“I remain proud of Joe and I hope he tells the other fake fans to take off. We don’t need fans like them and never did,” stated Paulson.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Paulson goes after all the other fans in the stadium for not doing enough to get the Timbers a win.

NYCFC Announce Victory Parade To Be Held In Hartford, Connecticut

NEW YORK - MLS Champion New York City Football Club (NYCFC) today announced that due to a busy holiday schedule that their victory parade would he held at the site of their legendary 1-0 win over Toronto FC in Hartford, Connecticut.

“We attempted to contact the New York City permits and licenses department to authorize a parade for our champions but they told us they were busy due to the holiday season,” stated one NYCFC source. “So instead we will take our championship to Hartford. We hope that our passionate fanbase will understand.”

Fans were reportedly infuriated at this move as the stated that this showed a, “level of disrespect to the sport and the team.’

However, Jeremy Grant, of Brooklyn, stated that he, “much preferred travelling to Hartford for this than Harrison because they don’t have any cups out there.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as NYCFC offer a 2-1 coupon on transportation out to Hartford.

Portland Timbers Owner Hank Paulson Calls For Bailout Of Seatgeek

Portland, OR - Concerned about the viability and effect of website outages causing a severe drop in ticket purchases, Portland Timbers owner Hank Paulson called for an immediate bailout of the ticket reseller Seatgeek.

“The longer this website is not functional, the more that I am troubled that we will not be able to service our fans with $500 general admission tickets,” stated Paulson to his staff.

According to insiders, Paulson called for the Timbers fans to use hundreds of billions of dollars to help Seatgeek clean up nonperforming tickets threatening the liquidity of the reseller.

“We MUST stabilize our ticket market. This could have a dire domino effect to the rest of the world. If Seatgeek fails then Ticketmaster, Stubhub and Vivid Seats are next! We MUST inject a high amount of capital into Seatgeek NOW!”

Paulson said he was disgusted to see fans who didn’t get tickets today. “That’s 500 dollars they could be spending that could build our great atmosphere, which lets be honest, is a fair price for the experience of America’s greatest soccer atmosphere.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as members of the Timbers Army respond with a 13 post twitter thread.

Linguistics Professors Excited As Revolution Introduce MLS Next Pro Team "Revolution II, Too"

INTERNET - Linguists were excited when the New England Revolution announced that they would enter a team in the MLS Next Pro league called New England Revolution II, Too.

“We’re so excited that the front office of the team is keeping the original Revolution II, while also having another youth team that is also Revolution II but different than the original,” stated Professor Jefferson Torrence, director of Symbology and Linguistics at Harvard of Toledo. “It's the Revolution II, Too, or the Revolution II, As Well. I am very excited about this new intersection of language and sporting teams. It really allows a fully esoteric branch of naming conventions.”

Sources say that the team worked with experts to identify a way to delineate between the Revolution II and the Revolution II, Too and felt that this was a clear way to chart a path forward.

“I’m very impressed they didn’t do the trite Revolution II.5 that we here in the linguistics community were expecting,” stated Professor Tony Williams. “This is a clear definition, but also an artful display of language. The comma usage alone is absolutely top class. As we all know, when using the word too, you only need to use a comma before it for emphasis. According to The Chicago Manual of Style, a comma before too should be used only to note an abrupt shift in thought. This comma usage clearly delineates between Revolution II in USL League One and Revolution II, Too in MLS Next Pro.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as North Texas SC renames to Dallas FC II, But Also Not Really.

NYCFC Fan Excited To Travel To Portland For The First Time Since Proud Boys Rally

NEW YORK - NYCFC supporter Tony Aaronson stated that he was excited to travel to Portland for the first time since the Portland Proud Boys rally as he readied for the upcoming MLS Cup game.

“Excited to be returning to this beautiful city for pleasure instead of work this time.” said Aaronson. “It’s a different kind of scarf and banners trip this time.”

Attempting to keep it casual, Aaronson stated that he would be bringing his Fred Perry shirt, but this time in NYCFC colors.

“This is NYCFC colors, that’s it… I promise,” stated Aaronson as he stuffed a blue lined American flag into his bag. “I’m just out there to support the boys.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Aaronson double checks to see if he’s on a no fly list.

Two Time Schuykill River Men's Recreational Soccer League Over 40 Goalkeeper Of The Year Makes Himself Available To The Philadelphia Union

Philadelphia, PA - After reports started coming in of potentially a massive number of Philadelphia Union players being out due to health and safety concerns, Gary Evans, the two time Schuykill River Men’s recreational over 40 goalkeeper of the year, made himself available to the team.

“I’m ready to go,” stated Evans through his agent, himself. “I’ve got my gloves and I already am starting to stretch and I should be loosened up by the time the game kicks off tomorrow as long as I don’t forget my glucosamine and my theragun.”

With 11 players potentially out including Andre Blake and Joe Bendik, Evans seized the opportunity to put himself into the spotlight.

“I’m fit, I’m in good form and I’m ready to go,” stated Evans. “Trust me when I say that I can cover the net and the field. I can even play as a striker if needed. I’ve been known to score a cheeky goal form time to time and still make it back to play my position.”

Sources privy to the details of Evans demands of the Union indicate that Evans asked for the #! kit, a roll of athletic KT tape and a centerback who can take goalkicks for him as he, “just doesn’t have the distance.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Union try to call up everyone from the USL.

Philadelphia Union Offer One Supporters Group Seat To NYCFC Away Fans

Philadelphia, PA - Sources with the supporters groups of NYCFC indicate that the Philadelphia Union have restricted their available seats for the upcoming playoff game even further as the Union offered one supporters group seat to NYCFC away fans.

If you look with binoculars you can make out the individual seat high up on the bridge in the distance.

“We know these dudes like to steal seats too, so were minimizing our sacrificing to one chair,” sated one anonymous Union employee. “It’s not rude, it’s a precaution.”

Publicly, Union officials feel they are justified as they stated, “It’s not about maximizing home field advantage, it’s about being fair to the millions of Union fans who want to see us in the playoffs, and them adding to the home feel to our players.”

However, the undue restrictions have NYCFC fans crying foul as they queued up in an online distribution system to see which lucky fan would be able to take in the upcoming playoff game.

“This is completely and utterly isnane and a total betrayal of supporters group culture and the very fabric of soccer in the entirety of the world…… but at least I don’t have to travel to Hartford again, so that’s a win,” stated one NYCFC fan.

The Nutmeg News will have more as the Philadelphia Union figure out during which designated 2 minute slot the NYCFC fan can perform chants.

Chicago Red Stars "December To Remember" Sales Event Features Low Mileage Midfielders And Lease Options On Goalkeepers

CHICAGO - On a day filled with blockbuster trades, the Chicago Red Stars, today, launched their “December To Remember,” sale as they moved six players to other teams in the league.

“WE ARE WHEELING AND DEALING AND OPEN FOR BUSINESS,” stated the Red Stars staff. “Look at this low mileage midfielder! Why she barely has any game time at all!”

Sources indicate that the Red Stars were offering low financing options and signing gifts for the teams if they decide to take a player home.

“Buy one get one 50% off,” stated the Red Stars advertisement. “Each midfielder comes with a set of practice cones, a Chipotle gift card, and a 30 day money back guarantee. Come take a look at our goalkeepers now available at our low, low 3% interest rates.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Red Stars claim that the terms and conditions of the sale indicate that you can’t return a player if they break down once they leave the team.