Man Fondly Remembers Time When Legend Wasn't Complete Piece Of Shit

Des Moines, IA - Soccer fan Harry Leonard spent part of his day Friday remembering back to the time when his favorite player and team legend wasn't a piece of shit.

"Oh how I do long for the glorious days of yore when I didn't have to know that he was an asshole," stated Leonard to The Nutmeg News. “He used to be cool, real cool like. Instead, now, it is vaguely racist stuff just loose enough to be written off by people who don’t pay attention as trolling even though it isn’t trolling if you constantly do it all the time every single time. I wonder what changed. Or was he thinking these thoughts all along? I don’t know, it’s just tiring.”

Leonard wistfully queued up grainy YouTube highlights as he took a trip back down memory lane before he knew the intimate thoughts of his favorite player.

“Maybe it was because I was 13 and I just needed someone to look at as an idol, but this just cuts me to the bone. I excused it as trolling and being argumentative for so long, but now it’s clear that he is just an egotistical piece of shit. I’m so disappointed.”

Leonard began to cry as he said, “I have all of his jerseys, I wore it to a game once and someone pointed out to me how he sucks as a person now. I screamed that I knew, he’s now a constant reminder of my own ignorance.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Leonard continues his week long debate of whether now is finally the time to block him on social media.

“At Least Our Owner Only Financially And Publicly Supported The Mayor Of Portland Who Ensured My Friends Were Beaten, Tear Gassed, And Shot With Rubber Bullets” States Timbers Fan

Portland, OR - Timbers fan Peter Andrew stated that, “At least our owner only financially and publicly supported the mayor of Portland who ensured that my friends were beaten, tear gassed, and shot with rubber bullets,” as he read the recent news about Dell Loy Hansen

“It could be worse, he could be publicly saying the things that owners say behind the scenes, but instead he says all the things I need to hear to keep myself a season ticket holder.”

Andrew stated that he personally knows friends who marched for racial justice downtown only to be gassed by the police as they preemptively declare an unlawful assembly in order to rush in and hit protesters with batons.

“If Merritt Paulson wants to financially support the man whose nickname is Tear Gas Ted then who am I to complain. Look, it’s fine, I bought a water filtration system because the Oregon Department of Environmental Quality is worried that the massive amount of cs gas the police launched downtown has possibly leaked into the watershed. But that’s ok, because the season ticket prices are low and who am I to complain which Mayor the owner of the Timbers supports.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Andrew continues to convince himself that everything is fine every season around season ticket renewal time even if people are being maced from trucks as the police watch on.

"How Could They Do This To Their Daddy," States Shocked Dell Loy Hansen

Salt Lake City, UT - Bathed in the tears of small children that were collected after he evicted their parents, shocked Billionaire real estate mogul Dell Loy Hansen reportedly stated, “how could they do this to their daddy,” when asked about the player strike in Major League Soccer.

“It’s never been harder than RIGHT NOW to be a billionaire old white man,” stated Hansen as he emphatically tapped his ruby evicting cane upon the ground. “Daddy must stand up for himself in the face of wrongdoing. Daddy must do.”

Hansen allegedly detailed his elaborate revenge towards the players who had the audacity to stand up for themselves, their community and their families as he ranted to our reporter about what he would do.

“Daddy will buy ALL of Poplar Grove and turn it into a boutique Louis Vuitton showroom for cats. Daddy will ensure that none of these players ever have the gumption to raise up their heads against Daddy. But … oh NO my friends… Daddy is not done, yet. Daddy is not done by a LARGE margin. Daddy will close down the Salt Lake City borders so THEY can’t leave. Daddy will change the locks on all their dwellings. If Daddy does not own their dwelling, Daddy will buy the land from underneath them so that they can see how useless their opinions are to Daddy. Daddy will send them the most disturbing Tik Tok from his own personal account. Daddy can giveth, but Daddy can CERTAINLY taketh away.”

Allegedly, Hansen then stared at our reporter stating, “Daddy spends all his precious coin money on his children and how do they repay Daddy? Not Playing? For Daddy? They MUST be punished. This is a direct STAB to the heart of daddy. HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO THEIR DADDY.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Daddy considers trading a player to Spartak Moscow for a vintage Russian gold coin.

Online Poll Asks Supporters For Next Steps In MLS Black Lives Matter Movement

NEW YORK - An online poll released today is reportedly the next step towards creating a more tolerant league as anonymous executives at their wits end attempt to determine the next steps in Major League Soccer’s Black Lives Matter movement.

“We’re all out of options,” stated our source. “We made tons of videos with black people in them. We made shirts that we don’t really sell, we even told people we cared about black people. We are truly running out of ideas.”

According to our sources, the league decided to determine their next step by reaching out to the fans.

“We sent out a poll to our fans asking them to pick from 5 different options on our next step as a league to fix racism within the country and the league. We sweetened the deal by giving them 5% off an affiliated Fanatics purchase and free shipping if they follow the league account on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and Youtube and tag two additional friends who also might like to vote in this poll,” stated one anonymous executive. “We’re just exhausted as MLS executives. You want to fix this stuff, but it keeps happening no matter what you do. This has been a long few months of dealing with this issue and we’re getting tired. The only next step we can think of is calling a majority black town and asking them if they want to pay a $500 million dollar expansion fee so they can have a team. We have been told we should try to be in these … um… areas…um….. anyway. Maybe that’ll help?”

The online poll will allow supporters to be able to choose if the league should make team colored dashikis, a pan African flag with your team logo on it, an MLS team Kwanzaa set, or #MLSisBlack branded tournament gear.

The Nutmeg News will have more as the MLS league office contacts Burna Boy to see if he’ll do the new pregame anthem.

Disaster Strikes As Man Accidentally Wins Supporters' Group Election

Disaster struck for Harry Smith as he found out that he actually won the vice-president position for his local supporters’ group.

What have I done?!

“I didn’t think I would actually win and I really am questioning if I even want to serve anymore,” stated Smith to The Nutmeg News.

Smith stated that he originally thought that running for the supporters group council would allow him to help out, become more involved and share his passion with his fellow fans, but after talking to a number of former council members he realized that he was signing up for all of the behind the scenes drudgery, machinations, and political maneuvering that has all the potential to cause him to fall out of love with his team and fellow fans.

“I put my name in, but … well… despite my misgivings I HAVE to accept now,” stated Smith. “I see these people every single week. I can’t just blow them off.”

Smith, who has a popular online social presence, said that he didn’t understand how he won until he checked the voting numbers and realize that he won after only 120 people voted in the election.

For all his misgivings, Smith stated that he will serve out his two year term and said that he hopes that he will still be friends with everyone when this ends.

“I only hope that I can make it through all this with my love of this team and my friends intact. This whole thing started with the best of intentions, but I just checked my inbox and holy shit… .what a disaster. I honestly don’t think that I really want to know how the sausage is made anymore.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Smith gets attacked for being a mouthpiece of the supporters group on Twitter.

OPINION: Checkmate Atheists! We Are ALREADY In Hell!

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from Ty Libby of Tampa, FL. The viewpoints and opinions of Mr. Libby do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

Checkmate Atheists! Despite your long winded attempt to convince everyone that God isn’t real, what you failed to realize is that he is real, and we are already in hell.

How do I know this? I just look around.

As you always say, the burden of proof is on the person making the claim so here’s my proof.

How about this, if God isn’t real, how come the Cubs won the world series? Yeah, that was God pushing his concentrated will through the hate ether that envelops hell to manifest a world series victory for the Cubs.

How about this, if God isn’t real, how come Leicester won the Premier League? Yeah, that’s right…. it was God again…. he was battling across the wide dimensions, crossed the multidimensional plane, and rode into hell on a white steed with his blade Stormbringer all the while wearing a long flowing beard braided for battle as he gave his blessings onto the foot of Jamie Vardy and the managerial skill of Claudio Ranieri for one glorious season before God was kicked out of our current hellscape for too much meddling.

Look, if we evolved from swamps, how come the pool I haven’t cleaned in 4 years doesn’t have humans crawling out of it? At the very least I would expect an advanced civilization of sentient amoebas.

Without God how would we have the majesty of a bicycle kick, the career of Peter Crouch or the delights of Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass.

Without the Devil how would we explain people defending racist cops and white supremacists shooting people?

Yeah, that’s right, without the Devil we would have to take responsibility for the fact that millions upon millions upon millions of Americans are truly awful self absorbed and ignorant people who care about nothing but themselves

So, Checkmate Atheists! Welcome to hell!

Sincerely,

Ty Libby

Chicago Fire Promise Lionel Messi They Won’t Ruin International Legend This Time

CHICAGO - In an effort to woo international superstar Lionel Messi, the Chicago Fire made a promise to the player that they won’t ruin the international legend this time.

“What happened with Schweinsteiger, it was new,” stated Chicago Fire public relations official James Hughes. “We didn’t know what we were doing, clearly. We can learn from that. We promise to value your career and your accomplishments. We promise we won’t move you to goalkeeper without consulting you first.”

“We are going to do everything to acquire and keep him here” said Fire owner Joe Mansueto,” We will treat him like we did Schweinsteiger but even better. He’ll get all the Malort he could drink, and the option for a complimentary upgrade to Business Class on one of our flights to Canada.”

Fire fans were reportedly thrilled with the prospect of Messi to the Fire as they came out in support of the prospect.

When asked if he’d like Messi on the team, Chicago Fire fan Albert Rossiello said “Change the logo. I don’t care. Change the logo!”

“I would love Messi,” said Carl Dabrowski, who made it a point to say he’s been a fan since 1998,” but he’s getting booed if he doesn’t score 3 goals his first game. I’ll do it. I’ll boo him. I don’t care.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Messi receives a text from Wicky asking if he has ever owned goalkeeper gloves before.

"We’re Not Your Average Supporters' Group,” Says Board Member Of Your Average Supporters Group'

"We're not your average supporters’ group," stated board member Zack Williams of your average supporters’ group. “We watch other supporters’ groups do lame T.I.F.O and chants, but that isn’t our style. We don’t want to imitate them. We step it up to another level by doing everything that the Northern Guard does that the Timbers Army does that St.Pauli does.”

Photo: Paul Sableman

The supporters group formed over a common love of supporters groups at a dive bar called Dive bar which used to be the unofficially official meeting place of the supporters group.

While the Dive Bar dive bar has now closed, it is often remembered in vintage supporters group merchandise that you no longer can purchase.

In a wide ranging interview with The Nutmeg News, Williams illustrated what makes his group stand out.

“Look, nobody likes us and we don’t care, but we do have a number of charity initiatives that gained us some local praise and credit that we don’t like to brag about all the time, but will if necessary,” stated Williams. “We are a collection of socially conscious supporters who believe we should be far left and apolitical supporters who believe we shouldn’t bring politics into the group at all who have a moderately irreverent social media presence that traffics in light banter mixed in with reports on our previously mentioned and expansive charitable endeavors and passionate team entreaties.”

When it comes to membership, Williams was adamant that his group was not founded on exclusion.

“We believe that Black Lives Matter,” stated Williams, “And as soon as one joins our supporters group we will let them know that fact. Some of our members are pushing the team to release a pride kit, and we fully support that effort. We are not exclusive at all and we don’t require a membership; but we do have an inner process that we review for higher functions and responsibilities within the Supporters Group. And you have to be a dues paying member in order run for SG offices or access the exclusive scarf pre-sale or help with the display on Saturday."

When asked about their history with Women in the group, Williams said he never had a negative experience in the group.

“We would absolutely love to have more women in the group. It’s always great having more members. I’ve never experienced a toxic atmosphere at all, personally. We look out for each other like a family. For example, I always warn any women that come into the group about Dave… because… wow.. that guy gets wild sometimes. The best part is that there’s no drama. We just don’t get into drama unless we need to get into drama, and we already addressed all that other drama. I think everyone knows that I’m willing to stand up and accept those faults, but I don’t think I need speak further about that.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an informal splinter group forms around the idea taking the supporters section back to their roots.

Five More MLS Teams Take Credit For The Development Of Alphonso Davies

NORTH AMERICA - Representatives with Orlando City SC, the Montreal Impact, the Seattle Sounders, the San Jose Earthquakes, and Sporting Kansas City all took credit for the development of Canadian Champions League winner Alphonso Davies on Monday.

“It was against us that he received his first minute of league play,” stated representatives with Orlando City. “Clearly without this his development never would’ve happened in the first place. You could see his speed from the very start.”

Meanwhile representatives with the San Jose Earthquakes stated, “It was against our team that he had his first Foul Conceded. Clearly without this development he wouldn’t have turned into the premier speedy fullback that he is today.”

In response, the Seattle Sounders claimed enhanced status over other teams as they stated, “It was against our team that he obtained his first assist. Without this his game would suffer and he wouldn’t be a modern fast and speedy fullback. We can clearly see the development that happened with him in our ranks.”

For their part, representatives with Sporting Kansas City claimed a heavy hand in his development as they stated, “It was against our team that he learned to foul in a cynical fashion. Against SKC he was forced to obtain his first yellow card. That in combination with his speed. Just his absolute speed. So Speedy. Much Speed.”

Finally, representatives with the Montreal Impact also claimed their hand in the development of the new Canadian superstar as they stated, “C'est contre nous qu'il a obtenu son premier but. La clé finale de son puzzle. Nous devons tous voir comment nous l'avons aidé pas comme les autres. SPEED. VERY SPEED. SUPER SPEED. MUCH SPEEEEEED. SO SPEED.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more teams figure out ways to tie themselves to Alphonso Davies.

Unleashed Grant Wahl Ready To Drop Diss Track

Sources indicate that an unleashed Grant Wahl, no longer inhibited by writing for Sports Illustrated, is in the studio with Pusha T finishing the next great diss track towards the President of the United States.

“Pusher Tee really helped me get out all my feelings about Trump,” stated Wahl to The Nutmeg News. “I hadn’t heard his songs before, but I did hear he was mean to Drake once and that’s the kind of vitriol I need for this track.”

Wahl spent most of this week setting up his SoundCloud and preparing a few more bars using rhymer.com and Urban Dictionary for his strong words condemning the current administration. “I spent about a week working on rhyming something with malfeasance, but Pusher said to keep it easy so I just realized that I could string out treason and make it fit,” stated Wahl.

“I’m not even sure how he got my number,” Pusha T said candidly,” I’m pretty bored though and I thought that helping out would be funny. I’m still not really sure who this dude is.”

When asked how he thinks the track will go, Pusha T just laughed and went back to his breakfast.

“This is something you definitely do towards the end of your career so I don’t know why he didn’t call Drake.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Wahl calls Pi’erre for the 1000th time asking for a best.

Soccer Fan's Hope For Newborn Son Include Making European Team, Playing For USMNT, And Surviving Rising Sea Levels On A Catamaran Where Clean Water And Food Are The Currency

LOS ANGELES - Soccer fan Zane Hughes hope for his newborn son Cody reportedly include being healthy, making a European team, playing for the United States Men’s National Team and surviving rising sea levels on a catamaran where clean water and food are the currency.

“I know that there is a chance that soccer or even this country may not exist by the time that he grows up, but I only hope for the best for him,” stated Hughes to The Nutmeg News. “Maybe it’s the current depression over this pandemic or the ever clicking drumbeat of climate change in the background, but I just hope that he learns out to curl in a free kick and surf down the backside of waves on a beam reach.”

Sources say that Hughes realizes that bringing a child into the world is consigning them to a very uncertain future but he states, “I want to be an optimist in this. Maybe we will figure things out. Maybe, despite all the evidence of the entire existence of humanity trying to screw each other, the human race will actually coalesce into some kind of group of people bigger than the whole. More likely we will need to ensure that he knows how to desalinate water in order to grow vegetables in order to trade for sailcloth and diesel.”

Hughes admits that he’s just going through a six month overall mental and physical depression, right now, but he stated that it’s only fair that he teach his son how to properly execute a rondo drill as well as learning how to repair a yanmar diesel engine while floating between the sunken ruins of Key West and Miami.

“In the end, my dream is an optimistic one even if that means him sailing the seas in loin cloth attempting to find some fabled land at the ends of the earth, and god… maybe I just need to stop watching Waterworld at 1:30 am while he is on the bottle.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hughes attempts to calm his fears by watching The Road followed by The Postman.

Geoff Cameron Blames Obama After Not Receiving RNC Nod

Former American Stoke City player Geoff Cameron reportedly blamed former President Barack Obama after not receiving a speaking nod at the Republican National Convention.

“You spend all your money on All Lives Matter signs, and all your time DMing President Trump macaroni art you made of him putting immigrant children in cages and pretending to not vehemently hate the politics of your fellow black teammates and you find out that you are the 4th choice behind a couple that waved guns at black people? I CAN WAVE GUNS AT BLACK PEOPLE. THIS IS ALL HUSSEIN OBAMA’S FAULT,” stated Cameron, allegedly, to James Woods in an unbidden DM leaked to The Nutmeg News. “I was checking my mailbox all day, even though I think USPS shouldn’t exist, and no invite was there, although this may be an attempt to suppress the opinions of the truthful right. Checked the email I set up purely for Trump campaign emails, nothing. Maybe Yedlin was right, I am betrayed and I don’t know if I can keep representing this country.”

Sources indicate that Cameron was reportedly kept off the RNC list due to the fact that he only liked and responded positively to Ben Shapiro, Candace Owens, Charlie Kirk, and James Woods tweets and didn’t tweet or post any specific white nationalist QAnon philosophies in the past month.

“If Geoff wants to make the RNC he needs to start advocating for White Nationalism and imprisonment of immigrants in a more overt fashion,” stated RNC director Jefferson Davis. “He can’t keep quarter-stepping his opinions in an effort to maintain his sponsors and teammates.”

Those statements by Mr. Davis didn’t keep Cameron from allegedly blaming, “extreme left agitators, AnTifa, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi and Barack HUSSEIN Obama from keeping me from the podium.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Cameron was reportedly on his way to a “COVID is a liberal hoax to take down the President” rally.

Introvert Longs For Chance To Not Go To Supporters Group Event

NEW YORK - Introvert and soccer fan Phoebe Anderson stated that the pandemic has been so isolating and depressing that she longs for a chance to not go to a supporters group event to which she would be invited.

“I miss turning people down,” stated Anderson to The Nutmeg News. “I used to get excited about the possibility of the event and then plan my whole week around the anxiety of attending the event and my eventual cancellation. Now I just don’t know what to do.”

Anderson reportedly spent the last few years attending games and finding ways to stay at home for pre-funks, after parties, mid summer social events, watch parties, and banner/T.I.F.O painting parties.

“I really do miss turning down 2 or 3 Facebook invitations, or telling people maybe and then cancelling by text,” stated Anderson. “Now my phone is just filled with text chains of people talking and not doing anything at all. It’s a bit like being in a world of introverts, but we need extroverts just to show us how exhausting becoming emotionally involved in anxiety and the world can be.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson creates a group event for herself and 10 other people on Facebook just so she can say that she will attend and then change her status to maybe at 11:30 pm the night before.

"I've Got At Least Two Black Friends," States FC Dallas Fan On Twitter

Dallas, TX - After fans at the FC Dallas - Nashville Major League Soccer game booed the Black Lives Matter solidarity protest and chanted USA-USA at the collected players, FC Dallas fan Rick Watson spent the morning stating, “I’ve got at least two black friends, so, no, I’m not racist,” on Twitter as he attempted to explain away the situation.

USATSI

“I told my black friends sorry and that our community is behind them, but I’ve always wondered if THIS is really the best way to protest,” stated Watson online. “I don’t agree with the boos, I’ve got at least two black friends, so you know I’m not racist, but …well… you know… people around here…. look…. um… people around here….they…don’t like to see the national anthem being protested against. The next thing you know they will be outlawing The Eyes Of Texas for being racist.”

According to Watson, one of his good friends is Jerramy Hughes, a fellow employee of Energy Transfer Equity who works in Human Resources. Watson has said, "Go Cowboys," several times to Hughes in the 10 years they've worked together.

“I feel like I’ve gotten closer to him,” stated Watson to our reporter. “He’s answered all 803,048 of my questions about Black people that I never knew like the show Martin, and who Cash Money Records is, and whether he knows my neighbor Charlene.”

Watson repeated that you know he’s not racist, but that, “Black Lives Matter but why before a game? I just want to not think about being white for 90 minutes and I ended up having to think about it for 10 seconds. It made me feel very uncomfortable, not that there’s an excuse for what happened but they DID kick out the person who threw the bottle so I’m sure this will never happen again.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Watson cut our interview short before making a mass text to his two black friends that he voted for Obama at least once.

Soccer Fans Agree That Now That MLS Is Back From MLS Is Back That NOW MLS Is Back

Soccer fans across the United States except for Portland, Oregon were in consensus that now that Major League Soccer is back from Major League Soccer Is Back the Tournament that NOW Major League Soccer Is Back.

“The tournament meant nothing,” stated Seattle Sounders fan Raul Jimenez. “The real tournament is the post tournament tournament that may or may not actually happen depending upon positive COVID tests.”

Fans in Dallas and Nashville agreed stating, “MLS Is Back was not actually back and now that we are back from MLS being back we are actually back. It’s really not that complicated.”

According to sources within the league front office, pundits are excited for the return of the season from the tournament.

“This is just another opportunity for Los Angeles Football Club to win the regular season tournament non-COVID edition,” stated one anonymous source. “The hype machine is back!”

For their part, soccer fans in Portland disagreed with the consensus stating, “MLS Is Back was the tournament and we disagree with MLS being back from MLS being back. We are the champions.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Orlando fans think MLS Is Back was great but also terrible as they hope that their form from MLS Is Back can continue now that MLS is Back.

Nickelback Announces New Song For MLS Tournament Post Game Montage Called One Shining Photograph

Orlando, Frorida - After teasing a new announcement all day, Canadian rock band Nickelback announced a new song for the MLS Is Back Tournament tournament post game montage called One Shining Photograph.

“We are excited to announce a new song created just for the MLs is back tournament that really blends our love of soccer and our love of montages and our love of our song photograph,” stated lead singer Chad Kroeger.

“We wanted to be THE league to welcome back a pop culture icon, while also appealing to our fans who we found with intense market research,” stated Don Garber. “MLS is back, but so is the career of 12 time Juno Award winning artists.”

Dozens of fans were reportedly thrilled with the news as they reacted online with a low key celebration so they wouldn’t get mocked.

Chicago Fire fan Chris Hanson was quoted as saying the news got them nostalgic, “Takes me back to the only time we were good.”

“I’m very excited because I heard some Nickelback at a Panera recently and it reminded me of the good times when I played the song for my girlfriend Stephanie in my dad’s Toyota Carolla,” stated one anonymous fan.

The Nutmeg News will have more after we bulk buy hearing aids after losing our hearing at the singles preview party.

Former MLS Midfielder Claims He Will Finally End Juventus 122 Year Absence From The CONCACAF Champions League

Torino, IT - In an interview with newspaper La Stampa, former Major League Soccer (MLS) midfielder Andrea Pirlo claimed that he would end a 122 year absence for Juventus in the CONCACAF Champions League by being the first head coach to lead The Old Lady into the international tournament.

“I was never able to reach this honor as a player in New York,” stated Pirlo through a translator. “It would’ve been a great honor for me and the pinnacle of my football career.”

Sources say that Pirlo’s inability to play against legendary teams like Montego Bay United incensed the long time NYCFC professional.

“He was never the same after he missed a chance to play Isidro Metapan in El Salvador,” stated one Juventus source. “It created a fire that still burns to get the first team he would coach into the tournament.”

Juventus officials wouldn’t comment on the rumors, but their travel department was seen researching flights from Italy to Costa Rica for the summer.

“I think he’s burning with a chance to finally take on Saprissa, which was of course his childhood dream,” stated our source. “And I’d bet good money that he gets it provided that he doesn’t get fired after 2 months.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Pirlo claims that playing Udinese away is nowhere near as bad as flying business class from New York to Los Angeles to play a noon game against Gyasi Zardes and the LA Galaxy.

Eager Real Salt Lake Fan Updates Will In Advance Of Home Game

Salt Lake, UT - Typing, “I, Jacob Williams, of sound mind and body,” eager Real Salt Lake fan Jacob Williams began the process of updating his will in advance of the newly announced Real Salt Lake home game.

“Look, this is just in case I go to the game, get COVID-19 and die,” stated the soccer fan. “I’m really excited about the opportunity to go see RSL play with the rest of my fellow fans and I know that these days that means I might actually die.”

Williams, an asthmatic, stated that he certainly doesn’t want to leave his two children without a father, but the lure of a home game with thousands of other fans is just too much.

“My wife keeps saying, ‘oh I don’t think you should go,’ but who WOULDN’T die for some soccer. Plus it’s not like they are having mass outbreaks across the United States among communities and soccer teams leading to cancellations and postponements as the virus continues it’s rampage.”

Williams reportedly left all of his assets to his wife Sarah with the provision that if she becomes ill and dies due to him passing COVID-19 to her that the assets be placed in a trust for his two sons Levi and Warren.

“I’m making sure that I take care of everything. EVERYONE OPEN WIDE FOR SOME SOCCER.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams convinces himself that it’s just a bit of throat irritation and not symptomatic of any kind of developing COVID-19 symptoms.

With COVID-19 Defeated Across North America, MLS Announces Plans To Return To Home Markets

Orlando, Frorida - Commissioner Don Garber announced that with COVID-19 defeated across North America Major League Soccer will have their teams head back to their home markets to play games after the MLS IS BACK THE TOURNAMENT tournament is finished.

No, this is not a Plague Inc map.

“We want to congratulate the frontline workers, scientists and epidemiologists that helped control and defeat this pandemic across this country,” stated Garber. “Finally we can return to our home stadiums and crowds to play soccer.”

Sources indicate that the numbers of infections and cases do not support what the league is saying, but that didn’t put a damper on the day.

“We are absolutely thrilled to have the opportunity to sell tickets and concessions again,” stated one anonymous MLS owner. “Did you know that I almost lost MONEY in this endeavor? Sports aren’t about losing money it’s about MAKING money.”

We spoke to a random doctor and probable communist agitator spreading fake news at a clinic in New Jersey who stated, “What?! This isn’t over at all! It’s more widespread in the country than at nearly any other time.”

However, to counterbalance this negative spin we spoke with Presidential doctor Sean Conley who stated, “Worse case scenario we will just inject all the players with hydroxychloroquine…. as long as they don’t kneel for the anthem.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the current death toll of the pandemic in the United States crests 160,000 people (in six months) which is almost 3 times as many deaths as American soldiers were killed in Vietnam (in 20 years)

Minnesota United Hoping To Shed Underdog Narrative And Graduate To Simply Being A Dog

Orlando, Frorida - Major League Soccer (MLS) team Minnesota United announced, today, their hope that if they win the MLS Is Back The Tournament tournament that they will shed their underdog title and graduate to simply being a dog.

THIS is no simple under dog. No, indeed.

“Hopefully we can be something majestic like an Irish Setter or a Golden Retriever,” stated head coach Adrian Heath. “Some of the team is hoping that we could become a Bernese Mountain Dog while others are looking for one of those beautiful blue Pitbulls to become. Either way we are hoping that eventually our success will graduate us to full dog status.”

Sources within the team indicate that many players are frustrated with the constant underdog narrative that they feel is perpetuated by the media.

“It’s a lie,” stated one anonymous player. “If you look at our results this year we absolutely deserve to be where we are. We aren’t an underdog, we are a majestic German Shepherd in flight across a green field with a beautiful lake stocked with walleye. We are a noble Australian Shepherd focused on the task ahead such as fording the mighty Kabetogama lake in a hand made canoe on our way to cross the Koochiching with nothing more than a tarp and a flint and tinder. We are a dog and we demand to be treated as such.”

Despite the irritation of the team, however, some media figures continue to push the underdog narrative.

“They aren’t a dog,” stated Taylor Twellman. “They are an UNDERdog. UNDER. DOG. Un.Der.Dog. WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the underdogs ask to meet Snoop Dog to receive his blessing.