Portland Thorns And Timbers Promise To Hire Someone To Take Accountability For Any Future Scandals

Portland, OR - The Portland Thorns and Timbers front office announced, today, that they would hire someone to take accountability for any future scandals as the team announced a new “Fall Person” post.

Not him, though.

“Our new Fall Person will be a non-gender-specific community focused person who will be held accountable for any future missteps by our organization,” stated the press release. “We hear and respect our fans and we promise that for any future scandals, other than the ones we just went through, SOMEONE not affiliated with the ownership group, executives or current management of the team will be held accountable.”

According to insiders, the Fall Person will be subject to being immediately removed from their position with great public fanfare should any scandals make it to the press which requires the team to need to appear to take responsibility.

“Basically this is always going to be a temporary position,” stated one front office insider. “The person that they hire will ultimately be to blame if the ownership of the team hires another sexual predator or employs someone involved in domestic violence, again.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this the front office offer the person in this position 33,500 per year, provided that they make themselves always available for any additional tasks required of them on all weekends and weeknights.

Stoner Not Concerned Which Pot Canada Is Into

Surrey, BC - Stoner and soccer fan Phillipa Gauthier stated that she really wasn’t concerned which pot Canada was into as she indicated, “oh man, you know… it’s all good.”

Nobody messes with Canadian Geese.

Defying the immediate concern of many of her counterparts involved in Canadian Men’s Soccer on Twitter, Gauthier stated that everything was, “totally great,” because as she indicated, “like, we qualified… you know… it’s like been a while since that was like the thing that we… um… oh shit… I totally spaced. What are we talking about? You want Timmy’s?”

Indicated a preference for a hybrid Indica, Gauthier waxed rhapsodic about the benefits of a nice Sativa pot before she pivoted to whether pot 4 had the easiest teams to beat.

“If we come out of this playing Iran, then I think that’s a sign for a little tincture with a heavy dose of CBD. If we end up playing Argentina, then I suggest high THC and just go for that gaucho ride.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when we finish talking about whether our fingers are gonna fing or not.

USMNT Fan Devastated As Team Makes World Cup

Fairfax, VA - Muttering, “Now nothing will EVER change,” USMNT fan Tommy Andrews was reportedly devastated after the United States qualified for the World Cup.

“I’m just done, DONE,” stated Andrews to his Twitter account @reformUSSFUSMNT. “I’ve been waging this campaign to bring around the structural changes that will be necessary for the USMNT to compete on a global level and their success has shown that the team, the sport and this federation will never succeed.”

Sources indicate that Andrews has long been complaining about the structure of the US Soccer Federation, the youth men’s team, Major League Soccer’s influence on the national team and the senior men’s playing style as he turned criticism of organizational and playing structures into his entire persona for the last 7 years.

“I truly thought that missing the World Cup would create the possibility of bringing around some kind of change,” stated Andrews. “I truly thought that the devastation we felt would spur our federation to do something different, but here we are in the next World Cup and it is just infuriating.”

Between routinely roasting the lineup choices, coming up with mocking nicknames for Gregg Berhalter and finding unknown United States prospects playing in the second division of Slovenia that are clearly better than an MLS player on the roster, Andrews indicated that all his attempts to improve the federation by speaking out to his 452 followers has failed.

“I’m just moving on. Soccer will never make it here,” stated Andrews.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Andrews pivots from his USMNT hot takes to his podcast about affordable crypto currency.

MLS Podcast Uses Less Time To Explain NFT Than GAM/TAM

Charlotte, NC - Spending roughly 2 minutes stating, “It’s a marker or token that is attached to digital art/media you that shows proof of ownership of that art. That token is backed up by the blockchain, a secure function that tracks and verifies ownership, which creates an entire environment that some people find exceedingly dumb and some people love,” Charlotte FC podcast North Carolina Offside moved on to part 23 of how GAM/TAM and invisible money options create an entire hidden and not reviewed economy within the economy of Major League Soccer.

“We aren’t talking DPs or young DPs and whether or not teams are paying off the salary of players using unique options or additional compensation outside their own contract which may not be subject to the actual salary rules, or even whether the rules are actually being followed at all,” stated host Oscar Jimenez. “What we are talking about is really the entire substructure of accounting options that form the underpinning of successful team management within the entire league that is completely and utterly invisible. Oh yeah, and a tracking system for online art.”

Calling episode 34 the “NFT and TAM/GAM” episode, Jimenez was able to quickly move on from the controversial pairing with the league and touch on it a few times in a reflection of the opaque salary constraints that are faced by fans and teams.

“Really an NFT solution for salaries within the league would be amazing,” stated Jimenez. “Instead what we are left with is the accidental reporting of a salary number by someone in the know once every once and a while and the players union list that is repeatedly stated as being factually inaccurate.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Jimenez returns to part 24 of the TAM/GAM/DP explainer as he tries to rough in exactly what TAM/GAM/DP is best utilized for on a team as it relates to green cards and international slots.

USMNT Fan Admits He Only Watched First 5 Minutes Of Game Spending Rest Of World Cup Qualifier On His Phone Arguing About First Five Minutes In Various Facebook Groups, Discord, Reddit, And Twitter

BOSTON - USMNT fan David Thompson admitted that he only watched the first five minutes of the US World Cup Qualifier against Mexico as he spent most of the rest of the world cup qualifier on his phone arguing about a specific play in various Facebook groups, Discord, Reddit and Twitter.

“I’m debating whether it’s worth me going back to actually watch the game,” stated Thompson.

According to sources, Thompson took to his phone after the 5th minute to argue a specific point that he wanted to make to anonymous people on the internet and didn’t look up until the 90th minute when his phone died.

“I just truly believe that if you look at the characteristic of the game that it all changed at the start of the game and that everyone should know that I noticed that,” stated Thompson.

Sources indicate that Thompson posted multiple times per minute after the fifth minute and this all culminated when he screenshot someone on Twitter calling him an idiot and posted that to his discord chat for USMNT, whereupon he entered into a heated argument with someone there about whether he was an idiot and then posted that thread to his friends What’sApp private group.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thompson claims that you don’t need to watch the game when they are draws

Overconfident US Fan Lets Honduran Roofers Know They Are, "Gonna Lose Tonight"

Dallas, TX - Taking his trash out to the corner, overconfident US Soccer fan Travis Anderson yelled, “you’re gonna lose tonight,” to some bewildered American roofers originally from Honduras who were walking shingles up a ladder to the roof of his neighbor’s house.

“We don’t know if he took us as being Mexican or if he actually thinks we are going to lose to Panama,” stated Santos Mejia, foreman. “Honestly, there was a tiny part of me that was impressed that he knew we had a game tonight even as I realized what he was actually doing.”

For his part, Anderson stated, “um, who…. what….. go away,” at his front door to our reporter before posting on his Twitter account @freedominate23745 about Woke Media ambushes.

“I know for a fact that there’s at least 3 Mexicans on his crew,” stated Anderson online. “Because I heard them speaking Spanish.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson dons his Lalas customized Denim kit throwback he bought on Etsy and heads down to the AO watch party.

NWSL Schedule Located On Container Ship Stuck In Suez Canal

CAIRO - Reporters from The Nutmeg News global division were finally able to locate the long lost 2022 National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) schedule as, apparently, the much delayed schedule is actually on a container ship bound for the United States that is stuck in Suez Canal.

“We are desperately reaching out to anyone that can help,” stated one NWSL spokesperson. “We ordered the schedule months ago and it just hasn’t arrived.”

Those in the know stated that the NWSL has enlisted the help of local body shops on the east coast to also attempt to order an NWSL schedule as they have been navigating parts shortages and supply chain issues for years now.

“We placed an order for an NWSL schedule from Ali Baba,” stated Larry Hogan of Fulton’s Body Shop. “Yeah, just trying to help the outfit down the street. We place an order for an NWSL schedule and they place an order for the hood and bumper sensors to a Toyota Camry. It’s a win/win for us and them. Hopefully one of us will get an NWSL schedule in soon.”

For its part, the ship remains stuck in the Suez Canal due to security concerns with the current Russian invasion of Ukraine . However, NWSL sources indicated they thought it could show up any day.

“We will give you a call when it gets here,” stated one NWSL source. “It’s going to be here any day. ANY DAY.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NWSL avoids answering any more calls about when the schedule arrives.

San Diego Loyal Announce Insurrection Discount

San Diego, CA - United Soccer League (USL) team San Diego Loyal announced a $17.76 insurrection discount on any new season tickets purchased after they signed Andrew Carleton, part time soccer player and part time insurrectionist that stormed the capital.

Let’s commit an insurrection!

“We welcome everyone from our community,” stated the Loyal. “From those in the LGBTQ+ community to those that think that John F Kennedy Sr is alive and dictating foreign policy using his not-so-deceased son John F Kennedy Jr via a shadow cabal government (although not THAT shadow government ifyouknowhatwemean) who exists to expose child trafficking done at democratic pizza places and places Donald Trump as a Jesus Christ reborn figure head to bring about the bloody revolution which will sweep communists and anti-fascists from the land in a race riot.”

Sources indicate that Carleton was contrite about his former actions as he stated, “I’ve done some things I wasn’t proud of in my youth 12 months ago. I’ve had time to learn and time to earn and time to live, laugh, love and time to stay out of the spotlight so that a team in the United States will give me a chance again because hopefully enough people forgot about all this.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Carleton considers whether he should show his video from the capital or not to a black teammate in the locker room in order to convince him that Q is real.

Frustrated Baseball Fans Turn To Local Soccer Teams Like Manchester City

INTERNET - After it was announced that Major League Baseball owners were going to cancel the opening games of the year, frustrated Baseball fans across the United States and Canada stated their intention to turn to local soccer teams like Manchester City.

“I’m a Dodgers fan first and foremost,” stated Dale Williams of Burbank. “And if the owners are gonna do this, then I’m going to look into Manchester City or Liverpool or… you know… maybe something local like Chelsea…. I don’t know. I just need sports.”

Sources indicate that the lack of Baseball options made many sports fans get motivated to find their own team as they turned to a number of internet resources.

“I made a flow chart for SB Nation that indicates which European team you should root for based upon your current Baseball team,” stated one anonymous writer. “I didn’t get paid for it, really, but I think it’ll help a number of people and really drive traffic to the SB Nation website.”

Fan clubs across the United States and Canada were reportedly excited to receive the new members as they indicated there was a major increase in interest.

“We have already received a number of inquiries,” stated the official Liverpool supporters club in New York City. “There’s more than a few baseball fans ready to come out for some local games.”

It isn’t all roses, however, as the official supporters club of Burnley for the United States reported no additional interest.

“We actually had a few more people ask if they could transfer their membership over to a Chelsea supporters club,” stated the Burnley US representative David Taft, originally of Burnley.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Baseball fans make the discovery of Promotion and Relegation and ask why it isn’t in place locally.