Major League Soccer Considers Moving Nashville SC To Austin

NEW YORK - Sources within Major League Soccer (MLS) indicate that the league is considering moving Nashville SC to Austin, Texas after running into an impasse with the construction of the stadium for the new franchise.

“Not good… not good at all!”

“Between this and the lack of local interest the league is just considering moving the team,” stated one MLS insider. “There’s a lot of problems they didn’t expect with Nashville and they figure that all of those problems will be fixed by a bunch of young people with money who live in Austin. Those people don’t care how they get a team, and now they can have two!”

Sources indicate that there is another team that will start soon in Austin but according to our sources this detail will not stop the move from happening.

“They will just have two teams in the area. Financial surveys indicate that there is a wealth of wealth in Austin and the league plans on getting some of that wealth. Plus what’s the worst thing that happens…. they destroy a wetlands to build a stadium? No one is going to care.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Nashville SC continues to soar.

Researchers Work On Turning Useless Outrage Over Kit Leaks Into A Useful Power Supply For Developing Countries

Cambridge, MA - Researchers at the Massachusetts Institute Of Technology (MIT) are reportedly working on turning useless outrage over the 2020 MLS Kit leaks into a useful power supply for developing countries around the world.

Just imagine all the children in Eritrea who may benefit from the unending twitter and facebook complaints over this kit!

“If we are able to channel all this angst, anger and useless rage over kit releases into something tangible, why we might be able to solve some of the world power issues,” stated MIT researcher Sandra Yang. “We know that there is almost an inexhaustible source of angst that exists and all that we need to do is harness this to service some kind of good in the world.”

Supporters across Major League Soccer are encouraged to really just let fly with all their complaints as they traditionally do this time of year as they are reminded to really think about the people without power or clean water in places like Haiti, Libya or the Sudan as they talk about subtle details and color schemes that they dislike.

“Please continue to vent about the three stripes on the shoulder,” stated Professor Yang. “Your complaint about corporate branding may bring relief to communities that you can’t even imagine provided we can figure out a way to turn your unending complaints into an actual power supply.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Yang admits that she and other researchers hope that Adidas continues to create kits for Major League Soccer so that their source of complaints doesn’t dry up.

"It's Only January And I'm Almost Too Numb To Give A Shit," States Soccer Supporter

WASHINGTON - D.C. United fan Wilson Evans expressed his exasperation with the world at large as he claimed, “It’s only January and I’m almost too numb to give a shit.”

NEVER A BAD TIME TO BE BUMMED OUT BY WHAT ROCKETS OUT OF YOUR CELLPHONE INTO YOUR BRAIN!

Furrowing his brows and rubbing his temples, the soccer fan admitted that between all the political maneuvering, the sense of fatalism that grips the Impeachment proceedings, the growing pandemic in China, the Australian fires, the Hong Kong protests, the continuing and growing divide between political factions, the scandals with the local D.C. council government, the inability of his paycheck to go up despite the increase in the cost of living, the rising costs of medical care, and the eternal, unending tenure of Jason Levien, Steve Kaplan and Ben Olsen that he really is at the limit to care about anything at this point.

“I’m supposed to be excited about the standing section,” stated Evans in a monotone voice as he kept glancing at the phone in his hand. “So, yeah. Anyway, um. What was I talking about?”

According to the statistics on his phone, the amount of hours Evans looks into the box of depression increased steadily over the last six months as he curiously ignores television shows and movies that he plays for himself at home in order to focus on whatever unbelievably awful news comes out of the screen of the iPhone in his hand.

“I saw a Red Bulls fan the other day when I was driving and I just didn’t give a shit. I thought about yelling something… you know… fuck yourself or something, but honestly I’ve got Uber, Lyft and Grubhub stickers on my car and I need to work these extra jobs if I’m going to afford some tickets this year.”

The Nutmeg News has more on this as an exasperated Evans sits at his coffee table and tries to rack his brain for any way he could possibly make more money or correct his life to some kind of existence where he doesn’t just watch Youtube travel channels and dream of something different.

Soccer Fan Now One Collection Of Empty Bags Away From Being A Hoarder

Detroit, MI - Between his collection of Detroit City team scarves, patches, memorabilia and his collection of various items from different teams across the world, soccer fan David Hughes admitted that he is really one collection of empty bags away from being a hoarder.

“Over here are my bins of scarves that I collected from teams in England organized by current division,” stated Hughes to our reporter as he pushed by a pile of team kits, signed programs and boxes full of bobbleheads. “And under my bed is one of the few places where…. oh… wait, this is where I put that supply of scarves that I didn’t like much but I bought in bulk anyway. It’s my job to save these things. Museums are going to want them. Look, over here… um…. somewhere….. is a collection of ticket stubs from some games back in 2014.”

Hughes said that he has been collecting different items for nearly 11 years as he started his addiction by acquiring a scarf from Preston North End back in 2009.

“It started with the thought that I should buy one from every team I visited. Then I decided I could just buy the ones that I liked. And then I thought I should definitely buy all the scarves from all the teams in England. Then I started buying scarves from teams in North America. Then I thought I was done but Detroit City FC started up and I kicked into overdrive by acquiring anything that had their logo on it, which wasn’t that much when it first started.”

Hughes stated that he actually doesn’t know exactly what he has in his one bedroom apartment as he frequently finds another tote of items that he didn’t remember buying over the past few years.

“I went through a phase of collecting bobbleheads, but I didn’t remember all the ephemera I started picking up like MLS Cereal boxes, random giveaways and that gigantic El Jimador MLS Tequila in-store display. I’m probably one collection of plastic bags away from being a hoarder,” stated Hughes with a laugh.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a flushed Hughes digs himself out of an avalanche of merchandise that buried him for 2 hours under a collection of totes that contain a litany of clear plastic bags branded with team logos.

Against Modern Football T-Shirt Added To Online Shopping Cart As Atlanta United Fan Crams 10 Year Existential Crisis Into 1 Off-Season

Atlanta, GA - The loss of Julian Gressel to D.C. United crammed a typical 10 year existential crisis that all soccer fans attempt to slowly numb with alcohol into one off-season for Atlanta United fan Joseph Wainright as he added an Against Modern Football t-shirt to the online shopping cart on Amazon.

“I really feel like I’ve packed in 10 years of being a fan over the past off-season or two,” stated Wainright to The Nutmeg News. “I’ve gone from feeling like my team is a club and a family to realizing that everyone is out for themselves and that my fandom is really a cosmic blip in a gigantic corporate machine dedicated towards profit. When Darlington Nagbe, Yamil Asad and now Julian Gressel leave doesn’t this show that our fandom of players is essentially meaningless and there’s no point in really anything?”

Wainright stated that he truly believed that Atlanta United was fostering a different connection between the players and the team and the fans and the town right before the loss of Julian Gressel pushed him over the edge into a numb and frustrated malaise that made him question what he was even really doing here in the first place and is this really any different than being a fan of the Falcons?

“I don’t know man,” stated Wainright as he picked at the corner of the fringe on his 2019 scarf. “I thought this sport was different somehow. The fans are real, but I thought it was going to be different. You know, something where we would feel a connection with the players and the team. Whatever this new stuff is I am against it, even if this is how most sports fans feel on any given day.”

Despite his dangerous flirtation with hindsight, Wainright indicated that he was coming to terms with the process.

“There’s only so many times that your favorite players and coaches can leave a team before you realize that they don’t mean anything anyway. I probably shouldn’t take this game so seriously this season, honestly,” stated Wainright as he drained another Hoplanta.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an apoplectic and raving Wainright curses out Julian Gressel and Carlos Bocanegra at the same time for the entirety of Gressel’s return visit to Atlanta.

15 Year Old WunderKid Signed By Toronto FC Really Highlights How Lazy Your Kid Is Being This Week

Experts say that the signing of 15 year old WunderKid Jahkeele Marshall-Rutty by Toronto FC is just another reminder of how lazy your shithead 15 year old is being this week.

“This signing is a perfect example of working hard and talent coalescing into one singular opportunity,” stated Dr. Larry Edmunds with the Koop Institute. “While your child is coming home from schools pulling a C average sitting on the couch too lazy to make pizza rolls and trying to figure out whether they are going to play fortnite or just pretend to watch YouTube videos while scrolling Instagram on their phone.”

Statistics released by the Koop Institute show that your kid is actually 200% lazier than Marshall-Rutty just by the fact that they doesn’t have a singular passion that they care about.

“Yes, in fact many parents think they are going to pass their passions along to their child when in fact all they do is pass on their un-diagnosed neurosis,” stated Dr. Edmunds. “I can guarantee that while Marshall-Rutty was hiring an agent that your kid was trying to figure out if they could watch a censored video on youtube without having it show up in their watch history.”

Other parents indicate that this is true as they castigated your kid for, “being a shiftless layabout looking for the system to help them,” as they told their own kids to, “figure FAFSA out on your own like I had to do.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as your kid already starts needling you about requiring a vacation to get rid of all the stress in their life right after you get home from the 12 hour shift you worked for the third day in a row.

Experts Indicate That Positive Chat Interactions During Youtube Stream Of NWSL Draft Just Further Proof Of The Coming End Days

NEW YORK - Experts with the Kato Kaelin Institute Of Climatology state that the recent positive chat interactions during the Youtube stream of the NWSL Draft are further proof of the coming end days of the world in general.

ANARCHY!

“People on a Youtube chat discussing facts and details in a positive matter are a clear sign of the end of the world,” stated scientist Dana Worther. “Many people look to the changing global climate as the proof, but we know that the canary in the coal mine can often be the polite nature of people online.”

Sources indicate that the NWSL Youtube draft chat was mostly positive in tone which freaked nearly everyone out that was online at that time as they continued to stare in disbelief and horror at the generally informative and kind interactions.

“This is like when everyone is kind to someone who is slowly being treated for a terminal cancer,” stated one veteran internet user. “I personally advise everyone to IMMEDIATELY start storing water, work on your animal snares and gathering, and prepare for the times when we hunt each other for sport in the underground thunderdome near the core of the earth.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we prepare for the great conflagration by fortifying our offices with barricades made out of discarded Washington Freedom merchandise.

Boston Breakers Still Required To Select Player In Third Round Of NWSL Draft

Baltimore, MD - News from sources in the National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) indicate that the now defunct Boston Breakers will be required to select a player in the third round of the NWSL draft regardless of their current operational status.

“Yes, they don’t exist,” stated one league insider. “However, we don’t have a commissioner or president to control these situations so at this point we need a representative from the Breakers to choose a player or trade some assets.”

Reports indicate that former head coach Matt Beard will make a selection via video conference and attempt to trade the player to another team that is still functioning as a team..

“There’s a lot of players out there that could do some damage either on the soccer field or around the house to help with a ADU renovation,” stated the insider to our reporter. “If they can’t trade her to a team like the Pride the least they could do is utilize her to help frame out the living room and install the insulation.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Breakers are offered allocation money for the player they draft.

AdvoCare ReHydrate Supporter Swears Off Major League Soccer After BODYARMOR Announcement

Dallas, TX - Stuart Anderson of Dallas reportedly spent the afternoon burning all his Major League Soccer merchandise after the announcement that Major League Soccer would be abandoning AdvoCare ReHydrate for BODYARMOR as the official sports drink of Major League Soccer.

BODYARMOR! Brought to you by useless ingredients, generic unverified claims and a celebrity endorsement that means literally nothing! TRY THIS BULLSHIT TODAY! WOOOOOO CAPITALISM!

“THE M IN MLS STANDS FOR MONEY,” stated Anderson as he contacted the fellow members of his ReHydrate Ultras supporters group. “We support the league and unfettered capitalism we spend all our time and energy on T.I.F.O, songs, and chants for ReHydrate and after four years MLS unceremoniously dumps ARH to the curb? I don’t think so. This is some bullshit!”

Anderson was so infuriated by the decision to not renew the contract with Advocare that he filmed an Instagram story as he lit his MLS AdvoCare merchandise on fire in the front driveway of his home.

“They will never have this fan back again,” stated Anderson. I cannot support any organization that would overlook my unrestrained devotion to Advocare ReHydrate. No true MLS fan would support BODYARMOR. It doesn’t even make any sense. It doesn’t say ReHydrate. I don’t want Armor, I want to ReHydrate.”

In the mean time, members of the ReHydrate Ultras Supporters Group started a petition to reinstate AdvoCare ReHydrate as the full time sponsor of Major League Soccer as they begin a boycott on any new products created by the BODYARMOR group.

“We must stand together and support AdvoCare in this trying time. If we won’t think of the corporation who will. Screw the greedy players and greedy commissioner. They are all off stuffing their face with the profits from their dalliance with this shameful product. We MUST as a country take care of our multi level marketing companies because otherwise who will sell sugar water to 13 year olds and invite former high school classmates to legging and beauty supply workshops in the future if they disappear? BRING BACK REHYDRATE! CORPORATIONS ARE PEOPLE!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Gatorade Coalition challenges the ReHydrate Ultras to a battle royal sponsored by Amway.

NWSL Announces That Draft Tributes Will Again Battle For Golden Contract In 8th Annual Hunger Games As The Reaping Starts This Thursday

CHICAGO - From the balcony overlooking The Capital of the National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL), the pot of geraniums currently running the league as the Lifetime President and Commissioner announced that the draft tributes will again battle for a golden contract as the 8th edition of the NWSL Hunger Games begins with The Reaping, this Thursday.

Picture of the NWSL Commissioner in happier times.

“HAPPY HUNGER GAMES,” stated Commissioner Geranium. “And may the odds be EVER in your favor! It is that special time of year when The Reaping will select our contractually obligated draft tributes who will battle for their districts in arenas across this nation for a golden contract as a national team player during the 2021 season. Some of you may starve, others may find your enjoyment of this sport perish, and some of you may be subject to a ritualistic blood letting when you try to nutmeg Jess Fishlock. Welcome to The NWSL Hunger Games”

The commissioner also announced an additional prize for this edition of the NWSL Hunger Games as they stated, “The winner of the 8th edition of the NWSL Hunger Games will have a chance to join the class action lawsuit against the US Soccer Federation. Not everyone in this country gets to sit through lengthy and tedious arbitration procedures as they watch lawyers from their own federation attempt to show that they are actually over compensated and ungrateful. Long time fans of the NWSL Hunger Games should not be worried, however, as we are continuing with our traditions we established since the dark days following the fall of the WPS. Tributes will still be required to figure out innovative ways to eat and drink as they attempt to navigate an entire season on $20,000. This is called the Hunger Games for a reason.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this anticipation builds in District 5 that their tribute will be selected first.

Rivalry Week Battle Announced Between Minnesota United Supporters And Minnesota United Supporters

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer and Heineken announced an addition to their branded rivalry week as the league issued a statement stating that Minnesota United supporters would face off against Minnesota United supporters in a battle for the soul of the team.

THAT GUY ON THE LEFT IS A JERK!

“No one hates on Minnesota United fans like Minnesota United fans,” stated MLS director of rivalries and light beer enthusiast Jacob Szynalski. “When it comes to an absolute battle for their seeming dislike of each other they know every sordid detail and every hated fact more than anyone else in the area. We expect an intense battle between the two groups who are supposedly fans of the same team.”

With enmity reaching a fever pitch over the tenure of Adrian Heath, what songs you should sing, where you stand, what shirt you wear, whether you should support via optimism, cynicism or realism, and whether you were around before MLS, the supporters girded their loins for battle.

“ANYONE WHO IS NOT POSITIVE ABOUT MINNESOTA UNITED AT ALL TIMES IS NOT A TRUE FAN,” stated Minnesota United fan Harry Elmsworth.

“ANYONE WHO IS POSITIVE ABOUT MINNESOTA UNITED AT ALL TIMES IS NOT A TRUE FAN,” stated Minnesota United fan Paula Evans.

“WHAT ABOUT THE CENTRISTS WHO THINK THAT MINNESOTA UNITED IS NEITHER POSITIVE NOR NEGATIVE,” stated avowed Libertarian Reginald DuBois.

With no clear definition of exactly what makes a true Minnesota United fan, perpetual online gang fights erupted with bombastic passive-aggressive sub-tweeting being utilized against outright aggressive sub-tweeting and snipers sitting on the outside using frank but vague statements in Facebook posts.

“I plan on indicating why I am upset without talking to anyone in person about why I am upset and I’ll be damned if I don’t read into every single post some kind of malicious intent about my standing as a fan,” stated Minnesota United fan Hank Stone.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as no fans remain fans of the team after the pitch battle finishes.

White Collar Employee With Google Translate And Too Much Time On His Hands Ready To Become Transfer Rumor Expert For Inter Miami

Miami, FL - Cloud Engineer and new Inter Miami fan David @MiamiTransferMachine Hughes stated that he is ready and willing to become the the transfer rumor expert for Inter Miami with his ready access to Google translate and way too much time on his hands.

“My job requires me to be on the internet all the time and the combination of that availability and internet expertise with having a job where my work is sometimes feast or famine means that I have plenty of time to comb over transfer rumors from South America, set up internet alerts and scan online newspapers from all over the world for any news on Inter Miami,” stated Hughes to The Nutmeg News.

Friends indicate that they didn’t think Hughes would be the person who got into soccer, but he stated that the ability to be perceived as an expert at something really helped convince him to get off the fence.

“I’ve never really been a sports fan but I’m definitely a fan of being considered an expert at something,” stated Hughes. “I don’t feel like I need to know anything about soccer to be good at this. I just need to know how to find rumors online and place them within the construct of an insider perspective of building a team. My whole job consists of finding things online with google and configuring online infrastructure. Being an expert in online rumors is practically an extension of my day to day routine.”

Our reporter spoke to soccer fan and sous chef Harry Williams who stated, “I don’t have enough time on my hands to chase all this shit down because I’m on my feet working. It’s great that @MiamiTransferMachine started up because I can log on later to see what they have. They must be connected somehow to the front office.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hughes decides to create his own rumors after being unable to find anything for a few days.

E-MLS Ultras Receive Sanction For Celebratory Vape Smoke After Late Win By Fiddle

Philadelphia, PA - E-MLS ultras group Wincinatti was reportedly sanctioned by E-MLS League Officials for letting off celebratory vape smoke after a dramatic win by fiddle over exraa at the E-MLS League Series One competition.

“We are out here for our boys and only for our boys,” stated Wincinnati capo Duke “Ledger” Williams. “NO PYRO, NO PARTY! You can’t keep the Queen City down! All rage quitters are bastards!”

League representatives state that the celebration smoke was clearly prohibited in the travelling supporters section as they attempt to root out how the supporters group smuggled in devices.

“We will not let this stand,” stated E-MLS security. “We’ve taken pictures of this and we will disseminating them on social media in an effort to identify the parties and to possibly get some more eyeballs on the League Series One In Philadelphia.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Hudson River Derby game between Adamou and Didychrislito is interrupted after after both players start a download on a new Fortnite patch.

Forward Madison Staff Abandons Management Of USL1 Side To Focus On Football Manager Save

Madison, WI - Sources within Forward Madison indicate that the staff of the USL League One side has abandoned management of their USL1 Side to fully focus on their Football Manager save.

“We thought this partnership and contest with Football Manager was going to be fun for our fans but it turns out that everyone in the office is helping us play on this one save, now,” stated one anonymous insider. “We are currently in the offseason, but our scouting team is scouring the current Football Manager instance for any new e-players that we can sign.”

Current Forward Madison players were reportedly tasked with playing out in-game scenarios in a recent scrimmage as the blue and pink team played against each other in a consequence free wargame to illustrate different Football Manager tactics.

“We needed to figure out how to line up in the upcoming e-season we are starting this e-Saturday,” stated head coach Daryl Shore. “It’s important for our physical side to really show the limitations of the new e-formation we want to use in the upcoming e-season. Using our physical players to help with our current save is a way we can really avoid having to create a new career save if we rage quit.”

With all the resources now focused on Football Manager, Forward Madison are working on selling e-season tickets to their e-fans for a private Twitch stream of the staff playing Football Manager in their office.

“I can’t wait,” stated current season ticket holder Carla Jones. “I made some e-T.I.F.O that I’m going to e-raise for some e-players.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as some of the staff look up and realize it’s actually 4:00 in the morning and they are on year 42 of their season save and they ate Red Vines for dinner.

FC Cincinnati Trades Draft Pick For 2020 USL Schedule During SuperDraft

Cincinnati, OH - Executives with FC Cincinnati traded a draft pick in the Major League Soccer SuperDraft for a USL Schedule as they attempted to tilt the 2020 season in their favor.

“Our fans loved the USL. We loved the USL and we are excited to acquire that schedule back for the 2020 season,” stated FCC President Jeff Berding. “We can’t wait to show what we can do in the USL with the roster we have assembled.”

Fans state that they were shocked but excited to hear as they hoped that this move would make them competitive in the 2020 season.

“I’m a big fan of this acquisition. I think that trading a pick in the draft for the 2020 USL Schedule is going to increase our ability to compete. And after last season that’s really all that I am looking for,” stated FCC fan Heather Williams.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FCC fans worry about whether they can make the MLS playoffs in the USL this year.

Nashville SC Trades Jack Maher To Atlanta United For 10,000 Season Ticket Holders

Nashville, TN - Major League Soccer franchise Nashville SC have reportedly traded Jack Maher to Atlanta United in exchange for 10,000 season ticket holders for the 2020 season.

“pssst, jack… um… we have some news”

“We feel that this is a mutually beneficial deal for both teams,” stated manager Gary Smith. “We could use more season ticket holders and Atlanta United needs another player to ultimately trade to Real Monarchs in a year.”

Atlanta United sources indicate that they had to inform 10,000 of their season ticket holders that they would be required to relocate to Nashville this season, but they felt that the move allows them to solidify their massively depleted defense

“I just bought a house,” stated Altanta United fan Bill Samuels. “I can’t believe this. I really can’t believe this. This is the LAST time that I don’t read the fine print on my season tickets.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Nashville launches a lawsuit on 10 of the fans who refuse the mandatory relocation.

Marketing Executives With NWSL Teams Still Struggling With How to Sell Soccer, Beer, Community, And Fun

CHICAGO - Sources within the National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) indicate that marketing executives with the teams in the league are still struggling with how to sell soccer, beer, community, and fun as they pitched a Family and Faith Night marketing blitz for 2020.

WHAT DO THEY WANT?!

According to sources that were in the recent marketing meeting, executives are pushing for a reliance on traditional mechanisms that attracted legions of fans to women’s sports over the years by focusing on appealing to youth groups, girls soccer camps and children which will, supposedly, lend to a long term business model like it did with the W-League, the WPSL, WUSA, the UWS, the WPS, and the WPSL Elite.

“I think that one way to get more women involved is to appeal to their common nature of appreciating limited edition pink colored scarves and places where their children can experience a game without foul language or drinking,” stated one league executive.

“Well, my own experience is that women don’t drink beer so I propose we replace all the beer options at stadiums with slightly chilled sparkling water,” stated one team representative.

According to sources in the room, one women who was present suggested advertising the league as the best women’s soccer league in the world with the best players in the world and focusing on bringing in and enabling fans who want to passionately support teams that represent the cities in which they live. However, that suggestion was shouted down as being too complicated.

The Nutmeg News will have more as the league announces a “Decorum And Dominos” night.

Portland Thorns Fan Really Regretting Wish She Made For More NWSL Off-Season Action

Portland, OR - Portland Thorns fan Hannah Willis stated that she was really regretting the wish she made for more NWSL off-season action as the team and journalists announced a number of trades of popular players.

Oh……………………………………………. yeah, no.

“Ok, when I said that this weekend I didn’t really mean it,” stated Willis to The Nutmeg News. “I was just getting bored with the lack of news from the league or any of the teams that are in it. At this point, I would like to go back to the time where I was bored.”

Friends state that Willis was ranting about how the off-season is too long and that none of the teams in the league were making moves as she attended a friends house for dinner on Saturday.

“I don’t know what she thought was going to happen, but I can guarantee it wasn’t this,” stated good friend Abby Brockhurst.

For her part, Willis stared at her phone for 10 minutes after the trade news hit before putting it down and opening up her work email as she attempts to forget about the loss of Emily Sonnett, Caitlin Foord and Midge Purce.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Willis composes 5 different Twitter drafts about the situation before deleting all of them and logging off the application and deleting it from her phone.

New Goalkeeper Claims He's, "Not Crazy Like Other Keepers," To Imaginary Talking Cat Named Ricardo He Uses to Power Up Shot Stopping Ability

Newark, NJ - Josh Stewart, the new goalkeeper of AFC Newark United, claimed that he is, “not crazy like other goalkeepers,” to the imaginary talking cat named Ricardo that he uses to power up his shot stopping abilities as he maintained a 90 minute discourse with the character for the entirety of the match last night.

“I think he is as nutty as a box of frogs,” stated team captain Ismael Hernandez. “But he keeps telling Ricardo that he isn’t and I’m not about to get into an argument with his imaginary friend.”

Sources on the team indicate that Stewart took immediate command of the game shouting directions at the back line in order to organize them while also maintaining a constant stream of dialog that appeared to be partially self motivation and partially an abject conversation about Star Wars with Ricardo.

“Look, he is 6 foot 4, 200 pounds of muscle, played in college, stops shots, communicates, and organizes the back line. I don’t care if his imaginary friend is a gecko named Albert Einstein, I just want him doing the work,” stated centerback Dieter Schwarz.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stewart falls out with Ricardo over his opinion on Ter Stegen and AFC Newark United lose the game on a goalkeeping error.

MLS SuperDraft Downgraded To AdequateDraft

NEW YORK - Analysts with Major League Soccer announced, today, that the SuperDraft scheduled for January 9th, 2020 would be downgraded to an AdequateDraft after an assessment of the players within revealed some significant holes.

Join us on January 9 as we attempt to make jokes about the SuperDraft unless we get bored and decide not to do that.

“We aren’t confident that the talent left in this draft really reflects the idea and identity of a SuperDraft,” stated one anonymous analyst. “There’s a concern that there isn’t a single forward available in the AdequateDraft better than what’s already available in the USL right now.”

Sources say that there was a number of different monikers debated for the draft including sufficient, appropriate, tolerable, unexceptional, fair, passable and competent.

“There was a big amount of support for PassableDraft and CompetentDraft,” stated our source with the league. “Ultimately if you look at the number of attacking midfield prospects we couldn’t run with competent so instead we are just going with Adequate.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Draft Grade teeters on the brink of being labeled an IntolerableDraft in 2021.