Uninformed Man Has Some Comments To Make About US Women Equality Campaign

INTERNET - An uninformed man reportedly has some comments to make about the campaign of the United States women towards equal pay.

"LET ME EXPLAIN TO YOU WHY THEY ARE WRONG," Mr David Barrows stated as he began typing a 10 bullet point comment online about how these womens are just totally wrong. 

Despite having done absolutely zero research on the topic, the availability of the internet as his bullhorn has allowed Mr Barrows to comment on a number of topics that he has no actual knowledge about including reproductive rights, women's soccer, women's basketball and the emasculation of men by a secret cabal of hollow earth Amazonian women who look like his ex-wife Deborah.

"This is just another example of why the patriarchy is in decline," stated Mr Barrows to The Nutmeg News on Thursday morning. "Women don't deserve to be paid commensurate with what they earn. Have you ever seen Women's basketball? I haven't but I heard it is just awful. No one cares about women's sports, ever. I make it a point to tell everyone that in every single newspaper column comment section that has reported on this debacle. Despite having not looked any of this information up I'm sure that the men's version of whatever they are complaining about brings in more money. I'm dead certain of that."

Mr Barrows ensured that he covered the full spectrum of commenting including his twitter account, comments on newspaper sites and Facebook. 

"The people must know! Women shouldn't make more money than I make. Their opinion of this somehow threatens something of mine directly, despite me not getting any money from the US Soccer Federation nor being able to articulate exactly why this infuriates me so much. This is about my opinion meaning a lot because I'm a white guy with a lot of time on his hands."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Barrows starts a successful subreddit to complain about Women soccer players in the United States requesting equal money to men.

US Soccer Federation Under Fire For Behavior At Press Conference

CHICAGO - After calling a press conference to speak about the recent wage discrimination complaint filed by five United States players against the US Soccer Federation, Sunil Gulati was reportedly criticized for his bizarre behavior and dress as he came to answer questions.

Hey baby, you know that Sunny G is going to take care of you!

Showing up to the press conference in a purple blazer with a pimp cane, diamond rings, a gold dollar bill pendant and a diamond encrusted 96 medallion made custom for Mr Gulati in reference to the 1996 Women's Olympic Gold Medal, Sunil Gulati spoke to a collection of shocked reporters.

"Baby, I just want to say that you know Sunny G is good for the money," stated Gulati to the collected journalists. "All these ladies need to do is bring in the income, and we decide how to spend it. They better bring in that paper, though."

Mr Gulati then instructed an assistant to turn on Jay Z's "Big Pimpin" as he finished out his interview session.

"Yes, they bring in the money, but they don't know how to spend it. I can't trust a 23 year old woman with money. Shit, I can barely trust Geoff Cameron with a 50% off Nike pass. Those women would just run out and spend it on stuff like real grass or a decent food stipend or appropriate pay for appropriate work or a sexy foam party. They don't need real grass. What they need is for someone with a watchful eye to let them know what they need and to take care of all that money. They don't know how hard it is to be the Federation. WE gotta keep the regulators out of their business, the G-men, the feds, the FIFA. We got people to pay off and we got money to sink into Sum. You know how hard it is to take care of Sum? It's hard. It's totes hard. Let me tell you, It's hard out there for a president."

Reportedly, Mr Gulati then opened up a 1958 Chateau Latour and poured it into a mug with a diamond encrusted logo that stated PREZ on the side.

"All I'm saying is, they bring in the money and we show them the honey, and by the honey I mean uneven and sand filled artificial turf on the 185th friendly since the world cup ended for a mostly filled stadium against a team they will kill 6-0 and then they will be required to attend a 3 hr autograph session afterward."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Sunny G calls his next press conference.

Canada And United States Edge Towards Official Football Countries After Frustrations With National Teams Mount

Canada and the United States were announced as having crept slightly closer towards being official football countries after frustrations with their national teams increased.

"As we can see, the acceptance of football in the United States and Canada has moved the doomsday clock even closer to total destruction."

The IAFCC (the International Association Of Football Country Certification) stated that both countries in recent weeks have taken a strong step towards international recognition with their cycle of overrating their national team which is then naturally followed by a loss, followed by passionate anger, depression, asking for the coach to be fired, underrating their team, apathy and then anger.

"We saw a large shift in the way in which these two fanbases moved towards the vicious cycle of supporting a national team," stated director of scientific research and latent Dido fan John Hammond. "One of the foundations of a true footballing nation is the crushing realization that the national team you follow is fundamentally flawed in some major way and the depression that comes along with that. Of course you have exceptions like Germany, but even they have something to be upset about."

While the move towards legitimacy has increased, the IAFCC has stated that both countries have more work to do before they can be considered legitimate.

"Part of the function of many true footballing countries is having so much failure as a country that you would rather watch your club perform than your country. This typically happens until your international squad makes the World Cup semi-final at which point you are allowed to jump on that bandwagon with every jingoistic nationalist bone in your body," stated Mr Hammond. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the IAFCC debates whether the Pie Standard should be applied to both countries as a litmus test for footballing culture.

Area Dickhead Manages To Disagree With Howler Youth Soccer Story In Record Time

Portland, ME - Area Dickhead Kerry Van Dorin managed to disagree in record time with the recent Howler long form story on youth soccer as he furiously scanned the first sentence of the piece and proclaimed emphatically, "I AM NOT AN OCTOPUS" before slamming the magazine on his table to walk out and shotgun a beer.

"I AM NOT AN OCTOPUS, I DON'T LOOK LIKE AN OCTOPUS AND I TAKE OFFENSE AT THE MODERN UNITED STATES SOCCER FAN BEING COMPARED TO AN OCTOPUS OR BEING ASKED TO IMAGINE THAT THEY ARE ONE," ranted Mr Van Dorin to his friends Robbie and Zeke as they loaded up the new water bong that they bought at The Blazin Ace on Friday. "Do I look like an Octopus? NO?! Well you can't boil youth soccer down to an octopus. The problem is too multi-layered and nuanced to be an octopus. I'd just as soon be a squid. You ever see a squid? MAJESTIC AS FUCK. A squid would win the world cup. Maybe someone should ask that Howler and that Parchman dude if they should stop asking kids to imagine they are an octopus and imagine they are a squid. BAM! Instant World Cup."

While Mr. Van Dorin has long had a tendency to flip out in rage fueled profanity laced rants about the state of soccer in the United States, largely he waits until after he reads over half the article before he spouts his inane thoughts. However, friends state that recently he has been working on getting filled with anger earlier, so he doesn't have to finish the piece.

"He only needed to read one sentence in Howler, man" stated friend Robbie Branch. "It's pretty amazing. Like he is really smart about soccer, and I don't even know where he got that. Dude's never played before. All he does is play... um... like FIFA n'shit.... so I don't even know."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Mr. Van Dorin's rage as he tries to see if he is still angry at the state of youth soccer by driving by a playground to yell at the formation of 12 year olds on the field.

Landon Donovan Disappointed In United States Win

LOS ANGELES - Landon Donovan, international superstar and greatest United States player of all time... ever, announced that he was disappointed in the United States Men's team win on Tuesday evening.

WHY WONT THEY FIRE HIM!?

"We really had one chance to be rid of that kraut bastard," stated Donovan to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday morning. "I was hoping that the United States would lose so we could finally get rid of Jurgen and I would be proven right in all regards surrounding the United States Men's Team."

While shocking to some outsiders, it should come as no surprise to those that have followed the short cold spell of tension that exists between Donovan and Klinsmann.

"I just want to see him lose, because it will prove that he was wrong. And if he is wrong in general then he is wrong about not taking me to the World Cup. And he was definitely wrong about not taking me to the World Cup. How? HOW COULD HE? I am Landon Donovan. He is definitely wrong. And the next game that he screws up, he should be fired. Hell he should just be fired anyway," ranted Donovan to our reporter. "My shock omission didn't rile people up, my response to the situation didn't rile people, my banner I paid to have flown over the stadium last night didn't rile people up, WAKE UP AMERICA, GEOFF CAMERON AND ABBY WAMBACH ARE RIGHT!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Donovan starts pulling for the Mexican national team to knock the United States out of CONCACAF World Cup Qualifying to make his point..

Fence Sitting Reporter Relieved To Be Equally Hated By Pro-Klinsmann And Anti-Klinsmann Groups

CHICAGO - Ralph Eberly, soccer reporter for the Chicago Tribune, admitted that he was relieved to be equally hated by both pro-Klinsmann and anti-Klinsmann groups as he published another column that kept himself firmly in the middle of the swirling argument that surrounds the United States coach.

Publishes USMNT Column, "Let's see what's in my email...... On second thought..."

"I know that when I get feedback from both groups that I am a sellout that I've hit the right note," stated Eberly to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. "I only have to write an article about the current problems with the US Soccer Federation and the US Men's team, and people will start calling me a shill or a sellout. It's great."

The Nutmeg News spoke to soccer fans on both sides of the divide to get their opinion. Our reporters spoke with James Mansfield, organizer of the Anti-Klinsmann-OUT Facebook page.

"We with the Anti-Klinsmann-OUT Facebook page want to ensure that the Klinsmann OUT people don't have their way. We are Anti-Klinsmann-OUT and we want reporters to serve the better interests of ensuring that he stays and Sunil Gulati goes. Mr Eberly has staunchly decided to not make himself the story and we find this worrisome. Until he shows his dedication to anti-Klinsmann-OUT narrative we will not be mollified!"

Our reporters than spoke with Tomas Buzcinsky, editor and organizer of the Pro-Klinsmann-OUT Facebook page.

"We with the Pro-Klinsmann-OUT Facebook page want to ensure that the Anti-Klinsmann-OUT people don't have their way. We are pro-Klinsmann-OUT and we want reporters to serve the better interests of this great country in ensuring that he goes and Sunil Gulati goes, both at the same time, or perhaps one after the other at some kind elaborate sham ceremony where the tiki idol is revealed to be cursed like that time with Greg Brady. Mr Eberly has staunchly decided to not make himself the story and we find this worrisome. Real reporting is about taking what other people say and giving your opinion even though all you do is file expense reports on time, work late to make deadlines and try to find sleep after turning in an assignment at 1:00 am. Until he shows his dedication to pro-Klinsmann-OUT, WE WILL NOT BE MOLLIFIED."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this situation as we speak to the KlinsmannIN (to USSF but out of the United States coaching job) separatist group on their thoughts.

FC Cincinnati Play-By-Play Commentator To Spend Next Three Weeks Learning How To Pronounce Louisville

Cincinnati, OH - FC Cincinnati play by play commentator Tom Gelehrter has announced that he will spend the next three weeks learning how to correctly say Louisville correctly in anticipation of calling the Louisville City versus FC Cincinnati game.

It's Lewis Vil! LOOLYVILLE?! ahhhhh, nevermind.

"I've been told that it isn't pronounced LoooooooeyVeeeel," stated Mr Gelehrter to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. "So I've taken it upon myself to hire a diction coach to pronounce it the right way. We've started with general Kentucky vowel sounds and we hope to be ready to go with the pronunciation by the 16th of April."

Reportedly, the general consensus of the pronunciation of Louisville varies depending upon the amount of Yankee one has in their blood, but this isn't stopping a man from Ohio at trying to learn how to state the city.

"I'm already practicing on making that hidden a/uh sound, and I'm going to master this. I've got enough time and by the time it comes around I'm going to be saying Cinacinnati and Ohiuho. It only makes sense that I should take interest in this. As I have always said, there's a lot of Ohio in Louis Ville and it's not just the river," stated Mr Gelehrter with a wink and a knowing nod.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when he pronounces it LoooeyVeel right off the bat.

MLS to D.C. United, "Shape Up Or Get Replaced By The Richmond Kickers"

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer has given D.C. United an ultimatum stating that if the Eastern Conference team doesn't shape up, it is going to be replaced by the Richmond Kickers.

Sure, but can he do it on a cold rainy night in RFK Stadium?

"Did you see that Kickers game?" stated president of Major League soccer Mark Abbot. "It was beautiful and an example of flowing football. The United game was like watching the keystone cops fumbling a ball around in the midfield for a while until Dallas ran the length of the field and scored."

While, reportedly, Ben Olsen is upset at the situation, the ultimatum has allowed him to refocus on his tactics and watch some tape of the United USL affiliate. 

"I was unaware that you could pass, score and defend in the same game," stated Olsen. "It's actually amazing to watch them control the ball across the middle of the field, play combinations, get a lead and hold on to it. I filled two steno pads with notes and I think that we will manage to survive this current malaise given the extra chance that Major League Soccer gave us. I mean... complete passes, pull the defense out of position and SCORE.... OF COURSE!"

While Richmond put on a display during their game against the Harrisburg City Islanders, the extra pressure of potentially moving to MLS is not making them change their approach.

The Nutmeg News spoke to head coach Leigh Cowlishaw and he stated, "It would be great, but I only want that if we beat United head to head. I'd rather make it a competition, during the season, for supremacy. I'm confident, though, that we can take them down, because we can do more than one thing at one time and actually finish the shots we take. As long as I have Yudai Imura by my side, things are going to be just fine."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS Schedules a home and home to decide supremacy.

Woman Unsure If She Is Bilingual Enough To Support Montreal Impact

MONTREAL - Soccer fan Heather Goldenjay has admitted that she is unsure of whether or not she speaks enough French to become a Montreal Impact fan.

Allez! ALLEZ!

(opens up Berlitz French to English dictionary)

"I came here without a huge background in speaking French other than the two weeks I spent in Lille four years ago on a student immersion program," stated Ms. Goldenjay. " As it turns out, that may not have been enough to break into supporting the Impact. Frankly, the only French that I can remember anymore is Bonjour, Ouvert, Ferme, Allez and, because of Tim Hortons, toujours frais."

Ms. Goldenjay admits that she while she didn't grow up in a bilingual household in Calgary, that she moved to Quebec to attend the University of Montreal while she tries to figure out her life.

"It seemed so exotic, and I love soccer so I wanted to get involved but I'm really not sure that I speak enough French to root for Montreal. I totally get the Allez Montreal, but is it an affectation if I pronounce it Mon Real instead of Mon-treal? I just don't even know."

Reportedly Ms. Goldenjay's mother is upset that her daughter even consider rebelling against their history of supporting the Calgary Mustangs, but Ms. Goldenjay was resolute.

"I'm in Montreal. I'm trying to learn French. I'm trying to blend in and assimilate, so eventually I'll likely be screaming Allez l'Impact from the top of my lungs while sporting a painted fleur-de-lis on my cheeks. They just need to accept this is happening," stated Ms. Goldenjay as she loaded Duolingo on her laptop.

The Nutmeg News will have more on Ms. Goldenjay as she forms an opinion on Quebec solidarity.

Dave Johnson Still Certain That DC United Game Against Dallas Is Winnable

WASHINGTON - Play by play commentator for DC United, Dave Johnson, is still firmly convinced that the DC United loss to FC Dallas is winnable despite the game having been over since Saturday.

Insult meets injury.

"There are some really great things to take from this performance," stated Mr Johnson into a microphone in his kitchen on Monday morning. "United still have a chance at coming back and winning this game, it is very winnable."

Despite DC United going down two goals early followed by a torrent of spastic play which was hardly ever consistently threatening, Mr. Johnson was unwavering in his belief that there was, "Still a very good chance United were going to win."

"Isn't it always that way that when a team goes down 2-0 and barely looks competent at finishing and Fabián Espíndola is losing his mind on the field that they come back and score three unanswered goals to win a game? All the time. It happened to my nephew on FIFA the other day."

While DC United awaited the first goal that never came, Mr Johnson's belief was unwavering, even after the 3rd goal hit the back of the net.

"This is still a very winnable game, isn't it? Totally. Once United get another round of substitutions, and we come back for the second leg, United can still win this. United can still take a lot of positives from this 0-3 scoreline. It is absolutely possible. This is still a very winnable game."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it is a very winnable game.

Seattle Sounders Announce Partnership With Bernie Sanders

Seattle, WA - The Seattle Sounders have announced a partnership with presidential candidate Bernie Sanders ahead of the politicians visit to Safeco Field, today.

"Who knew that donating to political candidates would be their Berning passion. Perhaps the Seattle Sanders should go to Fuel to talk about this." -- Ok, no more puns, Beatrice. 

The Sounders stated that they have started their "Feel the BERN" sponsorship with a tie in to their goalpost flame cannons. Every time the Sounders score a goal and fire up the flame cannons, they will donate $10,000 to Mr. Sanders campaign. 

"We acknowledge that we are a progressive club with a progressive identity," stated Seattle Sounders public relations officer Lauren Pettygrove. "We plan on donating a lot of money and watching a lot of goals go in as we move towards a new tomorrow."

Reportedly, the Sounders felt very comfortable with this new alliance due to the fact that both Mr Sanders and the Sounders are expected to do well, win a few battles, and attract a few million people over the next six months until they ultimately collapse in November after a futile campaign.

Chick-Fil-A To Hand Out Free Scarves For April 10th LA Galaxy Game

LOS ANGELES - Fast Food empire Chick-Fil-A has announced that they will be giving out free scarves for the first 2000 entrants of the L.A. Galaxy game against the Portland Timbers on the 10th of April

"Unless that is a euphemism about anything else, in which case you should stop immediately."

The double sided scarves will read, "ADAM AND EVE NOT ADAM AND STEVE" on one side and, "EAT MOR CHIKIN" on the other.

The Nutmeg News spoke with Chick-Fil-A corporate public relations about the promotion and they had the following to say.

"It is important to us as a brand to ensure that our religious values are followed by all our stores," stated brand manager Harvey Stevens.

 "This is why all of our franchises close on Sunday, as that is the Lord's day and we advocate that our employees should attend church. We feel that soccer is our best way at putting forth our delicious chicken sandwiches, waffle fries, pickles and our viewpoint that Gay marriage is antithetical to the ideals of a God fearing Christian republic. As our owner Dan Cathy stated in 2014, 'I think the time of truths and principles are captured and codified in God’s word and I’m just personally committed to that.' So what we are interested in doing here is showing that God's word is about making sure people know that they are sinners, but that they should eat our delicious chicken sandwiches even if they are going to hell for their sin. Plus, if it makes you feel better, all the stores are franchises, so just convince yourself that you don't need to stick to your beliefs about equality because the money doesn't directly flow to our corporate office. Whatever works, just eat more chicken sandwiches and stop asking us about this. Chick-Fil-A has decided to be mostly completely neutral, at least publicly, on this thing now that people got mad about us not being neutral at all."

The Nutmeg News will have more on these as the limited number of scarves creates a buying frenzy on E-Bay.

The Annual Flight Of The National Team Members Begins As NWSL Pre-Season Kicks Into Full Swing

NWSL Fans were, reportedly, elated by the departure of their club team's national team members as the annual sign of the National Women's Soccer League pre-season displayed itself with vibrant plumage.

At least we get paid for this job.

"I knew it was time for the NWSL pre-season when I saw the United States and Canada soccer federations calling in all these players," stated Anna Siverson of Portland, OR. "Just like the flowers blooming, or people starting to switch to shorts, the annual call up of the important members of NWSL teams away from their teams is the sign that it is almost time for first kick."

As the international players return from their current hobby of playing for a club to their paying jobs with their international squads, fans begin to prepare friends, family and loved ones to know that likely the pre-season game that they talked them into going to will not feature the player that they wanted to see in the first place.

"Carli Lloyd will likely not be there," stated Jennifer Brayback of Houston, TX to her new girlfriend Janice Henderson. "I'm just warning you in advance, before we go, that she may not be there," stated Ms Brayback as Ms Henderson forlornly gazed at the Lloyd USWNT kit that she purchased just last month.

"Hey man, Um.... I just found out.. but ... um.... BAE (Alex Morgan) has to go play for the national team," stated Dan Thomas of Orlando, FL to his friend Brad. "So um... I still want to go, but you should probably not bring the sign asking her to prom."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the pre-season kicks off to full swing by the annual meeting of the US Soccer Federation to figure out how many cash-grab games they can squeeze out of the national team members before they collapse of exhaustion.  

One Day Left As Fans Of USL Teams Prepare Themselves For The Start Of The Season And Bad Streams

The wait for United Soccer League fans is almost over as they finish their preparation for the start of the season, the excitement of first kick and the beginning of road fans watching their team playing at horrible facilities with, poor streams, and terrible commentators.

"I'm already preparing for a stream to just cut out and not show my teams goal," stated Valeri Dubois of Montreal. "This is why I watch all my games while simultaneously checking Twitter. I'm always afraid that the stream is going to crash or go to dark, and it will likely happen while I'm watching an onrushing player for my team running at goal."

While the variation of announcers, streams and facilities are dramatically different between some teams, bantz professionals like George Carroll of Sacramento are preparing to take these differences and add them to their smack talk for the start of the season.

"I've already got many of my insults worked out," stated Mr Carroll to the Nutmeg News on Thursday. "I'm going to talk about the shit infrastructure, the shit announcers, and I'm planning on comparing a lot of things to Bonney field and the infrastructure that we have here with Sacramento Republic. All you have to do is look around and figure out that what everyone else has is shit and then it becomes easy. FC Montreal? Shit. FC Cincinnati? Shit. Trust me when I tell you that everyone but Republic is shit and I'm planning on letting everyone know this online and in chat forums, at all times."

THIS.... is a seriously gorgeous facility.

The Nutmeg News also spoke with Bethlehem Steel fan Kermit Norwood who had the following to say, "I'm excited to see the 99th season of Steel Football kick off here at Goodman Stadium. Our team has the most pedigree and the longest continual usage of a name. We are multiple time champion and I can't wait to win the US Open Cup this season to show everyone what Steel Football is really like. We are going to put Bethlehem back on the map."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the excitement builds to first kick on Friday.

Man Listens To 7 Hours Of Soccer Podcasts Before Giving Opinion

Boston, MA - Soccer fan, Manchester United Fan, and New England Revolution fan Nate Scarborough again refused to give his opinion on any matter regarding soccer until after he finished consuming his daily ritual of listening to 7 hours of soccer podcasts.

"So Fellaini IS a problem, but it is more to do with van Gaal's tactics! Got it!

"Do I know what happened with Fellaini recently? No. But let me listen to Men In Blazers for 70 minutes, first, and THEN I'll give you a good recap of what I think," stated Mr Scarborough to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday.

"I have a rigorous routine that I follow before I give my opinion on any of the soccer related issues that happened over the past week's action. I listen to 7 hours of soccer podcasts starting with Men In Blazers followed by Soccer Morning, The Soccer By Ives podcast, American Soccer Analysis, World Soccer Talk, Extratime Radio, The Best Soccer Show, The Midnight Ride, Red Wednesday, and Red Mancunian. At that point, then, I can feel as though I am educated enough to be able to give an opinion on something like whether Fellaini uses his elbows too much or whether Fagundez is the second coming of Jesus."

While Mr Scarborough's routine may seem rigorous, he claims that it gives him the edge that he needs in order to always seem right in front of complete strangers.

"I found that if I spend my entire day listening to podcasts, I can sound more educated about the game even if the thoughts, words, and ideas that I frequently utilize in conversation aren't mine. Granted it is a thoroughly exhausting premise that is almost guaranteed to fail some weeks, but on the days where I can't listen to 7 hours of soccer podcasts I just won't talk about the game."

Mr Scarborough said that his rigorous routine has required that he stay at work longer in order to listen to all of the knowledge that is spoon fed to him through the airwaves as he states, "I've also taken up speed walking while listening to podcasts with noise cancelling headphones. It's the only way that a passionate GFOP can really get in these 70 to 90 minute podcasts so that I stay relevant. Otherwise I just don't know what the current funny story should be that I carefully lift for my own amusment while tenderly checking to see if my friends have heard this story somewhere before."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Scarborough starts to tell a story to himself that he heard online about tactics to see if it sounds authentic enough to have come from him.

Rec League Roundup: Yes, I Am Still Fit Enough To Be A Referee

Rec League Roundup publishes anonymous letters written by players and referees in local recreational soccer leagues.

Yes, I am still fit enough to be a referee in your league. Seriously. Don't believe me? Let's have a push up contest. I'll put this goddamn cigarette out in your EYE! Everyone on your team is on warning. 

Despite my inability to run for longer than 2 minutes, my declining overall health that comes from having smoked two packs a day for the past 20 years, my fading eyesight and my lack of understanding regarding the laws of the game, I plan on maintaining my stranglehold on the exalted position of being the center referee that decides your teams position in the league this season.

Now, granted, the last time I took a look at the laws of the game was 1991 and I don't really have an understanding of any of the new interpretations, but that shouldn't matter. You can't rely on television and pundits to tell you what the laws of the game should be. I AM THE LAW.

And given that I can't really keep up with the pace of play, literally any ball that is punted up to a forward is going to be called offside. Deep kick? Offside. Goal? Offside. That is, until I need to go home and grab a beer. Then it is game on and I'm planning on calling absolutely nothing. I might even send someone off and not explain it. You better believe that I'm going to tell your most volatile player that keeps running his mouth to shut up. He's going to get suspended for chest bumping me and point his finger in my face and you are going to have to write a letter of apology to get him reinstated.

Want to get mouthy with me? You little punk. RED CARD.

Don't even THINK about playing an offside trap. If you do that, I'm calling everything onside and there isn't a single assistant referee that is going to overrule me because they all heard that story about me losing my shit on that little punk Daniel Webster back in 2012.

So lets get this game going, I've got darts with the boys in an hour.

Fan Still Mispronouncing Cyle Larin's Name

Orlando, FL - Orlando City fan Dominic Green reportedly still cannot pronounce Cyle Larin's name correctly.

"It's like Kyle with a K, but it is with a C! CMON!"

"I can't help myself," stated Mr Green to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday. "It's Sigh-el SIGH EL SIGH EL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA," he screamed before running down the hall of his apartment complex batting the sides of his head.

Mr Green found out that he was still doing this when he mispronounced Cyle's name at the tailgate before the March 11th home game against the Chicago Fire.

"You mean Cyle?" stated Mr Green's friend Jeremy before he and 4 other friends relentlessly teased him for the rest of the game.

"Every time I read his name in print it resets all the understanding of the correct way to pronounce it in my head," screamed Mr Green into a cellphone that was clearly off. "I'll learn! I'll learn! The problem is in my head! It's my head that's the problem! I'm not the problem, it's all up here! I'm going to stop reading things! IT's KYLE ! ITS KYLE ! ITS KYYYYYYYYYYLEEEEEEEEEEEEE."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this story when our request to visit Mr Green at La Amistad Behavorial Health Services is granted.

Man Submits Long Form Soccer Opus And Awaits Awards

Biloxi, MS - Soccer afficianado and budding writer H. B. Melton submitted a 11,100 word long form soccer opus to blogs throughout North America as he, now, awaits awards for his insight and prowess.

An excerpt from Mr Melton's masterpiece.

The words in Mr Melton's essay actually contain no logical pattern or discernible information, but are reportedly considered (by the author) to be some of the most important words on Soccer that have been written.

"This is my masterpiece. This is the pinnacle of long form in all its glory. It is 11,100 separate words that speak to the state of soccer and the state of football as the same thing and yet separate in holy religious communion," stated Mr Melton to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. 

"When you partake of my masterpiece you consume my soul. And in so doing, you see through the 11,100 words what you didn't before and that is what will change the world. Brevity is the soul of wit was wrong. The soul of wit is a repeated hammering home of the same item over and over again until the reader is drubbed to a nonsensical intellectual pulp. It is then that we can extract the pulp, reform the brain and bring them to our world. In that world, all columns are, at the very least, 3100 words. Viva the long form revolution!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Melton prepares his Pulitzer Prize acceptance speech.

Popularity Of Hummel Hijab Kit Leads Nike To Develop Sexy Hijab Options

Beaverton, OR - Global kit producer Nike has announced that the popularity of the Hummel Hijab kit for Afghanistan's national soccer team lead them to develop a line of sexy hijab options for people in the United States that are looking for a new kit.

The deep V neck hijab allows you to be current while still being religious.

The Nutmeg News spoke with director of branding and public relations Howard Carnegie about their new line of kit.

"We learned from our competitors that there was a market for a kit that could allow players to be respectful of their religious beliefs ideals of modesty and still play. What we decided was that we could tweak this new option to allow you to be sexy, religious and still play or cheer from the sidelines, or just go to Whole Foods to pick up some almond butter."

"That's nice, but we could make it SEXY!"

Mr. Carnegie continued, "We used our current options of the US Women's kit that we are selling as replicas as a template to save costs. Since we designed the non-authentic version to show some of 'dem titties' this allowed us to really sex up that hijab for our customers that don't know better."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Nike releases a transparent top kit for teams that need to play in the wet t-shirt soccer finals.

Man Shows His Disgust Of MLS By Watching Games All Day Saturday And Live Tweeting His Rage

Miami, FL - David Marrow spent most of his day on Saturday watching Major League Soccer in order to live tweet his disgust with Major League Soccer.

The world must KNOW!

"That pass shows why the international cabal of business owners have failed at creating a proper league," stated Morrow on his twitter account @REALSoccerKnowledge. "If we had an open system, players like Brad Davis and Michael Bradley wouldn't even be on the field," he typed with singular ferocity as he struck back at the establishment one tweet at a time.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr Marrow's wife, Barbara, about the situation and she was shocked to find out that he spent his entire Saturday watching something he hated.

"I thought he spent his entire day watching the game that he loved," stated Barbara Marrow to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. "That's why I planned some activities of my own with my friends that day! Why on earth would any sane person actually spend an entire day watching games of a league that they hate filled with player they despise and ownership groups they loathe? Who lives this way?"

The Nutmeg News can confirm that Mr Morrow sent approximately 65 tweets between the 15th minute and the 45th minute of the Houston Dynamo and New York Red Bull game covering an entire span of topics which included but were not exclusive to the following: poor training, poor players, his hate of closed systems, people who call people Eurosnobs, people who only watch MLS, people who think Sacha Kljestan is a good player, people who use the word World Class, people who think Freddy Adu was any good, people who still support Red Bull New York after the re-brand, youth soccer, youth soccer referees, pay to play, US Soccer, Expansion Fees in Major League Soccer, Tactics, positional play by terrible US fullbacks, Jurgen Klinsmann, and the attempt by Sunil Gulati to bug his phones.

"It is important that people know that what I know is right," stated Mr Marrow to The Nutmeg News on Monday evening. "I'm going to hate watch Major League Soccer in order to pick it apart and then I'm going to tell it like it is."

The Nutmeg News asked Mr Marrow if this wasn't really just a colossal waste of his time and he stated the following, "Probably, but I love soccer to much to not watch it and complain about about the league relentlessly to the thousands of people that follow me in order to hear me complain about the soccer that I hate but that I still watch."