NWSL Confident That Likely Very Few, If Any, Players Will Die If They Start 2020 Season Soon

CHICAGO - A spokesperson with the National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) announced today that they were confident that very few, if any, players would die if they started the 2020 season soon.

“We are calling back the players to practice,” stated Amber Williams of the league front office. “They are all young, so likely they aren’t going to die if they get sick. And if they get sick, they just have to stay at home, isolate from everyone they know and hope they survive. Likely they will be fine.”

Fans are reportedly excited at the return of the league as many are hoping for a return to some level of normalcy.

“I always say you gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet,” stated Jasper Hughes of Orlando. “These women are all young. What’s the worst case scenario? We return to practice, start the league, have a few closed door games, have someone get sick and then die? Probably worth the effort then. We can’t keep the economy down like this. The league won’t survive if they don’t play games, so I ask the professional women soccer players of the nation to take one for the team, so to speak.”

With the NWSL calling players back in May, the league privately is hoping that everything is gonna be fine by then as they pin their hopes on 22 women exerting themselves on a field without having any kind of issues.

“It’s fine,” stated one anonymous NWSL employee. “What do we need for a game? 22 players? 4 referees? a bunch of camera operators? An editing truck? The coaching staff? We will just tell the players not to celebrate together.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NWSL plows ahead hoping for a vaccine.

"Other Than My Millions Of Dollars, Connections, Notoriety, Influence, And Access I'm Exactly Like You... The Common Fan," States Soccer Team Owner

Topeka, KS - Topeka Fury owner Harry Wilson wanted to assure fans that, “other than my millions of dollars, connections, notoriety, influence and access I’m exactly like the common fan,” as he lobbied for sports to start back up again soon.

“I’m just one of you,” stated Wilson from his palatial mansion. “I open the doors of my Tesla just like you do. I play Animal Crossing just like you do. I chat with Elon Musk on Twitter like you do and I buzz door dash into my gated community to eat Tikka Masala just like you do. We are all suffering from the same stress.”

Wilson has recently taken to Twitter to voice his theory that the response by local government to the COVID-19 pandemic is now worse than the actual virus itself as he touted the, “actual low infection rate,” and the, “dwindling economy.”

According to insider sources, Wilson was initially supportive of the measures until he noticed how much money he was losing and came to the realization that no one that he knew personally was sick.

“How can it be a nationwide pandemic if everyone isn’t sick or dead,” stated Wilson. “Mortality rates are already very low (and probably lower than we think if we ever get true data on actual infections) It’s all about perception and fear. No one around me is sick, and I think that means this whole thing is overblown. So what if there are 61,000 people dead, no actual vaccine, and no actual medical data yet on immunity. What’s important is that we get back to full contact sports with paying spectators and not give into the fear.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Wilson complains about the boredom and disaster of the virus from his private men’s room in the basement pub he created to replicate a Bavarian drinking hall.

"It's GAMEDAY," States Fan Opening Beer At 9:00 AM To Watch YouTube Stream Of USOC Game from 1999

NEW YORK - Stating, “It’s gameday,” soccer fan Yasmine Hernandez cracked a beer at 9:00 am this morning as she prepared to watch an archived YouTube stream of the 1999 US Open Cup game between the Rochester Rhinos and Colorado Rapids.

Between my fan and my zoom background it really looks like I’m back outdoors!

Detailing her plan to get day drunk, fall asleep, and then wake up and then fall back asleep again, Hernandez enthusiastically cheered on the grainy Zapruder-esque footage from her quarantine bunker.

“I don’t have a clue what day it is anymore and where the hell are the Pizza Rolls and… oh…oh my…... JAGERSHOTS!” stated Hernandez with her head inside the apartment freezer.

With all the days of the week blending together into a miasma of depression, elation, boredom and drunk browsing of Instagram, Hernandez stated that she needs something to keep it all together.

“Gameday! It’s gameday! That means I’m having a different day from yesterday which was games day that I spent trying to play Dark Souls. Today it’s all about drinking this beer and watching this game and hopefully not waking up with a hangover at 2:00 pm.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hernandez realizes she doesn’t have anything in her house to help with a hangover.

MLS Announces League Will Restart Possibly June 5th, Or 6th, Or The 12th, Or The 14th, Or Maybe The 21st, Or Possibly July 24th, Or Maybe August 3rd

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS), today, announced that the league will restart possibly June 5th, or 6th, or the 12th, or the 14th, or maybe the 21st, or possibly July 24th, or maybe August 3rd.

“We want to announce that we are definitely opening soon. Please continue to pay for the upcoming games that are starting very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very soon,” stated league director of scheduling Harry Barnes.

“Again, I would like to stress that we want to announce that we are definitely opening again as soon as we can. Look, it’s possible that the league has already started and you just don’t know it yet. Likely it is YOU, the fake news media, that are wrong about MLS not playing games.”

According to insider sources, the league is desperate to continue pushing out the time in which they will cancel the season and reformat the competition temporarily into a Totino’s Pizza Roll eating contest.

“They see this as an opportunity to pivot. Competitive eating is the future,” stated one anonymous insider.

For their part, though, Major League Soccer remains steadfast as Barnes indicated, “We are starting again very soon. Please continue scheduling your payments.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS insists the 2020 season will happen in January of 2021.

Dell Loy Hansen Admits He Is Concerned About The Emotional Well-Being Of Rare Dime After Purported Online Abuse

Salt Lake City, UT - After a spate of town halls, news reports, and strongly worded tweets criticized the Billionaire owner for furloughing part of the staff of Real Salt Lake during a global pandemic while also spending millions of dollars on old coins, Dell Loy Hansen admitted that he is concerned about the emotional well-being of the rare 1.3 million dollar dime.

“The fake news media and online bullies have gone too far,” stated Hansen to our reporter from the woolly mammoth bone entryway of his elephant ivory fortress of solitude high up in the Wasatch Mountains. “They can criticize me all they want and all they will show is their ignorance. However, to criticize this dime? This dime that has done nothing to them? This is an outrage.”

Hansen stated that he is tired of the fake news media and their outrageous attack on a simple dime that he bathes in fresh milk and baby tears every night.

“The attacks must stop. The fake reporters writing their fake news must stop. We, as a country, must come together and support rare coin collectors. Rare Coin Collectors Lives Matter and Dime Lives Matter, as well. SOLIDARITY! It’s important to recognize that when you tear down the life of a man who pays 1.3 million dollars for a dime that you not only affect him, but all the other money that he wants to collect. These kinds of things have a ripple affect. Trying to stop me from collecting means that my interns wont watch me collect and means that my fellow billionaires wont watch me collect.”

In order to help support the rare dime during this time, Hansen announced a new support fund for the emotional and physical well being of his rare dime.

“I will contribute 2 million dollars to the Dime Lives Matter support group,” stated Hansen. “And Real Salt Lake will match those 2 million dollars to support Dime research into a universal basic income for Dime collectors and healthcare for serious issues like patina loss.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hansen creates a new American flag for sale for billionaires to show their solidarity for rare dime collectors.

Soccer Fan Starts Online Campaign To Remove Himself From Managing His Football Manager Save

Fort Lauderdale, FL - Soccer fan Philip Russum stated that he was fully and completely #RussumOUT as he began an online campaign to remove himself from managing his own Football Manager save.

“The results have been horrendous,” stated Russum about himself. “And I can no longer stomach the loses and the unending ineptitude. Russum must go and the board must appoint someone new who has the ability to acquire good players and put them in a position to succeed.”

Russum has been the coach and general manager of his Football Manager save for the past 5 weeks as he originally loaded up the sim to pass the time during quarantine. However, the connection between the fans and the management broke down during the 12 game losing streak of week 3.

“The fans must understand that we are building something here.” stated Russum to himself. “And we are not always going to see measured success immediately. This isn’t just something where you can buy the best players, we must be smart and take calculated risks. I accept that I am in a position where I will complain about the tenure of myself. That comes with the job, but the attacks in the stands and online towards my character and myself are too far.”

For his part, Russum stated that this statement was unacceptable and a sign of the lack of ambition that Russum has had since he took over the team five weeks ago.

“We aren’t in week 1 when the team was fresh and the anticipation was palpable,” stated Russum as he protested himself out in front of his computer. “This is week 5 and in week 5 we should see results. It’s not just results though, but as well …. there needs to be some kind of community investment and strengthening of ties between the front office and the fans. These baseless rumors of fans attacking Russum online are pure fabrication. If anything has been said it has been true and as a public figure I should know that I will come into criticism from myself.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Russum takes extreme measures as he confronts himself in front of his home leading to widespread condemnation of himself by himself and a severe crackdown on himself in the stands.

"It's Major League FOOTBALL, My Dudes."

The Nutmeg News accepts letters to the editor, and will publish them when deemed appropriate. You may send correspondence, rebuttals or opinions to mail@thenutmegnews.com

The information within does not necessarily reflect the viewpoint of The Nutmeg News or its affiliates.

“It’s Major League FOOTBALL, my dudes. Do they use their hands? Nope. BOOM. ROASTED. CHECKMATE”

Namaste!

Nick.

Real Salt Lake Fan Announces Furlough Of Season Ticket Payments

Salt Lake City, UT - Real Salt Lake fan Carl Johnson announced, today, that he would be furloughing his season ticket payments after the team announced they would be furloughing staff within the organization.

“Today I will be furloughing my season ticket payments,” stated Johnson to his Twitter account. “I do this with a large amount of sadness, but after this global pandemic is over I plan on bringing them back at the same level as before.”

Asked for response, the Season Tickets stated that they were saddened by the loss of income during this trying time.

For their part, the club stated that they would vigorously oppose any and all that would deny them their rightful monies as they demanded Johnson appear before a tribunal headed by the lead asshole in charge, Dell Loy Hansen.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Johnson remains the only person to do this.

HEARTWARMING: This Billionaire Told His Employees To Go Fuck Themselves During A Global Pandemic So He Can Chase His Adult Passion Of Vintage Coins!

As ghoulish stories come in of overworked medical professionals working arduous shifts in dangerous conditions around the world watching patients suffer with, sometimes, an incurable disease, The Nutmeg News trains its spotlight on heartwarming stories around the globe.

Meet Dell Loy Hansen. This billionaire decided to tell his employees to go fuck themselves by furloughing employees and slashing their pay during a global pandemic so he could chase his adult dream of collecting vintage coins.

“I realized that if I saved an additional half million by not paying staff that I could get closer to by dream of eclipsing Louis E. Eliasberg’s coin collection,” stated Hansen to The Nutmeg News. “I personally went out of my way to tell all the families that depend upon their paycheck for the teams that I own that their lives are really meaningless next to my desire to become the all-time greatest collector of vintage U.S. coins.”

Hansen reportedly slashed salaries for employees of all the soccer teams he owns in a bold move that shows that any of us can really chase our dreams if we don’t give a shit about the people we trample to get there. It’s the American dream.

“How could I live my life knowing that I passed up a great opportunity to acquire a 1933 Saint-Gaudens $20 gold coin if I just furloughed a few people who make $60,000 a year. What kind of example would I set for other billionaires if I thought about my employees at this time.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hansen acts like a great benefactor by offering a furlough option.

Billionaire Dell Loy Hansen Demands Real Salt Lake Fans Deliver Monthly Season Ticket Payments In Cash To One Of His Mansions

Salt Lake City, UT - Billionaire Dell Loy Hansen demanded that Real Salt Lake fans deliver their monthly season ticket payments to one of his mansions in an email sent to everyone participating in the payment plan.

Look at this dickhead.

“We will charge interest at the rate of 18% per annum on any unpaid account and you will pay the collection costs and attorney fees incurred by Real Salt Lake in collecting any delinquent account,” stated the email to fans.

According to the leaked excerpts of the document, Hansen demanded that fans provide the payment in cash by hand or he would be forced to seize a valuable asset of the season ticket holder.

“As is illustrated in clause 2 paragraph 3, Real Salt Lake is allowed to take a valuable asset if you displease me. The asset will your firstborn child, your house, or your income for the next 10 years.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hansen claims Prima Nocta for all new Real Salt Lake marriages.

Brave FIFA 20 Player Enters Online Game With Actual MLS Team Gameday Roster

Lansing, MI - Brave FIFA 20 player Jake “0k0k0k0k” Anderson reportedly entered an online game of FIFA playing as a Major League Soccer team with the teams actual gameday roster.

Anderson reportedly selected the New York Red Bulls without any modifications as he attempted to play against an anonymous international player.

“I respect his decision,” stated analyst Todd Allen. “Most people add ICON players and their own team creation to balance the game somewhat. They aren’t really playing as an MLS team when you have Carlos Puyol, Didier Drogba, and Zinedin Zidane on the same team."

Anderson reportedly entered the game with high expectations before being crushed by the FIFA mechanics and skill of the player that he was trying to play against. However, he was lauded for the attempt by other players online.

“Someone who actually played with the actual squad? Full props,” stated Tina “R3dSt0rm” Middleton.

“What is he, nuts?” stated Phillip “BLAZING420T0PNUTS” Franklin.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as players in eMLS continue to play with Ruud Gullit and Luis Figo in their lineup.

Power Mad Dictator Fails To Issue Universal Stay At Home Order

Reports are coming in from quarantined households around the United States that power mad dictator Thomas Nook again rebuffed a universal stay at home order for his governance.

“Nook is a menace,” stated one denizen who refused to give her name. “My life is now forever consumed with the inexhaustible missions he proposes. There are nothing but hours upon hours to service his debt. The gig economy is broken and I cannot any longer support his version of supply side economics. I cannot afford basic PPE. I’m perpetually working towards a house expansion with little set over for myself in a perpetual hellscape where human life is secondary to economic concerns, but I do have to say that his tone has been markedly better as of late.”

“Production or supply is the key to economic prosperity,” stated the head of the Rescue Service, a Mr. Resetti. “We simply cannot afford to shut down production at this time. Tom Nook isn’t the problem, the LIBERAL MEDIA is the problem. Would you stop the fishing industry just because 10,000 people died over a month? Those people sacrificed themselves so we could have a bumper Coelacanth season.“

Our reporters spoke to Nook and asked him whether he was worried about a pandemic, but he claimed that it was just wildly overblown.

“No. Not at all. And we have it totally under control. It’s one person coming in from XBOX, and we have it under control. It’s going to be just fine. We have very little problem in this country at this moment — five. And those people are all recuperating successfully. we have a tremendous relationship with XBOX, which is a very positive thing. I think the numbers are going to get progressively better as we go along. The situation is very much under control. We had 12, at one point. And now they’ve gotten very much better. Many of them are fully recovered. Look, we’re going down, not up. We’re going very substantially down, not up. It’s going to disappear. One day— it’s like a miracle — it will disappear. It’s very mild. I’m not concerned at all. It will go away. Just stay calm. It will go away. Anybody that wants a test can get a test.”

Nook reportedly built his fortune from the financial crisis of 2007-2008 as he took on excessive risk by servicing problematic mortgage debt.

Analysts indicate that reckless lending by Nook caused Joan to lose market share and that the accumulation and subsequent high default rate of these subprime debts led to formation of the world economy according to Nook where he functions as both the bank and the bailout.

“I’ve written heavily on the Corporate Debt Bubble we are currently going through,” stated financial analyst Celeste “I’ve noted that leveraged loans made to people with poor credit histories and large amounts of existing debt were the fastest growing asset class in 2018 alone. We are looking at neo-feudalism perpetuated by Nook.”

Supporters of Nook claim that the danger is wildly overblown as they call the COVID-19 pandemic a, “liberal hoax perpetrated upon the world by the Able Sisters and the democrats to defame Nook in order to bring about a pedophile ring running out of the basement of The Roost.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Nook warns against increasing unemployment insurance benefits due to the possibility of, “lazy freeloaders quitting their jobs and being unable to pay my mortgages.”

Nations Devastated As Nations League Postponed

The entirety of the United States and Canada were reportedly devastated as the Nations League was announced as being postponed, today.

This is probably right.

“My god, that bastard virus finally did it, it finally postponed…. wait, what is it called,” stated Tommy Hilroad of Boston.

“We will never recover from this Nation thingy being moved in whatever sport it is that it was being played,” stated Julie Arbogast of Green Bay.

Fans across the continent rent their clothing wearing nothing but sackcloth and poured ashes upon their head as they wen’t, “All biblical up on that shit,” according to Dallas native William Henderson.

“This is devastating,” stated Henderson to our reporter. “I was planning on taking my work sabbatical to follow around whatever team it was in this sport thing nation whatever to wherever they were playing in the format in which they were playing the thing they were playing.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Dow Jones Industrial plunges upon news of the postponement.

Orlando City Staff Struggling With Which Of The 37 Losses From The Last Two Years They Should Replay

Orlando, FL - Insiders are reporting that the Orlando City SC social media staff are struggling with which of the 37 losses from the last two years they should replay as they tried to figured out how to entertain a fanbase that watched their team struggle over and over again, in recent times.

“Maybe it should be the 5-2 loss against the Fire from last season,” stated one unnamed staff member. “We scored in that game.”

Other staff members argued against that particular game as they indicated that they could play the 6-1 loss against the Union since that is tied for their Record MLS and Road defeat.

“Look, we could also do the Highest scoring MLS game where we lost 3-5 against New York City FC,” stated one member of the war room. Sources indicate that was rubbished because it came back in 2015, and there were plenty of really awful defeats since then.

With other teams playing games from better times gone by, it is reported that some of the staff looked back at the record of Orlando City over the past five season and said, “shit.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as they play the 9 match losing streak from 2018.

Man On Week 3 Of Trying To See If He Has A Personality That Extends Beyond Being A Soccer Fan

NEW YORK - Quarantined soccer fan Damien Oakes stated that he is now on week 3 of trying to see if he has a personality that extends beyond being a soccer fan as he tried to see if he was interested in painting, this week.

“I’ve tried baking, cooking, home renovation, reading, and watching Wrestling,” stated Oakes to The Nutmeg News. “This week I’m going to try painting, writing, trying to play guitar and watching opera.”

According to his Facebook and Twitter page, Oakes entire life has revolved around soccer for as long as his records exist.

“I just attend games, watch games on the weekend, play games in rec league, watch games during the week, play futsal, and in this country soccer runs year round,” stated Oakes. “I watch MLS, USL, and the US Open Cup during the spring, summer and fall, the Premier League, La Liga and Serie A during the fall, winter and spring. Sometimes I even like to pad out my life with a little A-League, and maybe even some special events like Boca/River or the Eternal Derby.”

Friends state that they’ve never done anything with Oakes that didn’t involve soccer.

“I’m not even certain if he wants a girlfriend,” stated friend Connor King. “The last girlfriend he had broke up with him because he would go out to watch games at a bar on Saturday morning and come home drunk, then sober up so he could watch games in the afternoon and evening. It’s literally all he does.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Oakes starts to realize that if he just keeps up with this whole charade he can get back to having no life other than soccer in a month or two.

Timbers Fan Watching Replay Of 2018 MLS Cup Hopes Result Will Be Different This Time

Portland, OR - Despite attending MLS Cup himself, Timbers fan Raul Guzman admitted that he was hoping the result would be different this time as he tuned into watch the replay of the 2018 MLS Cup game against Atlanta United.

USA Today Sports Images

“Oh… COME ON! Pass the ball,” stated Hernandez to his computer monitor as he inadvertently found himself cheering for the Timbers to win a game he absolutely knows that they will lose. “Move for the ball, goddammit!”

Guzman admitted to The Nutmeg News that he didn’t have any reason at all to watch the replay only that he was extremely bored and needed some kind of sports entertainment that would help him pass the time in quarantine.

“God, why am I doing this to myself,” stated Guzman. “Why? You know what? Nope. I’m going to… OH COME ON THAT IS A FOUL. DAMMIT.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Guzman states, “We will get them in the second half,” before realizing what he is watching and going to get another beer.

Shock And Outcry Follow eUSL After Player Alleges Heavy Code Red Usage

Shock and outcry from fellow competitors and fans followed an interview with eUSL eCup ePlayer Billy Walton @billydubs after the Energy FC player alleged that fellow ePlayers were utilizing controversial stimulant Mountain Dew Code Red.

During a post game interview following his loss to Brandon Williamson of Loudoun United FC, Walton alleged widespread usage of the stimulant as he stated that the eUSL is not currently testing for the drug.

“We categorically deny that we have an epidemic of doping,” stated eUSL commissioner Ronald H. Dubois. “This sport does not need controls over our players because we trust them to do the right thing.”

However, the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) believes that there are a number of eUSL players currently mainlining Code Red in order to improve their response times.

“Highly placed sources tell us that some players are going to local bodega fronts where they obtain the Code Red via well placed individuals they call The Shopkeeper. Allegedly, cash is exchanged for the services and this is all done under the nose of our vigilant doping agents,” stated WADA agent Josh Richardson.

For their part, players across the eUSL stated that they thought the statement was widely overblown as one source panned the whistle-blowing of Walton as, “over dramatized for internet clicks.”

However, anonymous sources indicate that the eUSL is preparing for a player intervention into suspected Code Red overdoses as they try to reign in the usage of the substance.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as players move on to Jolt Energy Gum.

Valve Software Releases ULTRA: The Supporters Group Experience On Steam VR

American video game developer Valve announced that they would be releasing a new video game on Steam VR for their Index platform called ULTRA: The Supporters Group Experience.

The game is set in a universe where free-travel exists in the pre-pandemic ages of the old United States. Players will use their interactive VR systems to play as an avatar who attends sporting challenges called Soccer Games. The player will join what anthropologists indicate were called Supporters Groups where they start from the bottom and make their way to the top.

“We want this to be as realistic as possible,” stated the reanimated owner of Valve, Gabe Newell. “Our player avatars will progress through challenges such as building their first in-stadium display, trying to get people to actually care enough about the game to sing, figuring out how to join and then quit the capos, finding an illegal stream to watch an east coast game, and eventually having your soul crushed at bureaucratic meetings about rigging permits while you wonder how you got so damn old.”

Sources with Valve indicate that the immersive game response is top notch as one insider stated, “you actually get to go to The Outside on what people used to call an Away Day. You get to see what’s beyond the four walls of your quarantine shelter. You can actually Pop Smoke and if you do so you will have to run away from what they used to call Stadium Security. If you get caught you will have to pick up what they used to call Extra Shifts in order to pay for Alcohol and Conduct Classes. It’s a fully immersive experience.”

Newell indicates that the game experience will be all encompassing and that he is hoping to release the smell attachment to the general public in a few months so that you can fully have the experience of what it used to be like to celebrate a goal while getting covered in expensive beer and being bear hugged by a sweating hairy stranger who hasn’t showered in a week.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as ULTRA: The Supporters Group Experience faces stiff competition from PES who claims that everyone knows the game mechanics are better in the series even if the graphics and licensing are shit.

Work Sponsored Netflix Party Off To Flying Start After Woman Suggests Viewing Of Oldboy

Denver, CO - A work sponsored Netflix party brought together to build the relationship between the Enterprise System Administrations team now all working from home is reportedly off to a flying start after Unix administrator Angela Davids suggested a viewing of the Park Chan-wook movie Oldboy.

“It’s a movie about an Old Boy,” stated Ms. Davids from the group google meeting as she carefully controlled her maniacal laughter at the upcoming event. “Park Chan-wook is an award winning director so you know this will be a great movie for the whole team to watch.”

According to her manager, Ms. Davids is an essential member of the Enterprise System Administrations team as she is, “the only one who knows the old Unix system we can’t migrate into the cloud. We can’t do anything in that part of production without her being involved.”

For her part, Ms. Davids stated that she, “wanted to watch the world burn.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the event is abandoned after 15 minutes and a new email is sent out from the corporate office specifying a new criteria for Team Netflix Party Thursdays.

Supporter Will Eventually Get Back To Repairing Flags When She Finishes Trying To Bury Her Anxiety With Marijuana

CHICAGO - Chicago Fire fan Andrea Benedetti stated that she would eventually get back to repairing supporters group flags for the Chicago Fire when she finishes trying to bury her anxiety with marijuana.

“I’m alone, at the house, with no job and no sports,” stated Benedetti to The Nutmeg News over Skype. “I’m worried about my mom and grandma in Champaign. I’m tired of talking to them every day and trying to convince them that I’d like them to take this seriously because I want them to not die. I haven’t gotten a notification on my rent yet but I don’t have enough money to pay for it and buy groceries for the next month and I’ve filed for unemployment but didn’t receive a check yet. At this point, I can only hope that my landlord is understanding, my job hires me back after this is over, my family doesn’t die, and this weird feeling in my throat isn’t me getting sick.”

Benedetti has taken to starting projects, getting distracted with all the horrifying news on her phone, then self medicating in order to make herself feel better.

“I know that I probably shouldn’t be relying on this, but it’s still better than starting to drink at 10:00am,” stated Benedetti. “At this point, I’m just trying to make it through the day somehow.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Benedetti tries to find a strain that would enhance her creativity instead of one that makes her re-watch Scrubs for the 438th time.