The Top 10 Excuses You Can Use When Your Team Loses In 2016

In the grand tradition over overwrought top 10 lists at the end of the year required by all publications, here is The Nutmeg News top 10 excuses you can use when your team loses in 2016.

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#1  The Illuminati Conspiracy Keeping US/Canada Soccer From Promotion And Relegation

Because clearly there is a Global Conspiracy that keeps teams in Canada and the United States  from utilizing Promotion and Relegation which, of course, stunts the growth of players and teams in both countries and it has nothing to do at all with the lack of interest in the game beyond the top three teams in Major League Soccer who are desperately hoping for the opportunity to play in Grand Rapids next season when they get relegated because the league mandated that their ownership can only spend pennies on the dollar to keep a fullback that would have a hard time finding a job with Coventry City. IT'S A CONSPIRACY. CHECK THE PARTNERSHIP WITH SUM AND HUGO BOSS.

Don Garber is the representative of the mole people, clearly.

#2 The Referee

Remember: "That referee cost us the game. Not the player who lunged at the other player. Not the player who gave up on the play. Not the fullback that played the forward onside. No, it was the referee who is clearly on the take because he lacks the ability to see all things at all times on a massive field with 22 players.

Speaking of conspiracies.

#3 Your owners

They don't care, care too much, have too much money, don't have enough money, don't have any other interests, have too many other interests, don't know anything about the game, don't have business acumen, hate the fans, hate the city, hate the sport or are carpetbaggers. Pick one, run with it, start a blog.

TRIGGER WARNING: CHICAGO FANS

#4 Your Fans

God you suck. Did you know this? Yes, you. Your fans suck. The other guys are more original, we think. Except for those guys who steal everything from Europe. Either way, your team is going to lose because you suck. Basically you care either too much or not enough.  You didn't sing loud enough, you didn't drink enough, you were too drunk, you sang the wrong words, you wore the wrong scarf, you didn't wear a scarf at all, or you entered the wrong gate at the wrong time wearing the wrong underwear and without carrying your lucky ben-wa balls. Either way, it's you... not them. 

Promotion still with paid models? MLS to MIAMI Coming .... um... at some point.

#5 Your Players

Luke Rodgers started next to one of the greatest soccer talents to ever grace the planet in the entire history of the game. LUKE. RODGERS. Not only this but he was effective. Not to mention players like Dominic "I can run fast and that's about it" Oduro. 

The forward version of Marvell Wynne.

#6 Your T.I.F.O wasn't inspirational enough

Yes, you spent 10 hours in a warehouse with a bunch of people with body odor problems and paint that reeks like it was mildewing in the back 40 of a hillbillies estate, but we hate to inform you that the idea that you painted was, in fact, derivative and uninspiring. Also the players couldn't see it from the field. Also, T.I.F.O is an acronym for TODAY I FOUND the OLIGARCHY. So take that you proto-anarchists.

Who DOESNT want a turkey leg. That's the first thing they ask you on the citizenship test. "You like turkey legs? Yeah? Cool."

#7 The Weather

It's too hot in Dallas. It's too wet in Oregon. It's too cold in Toronto. It's too French in Montreal. It's too windy in Commerce City. It's too Jersey in Harrison. 

Whatever the excuse, the weather is always a good one. Remember, your team lost in LA because it was 90 degrees, not because the team in Los Angeles is typically perpetually good.

"I was unaware that it is warm in Los Angeles. I've made a terrible mistake. Can you send someone to shadow me with a mister at all times?"

#8 The Turf

Your team plays on turf? LITERALLY HITLER.

The beautiful game.

#9 Your Men's Team Fields An NWSL Team

Seriously, men can't focus on two things at once. That's why they shouldn't own two teams. They can clearly only focus on ONE team. Two teams is way too much. Three teams is downright insane. Four teams means you should just look at excuse #3 above

Women playing soccer? What's next... Giving them the right to vote? NOT MY AMERICA!

#10 The American Outlaws

Yep.
Seriously.
Sure they have nothing to do with your team, but still a loss.

Soccer event or LMFAO concert from 2011. YOU DECIDE

Club América Debates Buying All Current Major League Soccer Players With Money Found In A Couch

MEXICO CITY - Club América, the most successful team in Mexican soccer history, has reportedly been internally debating the purchase of all the players in Major League Soccer as a money making tool via some random money they found in their couch cushions on Tuesday.

Club America celebrates despite knowing they were going to win all along.

"We were digging around in the couch that we have in one of the themed dressing rooms in Estadio Azteca," said Club América chairman Ricardo Peláez. "and we found a couple million Pesos that we didn't have earmarked for anything. Probably just a bundle of cash left over from the 8.3 million per year Huawei deal. We understand that we could likely purchase all the players in Major League Soccer with the money we found around the office and we are debating whether it is financially efficient to do so."

Reportedly Peláez and other members of the América board see value in a few players that exist in Major League Soccer but were concerned about what would happen with the dead wood in the lineups.

"We must find a place for some of these players and the only place for them currently is Major League Soccer," stated Peláez.  "So we may purchase all the players from the league to loan them back to the league for placement as the league sees fit. No one with Club América is going to lose any sleep over whether Quincy Amarikwa is getting game time or not. However, we could utilize Giovinco's value to sign a few promising players in Liga MX."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Chivas Guadalajara, in a bold reaction move, attempts to start a franchise in Los Angeles to try to plant roots with local Angelinos and sign players for international development. 

Colorado Rapids Already Eliminated From 2016 MLS Cup Playoffs

Denver, CO - Major League Soccer have already announced that the Colorado Rapids have been eliminated from the 2016 Major League Soccer (MLS) Cup Playoffs.

Back when the Rapids wore green, Pepsi was a league sponsor, and the team played at Mile High Stadium. MEEEEEMORIESSSSSSSSSSSSS

"Based on results from the 2015 season, we just simply concluded that the Rapids do not have a chance at succeeding in the 2016 playoffs, so we eliminated them already to put them out of their misery," stated President Of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot. "We calculated all the possible variables, interviewed the current Rapids players and decided that it was important to just nip their season in the bud right now."

With the Rapids already knocked out of the playoffs in the Western Conference, it is only a matter of time before the league announces that they have eliminated the Chicago Fire as well.

Mr Abbot had a statement on this developing situation with Chicago, "We have been debating whether the Fire deserve another chance at 2016, and the arguments have been mixed. We are hoping to see something positive in the next two weeks as far as transfers go, because right now we are pretty certain they aren't making the playoffs anyway."

Despite all of these league shenanigans, MLS is not interested in decreasing the number of teams in the playoffs stating, "We, with Major League Soccer, have decided that we are just going to expand the number of teams that make the playoffs by two again so that nearly every team makes it in the playoffs except for our designated whipping boys that are going to be routinely terrible at every level, like NPSL awful. Good god we hate that stupid league."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Rapids release Kevin Doyle mid-season for Freddy Adu's left knee.

Lazy Copywriters Turn In "Ashley Cole Retires To Los Angeles Galaxy" Story Nearly On Time

Belying recent results of not doing a damn thing on time, the lazy copywriters of The Nutmeg News turned in their "Ashley Cole Retires To Los Angeles Galaxy" story nearly on deadline, shocking the editors of The Nutmeg News.

"We clipped most of this from the Steven Gerrard story," said head copywriter David Morrow to himself on Monday evening in an interview with himself called Morrow on Morrow. "Honestly, the editors made us work over Christmas so this is the best they get. They are lucky we didn't just write a headline with no content at all and a picture with a caption of 'we are day drinking at the office and no one cares about this story' but then everyone would likely think we are talking about the Galaxy front office."

CTRL-C + CTRL-V and then let's call it a night, boys!

"There were a lot of different jokes that we thought we could use, but they were all just perpetually utilized over and over again, so we just went with the absolute base joke of the league and team being a retirement league," stated Morrow into a dictaphone while riding an elevator to the bathrooms that are usually empty on the 4th floor.

"There was a momentary debate about utilizing some Cheryl Cole in-jokes, but we all came to the same agreement that we didn't care enough to come up with something original"

The Nutmeg News can confirm that while the piece was handed in on time, the story was thought of as being derivative and unoriginal while trafficking blatant platitudes, dripping in cliche and utilizing the same methodology as previous columns. 

Twas The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas when all through the land

Not a creature was stirring, not even the millenials figuring out LAFC's brand. 

The communities hopes were hung by the cinder block book case with care,

In hopes that St. Don soon would be there. 

The cities were nestled all snug in their beds, 

While visions of MLS danced in their heads, 

And mama in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap

Had just settled our brains for a long off season nap. 

 --

When out by the apartment recreation center there arose such a clatter

I sprang from the air mattress to see what was the matter

Away to the window I flew like a flash

Tore open the curtains and pretended to throw up the sash

 --

The moon on the breast of the stripper I know

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below

When, what to my wandering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer

 --

With a little old driver, so narrow and drawn

I knew in a moment it must be St. Don

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name

 --

Now Sunil! Now, Abbot! Now, Promotion and Relegation ! 

On, Klinsmann! On, Arena! On, Donovan and Allocation! 

To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall! 

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all! 

 --

As wet shit that before the wild hurricane remain, 

When they meet with a hostile government that won't use eminent domain, 

So up to the apartment top the coursers they flew, 

With a sleigh full of MLS bids, and St. Don too. 

 --

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The playing of 300 from the upstairs douche

As I drew in my head, and was turning around, 

Down the radiator pipe St. Don came with a bound. 

 --

He was dressed all in suit, from his head to his foot

And his clothes were all tarnished with rule discrepancies to boot. 

A bundle of stadium renderings he had flung on his back

And he looked like Bill Peterson, just opening his pack

 --

His eyes how they twinkled! His bald head how merry! 

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry! 

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, 

And he decided to change the playoff rules to create a better show. 

 --

The stump of a vape pen he held tight in his teeth

And the fedora it encircled his head like a wreath

He had a tight little face and a tight little belly, 

That was the result of Pilates and a long grain rice diet from his consultant named Shelly. 

 --

He was skinny and drawn, with commissioner's feet, 

And I laughed when I saw him, as I sent off a tweet

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, 

Soon gave me to know that I had nothing to dread.

 --

He spoke not a word, as I stood back to lurk

And filled some of the stocking and told Sacramento it wasn't going to work, 

After laying their chances astride on the floor

And giving a nod, he strode out the door! 

 --

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, 

And away they all flew like the down of Partick Thistle. 

But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he left for a celebration, 

"Happy Christmas to all, and fuck promotion/relegation!" 

Timbers Fan Going Home To Walla Walla Expected To Carry Conversation About Seahawks

​Walla Walla, WA - Newly minted Timbers fan Zach Gardiner just realized that upon his return home for Christmas that he will be expected to carry the conversation about the Seattle Seahawks 2015 season.

 "Welcome Home, Zachy!"

"Oh god, I don't even know what their record is," thought Gardner as he walked up to his parents house that proudly displayed a 12th man flag.

Reportedly Gardiner's cousins are eager to talk to him about Russell Wilson and whether or not "he got to a game" since he lived so close for the past year as he attended Portland State University for his major in Germanic Literature and minor in Gender studies. Gardner reportedly spent the time between his knock on the door and his parents answering trying to memorize names of players on the Seahawks by utiliIng a wikipedia app on his phone. 

Mr Gardiner stated to The Nutmeg News, "Its going to be difficult but when we are all in the kitchen drinking beer and talking Seahawks I'm just going to be as vague as possible on the season. I'm sure that if I talk about close games and 'that guy who...um... I can't remember his name because I've had too much to drink but wasn't he great' that no one will know the difference."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this situation as Mr Gardiner shows his 15 year old cousin visiting from Spokane who likes Barcelona, videos of the Timbers crowd.

Sporting KC Fan's Holiday Gifts To Expose Former Kansas City Chiefs Obsession

Kansas City, KS - The light shining on Paul Nathan's face will be reduced to a ruddy glower of incontinence as he  receives a knock off Alex Smith jersey on Christmas morning from his unaware Uncle and Aunt.

"Don't you remember when your room looked this way, Pauly? YOU WERE SO YOUNG."

"I told them, just anything Sporting KC related" said recently completely obsessed Sporting fan Nathan. "However, I'm afraid that my aunt, grandmother, and Uncle will still be getting me Chiefs items for Christmas."

Mr Nathan admitted that his recent obsession with soccer caught his family off guard, but he specifically stated "I only want Sporting KC stuff this year" when asked by his family what they should get him.

A single beacon of blue in a house of red, Mr Nathan stated that he expected to still receive a copious amount of Kansas City Chiefs gear from his family, likely until he dies.

"They just don't really understand" said the 26 year old man who just recently created a twitter account called @SKCBlueTID. "That's fine, but I'm still expecting a Kansas City Chiefs keychain, a bobblehead and a long conversation in the kitchen about the impact of Marcus Allen. I love my family, but next year I'm just telling them that I want socks. Honestly, socks are the best gift you can get anyway."

Sepp Blatter To Pardon Sepp Blatter

Zurich, CH - Sepp Blatter has announced that he will pardon Sepp Blatter of all crimes that he may or may not have committed in the past few years as part of FIFA's Spirit of Christmas promotion.

Get that money, honey! 

Mr Blatter stated, "While I have been a bad boy, I've also been a good boy. As my dominatrix knows, despite the protestations you can always go back for more when someone starts paying attention elsewhere. Everyone loves a good weasel so I've decided to ban myself and then pardon myself and then award myself a massive bonus for being a giant stretched scrotum for the holidays."

FIFA had this conference at the international furrier exposition where Blatter and Michel Platini were picking out multi colored full length fur coats made from cats and dogs. "Michel and I don't even care anymore, we are going full evil. We bought these furs with money we made off gambling on the human cock fights they hold in Qatar."

The Nutmeg News will have more when Mr Blatter bans himself and then re-instates himself again after the holidays.

Woman Giving Opinion On The Faults Of A 3-5-2 Finds That Area Man Is Actually Listening

Newark, NJ - Soccer fan Georgia Ustamento was amazed to find that her opinion on the weaknesses and faults of a 3-5-2 formation were actually listened to by her friend Donald Jamison.

So the problem lies in the fact that the wingbacks... wait.... you are actually paying attention?

Ms. Ustamento was, reportedly, shocked that Mr. Jamison seemed to be actually listening to her opinion and nodding in agreement instead of quickly shouting out, "No, no, no you've got it all wrong" and telling her how it really is.

Ms. Ustamento spoke with The Nutmeg News on Wednesday evening about the situation, "Well, Donald was actually listening. Usually by the time I get past the recent score he tends to zone out, check his phone, and then come roaring into the conversation by loudly stating, 'I don't think you quite understand, so let me explain' and then adjusting his seating position to lean closer to me. However, this time I got all the way to the description of why the diagonal ball creates a difficulty for the wingback and centerback before I realized he hadn't said anything."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr Jamison about this rare moment of non-judgmental friendship and he had the following to say, "Well, yeah... I mean, um sure... she was talking about soccer, which is great, but honestly....there was a cute girl over Georgia's shoulder and I was just trying to look cool and collected in order to flirt with her."

Ms Ustamento had the following to say in response to Mr Jamisons comments, "Guys just don't get football, all they think about is restaurants and getting laid."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Ustamento clarifies her viewpoint on the Gegenpressing tactics of Jurgen Klopp while Mr. Jamison thinks about which restaurant in the Newark area is appropriate for a first date, while also keeping alive the possibility of getting laid.

Soccer Writer Works All Day On Salient Tactical Point Only To Realize It Is Bullshit

Boston, MA - Soccer writer Brad Yellowbrook spent most of Tuesday coming up with a salient tactical point about the United States Men's team only to realize it was unmitigated bullshit.

I can't believe that I spent all day on this.

Mr. Yellowbrook admitted to The Nutmeg News that he spent all day trying to find a reason why the United States is tactically deficient in certain areas only to accept that he was forcing the facts to fit his viewpoint instead of the other way around.

"I've been watching video all day, looking at photos and I realized that my theory is actually incorrect. I mean, this is a gut punch at a massive level as I already wrote 3,000 words on what is the real reason for the struggles of the United States only to realize that my premise is completely flawed," stated Mr Yellowbrook to our reporter. "I thought about publishing it, but despite what you may think... most people don't want to read 3,000 words of complete bullshit unless it really bashes Klinsmann, so I would have to change my entire premise again to fit the facts that I found."

Mr Yellowbrook stated that he wasn't getting paid to write any of this and that he neglected his day job as a programmer in order to do all this work that has now evaporated due to a failed premise.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Yellowbrook obsesses about his premise, spending most of Wednesday and Thursday thinking about a way in which he could fix this so that he could stop working at his crap job that actually pays his bills.

Abby Wambach Tired Of Those Foreigners Stealing All Those Jobs

During an interview with Bill "I only capitalize on soccer when I'm bored" Simmons, Abby Wambach stated that she would fire United States Men's Coach Jurgen Klinsmann because he brought a bunch of foreigners into the team.

"We need to build a wall of red tape against these foreign fullbacks." - Abby Wambach

"They are taking our men's JOBS!" stated Abby Wambach as she also announced her endorsement of carpet bombing Syria.  "The way that he (Klinsmann) has changed and brought in these foreign guys, it’s just not something that I believe in. We should build a wall of legal red tape to prevent any of those refugees and foreigners from coming into our national teams."

Wambach also stated her support for preventing dual nationals from picking the United States as their team stating, "Check their blood, if they don't bleed 'MURICA then I don't want them in my country. I'm so tired of these damn foreigners coming over and playing midfielder or right back or centerback. It's time that we focus on making America's United States Men's Team great again."

Wambach continued her rant stating, "I am America. I am the United States. I'm from the United States. I don't want that shit coming into our teams and polluting them with their foreign influences. Klinsmann OUT. Fabian Johnson OUT. Jermaine Jones OUT. Darlington Nagbe OUT. Chris Wondolowski OUT, his name just SOUNDS too foreign."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Wambach announces her run for the Republican presidential nomination.

Jordan Morris Challenges Don Garber To Golden Contract Fiddle Contest

Stanford, CA - Theoretical US Soccer superstar Jordan Morris has reportedly challenged Don Garber to a Golden Contract fiddle contest for the right to actually control his career if he comes to Major League Soccer.

Even WE think this is harsh.

"Per previous established proviso's, Don must allow me a fiddle contest for the chance to win a Golden Contract," stated Morris through his representation. "This Golden Contract will give me eternal free agency and the ability to go wherever I want for how much money I want in Major League Soccer."

Reportedly Don Garber, "pulled the bow across the strings and it made an evil hiss.
And a band of US Soccer Federation members joined in and it sounded something like this."

Morris released a statement through his representations, afterward, that stated,

"Chicken's in the bread pan picking out dough.
Granny, does your dog bite? No, child, no. "

While no one actually understands the folksy wisdom of these words, apparently the words and the music had a dramatic effect on Don Garber who retreated immediately from said fiddle contest to offer Morris a contract.

The Nutmeg News will have more on Morris' career as he plays "Fire on the mountain, run boy run" before flaming out in Europe and returning to Major League Soccer a chastened player who deserves a multi-million dollar contract because he played in the second division of Austria on loan.

Major League Soccer Clarifies Free Agent Rules

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) clarified their new rules on Free Agent acquisitions by releasing a statement after the rules were already vaguely alluded to, accidentally, during a conference call by Peter Vermes

This clarifies EXACTLY how a player may get from one MLS team to another.

"MLS Teams can only sign two free agents, if the players names start with either a J or a T and their birth dates are between December and March. Additionally teams are allowed to sign three free agents if they roll for initiative and their players names have three vowels in them and they are born in the year 1989. However, they will be penalized $20,000 in allocation money if their players are both born in July and have Baltic ancestry and they don't listen to Lithuanian punk band Dogbones. 

MLS teams can, as well, sign four American free agents if they think that the players will at some point go to Europe and flop in the second division somewhere eventually to return as a big name asset despite not scoring a single goal or playing a single minute in the last 16 months. 

In regards to the actual free agents themselves, MLS free agents can only sign for teams that are allowed by Major League Soccer and only if they do so after a campy and unnecessary video parody of The Dating Game hosted by Rachel Bonnetta that is made by Major League Soccer that details how quirky they are and which team that they should belong to, before actually being traded live during the aforementioned stream." 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as these rules are announced to be outdated and incorrect in another statement during another random league phonecall in two months.

Sporting Kansas City Sign Justin Mapp And An Injury To Be Named Later

Kansas City, KS - Sporting Kansas City announced the signing of midfielder Justin Mapp and disclosed that part of the deal was the inclusion of an injury to be named later.

He's made of water! It all makes sense!

"We thought this was a terrific deal for our team" said Peter Vermes. "It's a two for one deal. Not only do we get Justin Mapp, but we also get the trail of injuries that seem to plague him at nearly every team. While we hope to get Mapp back on track, we also acknowledge the injury proviso that was included on the trade deal. We are hoping to get a great amount of value for him before he misses 2 to 4 months during the 2016 season."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mapp attempts to stay healthy for an entire season.

Man In Supporters Group Reminisces About Golden Time When He Didn't Know Everyone's Crap

Orlando, FL - Orlando City fan Edward (Eddie) Tomjacz admitted that he has taken to reminiscing about the golden time of his supporting Orlando City before he figured out everyone's problems.

"God, I wish I didn't know that Isaac was leaving his girlfriend because she wouldn't stop telling him to slow down on the booze at games."

Mr Tomjacz spoke to The Nutmeg News on Sunday evening about the issues, "I just wish that I could go back to early 2015 before I found out that Charlene gets drunk and tries to bait people to fight each other and Dwayne is addicted to pain killers because of a previous injury and is using them now to cope with his parents divorce. Back when I first started coming, it felt like we were just one huge unit of faceless people here to support Orlando City and I used to tell my friends about how great it was to find this amazing group of people who were so selfless. However, that was pure naivete on my part. I now know that I just hadn't gotten to know people. The more I started going to games, the more I started to get to know people, and the more I found out all the drama in the group."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr Tomjacz's girlfriend Marina Harrison about his recent issues and she had the following to say, "He used to talk about how amazing the support was at the games, and how much fun he had. Then he started to come back from the games complaining about a guy who has bad body odor that loves to hug him, or a guy who quietly says racial slurs behind peoples backs, or the girl who is sleeping with two different guys in the stadium at the same time. I just wish that he could go back to the time when he enjoyed going to the games for the games."

Mr. Tomjacz stated to The Nutmeg News that he is taking a small break from Supporters Group functions including skipping the Christmas Party so that he can go back into the 2016 season refreshed and hopefully forgetting all of the interpersonal drama that can make going to a match so tiresome.

D.C. United Fan Upset That New Badge Design Wasn't A Disaster

WASHINGTON - D.C. United fan Sam Huzenga admitted on Thursday morning that he was upset that the new D.C. United badge design wasn't a disaster.

If you click this link, you won't go to DC United's website... it goes somewhere else. It WOULD however go to our sponsor, if we had a sponsor, but we don't. I mean, as soon as we can sell out, the better.  This content blurb brought to you by BRAWNDO! 

"I wanted it to be a dumpster fire of epic proportion purely for entertainment reasons," said Huzenga to friends. "Instead the front office and design team did a good enough job to avoid a firestorm. Now I'm out all the jokes I was going to make on twitter and all the drama I was going to stir up about them not understanding the club history."

Huzenga's friends say that they were similarly non-plussed about the logo release stating, "It is neither bad nor great." and "I like it, it's good, I have some corrections but all in all it's perfectly fine."

Mr Huzenga finished his comments by stating, "I love my club and I didn't want them to fail at anything but I needed to be entertained. Now that I don't have this to harp on for the next few months I only have the transfer rumors to keep me entertained til the pre-season games start."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Huzenga realizes he still has the ever developing (for 20 years) stadium debate to continue following.

Transfer Rumor: Colorado Rapids Linked To Inanimate Carbon Rod

Denver, CO - The Colorado Rapids have been linked to an inanimate carbon rod that was last seen in Argentina at the Boca Juniors v River Plate match on May 15, 2015.

Also in the transfer rumor mill is Half Empty Bottle, with the Columbus Crew putting requests in to talk to the agent of Half Empty Bottle for a loan spell. There are guarantees in this loan provision that he will make the field.

The technical director of the Rapids, Paul Bravo, stated that the Colorado Rapids had a number of different reasons to pursue the inanimate carbon rod. "We felt like this would be a good fit for our organization as The Rod just sits there letting everything else move around it. It also is a great example to players like Kevin Doyle of what can be accomplished by doing very little. We think the pairing of the Inanimate Carbon Rod and Kevin Doyle would be amazing in Major League Soccer."

While most clubs are steering clear of what is clearly just a simple rod with no life whatsoever, the Rapids, with Stan Kroenke at the helm, are desperate to get the Inanimate Carbon Rod on board.

"In Rod we trust," said Pablo Mastroeni as he desperately ripped off The Simpsons for a quip quote. "We absolutely think that we can bring in the Rod at a great price and that it will contribute to our current style of play."

NO......... no, no, no, no, no, no, no........ this has gone all wrong.

The Nutmeg News spoke to the Inanimate Carbon Rod's agent who dismissed all rumors of going to Major League Soccer saying, "We've never heard of the Colorado Rapids. We are in negotiations with Napoli, currently."

Fan Leaves Internet For Five Minutes And Entire League Financial Structure Changes

Des Moines, IA - Linda Hartford stepped away from her computer for five minutes to grab some Kirkland tortilla chips and found out that the entire financial structure of Major League Soccer had changed by the time she got back.

"So when exactly are we going to find out that this happened three years ago and they just announced it now?"

"They are allowing more investment with the targeted allocation money?" said a perplexed Hartford as she frenetically refreshed Twitter, Reddit and her favorite soccer blogs. "I haven't even really begun to fully comprehend how much money all the teams have in the first place for TAM and now they change it again?!"

While Ms Hartford didn't fully understand the changes yet, she did state the following, "At least the league is being consistently inconsistent. Also, at least more teams are going to have money to spend. I can't wait for the Chicago Fire to bring back Nery Castillo. That's going to be great."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms Hartford goes to get coffee and finds out that no teams from the East conference are playing in the east anymore and that road goals now count towards actual financial numbers.

Twenty Six Major League Soccer Players Excited To Announce Their Free Agency Status and Retirement

The Collective Bargaining Agreement of 2015 now allows players to be eligible for free agency after they reach 28 years of age and play in MLS for at least eight years. As of today, twenty six players are now classified as free agents and have also announced their retirement from MLS.

"Back in my day, the Miami Fusion would pay us in nickles and we would have shootouts at the end of games. Now I'm finally a free-agent and ready to retire"

Ned Grabavoy, the 32 year old midfielder for NYCFC sent out a press release saying, “It’s been a great run for me that started way back in 2003. You have to remember that this was a time when George W Bush decided to invade Iraq so there was a lot of tension in the air and watching soccer gave people a chance to set it aside for a bit. Well, it’s been 12 years since then and we’re looking at going back into Iraq again and my knees are absolutely shot.  So it’s time for me to embrace the opportunity and freedom that my free agency provides by retiring and passing the torch to the next player to get run through the MLS trade wringer. Grabavoy out.”

We also spoke with Jon Busch, keeper for the Chicago Fire, to see how he was going to handle this new opportunity free agency provides. “This is going to be huge. We, the players, have been pushing for free agency for years and now we’ve finally got it just in time for me to announce that I’m retiring from MLS before I turn 40 next August. My wife and I have to plan a big party with black streamers and ‘Lordy, lordy, look who's 40’ napkins. It’s going to be amazing, but not as amazing as the ability to negotiate my pay with any team of my choosing that I’ll never actually use. Free Agency is truly the best thing that ever happened to me.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the MLS Players Union gives back free-agency to get a limited supply of calcium tablets and Werthers Original (to prevent the dry mouth) for their free-agent's to be.

Journalist Who Writes For "Love Of The Game" Dies Of Starvation

NEW YORK - Soccer journalist, podcast, blogger and website curator Dave Richards has passed away after reportedly not eating for the past 5 years while he had absolutely zero money coming in from writing about soccer in the United States.

One day when my column gives me a chance to write for free for a major international brand I'll get a half chance to write for money. Then I can start thinking about top ramen!

"He was always broke" said Richards friend Barbara Leavenworth. "I tried to tell him that passion and interest in reporting soccer isn't going to pay the bills but he wouldn't listen."

Richards apparently sacrificed his own personal life, finances and health in order to report on the game accurately and informatively for the thousands that read his daily columns and listened to his work on line.

"He was the greatest," said Red Bull New York fan Samuel Hawthorne. "The guys at the Post and even the Times wouldn't always delve into such depth that Dave did. The fans out here who remember when both those newspapers wouldn't touch the local game with a 12 foot pole always appreciated him and the fact that he cared. I'm going to miss him, but I just wish that he could have figured out how to actually get paid to do this job so he would still be around."

The Nutmeg News asked a panel of soccer bloggers if they received any compensation to do their work and none of them had enough strength from eating recently to respond.

"I work for the love of the game," said a clearly broke Yancey Thigpen who covers Orlando City soccer. "I live with my parents, write and research for 12 hours a day, listen to online audio to learn the pronunciation of players names that I don't understand, study tactics and sometimes I take jobs at the convenience store around the corner just so I can make some money. I just feel that I am one well placed article with a European blog away from breaking into this industry."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as bloggers realize again and again that the love of the game only will take them so far.