NWSL Sets 2022 Goal Of Not Having Any Coaches Removed For Sexual Harassment And Assault

CHICAGO - The National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) announced a 2022 season goal, before the first game of the season, to not have a coaches for any of the teams in the league removed for sexual harassment and assault as they said, “ok, THIS will be the year.”

Sources with the league indicate that allegations against Houston Dash coach and general manager James Clarkson happened before the season started as they indicated, “2022 is our NO harassment year!"

“We’ve put in a lot of effort this season to cut down the coverups and the sexual assault/grooming,” stated one league insider who wouldn’t detail what those efforts involved. “This is definitely the year for the league to make it through without having someone get fired. Absolutely. Very certain. Mostly certain. Executives don’t count.”

With every single team having their head coach leaving, this offseason, the league is bullish on their attempts at starting over.

“Granted nearly every single one of the power structures that enabled this are still in place, but THIS is the year that those executives behave,” stated one team insider.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the ham handed attempts by the league to protect the players don’t protect the players.

Anthony Precourt Announces Move Of Austin FC To San Diego After Open Cup Loss

Austin, TX - Claiming a lack of business engagement and metrics that will allow his team to be successful, Austin FC owner Anthony Precourt announced that he would be looking into moving the team to San Diego in an attempt to start over.

Trevor Ruszkowski-USA TODAY Sports

“We are still in the process of identifying the right stadium site in San Diego, CA,” stated Precourt Sports Venture. “We recognize some would prefer if this process were to move faster, however we believe that ultimately there is value in being thorough as opposed to being fast. And although we are willing to dedicate significant time and expense in this effort, we are not in a position to move to San Diego if the right site is not identified.

“Additionally, we have engaged and hired a team of experts to help bring a San Diego team to life, including: JP Morgan for financial expertise; Armbrust & Brown for legal and real estate counsel; CAA/ICON for project management oversight and feasibility; Gensler for sports architecture and design; Elizabeth Christian Public Relations for local media relations; two local branding and advertising agencies; local political advisors and consultants; among others.

“As we continue a dialogue with San Diego about possible locations for a soccer facility in San Diego’s urban core, we welcome new ideas and community input before any further decisions are made or actions are taken.

“Elected officials and community leaders, as well as thousands of citizens, have repeatedly stated that they support the concept of establishing a home for Major League Soccer in San Diego. We are hopeful that, if in the context of this conversation the best site is either parkland or city-owned land, the will of the people, across a spectrum of perspectives and districts, would be heard.”

Sources with the Austin business community state, “how did we not see this coming,” however they claimed that they would work tirelessly to attempt to keep the team local.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Austin FC fans try to figure out some version of Save The Crew without calling it Save The Verde.

Flower City Union Staff Asks If Any Fans Have Hidden Flares They Could Light For Some Warmth

Rochester, NY - Playing in rain, snow, and wind, Flower City Union representatives reportedly went into the stands to ask if any fans there have hidden flares they could light for some warmth.

“Look, we don’t care how they got here, but if you guys could light them now, that would be great,” stated one team representative.

Sources indicate that even the smoke grenades aren’t doing enough as they only provide a temporary respite from the all encompassing drizzling, snowing gloom that hangs over the field in Rochester.

“Some people think I lit this smoke bomb off for the team, but I can’t actually feel my fingers so I didn’t even know it was lit until I looked up and saw the wind carrying it off,” stated one anonymous fan.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as our on-site reporter goes into a freezer to warm up and report.

Fan Of MLS Team In US Open Cup Game Ready To Have Worst Night Of His Life

INTERNET - Jeff Andrews, a soccer fan for an MLS team, is reportedly absolutely ready to have the worst night of his life as he watches a US Open Cup game where his team has a high probability of losing and he will remain irrationally angry about the result for years afterward.

“As I move into my 30s I’m ready to become extremely cynical and jaded about this team,” stated Andrews to The Nutmeg News. “And this is a real opportunity for my team to lose in a dramatic fashion crushing my spirit and lending a negative viewpoint to almost everything regarding the team for the next year or two.”

Sources say that Andrews prepared himself by irrationally claiming that, “THIS TEAM WILL NEVER LOSE TO A LOWER LEAGUE TEAM,” on every social media platform he could find as he attempts to create such a high in himself that the inevitable loss will crush his soul.

“It’s my time to shine,” stated Andrews. “I’m fully prepared to not accept the eventuality of this and throw my hat on the ground in front of me lacing the air with a fine peppering of profanities I learned by watching Chelsea games for the last three years. I may or may not punch a wall, as well.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Andrews gets a sinking feeling when he looks at the starting lineup.

San Jose Earthquakes Search Local PennySaver For New Head Coach

San Jose, CA - Stating, “this could be a good way for us to save some money,” the San Jose Earthquakes turned to their local PennySaver in order to find their next head coach.

“We need someone who is flexible with what constitutes the overall makeup and abilities of a professional soccer team,” stated one Earthquakes insider. “Honestly, finding someone in the PennySaver would really help us temper their expectations of what the job will entail. We really need someone who thinks the whole is experience is…. NEAT. Someone who thinks that the wooden spoon isn’t so bad if you think about it.”

Sources indicate that the Earthquakes have already reached out to Doug Harbottle, a 45 year dad of 3 with no professional licenses who coaches youth soccer from “coaching soccer for dummies” to see if he would be interested.

“He has former coaching experience and he said that he brings his own juice boxes and orange slices. That might save us another $5 per game,” stated our Earthquakes insider.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Harbottle complains about the lack of money available for player recruitment.

Minnesota Fan Expelled From Supporters Group Over Heath Bar Photo

Minneapolis, MN - Posting a picture of a Heath bar with the caption, “HEATH IN, to your mouth! Everyone knows this is great,” Minnesota United fan Chris Pouncy was expelled from Loon’s Farm, the Minnesota United Supporters Group dedicated to Minnesota United and wine coolers.

HEATH IN, TO YOUR MOUTH.

“It was determined that Chris was intentionally trolling our manifesto that requested the removal of Adrian Heath immediately and an apology to all fans for the disastrous start of this season,” stated Loon’s Farm president Jeffrey Bartles.

Sources close to Mr. Pouncy indicate that he was merely enjoying a snack as he stated, “WHO DOESNT LOVE TOFFEE? HONESTLY,” after receiving the notification that he was no longer a dues paying member.

“This fight about Adrian Heath is tearing us apart and it’s incredibly stupid,” stated Mr. Pouncy on his Facebook page which was immediately brigaded with comments comparing his words to the start of the team this season, the finish of the team last season, and the current situation in Ukraine.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Pouncy posts an apology to, “all the haters who can’t enjoy delicious Heath bars and Emanuel Reynoso,” on his Twitter account with great effect.

Run On Nose Plugs Reported After Columbus Crew Draws USOC Trip To Detroit City

Columbus, OH - Stating, “We must protect our proud, supple, bodily orafices,” Columbus Crew players and staff reportedly started a general run in the area on nose plugs, ear plugs and gas masks.

“The report is that the fans will assault you with smell,” stated one anonymous midfielder. “I’ve eaten Skyline Chili so I’m fine, but I’m worried about our midfielders.”

Sources indicate that the Crew purchased nose plugs in bulk and have their team working on open mouth running, a new trend.

“It is said that if you open your mouth, you can breathe through it instead of your nose,” stated one Crew athletic trainer. “We are working on that while having the team prepare for this game. We may end up sending some of our starting 11 for the game to train in the Cincinnati area in order to prepare for the assault on smell.”

For all the dire warnings about an assault on the senses, some Crew supporters are already prepared as one fan stated, “Honestly, this is nothing new. I always wear nose plugs when I go to Detroit.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Detroit City fans prepare to assault the fifth sense, proprioception.

FC Tulsa Files Grievance Over Being Included In Texas Region

Tulsa, Oklahoma - FC Tulsa, today, filed a grievance over being included in the “Texas Region” of the US Open Cup Draw as they repeatedly stated, “OKLAHOMA IS NOT TEXAS.”

Sources indicate that the club stated that, “Texas Sucks and Kansas Blows and that’s why Oklahoma is so windy,” as part of their petition to be included in literally any region than the Texas region.

“This is an outrage,” stated one anonymous FC Tulsa employee. “We have almost NOTHING in common with Texas except for our geographical, political, social similarities and our shared tolerance of Whataburger. If we are included in this geographical region we demand that the region be named by the winner of the Red River Rivalry, in which case this region would absolutely be called the Oklahoma Region.”

For their part, the Texas teams collectively stated that the Oklahoma response was, “A symptom of Oklahoma wanting to be a part of Texas, like usual.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FC Dallas accuses FC Tulsa of spreading “leftist Oklahoma values,” by virtue of the Braums down the street from the stadium.