MLS To Use Healthy PPG (Players Per Game) System To Determine Playoff Seeding

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer announced, today, that in light of a recent spate of positive COVID-19 cases requiring the cancellation of games that they would use Healthy PPG (Players Per Game) to determine playoff seeding.

“Obviously we want all the qualified teams in the playoffs,” stated one league insider. “But in some cases they may not have enough healthy players to play. In those cases the teams with a lower PPG will actually get a higher seeding in hopes that they will recover from the pandemic sweeping this nation.”

Insiders indicate that this could lead to an overall shakeup of the league standings as teams with positive tests will leap forward in the rankings.

“What we want to see are games with healthy players,” stated one team doctor. “So what we are saying is that if you get COVID or your team gets COVID that you will get a break for a week in the playoffs.”

Teams within the league are reportedly balancing the idea between having a bye and a few players sick, and playing more games but having a healthy squad after the news was announced.

“So on one hand I was thinking of not going out to the bar,” stated one midfielder. “but on the other hand…. we could use a week off.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more games are cancelled.

Javier "Chicharito" Hernandez Wins LA Galaxy Halloween Costume Contest As A Ghost

LOS ANGELES - Javier “Chicharito”’ Hernandez reportedly won the LA Galaxy Halloween costume contest as a ghost, according to insider reports.

A picture of Chicharito’s costume.

“You just couldn’t see him,” stated one anonymous report. “He was completely invisible! It was amazing.”

Sources with the team say that Hernandez has been taking his preparation for the costume contest seriously over the past few months as he works on being invisible for longer and longer.

“He really took this to another level,” stated one team source. “There were times where he was even a ghost at practice! It was SPOOKY! It’s like he just stopped existing.”

Despite all the accolades, Hernandez’s win reportedly ruffled the feathers of other Galaxy players who claimed that the forward had just simply not showed up. However, according to trainers they said that they knew he was there, even if he was invisible to his teammates.

“Oh yes! He was there,” stated one anonymous trainer. “Just because the boys couldn’t see him doesn’t mean he wasn’t there. I saw him for certain. I guarantee. When you see a spec of light out of the corner of your eye? That’s Chicharito!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hernandez claims that he will continue to be a ghost for the rest of the year.

USL Announces That Championship Will Go To Team With Least Amount Of Racial And Homophobic Slurs During The 2020 Season

NEW YORK - The United Soccer League (USL), today, announced that in light of the recent COVID outbreak, that the USL Championship will be decided by which team in the championship has the least amount of racial and homophobic slurs over the past season.

“We felt like this was a decision that we should make given the staggered nature of the competition,” stated USL director of public relations Beth Howard. “It’s important to note that we will be combing through the season exhaustively to ensure that we research both teams before awarding the championship.”

Fans of both Phoenix Rising and the Tampa Bay Rowdies state that the are uncertain as to which team will win the trophy.

“You never know,” stated one Phoenix fan. “Maybe the VAR Championship squad will find something that some Rowdies player said that was never reported.”

For their part, Phoenix Rising are protesting the possibility of ending the season this way as they stated, “one more reference to this and we will WALK RIGHT OFF THE FIELD.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Championship is moved to Walter Reed Hospital.

LA Galaxy Fan Celebrates End Of Baseball Season By Looking Forward To End Of Soccer Season

LOS ANGELES - As the confetti fell down and the Los Angeles Dodgers celebrated winning the World Series, Galaxy fan Eddie Ramos celebrated by fondly looking forward to the end of the season for the Galaxy.

“Oh god I can’t wait for it to be over,” stated Ramos as he looked to see how many games were left and then sighed. “IT really can’t be over soon enough.”

Ramos has been perpetually disappointed from start to finish with nearly every facet of the Galaxy season with the exception of Cristian Pavon as he counts down to the firing of Schelotto and the hopeful removal of Chris Klein.

“If we lost every remaining game and fired Klein I would consider this season a success,” stated Ramos. “At this point, I’m looking forward to the offseason and leaving behind this shit year.”

Ramos still is watching every game but admits that the season has taken a toll as he now finds himself just rooting for things like, “the end of the game,” and, “someone doing something to fix this shit.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ramos comes down from his post Dodgers celebration, sighs, opens a beer and gets ready for another Galaxy game.

Colorado Rapids Announce "Among Us" COVID-19 Promotion

Denver, CO - The Colorado Rapids, today, announced an “Among Us” COVID-19 promotion for their upcoming games.

“We will be starting our adventure with 11 players, 2 of whom will be imposters infected with COVID-19,” stated Rapids director of marketing, player scouting, social media and setting up cones Dale Williams. “The goal of the game will be to have the players figure out which of them are the imposters and eject them from the game into quarantine so they can play next weekend.”

Team sources indicate that players are already being paranoid about the situation as they keep accusing each other of, “pretending to finish tasks but just standing around.”

“Keegan Rosenberry was with me the whole time,” stated Lalas Abubakar. “Cole Bassett. He is very sus. I saw him standing by a vent and he looked like he was going to jump in. I swear. That’s why I pressed the button. We need to vote him off. HE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS GOING TO JUMP. WHY DOESNT ANYONE UNDERSTAND HE IS THE ONE?!”

Even goalkeepers are fighting back as William Yarbrough stated, “I was already sus of a few people before this game even started. Some people have just been sitting in the ice baths, I saw them on cams. Do NOT let Orange follow you. He was wandering around the hallways and wasn’t doing anything. Everyone should know I was in the airlock when we discovered the positive test. It couldn’t be me. Vote to kick out orange!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the imposters win again.

Incredibly Nosy Reporters Write Hit Piece On Beloved Soccer Billionaires

INTERNET - Fans of soccer teams across North America were apoplectic as a pair of incredibly nosy reporters with The Athletic wrote a hit piece based upon publicly available information on the political contributions of the beloved soccer billionaires that own franchises in Major League Soccer

“How DARE they,” stated Jennifer Williams of Los Angeles. “What did Phil Anschutz do to deserve this? You donate A FEW TIMES to anti-LGBTQ organizations that help run conversion camps that torture LGBTQ kids into thinking they are straight and that makes you a bad guy? These are shades of grey!”

Fans in staunchly progressive locations were even offended on behalf of their franchise owners as Steve Williams of Portland stated, “Hank Paulson just donated a few dollars to a party that believes in things that go against all the T.I.F.O we make and that’s a problem? Ha! I hate all those reporters who had to dig through all the dirty laundry to make this a conversation. This is just gotcha journalism. None of us even recognize that Hank is involved in the team. It’s all about Merritt and Merritt is great! He hates most of the fans that I hate and that’s just fun.”

“This is all the reporters faults,” stated Harold Harlan of Cincinnati. “If they didn’t report then I wouldn’t have to know. I don’t need to know the things I don’t need to know because I wouldn’t like them. What I need to know is the things I don’t know that I would like to know. Like, you know…. stories about owls who live in houses or videos of cats being scared by bananas.”

Nashville fan Jerrit Brown repeatedly stated to nearly every account with a positive interaction with the story online, “These are all well known things. Billionaires taking care of themselves. No one should be shocked. This is not a story.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as soccer fan Bruce Arnold states that he fundamentally disagrees with talking about the private donations of billionaires as he states, “Just because I don’t support Black lives matter doesn’t mean I’m a racist.”

Google Reports 573830583% Increase In "What Is The Supporters Shield" Searches Over The Past Year

INTERNET - Google Trends reported a 573830583% increase in “What Is The Supporters Shield” searches relative to last year as the search engine was inundated with this question over the past 48 hours.

Reports indicate that “What Is The Supporters Shield” searches seemed to peak on October 18th, 2020 in one massive push mostly supported by the subregion of Ontario, Canada.

“It’s interesting to note that the related topics were Supporters’ Shield - Award and MLS - Soccer League,” stated director of Analytics Geoff Rowsten. “We saw a massive spike from Tim Horton’s parking lots across the Ontario province.”

THIS DATA IS INTERESTING, BUT WE NEED MORE

Additionally, researchers say that when the search was less restricted, that people searching for just Supporters Shield had some very informative queries.

“What we see here is a strong break out of Toronto FC fans figuring out what the supporters’ shield is and connecting the announcement to the fact that they likely will not be receiving it,” stated Google researcher James Wilson. “If we look at the data by the United States we see the interest over time, and it becomes clear that we are looking at the passion of the Supporters Shield in evidence specifically in Canada.”

Sources with the Internet giant say that they scaled up their operations in the Toronto area during the push but things are back to normal.

“We see that we are more or less back to the a flat line again, and we anticipate this to be the case until next year or the year after or the next time a global pandemic forces a partial restructuring of the entire league.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we send our reporter out to photograph the Supporters Shield parade for this season.

USL Publishes Instagram Post Claiming That THEY Are The Ones Leaving MLS B Teams

INTERNET - The United Soccer League (USL) published a verbose Instagram post on Friday claiming that, in fact, they are the ones leaving the MLS B teams and not the other way around.

“They didn’t leave us, we left them,” stated the long winded post. “We told them, first, that we were leaving them and everyone should know that it was OUR decision.”

With the announcements made that some MLS teams would be pulling out of the USL, the league wanted to make certain that it retained the dignity that remains during this painful breakup.

“It was always, ‘me, me, me, me, me,’ and we just got tired of it,” stated the USL post. “What about OUR needs? What about growing the game? What about a pathway to pro? What about having fans actually want to come out to see the game instead of the barren wastelands of their stadiums? They can spin it however they want, but we broke up with THEM.”

For their part, the USL B teams indicated that the separation was mutual. However, this did nothing to calm the righteous anger of the USL as they released a flurry of text messages between them and other teams.

“They were trying to have a relationship with only each other! There was a sordid attempt at some kind of group situation next year! We couldn’t stand the cheating.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the USL posts a screencap picture of an IPhone Notes message that indicates they are taking some time away from social media to work on themselves.

Fan Photogrammetry Indicates 4% Possibility Caleb Porter Is Smiling Underneath Mask

Columbus, OH - A recent blogpost using fan photogrammetry to measure angles indicates that there is a 4% possibility that Columbus Crew head coach Caleb Porter is actually smiling underneath his mask.

“You have to look at the lines of the face compared to the lines of the background,” stated smile truther Jacob Williams. “Trust me, it’s there. The smile is there. To deny the smile is akin to denying the moon. It’s there.”

Reasonable Crew fans indicate that there is no such possibility that Caleb Porter is smiling as his dour expression can be read through the mask, however Williams pushed ahead with his Smile conspiracy anyway.

“I think that if you look at the shape of the corner of his eyes as they pivot here,” Williams played with a small portion of the video interview as he moved the timeline back and forth, “that you will see Porter’s eyes… well… smize as Tyra Banks would say. It is CONCLUSIVE. Back, and the smile lines are tight. BACK…. and the smile lines are tight. Again…. look. BACK… and the SMILE LINES ARE TIGHT. Why cannot anyone admit this?”

For their part, Crew fans indicate that Porter remains nonplussed in all facial features as he repeatedly and consistently keeps the same expressions.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this a source from inside the Columbus Crew claims that Porter was smiling underneath his mask in Nippert Stadium before the game as he walked across the grassy hole by the team bench.

FC Cincinnati Fan Refuses To Criticize Anything But His Fellow Fans

Cincinnati, OH - FC Cincinnati fan Philip Peterson refused to criticize anything regarding FC Cincinnati except for his fellow fans that he castigated repeatedly for being fake snowflakes, on Thursday morning.

Artists rendition

“I don’t think ANYONE should be allowed to criticize the team,” stated Peterson as he castigated the fans for not performing well. “All of you are complete embarrassment.”

FC Cincinnati, who recently played 13 games with only one win, snapped a 5 game winless streak as they defeated the Columbus Crew in front of a stark empty supporters section.

“The effort by the fans over the last two years has been terrible. They have not given it their all and this game is just another example of them not being up to par in this league,” stated Peterson. “I’m looking forward to a new acquisition for 2021 that brings in new effort and hard work for the upcoming season because the fans this year just don’t cut it. Just look at all the losses! It’s all the fans fault.”

Cincinnati is currently sitting second from last place in the Eastern Conference with 4 wins after 18 games as they followed up a 2019 season that saw the Ohio team close out with a horrific -44 goal differential and 22 losses.

“It’s all the fault of the entitled, snowflake fans,” stated Peterson to Twitter. “If the fans backed the team and supported better then they wouldn’t have had a -44 goal differential. Why I bet we could’ve had a -43 goal differential in 2019, maybe even a -42 goal differential. This whole situation is 100% the fans fault and I think everyone knows that.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Peterson also criticizes the removal of the banners he didn’t help display and the quality of the banners he didn’t paint.

1-800 Contacts Order Finally Comes In For Referees In USL Playoffs

With the USL Playoffs starting this past weekend, referees with the Professional Referee’s Organization announced today that the 1-800 Contacts order they placed two weeks ago finally came this Tuesday as they assured everyone that nothing was missed.

The contacts are here! The contacts are here! Finally!

“We have everything under control,” stated PRO spokesman Tom Williams. “Everyone was ready to go and there were no issues.”

According to reports from inside the organization, there were some worries that refereeing a playoff game without contacts would lead to some incorrect calls, but a quick survey of the news coming out of the playoffs indicate that nothing could be further from the truth.

“It appears that we all did a great job,” stated one referee who wished to remain anonymous. “Despite not being able to accurately see anyone or anything for 90 minutes, the games finished, there was a winner and everyone was happy.”

With the new contacts order finally in, referees admit they expect and even higher level of accuracy going forward as they stated, “NOW is our time to shine. Certainly we were very lucky that nothing untoward happened during the first round, but NOW we are going to make all the correct calls.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as San Antonio and Sacramento fans never let this go.

MLS 2020 Season May Never End After Schedule Makers Book COVID Postponed Games After MLS Cup

NEW YORK - Schedule makers for Major League Soccer (MLS) indicated that the 2020 season may never end after they were forced to book COVID postponed games after MLS Cup.

Look, it has a mad face. Now do you understand the threat?

“There’s only so many games a team can play in a week or a month,” stated one anonymous schedule maker. “At some point we have to start booking all these Rapids, Minnesota United, Orlando City, Columbus Crew and Real Salt Lake games after MLS Cup.”

With some of the games postponed and others in danger of being postponed, the schedule became so backlogged that there was no way forward.

“What, do you expect Colorado to have to play 10 games in 10 days?” stated one source. “Because at some point there’s a breakover where we just have to move the current 2020 games to January or February. They might still be playing out the 2020 season at the start of the 2021 season. There’s no telling how far this goes.”

Sources indicate that the league is exploring all possibilities other than having COVID positive teams forfeit games including having a B team play closed door games, using Football Manager to simulate results and/or having a televised game of socially distanced cornhole.

“If this doesn’t change we are going to be having doubleheaders,” stated our source. “So I just hope we aren’t having to go back and retroactively add teams to the playoffs after MLS Cup. That would be awkward.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as some teams intentionally test positive in order to move games to the end of the year.

D.C. United Ownership Announce They Are Willing To Give New Manager The Same Level Of Backing As Ben Olsen

WASHINGTON - D.C. United General Manger Dave Kasper promised to keep the team on track, in the wake of Ben Olsen being removed as head coach, by announcing that the Ownership of the team is willing to give the same level of financial backing for the new manager as they did during Olsen’s tenure.

“It’s important to ensure that we keep this train rolling,” stated Kasper to The Nutmeg News. “This is a fiscally cozy and aggressively value conscious team that is ready find some great bargains on our way to 8th or maybe even 7th or maybe even 5th place with an outside chance to make the playoffs if we get the right kind of run in.”

Sources with the United front office state that D.C. United Holdings is committed to ensuring that the team continue on the same path as before as they task Kasper to ensure the continued success of the brand.

“There’s no rock Kasper is willing to not overturn to find the right kind of player that will help off the bench,” stated one United staffer. “This is just a matter of maintaining that D.C. United mantra of Traditionally going to spend money on players that don’t entirely pan out and leave after a few years.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as the fans prepare to update their Olsen Out talk for whomever comes next.

President Trump Says He Will Not Participate In Virtual-Style Watch Party With American Outlaws

WASHINGTON - President Donald Trump, today, stated that he would not participate in a virtual-style watch party with the American Outlaws for any upcoming international games that the team plays while he is still President.

“NO VIRTUAL WATCH. PARTY. VOTE. CORRUPTION. CNN FAKE NEWS. #BIGGESTCONSPIRACYINHISTORY,” Tweeted a bucolic President Of The United States. “2ND AMMENDMANT! LIES! MICHAEL BRADLEY FAKE NEWS”

Sources indicate that advisers to the President attempted to get him to commit to a series of virtual watch parties in order to support the USMNT and give him a patriotic edge, however the President passed on the idea in a series of rants on twitter.

“CANT PLAY CORN HOLE VIRTUAL,” read one of the Tweets from the President Of The United States who then fired off a few more tweets.

“CANNOT ICE BRO ZACK PARTY SCREEN IN WAY, LEFT WING ELECTION INTERFERENCE. FAKE NEWS.”

“WOW THERES WOMEN ON THIS CALL ARE USWNT PLAYING? CUZ U LIE TO ME TANNER. LEFT WING EMBARRASMENT.”

“PATRIOTIC AMERICANS DONT WATCH UNITED STATES SOCCER, LUV U GOD”

“CRAZY NANCY = COMMUNIST RUSSIA = 25TH AMENDMENT - CORONAVIRUS DEFEATED”

“USMNT WIN + JEFF CAMRON PATRIOT”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the President accuses US Soccer of colluding with foreign federations to not play games with fans.

Music Fan Irritated At Lack OF EDM Based Soccer Chants

NEW YORK - NYCFC fan Carl Harbottle was reportedly irritated at the lack of EDM based soccer chants as he encouraged fans around the league to start adapting songs from his favorite genre for their teams.

“EDM Lyrics are just 1 to 2 bar samples anyway. They lend themselves to chants,” stated Harbottle to The Nutmeg News. “I don't think it's THAT hard to get everyone to simultaneously sing the part of Deadmau5 2448 where the beat drops. EVERYONE knows that song. That’s just an easy thing to do. It’s not like I’m asking people to sing s950tx16wasr10 from Syro by Aphex Twin. Now THAT would be a challenge for only the greatest supporters group and I really think we can get it going next season if we focus and have 10 to 15 extra-curricular practices with a trained vocal coach.”

According to Harbottle, performing the complicated upbeat tracks would not be difficult if Supporters Groups would organize themselves better.

“Screamers get to the starboard side of the group! Anyone with ADHD get buckets and sticks! I'm working on being able to imitate Aphex Twin's Roland MC-4 Microcomposer synth from the Analord 1 days. Everyone else spin in a circle and try to imitate the hollow sound of a percussive beat, but don’t pass out!”

With Harbottle putting the challenge out to fans across the league he said that he doesn’t really want to be pretentious about the whole scenario.

“What’s important is finding a new well for fans to sing from. So, here's an oldie that everyone knows. When they're introducing the starting players Fire Fans could do, ‘Chicago Fire Starters.... Twisted Chicago Fire Starters,’ and that’s just the start. Sporting Kansas City fans could sing the synth part from Eric Prydz Opus or they could go with something simple like the booming part of Hardwell’s Spaceman. It would be easy.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Harbottle tries to start a letter writing campaign to have all night games start with glow sticks and the stadium lights turned off.

"Alphonso Davies," States Marc Dos Santos In Response To Media Questions

San Jose, CA - During the post-match press conference following the Vancouver Whitecaps 0-3 loss to the San Jose Earthquakes, Head Coach Marc Dos Santos responded to 16 separate questions by simply saying Alphonso Davies’ name.

Dos Santos, whose team is at the bottom of the Western Conference after their 4th straight defeat, showed up at the podium wearing Davies’ Bayern Munich #19 jersey and accompanying scarf. After 16 straight Alphonso Davies responses, Dos Santos was finally asked if he had any idea what he was doing. At that point, the coach proudly held up a Davies Canadian National Team kit and began singing “O’ Canada” at the top of his lungs.

Axel Schuster, Vancouver Sporting Director and CEO, stood in support of his coach repeating the name of their former player.

“Alphonso Davies. ALPHONSO DAVIES. AL. PHON. SO. DAVIES. He plays for Bayern, you know. BAYERN MUNICH, not Bayer Leverkusen. Alphonso Davies career is the pinnacle and greatest achievement of our franchise in Major League Soccer,” Schuster Explained. “We are strongly considering a rebrand to the name Alphonso Davies FC.”

A member of the Whitecaps media team immediately reminded Schuster that the club won the 2015 Canadian Championship which then caused the entire room to erupt into uncontrollable laughter.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Dos Santos asks the players to channel the spirit of Alphonso Davies before their next game.

"Against Modern Politics," States Man Fuming At Harris/Pence Split Scarf

Salt Lake City, UT - Democrat Supporters Group member Ralph Hughes stated that he was, “against modern politics,” as he fumed at the Harris/Pence split scarf being sold outside the 2020 Vice Presidential Debates.

“Politics for Fans not CNN,” stated Hughes to his Twitter account @RedStateBrigade. “I remember when the old arles would bust up with different firms before the Vice Presidential debates, not this modern politics shite.”

Hughes then went on a lengthy diatribe about how vice presidential debates used to be back before national television contracts and vice-presidents on 500k a week.

“Back during Dole v Mondale a bunch of us jumped a rival crew from the Dole Bill, as they were called back then,” stated Hughes wistfully over an imported Buckfast. “Oh but those were good times. I remember Teddy Williams of the Blue Dogs holding the severed stump of a Dole Patrol placard and beating down a spry Strom Thurmond look-a-like who was advocating for segregation. He kept yelling and we kept beating. That was before cell phone cameras, you see.”

According to Hughes, even the fashion changed from those early battles as he stated, “why when we went to go battle with the Quayle Firms we lifted a bunch of clobber from Lacoste, The Vested Gentress, and The Lilly. At that point they started calling us the Preppy Lads Crew. It was a fine time to be alive. A beak full of hooter and beating the living shit out of a Dan Quayle fan, ahhhhh memories.”

The Nutmeg News will have more of this as Hughes continues mumbling to himself about the good old days as he walks by 10 teenagers getting beaten by the police for trying to do a tik tok regarding Black Lives Matter outside the debate.

Fans THRILLED As Teased Player Signing Turns Out To Be 19 Year Old Midfielder From USL Team

Soccer fans across the nation were reportedly thrilled when a teased player player signing for their team turned out to be a 19 year old midfielder who is not expected to contribute immediately from their USL affiliate.

“Wow, the news I’ve been waiting for so long to hear,” stated one fan online. “Here i was hoping it would be an international prospect or a player that could help in defense or a player that could score goals, but no… we finally got an answer for the time in the US Open Cup when we need an additional body at the 85th minute.”

Sources with the team indicate that they do not think they overhyped the player signing as they stated, “this shows what our fans have long hoped. That yes, we do have a pipeline from our academy to the first team. We expect him to contribute as a substitute after he finally gets a handle on the rigors of the first team. The fans are going to really be excited in 2022 or 2023.”

For their part, the supporters group issued their statement welcoming him to the team even as many members prepared for his inevitable departure in a few years.

“It’s great to have this new signing, but it doesn’t really fix any of our problems,” stated one anonymous blogger. “It’s going to be amazing, though, when I see him playing for Rochester or Richmond in a few years in the US Open Cup.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans announce their confusion as the player is immediately loaned back to the USL side for, “more opportunities to play”

Oakland Roots Forced To Take Detroit Lions With Them After NISA Championship Loss

Detroit, MI - After losing 2-1 to Detroit City FC, the Oakland Roots were forced to take the Detroit Lions home with them as a condition of the terms of a “loser gets the lions” bet between the two teams.

Stating, “Dear God, what have we done,” a crestfallen Jordan Ferrell reportedly loaded up the infrastructure of the Lions into the team bus they chartered to take them back to the airport. “I know we lost the Raiders, but we’d just prefer to not have a team.”

Lions executive Dean Logan stated, “We are just excited to be wanted. It feels great having a fresh start.”

According to long time Oakland native Jerome Montgomery, he isn’t particularly thrilled for the situation.

“We’ve had enough misery over the years. This just feels cruel. We did not ask for the lions. We don’t need the Lions forced upon us, can’t you just let us suffer with this loss in peace?”

Detroit fans, however, were adamant that the Oakland Roots abide by the terms of their bet as they stated, “No, NO NO. A deals a deal. The loser takes the Lions and the winner gets to just bask in an entire season without watching Matt Stafford have a turnover during a crucial drive. We are the NISA champions and they are now Lions fans, that’s how it works.”

For his part, Montgomery stated, “I just hope that the Lions are prepared to move after 10 to 20 years. That’s just how football works around here. We should’ve just left them there.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Oakland Roots ask whether they can sponsor the gentrification of a part of the city instead.

Area Man Concerned That Societal Changes Are Forcing Him To Not Call Opponents Homophobic Slurs During Games

Lincoln, NE - Rec league soccer player Davis Williams stated that he was concerned that societal changes are forcing him to not call opponents homophobic slurs during games as he stated, “Look, I’m for free speech,” in a Facebook comment.

According to a number of comments repeatedly made to Facebook, Twitter, and Reddit, Williams put forth his opinion that he isn’t a bigot, but that he thinks that he should be able to call a player literally every horrible slur possible during a game.

“I don’t hate,” stated Williams, "but I do think that belittling someone about their sexuality or race during a game is fair play. After all, what is sports but a vehicle for pure unadulterated hatred of someone’s sexuality or race to the point where they are unable to play a pass so that my team can win.”

Friends state that Williams is frequently verbally abusive during games as one time he abused a player on the field that he thought was gay until that player started weeping and walked off the field.

“But you know, after he spent 70 minutes or so calling him a bunch of horrible slurs he went over and said no hard feelings. So I’m sure everything is totally fine,” stated friend Will Sanders.

For his part, Williams said, “I have a gay friend,” as he defended his frequent use of these slurs. “And he’s totally fine with all of this stuff, I’m sure.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it turns out that Williams also likes to use slurs online and then tell people, “lighten up, it’s just a joke.”