LAFC Lauded As Best CONCACAF Champions League Almost Victors In League History

LOS ANGELES - Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) were lauded after their almost win in the CONCACAF Champions League as being the best Almost Victors in league history by pundits across the league.

“I truly can’t think of a better team that didn’t end up winning enough to win a trophy,” stated one league writer. “LAFC is truly incredible. They are revolutionizing the way we see second place.”

Analysts and pundits employed by the league were shocked at the nearly outstanding play by the league darling as they bullied their way to the finals in a way not reminiscent of other teams that also went to the final and lost.

“The way they attacked and then conceded goals late ultimately being unable to win the trophy in the final game of the tournament? REVOLUTIONARY,” stated one league pundit.

“They’re doing the choking in the last possible moment thing better than any other MLS team,” stated one writer. “Other teams really should be amazed by their work.”

MLS quickly put out a new article of the best almost victor come from behind almost victories in CCL history naming the 2020 LAFC almost victory against Tigres as the number moment of the year.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as LAFC give up another late goal.

USMNT Fan Not About To Let One Fake Twitter Cancer Scam Stop Him From Reading And Re-Tweeting The Other 400 Fake Insider Accounts He Follows

Saginaw, MI - USMNT fan Jason Phillips stated that he was not about to let one fake Twitter account that betrayed his trust by turning out to fake a Cancer scam and be full of fraudulent, bullshit information keep him from reading and re-tweeting the other 400 fake insider accounts that he follows.

“Ok, so he DIDNT have brain cancer,” stated Phillips to The Nutmeg News. “But maybe he also did and this is all just a psyop! Who knows the truth these days. After all, he did DM me something about how he liked a tweet I wrote a year ago that would likely prove true with a player in the future and that…. MEANS something. This isn’t like Q-Anon, this is more important. To suggest that some people wouldn’t have insider information regarding the evil Machiavellian conspiracy that inundates US Soccer is ridiculous, so some of these people are clearly legit.”

Phillips indicated that despite most of the accounts that he follows being repeatedly and historically wrong over the course of time, that it’s worth following them for the 1 time they are right that makes him feel like he had some kind of insider information.

“Ok, so some of the information was bullshit,” stated Phillips, “but also some of the information might NOT be bullshit. We haven’t gotten there yet, but you never know! Plus, I know that if I follow 1,000 Twitter accounts claiming they are insiders that ONE of them has to be. ITS THE LAWS OF PROBABILITY.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Phillips gets more insider information that is 100% not true, but that also won’t be provable for over a year which guarantees that he really won’t remember that it wasn’t true.

Friendly Neighborhood Millionaire Hopes You Spend $600 Stimulus Check On His Soccer Team

The friendly neighborhood millionaire/billionaire that owns your local soccer team stated that he hopes you spend your upcoming $600 stimulus check on his soccer team as it’s been a, “HECK of a time on my portfolio during this global event.”

“It’s been very rough for all of us that own franchises, sports teams, Tesla stock, second homes in the Virgin Islands, and multi-story condominium land developments,” stated your local millionaire. “I hope that you understand that I could really use that $600 in season ticket payments or kit sales to offset what a terrible year 2020 was for my overall portfolio.”

Despite the $600 barely even making a dent in utilities, back-due rent, bank fees, and interest rate payments on the credit cards you’ve used to survive the past 11 months while the rich in the United States continue to make money, your friendly neighborhood millionaire wants you to know that it’s been trying for him..

“I haven’t take a trip to the French Alps, this year,” stated the owner of the team that you go sing for every weekend. “And our overall sales have been way down. I re-invested some stocks in what I like to call pandemic planning to ensure that I don’t have financial problems in the future so I suggest that everyone call their broker and ensure that you really diversify your funds across a large segment of the industry.”

The Nutmeg News spoke to soccer fan Sandra Ruiz who stated that some of the $600 will go to a payday loan shop to cover the fees they need to cash the check as she is overdrawn at the bank and needs the money for groceries instead of paying it all to settle the ever increasing fees with Wells Fargo.

“I hope that my team owner understands that I can’t afford to buy anything with this $600 because we need to eat,” stated Ruiz.

For their part, your friendly local millionaire was incensed that everyone can’t live off $600 as he stated that, “better financial planning would allow you to buy an authentic kit, a stocking stuffer from the front office and a down payment on a split level townhouse.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as soccer teams plan stimulus sales.

"This Is The Healthiest Relationship With Soccer I've Had In Years," States Man Depressed By Literally Everything Else

From deep underneath his weighted blanket and soothing white noise machine, soccer fan Harper Williams stated, “this is the healthiest relationship with soccer I’ve had in years,” as Williams admitted he was relived to find his anxiety and paralyzing depression were not just linked to the wins and losses of a sports team.

“Typically I think that I need to make certain I’m keeping track of my overall mood and ability to slip into a depression based upon the things that happen over the course of a season,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “However, this time it’s apparent that whether we win or whether we lose… whether we have a great centerback or a winger that can’t complete a pass, that we are all going to suffer the horrifying paralytic crushing depression of watching your friends and family exhibit their near fatal obsession with flouting medical, political and scientific mandates because they want to shop at a Wal-Mart and drink at a bar despite the deaths of over 300,000 of their fellow denizens.”

Williams indicated that this wasn’t something he realized immediately at the start of the year, but was the biproduct losing faith in literally every facet of his family and societal structure as he became aware of what people were doing around him due to the excessively long time that he was alone this year.

“I watched my friends deny that there was a pandemic, become sick and then spread it around. I watched others become Trump supporters and start talking about Q-spiracies. To paraphrase the poet, I’ve seen the best minds of my generation show themselves to be petty, horrifyingly short sighted human beings who don’t really give a shit about anything other than their own wallet and experiences. It makes that 1-1 draw with those red cards that weren’t given pretty meaningless. I’ve really been able to enjoy games this year because I can’t hit bottom after a loss.”

In an attempt at severely over-exaggerated cheerfulness, Williams stated that he wasn’t bad all the time, but that it would creep up upon him as an anxious itching begging to ruin his day with thoughts about how awful everything was.

“I said it before, but this really is the healthiest relationship with soccer I’ve had in years.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams has a paralyzing nightmare about being in a city square with people walking about him and no way to protect himself.

MLS Parler Account Not Doing As Well As Planned

INTERNET - Sources with Major League Soccer indicate that their attempt to interact with all people from all political convictions is failing as the Parler account set up for the league is not doing as well as planned.

Parler, the social media site for extreme right/authoritarian conservatives who have lost their mind, was considered another social media presence for MLS as the league searched for another way to reach out to conservatives and bring them into soccer.

“We wanted to make big strides with the conservative demographic but it turns out they are really weird,” stated one anonymous source. “It’s… well… it’s gone poorly.”

A post to the social media service to promote MLS Cup, last weekend, was met with a barrage of comments demanding to know if the league was a communist agent fueled by the animate corpse of Che Guevara, and taking republican children into the under-verse to teach non-traditional gender roles, love of ethnic foods that are fronts for Muslim fundamentalists who don’t say Merry Christmas, and subservience to Karl Marx, who is still alive and teaching there.

“Q told Steve who told Linda who told Dave who told @BigLieOpenSky who deciphered the riddles by connecting the 3rd letter from every Trump tweet that you can take your commie ball and stick it with your marxist black lives matters up your libral media ass, Crew to win and defeat Seattle Antifa Rioters,” stated one Parler account to the MLS post trying to encourage fans to predict the game score.

An account attributed to USMNT soccer player Geoff Cameron asked people to consider that Major League Soccer would be a gateway to young people learning about the basic philosophies of conservatives as he argued that the league could have a, “Women belong in the kitchen, and White Men created the world,” night.

The Nutmeg News will have more as MLS prepares for their next barrage of comments after making a post supporting the Black Players for Change.

Anthony Precourt Celebrates Columbus Crew Win By Planning To Screw Additional Group Of Fans

Austin, TX - Carpetbagging shithead Anthony Precourt celebrated the MLS Cup win by the Columbus Crew by planning to screw additional groups of fans, in the future.

“I guess you can say I’m a bit of an anti-hero,” stated Precourt into a silver plated hand mirror. “Adversity makes people more motivated. You can now see the full scope of my work, my… yes… MY masterpiece. I can’t wait to do the same with my new team.”

Precourt indicated that he found it really hard to disassociate his work in making the Crew painful to enjoy with their MLS Cup victory

“This just made me realize that I should do the same things to Austin FC because they’ll win the MLS Cup after,” stated Precourt. “After I sigh a terrible television deal, cut staff, let the stadium decline, and exploit an additional loophole to move the team to San Diego… well…. First they are going to suffer.... but after I'm gone... It'll be championship after championship. I’m doing them a FAVOR, you see.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Anthony Precourt starts planning for the future “Save Austin FC” campaign.

Major League Soccer Awards MLS Cup To Atlanta United Anyway

Columbus, OH - Despite the result of MLS Cup 2020, Commissioner Don Garber indicated that Major League Soccer would be awarding MLS Cup to Atlanta United.

“We awarded Atlanta United the cup because they won it in the last 3 years,” stated Garber to The Nutmeg News. "Based on Rule 30324, they get the Cup if they don’t make the playoffs.”

Sources indicate that MLS executives made the call after forecasting that the ratings for the game would not break the Verzuz battle between Ashanti and Keyshia Cole.

“Look, at some point we just need to award it to the club with one of the biggest followings and… well… you know what? Screw it. We don’t have to explain shit. SUCK IT!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS Awards the Player Of The Year to Cristiano Ronaldo.

American Outlaws Thankful They Saved Prepared Statement From The Last Few Racist Incidents

Omaha, NE - The spokesman for the American Outlaws stated that he was, “TOTES THANKFUL, BRO,” that he saved the statement the organization used from the last few racist incidents that the group has had from the people who patronize its ranks.

“Saved me a lot of time, bro,” stated Connor “MURICA LOVER” McGee. “I just changed what I needed to change and did the usual thing where I put the onus on other groups that aren’t affiliated with the national organization, made a non-apology apology and made claims about being inclusive. Really saved me time to go off having some AMERICAN beers.”

Sources with the group indicate that the group drafted a formal statement they could reuse after the numerous times targeted racial slurs were heard in the Outlaws section with AO members singing, “build a wall, mow my lawn, and the Stole My Sombrero,” songs.

“Look, we need to have some kind of statement ready,” stated one anonymous source. “You never know when someONE and we don’t KNOW if they are a member, but some LONE WOLF UNAFFILIATED PERSON STANDING ADJACENT TO AO hangs a blue line flag and starts shit talking Black Lives Matters. We can’t appear racist even if we seem to attract racist fans like flypaper. It was only a matter of time before our fans ability to hate anyone that even remotely looks Mexican transformed into hating Black Lives Matter.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as AO prepares for the next scandal.

Houston Dynamo Fan Confident That Re-Designed Logo Will Replace Production Of Mauro Manotas

Houston, TX - Houston Dynamo fan Steven Williams stated that he was confident that the newly re-designed Houston Dynamo logo will be able to replace the production of star forward Mauro Manotas who was recently sold to Club Tijuana.

“You watch, they can put that logo on the field and it’ll start banging in the goals,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “This is a lateral move at WORST. We are gonna see some real production from this logo.”

Other Dynamo fans remain concerned that the Dynamo don’t have a real plan to build a competitive roster and will likely cheap out on buying additional players until they become so irrelevant that there are concrete rumors about them moving to New Orleans.

“I can fully believe that they would do this and yet I still can’t believe we are here,” stated Dynamo fan Paul Hernandez. “I guess trying for the wooden spoon is being ambitious in a direction of some kind.”

For his part, Williams stayed positive about the situation as he stated, “Logos are the biggest signing a team can make, it can change the outcome of a season. I don’t have any good examples I just know it’s true. There’s a reason why they called Jerry West the Logo. Just you wait, I’m going with logo for golden boot.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as the Dynamo consider signing Own Goal to bolster their squad.

UEFA Announces Intergalactic Tournament With Galactic Federation Clubs

Nyon, CH - Aleksander Čeferin, president of UEFA, announced a new intergalactic Champions League Tournament with soccer clubs from the Galactic Federation.

“We extended the olive branch and offer clubs from Canis Major, Adromeda, Cosmos Redshift 7, Hoag’s Object, and the Little Sombrero Galaxy to bring their clubs to Earth in order to participate in the Intergalactic Champions League, brought to you by Slurm,” stated Čeferin. “Teams from the Tadpole Galaxy, the Southern Pinwheel Galaxy and the Wolf-Lundmark-Melotte Galaxy will need to advance through qualifications to reach the Intergalactic Champions League.”

Sources indicate that representatives of the teams from Bode’s Galaxy were exceptionally upset about their rankings coefficient that indicated their teams were not strong enough to join the UEFA Intergalactic Champions League tournament.

“⏁⊑⟟⌇ ⟟⌇ ⏃⋏ ⏃⏚⌇⍜⌰⎍⏁⟒ ⏁⍀⏃⎐⟒⌇⏁⊬! ⍜⎍⍀ ⏁⟒⏃⋔⌇ ⌰⟟☍⟒ ⊑⏃⏃⎐⍜⍀⎅'⌇ ⍙⏃⋏⎅⟒⍀⟒⍀⌇ ⏃⋏⎅ ⏃327 ⎍⋏⟟⏁⟒⎅ ⎅⟒⌇⟒⍀⎐⟒ ⏃ ☊⊑⏃⋏☊⟒ ⏁⍜ ⌿⌰⏃⊬ Manchester United,” stated the representatives from Bode’s Galaxy.

For their part, representatives from Earth’s Major League Soccer were reportedly infuriated as they, too, were not invited to participate, however as Čeferin stated, “If we were not going to invite ⊑⏃⏃⎐⍜⍀⎅'⌇ ⍙⏃⋏⎅⟒⍀⟒⍀⌇, then we certainly aren’t going to invite the Seattle Sounders. At least ⊑⏃⏃⎐⍜⍀⎅'⌇ ⍙⏃⋏⎅⟒⍀⟒⍀⌇ beat ⍀⟟☌⟒⌰ ⚏ ⎍⋏⟟⏁⟒⎅ 2-0 at the Estadio ⏃⟟⍀ ⟟⌇ ⏃ ⌿⍀⟒☊⟟⍜⎍⌇ ☊⍜⋔⋔⍜⎅⟟⏁⊬.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as representatives from TGSS J1530+_1049 ask whether or not Earth has Promotion/Relegation.

New England Revolution One Win Away From Chance To Lose In MLS Cup Again

Foxborough, MA - Players and fans with the New England Revolution admit that they are keen to keep up the traditions of the club as they realized they are only one win away from a chance to lose in MLS Cup again.

“Oh god, I didn’t know if I would ever have a chance to see this day,” stated Revolution fan Tom Evans. “My dad talks about finishing second in 2002, 2005, 2006 and 2007, but I didn’t think that I’d get a chance to talk about this to my children.”

Players were reportedly eager to have a chance to finish second in the league as they talked about upholding the traditions of the team.

“Just like the glory days of Taylor Twellman we rise to the heavens and get really close before ultimately failing,” stated one anonymous player. “It’s OUR time to shine a little dimmer than the Champion. Our time to be in second place and our time to really put our stamp on the legacy of the New England Revolution.”

Insiders indicate that the rallying cry of this Revolution team has been, “FOR TWELLMAN,” before rushing the field to attempt to finish second again as they explained that all their work this season has built to this crux moment.

“We are one win away! ONE WIN AWAY FROM SECOND PLACE!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Revolution worry about their ability to do just enough and not too much.

Utah Royals Fan Attempts To Pick Up Discounted Royals Player During Holiday Sale

Salt Lake City, UT - Utah Royals fan Jennifer Anders stated that she was looking into picking up some of the discounted Royals players during the current Utah Royals Holiday Sale.

“I narrowly missed out on acquiring Kelley O’Hara from the Royals,” stated Anders to The Nutmeg News. “I’m looking at acquiring a few extra players for Christmas as gifts to some of the soccer fans in my life.”

With news that the Royals are currently sending players off for cheap this holiday season, it inspired Anders to look towards this as an option during the Holiday season.

“What better gift is there than the gift of an actual Royals player,” stated Anders. “While, yes, it may indicate the complete collapse of the team as they hurtle towards the oblivion created by Del Loy Hansen…. on the other hand how many times can you acquire USWNT defenders for dirt cheap. It’s practically a steal!”

Anders also indicated that she is looking into whether she can just acquire the team as a whole as the Holiday Sale offers deep discounts.

“If they would just throw in free shipping on the team…. oh… wait… no… No… let’s not have free shipping on that.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as bargain shopper C. Long attempts to enter the promo code ROYALS2020 to look at the free shipping option.

Supporters Exclusive Inside Source Is Fan Liaison

Seattle, WA - Seattle Sounders supporter Kerry Williams finally revealed, today, that his long protected exclusive inside source is Sounders Fan Liaison Beth Andrews.

“Oh…. INDEED…. that IS some juicy news about group ticket sales for 2021.”

“I have all the inside scoop on the team,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “Whenever anyone needs investigation done, I go to my insider knowledgebase by talking to the fan liaison. They don’t just talk to everyone you know.”

The Nutmeg News spoke to Ms. Andrews who stated, "Part of my job is to talk to everyone about their concerns."

However, that didn't stop Williams from claiming that Andrews gave him the exclusive inside scoop on ticket deals and insider team news over the last two seasons that he has been a season ticket holder.

“Nobody else knew that the season ticket gift would include a team schedule or that our best player would be re-signing with us. I didn’t see anyone talking about that before I did. I’m very close with the team so it makes sense.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams teases some upcoming news about the coaching negotiations when his source finally gets back to him about that.

Montreal Impact Test Positive For The FC Virus

MONTREAL - Despite their best efforts to quarantine over the last 27 years, it was leaked to the press, today, that the Montreal Impact tested positive for the FC Virus.

“We couldn’t believe it,” stated owner/operator Joey Saputo. “We’ve been taking this virus very seriously, but it seems like every other team in North America, we suddenly are FC.”

Sources indicate that the virus must have started infecting the organization months or even years ago as it spread throughout the front office of the Impact before they finally tested positive

“This is a warning to other teams, you’ll enjoy your life like nothings happening and next thing you know you have the FC virus,” stated one anonymous source with Montreal FC. “I’m looking at you New England, acting like nothing is wrong. Don’t think this is a hoax! You could be Boston FC, tomorrow.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as local residents attempt to inoculate themselves against the FC Virus

American Buys VPN Service In Order To Search "Football" Without Getting NFL Results

Atlanta, GA - Soccer fan Dale “Puzzy” Sanders finalized his purchase of a personal home VPN service for his phone and computer so that he could connect to an England endpoint and search “football” without getting NFL results.

“I got made fun of at the local Chelsea bar for saying soccer, and since then I’ve been trying to get my friends to realize that it’s called FOOTball, mate,” stated Sanders to The Nutmeg News “We can’t let the NFL continue ruining this beautiful word.”

Sanders indicated that his efforts to rebrand his consciousness and vocabulary ramped up when he started following local side Atlanta United.

“I hate when I search up ‘Atlanta Football’ and get the Falcons,” stated Sanders. “That’s the wrong resident of Mercedes Benz Stadium. I want the other proper football team that’s disappointing this year. I didn't start following football to get it confused with football because I refer to it as football."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sanders realizes that even searching Atlanta Football from London gives Atlanta Falcons’ results.