Aberdeen FC Cancel Minority Stake Purchase After Atlanta United Tries To Pay With TAM

Atlanta, GA - The recently announced purchase of a minority stake in Scottish team Aberdeen FC by Major League Soccer (MSL) side Atlanta United was cancelled by the Aberdeen board of directors after the MLS club attempted to pay the $2.57 million dollars in Targeted Allocation Money (TAM).

Maybe they could change the name to Atlanta United Aberdeen Football Club.

“We asked for the all of the financial documents and payment to be in by the end of the day,” stated assistant to the chairman Glenn Adair. “They sent over a document that stated, ‘$2.57 million of TAM. Plz update spreadsheet.’ This is not how we do things here.”

Sources within Atlanta United indicated that the club ownership were shocked that they couldn’t purchase shares using TAM as they were informed that TAM was good for anything within Major League Soccer.

“They feel that the international soccer community should recognize TAM and GAM as valid currency,” stated one Atlanta United insider. “They want to use any excess of TAM that they received for the Darlington Nagbe trade to defray their overall purchase price. I don’t understand why Aberdeen won’t accept this currency.”

For their part, Aberdeen FC are staying firm as they released a press statement indicating that until there is actual money deposited they will not consider any formal purchase of shares to be ratified.

“After we requested the club to send us actual funds, they then sent us an google document indicating how much TAM they had and adding Aberdeen in as a line item receiving the TAM. This is not how this works. Money for shares. This is not blockchain or crypto currency”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Chicago Fire try to pay for their logo re-brand with General Allocation Money.

Success of Branded Potatoes Leads To League One Branded Vegetable Arms Race

Blowing Rock, NC - Marketers for USL League One side Northern Blowing Rock Tortuga FC stated that the success of Forward Madison’s branded potatoes lead to a League One promotional vegetable arms race as the USL side state that they are considering a branded rutabaga promotional opportunity.

Where the MAGIC happens!

“We see the branded team vegetable market as a massive growth opportunity,” stated director of marketing Dan Smith. “First we start with Rutabagas, but who is to say that we don’t sell branded carrots, branded heirloom tomatoes, branded bok choy, branded organic squash, branded organic non-gmo watercress, branded sunchokes, branded eggplant, and branded pumpkins. Just think about branded beetroot, branded cauliflower, branded courgettes, BRANDED CUCUMBER, branded leeks, tubers, and kohlrabi. We could offer a microscopic branded pea cut cut with a tiny laser! The sky is the limit, honestly.”

According to Smith, the thing that will set them apart is their use of actual branding irons on the vegetables.

“We are building a set of custom branding irons to emblazon our logo on the side of any vegetables that we get. Then we will upload the options to our website and BINGO, you get a giant amount of official Northern Blowing Rock Tortuga FC branded Radicchio for your salad and ballad dinner party.”

With the vegetable arms race heating up to a fervent boil, other teams in USL League One are considering even more promotional opportunities.

“We are trying to corner the women’s market with our new line of branded Feminine pads, tampons and diva cups,” stated the marketing manager of Eastern Fredonia Olympia AC. “We want to be known that we are sympathetic to the needs of our ever expanding fanbase, some of whom want to connect their menstruation to their sporting teams. When you think of your monthly cycle, think of Eastern Fredonia Olympia AC!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the League One promotional arms race reaches a fever pitch and then Nick Hornby writes a book about it.

Chicago Fire Announce They Will Rebrand Team As NPSL Affiliate Of Vancouver Whitecaps

CHICAGO - The Chicago Fire, today, announced a stunning rebrand of the Major League Soccer (MLS) franchise as they boldly laid out the conversion of the team from Major League Soccer franchise to a farm team for the Vancouver Whitecaps that plays in the National Premier Soccer League (NPSL).

Conversion over the years from the Whitecaps to their defunct USL side to the Fire.

“It was important to let our fans know that it would not be business as usual for the Chicago Fire,” stated general manager Nelson Rodriguez. “2020 will be the last season in Major League Soccer for the Fire as we transition into an NPSL side for the 2021 season. Our fans will enjoy the fact that finally they get to watch a team get relegated, just like Chivas USA. And look how that worked out for them!”

According to sources within the team, Rodriguez and new owner Joe Mansueto’s plan for the struggling franchise was to abandon their lease in Bridgeview, move to Soldier Field for a year, and then transition to playing their games at the Chicago Soccer Fields Stadium, Arena & Sports Venue in Melrose Park, Illinois

“We cannot continue with business as usual,” stated Mansueto to the last 15 Fire fans that haven’t had their passion for the team ruined by the idiotic and shameful decisions of those in charge over the past 22 years. “It is important for us to be affiliated with a side that allows us to grow our brand and maximize our investment.”

Fire fans were reportedly upset by this new situation as they lashed out online. We reached out to Vitor Wiśniewski who stated, “Oh………….. just fuck everything. I’m going back to drinking”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Fire work on alienating the last fans that they still have in order to focus their attention on the fans who don’t even know they exist.

"Lack Of Charter Flights Hurt Season," States AYSO Team

Manchester Township, NJ - Players for the AYSO team Manchester Township United spoke out to the press, today, on the difficulties of the previous season and stated that the lack of charter flights hurt their ability to recover and perform at their best leading to the disappointing season for the 10 year old players.

“Children in European youth teams do not deal with the distances that we have to cover to play,” stated Nadim “Bubby” Kandulapati. “I am expected to perform at a high level for my team, and provide the link up play we need to be able to dominate teams like Toms River Liverpool FC. Except that I can’t do this due to the fact that the travel time has left me so spinny winny crazy that I can’t accurately name all the Teen Titans in Teen Titans Go, right now.”

Kandulapati was not the only player to speak out as Jimmy “Squeeks” Davidson stated, “ Bubby is right! The lack of charter flights is really hurting our performance. We have games on the weekend and we are expected to be back in school on Monday. We can’t even handle the course load. Between the sprint drills, power lifting and agility work I’m having difficulty with math. We need charter flights!”

For their part, the administration staff of Manchester Township United stated that they recognized the issues facing travel times for their young charges but cited a lack of funds as the primary reason for the Charter Flights Kerfuffle.

“We already have our season rates at $2000 just to join and that fee only includes the 432 games we play, a borrowed kit, one container of blue powerade drink mix, a package of 3 year old orange wedge candies, and a silver flask filled with fireball for all the parents who have to stand out in the rain,” stated team director Bill Hughes. “We don’t even have the money to pay a coach. In desperation, we asked the strength and conditioning coach for the local high school football team to do it as a favor for one year. One of the dads watches a lot of soccer on the weekend so he is relied on for the tactical game plan.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the members of Manchester Township United push for free agency.

Area Man On Month Number Six Of Subscription To ESPN+ Originally Purchased For US Open Cup Games

Tampa Bay, FL - Tampa Bay Rowdies fan Philip Freeman is reportedly on month number six of a subscription to ESPN + that he started to watch the US Open Cup game the Rowdies played and lost against Oklahoma City Energy back on May 28th.

THIS IS THE SUBSCRIPTION THAT NEVER ENDS

YES IT GOES ON AND ON MY FRIENDS

“I’m definitely going to cancel it this time,” stated Freeman to The Nutmeg News as he became distracted by a meme account on Instagram.

Friends state that Freeman boldly proclaimed that he would only be signing up for the free trial to watch the US Open Cup games and that he definitely would remember to cancel the monthly subscription service. However, according to his bank statement, Freeman is now on his sixth month of the service with no end in site.

“I’m definitely going to cancel it this time,” stated Freeman as he clearly forgot the fact that he already stated this to our reporter earlier in the interview as his attention shifted and then focused on a repost on Twitter of an Instagram repost of a Tik Tok video making fun of Facebook users.

“Yeah, totally though, like I said, I’m definitely going to cancel……… um… oh man, check this shit out,” stated Freeman who shared a poorly constructed meme about people creating poorly constructed memes.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Freeman talks himself into using ESPN+ for Bundesliga games in 2020.

Article About Soccer Player's Favorite Restaurant Fails To Answer Any Of Man's Questions About The Entire Scope Of Alleged US Soccer Corruption

Denver, CO - An article about the favorite restaurant of soccer player Dimitri Gudjohnson reportedly failed to answer any of Jerry Stewart’s questions about the entire scope of the alleged corruption of US Soccer as Stewart harangued journalist Harry Neil on Twitter about his obvious bias.

“Artists Interpretation”

“HOW COME U DIDNT COVER CORRUPTION BETWEEN SUM AND AYSO AND USSOCER LEADING TO BERHALTER BOYS REGIME,” stated Stewart to the Twitter account of Neil as he re-posted the story for his afternoon readers. “MLS $HILL CANT ASK THE HARD Q.”

According to Neil, he frequently fields questions about his partiality, character and moral flexibility if he posts anything that would be considered a personal interest story about soccer players.

“Not all my stuff is going to be a hard hitting expose,” stated Neil to The Nutmeg News. “Nearly everyone in the soccer writing community is barely hanging on to their job right now for a variety of reasons. I once had a piece on a Rapids player cancelled after the team felt that they wanted an in house reporter to handle it due to concerns about previous criticisms I wrote online. It’s almost like some of these critics haven’t dealt with the behind the scenes machinations that go on in getting information, stories and breaking news.”

For his part, Stewart indicated that he didn’t care about any of the things that Mr. Neil stated as he emailed our reporters the following response.

“HE IS PART OF THE CONPRICAY TO DEFRAUD THE AMERICAN PEOPLE OF REAL FOOTBALL AND THATS WHY NO ONE TRUSTS JOURNALISTS ANYMORE. NO ONE WANTS TO READ ABOUT POOJOHNSONS FAVORITE RESTAURANT. WE WANT TO READ ABOUT FUNDAMENTAL CHANGES BEING IMPLEMENTED AT THE INTERSECTION OF US SOCCER AND THE AYSO THAT WILL MAKE OUR COUNTRY INTO THE GREATEST ON THE WORLD STAGE AT WINNING WORLD CUPS.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Neil’s report on the financials of NPSL teams garners a paltry 1,000 views.

Thrilled Caleb Porter Frowns In Excitement As Nagbe Acquisition Confirmed

Columbus, OH - A thrilled Caleb Porter reportedly frowned in excitement as the Darlington Nagbe acquisition by the Columbus Crew was announced on Wednesday.

It’s a celebration collage!

“He thought about smirking,” stated one Crew insider. “But then he attempted to force a smirk which turned into a frown which turned into a stare and I had to leave the room.”

Reporters state that a scowling and perpetually deadpan Porter stated, “I’m thrilled, anything else?”

Other people covering the acquisition press conference stated that Porter appeared to be in high spirits as he lifted his mood from embattled to wishing he was literally anywhere else in the world.

“That was easily the best press conference we’ve seen since he came to Columbus,” stated Dispatch journalist Roger Danvers. “He just sat their blinking and frowning in what was clearly unrestrained glee.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Porter celebrates the Nagbe deal by cancelling all non-mandatory press conferences until the first of the year.

General Manager About To Screw Up 2020 Season As Trade Window Opens

NEW YORK - Anonymous reports from within Major League Soccer (MLS) indicate that a general manager is about to screw up the 2020 season with his trades, acquisitions and signings as the MLS trade window opens.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…………… what a bad decision THAT was.

“Oh boy, this is going to be a shit show,” stated one insider who has access to privileged information. “This is definitely going to mess up the team this year.”

According to journalists, they’ve heard a number of different trade and player movement rumors, but nothing yet to ascertain which general manager is going to mess up the season.

“We hear a lot of things, but you know it always comes down to the players on the field. That’s why general managers and technical directors will outlast a lot of bad player personnel decisions,” stated Jim Davids of The New Athletic Times Of Lower Uncton And Chicago. “I’ve got a few guesses, but I’m going to just see how things shake out.”

For their part, our sources within the league indicate they are certain that this team is royally screwed for 2020 as they state, “You haven’t seen the numbers, you haven’t seen the trades or the proposed acquisitions. Trust us, these supporters are screwed and their team is a dead man walking.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans blame players and the coach instead.

Seattle Sounders Advance To Play LAFC In MLS Cup Champions Cup Best Of Three Series

Seattle, WA - The Seattle Sounders defeated Toronto Football Club, today, as they earned the right to play Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) in the MLS Cup Champions Cup.

MLS executives announced that the newly created MLS Cup Champions Cup has the winner of MLS Cup face off against a team picked by Major League Soccer in a best of three home-away-home de-facto league championship for the season.

"It’s important that the best team in league history have a chance to win MLS Cup or the MLS Cup Champions Cup,” stated Commissioner Don Garber. “Our competition mechanisms will always have to evolve and we find that the fair way for all teams involved means that some teams will have multiple opportunities to be winners in our league.”

According to team insiders, the Sounders and their coaching staff found this information out in a champagne soaked dressing room as owner Adrian Hanauer was dispatched to inform the team that they had three more games to play.

“The tournament will give home field advantage to the best team over the course of the season,” stated President of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot. “In order to emphasize the season long accomplishments of LAFC they will be given two home games during this three game series. We feel this will showcase their brilliant fanbase and give them the best chance of winning the MLS Cup Champions Cup.”

For their part, the Sounders executive staff was, publicly, thrilled by this news as they stated that fans who purchased tickets for MLS Cup would have first choice to purchase tickets for the MLS Cup Champions Cup.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as there’s gotta be one more way for LAFC to have a crack at the championship this season.

Cogent Point Ruined By Utilization Of The Word, "Offsides"

TORONTO - A cogent point about the tactics of the upcoming MLS Cup game against Seattle Sounders was reportedly sullied when Toronto FC fan Phil McKenzie used the word, “offsides,” as he described Jozy Altidore, Alejandro Pozuelo, and the duty of an offensive player to stretch the field and push the back line.

The rules of the game clearly states offsides is caused by the bro not being with his bros.

“We were talking about the upcoming game and everything was going along fine,” stated good friend Rahim Wood. “Suddenly Phil said something about their, ‘offsides stats,’ and we thought he was pulling our leg. I am shocked to say that he wasn’t pulling our leg.”

Friends who overheard the conversation stated that Wood stopped McKenzie immediately and started laughing while stating, “good one…. offsides,” as McKenzie stared at him blankly and continued onward using the word offsides three more times.

“YOU CAN ONLY BE ON OR OFF SIDE,” ranted an irate Barbara Taylor. “This isn’t an option, this is ignorance. I don’t care what he said. Just the fact that he used THAT word means that whatever he said should be ignored. I won’t even continue with this conversation.”

For his part, Wood stated that he would end his friendship with McKenzie as he stated, “What else is he hiding? What else? Who actually says offsides?!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we talk about the correct usage of the word golazo.

Concerned With Lack Of Ticket Sales For Canada Game, USSF Raises Prices

CHICAGO - Concerned with the lack of ticket sales for the upcoming game against Canada in the vaunted CONCACAF Nations League, the United States Soccer Federation (USSF) announced that they would be raising prices to spur people to buy more.

“I’d buy a beer in the stadium but It’s either that or being able to pay for my cell phone bill.”

“We received the message loud and clear,” stated Dan Lewis, spokesman for the USSF. “As of Saturday morning we will be raising the prices of all tickets by 20% and increasing the price of the supporters section by 50%. This increased price sale will hopefully drive a full and passionate stadium to help us progress in the CONCACAF Nations League…. or Cup….. or wait… no… it’s definitely League, I think. Right? Can someone check and see if this is the Nations Cup or the Nations League? Because League makes no sense whatsoever….. It’s League? LEAGUE? Well, hell.”

According to insiders with the federation, the poor ticket numbers was blamed on the lack of ticket value from a perception standpoint as federation executives advocated for a more restricted clubhouse feel to the stands.

“No one here thinks that the USMNT is cool anymore,” stated one league executive. “In order to be cool you have to be exclusive, and in order to be exclusive you should be expensive. Cheap tickets lead to cheap fans and we would rather have 10,000 expensive fans than 15,000 cheap ones. The United States has long had the ambition of winning the CONCACAF Nations League since we came up with it approximately 6 months ago. We want to win this in front of our passionate fanbase who can afford the ticket prices that we set for this competition we invented that will be abandoned as soon as we can come up with a money making opportunity with CONCACAF and CONMEBOL.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the USSF federation blames the lack of home field advantage on the fans.

Woman With No Free Time Would Really Like To Be More Involved In Supporters Group

Philadelphia, PA - Phildelphia Union fan Fran Kazakou stated that she would, “really like to be more involved in the supporters group,” for the Union while also privately admitting that she has very little free time to herself anymore to her friend Theresa Williams.

“Oh god, did I forget to turn off the space heater next to the scarves?”

“I’d love to be able to help,” stated Kazakou to Ben Brode, a fellow supporter with the Sons Of Ben. “Just let me know what you need and I’ll see what I can do.”

According to friends, Kazakou is frightfully busy as every single moment of her day is planned out from getting her daughter to school, to working, to making dinner, to helping with homework, to trying to keep up with things around the house, to learning to knit in the evenings in order to make inexpensive Christmas Presents this year (again) and attempting to keep up with the stories of her friends voluminously shared on Marco Polo.

“I don’t know how she does it,” stated good friend Stacy Anderson. “I’m up to my ears in soccer practice and trying to just not fall apart at the end of the day and she has to do it all herself.”

According to her fellow fans, however, none of this has kept Kazakou from offering her completely impossible services to any kind of project they have available.

“She came in power loading some kind of Turkish coffee from a hydro flask,” stated Union fan Carlos Villareal. “She kept on asking about helping with some of the paperwork we need for an upcoming charity initiative so I gave her some of the things we need to do.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kazakou tries to knit, blog, review some homework, fix the seal on her refrigerator door and review some filing for paperwork for her job while slowly sinking into the corner of her apartment as she stares blankly at the wall and thinks about buying a camper van that she can turn into a tiny house and, “how bad would it be to pull Stella out of school anyway?”

League-That-Must-Not-Be-Named Orders Fans To Stop Making Videos About League

NEW YORK - The “League-That-Must-Not-Be-Named (LTMNBN) announced yesterday that they would be prosecuting fans who make un-permitted videos about the LTMNBN..

“We will be severely litigating our passionate fans,” stated some guy who has too much time on his hands.. “Our fans have no rights to this league, players or content either in digital form or not. It is entirely illegal to attempt to make a video of the action or players within this league unless you pay REDACTED thousands of dollars.”

According to fans of LTMNBN teams, the potential prosecution of their videos will stop any creative ideas they had going forward.

“I was going to make a season recap that I would share with my friends on Facebook, but I guess the league doesn’t want that word of mouth,” stated one anonymous fan of THAT-ONE-TEAM.

“I usually put together videos of players from the national team, but even that is probably going to be out of bounds now if it contains any footage of teams in REDACTED or possibly even US Soccer because of their ties with REDACTED,” stated Jimmy Williams, a 10 year supporter of THAT-OTHER-TEAM.

“My project covering REDACTED and REDACTED, next year, is officially cancelled. I guess I can finally spend the time on a healthier obsession,” stated another anonymous fan of ANOTHER-TEAM.

For their part, the League-That-Must-Not-Be-Named stated that they weren’t looking to punish fans as they stated, “We are just trying to ensure that we control the video quality of all games in REDACTED. We are turning over all control of all future videos to the group that is currently quarter-assing their effort at making and distributing game recap videos for the past few years. Hopefully the video group are going to take this as a challenge and actually make something that people want to watch.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as branded content videos that show a lot of slow motion cuts and avoid any mention of any kind of controversy eventually come a few months later to a website near you….. but not available on other internet websites immediately because you gotta drive traffic to a place where you control the advertising revenue… RIGHT?!

Atlanta United Fan Working Through Stages Of Grief After Reading Internet Player Rumors

Atlanta, GA - Atlanta United fan Delmond Harris stated that he was going through all the stages of grief at the potential loss of Darlington Nagbe based upon the rumors that swirled around due to the sale of his house and the tweet of Joe Patrick, a reporter for 92.9 The Game.

“I’m heading to acceptance,” stated Harris to The Nutmeg News. “I was upset and angry at first, but now I’m just glad that I got his jersey while I could even though this is all based on an online rumor.”

Harris was reportedly browsing the internet this weekend for all the content he missed after the Atlanta United game against Toronto FC when he fell down the rabbit hole of Patrick’s tweet and rumors that had Nagbe recently selling his Atlanta house.

“I couldn’t believe it, just can’t believe it,” stated Harris as he shook his head. “To see that someone else is reporting that other players in the locker room may have been saying goodbye or just giving innocent hugs and then seeing some people saying that his house may have been sold is just a stab in the heart.”

With no information coming out of Atlanta United or Major League Soccer, the official mourning for the Atlanta United career of Nagbe by Harris will have to wait, but he stated that he expects to be completely numb by the time it happens.

“I don’t know… I just feel like whether that happens in one month or three that I’m going to be fine with it because I’ve already made my peace with the situation based upon these rumors….. although I hope he stays, but now I don’t know if I want someone to stay who may or may not be planning on leaving unless he isn’t leaving in which case I want him to stay except that makes me confused and I’m just going to pretend like I’m fine with him leaving because he’s probably leaving and… well…. damn.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Harris mood changes as another rumor report tries to add context to the other rumors he has seen so that he ends up just being over the whole thing anyway.

Sounders Fans Advocate For Their Right To Have The Opportunity To Boo The President

Seattle, WA - Sounders fans in Seattle were reportedly working hard to advocate for the opportunity to boo President Donald Trump in person, like Washington Nationals fans, as they decried the lack of opportunity to tell the President of the United States what they felt.

“It isn’t fair that baseball fans get all the fun,” stated Fiona Williams of Ballard. “The America I want gives me the opportunity and right to boo the President at my teams championship game whether that game is the WNBA, Major League Baseball, the National Hockey League, Major League Soccer or the Overwatch League Finals.”

Some Sounders fans reportedly created an advocacy group called, “Mandate President Trump’s Attendance So That We Can Tell Him To Go Home,” as they worked feverishly to bring soccer in the United States up to the level of the national pastime.

“We would like to ensure that the President attends MLS Cup so that we could all roundly tell him that we do NOT want him to attend MLS Cup” stated Gerald Andross of Queen Anne. “It is important that the means of production, distribution, and exchange should be owned or regulated by the community as a whole. We believe that booing the president SHOULD be allowed, encouraged and mandated between ALL fans of ALL sports. This shouldn’t be available to simple members of the Bourgeoisie elite who pay for their gilded seats at the World Series. Booing the president should be available to the proletariat who attend the NBA Finals, the Super Bowl, MLS Cup, the National Finals Rodeo and the XFL Toilet Bowl brought to you by Dave’s Plumbing of Madison Wisconsin.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as soccer fans continue to complain about the perks that baseball fans receive.

MLS Explores "Pundits Pick" Option For Future MLS Cup Finalists

NEW YORK - According to insider sources, Major League Soccer (MLS) is exploring adding a Pundits Pick option for future MLS Cup Finalists after Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC), Atlanta United, and New York City Football Club (NYCFC) were knocked out of the playoffs early.

“And it looks like the result of this game has been nullified according to the pundits pick, the loser will go through because of the following stepover montage”

“The Pundits Pick would allow the experts who cover Major League Soccer to select one team from all the playoff teams to compete for MLS Cup in the final,” stated one league insider. “This solves the problem of the prohibitive league favorite and pundits favorite team being knocked out before they make the final.”

Sources indicate that the solution came about after league pundits were upset that the top seeds were knocked out before making it to the final.

“We, the pundits and experts, know which team is better and we know that it isn’t solved by the result of playoff games,” stated one anonymous pundit. “Everyone knows that you don’t crown a champion by having them play the games but by the eyeball test of how they were playing back in July or June. There’s no point having playoffs if all that happens is that the team we love loses. That’s why we, the pundits, should be able to void the result of one game and advance whatever team we want to the finals.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as league pundits lobby to use this new option immediately.