Massive Liar Claims USA Branding Information Isn't A Load Of Bullshit

CHICAGO - Massive liar and graphic designer Brian Anderson has repeatedly claimed, on Monday, that the new USA crest branding information isn't a load of bullshit.

This is a complete load of bullshit.

"It isn't! We took millions of dollars from the United States Soccer Federation to produce this and that automatically makes the crest and the branding information on it valuable," stated Mr Anderson as he lied through his teeth on Monday.

"All of these items we notated on the crest are items that we thought about very deeply and not something that we gave to a bunch of stoned interns to attempt to try to find meaning in a crest that really is just red/white/blue with USA written in it."

While everyone knows that branding and the messaging behind it is a giant load of bullshit, Mr Anderson's firm, Sunil Gulati and the US Soccer Federation continued their futile attempt at pretending like every word in the "behind the crest" announcement wasn't just marketing jargon bullshit that literally no one in the world cares about other than the people who got paid a couple million dollars to develop it.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the United States Soccer Federation releases a marketing term lookbook to explain the branding and marketing implications of having text in a shield shape.

Northern Ontario And Manitoba Rivalry Just Waiting For Professional Soccer Teams

GRANDE PRAIRIE, Alta - The rivalry between Northern Ontario and Manitoba reached a crescendo this weekend as Northern Ontario defeated Manitoba in Curling despite second Ashley Sippala touching the stone with her foot. This act of sporting imprudence lead curling and soccer fanatic Gerald Henderson to exclaim that the rivalry between Northern Ontario and Manitoba was just waiting for soccer teams to exist in order to become really intense.

"Just wait til we get a semi-professional soccer team. Then we can get revenge on you Northern Ontario people in footy" -- Manitoba Skip Kerri Einarson (Photo, Curling Canada/Andrew Klaver)

"I very much believe that if we finally get semi-professional soccer teams into the mix with the Canadian Premier League, that the rivalry between Northern Ontario and Manitoba will be an example that will shock the world," stated Mr. Henderson to The Nutmeg News on Monday.

"We already have the rivalry between Einarson and McCarville that is burning with a white hot flame. Now we just need to expand that curling rivalry into the football stands and pitch between two semi-professional soccer teams in a modified lacrosse field or converted rec-league stadium somewhere."

Reportedly with things getting intense after the Sippala Stone Touching incident, Manitoba fans are preparing a tifo in the eventuality that they will have a chance at making fun of Northern Ontario fans in the future. 

"We've got a great idea that visually shows and states that Northern Ontario are a bunch of curling cheaters but they can't touch the ball with their foot. This shows both sides of the coin," stated the Manitoba Menace, a supporters group convened with the idea that eventually they will have a soccer team to support.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as McCarville and team Northern Ontario develops another sporting rivalry with Team Alberta after their defeat in the finals of the 2016 Scotties Tournament of Heart Championship.

Recent Optimism Of Chicago Fire Fan In Direct Conflict With His Years Of Experience

CHICAGO - Long time Chicago Fire fan Drew Naven admitted that his recent optimism about the team is butting up against his years of experience following the team, causing him to be confused before the season begins.

8 wins in 34 games. That's a respectful level of awful, right there.

"We have had six seasons in the past 12 years where we didn't even have more than 10 wins," stated Mr. Naven to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "That's 50% of our seasons over the past 12 years where we were abjectly awful. Yet, despite the 8-20-6 record of last season and the 6-10-18 record of 2014, I somehow feel a burgeoning sense of optimism solely based on pre-season play."

While acknowledging that it is patently stupid to generate a feeling about an upcoming season based on meaningless pre-season games, Mr. Naven nonetheless forged forward with his confusion.

"They were good. Or at least they seemed good. I can't really tell. Were we good? Was Minnesota bad? Does the Vancouver result matter? We beat a full strength Portland side, so I think that is good. I think we might be OK this season but it is hard to tell. Everything in my body is screaming that we are not good, but I think we also might be good. It really, honestly is very difficult to decide. These days I would long for the glory days of 2013 where we didn't qualify for the playoffs but at least we were mediocre. I'd definitely take the run of making playoffs that happened between 2005 to 2009, despite some really mixed teams. At this point, I'd just as soon have a season where I'm frustrated that the Fire threw chances away instead of being frustrated that the Fire have no chance."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Naven vacillates between being optimistic and pessimistic before the season kicks off.

Reporter Uses "Spotlight" Oscar Win To Justify Terrible Soccer Reporting

Boston, MA - Boston Globe employee Dan Portnoy used the Academy Award winning film Spotlight to justify his horrible soccer journalism on Monday morning.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT JURGEN KLINSMANN TWEET?! IS JERMAINE JONES INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT SEXY?!"

"Real journalists make a difference," stated Mr. Portnoy on his twitter account before he began his day by summarizing what happened on soccer twitter as though it was somehow news.

"I'm here in the office with the Boston Globe making a difference on soccer just like those guys that busted the sex scandal with the Archdiocese who worked a few cubicles over. The only difference is that instead of reporting on child molesters, I'm taking things that supporters, fans, rumor accounts and other reporters stated on twitter, summarizing them, and releasing the information as my own news on my own portal online."

While many people would call this the laziest form of journalism you could possibly imagine Mr. Portnoy, unsurprisingly, disagrees.

"Soccer journalism is all about finding things that other people already wrote, theorized, summarized or examined, and then reporting on their reporting. It's all about finding that Steve Goff is reporting on Charlie Horton joining DC United and then re-reporting that Charlie Horton is joining DC United by referencing Steve Goff's account.  It's all about reporting on the Bent Musket reporting on Jermaine Jones, reporting on his experience with the Revolution and then not crediting the appropriate people when necessary so that it appears I'm doing my job. It's hard out there for a person invested primarily in content dissemination, but I'm here for the people, just like those that do actual credible work, by finding the stories that get the most re-tweets on twitter and talking about them."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Portnoy writes a 150 word column with a 20 picture slideshow with 5 advertising breaks in it about what the New England Revolution players and staff thinks about the bear in The Revenant.

Major League Soccer Pre-Season Power Rankings: Top 6

#1 Young Potential

#2 CONCACAF Champions League Success

#3 Awkward Team Photos

#4 New Investors

#5 Hot Action

#6 Emoji Communication (rising)

Man Spends Story Time Telling Young Children Of Jozy Altidores First Injury

Boston, MA - Stephen Harrison gathered a number of local children around his feet on Thursday at the Boston Public Library on Boylston Street for story time to speak about Jozy Altidore's first Injury.

"He is still only 26, I'm keeping the hope alive until he is 36. That's 10 more years of hamstring strains."

"Why the year was 2009 and I was just a wee lad as you are now," started Harrison as a number of children immediately glazed over into a stupor.

"Altidore was fresh and still young at that time and I remember the hope that we all had that he might do something with his career as he was still only 19 and on loan to Xerez from Villareal. Oh my those were salad days. I was living on Winton street at the time and school filled my days with friends life and laughter," he stated with a wistful look at the window.

Harrison took a drink of scotch from a pocket flask made out of a copy of "Soccernomics" and began speaking again.

"We still believed in the viability of his career then, and he had two toenail injuries that required surgery on both of his big toes. That virtually killed his loan. My god, I can still remember it like it was yesterday," stated Harrison as he began to ramble about living in Boston during the 2009 and how Altidore's injury shaped him into the man he is today.

"May you suffer the sweet release of death before you children know the longing to see a good player like I have known. May hell take your souls in the fiery pits of incontinence before you love an injury prone man. And then the hamstring injury in 2011 at the Gold Cup and the hamstring injury in the 2014 World Cup against Ghana, another before the Gold Cup and then now. Children... some day you will understand how your country will ruin your job, your life... your career. THEY HAVE TAKEN IT ALL!"

Mr Harrison was then escorted from the premises as he staggered to the outside, wept and then five minutes later was convincing himself that "Altidore is still the future, he is only 26, he can still be an elite player"

Fan Appropriately Gruntled With Vancouver Whitecaps Season Ticket Gift

Vancouver, BC - Whitecaps Fan Andrew Freeman has announced that he feels appropriately gruntled with the Vancouver Whitecaps season ticket gift as he reacted online to his reception of the items on Wednesday.

Courtesy of @haalass777

"I am neither overwhelmed, nor underwhelmed nor simply whelmed, neither am I disgruntled nor overgruntled, but simply just gruntled," stated Freeman on his twitter account.

The package from the Vancouver Whitecaps included a variety of items of mediocre significance, but not so poor as to attract derision nor so wealthy as to cause jealousy allowing Mr Freeman the ability to stay in the middle of the road regarding his feelings.

"I like lanyards, and I appreciate the pre-punched hole," stated Mr Freeman. "I'm also rather ambivalent about booklets verging towards appreciating them, and I feel that, despite the front office using the old Southsiders logo, my un-boxing experience has left me quite gruntled."

While Mr. Freeman is quite "O.K." with his gift, others are calling this season ticket holder gift the travesty of the century, that lanyards are a joke, that the logo mistake is sloppy and that the loyalty portal is the gateway to a eugenics lab to breed better players for the Whitecaps through DNA splicing.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the dust settles on the gruntled versus disgruntled debate of a fan base.

Rube Journalist Actually Thought FIFA Would Change

NEW YORK - Rube Journalist Henry Daniels stated that he really thought that FIFA, the international money laundering and bribery cartel, was actually going to change for the better in the coming months despite all evidence to the contrary.

The drive is diamonds.

"Look, with Blatter out and Platini out, I actually thought it could happen," stated a remorseful Daniels to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday. "I tried to believe that elections might change something and that there was a real chance of having an international organization that was there for the betterment of the game, but it looks like that isn't going to happen."

With FIFA continuing their shenanigans by reducing the banning sentence of Blatter and Platini, the rug has yet again been pulled out from underneath trusting people like Mr Daniels.

"Well.... dammit. I suppose we can all hope for someone better than Mr. Sexwale to run for president, but it doesn't look like things are ever going to change now."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Daniels finally accepts that the international organization of football is an nonredeemable quagmire of disastrous proportions.

Man Refuses To Attend Child's Soccer Game After Watching UEFA Champions League

LOS ANGELES - Mark Abbot, Juventus fan and champions league aficionado, declared that he will not attend his child's soccer game as he cannot handle the comparison to the UEFA Champions League that he watched earlier in the day.

"You are shit and your team is shit and this is why I won't take you to watch the so-called LA Galaxy. Dream bigger, get better and stop caring about stuff local to you, which is awful football. When you make the Champions League THEN I will watch."

"The quality difference between your team and Juventus is noticeable and I refuse to watch shit," stated Mr Abbot to his son Jeremy, on Tuesday. "Be better, be champions league and I'll come watch. You and your pals are just fumble fucking around on the field and I'm not driving all the way out to Glendale to watch shit level football."

Reportedly Jeremy was crushed but Mr Abbot stated that the only way to encourage his son to get better was by ensuring that he pointed out how terrible he and his team are. 

"They are 7 years old. They should be better. Given the choice between watching Pogba play and watching my 7 year old child I am obviously going to pick Pogba. I don't understand how anyone could watch the CONCACAF Champions League after watching UEFA Champions League and I don't understand how anyone would want to watch a bunch of 7 year olds sulking about the field after watching the magical performance of Paulo Dybala."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Abbot informs his daughter that he will no longer attend her piano recital after watching the New York Philharmonic play.

Fans Gather Early As Spring Renews The Annual CONCACAF Champions League, "Shitting Of The Bed"

Fans began to gather early, this spring, for the annual Shitting Of The Bed, a yearly Major League Soccer tradition that begins when the first robin flying around a bent ball over Chad Marshall's head sees a Mexican team score.

Two away goals? Two away goals. 

"It's going to be glorious this year," stated Dolores Stanbridge of King County. "The plumage, the flight pattern of the ball, the players falling down, the inability of our own players to hold a lead, why this might be a banner year for the spring shitting of the bed."

With eager CONCACAF'ers gathering to witness the migratory event of teams from Mexico travelling north, displacing teams from the United States and Canada and returning to their nest with shiny objects, many are waiting for the next round of migratory events with binoculars in hand.

"I'm interested to see the wild plumage of the new Tigres," stated CONCACAF'er Yancey Hargood of Wasatch County. "What we have here is the annual tradition of watching all our teams bottle it against better teams with better players, but here in Salt Lake City we call this the OhNo Of The Bed."

While many fans have gathered to individually watch their teams shit the bed, many have gathered together in so-called watch parties to commiserate as their teams slowly fall apart against Mexican teams in usually spectacular fashion.

NOT AGAIN

"We gathered here, together, to watch DC United fight it out for 70 minutes against the wild Querétaro," stated D.C. United watch party host Thomas Lubjac. "Supposedly the endangered Querétaro is also awful, but that didn't seem to prevent them from putting two goals up on us. The good news is that our branding is on point, our logo is fresh, and we may or may not have a stadium at some point in the next 7 years.... and that's really all that matters."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as other teams raise the hope of United States CONCACAFers before shitting the bed, again, in spectacular fashion.

Woman's Soccer Fan Bravely Soldiers On Despite Being Wrong

Des Moines, IA - Women's soccer fan Elizabeth Godos bravely soldiered on wither her opinions on Tuesday despite being very wrong about nearly all of them.

"SOMEONE IS SAYING SOMETHING BAD ABOUT JULIE JOHNSTON."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mrs. Godos friend Carla Peres about her friends opinions and she had the following to say, "Well, Liz is often really really wrong, but the thing that she has going for her is the ability to just ignore common sense and forge ahead with a bunch of bullshit opinions about the game that make no sense whatsoever. She is just the consummate warrior, soldiering on with her horrible opinions despite having the facts lobbed at her like grenades. She isn't really like that in real life, but on the internet.... ugh... just forget about trying to talk any sense to her."

While Mrs Godos has the unique ability to ignore the signs that she is incorrect, she also has the technique to lash out in a 360 degree direction against everyone that tries to reason with her.

"Fuck that. Fuck Them. and Fuck Off. The USA is the #1 nation in the world, our team is the best, our infrastructure is the best, our development is best, our players are the best and the clubs here in the stupid NWSL are just in desperate servitude towards expanding our empire of trophies in international competitions. I hope everyone understands how bad every other team, player and country in the world is at soccer," spewed Mrs. Godos on her twitter account in a multi tweet rant.

Reportedly Mrs. Godos stated more but she blocked The Nutmeg News after we asked about players outside the United States that were, reportedly, fantastic players in their own rights.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when we speak to Mrs. Godos' husband, Charles, who is also an opinionated dickhead about the game in the United States.

Analyst Intentionally Overrates USMNT In Order To Justify Current Hate Of Klinsmann

"The United States should make it to the semi-finals of the Copa America, at least" stated soccer analyst Nathan Mattocks defying all rational belief in the talent of the team.

BUT THEY TOLD US WE WERE EXCEPTIONAL, THEY TOLD US WE WERE GOING TO WIN!

While widely renowned for his soccer analysis, Mr Mattocks also admits that he is a current hater of Jurgen Klinsmann and has decided to overrate the chances of the United States Men's team  during the upcoming Copa America tournament in order to draw more attention to the purported failings of Mr Klinsmann.

"Look, I hate Jurgen Klinsmann,"  stated Mr Mattocks to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "If I overrate the United States team and their chances in this tournament, then by the time that the USMNT flails out of the competition people will completely blame Klinsmann for the systemic problems that exist on a massive scale with United States soccer. When the team finally fails to live up to the hype that I generate, maybe we will finally see a change. A coach is largely a person that we can blame for nearly everything that happens with the team regardless of whether they are problems he created or inherited."

Mr. Mattocks stated that he plans on belligerently talking about home field advantage as though somehow that is going to magically make Mix Diskerud turn into James Rodriguez. 

"It's important. Home field advantage is going to make all the difference for our players that can't break into the international leagues due to some massive conspiracy against USA players. This whole Copa America should prove that the United States is vastly underrated regionally and could compete with CONMEBOL teams on a regular basis if they would just fire Jurgen Klinsman and hire someone American who speaks English."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the United States press continues to talk themselves into the chances of the United States making an impact on the Copa America.

Area Parents Stage Intervention After Son Mainlines Four MLS Pre-Season Games

Pine Hills, FL - Area parents, Ricky and LaShaun DeMichaels staged an intervention for their son Robert after he was caught watching four Major League Soccer pre-season game streams this weekend.

"Son, we want you to know that we love you and that pre-season games are not the answer. You must know that somewhere in your heart."

"Rob, we need to talk about your problem," stated LaShaun DeMichaels after both parents assured Robert that they loved him and that they... that the family were concerned.

"At first you just dabbled in USL streams and that seemed infrequent. At least it was social use and regular season games, but this is just getting out of hand now," stated Ricky DeMichaels. "Your sisters are concerned, I'm concerned, your grandparents are concerned."

While Robert DeMichaels sat stone faced attempting to not reflexively check his twitter account to see what the score was in the late Portland Timbers v Minnesota United game, his parents continued to try to break through to him.

"Rob, we love you and we all just want the best for you," stated Mr DeMichaels. "Pre-season games are unhealthy. This is just unnatural. Can't you see the hurt that you are causing to your friends? They used to talk to you about Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi but now all you want to talk about is whether or not Donadel from Montreal is going to be a difference maker based on his minutes during the pre-season game against DC United and whether Brek Shea can recapture the form before his move to Stoke. THIS IS KILLING YOUR FATHER, ROB!"

After finishing their speech regarding their concerns, Robert DeMichaels gave some condescending platitudes about slowing down his pre-season MLS consumption before speaking to his soccer dealer on the phone about starting an Orlando City podcast.

MLS Firm Fights Itself After Failing To Secure Rivals For Punchup

San Jose, CA - San Jose Earthquakes firm "Rough and Tumble Bhoys SJ" has announced that it will fight itself after failing to find a rival firm with which to have a punchup

"I've had this jacket sitting in my closet for 3 months, I'm not wearing it til I get a chance to punch someone in the face over football!"

"We put out a request to fight this season on a number of different message boards including Big Soccer, Facebook, Twitter, Ultras-Tifo and even Tumblr without any responses. We are apparently the only hard lads left in Major League Soccer," stated top boy Jeffrey Newbury.

While the Rough and Tumble Bhoys had a difficult time setting up fights, they haven't had a hard time talking about fighting and their attempts at hooliganism on social media as their endless quest to be recognized goes unrequited.

"We set up a punch up with blokes down in Malibu with a fighting app called Grinder, but that turned out to be a different meetup entirely," stated Newbury. "We ended up getting pissed, having a walk about, lifting some new Stone Island clobber, having a row with some moaning little bloke outside an Abercrombie and Fitch and I bought the whole firm a razzmatazz Jamba Juice in celebration."

While the Rough and Tumble Bhoys struck out in Malibu, their quest to punch other fans in the face will not end so easily as Mr. Newbury elucidated, "My geezer and I are here to smash your gobs in, even if that means we have to get a bunch of our own lads together to fight. I'm gonna punch someone, somewhere over football. This is going to happen. I'm going to endlessly talk about the time I took someone down with my trainer before trying to not get blood on my new tracksuit."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the members of the Rough and Tumble Bhoys tweet out pictures from the gym of them lifting with their eyes covered for anonymity before they go to punch each other in the face.

Journalist Runs Out Of Energy While Writing Team Specific Season Previews

TORONTO - Sports Journalist Kevin Fruend admitted that he ran out of energy while writing the season preview for each of the 20 teams in Major League Soccer for 2016.

Just don't look at the non-glamorous teams... we mailed those in.

"I was on fire for the first 12 and then I started to peter out," admitted Fruend to The Nutmeg News on Friday. "Once I started getting into the team specific variables for San Jose, Colorado, Chicago and Houston I just started losing concentration."

Fruend stated that he really honestly tried to write something specific for each team that his readers would enjoy, but that it was just too hard to come up with things for teams that he just didn't really care about.

"I mean, whats the angle on San Jose? New players that actually have already played there before and another year of messing around with the minutes for Tommy Thompson? Positives: Um ... ok... how about, not boring fans to tears and making the playoffs by backing into them with one game left in the season. I mean, c'mon, what do I have to write about there?"

With the deadline for Fruend's team previews arriving quickly, he stated that he is just going to figure out a boilerplate template that he can use to finish out the final 8 teams in Major League Soccer and then call it a night. 

"Hopefully my editor will start with TFC first, since I put the most effort into them and then everyone will just skim the rest."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as one person comments that his writing is lazy in the comments section of his San Jose article.

The Nutmeg News Writer Found Dead After "Fill The Bowl" Pitch Session

Puerto Vallarta, MX - Harold Franklin, long time writer for The Nutmeg News and cat enthusiast, was found dead after suffering a seizure from all the jokes that could be made out of the "Fill The Bowl" promotion from Orlando City SC.

He died as he lived, by taking pictures of statues of seahorses.

"OH. MY. GOD," stated Franklin, "they are doing it again?! THERE'S TOO MANY JOKES! TOO MANY!"

Franklin and other staff members were taking drugs stock of the upcoming columns they were slated to be writing at the semi-weekly TNN private meeting at our palacial estate in Puerto Vallarta. The reporters and editors were having a meeting about the 2016 Major League Soccer (MLS) season when Franklin began to babble nearly incoherently about FILL THE BOWL.

"Fill the BOWL? FILL THE BOWL!? LIKE POOP, POOP, MARIJUANA, M-M-MARIJUANA, POOP, CEREAL, A POOP BASED MARIJUANA. M-M-M-M," babbled Franklin.

Totally gonna fill that bowl!

The Nutmeg News spoke to newly promoted editor David Stewart about the scene and he had the following to say, "He kept babbling on about weed and poop until everyone thought he was having a stroke. As it turns out..."

Franklin is survived by his cat Persephone and his collection of 14 century Venetian erotica.

The NASL Releases Long Term Prospectus

The North American Soccer League (NASL) released their long term plan on Thursday after fans of the league and the teams therein have been clamoring for the league plans for the future.

"See, if you notice this image.. we have a pyramid and we have a scheme. That scheme is to be the top of the pyramid. Others will have to be the bottom. That is our pyramid scheme."

The Nutmeg News was able to obtain an advanced copy and below are the items in the 10 point plan.

NASL 10 Year/10 Point Prospectus

#1 Be The Best  - (Within 5 years)

#2 Get Paid 

#3 Get More Teams

#4 Get Even MORE Teams

#5 Get More Money

#6 Get Even MORE Money

#7 Get on TV (Within 5 years)

#8 Take Over For That Other League - (Within 6 years)

#9 Continue To Be The Best (10 years)

#10 Don't Not Be The Best

The Nutmeg News asked NASL president Bill Peterson how the league plans to accomplish the aforementioned tasks and he stated the following, "We plan on diversifying our core branding perspective, signing better advertising executives and getting on television. Then we just sit back, be the best, allow people to see we are the best and then we make money. It's really quite easy."

When asked whether he thinks the NASL will ever truly be able to compete as a first division when it barely seems, at times, to be able to get its head out of its own ass and has teams with financial difficulties playing with horrible infrastructure and utilizing high school football stadiums Commissioner Peterson stated, "Maybe!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NASL continues their quixotic quest towards relevance.

Minnesota United Fans Already Regretting MLS Move

Minneapolis, MN - Fans of the team formerly known as Minnesota United have admitted that they are already regretting to move to Major League Soccer as their teams small history begins to be carved up to the process of branding and "good for the league" bullshit.

"So about this... um.... really awkward... but since you already committed... we are going to need to change your name, your stadium, your colors, your logo and... um... those fans that bring the flares?..... yeah... they need to be banned. So... yeah.... if you could get on that it would be great."

In a follow up to our report on Sacramento Republic fans, The Nutmeg News interviewed various members of the Minnesota soccer establishment to get their viewpoint on the upcoming branding enforcement on their team.

"Well, this sucks. I mean we have already been through a bunch of different iterations (Stars, Thunder, Strikers, etc) in regards to our team before being actually United under the name United so it isn't like we aren't used to change," stated Minnesota United fan Bruce Hanson.

"Look, we know the name isn't original in terms of the global game, but it actually reflects a real connection to this team name under which we became united. It reflects that team that we have grown to love. It reflects us being United from the Stars, Thunder, Strikers. After all, this was The Team That Nobody Wanted. Now it is likely going to be the team re-branded because Atlanta has a billionaire owner."

While Minnesota fans have already begun feeling disenfranchised by Major League Soccer despite not even playing there this season, Arthur Blank announced that he doesn't care as he rolled in one hundred dollar bills atop a comforter made out of silk.

"Fuck em," stated Blank to The Nutmeg News. "I've got more money than they do. That's the only brand that matters in Major League Soccer."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Minnesota United fans celebrate the end of their run.

Timbers Fan Achieves Rare Status After Acquiring New Scarf

West Linn, OR - Timbers fan Thom Sanderson has achieved the accolade of Best Timbers Fan In The World after acquiring a recent scarf made by members of the R/Timbers subreddit.

"I wonder if I could just nip down there and take a few. I just need a taste. Just a simple taste. Something to cut the edge. Just need a fix. Anyone got a dollar so I can buy a scarf?"

Mr. Sanderson was presented with a plaque stating that after collecting 356 scarves, 2000 patches, 194 programs, and a very large number of collectible cups that he was the best fan out of all the fans of the Timbers anywhere, ever.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr Sanderson on Wednesday about this massive achievement.

"Well, I was late to the game as I only started collecting scarves in 2010, but I managed to really find a good way to collect a massive amount of them. Now, granted, this took a ton of disposable income that I probably should have been saving to spend on a house given the recent cost of living increases, but honestly... I've got to be there for my team."

After 5 years of hoarding collectibles at his 1 bedroom apartment in West Linn, Sanderson finally realized that he was only one scarf away from reaching the rarefied status of being The Best Timbers Fan In The World.

"I was sitting on 355 scarves and 2000 patches after acquiring a set of patches in a trade for a program from 2011, so I realized all I needed was one more scarf, just one more scarf to be The Best Timbers Fan In The World. The only way to go was to find a new scarf that I didn't have so I bought one of those scarves from those fellas online at Reddit. I don't even go there for news, but I just needed the collectible."

Sanderson admitted that recently his car broke down and he is trying to figure out how to fix it given that his money is all tied up in diversified collectible goods.

"It's tough when your money is in the collectibles market, but this will pay off for me in the future. I'll be able to control the price points here in a few years when new fans are looking for a way to be authentic."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Sandersons hopes are crushed as Steve Arbogast passes him to become The Best Timbers Fan In The World by collecting 357 scarves.

New England Revolution Ask Fans To Check Babies At The Door

Foxborough, MA - The New England Revolution front office has asked all fans to check their babies at the door for the 2016 season after issuing a new list of prohibited items for the upcoming season.

Off to the game! Take him, please.

"We don't allow backpacks, messenger bags, or diaper bags so it should stand to reason that we won't allow our fans to bring in babies," stated the secretary to the secretary of the owner of the Revolution, Robert Kraft. "The Revolution security has suspicions that fans are smuggling in copious amounts of whisky in their diaper bags and babies, and we are taking proactive measures to cut down on this."

With the Revolution front office denying entry for parents with their diaper bags, cinch bags, backpacks and babies, they have installed a disposal center for babies at the entry gates where newborns can be given to less privileged non-soccer going families who just can't find a baby of their own.

"Don't you be bringing in those fanny packs, they are the DEVILS pack."

"This opportunity allows our fans to give back to the community by donating white babies to couples in need. Our partnership with the organization Baby For Maybe allows couples on the fence about baby ownership to test out a healthy white baby that was left at the gate of a Revolution game near you," stated president Brian Bilello.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we release our study into how to prepare for a Revolution game by packing everything you need for your family in a clear plastic bag.