Reggie Cannon Terminates Contract With F.C. Dallas After Argument Over J. Cole And Kendrick Lamar

Dallas, TX - F.C. Dallas defender Reggie Cannon terminated his contract with the team, today, after an argument with teammates and support staff over J. Cole and Kendrick Lamar turned heated.

“These guys looked me in my eye and said J Cole has been getting worse since his mixtapes,” Cannon stated. “I couldn’t believe it. They said Kendrick has a bigger impact on hip hop. How? To Pimp A Butterfly was a Jazz album. I immediately called up the Rapids and asked if they were open to any signings.”

Sources indicate that Cannon, Fafa Picault, and Ryan Hollingshead were vigorously discussing the legacy of Chris Brown, Michael Jackson and Elton John before moving into a heated discussion over the legacy of Kendrick Lamar.

“The real last straw for me was finding out Fafa hasn’t even listened to Illmatic. He has no grounds to talk about this stuff. Everyone else backed him up anyway. I can’t be a part of this team.”

Sources on the field indicate that Cannon and Picault were engaged in a passionate discussion while being frequently interrupted by Hollingshead.

“Fafa being wrong is one thing, but Ryan kept interrupting about the enduring legacy of Taylor Swift’s sold out concerts. I even caught him looking at Wikipedia after he told us both, ‘Did you know that J. Cole’s first name is Jermaine?’ I want OUT!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Cannon insists that General Managers should not contact him if their favorite rapper can’t be trusted by Metro Boomin.

Astronomers Predict “Incredible” Cosmic Collision In Space Between Waston Penalty Ball And Wondolowski World Cup Ball

Mount Graham, AZ - Astronomers with the Large Binocular Telescope at the Mount Graham International Observatory (MGIO) predict an, “Incredible,” cosmic collision in space between Kendall Waston’s penalty ball and Chris Wondolowski’s World Cup ball leading to an event that may light up the night sky soon.

“It’s incredible to see these two now celestial bodies meet like this,” stated MGIO Astronomer Anil Patil. The Wondolowski ball was in Mars gravitational pull for the last few years. The likelihood of these two balls hitting each other space was extremely low.”

Astrophysicist Gus Crawford predicted a spectacular event, "When two gaseous giants fall into each others orbits we can all expect to see some incredible things. This is just like when Bruce Arena took over for Jurgen Klinsmann during USMNT World Cup qualifying. Nothing really survived after that.”

According to our sources, NASA is carefully watching in case any of the former earthly objects collide and rebound back to Earth. The USMNT Astronomy division predicts that there should be nothing to worry about.

“A lot of our shots and penalties end up out there. We don’t really see what the big deal is about this whole thing. Half of the Van Allen radiation belt is made up of shots from USMNT fullbacks, midfielders and forwards,” stated MGIO director and lead USMNT Astronomer Leonard Chang.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Jurgen Locadia’s miss accelerates towards the singularity with increasing speed causing a brief flicker of hope in the heart of Dr. Venkatesh Belsare that perhaps the collision will just nullify the galaxy and solve the problem of everyone having to suffer through the rest of 2020.

CPL Island Games To Feature Newly Designed COVIDvisection Health And Safety Parameters

The newly announced Island Games by the Canadian Premier League will reportedly feature COVIDvisection administered by a Dr. Moreau of Cape Egmont.

Yes, we must speak with York 9 about their……….. transition.

“It is our intent to allow Dr. Moreau to administer our health and safety bubble with his newly announced COVIDvisection technique,” stated Montgomery, the director for the Island Games. “Dr. Moreau has long theorized that complimenting the human physique some some animal attributes would make Canadian Premier League players resistant to COVID-19. If you think about it, that theory isn’t really any more crazy than any of the batshit insane things said by the President of The United States.”

Sources indicate that Dr. Moreau is thrilled to have an opportunity to work with new techniques in vaccination, heath and safety by turning the entirety of Valour FC into a human/pig/tiger combination.

“We are excited to welcome all the healthy, lovely, lovely players to The Island,” stated Montgomery. “We know that we have the ability to really make a difference in their lives on a long term basis and we hope that they will enjoy the changes that will happen from 35 games with our support staff.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when we finish speaking to an unnamed whistleblower found in a raft off the coast of Cape Tormentine.

Epidemiologists Eager To Use Kendall Waston's Penalty Kick To Illustrate Why Wearing A Mask Keeps Particles From Spraying Everywhere

Cincinnati, OH - Epidemiologists at the Christ Hospital in Cincinnati were reportedly eager to use Kendall Waston’s penalty kick from the MLS IS BACK THE TOURNAMENT game against the Portland Timbers to illustrate why wearing a mask keeps particulates from spraying everywhere.

Wear A Mask.

“It’s a very clear example if you think about it,” stated Dr Laura Willis. “What we see is the perfect example of the spread of the the virus particles into the air around you. As Waston strikes the ball, it is as though an asymptomatic carrier is exhaling aerosols in a confined space. Those actions can propel this cloud of droplets from you up to 25 or 26 feet. A mask can disrupt this cloud and keep the virus particles from travelling.”

According to Dr. Willis, the idea of mask efficiency is illustrated by Waston’s penalty kick.

“We know that our normal breath consists of tiny water droplets and fluid from the lining of the lungs that carries bacteria, viruses, and other compounds. What we see with Kendall’s shot is the perfect example of spread, as I illustrated before. However, what we can also assume is that if there was something preventing him from sending out the particulate in the first place that it would keep the goal keeper and his teammates from watching a seemingly healthy asymptomatic individual from spreading the virus 20 feet over the top of the crossbar.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Dr Willis uses the bus driver celebration to illustrate the United States opening back up too early and the continued spread of the virus.

Don Garber Recovering From Collapse After Thinking Of Possible Orlando/Cincinnati Final

Orlando, FL - The commissioner of Major League Soccer, Don Garber, is reportedly recovering from a collapse and loss of senses after he attended a sponsorship and tv rights meeting that detailed the possibility of an Orlando v Cincinnati MLS IS BACK THE TOURNAMENT final.

“Atlanta and other markets would have been nice,” stated one MLS source, “but there have been plenty of Orlando based lawn care companies looking to possibly sponsor the finals. I’m not certain why he is so worried. Cincinnati against Orlando is compelling must-see television.”

According to the commissioner himself, Garber indicated that he was recovering well.

“I don’t know what happened. First I was looking at the tournament brackets as the groups and possible ramifications were explained and then I woke up on the ground with someone fanning me with money to revive me.”

For their part, the sponsorship and TV rights team of Major League Soccer remain bullish on the possibility of this unexpected final as they stated, “everyone knows that Cincinnati will drive the national television ratings through the roof. Why we’ve received sponsorship opportunities from three different local drywall companies and a heritage foundation started by Marge Schott. It’s going to be just fine.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Don Garber places a phone call to Carlos Vela.

Atlanta United Fan Group Blasts Interim Head Coach Over Lack Of Wins

Atlanta, GA - Atlanta United fan group @GlassMustGo blasted new interim head coach Stephen Glass for the recent lack of wins.

Ahhhh happier days.

“Since Glass took over for Frank de Boer Atlanta United hasn’t won anything,” stated the recently renamed Twitter account. “The Five Stripes haven’t scored a goal since his appointment and every day is a painful reminder of our glory days under Tata Martino two years ago.”

Atlanta United fans are reportedly flying a banner over the next practice asking for the ouster of the new coach appointed roughly an hour ago as they demanded better.

“Glass will not get us to the next level, he is a pale comparison to Tata Martino,” stated one Atlanta United fan. “Under Tata we were able to see our future destiny as the greatest team in the world, but under the leadership of Glass we haven’t won a single trophy or qualified for the playoffs.”

With some lobbing criticism at the Atlanta United fans for their vociferous disagreement with the appointment of Glass, Atlanta United fans state that these criticisms are unfounded.

“We only demand the best for our team and if that means calling for the firing of a coach who was appointed 1 hour ago then we will do that,” stated Dave Hughes from Marietta.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Atlanta United fans call for the appointment and dismissal of Jurgen Klopp

Amateur Soccer Historian Confident That Year 10 Is When He Starts Getting Paid For His Work

WASHINGTON - Amateur soccer historian Brian Oakes stated that he remained confident that year 10 is when he starts getting paid for his work as he completed another unpaid assignment for teams in his area from behind the wheel of his 2001 Toyota Corolla that he drives for Uber, Postmates, Door Dash and Grubhub.

Only a few more years of driving this Uber gig, working as a personal trainer, and working part time at the bar before someone notices how much I contribute.

“Eventually they will see all my contributions and my value and offer me a paid position commensurate with my skill and effort over the past 9 or 10 years,” stated Oakes to The Nutmeg News.

Oakes spent the last 9 years building a reputation for being the most informed and reliable voice in United States and New York soccer as he burnished his credentials with not only a vast knowledge of history but an incredible capacity at recalling obscure statistics for teams in the area.

“He’s really indispensable,” stated one DC United team insider. “Without his research and abilities we would be absolutely lost so we offered him a 20% off coupon for a new kit and a chance to attend any of the team special events provided that he is still in good standing with the team.”

Oakes reportedly brought up the idea of being paid for his work last year but was dismissed as, “not having enough experience and the team not having enough need,” despite being utilized every week for statistics and at least once a month for history and research.

Oakes also brought up the idea of being paid for his work this year but was told to, “not make waves on this front if you want to keep your access to the team.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Oakes states that year 11 and 2022 will be the year when he finally makes money for this job.

Showrunners Of MLS Is Back Tournament Leak That They Are Encouraged To Be, “As Drunk As Possible”

Orlando, FL - Showrunners and writers of the MLS Is Back tournament leaked to The Nutmeg News that they are encouraged to be, “As drunk as possible,” when writing storylines for this season.

Now, let’s get started with the morning meeting…. who has a bottle of Jack Daniels and who has a bottle of Cognac?

“Oh yeah, it’s been absolutely off the rails this time,” stated one source. “We knew that it was going to be a different season when we wrote off Dallas and Nashville in the pilot. That really set the tone.”

According to the details of leaked notes, the showrunners and writers started spit-balling ideas early about the composition of the tournament.

“What if Atlanta loses and Orlando wins? That’s the kind of twist our audience has been waiting to see.”

“Can we get Brek Shea back? Anyone know his agent? Let’s see if he is available and give him a few goals in the second act!”

“How about one of those comeback from nowhere games where we twist the knife on the VanStans while simultaneously doing a deus ex machina on San Jose. It’s a two for one and the fans will never see it coming!”

According to our source, the showrunners are planning on some spectacular plot twists in the knock out round leading to a climactic battle in the semi-finals before finishing with an ultimately unsatisfying attempt at closure in the finale.

“It’s going to be like Game Of Thrones,” stated our source. “Except instead of dragons and unfulfilled side quests about family swords we have Frank de Boer living up to the legacy of Tata Martino and side quests about trying to make Orlando into the sympathetic tournament pick.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as MLS Is Back Writers were figuring out how to make Cincinnati win the tournament at the time of the interview

Orlando Woman Hopes MLS Tournament Will Distract Her From The 7 Day Wait For Her COVID-19 Test Results

Orlando, FL - Jasmine Gutierrez stated that she really hopes the MLS Is Back tournament will distract her from the 7 day wait for her COVID-19 results.

“I’m just happy that all of the players on all the teams in the tournament are being tested repeatedly and getting their results back in a matter of hours as I’m on day 7 waiting for my results,” stated Gutierrez. “I got tired of waiting to find out if I’m contagious or not so I attended a Black Lives Matter protest anyway. I can’t just sit at home and think that I’m sick. My friend is taking me to Disney this weekend as a distraction and I’ll try to catch an Orlando City game outside at one of the bars if they are still showing them. The best way to distract myself is to pretend that everything is fine, no one is on a ventilator and that my favorite players are still kicking a ball.”

Gutierrez stated that she doesn’t know when she will get the results back but she still has to work and live.

“If the players are able to get tested and go back to work then I’m going to do the same thing,” stated Gutierrez. “I don’t know the result but I can’t sit around waiting to find out. I need to make money and Jamba Juice told me to come back…. so until I find out that I can’t work…. I’m just going to work.”

Friends state that Gutierrez has been a fan of Orlando City since the team was in the USL.

“She’s always loved the team so that’s likely why she feels an extreme sense of obligation to watch their games,” stated friend Chelsea Williams. “I keep telling her that the league testing people is a bunch of non-local athletes jumping the line, but then again… famous people, rich people and athletes getting special preference is what this country is all about.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Gutierrez finds out that she is positive and has the corona virus a mere 20 days after she took the test.

"Why Can't We Make Soccer Less Complicated In This Country," States Man Who Can't Convince Neighbor To Wear A Mask

Philadelphia, PA - Soccer fan Anthony Hughes took to the internet to complain about the current state of his favorite sport as he stated, “Why can’t we make soccer less complicated in this country,” while also admitting that he can’t convince his neighbor to wear a mask for the health of the neighborhood and his family.

Look at all these sheeple unable to breathe. SHEEP!

“I don’t understand why soccer has to be the way it is here,” stated Hughes as he simultaneously rebutted a number of comments on his Facebook page from high school friends and old acquaintances claiming COVID-19 is a conspiracy infection brought about by 5G and masterminded by Bill Gates.

“It doesn’t make sense. We have the infrastructure to really make a splash on the world stage if we could figure things out,” stated Hughes as he tried to argued with someone on Reddit that you should care about other people and that older American’s don’t, “deserve to die if that means I can get a haircut.”

Hughes was reportedly upset after noticing the problems suffered by leagues, teams and players where it is clear that the game of soccer has settled in with the overarching arc of United States society towards discordant, sometimes depressing but very profitable chaos.

“It seems like all we need is someone who can actually come in with a plan that will emphasize the stability of the leagues and maximize the growth of the sport without compromising the fans that got the sport where it is,” stated Hughes as he scrolled through Instagram noticing a number of pictures of friends and family across the nation out at bars, gyms and restaurants without masks.

“Oh well, I guess it’ll get better after the next election when we get someone that really cares about the game,” stated Hughes as he repeated the same phrase he said recently about the upcoming 2020 election.

The Nutmeg News will always have more on this.

Forward Madison To Temporarily Re-Brand As Sideways Wauwatosa

Madison, WI - USL League One club Forward Madison announced a temporary re-brand as Sideways Wauwatosa as the club announced a temporary move to the city in order to fulfill their obligation to the United Soccer League’s 2020 season.

“We must take this temporary measure to fulfill our 2020 USL League 1 season,” stated one Wauwatosa insider. “While we regret the inconvenience to our fans in Madison, we find that this offers us a new opportunity to grow our brand within the Wauwatosa city limits.”

Sources indicate that with the move comes a focused effort to diversify the animal mascots of Sideways Wauwatosa as the club temporarily transitions away from Full Mingo to a more appropriately local reference of the Firefly.

“Instead of FullMingo come with us and FireFly away as we elevate towards the top of the standings in Wauwatosa,” stated Sideways Wauwatosa. “We will be releasing an upcoming video detailing our commitment to the FireFly as we show our FireFly spirit.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Wauwatosa skatepark users at Hart Park hope the overflow traffic doesn’t mess up their sick kickflips.

MLS Swear Jar Provides Funds For Post Game Orange Slices And Pizza

Orlando, FL - The implementation of a Major League Soccer (MLS) swear jar was brought about, before the tournament, to provide funds for post game orange slices and pizza for the players and referees, it was announced.

“We told the players not to limit themselves, but that we would have a swear jar available for all kinds of delicate and indelicate on-field swearing,” stated Mark Abbot, president of Major League Soccer.

Players were told that a casual, “shit,” would be a $10 contribution, while a, “fuck” would be a $50 swear jar contribution.

“There’s an escalating amount of money that goes in the swear jar from low level swearing offences all the way up to a near-camera energetic, ‘motherfucker.’ It’s important for us to allow the players to be themselves while also finding a way to mitigate this somewhat,” stated one MLS source. “While we don’t want to stop swearing, but we could also encourage our players to go to more non-traditional swearing and insults.”

Rumors keep swirling that MLS officials have reached out to Scottish players and consultants for a litany of inventive and non-repetitive swear words.

“The Scottish are the masters of the game,” stated one anonymous player. “We are learning a lot, although we need a translator for most of these references.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as league officials can’t determine whether or not to fine Alejandro Bedoya for using the word combination of Jobby Scrote.

Area Man Has Been Watching US Soccer Since 1993 And, "Just Wants You To Know That, Ok?"

Tampa, FL - Soccer fan Brad Lightfoot has been watching US Soccer since 1993 and, “just wants you to know that, ok?”

“Yes, It’s been a long time and I’ve seen a lot of players come through the system,” stated Lighfoot to his Facebook group. “I’ve been watching this sport since 1993. When did you get into the sport? Was it recently? I bet it was.”

Friends state that Lightfoot leads any discussion about current USMNT players with a discussion of the longevity of Jeff Agoos and the sterling defensive acumen of Tony Meola.

“He spent the good part of 90 minutes talking about the what-if scenarios of John O’Brien’s career and connected that speech into a long winded diatribe about the time he wrote an update on his Geocities page about the legacy of Thomas Dooley after I asked him if he saw Christian Pulisic’s goal,” stated good friend James Wasserman. “I tuned out when he started talking about Desmond Armstrong.”

We reached out to Mr. Lightfoot for comment and he stated, “Do you know about Joe-Max Moore? Did you watch your soccer on Setanta Sports? Or is that too old? Look, if you know about the history of soccer in the United States then maybe we should talk about Billy Gonsalves, even though I’m pretty certain that’s well before YOUR time.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Lightfoot leads off his podcast on the nuances of the financial history of the game with a description of the playing career of Marcelo Balboa.

OPINION: Courage Is Leaving Your Family For Two Months To Play Sports For My Entertainment

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from Sean Anderson of Youngstown, OH. The viewpoints and opinions of Mr. Anderson do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

WEBSTERS defines courage as, mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty.

And so we must ask ourselves whether those that decide to put the health and safety of their loved ones over the eternal war that is kicking a ball at speed for money can really define themselves as courageous at all.

When my grandfather, one of the greatest generation, faced down the hail of bullets as a member of the signal corps in Korea he did so understanding that his wife may never see him again.

Yet today, we see member after member from an entirely different kind of generation fail to pick up their duty and go into the line of battle, 11 v 11, mano a mano in order to maintain the health and safety of their loved ones. This is pure cowardice.

I DEMAND entertainment. I DEMAND the ability to not have to think about the world for 90 minutes. I DEMAND they ensure that the billionaires that run the sport do not lose 1% of their overall assets.

My brother-in-law didn’t do a tour in Kuwait in order for people like Carlos Vela and Nedum Onuoha to sit at home and protect their families.

My brother in law would’ve run out into the hail of balls being passed to him without wearing a mask while holding an American flag and a flamethrower daring the virus to take his lungs and give him deep vein thrombosis if he wasn’t spending most of his time trying to get the VA to approve his shoulder surgery to fix a long term injury that keeps him on disability and unable to do any manual labor which got him unceremoniously fired from his job 8 months after he returned.

Anyway, I am bored. And if the result of playing 2 months in Orlando is that a couple of 82 year old grandmothers and 23 year old soccer players have a chance of contracting COVID-19 then let’s PLAY BALL.

Thank you,

Sean Anderson

Youngstown, OH

MLS Announces New Health And Safety Initiative To Shut Down Rampant Spread Of MLSCovidCup Twitter Account

Orlando, FL - On the heels of FC Dallas being removed from the MLS Is BACK The TOURNAMENT due to a number of COVID-19 tests within the players and staff, Commissioner Don Garber announced a new health and safety initiative to shut down the rampant spread of the @MLSCovidCup Twitter account.

“Better parody than us.”

“The MLS Covid Cup account is thought to spread mainly through close contact from person-to-person,” stated Garber. “Some people without Twitter may be able to spread the account. We are still learning about how the account spreads and the severity it causes.”

Sources say that the league is concerned that the account is spreading among players in the bubble as well as spreading across the soccer landscape in North America.

“If this keeps up we will have to strongly consider the idea of cancelling the twitter accounts of all the players,” stated one anonymous insider. “The league knows that the account is highly contagious, like measles, while other twitter accounts do not spread so easily. They are concerned that the account may be spreading in other ways such as by touching a surface tablet or an object that has the account on it… like Facebook… and then touching their own mouth, nose or possibly their eyes. This is not thought to be the main way the account spreads, but we are still learning more about how this twitter account spreads.”

With a number of players testing positive and then negative for the Twitter account, sources indicate that Garber will instruct strict measures to ferret out the source of the account by possibly leaking false information to one person and seeing if that’s what ends up on the account.

“He’s gonna go full Rebekah Vardy and Colleen Rooney up in this,” stated one league insider. “Just wait, there’s gonna be some crazy rumors coming out.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as scientists become concerned about the account spreading to players outside the bubble in other leagues.

FC Dallas Eliminated From MLS Playoffs

Orlando, FL - Commissioner Don Garber announced, today, that FC Dallas are eliminated from the 2020 MLS Playoffs after withdrawing from the MLS IS BACK THE TOURNAMENT.

“As the group stage counts toward regular season,” stated Garber to a Zoom Conference Call, “we can officially announce that FC Dallas will not be making the 2020 regular season playoffs which will ABSOLUTELY happen at some point this year.”

Fans in the Dallas area were disappointed at the situation as FC Dallas made the playoffs 5 out of the last 6 seasons.

“It’s pretty gutting,” stated sports fan Jacob Hannover. “But if the league is too afraid to play with our natural COVIDvantage then they shouldn’t get to experience the true freedom of shopping at a grocery store without a mask.”

Analysts say that this is just a byproduct of attempting to lend a sense of gravitas to an unusual situation by tying it to something that wasn’t guaranteed to happen as soccer historian Davd B. Burnham stated, “I can’t believe they thought this would actually all happen. They thought everything was going to just …. go on…. during a pandemic….. without a hitch? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Ok, but about this so called regular season….”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FC Dallas just considers pulling out of whatever the regular season will be as well.

Vancouver Whitecaps Admit They May Not Be Let Back Into Canada After Travelling To The MLS COVID Cup

Vancouver, BC - Sources with the Vancouver Whitecaps admit that they may not be let back into Canada after travelling to Orlando for the Major League Soccer (MLS) COVID Cup.

“We’ve had some discussions about it and it’s a risk we are willing to have our players take,” stated Whitecaps CEO, Sporting Director, Charity Consultant, Digital Rights Manager, and Social Media manager Axel Schuster. “It’s important for our team to be ready and prepared and we’ve calculated in the amount of players that we can have get sick while still being able to fulfill the sponsorship agreements that we have in place.”

Sources with the team indicate that the Whitecaps front office were told by the Canada Border Services Agency (CBSA) that travel restrictions are still in place at all Canadian international border crossings.

“These measures will remain in place until at least July 21,” stated Jerry McKenzie with the CBSA. “We are under no obligation to let a bunch of super spreaders from one of the worst hit COVID areas back into our country. They can stay in Orlando indefinitely.”

According to the CBSA, Canadian citizens and permanent residents can continue to enter Canada by right, and are subject to COVID-19 entry screening measures including a possible 14 day quarantine. However, the CBSA indicated that anyone going to Orlando voluntarily should probably just play on buying property around the Gulf Coast and transitioning their career from a soccer player to a dissident shrimp boat captain.

For their part, the Whitecaps players remain excited to possibly be exposed to a deadly pandemic while being stuck in a hotel and waiting around to find out what happens next as a number of them stated, “yeah this is great,” while going back to scrolling through their phone trying to distract themselves from all of the rumors floating around the tournament.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this if the Whitecaps ever actually make it to the airplane to fly to Orlando.

Major League Soccer Announces The Double Trouble Bubble Bobble, An MLS Is Back The Tournament Initiative

Orlando, FL - From the depths of 26 floors down a disinfected elevator shaft, past a socially distanced guard dog named Brutus, down the hallway with a germ sensing laser grid and two retinal scanner door ways, Major League Soccer (MLS) commissioner Don Garber announced the Double Trouble Bubble Bobble, an MLS Is Back The Tournament initiative.

“I was blowing bubbles outside recently and two bubbles floated into each other and just kind of stuck together and that’s when I got an idea,” stated Garber to the collected reporters there by tele-presence. “we need multiple bubbles. So we’ve created the Double Trouble Bubble Bobble for players and staff.”

Sources indicate that the Double Trouble Bubble Bobble is much like the original MLS Bubble but better.

“It’s a lot better. It’s the best. It’s so much better than the original bubble because it means that the original bubble was shit! This is the best bubble, the second one. There’s no way that virus is getting inside THIS time.”

According to reports, FC Dallas will soon announce that they are part of the Double Trouble Bubble Bobble initiative and will still play their upcoming game in 7 days despite the multiple positive COVID-19 tests.

“The SECOND bubble will not fail us like the first bubble. That was an inferior bubble for some teams. The second bubble will certainly insulate teams and support staff from the very real situation that is the COVID-19 pandemic,” stated Garber.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as players complain that the only food in the second bubble is dry toast and a protein shake.

FC Dallas Advertises For Midfield Help On TaskRabbit

Orlando, FL - After receiving a number of COVID-19 positive tests within the team, Major League Soccer side FC Dallas reportedly put out an advertisement for midfield help on the freelance labor marketplace TaskRabbit.

“They realized that the team was in danger of being entirely quarantined,” stated one anonymous source. “Since they can’t really sign anyone right now they asked for an allowance from Major League Soccer for temporary labor.”

The advertisement on TaskRabbit, which bills itself as an American online and mobile marketplace that matches freelance labor with local demand, asked for help with the midfield, defenders and forwards for the MLS team.

“Do you have futsal or FIFA experience? Ever had dreams of playing professional soccer? Well we have the job for you,” read the advertisement. “Must be COVID FREE or at least willing to take a test and must bring own boots and shinguards.”

Several general managers within the league raised the objection that this could be an end around on labor rules, but according to the league they will do literally anything at this point to keep the MLS IS BACK, the tournament…. running.

“They don’t care what has to happen,” stated one league source. “Every team could test positive and they would hire scabs. At this point, the tournament is going to happen come hell, high water or unseen viruses that could cause long term lung damage.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FC Dallas discovers that a local uber driver used to play for IMG in Bradenton.

Woman Certain That Scrolling Through Her Social Media Feed For The 234th Time This Morning Will Make Her Happy

Seattle, WA - Seattle Sounders fan Bridgette Coogan stated that she was absolutely certain that scrolling through her social media feed of Instagram, Twitter, Reddit and Facebook for the 234th time this morning would make her happy as she continued staring at the screen with a dazed look in her eyes.

“Ok, this time I’m going to find something good on this phone while I go outside on a walk”

“I know that somewhere there is something on here that will make me happy,” mumbled Coogan from under her comforter. “And I’m going to look all morning long if that’s what it takes.”

Coogan reportedly woke up at 6:30 am and grabbed her cell phone from her bedside table before settling into her daily routine of scrolling through everything, closing her phone, setting it on her bed, sighing, having her finger twitch, grabbing her phone, unlocking her phone and then beginning the process again.

“They say you should have a routine during times like this and I find that this really helps center me to the absolute unending despair that nearly everyone else is feeling in this country right now,” stated Coogan. “It’s really helpful to go online and find that nearly everything in this country is falling apart. It would be irresponsible to not look, right? I need to know. I can’t miss out. Remember the murder hornets?”

Coogan stated that she even finds it difficult to get excited for the upcoming MLSISBACK tournament as she stated, “it’s just another reminder of everything we are missing and putting the safety of the players that I love in jeopardy so billionaires won’t lose money.”

However, despite her sadness, Coogan stated that she was working hard to find the positives as she claimed, “at least my 85 year old grandfather is still alive and safe in the apartment attached to my parents house. Hopefully my parents don’t get sick because their healthcare coverage is terrible, mine is worse, and no one can afford to take care of anyone right now.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Coogan starts the 9:00 hour by unfriending a high school acquaintance who posts racist comments on George Floyd and looking for the updated COVID-19 numbers from Florida and California.