"Nowhere In The Bible Does It Say I Can't Make Money Off The Decades Of Work Put In By Soccer Playing Lesbians That I Think Are Going To Hell," States @jaehinkle_15

Cary, NC - In a wide ranging interview allegedly conducted by The Nutmeg News, cafeteria Christian Jaelene HInkle stated, " Nowhere in the Bible does it say that I can't make money off the decades of work put in by soccer playing lesbians that I think are definitely going to hell."

Hinkle seen here on the 700 Club asking for her fans to purchase a new private jet for her so that she can serve witness like scam artist Creflo Dollar. 

According to our reporter, the North Carolina Courage player stated, "I checked the Bible. I looked in Leviticus and I looked in Acts. I even looked in Revelations. There's a lot in there about hating the Gays and Lesbians; and for some reason there's a lot in there about menstruation. However, there's nothing in there that says I can't profit off the works of these hellbound heathens. Without all the hard working Lesbians and other women that struggled for years to create a credible domestic league and vibrant international competition I wouldn't even have an opportunity to play soccer so I'm glad they did that before they are tortured for all eternity in the pits of hell for their chosen behavior."

With the controversy of not playing for the US Women's National Team still up for interpretation Hinkle explained her decision by stating, "Rainbows turn you gay. It's in Exodus somewhere, trust me. Especially if you wear rainbow numbers. Look, if you even glance at a rainbow number and watch Megan Rapinoe make a cross within 5 minutes you are buying a KD Lang compact disc and watching DIY videos on youtube."

Hinkle was adamant about her interpretation of her God stating, "God (and a team of surgeons BUT THAT DOESN'T COUNT, OK?! IT WAS GOD) healed my leg so I could play soccer and voice my opposition to Gay and Lesbian people. Who am I to judge that miracle? It's a miracle! It truly is! God healed my leg so I can bear witness to millions about my dislike of Lesbians! It's a MIRACLE!"

Hinkle finished her interview by stating, "It's not that I don't appreciate all the hard work by the multitude of women that came before me, It's just that I pity them and know they are getting to be tortured in the fires of hell. Meanwhile, I can make some money off them and boost my profile on the 700 club, which totally isn't a scam at all but please do give money now."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hinkle announces that she will start a ministry that reaches out to underprivileged youth via a BRAND NEW PRIVATE JET!

Seattle Sounders Finally Carry MLS Cup Winning Form Into Regular Season

Seattle, WA - Long after winning MLS Cup in 2016 with a sterling defensive position and penalty kicks, the Seattle Sounders were finally able to carry their MLS Cup winning form into the regular season as they started 2018 without scoring a single goal in three games and only scoring 7 goals in 10 games.

"This style brought them MLS Cup," stated long time fan and part time blogger Heather Quimby. "As fans, we hoped to see a championship team during the entirety of the regular season, and finally we are seeing that championship form."

Some passionate fans claim that this particular style isn't what they meant, but many supporters stated repeatedly that they didn't care about the style... only the results.

"I don't care if my team wins a game 1-0 with 0 shots and 1 pk or if they win a game 4-3 with 23 shots as long as they win," stated Sounders fan Randy Evans of Tacoma. "The problem is that they aren't winning, at this moment. We don't need to score goals to win, we just need to win. But if we win without scoring goals, I'm fine."

Those views are, apparently, in the minority as the run of games without a goal called into mind the previous glory in 2016 when the Sounders lifted MLS Cup.

"It's only three games, but I'm basking in the remembrance of our MLS Cup win," stated Dan Thurgood as he adjusted his 2016 MLS Cup Champions scarf. "There's plenty of time to play better, but I'm going to go Youtube to watch the highlights of the championship celebration and victory parade."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans start encouraging players to look for penalty kick opportunities and a stronger defensive effort.

FAKE FAN ALERT: This Woman Doesn't Know Who Scored The Second Goal In The 1914 National Challenge Cup Final

LOS ANGELES - Local man, Stephen Brown, admitted that he was shocked to find out that local woman and supposed soccer fan Maggie Depaul didn't know all the esoteric statistics from 104 years ago that would prove she deserves his respect with regards to soccer.

She couldn't even name all the players in this photo! WHAT A RUBE.

"This woman doesn't know who scored the second goal in the 1914 National Challenge Cup and at which minute it was scored and which foot he used to score the goal," stated an exasperated Brown to good friend Eli Whittle. "How the hell can she call herself a soccer fan if she doesn't know the statistics from every single Challenge Cup final. It's practically the base level of knowledge needed to operate in the United States."

Brown reportedly came at Ms. Whittle after finding out that she was recently employed as a social media consultant for a local soccer team.

Bombastically stating that she was a, "know nothing pretty face who couldn't explain the offiside rule," Mr. Brown consistently attempted to undermine the expertise of Ms Depaul on a daily basis in an effort to prove that she was really just using the game to get ahead as he plugged his new blog www.BrownOnSoccerHistory.com.

We reached out to Ms. Depaul who stated, "I've played the game since I was young and I've always loved soccer. I shouldn't need to prove that I have an encyclopedic knowledge of the history of the game in order to run a Twitter account about a soccer brand."

None of this swayed Stephen Brown as he relentlessly badgered her with questions about the validity of the Soccer Wars, the exact number of goals scored by Billy Gonsalves in 1926, and whether Garrincha was better than Pele based upon these 10 historical videos that she better have watched.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Brown bemoans the lack of women that enjoy soccer.

MLS Exploring FC Cincinnati Move To Detroit

Cincinnati, OH - After annnouncing that they accepted FC Cincinnati's bid to become an MLS team, Major League Soccer (MLS) also announced that they would explore moving the new side to Detroit.

"We aren't beholden to the Cincinnati brand," stated MLS Commissioner Don Garber. "We just wanted the infrastructure and the colors. The town and fans are unimportant, we will make that happen."

Sources with the league indicate that MLS is divesting any investment into Ohio stating that the league is, "Not interested in podunk cities with rubes who'll buy our stuff like Columbus or Cincinnati."

According to a released league memo, Cincinnati was immeidately short listed for the move after it was discovered that there aren't enough billionaires in the Ohio area to facilitate the spending habits of the league.

"They are terrified of ending up with another Columbus," stated one source. "So they are going to move them right off the bat. If Detroit doesn't work out, then they will move FC Cincinnati to Las Vegas."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FC Cincinnati fans are blamed for the lackluster turnout to their MLS announcement. 

"Americans Won't Support Mexico," States Confident White Man

Lincoln, NE - Confident in the absolutely conviction of his belief, white man Tyler Richardson stated, "Americans won't support Mexico," after seeing the recent Sports Illustrated cover about the Mexican National Team in the world cup.

"Americans, as everyone knows, are white bros who like to get down and party," stated Richardson to The Nutmeg News. "And there's no way that one of my bros is gonna root for Mexico. NO. WAY, BRO."

According to recent statistics, the population of the United States is roughly 325.7 million and Richardson was confident that he spoke for all of them with his declaration.

"My bro Cody and my bro Zander stated that they wouldn't root for Mexico and my bros Andy and Josiah? Yeah they ain't gonna root for Mexico. We all pledged Sigma Nu back in 2013 so they have my back."

Despite 17% of the 325 million Americans being Hispanic or Latino, Richardson remained steadfast in his belief as he stated, "We all knew this guy from Argentina or some shit named Guillermo and there's no way he would support Mexico either. Guillermo the bro ain't gonna go for no Mexico and you can quote me on that." Even after being told that there are are an estimated 33.7 million Americans of Mexican descent in the United States, Richardson remained confident.

"That's all fake news, bro. Those Mexicans will root for America because they don't like their country. America IS THE BEST, BRO!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we find out that Guillermo Calaveras is from Guatemala.

US Fan Planning 2022 World Cup Victory Parade After Friendly Win Against Bolivia

Boston, MA - US fan Paul Smith stated that he was already planning the 2022 World Cup Victory parade after the United States men won their recent friendly against Bolivia, on Monday. 

Like this but with Flag Capes and "Build A Wall" chants.

"TRES A CERO," posted Smith to his Facebook page religiously as he began planning what the parade to celebrate the victory in 2022 would look like. "Absolutely NOTHING can go wrong now in the next 4 and a half years! We are on a collision course with DESTINY!"

According to friends, Smith was disgusted with the performances of the US Team leading up to the missed World Cup in Russia. However it appears that this disgust vanished as soon as the United States won as he was last seen vigorously waving an American flag in front of his duplex and wearing a pair of American flag board shorts while screaming out "USA ain't nothing to fuck with."

Our reporters spoke with Mr. Smith's supervisor at Wingz in Brighton who stated that Mr. Smith had called in sick, on Tuesday, after reportedly coming down with a case of the, "Patriotic Flu."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Smith tells everyone about this new crop of players that just can't fail that you can watch play meaningful games in 2 or 3 more years.

Vote For Your Favorite All-Star-Game Player Or This Fish Dies

Yeah, you, we are talking to you. It's that time where you roll your eyes when the Major League Soccer All Star Game selection option comes out, but guess what you didn't expect?

Yeah, that's right... if you don't vote for the MLS All Star Game this fish is going to die.

Oh ho ho! Didn't expect THAT did you?!

Yeah, that's right.

Major League Soccer is done fucking around with you lot. This league is taking things to another level this year and this fish is held hostage.

This stuff is life or death, bucko.

Do you want to be an All Star Game avoiding hipster? Well, then let the death of this poor innocent creature sit on your mind for eternity. 

Simon Borg is waiting with a maul right now. He'll do the job. He'll stream it to his youtube account.

All you have to do is vote for your favorite player, but no... you want to condemn an animal to death by a Simon Borg maul attack.

The league is done with you avoiding the vote. They aren't taking any chances anymore. Do you want to mess with the Maltese when death is on the line?

We talked to the league and they say that they will tell the fish that it was YOU that caused his death right before he ends up on the business end of Simon Borg's maul.

Now THAT'S a red card.

Oh yes, indeed. It's a league mandate. Vote or die getting taken to the next level.

So yeah, vote for the MLS All Star Game or this fish goes to fish heaven. 

You wouldn't want that on your conscience, right? 

RIGHT?!

This Brave Fan Is Thinking About Giving The Finger At A Soccer Game, This Weekend

Vancouver, BC - Brave Whitecaps fan Thor Siggurdson admitted that he is pondering the idea of giving the finger at a soccer game, this weekend, as the Caps take on the New England Revolution at BC Place.

"Maybe I should.............. but........ Maybe I also......... shouldn't?"

"I've been thinking about it for some time," stated Siggurdson to The Nutmeg News. "I think it's been a long time coming."

Reportedly, Siggurdson isn't entirely certain what his target will be for his unrepentant act of petulance as he stated, "I've drawn up a pros and cons list of the kind of people that I'm going to tell, non-verbally, to go fuck themselves. Suffice it to say that it isn't just limited to the away team."

Friends indicate that the frustrated Caps fan may even aim this bazooka of expression at his own team as he prepares to let loose a volcano of emotion in the stands.

"I'll be ready to go by game time, but I'm pretty certain that the time is right for this," rambled Siggurdson into his beer.

The Nutmeg News will have more as this brave man takes non-verbal dissent to a new level.

Fox Announcers To Call World Cup Games From Footage Of 2002 World Cup

NEW YORK - Fox's World Cup executive producer David Neal told The Nutmeg News, on Wednesday, that not only would the 2018 World Cup Announcers be located in Los Angeles (instead of travelling to the games in Russia), but that they would also be calling games utilizing footage from the 2002 World Cup.

"Member when everything was better in your life because you don't really remember how it was back then?"

"We want to ensure that Americans are invested in this World Cup," stated Neal to The Nutmeg News. "It's important for people in the United States to know that America is still in the World Cup and that a spry Landon Donovan is running around on the fields of Korea and Japan."

Neal indicated that the decision for this came from the simple fact that Fox knows white Americans are absolutely bathing in toxic nostalgia as they long for a time that never existed and a place that never was.

"What better way to forget that we didn't make the 2018 World Cup than hearkening back to a time when all the players were young, patriotic Americans and not foreigners,," stated Neal to The Nutmeg News. "Member when the United States was in the World Cup and racism was solved? Fox does."

"We, with Fox, understand that white America is terrified of this new world in which we are living. As such, we decided that calling games from the 2002 World Cup would make our viewers feel comfortable and safe, like America beating Mexico in the knockout stages in a tournament that ultimately showed we should have a big giant wall on the border. Trust us, this is all a lot easier than asking hard questions about what happened and trying to resolve these issues."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Fox decides to make Mexico v USA the championship game and awards the 2002 World Cup to the United States.

"None Of The 16 Teams That Surround Me Are Authentic Enough For MY Support"

WASHINGTON - Dave Wilson, soccer fan and seeker of only authentic experiences, stated to his Twitter page, "None of the 16 teams that surround me are authentic enough for MY support," as he intentionally avoided supporting or watching any US based soccer for the 10th year in a row.

"Come back to me in 120 years when you gain a smidgen of authenticity, shitlords."

Wilson reportedly passed on a variety of teams that surround him for every reason possible as he stated, "There's not one authentic club in this country," for the 16,000th time.

He reportedly refused to support DC United, the Philadelphia Union or either of the New York teams as he repeatedly called MLS Clubs, "despotic franchises run by a cartel of men determined to destroy the inauthentic soccer culture we have in the USA."

He also reportedly would not attend or support any local NWSL team such as Sky Blue FC or the Washington Spirit as he stated, "Women's soccer isn't authentic. Their teams have only been around for 2 years and no one cares." 

Wilson also derided USL teams such as the Richmond Kickers, Penn FC, or Bethlehem Steel FC as, "clubs without history and plastic supporters who sit around waiting for another team to be formed who can pay the franchise fee and do nothing to fix US Soccer."

Wilson also derided the PDL teams such as the Long Island Rough Riders, Ocean City Nor'easters, Jersey Express S.C. and Lehigh Valley United as being, "Unwatchable dreck full of terrible players and tactics without a shred of history therein."

Wilson saved his harshest words for the NPSL as he called teams like FC Frederick, Fredericksburg FC and Virginia Beach City FC, "Loathsome in effect and utterly lacking in any substance at all. The second least authentic teams in the world to any MLS fan who should be taken out back and executed right now."

Wilson concluded his remarks on Twitter by saying that US Soccer was broken and he would support no team in the United States that didn't have 120 years of history and some kind of relegation battle like his favorite actual authentic club Manchester City.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Wilson turns down free US Open Cup tickets as he derides the tournament as, "lacking any relevance on a global scale."

Major League Soccer Is About To Introduce, "WTF," A New Pool Of Money For, "Whatever"

NEW YORK - Insiders with Major League Soccer indicate that the league will soon introduce, "WTF," an acronym that stands for "Whatever The Fuck," which will be a new pool of money for, "Whatever the fuck you want to spend it on that might increase the profile of the league in some small way."

WTF money will join YTF, TAM, GAM, DP, Young DP, Heineken DP GAM TAM journeyman players, Uruguayan International funding deposits, the Landon Donovan Human Fund, MTMLS (Messi to MLS), GMA, PDA, PDF, TTL, and WLAFCWUTNSTCITL (Whatever LA FC Wants Until The Next Sexy Team Comes Into The League) as financial mechanisms.

Teams are, reportedly, lining up to utilize the new mechanism with Atlanta United already announcing that it procured 2.8 million dollars from DC United in WTF spending to fly players from the stadium pre-game meal to the walk in to the stadium instead of bussing them there.

Meanwhile, sources with LA Galaxy announce that they are using their WTF money to offer a contract extension to Pete Vagenas.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as teams figure out more interesting ways to spend their WTF money.

NISA In Relegation Battle As Wilt Departs

CHICAGO - With co-founder Peter Wilt leaving the organization, it finally appears that the National Independent Soccer Association (NISA) is well and truly in a relegation battle as the fledgling league attempts to avoid dropping even further in the US Soccer pyramid.

The arrows indicate the trajectory of the league as they teter on the brink of relegation.

“When you don’t start right, and don’t get the grip of it, then you end up in trouble,” stated NISA co-founder Jack Cummins. "Emotions are up and down after a tough afternoon. I feel for everybody connected with the league."

After a barnstorming start that seemed to indicate their ability to survive and thrive in the upper divisions of the Soccer pyramid, the NISA started to suffer a number of public defeats that rattled the confidence of the players. Eventually the league slumped into a relegation position, unable to find a way out of their predicament.

"Peter leaving means that there are other opportunities to step up," stated one NISA insider who was the only person answering any phones on Thursday morning. "We fully anticipate eventually being able to change the past tense language on our website after we gain promotion from defunct league to possible league in a few years. Our promotion party will be amazing, probably."

"WAS and PLANNED? Not a good look, everyone."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans attempt to figure out if balloon payments will hinder the NISA from trying to gain promotion.

Brave Woman Still Supporting Team After Breakup

Salt Lake City, UT - Shocked people who knew very little of the situation admitted that they were able to report that Alyssa Donahue is still attending games and supporting Real Salt Lake (RSL) after her breakup with RSL superfan David Edwards.

"I tried to suggest this title to her, but she just mumbled something about a regista. Is that a kind of italian car?"

"We thought that she wouldn't be coming anymore," stated Gladys Williams of Orem. "Dave was always the soccer fan. I heard from a guy that my best friend knows who is a season ticket holder that sits kinda close a friend of Dave that he practically had to drag her to the games the first time."

We spoke to the former boyfriend of Ms. Donahue who stated, "It's fine. I don't care if she comes or not. It's not a thing, you know? Trust me, It's not. Did she say it's a thing? It isn't. It's definitely NOT a thing. Ok! Look, I can get up late again, now. And I can drink at the game, and I've got these prospects, now. So yeah, it's not a thing at all. Not at all. No thing here."

For her part, Ms. Donahue indicates that her lifelong passion for the game meant that she didn't consider a boyfriend to be an part of her experience with RSL as she bravely lied to all of us stating, "I don't need a man to enjoy soccer. It'll probably be easier to watch the game now without him distracting me with his incessant and incorrect statements about the game."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Donahue is told, "Good for you, still coming to the games," for the 23rd time.

Sports Fan Still Waiting For United States World Cup Roster

NEW YORK - Sports fan and every four year soccer enthusiast Derry Holmes stated that he is still waiting for the roster from the United States for the upcoming 2018 World Cup as he perused the back pages of Sports Illustrated for any soccer news that would tell him the players to watch during the tournament.

THE WORLD CUP IS THE BEST BECAUSE I CAN TELL ALL THESE OTHER COUNTRIES HOW SHIT THEY ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"It's weird that I haven't seen anything, but I didn't really care until now," stated Holmes to The Nutmeg News. "Usually by now everyone would be talking about controversy or who should make the roster or if the United States is going to win this year, but I haven't seen any of that."

According to friends, Holmes only cares about the jingoistic fun of rooting for his home country over every other nation in the world as he shows up to bars in full soccer cos-play mode dressed as George Washington and gets people to buy him patriotic themed drinks.

"This is the best time of the year," stated Holmes. "We get to have a party and watch some true freedom get dropped on these shithole countries. USA - USA - USA - USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - 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But yeah, for real, USA FOR REAL, BRO!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Holmes uses twitter to blame antifa for the inability of the country to make the World Cup.

Nestlé Announces Major Profits In Michigan And Ohio Salt Industry As Vitriol Between USOC Sides Ramps Up

Vevey, Vaud, Switzerland - International conglomerate Nestlé announced that a move into Michigan and Ohio generated a massive return on investment after copious amounts of salt from FC Cincinnati fans and Detroit City FC fans began to pile up in the area.

12 hours of salt production from DCFC and FCC fans.

"It is in the best interest of our partners to harvest this salt and bring it to market," stated director of strategic objectives, Claude Lamereux. "There is so much salt being created between the two groups of fans that we intend to harvest the salt and sell it at the FCC concessions during the upcoming US Open Cup game."

Insiders with Nestlé indicate that the company already made $2 million off the event by acquiring the salt mining rights back in 2015. In one week, Nestlé is going to go into the black for the quarter.

"We thought we hit it big when we saw Flint not using any of their water so we moved in and grabbed it for next to nothing," stated Nestlé CEO Ulf Mark Schneider. "We had no idea our salt contract in the area was going to explode like this. We're hoping that the Open Cup game gets delayed so we can secure our company's financial stability for the next 10 years. The idea that salt is a human right is a bit extreme, to me."

FC Cincinnati fans were reporetdly aghast that Detroit City FC fans would even get a taste of their salt as they beseiged their front office to limit the amount of salt given to the Detroit fans to 30 grains or less.

"This is OUR salt. Our salt is built for MLS. Our salt is big time," stated FC Cincinnati fan Nate Bowman. "We don't need anyone coming into our city and telling us about their salt. Fuck their salt."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Nestle acquires mineral rights to all the salt generated by the Cascadia derbies and the Hudson River derby, as well.

Hair Raising Development As Wayne Rooney May Plug Into D.C. United's Bald Spot

WASHINGTON - We won't split hairs, league sources indicate that head Everton substitute Wayne Rooney may plug into barnstorming eastern conference team D.C. United's bald spot at striker as they hope that the 32 year old grizzled, haggard, beleaguered, long legged, long in the tooth, battle tested veteran will be able to provide a comb over for the thinning options at forward.

"This is not a baldface lie," stated Carmen Esposito, director of scouting for United. "We hope that we can bring Wayne in to give us more options on the forward line as we feel that it is receding entirely too early in games. Why just the introduction of him at Audi field will stand your hair on end."

Supporters of D.C. United indicated their agreement with the plan as the OFFICIAL TEAM REPRESENTATIVE SUPPORTERS GROUP, the Screaming Eagles, stated, "Bringing in Rooney will really help us get ahead in the standings."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we come up with more of these awful things.

League Celebrates 12 Years Of MLSPU Salary Numbers And 12 Years Of Owners Denying Them

The semi-annual release of the Major League Soccer Player Union salary numbers for each player in the league has now coincided with the desperate attempt by league ownership and investment groups to dispel the numbers and re-frame the information as wholly inaccurate for 12 years now. 

T.R.E.A.M. - Tam Rules Everything Around Me, Garber Dolla Bill YA'LL!

"We just want people to know, again, that despite our desire to not actually release any of the numbers themselves that the only numbers you see every year, twice a year since 2007 are completely false," said a collection of owners at a high top mountain chalet conference in Patagonia for Bentley Ownership in North America.

"Categorically we are here to tell you that the only data that you ever have had for salaries in our league is false. Also, we will not give you any of the correct data because fuck you. You, the fan, don't deserve to know anything about what we pay for anything. I mean we leak incorrect numbers in regards to compensation for transfer fees, acquisitions, stadium expansion, and franchise expansion all the time. This is nothing new. In summation, pay us our money and stop asking questions."

Journalists celebrated the 12 year milestone by saying, "oh great, not this time of year again" with some admitting that they just reflexively put "numbers aren't correct and just an idea of what is going on" so that they don't get yelled at by owner operators of the MLS franchises that they cover.

"It just isn't worth the time to argue about them anymore. I mean, they are likely very accurate, but the owners say they aren't and the fans are supposed to be completely stupid and in the dark about anything financial with this league, so really we, the journalists, don't have anything to go on." said Dave Tedway of the Chicago Trumpet.

The Nutmeg News talked to several players on the league minimum, to verify this side of the story.

"I don't know what they are on, the number is absolutely true. I mean, I'm not counting stealing breakfast from the training room and getting a per-diem when we visit Orlando City as a benefit to my salary" said Patrick Doody of the Chicago Fire.

"Yes, compared to David Villa, or your regular mid level accountant, I'm broke. But I guess at least I get all the free advocare that I can stomach. I mean $50,000 goes a long way in the New York/New Jersey metroplex" said Connor Brandt

While the players, fans and media are all tired of the constant stupidity that happens every year around this time, the owners remain steadfast in their ability to shrug off the criticism.

The Nutmeg News sent an request to the front office of Major League Soccer in regards to the published numbers and received the following response.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens for the next 10 years.

T.I.F.O. Shortage Expected As President Trump Announces A Muslin Ban

WASHINGTON - Citing absolutely no precedent whatsoever except whatever his syphilitic mind full of racists conspiracies came up with, President Donald Trump announced a new ban on Muslins sending the Supporters Group world into a frenzy as T.I.F.O shortages will be expected.

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The T.I.F.O index fell across the New York Stock Exchange as supporters went from Bull to Bear. Fabric purchasers and designers announced their intent to hold on to their stockpiles instead of dumping them on the open market.

"I'm a cheap man and Muslin is my only option," stated Sacramento Republic fan Carmine Williams. "This Muslin ban is not only idiotic but will eventually prevent me from making any two-poles in the stadium."

Colorado Rapids supporter Jane Thurgood stated, "This is the dumbest thing. I'm friends with Muslin. I'm not going to be afraid to use it. The President has lost his damn mind."

In an effort at reaching across the aisle, The Nutmeg News spoke to Trump supporter Williams Hargood III of Monroe, La who stated, "OBAMA WAS A SECRET MUSLIN SHARIA LAW IN DEARBORN JAMES COMEY IS A DEEP STATE OPERATIVE LIKE ALEX JONES AND EVERYONE SHOULD LUST AFTER THEIR DAUGHTER LIKE PRESIDENT TRUMP GOD BLESS LEADING US TO THE PROMISED LAND. HILLARY FOR PRISON AND ROSANNE FOR SECRETARY OF STATE HASHTAG DEPLORADORABLE.Я НЕ ТОЛЬКО РОССИЙСКАЯ СЕТЬ"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the ISC fights the Muslin Ban at the stadiums.

Lansing United Announce Shorts Sponsorship With Industrial Manufacturing Company Siemens

Lansing, MI - National Premier Soccer League (NPSL) side Lansing United announced, today, a bold and innovative shorts sponsorship with industrial manufacturing company Siemens that will be pared with their kit sponsorship with Sparrow.

Men's Kit

"With the success of our women's kit we started to think how we could best illustrate the same level of sophistication with our Men's sponsors," stated Lansing United director Rob Robertson. "As such, we decided that a new, innovative and bold partnership with Siemens would proudly be displayed on our players shorts. We feel that our players are represented well by Siemens and that this sponsorship is truly be a game-changer in the realm of club sponsorship. There may 11 men out there playing their part, but together we are all Siemens."

Women's Kit

Insider sources with Lansing United indicate that the club thinks the combination of the Men's and Women's team sponsors will propel them to the top of the NPSL sales records.

"Siemens and Milk! What a combination," stated one anonymous executive.

The Nutmeg News will have more of these juvenile jokes at a later time.

Another Thoroughbred Acquired By North Carolina Courage

Cary, North Carolina - After praising McCall Zerboni as a, "thoroughbred," yesterday, head coach Paul Riley announced that the North Carolina Courage acquired another thoroughbred as Australian filly Art Series was announced as a new Courage midfielder, on Wednesday.

The new Courage midfielder in action.

"Like McCall, we feel that Art can run in our midfield all day," stated Riley to The Nutmeg News. "Art Series is an award winning Australian thoroughbred and we are happy to welcome a Matilda to our roster."

Art Series is a 3yo bay filly (female) from Australia trained by Darren Mcauliffe, who is based at Lark Hill. She is sired by the stallion Sebring out of the dam Left Alone.  

Terms of the deal were not disclosed but Riley indicated that he believes the Australian international can make a difference with his team immediately.

"We can use some players that will run and Art Series can run all day," stated Riley. "We plan on putting her through the beep test on Friday and expect that this rare thoroughbred international will put all our previous players to shame."

We reached out to Ms. Series for a comment but she stated, "neigh."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Art Series gets a red card in the first game for unsporting defecation.