Offseason Group Therapy Session Cancelled After Supporters Can't Agree On Time, Place, Therapist Or Name

WASHINGTON - A proposed peace building group therapy session between different members of D.C. United’s supporters groups was reportedly cancelled after the supporters couldn’t agree on a time, place, therapist or name for the group.

“I told everyone that true United fans use Dr. Feldman and only fucking front office, boot kissing shills would use Dr. Allen,” stated one anonymous D.C. United fan.

Speaking individually to our reporter, long time fans indicate that the therapy session was supposed to work out the differences between different groups in the supporters section but fell apart due to acrimony over literally every single decision.

“Some of this goes back to the time 14 years ago when Bob wouldn’t listen to the Carlos about some Eskandarian display he wanted to do. This is some old blood shit,” stated one fan who refused to be identified.

“I wasn’t going to go to therapy if the group was called United Together Eagles For Change” stated one fan who identified himself via emails as RFKOldHead. “This was a deliberate attempt to sabotage all the gains we built during the mediation sessions over whether this would be a Freudian therapy session, primal scream therapy, or perhaps some kind of Ayahuasca ceremony in a specialty built Quonset hut on the field in RFK Stadium.”

Arguments reportedly broke out immediately over the date as the groups had different opinions on the availability of members and whether Friday was a good day to do anything with the weekend coming up.

“MONDAY IS A DAY FOR DICKHEADS,” read a particularly sternly worded email that was allegedly sent around to the leaders of the Monday Movement Society, a paramilitary organization dedicated to decentralized therapy and spreading the blame.

With talks breaking down, fans say they are returning to their regular online and in-person sniping at each other as leaders work towards another tense peace.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as dream journals are passed out to all season ticket holders in the supporters group section.

Orlando City Fan Finally Unburdens Herself From This Season In Instagram Comments

Orlando, FL - Lacking any other alternative to talk about her frustrations, Orlando City fan Stephanie Halmon unburdened herself in the Instagram comments of an Orlando City post from earlier this month.

“I just couldn’t take it anymore,” stated Halmon to The Nutmeg News. “I was scrolling back through the posts and I had to vent all my frustration.”

Halmon stated that she finds it difficult to actually have a conversation with other soccer fans as they either talk over her or just ignore what she is saying.

“It’s just easier to really vent on Instagram,” stated the 32 year old CNA from Orlando. “I saw that picture of James O’Connor and I finally had enough.”

According to people who follow the account, what followed by Halmon was a diatribe the like of which would get her blocked by the official account if they actually went through their comments to read them as Halmon laid out all the frustrations she felt over the last few years.

“I finally feel light again,” stated Halmon as she posted another dagger in the comments section of an Orlando City post on Facebook. “I just was carrying so much negativity from the season. It was starting to poison anything that had to do with sports. Now I feel like I can really start enjoying the next season as soon as the front office unblocks me from Twitter.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Halmon starts posting harsh commentary to the Orlando City Instagram account again after 10 minutes of the first game of 2020.

Investigation Launched Into, "Never LAFCer," Fans Who Allegedly Bought Tickets To Embarrass True Fans

LOS ANGELES - After Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) lost the Western Conference Semi-Final 3-1 amid a shower of garbage, beers, and debris on the field, 32 of the 968 owners of the franchise including Lead Managing Owner Larry Berg and Co-Managing Owner Brandon Beck and Co-Managing Owner Bennett Rosenthal and Executive Chairman And Owner Peter Guber and President and Owner Tom Penn and Vice-Chairman and Owner Henry Nguyen and Director and Owner Ruben Gnanalingam and Director and Owner Vincent Tan and Owner Will Ferrell and Owner Tony Robbins and Owner Mia Hamm Garciaparra and Owner Earvin Johnson and Owner Chad Hurley all announced that they would launch an investigation into the purported, “Never LAFCer,” fans who allegedly bought tickets to the event in order to embarrass the home fans by throwing trash on the field.

Rimando clearly brought the beer himself to embarrass LAFC fans and had a plant in the stands!

“Yesterday’s Never LAFCer fans could NOT be true LAFC fans,” stated the assigned spokesman for the LAFC ownership group. “How come they (including the ESPN) found NOTHING about true LAFC fans when they looked at the footage?”

According to a released statement, the owners of LAFC indicated that their true fans were, “Not at fault for the display in the stands and the actions that were clearly a part of a rogue state operation by Soros funded operatives from Seattle and agitated ANTIFA leftists that infiltrated the stands with the help of Galaxy fans from CARSON.”

The spokesman for LAFC indicated that, “Never LAFCer fans were seen by our true LAFC fans throwing garbage onto the field. We know it, they know it and when we spoke to our fans they indicated that no true LAFC fan would do such a thing. There are 18 1/2 minutes of missing footage from the security cameras. Does this not bother anyone else here? Our true fans responded well to this loss. It was the best loss. The response was the best response. The most humble. A perfect response to a loss.”

After reporters asked questions about previous escapades of throwing debris and trash onto the field from last year, the response was a vehement denial by the LAFC spokesman as he stated, “Look at Orlando City. Look at Columbus. Look at Sporting Kansas City. These are all places where this takes place. They send their worst to us in order to embarrass the greatest team in the league. We will investigate and we will find the truth.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this LAFC appoints a task force to investigate the task force investigating the rogue state fans.

USWNT Fans Criticize New Coach Vlatko Andonovski For Tactics And Player Selections

NEW YORK - Despite only being officially appointed approximately 60 minutes ago, head coach Vlatko Andonovski was roundly criticized on Twitter and online forums for his lack of tactics and player selections by fans of the United States Women’s National Team.

WELCOME TO THUNDERDOME!

“How could he let HAO retire?” screamed Carla Whethersby of Staten Island. “HAO. HAO. HAO. HAO? Has he seen NOTHING from this team over the past few years? WHAT A MORON.”

Others online were quick to judge the new head coach for his tactics despite the fact that Andonovski has not coached a single game for the defending World Cup champions. James Marshall, a USWNT fan from Seattle was incensed as he claimed, “Vlatko doesn’t have a clue, we are playing that route 1 shit and not going to have anything good going forward and all you have to look is the players. They aren’t going to want to play unattractive soccer. They already had to overcome the past coach and win in spite of her awful techniques.”

Still other fans went at Andonovski for his record as some of the USWNT fans were doubtful that he could produce at this level.

“WHAT HAS HE EVER WON,” stated Cyndi Guzman of Youngstown, Ohio. “No one … NO ONE cares about the NWSL. Winning in that league is basically a coin flip. He’s going into the REAL women’s game now. Ugh.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans that previously spent the last 8 years complaining about Jill Ellis suddenly compare her to a saint.

Watershed Moment For US Soccer Celebrated By MLS Pundits For 9th Time

NEW YORK - Pundits that cover Major League Soccer celebrated the 9th time they’ve referenced a “Watershed moment for US Soccer” as they crowed over the victory, team and fanbase of Los Angeles Football Club after they eliminated the Los Angeles Galaxy from the MLS Playoffs on Thursday night.

HOORAY! WE FINALLY CRACKED IT!

“This… THIS is the moment that US Soccer really catches on,” stated MLS Pundit Roger Haverforth. “I know we’ve said this in the past but this time… THIS is the time it’s going to happen.”

Research indicates that pundits previously claimed that the watershed moment in US Soccer was the formation of Major League Soccer in 1993, the debut of D.C. United and their passionate fanbase in 1996, the debut of the Chicago Fire and their passionate fanbase in 1998, the opening of Mapfre Stadium, the first soccer-specific stadium built for an MLS team, in Columbus in 1999, the debut of Toronto FC and their passionate fanbase in 2007, the acquisition of David Beckham by the LA Galaxy in 2007, the debut of the Seattle Sounders and their passionate fanbase in 2009, the debut of the Portland Timbers and their passionate fanbase in 2011, the debut of Atlanta United and their passionate fanbase in 2017, and now the debut of Los Angeles Football Club and their passionate fanbase in 2018, all of which ensured that the television ratings plummeted in 2019 by 19% overall.

“THIS… THIS is the moment the world wakes up,” stated MLS Pundit Harry Shields. “You can’t watch this game and not be swept up into soccer.”

According to those watching from home, many were unable to watch the game as they started trying to watch it on ESPN, then switched to ESPN2, then had ESPN2 switch to sports center and then switched back to ESPN in order to catch up.

Our reporters spoke to soccer fan Barry Williams from Omaha who stated that he tried to watch the Real Salt Lake playoff game against the Portland Timbers only to find that he had no way to watch ESPN News.

“If they want me to actually watch games they should probably make it easier for me to watch games,” stated Williams. “I’m just going to watch the rest of the World Series and call it good.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a Watershed Moment is celebrated again as the next round of teams come into Major League Soccer.

Fan Blames Difficult Red Bull New York Season On The Actions Of People He Doesn't Like On Twitter

NEW YORK - Stating, “It’s all their fault,” Red Bull New York fan Andrew Reynolds, in a 10 part tweet hashtagged to #RBNY, laid the blame for the Red Bull season at the feet of under-performing and perpetually gloomy fans who just couldn’t get behind the team.

“It’s not their fault…. It’s YOUR fault.”

“If we actually had a home field environment then we would’ve won the league,” stated Reynolds to The Nutmeg News. “Clearly the team read the opinions of all the gloomy-gus fans out there that were trying to stab them in the back on Twitter. If we had more forced optimism then we would’ve made it to MLS Cup and won the Supporters Shield this season.”

Reynolds claimed that a number of fans are perpetually unhappy with the team and the organization as he stated, “The boys on the field tried their best and so did the coaching staff. You can’t blame the coach for the team not winning at home. Everyone knows that we lost at home to Colorado because @MetroFeverish talked about how much he disliked Armas online. That kind of Twitter thread is the kind of thing that completely destabilizes a locker room.. It’s almost like all these fans just expect the players to be able to win at home even though the some fans keeping talking shit about Chris Armas and Denis Hamlett on Twitter.”

Reynolds continued his online missive as he blamed the investment level of Red Bull Austria in the team on the fans as well as he claimed, “Why would they want to invest money in something where, as you know, Joe Delulo as @RedAndBlackOriginals was talking about them not caring. I don’t care what anyone says, these corporations have feelings and if the fans are constantly insulting them it only makes sense when they don’t buy a good midfielder next year.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Reynolds blames the retirement of Connor Lade on @MetroFeverish who once described Lade as “Trade Bait”

Youth Coach Quits Coaching In Order To Work A Second Job To Afford USSF Coaching Licenses

Dallas, TX - Youth soccer coach Jesus Garcia stated that he would be leaving his position as the head soccer coach for the u-14, u-10, and u-8 Highland Park Diablos in order to get a second job that would allow him to save up for the cost of taking the additional USSF coaching licenses he needs in order to continue coaching soccer as a career.

“Does anyone here know how to run a transitional rondo?”

“I just don’t have the money or the time to make the money or the ability to take the time off,” stated Garcia to The Nutmeg News. “I thought that I’d be able to figure out a way to make it happen, but I’m going to need to make a lot more money if I want to afford the tens of thousands of dollars it’s going to take for me to get up to the higher level of licensing.”

Friends state that Garcia is a well respected soccer coach who fully understands how to drill, train and get the best out of his charges. He just lacks the thousands and tens of thousands of dollars necessary to increase his license holding with the US Soccer Federation.

“I know he could be a great asset to the federation or to a club team,” stated good friend Ivan De León. “But the B license alone is three thousand dollars and takes 4 to 5 months worth of time including in person training sessions and all the previous licensing you need just to apply. He just doesn’t have the time to coach soccer and learn the tests that will allow him to coach soccer.”

Garcia, for his part, sees this as just part of the journey you have to take in order to try to make it to a professional level in the United States.

“I always knew that the path to being a coaching professional in the United States would involve me quitting soccer in order to take a job as a bartender so that I can try to save up a bunch of money to enroll in a bunch of semi-standardized testing that may or may not pan out in a few years and $15,000 later.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garcia gives up on his dream after finding out that the pro course alone is $10,000 and he needs to buy a new car because his Nissan Altima has 350,423 miles on it and he can’t make it for the closing shift on time if it won’t start during the winter.

Sacramento Republic Fan Immediately Regrets Team Move To Major League Soccer

Sacramento, CA - Long campaigning for his team to move to Major League Soccer, Sacramento Republic fan Paul Sanchez admitted that he felt an immediate wave of sickening regret as he watched the MLS announcement presentation.

BACK IN THE OOOOOOOOOOOOLDEN DAYS!

“Dear God in heaven…. what have we done,” stated Sanchez to the celebrating groups of fans that ignored him. “I …. oh… um… I think we made a mistake.”

Sanchez reportedly spent the last three years trying everything in his power to get the team into Major League Soccer as he battled his own ever increasing feelings that perhaps this wasn’t the league he wanted his team to be a part of in the first place.

“So now we have to deal with increased team security, increased fan security, increased league security, increased supporters group visibility, playing against teams financed by billionaires and a mercurial rules system that seems to favor the teams with huge financial pockets….. yeah, this is going to be something.”

Sanchez admitted that he was likely in the minority of Republic fans, most of whom spent the day celebrating, however this didn’t stop him from stating his concerns to everyone around him as they accused him of being a rain cloud.

“I’m just saying that all you have to do is look at the way the league is this year, and the way they handled things with fans over the past few years and all the stuff we are going to have to do just to coordinate away travel or watch our team play on the road. Who the hell has ESPN News? Just come back and talk to me after you write something on how we are going to construct a lineup with TAM and GAM and all that shit. It was just approximately a year and a half ago that a team like Columbus was moving to Austin because the league.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sanchez tries to cheer himself up by claiming that none of the stuff that has happened to other fans and teams in the league could ever happen in Sacramento.

Survival Stores Announce Run On Camouflage As LA Galaxy Advance To Play LAFC In MLS Playoffs

LOS ANGELES - Survival stores around the Los Angeles area are reporting a mass run on camouflage outfits, bandannas, hats, balaclavas and associated camouflage face paint as the Los Angeles Galaxy defeated Minnesota United to advance in the Major League Soccer (MLS) playoffs to face Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC).

LAFC fans consult with tactical advisers on the movie set of Red Dawn.

Photo By (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 2nd Class Rob Aylward/Released)

“We are seeing mass purchases from soccer fans,” stated Dean Whethers of SurvivaLA. “These people are coming in and buying anything that we have from Disruptive Pattern Camouflage used by the Australian Defence Force to Flecktarn which was used by Kyrgyzstan and Poland to the limited edition Type 07 “07 海洋迷彩作训服” Oceanic Camouflage used by the Naval Vessel Crew in China. It doesn’t really seem to matter where they are going to be, they just want that Camouflage look.”

Fans state that they are focused on disappearing, “for the boys,” as they stock up on survivalist gear, military surplus items and anything camouflage related.

“I’m planning on bringing an exotic Russian MRE in to the stadium to avoid the food prices,” stated LAFC fan Sam Guzman. “It’s really going to fit in with my head to toe camouflage and tactical facepaint that I learned to apply by watching old videos of Sting from the WCW,.”

Players have stated that they are concerned that the camouflage designed to prepare the fans for war would erode their home-field advantage as the fans will blend into the limitless woods that border the Banc of California stadium, but they stated, “regardless of whether we can see them or not, we should still be able to hear them.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans announce they are preparing for war…. by ensuring they order a Lyft that they can share with a couple friends to keep the cost down and make it to the stadium early enough in order to tailgate before the game.

Red Bulls Supporter Finally Ready To Unveil Completely Original Player Song For Juan Pablo Angel

NEW YORK - Red Bull supporter Kevin Anderson stated that he was finally ready to unveil his completely original player song for retired Red Bull New York player Juan Pablo Angel roughly 14 years after Angel played his last game for the team.

Everyone remember this time? No? Are we all agreeing this never happened? No? Ok, carry on.

“I never loved that There’s Only One Pablo Angel song,” stated Anderson to The Nutmeg News. “It wasn’t befitting of a player of his stature and influence. So in about 2009 I started on a project to come up with a completely original, never referenced by any other supporters group or soccer club, totally new song for JPA.”

According to friends and fellow supporters, Anderson was obsessed with the idea and continued working even after Angel left the team in 2010.

“He just kept forging ahead,” stated good friend Danny Stevens. “He refused to sing anything at all for JPA while he was here as he kept saying that all the ideas that were tried or suggested were terrible and not worthy of who he was as a player.”

Anderson continued his quixotic quest by researching every team in England for every player chant they’ve ever done, the melody for it and the relevance of the song to popular culture before he moved on to leagues in Europe..

“It was important to be thorough” state Anderson. “I attempted to run through the catalog of soul classics, 80’s new wave, classic rock, stoner rock, Electro dance pop, K-pop, Broadway musicals and even a small dalliance on the usability of spoken word poems from the 1800s. In the end I realized that the only way to be original was to create an entirely new form of music for him that no one has ever heard before.”

Fellow Red Bull fan Alyssa Gutierrez stated that she had Andersons new song played for her.

“I can honestly agree that it is absolutely and completely original,” stated Gutierrez as she appeared to be choosing her words very delicately.

For his part, Anderson remains satisfied by his effort as, “long last we have a song that is worthy of the player that he was nine years ago.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson attempts to figure out how to sing the song for Angel now that he is retired.

Canadian Soccer Fans Admit Concern After Men's Team Barely Defeats Local CONCACAF Minnow

TORONTO - Despite a 2-0 victory over CONCACAF minnow The United States, Canadian fans voiced their concerns for the future as they tried to figure out what, if any, talking points they would be able to take from the game.

“2-0 against that team? It should’ve been 5-0,” stated Wayne McKenzie of Red Deer.

“We only scored two goals against a team that couldn’t make it to the World Cup,” stated Daryl Thorton of Saskatoon. “Granted we weren’t at full strength but I expect better when we play these jokers.”

For her part, Katy Anderson of St Johns stated, “I think that the United States is better than we give them credit, and they really made our boys work. However, we all know that we should’a won that game by at least three goals. Anything else against players like that would be considered a complete failure.”

Sports Writer Dan Allen, of the Toronto Picayune, stated that he understood the difficulties the fans face when trying to understand the game.

“Of course the Men should’ve done better against the United States, but I keep telling everyone that you don’t play the games on paper. If all we did as a country was endlessly navel gaze over the possible potential of players that aren’t living up to the their actions then we likely would have to blame all of the issues this team may have on anything but the men on the field for the result. Thankfully the result was still a victory and I think Canadian soccer fans can appreciate that victory regardless of the fact that they barely beat a team that lost to Jamaica and Venezuela this year.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Canadian fans become worried about the upcoming rematch in …. wait……. what tournament is this? The NATIONS cup? Oh good grief.

Crew Fan Schedules Time To Learn The Words To Songs He's Been Faking His Way Through For The Past Two Years

Columbus, OH - With the 2019 season finally over, Columbus Crew fan Jeremy Reynolds indicated that he was actually going to schedule some time to learn the words to the various supporters group songs he has been faking his way through for the past two years.

What does this photo have to do with this story? We don’t really know. We just think it’s really funny. You know what? YOU figure it out with your big brains and suggestions.

“I’ve been just kinda doing that church thing where you open and shut your mouth at a low volume repeating things like watermelon and peace be with you and inserting the word Crew in various places,” stated Reynolds to The Nutmeg News. “I swear that the 2019 offseason is going to be the time where I actually learn the songs.”

Fans standing next to Mr. Reynolds in the Nordecke indicate that they always suspected he didn’t know what he was doing as they stated, “You know…. I always thought that whatever it was that he was doing didn’t necessarily look right.”

Friend Roman Wakes stated that he attempted to stand next to Mr. Reynolds and sing very loudly but that, “I don’t think that Jeremy really got what I was doing and he just kinda said CREW CREW CREW CREW CREW CREW CREW a few times very loudly. I asked him if we were at a Chicago Fire game and he just glared at me.”

Mr. Reynolds indicated however, that he officially penciled in a song-learning time on the 22nd of November and he plans on sticking to it.

“There will be NO distractions on a Friday evening for this 25 year old Crew fan,” stated Reynolds. “I’m going to look up all the references and words making certain I have them right for the 2020 season.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Reynolds is invited out for beers, forgets completely about his appointment and decides… “Ah, fuck it… I have plenty of time to do this in February.”

Man Running For Supporters Group President Really Regretting @BongHitzForGoalz Twitter Handle

Des Moines, IA - Larry Henderson, a passionate fan of the Des Moines Victory AC Sporting Club, stated privately that he is really regretting his choice of the Twitter handle @BongHitzForGoalz as he announced his candidacy for the available president position for the Corn State Ultras supporters group.

Mr Henderson hasn’t changed his profile picture since November of 2012.

“If I knew that I was going to be doing this seven years ago, I likely would’ve picked something less… um……….. controversial?” stated Henderson to The Nutmeg News.

Supporters within the Corn State Ultras admitted that the handle of BongHitzForGoalz polarized opinions on Henderson in both directions as the fans attempted to decide whether they wanted him to represent the group.

“I personally don’t care if someone DOES smoke … um… the marijuana,” stated Corn State Ultras member Joshua West. “But, honestly… we need a professional perspective and a professional presence going forward and I ask myself whether BongHitzForGoalz will effectively be able to communicate our positions. Everyone would be a lot more comfortable if he just started drinking a lot more, if I’m going to be completely honest.”

Straight Edge subgroup DeX Moines Deny Lads, whose total official membership was announced as 3, stated that they were absolutely opposed to candidacy of Henderson as they released a statement which proclaimed, “NO SIRRENDOR,” and contained a picture of their hands in a circle with the Straight Edge X drawn in Sharpie upon them.

For his part, Henderson indicates that he understands the reluctance of some fans within the supporters group, but he states that he can’t really change his account until after the election as everyone in the community knows him, now, as @BongHitzForGoalz.

“I get it, I really do, and I mostly don’t entirely do bong hits anymore after a goal,” stated Henderson. “Sometimes I like to do a light vape, smoke a portion of a pre-roll, or perhaps I just enjoy settling into a nice edible ride. That shouldn’t really have any bearing on my ability to be the supporters group president. I’ve already made the announcement that I plan on changing my account to @LhenSoccer if I win.”

When asked if he will change handle should he lose the election, Henderson stated that he would as, “I’m creating a locked shadow account for my friends with the handle of @DabsForRedCardz.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Henderson wins the election in a landslide despite having exactly zero conversations about anything to do with the Supporters Group for the last four months.

EDITORS NOTE: After publication of this piece, Mr Henderson stated to our reporter that he decided to change his twitter handle.

USWNT Fan More Concerned With Imagined Relationship Than Actual Relationship

Roanoke, VA - United States Women’s Soccer fan Tabitha Stewart is, reportedly, more concerned with the imagined relationship between National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) players Tobin Heath and Christen Press than the actual relationship she has with girlfriend Angie Fettering as Stewart ignored the repeated requests to go to a movie on Saturday night so that she could analyze a video that showed Heath and Press hugging for the 232nd time.

“Ang, come look at this again,” stated Stewart to the empty chair that Fettering was sitting in before she left to go to the bathroom. “ANG! WHERE ARE YOU?”

According to friends, Stewart spent the last few months obsessed with the idea that Heath and Press were dating as she started 15 different Instagram accounts that all copy the memes and pictures she self selects to show some kind of purported evidence.

“CLEARLY, CLEARLY you can see them holding hands here. CLEARLY. Look, she’s staring at her as she removes her training top. LOOK. OVER, and then glance…. OVER AND THEN GLANCE……OVER………. AND THEN A GLANCE,” stated Stewart as she frenetically updated her blog www.loversundercovers.com

Friends state that Stewart’s passion for the team turned into an obsession with the duo as she stated that she has to be the first person to find definitive proof the two are dating.

“Yeah, I think she’s lost it a bit,” stated good friend Bromwyn Alexander. “I used to go over and watch games with her and Ang, but now she just keeps rewinding insignificant moments and glances that she claims are part of a large conspiracy. Ang asked me to help her talk to Tab, but honestly… no. I’m not getting involved in that.”

For her part, Ms Fettering stated that she thought it was all innocent at first as she claimed, “look at first I thought it was just kinda fun. You know… like just trying to guess who wasn’t out on the team, but …. well… we’ve probably gone on less dates over the past six months than Press, Heath or whomever the two are dating. At this point I need to know if I’m going to have my girlfriend back who can actually go to a bar without updating her Insta page with pictures of the two.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this after our recent “will they or won’t they” clickbait gossip piece with our updated full page advertising.

We Conducted A Nationwide Survey Regarding Which Team Random People Think Will Win The MLS This Year

Researches with The Nutmeg News Institute (TNNI) conducted a nationwide survey of random people in the United States, the eastern part of New Brunswick and the western area of Dorchester off the A35 but north of the A37 next to the Bramble Cafe and Deli in Poundbury regarding who they think will win the Major League Soccer this year.

Their responses may shock and surprise you but reflect the national level of confidence in the overall state of teams within the league.

Question - Which Team Do You Think Will Win The MLS?

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Answer #5 - “What The Hell Are You Talking About?”

When asked “which team will win the MLS this year,” the fifth most replied response was, “what the hell are you talking about,” a bold choice according to statisticians.

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Answer #4 - “Probably Whatever Team Landon Donovan Is On”

(Chadd Cady / Chadd Cady)

The fourth most given answer came from random people who weren’t certain if Landon Donovan was still playing and if he is still playing, which team he currently represents.

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Answer #3 - “Manchester City”

The league dominant team was given a fairly decent chance of winning the competition as fans attempted to figure out if they should panic in the early season due to the results from last weekend.

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Answer #2 - “Re/Max”

The international real estate company was picked to be the possible winner of the Multiple Listing Service (MLS) by many of the people our researchers spoke with as they indicated that despite a softening of the global real estate market they believe that it can do better given what’s happening with job creation and the historically low mortgage rate that is currently in place.is having the market under-perform relative to its value.

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Answer #1 - “The Golden State Warriors”

By far, the number one answer given was the Golden State Warriors. Experts indicate that with two championships in the past three years that this remains an odds on favorite to make it to the championship despite what may be a transition year.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we work with our pollsters to establish a list of teams that people have to pick from.

Season Ticket Renewal Event Reduced To Postcard That States, "Hey, Shitlord. Are You Renewing Or Not?"

Santa Rosa, CA - Exhausted after 20 years of trying to appease their season ticket holders, public relations executives for FC Santa Rosa Atletico United SC reportedly reduced their previous attempts at wooing renewals from a bombastic event to a simple postcard that reads, “Hey, Shitlord. Are you renewing or not? Give us your money.”

“We love our fans, but honestly we are just tired. At this point they know that we just need their money and we are really tired of asking for it every single year,” stated the manager of season ticket renewals Dale Henderson.

Fans of the club state that the appreciation gifts and renewal packages increasingly became more and more sparse as they transitioned from a full presentation, gift and team interaction situation into a postcard with three sentences on it.

“I remember when they showed up at my door with our captain and midfielder Connar McCavin to surprise me for a viral video and gave me a mahogany inlaid box with a piece of a kit from the inaugural season,” stated 20 year season ticket holder Paul Gutierrez. “These days the only benefit I got was that they wrote the postcard to me by hand due to the longevity of my season ticket renewals.”

Not all fans disagreed with the new attempt to force renewals as front office fanboy Derrick Foley indicated his agreement with the technique.

“I’d rather they spend the money on the field than on myself,” stated Foley to The Nutmeg News. “They could step on my junk and call me Stephen as long as they buy a new fullback for next season.”

This statement, however, clashed with that of the team as one insider stated, “They aren’t spending that money on the field either. They just didn’t want to spend it on the fans. This team needs to turn a profit somehow.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the renewal notification next season is just a bag of Elephant Feces with a note stapled to it that says, “tickets?”

"I'm Ready For The Season To Be Over," States Woman Who Voluntarily Paid $864 For Two Season Tickets

Orlando, FL - After another disappointing Major League Soccer campaign that brought to mind the eternal disappointment of her u-12 rec league team from 20 years ago, Carla Overbeek stated that she was, “ready for the season to be over,” as she conveniently forgot the $864 dollars that she paid for two 2019 season tickets.

Photo by Chris Green, Stadium Journey

Anyone actually renewing for 2020? Anyone? ANYONE?!

“It’s just been another disappointing year and I’m tired of going to the stadium to have it be frustrating,” stated Overbeek to The Nutmeg News. “Half the time I can’t even find someone to take my other ticket when my girlfriend can’t go.”

Overbeek stated that she spent the past two months making her peace with the end of the season and she was just done with all of it for a while.

“I just need to decompress and stop going to games. I love the team, but good grief I need a break. I was hoping that if I added in some Pride tickets that it would salvage the season but that turned out to be a way to completely burn myself out.”

Friends indicate that Overbeek hinted at just dropping her Orlando City tickets and going all in on the Pride where the prices are cheaper, but that she just can’t seemingly quit the team she began following all those years ago.

“I already renewed for 2020. God, what the hell am I doing with my life?”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as by January Overbeek deludes herself into thinking that the secondary market will help sell her extras next year.

No One In Front Office Remembers Password To Spanish Language Twitter Account

Yuma, AZ - According to reports, no one with the Yuma Futbol Club United front office actually remembers the password to the @YumaEnEspanol soccer account that was set up for Spanish language information and tweets over three and a half years ago.

Yuma FCU recently hired Dan Evans, a new part-time social media coordinator, and he quickly asked about the defunct account.

“What they are telling me is that the last time this thing was updated was during our playoff run a couple years ago,” stated Evans to our reporter. “It sounds like they found someone at that time that was helping out with the team to update the account before he moved on to a job with a USL squad.”

Evans stated that he thought the club could do a better job of attracting fans if they reached out to a more diverse crowd.

“I think it would be great to have more fans out to our games but no one with this team really speaks Spanish. I mean, I just recently learned about Elotes and I love Pinatas and Burritos…… Can I run a twitter account off google translate?

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Evans attempts to craft a really distinct Spanish language Twitter account after two weeks of using Duolingo.

Brad Friedel Slates News Media For Not Reporting All The Vicious Beatings Of Players By Fans That Turned This Revolution Team Around

Foxborough, MA - From the parking lot of the Bass Pro Shops where he held an impromptu press conference, former head coach Brad Friedel reportedly castigated the, “corrupt news media,” for allegedly not reporting, “all the vicious beatings of players by fans that turned this Revolution team around.”

Winslow Townson-USA TODAY Sports

OPEN YOUR EYES, SHEEPLE

Friedel stated that it was his belief that Revolution fans took his previous words insinuating that players should be afraid for their well being and acted upon them after he was unceremoniously removed of duty.

“It’s very clear, when you look at this team, that Murph and Sully showed up to the parking lot and beat the living shit out of at least the backline,” stated Friedel to The Nutmeg News who had a reporter that happened upon the impromptu press conference as she was shopping for stink bait and waders. “You can see it in their eyes. They have the proper amount of fear and and respect for the effect a wooden bat can have on their body.”

New England Revolution officials state that no assaults have taken place and referred any requests to the police department as they stated, “This is pure lunacy. None of our players have been attacked by anyone and we will not broach that subject.”

For his part, Friedel stated, “Of COURSE they would say that. They are in a secret cabal to repress the news of the nightly assaults that happen in the parking lots. There’s no explanation other than a collection of really brutal individuals have been picking out a player and beating them into the MLS team of the week.”

The Nutmeg News reached out to the Town Of Foxborough Police Department who stated that they would not comment on any matters, but that no crime was reported at or near the parking lots of the stadium.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Brad Friedel starts his own news network called SoccerWARZ to spread the REAL TRUTH ABOUT THE REVOLUTION.