Top 10 Most Viewed Posts Of 2019

US Soccer Announces Player-Coach Option For Youth Teams

CHICAGO (and ONLY CHICAGO) - The United States Soccer Federation (USSF) today announced a new initiative of appointing player-coach options on their men’s and women’s youth teams after a number of vacancies were noticed from the U-23 level to the U-16 level.

“It’s time we admit that the players know more than we do,” stated Generalissimo Berhalter. “We are appointing a rotating player-coach that will gain the necessary skills to apply for an A Level license once they graduate the U-23s after 7 years in our program.”

US Soccer stated that they would be selecting the player-coach for each team via Rock-Paper-Scissors competition as they indicate that competitiveness and strategy must be essential for all coaching appointees.

“We don’t want a weak coach coming in here throwing paper when what we need is a coach who knows how to dominate with scissors,” stated Carlos Cordeiro. “We understand that our U-16 players requested the ability to throw dynamite and while we respect their initiative we need them to stay within the framework of the guidelines given to USSF coaches on page 32 of the A level exam which dictates that dynamite is not allowed within the laws of USSF Ro-Sham-Bo.”

For their part, US Soccer announced that the youth teams for the US Women would be appointing one player coach from one team to manage all eight levels of divisions from U-16 to U-23 as the USSF shot down the idea that they are dividing talent unequally.

“We can only supply the women with one head coach as the revenue doesn’t indicate that they should have more. If they want more than one 16 year old coaching the 23 year old team they should get in line and sue us with the rest of North America.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the appointed player/coach for the U-17 men’s team considers a one time nationality switch to literally anywhere.

American Liverpool Fan Spending Most Of His Time Telling Everyone He Was A Fan Before 2018

Denver, CO - Troy Williams, a Liverpool fan from Denver, stated that most of his conversations about Liverpool over the past week centered around him telling everyone that he was a fan way before 2018 as he tried to calm the suspicion that he is just a typical glory hunting American fan.

“Yes, they’ve been doing great, but I must tell you that I was a fan before 2018 and it hasn’t always been this easy,” stated Williams for the 32nd time this week to a stranger he met at a watch party for the recent Liverpool v Wolverhampton game. “Trust me when I tell you it hasn’t always been winning points and collecting trophies, oh no.”

Williams reportedly spent the entirety of his Christmas visit to his in-laws house telling his brother-in-law how difficult it was just 5 years ago as he nauseatingly recounted the 2014-15 season with intense details.

“And then we barely qualified for the Europa league that year, it wasn’t all blood and thunder and glory like it looks like now. Bear in mind that no true Liverpool fan will feel comfortable with this lead in the league until the day after the season ends and the defeat in London to Aston Villa in April in the FA cup was truly an awful cherry on top of a supremely difficult year way back then,” stated Williams as the eyes of his brother-in-law Robbie glazed over after innocently asking, “how’s that soccer thing going for ya?”

As Williams pointed out to our reporter he steadfastly remained a fan of Liverpool since randomly picking them as his team on FIFA 2012 as he pointed out, “we weren’t favorites THAT year, oh no. We weren’t running out Mo Salah and Sadio Mane, oh no. If you look at my old game saves you will see the difficulty we had with the squad depth that year after we only finished in 7th.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams asks for an editorial on our publication in order to really let everyone know that he was a fan before 2018 and that he isn’t another glory hunting fan.

Family Announces VAR Will Mediate Holiday Disputes

Seattle, WA - The Thompsons, of the Capitol Hill neighborhood in Seattle, announced today that all holiday disputes would now be judged by VAR as they finished the installation of high framerate video cameras throughout the external and internal areas of their house.

“We needed to announce the law change before the extended family arrives on Monday,” stated Katie Thompson to The Nutmeg News. “And we are excited to take the human judgement out of the equation as it relates to important plays and family conflict.”

Sources within the family indicate that The Thompsons ran a test program of VAR over the Thanksgiving holiday as they attempted to work out any issues involved with rolling out the system for the upcoming season.

“It was important for us to have a period where we used the technology out of season to verify that it would work,” stated family Commissioner Linda “Grandmother” O'Hara. “VAR was officially used for the first time to instruct a referee on whether Aunt Phyllis actually brought a dish to share or not. The casserole dish she claimed was not given and credit was removed.”

The Thompsons indicate that they’ve instructed the original family referees to consult VAR on the case of a dispute over recipe infringement, excessive political fouls, penalties related to oversharing, red cards given for violent and unnecessary flatulence, rants that start with “back in my day”, offside calls relating to cousin on cousin interaction, conversation own goals, and mistaken identity stories.

“We utilized Gift Credit Technology last season and reports were highly positive,” stated O’Hara. “It really helped identify which gift giver scored and whether there were any secondary assists.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Cousin Denny Lindholm stages a series of extraordinary in-livingroom protests over VAR decisions regarding the ownership of peanut butter cup THC edibles.

Whitecaps Fan Wanders Streets Of Vancouver Looking For Tank

Vancouver, BC - Whitecaps fan Colette Hastings stated that she has been wandering the streets of Vancouver for the past 20 minutes looking for a tank after the Whitecaps asked fans to take a picture in front of their custom tank in order to win a signed jersey from new signing Lucas Cavallini.

“This is my tank. there are many like it, but this one is mine. My tank is my best friend. It is my life.

“I went in front of BC Place and all I saw was an Armored Personnel Carrier,” stated Hastings to The Nutmeg News. “I’ve been looking for the last 20 minutes and I can’t see a single tank.”

Hastings reportedly started a Facebook group demanding access to the Seaforth Armoury as she claimed, “we will storm their perimeter and gain access if we must. Nothing can stand between us and a new signed Cavallini kit.”

Other Whitecaps fans argued with Hastings online that she was, in fact, looking at the so-called tank in the picture as Whitecaps social media devolved into technical specifications regarding Armored Personnel Carriers and whether anything with tracks is simply called a tank shorthand.

“I don’t care what anyone says,” stated Hastings. “I’ll be the first person to take my picture with this APC and I’ll be the first person to storm Seaforth. THE STREETS WILL BE OURS ONE EL ApcQUE OR ANOTHER.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hastings gathers 12,000 fans to sign up for storming the Armoury but only 10 people to agree what song they will sing when they do so.

New St. Louis Franchise Announces Rebrand Ahead Of 2022 Inaugural Season

St. Louis, MO - Public Relations officials for the 2022 MLS expansion side in St Louis stated that they would be unveiling a rebrand of their unreleased crest and team name ahead of their inaugural season.

Whatever they are doing they need to use some laurels. Never a bad time to include that.

“We felt like the time was right to announce a rebrand of our whole branding,” stated Donovan Williams of the expansion side. “With the upcoming season only a year or two away we thought it would be best to really show fans the impact of this new side moving to Major League Soccer.”

Insiders state that the new franchise will be transitioning away from using the old crest which the franchise will be using 9 months from now as they announce a new, new crest that they will be using 11 months from now.

“Rebrands are all the rage regardless of whether a team needs them or not,” stated one team insider. “We felt like right now was a great time to grab a bit of publicity.”

Brand historians expect that the new St. Louis crest will differ from the old unreleased crest in some way that will likely upset the fans they don’t have that haven’t seen it yet.

“We understand that there may be significant pushback from the fans we don’t currently have on the crest they haven’t seen that will be replacing the badge we never relased that replaced the mock up that was excellent that we decided against,” stated Williams. “We plan on defraying that by showing a bunch of videos of a street artist that no one knows spray painting murals that we paid to commission on public buildings. It’s gonna be great.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the rebrand of the rebrand of the rebrand goes off without a hitch.

Thorns Fan Now Local Expert On Australia

Portland, OR - According to sources, Portland Thorns fan Heather Williams is now the local expert on Australia after spending the past few months tracking players in Canberra, Brisbane, Melbourne and Sydney.

Apparently there are other Australian skylines that don’t have the Sydney Opera House.

“She’s become a fountain of information on everything to do with Australia,” stated good friend Steph Phillips. “At any time she is just talking about W-League games that she watched and random facts about the Australian cities where all the Thorns players are playing.”

According to friends, this obsession with the players overseas has merged into an obsession with the cities and country itself.

“Did you know that Canberra is the capital city of Australia,” asked Williams to her friends during a meet up for trivia night. “Did you know that Canberra is Australia’s largest inland city? Did you know that Melbourne Victory only have 4 points from 4 games and have a negative goal differential?”

Friends also indicate that Williams has been positively evangelical about encouraging friends to watch the W-League as she indicated that it was, “Totally easy to watch live games and all you have to do is subtract the day that you are on from the day you want to watch and stay up until 12:30 am the day of, or sometimes 10:00 pm the day before the day of the game for the non 7:30 pm games and understand that it is on ESPN + with a replay so that when you can’t figure out the timezone you can just cave and watch games the day after they happen.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams starts incorporating Australian slang into her repertoire as she rants about bogans.

Canadian Premier League On High Alert For SuperDraft Dodgers

TORONTO - Officials for the Canadian Premier League (CPL) announced that they were on high alert after rumors of MLS SuperDraft Dodgers began to swirl on the internet.

Where have all the flower children gone?

“We are here to welcome them into our league with open arms,” stated league commissioner David Clanachan. “If these League Resisters want to embrace our Canadian lifestyle of peace, hockey, curling, and sometimes soccer we welcome them eagerly into our boundless land from Pacific FC to the Halifax Wanderers.”

Our reporters spoke with one SuperDraft dodger who stated, “there is a fact that roughly 100,000 young soccer players will chose Canada rather than fighting in a league in which they don’t want to play. I crossed over at the Coutts border crossing in Alberta and my voice broke as the border guard questioned my AYSO uniform. However, now that I’m here I can say that I was welcomed with open arms.”

For their part, the league officials with Major League Soccer condemned the escaping players as, “draft evading traitors whose rights in this league will be enforced.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Commissioner Clanachan announces a new League Resister statue at the Ambassador Bridge.


"Why Can't We Make Soccer Less Complicated In This Country," States Man Still Paying Off $1,633 Ambulance Ride

Philadelphia, PA - Soccer fan Anthony Hughes took to the internet to complain about the current state of his favorite sport as he stated, “Why can’t we make soccer less complicated in this country,” while also opening up a browser page to make a payment on a $1,633 ambulance ride he took for a heart attack last year.

“I don’t care if I’m turning purple and clutching at the carpet, you DO NOT CALL THEM. Death is way more affordable.”

“I don’t understand why soccer has to be the way it is here,” stated Hughes as he simultaneously rebutted a number of comments on his Facebook page from parents who refuse to vaccinate their kids and claim he is trying to poison his daughter.

“It doesn’t make sense. We have the infrastructure to really make a splash on the world stage if we could figure things out,” stated Hughes as he tried to argued with someone on Reddit that black people deserve the right to not be killed in their own home by the police .

Hughes was reportedly upset after noticing the problems suffered by leagues, teams and players where it is clear that the game of soccer has settled in with the overarching arc of United States society towards discordant, sometimes depressing but very profitable chaos.

“It seems like all we need is someone who can actually come in with a plan that will emphasize the stability of the leagues and maximize the growth of the sport without compromising the fans that got the sport where it is,” stated Hughes as he attempted to figure whether or not his voter registration was mysteriously purged recently.

“Oh well, I guess it’ll get better after the next election when we get someone that really cares about the game,” stated Hughes as he repeated the same phrase he said recently about the upcoming 2020 election.

The Nutmeg News will always have more on this.

MLS And ESPN+ Announce Holiday Offer Of 15% Off The Number Of Available Games For 2020

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer and ESPN+ announced a Holiday Deal, today, of 15% off the number of games they will make available for streaming if you purchase a year subscription to ESPN+ for 2020 as they attempt to boost their online subscribers

Exclusions Will Apply.

“Give the gift of some live Major League Soccer games (exclusions may apply). You’ll get full access to all games for every team, mostly,” stated MLS director of streaming Ryan Bertrow.

“All our league focus groups indicates that fans want to watch fewer games. We want to ensure that every fan of Major League Soccer has the ability to click on a stream of a game they would like to view even if they can’t actually watch the game because our television contracts or streaming options prohibit the option.”

Fans state that they are excited for the game reduction as they cheer the move that would make ESPN and MLS more money.

“I’m excited for all the time I will get back by all the games I would’ve watched that are going to be locked,” stated one anonymous fan. “It’s really going to be amazing to try to click on a fun match-up, realize I can’t watch it and then switch to a Bundesliga game. Spending time with Munich instead of Chicago will make my subscription that much better.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as this still represents a great deal for all fanbases coming off of FloSports.

USL Winter Summit Day 2 Kicks Off With Conference On Spending Your Per Diem

Orlando, FL - Live from the palatial Renaissance Orlando at SeaWorld, the USL Winter Summit kicked off day 2 with a conference on appropriately getting everything that you can from your per diem as the conferences and meetings ran at high speed.

“and now a cost comparison rundown on the overall per diem value of Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits.”

“Know that while you may not be able to afford everything on room service that you definitely can get some great bang for your buck, if your team doesn’t require an itemized receipt, at the hotel gift shop,” stated Professor Lee Browning who hosted the conference.

With USL representatives in town to talk about all the mechanisms of the leagues from League 2 up to the Championship, many first time attendees found that the talk centered around exactly what you were getting for your per diem.

“I managed to figure out that I could skip all my meals except for dinner and then go out for steak,” stated one anonymous USL employee.

“I think I can get away with using my per diem on churros at Disney World. Now all I need to do is get away from this conference on the potential uses of VAR at our levels,” stated an anonymous junior executive with one team.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the next conference starts on, “Grass Stains and You: The Equipment Manager Dilemma”

Confused Robert Kraft Disappointed That New Revolution Training Facility Lacks Massage Room

Foxborough, MA - A confused and bewildered Robert Kraft expressed his disappointment that the new training facility for the New England Revolution lacked a private executive massage room as he discretely asked around for an appointment.

“I thought that owners got perks,” stated Kraft to no one in particular as he quickly called his car service around to leave. “They told me that there would be space available for this kind of thing.”

Kraft was in Foxborough today to open a new training facility for the New England Revolution as he cut the red ribbon and looked around the grounds for all that the 35 million dollar new facility was set to offer.

“So, um, where’s the room,” stated Kraft to Bruce Arena who nodded at Kraft and grimaced as he found a way to blame the confusion on Jurgen Klinsmann. “Wait, are you telling me that we spent 35 million dollars on…. Is this microphone on?”

A inquiry made to the Patriots front office received no reply.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kraft asks his consulting groups to focus on the health and wellness of all employees in the organization from the very top to the executive vice presidents.


Twitter Bio Now A List Of Trendy Soccer Clubs That Fan Used To Follow

Omaha, NE - The Twitter bio of @KerlonIsGod was reportedly found out to be just a list of different trendy soccer clubs that they used to follow.

Is this meta?

“It’s kinda crazy how if you look at the timeline of all these clubs and when @kerlonisgod started following them that they nearly line up with how they were perceived internationally and nationally from a cultural zeitgeist perspective,” stated one anonymous Twitter user who originally pointed this theory out.

“Their bio is almost directly on target with being the end all be all list of underdog, leftist, trendy soccer clubs..”

The Twitter bio of @KerlonIsGod name checks Saint Pauli, Clapton FC, Dulwich Hamlet, Borussia Dortmund, Glasgow Celtic, Rayo Vallecano, AS Livorno, Liverpool FC, Real Oviedo, Detroit City FC, Minneapolis City SC, and Forward Madison.

“I just wanted to find clubs that would identify with the way that I see the world,” stated @KerlonIsGod in a DM interview. “It really isn’t easy to try to keep up with 12 different clubs.”

According to their own estimation, @KerlonIsGod transitioned away from trying to follow the specific results of at least 8 of the 12 teams stating, “I’m really just a fan of their ethos,” to our reporter.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when @KerlonIsGod realizes they are going to need to shorthand all the clubs to fit inside the 160 characters allotted to a Twitter bio as they add a 13th and 14th team to their collection after looking for a team in Hong Kong and Brazil to support.

US Soccer Federation Leadership Team Engagement Workplace Collaborative Task Force Identifies Core Initiative To Drive WINnovation And Corporate Success By Forcing Remote Coaches Into The Office

CHICAGO - During a group conference call with their remote coach employees, the US Soccer Federation (USSF) Leadership Team Engagement Workplace Collaborative Task Force indicated that they identified a core initiative that would drive WINnovation and corporate success by forcing their remote employees to uproot their families and move to Chicago in order work from the office.

Welcome to Hell.

“EVERYONE GETS A SUCCESSORIES POSTER AND NO ONE GETS TO WORK FROM HOME ANYMORE,” stated Janet and Rob Holding of Dynamic Synergistic Integrative Culture Team Building LLC. “We want you all to feel like ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY so that our overall profits will increase because as we all know…. when the company, er federation does well… WE ALL MOSTLY DO WELL EXCEPT ROB WE NEED YOU TO SPEAK WITH HUMAN RESOURCES AFTER THIS MEETING!”

According to insiders with the USSF, the company decided to invest the money they aren’t spending on lobbyists in order to figure out whom to influence legally or politically in order to not pay the US Women on a consulting group to improve the overall corporate culture dynamics of the interoffice fraternity of coaches that they employ on a national level.

“The first thing that Janet and Rob identified was that all coaches regardless of skill, family or ability should be based out of Chicago,” stated one anonymous insider. “The next thing they identified was that there needed to be communal go rooms with an open floor design and no walls for personal work-spaces instead of cubicles or offices. The next thing they spoke about was interdepartmental communication and synergistic culture building that could be centered around an inclusive meet space where everyone would have performance reviews in the round with a peer support specialist dedicated to core competencies and influencing corporate culture integration with motivation, advocation and company INreach centered around what is good for the federation.”

According to many reports, coaches with the federation took this news in stride by quitting, but the USSF denied the claims stating that they were still certified as a Great Place To Work by the international consulting firm they paid to do the survey in the first place.

When asked about this new methodology, the USSF responded by stating, “Our coaches love the idea of peer collaboration and working together in an office environment rather than actually being out there with players. We are trying to develop a new curriculum by focusing on removing the connection of the coach with the player and instead focusing on driving home the idea of achieving coaching licenses, taking tests and then teaching other coaches to take tests and achieve licenses and then moving to Chicago. We’ve completely eliminated an unnecessary work from home area project because we feel it severely damages the interoffice water cooler dynamics that help fully mesh our holistic culture approach.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this after we finish vomiting into a waste bucket at all these buzzwords.

Soccer Fans In Charlotte Excited To Join Western Conference Of Major League Soccer

Charlotte, NC - Soccer fans in Charlotte were reportedly excited at the leaked announcement that the city would field a new team in the Western Conference of Major League Soccer.

“We are thrilled to rejoin our rivalry with Seattle, Los Angeles, and Sacramento,” stated James Harbottle of Eastover. “If you know our pedigree you know that we are a Western Conference city and we plan on being a Western Conference team like Nashville.”

Pundits say that the league may balance itself out by then, but insiders report that MLS is already planning on adding Sacramento to the Eastern Conference in order to balance things out.

“It’s important for the league to kind of be balanced in a way that makes sense,” stated one league insider. “As such, Sacramento will go to the Eastern Conference, San Diego will go to the Southern California x-treme Division (brought to you by Herbalife) and Chicago will eventually move back to the Norris Division.”

With excitement building to a boiling malaise, Charlotte fans began planning on their favorite away days to the city of their former rivals.

“I haven’t been this excited to visit Seattle since the Sting played the Storm back in 2001,” stated sports fan Davis Hughes.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Miami prepares to move the the regional south eastern north western conference when the league expands to 400.

Mishit David Beckham Freekick Nearly Ends Up In Miami

Fort Lauderdale, FL - A mishit David Beckham freekick at the new Inter Miami CF stadium nearly ended up in Miami as the ex-Preston North End midfielder and co-owner of the new Major League Soccer (MLS) side broke in the Fort Lauderdale Stadium for the Miami based team.

“Four of the five kicks were absolutely beautiful,” stated one anonymous construction worker. “However, the fifth one cleared the stadium infrastructure and was bouncing down I-95 towards the city of Miami. I doubt it made it all the way, but we are calling it a Miami free kick anyway.”

According to onlookers, Beckham grimaced at the fifth kick as it missed the mark, but was consoled by business partner Jorge Mas who stated, “Now THAT free kick was a MIAMI free kick and don’t let anyone tell you any differently! No one believed we would have a Miami free kick like that 8 months ago and now look at where we are.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Inter Miami CF track the rolling of the ball to establish the homegrown rights for the area.

Social Media Manager Announces 20% Reduction In Overall Job Dread After Acquisition Of Therapist

Des Moines, IA - Carla Overbeek, the social media manager of the Des Moines FC Football Club (DMFCFC), announced from her personal Twitter account a 20% reduction in overall job dread after the acquisition of a therapist.

TODAY WAS A REALLY GREAT DAY!

“I was anxious to an unhealthy level literally every time I picked up a phone to do my job,” stated Overbeek to The Nutmeg News. “However, Dr. Libscomb at the Recovering From Social Media Clinic really helped me walk through a variety of coping mechanisms for the dread, horror, stress, and feelings of PTSD that I was feeling when I logged into the team account.”

According to Dr. Libscomb, there has been a severe spike in the number of team and league representatives that she is treating at the clinic as a number of different team representatives need different methodologies in order to cope with the difficulties that come with doing their job.

“We are talking about individuals who are struggling with the fact that they are the messenger of the facts and not the actual person making the decision,” stated Dr. Libscomb. “Recently we had a case study of a social media and digital rights manager for a soccer team in the United States who had a Pavlovian response to the vibrate alarm feature that involved the individual in question having a panic attack every time they heard a low rumble. We are in the process of exposure therapy to attempt to resolve this issue and we are working on exploring personal and work boundaries as it relates to scanning through mentions and comments.”

For her part, Ms. Overbeek states that the amount of time she cries in the process of doing her job has plummeted as she states, “I’m no longer locking myself in the bathroom at the end of the day with a bottle of wine after reading through Instagram comments on the official team page! It’s a massive improvement.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as several times a day Ms. Overbeek explores the idea of moving to a remote part of the world where there is no internet.

Orlando City Announces New Transfer Policy Based Upon Twitter Likes

Orlando, FL - In an effort to attempt to engage fans that are feeling already dispirited for the coming season, Orlando City SC stated that they would base their entire transfer policy for 2020 on the number of Twitter likes that rumors and suggested acquisitions given by fans of the team would acquire.

“This is an entirely new methodology to really integrate our fans into the acquisition policy,” stated one Orlando City insider. “The team will be basing their acquisitions entirely on the whims of the fans. If the fans state that they want a specific player and it gets over 200 likes then we will lodge a bid for that player.. If a player suggestion ends up with more than 1,000 likes then we will lodge a bid that isn’t actually insulting to the team and player in question. If a player suggestion gets more than 10,000 likes then we will use it in an attempt at a viral marketing campaign.”

Fans of Orlando City were reportedly thrilled that the team even pretended to be interested in player acquisitions for 2020 as they quickly started proposing a number of different people for the team to try to acquire.

“Pulido to OCSC!,” stated @TheLIonsRoar

“Messi! MESSI…. MESSSIIIIIIIIIIIIII,” stated @BreKABrak

Sources with the team indicate that they’ve already put in bids for Cristiano Ronaldo, Lionel Messi and Chucky Lozano.

“We’ve made our intent known by filing a $1,000 acquisition bid for Cristiano Ronaldo,” stated our source with Orlando City. “We are waiting for a response from Juventus to say whether they’ve accepted our terms.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the scouting department of Orlando City changes their task from scouting players to scouting player suggestions from Orlando City fans.