Fans Of Teams In Major League Soccer Launch Drive To Raise Awareness Of Their Passionate Dislike Of The League

INTERNET - Select fans of teams in Major League Soccer (MLS) reportedly banded together to launch a drive to raise awareness of their passionate dislike of the league.

“We are not a monolith,” stated one anonymous supporter. “I’ve disliked MLS since my team went into this shit league and as a person who has roughly $326 dollars in the bank there is nothing I could do to stop them. I just want everyone to know that just because my team is in this shithole league that I’m not some kind of walking mouthpiece.”

One supporter was vehement in his opposition to MLS and their business practices as he stated, “I spent years watching my team before they went to MLS and I’m not going to let them kill my love of this team. But if you think that I automatically support this league and all of their dumbass rules and machinations, well… I can guarantee you that is not true.”

Sources say that the group of fans are organizing and collaborating on literature for new fans to come to terms with their team or adopted team being in MLS. One such effort is a pamphlet on grief and acceptance entitled, “so your team decided to join Major League Soccer.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as people online call them sheep.

40% Off Coupon Of Specific Merchandise (Online Only) Really Soothes Burn Of Completely Losing Team

McAllen, TX - Fans of the Rio Grande Valley FC Toros state that the 40% off coupon of specific merchandise (online only) published just 4 days ago really soothes the burn of completely losing their local soccer team as they reacted online to the dissolution of the Toros today.

“Boy, I was going to be upset that I just spent money on some merchandise 4 days ago only to find out there wont be any future seasons, but those discounts are DEEP,” stated one anonymous fan.

“Hey, it’s crushing not to be able to take my children to a game in the future, but WOW this ownership group is really helping us out this holiday season to be able to give the gift of the crushing realization that there’s no local team anymore,” stated another Toros fan.

“My nine year old son started weeping when I told him the news, but I let him know that we could use the 40% off coupon to purchase specific merchandise to remind him forever of the thing he loved that is now dead,” stated another Toros fan.

For their part, the RGV ownership group did not return our calls, instead redirecting them to the social media manager.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as this happens in other locations.

MLS Apologizes For US Open Cup SNAFU By Raising Beer Prices

CHICAGO - Major League Soccer, today, said that they were apologizing for the SNAFU with the US Open Cup by raising beer prices at all venues.

“We realize that this announcement caught many of our dedicated fans by surprise,” stated one league spokesman. “So in light of this we are raising beer prices by $1.50 at every stadium, regardless of location, beer or pre-existing negotiated deal.”

Sources say that the league sees this as, ultimately, a benefit for the fan as they believe that this will add value to the league.

“If you look at beer prices in the NFL, we are lagging FAR behind,” stated one MLS owner/operator. “Raising our beer prices by $1.50 is just another way of closing the gap with the most popular league in the United States.”

Fans were reportedly shocked by the news as many were already finding it difficult to justify purchasing their favorite beverage in the stands.

“Wait, this doesn’t make sense at all,” stated one fan. “I’m just going to start sneaking in liquor.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS debates adding a three point line.

Worst Guy You Know Drops Everything To Spend Weekend Defending MLS On Reddit

INTERNET - Alex Gustoffson, a self-proclaimed contrarian and free-thinker, apparently dropped everything he was doing including recording his men’s rights podcast in order to spend the weekend defending Major League Soccer (MLS) on Reddit as he stated, “Someone must STAND UP for these corporations.”

Posting in a thread about the abandonment of the US Open Cup by MLS, Gustoffson went after anyone who was upset by the decisions of Major League Soccer as he stated, “Of course Reddit is the kind of hivemind that can’t see how much better this is for the league. No one watches the US Open Cup. It sucks, now bring on the downvotes.”

Sources say that Gustoffson spent the last year popping into any post that is even semi critical of the league in order to back commissioner Don Garber and the ownership groups of Major League Soccer regardless of the reason as he stated, “We can’t let these corporations feel like we don’t have their back.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Gustoffson opens up a second browser tab and logs into his Twitter Blue account in order to make certain to reach the “leftist hive-mind on X.”

Major League Soccer Announces Formation Of US Closed Cup Tournament

CHICAGO - In light of Major League Soccer abandoning the oldest soccer tournament open to any men’s team at any organized level of competition in the United States, league officials today announced the 2024 US Closed Cup, an invitation only tournament sponsored by Doritos 4 Loko.

“The US Closed Cup reflects exactly the kind of exclusionary mindset we need to cultivate on this grind,” stated Don Garber, commissioner of Major League Soccer. “What we need less of is the history of the Fall River Marksmen and more of the future history of friendly tournaments between Miami and Al Hilal.”

Sources say that insiders were aghast at the cold shoulder given by Major Leauge Soccer to the 109 year old institution however they were quickly assured that, “This is really making all the millionaires and billionaires extremely happy.”

For their part, the owner investors of the league stated, “We could really give a rats ass what the fans want. What we need is more money. RAISE THE BEER PRICES.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the future will record the stupidity of Don Garber during his life and he really won’t care.

Bruce Arena Ready To Put Whatever It Is That He Actually Did Behind Him

INTERNET - Former New England Revolution head coach Bruce Arena asked for patience and acceptance by whoever needs to give it as he claimed that he was ready to put whatever he did to whoever he did it to for whatever reason he did that won’t be explained behind him.

“I’m ready to move on from this situation that isn’t going to be explained to anyone,” stated Arena through Don Garber. “It’s been a long for me after my six week suspension for .. um…. you know…. SOMETHING lead to my resignation over whatever … you know…. WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE. However, It’s great to be back.”

With Arena cleared by the commissioner after being contrite for something to someone or something or possibly a group of people or possibly one person or possibly really anything, he was ready to throw his hat back into the coaching ring as soon as possible.

“I promise that what I did or didn’t do or whatever it is that you THINK I did I won’t do again or rather it wasn’t that big of a deal and the whole thing is really nothing,” stated Arena through Garber.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we attempt to find out that he did what he did or didn’t do or didn’t admit to but did do to someone who may or may not have not or did come forward for something they also did or didn’t do or didn’t say that they did which lead to something or nothing or everything all at once.

Disappointed Luis Suarez Admits Allure Of Going To MLS Is Gone With No Chance To Taste Giorgio Chiellini Again

PORTO ALEGRE - A disappointed Luis Suarez admitted that most of the allure of going to Major League Soccer (MLS) is now gone with no chance for him to be able to taste the sweet and supple flesh of Giorgio Chiellini again after the player retired, today.

Image: ESPN

“I’ve tasted a few humans and Chiellini had the best flavor,” stated Suarez to The Nutmeg News. “I couldn’t get the subtle flavors out of my mind and now I’ve lost that opportunity to sample him again.”

Nine years after Suarez sampled Chiellini at the World Cup Buffet, he admitted that he hadn’t lost the desire to sample that most forbidden of meats again.

“It always stuck with me, over the years,” stated Suarez. “9 years later and I can remember the taste like it was yesterday. Ivanovic was more of a bold flavor and Bakkal needed some salt. Chiellini was just right and now I’ve lost that opportunity. I’m just, personally, very deflated at the moment.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as David Beckham offers to have Chiellini flown into Ft Lauderdale for a taste test prior to the start of the season.

Inter Miami Add Two Dates In Saudi Arabia For Inaugural Jamal Khashoggi Pre Season Tournament

Ft Lauderdale, FL - Major League Soccer (MLS) team Inter Miami added two dates in Saudi Arabia against Al-Hilal SFC and Al Nassr FC as they finalized the Inaugural Jamal Kashoggi pre-season tournament for 2024.

“We thought that the best way to celebrate the life of a prominent critic of the government of Saudi Arabia who was killed by the government of Saudi Arabia was to hold a pre-season tour in Saudi Arabia. The fact that this game is for a large, large, very large, like enormous sum of money really has nothing to do with it,” stated one Miami representative.

Sources say that Inter Miami has instructed their internal coms and employees to lock down their online profiles and say absolutely nothing about the Crown Prince, the government, or any of the members of any royal family before and after the trip ends as they indicated that, “look, shit happens and they are likely gonna get away with it so don’t make us have to have a memorial soccer tournament for you in a few years, too.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Inter Miami schedule a friendly with CSKA Moscow in a USO aid tour package to help finance the future purchase of Mbappé.

Chicago Fire Announce Acquisition Of Cuauhtémoc Blanco As 2024 Designated Player

CHICAGO - On the heels of announcing Frank Klopas as their returning head coach, the Chicago Fire today announced the acquisition of 50 year old Club America forward Cuauhtémoc Blanco as a Designated Player for the 2024 season.

“We needed to make a statement in this market and what better way than to bring in one of the all time Mexican players in Blanco,” stated Yallop Klopas to gathered members of the media still covering the team. “Blanco is going to bring a scoring touch and a governing touch to the Fire as he patrols the field for 5 to 10 minutes every game.”

Sources say that the Fire also lobbied Major League Soccer to allow Blanco to play on a more rotational basis as they are concerned that he doesn’t have 90 minutes in his legs anymore.

“They really think he can give them five great minutes roughly every 30 minutes,” stated one anonymous Fire insider. “We believe Blanco can bring the magic back to Soldier Field.

Terms of the deal were not disclosed, but those in the know say that Blanco will be earning in excess of 4 Million dollars per year, a move that will hamstring the Fire for any further signings.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Fire announce sanctions against Sector Latino.

CORRECTION: We inadvertently stated that the head coach of the Fire was Frank Yallop and not Frank Klopas. We apologize for the mistake of naming the 2025 head coach (Yallop) instead of the 2024 head coach (Klopas) and will ensure that future articles will reflect the current head coach

We await Yallop replacing Klopas in January of 2025.