Success Of Welcome To Wrexham TV Show Spurs Billionaire Stan Kroenke To Spend Additional 50 Cents On Advertising

Denver, CO - The success of the Welcome to Wrexham television on Hulu spurred billionaire Colorado Rapids owner Stan Kroenke to spend an additional 50 cents on his advertising budget as he asked if the Rapids staff could buy a 10 second spot on local radio with the money.

“He was all gas after binge watching the series,” stated one Rapids insider. “He called up saying that we were going to up the advertising budget by 100%. A whole additional 50 cents! Wow! What a time to be alive.”

With multiple Rapids fans complaining about local Denver residents who became a fan of Welsh club Wrexham due to the international series, Kroenke saw his opportunity to respond to the jibes by trying to increase the budget of the team.

“With this 50 cents we can finally afford an additional granola bar,” stated one Rapids insider. “It certainly isn’t a 10 episode series detailing the insides of the club, showing our players, and explaining our history to the local population; but imagine the Brown Sugar Nature Valley bar that I can get with this.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an irate Kroenke demands cuts after his 50 cent venture doesn’t pay off.

"Better Late Than Never," Posts Andrew Carleton On His Way To Protest World Cup Final

WASHINGTON - A defiant Andrew Carleton posted, “Better late than never,” on his Instagram account at 4:50 in the morning as he indicated that he was on his way to protest the result of the World Cup Final on December 18th.

“Stop The Steal,” stated Carleton on his way into the airport to depart for Qatar, “If the world cup final is this close they WILL STEAL IT.”

Sources say that Carleton was radicalized to believe that FIFA were attempting to certify an invalid victory by Argentina as he stated, “If you count ALL the goals, the United States wins their games and is in the final. STOP THE STEAL.”

Experts conclude that the World Cup Final was valid and complete, with all goals that were goals counted, however that hasn’t stopped conspiracy theorists from claiming that the victory was invalid.

“We must get out in the streets in Qatar and raise our voice,” stated one American Outlaws member. “The USA needs all goals counted.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Carleton claims he never really believed in this when he talks the Las Vegas Lights public relations expert.

NISA Gift Baskets Stun Journalists With Voucher For Free Kickboxing Class Taught By George Juncaj

INTERNET - Soccer journalists across the United States were reportedly stunned when an unexpected NISA gift basket contained a voucher for a free kickboxing class taught by George Juncaj.

"This seems like a bad idea," said one anonymous reporter, "it also doesn't really seem like a gift."

The NISA basket also contained free shares of the Rochester franchise, a subscription to TivO, and a 3000 page manifesto on Pro/Rel.

“The instructions for obtaining shares in Rochester just told us to write how much we thought it was worth on the back of this envelope,” stated one national reporter. “And the envelope looked like it was stained with some kind of jam or jelly. At best, I was just really hoping for a gift certificate to Applebee’s.”

For their part, at least 5 reporters attempted to sign up for Jabbing With Juncaj only to find some limitations.

“He wants me to sign an NDA and even though the class is advertised as being taught by George Juncaj it states that the leader of the group may end up being Steven Juncaj, instead. It’s all just confusing.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NISA runs out of money to pay for the shipping of their baskets and asks journalists to print out the vouchers from their website instead.

Claudio Reyna Steps Down From Austin FC In Order To Spend More Time With His Son Blackmailing Coaches

Austin, TX - Stating, “These times were some of the best in my life,” a tearful Claudio Reyna stated that he would be leaving Austin FC in order to spend more time blackmailing the coaches of his son Gio Reyna.

“You only get a few years to really harass and blackmail coaches for your child,” stated Reyna. “And I’m determined to be present in my son’s life.”

Sources indicate that Reyna may have, in fact, been forced out of his position with the Major League Soccer (MLS) side. However, Reyna took a different tone.

“Too many times I saw players not have a relationship with their children,” stated Reyna. “But I want to be there for him from the moment I call the assistant manager with Dortmund to the time I hire a private investigator to leak information about whichever USMNT coach doesn’t play him in the next world cup.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Reyna takes a sabbatical from his advisor position in order to investigate rumors of the sex lives of Dortmund’s athletic trainers.

"For Legal Reasons, I Like To Think Of Him As Two Entirely Different Merritt Paulsons," States Don Garber

NEW YORK - Praising his good friend Merritt Paulson, Major League Soccer (MLS) Comissioner Don Garber stated that he was shocked that Evil Merritt Paulson’s Portland Thorns had two more scandals related to distribution of a controlled sustance and sexual harrassment.

“For legal reasons, I like to think of him as two entirely different Merritt Paulsons,” stated Don Garber. “The Merritt Paulson I know who owns the Portland Timbers would never foster an environment where people distribute codeine to players against their wishes and without a prescription, or where they endanger players by putting them under a sexual predator who then, after the crime, is praised by evil Merritt Paulson. No, the Merritt Paulson who owns the Timbers would NEVER do what the Merritt Paulson who owns the Thorns does.”

Indicating that Major League Soccer has no problems with Paulson, Garber praised the owner for his open nature.

“:He’s friends with everyone,” stated Garber. “And we are all friends with him, and I don’t think a friend could do any of this. It really is just an indication of an out of control organization that has nothing to do with Major League Soccer, despite being owned by the same person.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garber deflects and praises Paulson for his introspective and loving nature as he states, “He loves women! And really that’s his biggest fault”

ISC Conference On Dangers Of Gatekeeping Is Invite Only

Albuquerque, NM - Attendants at the Independent Supporters Council (ISC) conference in Albuquerque report that the invitation only ISC breakout on the dangers of gatekeeping kicks off today after a general meeting.

"Gatekeeping is one of the worst things that keeps soccer from growing,” states the conference literature. “If you're invited, you can hear how to keep gatekeeping from ruining your local teams fans."

Sources indicate that the private class will teach vetted attendants how to keep their supporters group authentic and open to new members.

“What we are learning about here is the perils of a closed and elitist version of supporters culture,” stated one source. “And if you would like to know more, then you will need to prove your acceptance so that I can share more with you.”

When asked if they'd share the presentation with the public, the ISC said that any concerned member of the public would be able to get the full notes if they find an ISC rep, obtain their sponsorship, obtain a private link login, get an official document password and perform a sacrificial scarf offering done in the traditional garb.

The Nutmeg News will have more as "Super Important Information To Have A Unified SG" starts the second day of the conference.

Pedants Celebrate Salt City Union

INTERNET - Pedants across North America were moderately whelmed as they celebrated the joining of Flower City Union and Syracuse Pulse to create a technically correct Salt City Union of two teams.

“We have long suffered unions that weren’t union,” stated Timothy Carmichael Brown III of Syracuse. “Our dislike of the factually incorrect was learned by rote as we were formed in our early days. Fake unions exist at nearly every level, but finally we can raise a METAPHORICAL glass, as I’m currently drinking from a disposable cardboard cup, to Salt City Union.”

Sources indicate that celebrations were muted as the technically correct ensured that those around them were completely informed of the subject.

“What we notice immediately is that the Union in the CHESTER area are not formed from a Union nor formed via a Union nor a Union in Philadelphia, but in fact are not Union in any way. NOW we can celebrate the formation of a Union team from a Union to form a better Union as the framers would indicate,” stated Carmichael Brown III.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Carmichael Brown III explains the OFFSIDE rule, not the offsides rule.

Inter Miami Increasingly Confident They'll Sign Tom Brady

Major League Soccer (MLS) teams including Inter Miami were apparently preparing bids for former NFL player Tom Brady after the long time quarterback was knocked out of the NFL playoffs on Sunday.

Inter Miami were reportedly the closest to making a deal with Brady which would make the San Mateo superstar the highest -paid player in MLS history, according to a report Monday in The Nutmeg News.

Brady, who’s out of contract with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers through the 2022-23 American season, is currently at the supplements store and is reportedly being lured by a league-record sum. The Herons are also reportedly l0ooking into reuiniting him with Buccaneers teammate Rob Gronkowski.

Miami are “confident” of reaching an agreement with the three time Best NFL player ESPY award winner. Brady, who turns to dust in August, would join the Hrerons once his contract with Balco expires this summer.

As it now stands, Toronto FC star Lorenzo Isnsigne is the highest-paid player in MLs with a base salary of $14 million.

Gio Reyna's Parents Threaten To Move Son To Another Team After He Fails To Win USSF Player Of The Year

CHICAGO - Sources indicate that the irate parents of Gio Reyna called the United States Soccer Federation to threaten moving their son to another team after he failed to win the USSF Player of the year for 2023.

Screaming, “We w ill PULL him out of this program,” an irate Claudio Reyna reportedly added, “WHO ELSE IS GOING TO BRING THE ORANGE SLICES TO PRACTICE?! YOU THINK THAT HAPPENS ON ITS OWN?”

Sources indicate that the federation was being pressured by the parents of Reyna to make Reyna the player of the year in compensation for, “being completely mistreated by these jokers.” However, neither their threats of keeping the practice cones at home nor their rumored bribe of a $20 Applebees gift card did anything to sway the opinion of those at the Federation.

“We have to keep things on the up and up,” stated one Federation official. “Now if that had been Panera, it might have been a different story.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Reyna’s parents call Dortmund to demand a view into their starting 11.

Slow Descent Into Hell Begins With Child's Youth Soccer Registration

Denver, CO - Parent Rob Rivera acknowledged his slow descent into hell with a muffled, “shit,” as he clicked register on his 8 year old son’s youth soccer application.

Move your FEET!

YOU CALL THAT TRACKING BACK?

“Fuck no I don’t want to be a coach,” stated Rivera as he navigated the endless forms he had to fill out in order to get his son on the field. “I just want him to burn off some energy and see if he likes the game.”

Sources indicate that Rivera still claims he isn’t going to, “get sucked into this whole thing,” despite shopping for an emblazoned team polo with his name embroidered on it.

“I can handle myself appropriately,” stated Rivera. “This coach better know what they are doing, though. I want to see coordinated attack and defense, not just some formless amoeba out there.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as a visibly energetic Rivera is asked to either join the coaching staff or remove himself from the sidelines 10 minutes into game 1.

Major League Soccer Announces 29 Team 34 Game Playoffs

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) today announced a 29 team 34 game playoff system that will follow the 34 game season currently played by the 29 teams in the league.

“We want to give the fans what they want,” stated Don Garber, the commissioner of Major League Soccer, “and that’s to give us more of their money.”

Sources indicate that the Major League Soccer regular season will seed teams for the 34 game playoff which will ultimately finish with a 34 team knock out round.

“The MLS Championship game will be a best of seven series and will start two days after the start of the 2024 training camp,” stated one league insider. “The winner will have an additional 6 hours to notify players that will not be returning for the season that has already begun.”

Major League Soccer stated that the 34 game playoffs will be available for an additional subscription on Apple TV that current subscribers of the MLS package can purchase for a discount of $99.

“Every game will be available without blackouts and you can watch your team play in the MLS Playoffs for only an additional $99, which does not include the championship best of seven series,” stated Garber.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league changes the deciding game of the 7 game MLS Championship to a Royal Rumble with each team in the league playing until all its players are carded or injured.

MLS Social Media Manager Makes It Through Monday, Again, Without Quitting

INTERNET - Jeff Abrams, an MLS team social media manager, stated that he considered it a major victory as he managed to make it through Monday, again, without quitting his job.

“I did update my resignation letter,” stated Abrams to The Nutmeg News, “but I didn’t send it in. I consider that a success. Honestly the comments weren’t even that bad today.”

Sources indicate that Abrams has considered quitting every single Monday for the last year since the shine wore off his job midway through his first season two years ago.

“I just didn’t realize what this whole job was,” stated Abrams with a blank stare as he reflexively shivered at a phone notification. “Its… alot.. I mean.. look… it’s… look, I can’t explain it but… it’s just… sometimes, well sometimes it’s great, but when it’s bad it is like sticking your head into hot tar as people yell at you for not being burned enough.”

Abrams claimed that despite all of that, there are moments where everything comes together.

“Yeah, when you nail a campaign that you’ve been working on it’s really satisfying up until you release it and despite the universal acclaim you manage to see the 10 comments from people who are perpetually upset at everything and you fixate upon that despite the great response and well, I’m thinking of trying to find a therapist to help me when I transition out of this job.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Abrams updates his resume dates, changes his resignation letter in the drafts and looks at job advertisements on LinkedIn as part of his “Self Care Tuesday”.

Robert Kraft States That He's, "Optimistic About A Revolution Stadium," For Record 29th Year

Boston, MA - Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Revolution, stated that he is, "Optimistic about a Revolution stadium," for a record 29th year as the quest to continue stringing along the fans of the local soccer team continued unabated.

THIS time it's true! I GUARANTEE it.

"I'm absolutely optimistic about a Revolution stadium," stated Kraft as he continued to ensure that the team has zero advertising and operating budget. "I looked at some dirt, recently. I liked that dirt. It reminded me that I should be optimistic about a stadium."

Reportedly, Kraft became optimistic about a New England Revolution stadium when he was working on some business for his one true love, the New England Patriots, and realized that he hadn't made a statement in some months about a stadium project that seems unlikely to ever manifest.

"It's been some time since I hinted at something that hasn't happened, and I needed to set the record for the 28th year in a row."

Research shows that Kraft has been optimistic about a Revolution stadium since the team was founded back in 1994 and that his ability to promise and not deliver is somehow reflective of the way in which he runs the Revolution as some kind of absentee father who realizes that his child has good grades and promises to spend more time with them before heading down to the bar to drink with the Patriots fans.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kraft remembers to be optimistic about a Revolution stadium in 2024, 2025 and 2026, as well.

Poll Of 2400 People Who Think Gregg Berhalter Is A Literal Hellspawned Demon Shows Huge Support For New USMNT Coach

INTERNET - A Twitter poll commissioned by @11YankUSMNT asking 2400 of the people he follows who think Gregg Berhalter is a literal demon dedicated towards sucking the life out of USYNT players in Europe showed huge support for a new USMNT coach.

“Here it is… In Black and White,” stated @11YankUSMNT to his Twitter followers. “The trust is broken and I think we can all say that we gave this satanic hellspawn a fair chance.”

Sources indicate that the discussion was frank and fair on the topic as @USMNTRedWhite stated, “I’m not saying Gregg is incompetent… I’m saying he is pure evil and I hate him and I think he intentionally sat Gio Reyna in an attempt to lose to make us all suffer.”

For his part, @11YankUSMNT indicated that he felt the poll was fair.

“I think that what we have here is a sampling of very passionate fans who care whether or not the head coach of the USMNT was a hellspawn demon selected by a shadow cabal dedicated to corruption and keeping the game down locally.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as @11YankUSMNT claims to know insider information without actually giving any insider information.

David Villa Issues Statement Supporting Claudio Reyna Stating, "He Knows How To Keep Secrets"

INTERNET - Former NYCFC player David Villa allegedly issued a statement supporting Claudio Reyna stating, “He knows how to keep secrets,” as he issued a strongly worded appreciation of the sporting director during his time with NYCFC.

“Claudio is the kind of person who knows how to keep his mouth shut and wouldn’t raise the alarm at frivolous claims,” stated Villa in his online statement. “As the sporting director during my time with NYCFC, I was able to trust him to keep my confidence and concerns private and I would expect him to do the same in any circumstances.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Reyna claims that THIS situation was more important.

General Hospital Pre-Empted To Show Live Re-Enactment Of USMNT Scandal

The long running soap opera General Hospital was pre-empted, today, by coverage of the US Soccer scandal live re-enactment featuring Woody Harrleson as Gregg Berhalter and Ben Stiller as Claudio Reyna as they act out the current incestuous and petty drama consuming the United States Men’s Soccer Team.

As the saga is utilizing breaking news of Gio Reyna’s mother reporting Gregg Berhalter to the US Soccer sporting director for purported domestic abuse from 30 years ago, some of the action has been a retelling of the facts leading up to the current situation as the players acted out the drama that occurred during the recent World Cup.

“We are hoping that by the time we get through the exclusion of Gio Reyna from the lineup and the dramatic phone call made by Danielle Reyna that we will have a syndication deal,” stated showrunner Paul Fields. “As of right now, we are shooting from a soundstage in Burbank, but if we get a syndication deal we will recreate some of the Qatari locker room scenes in Vancouver.”

Fans are reportedly picking sides as they navigate the embarrassing high-school drama consuming this group of so-called professionals.

“Danielle was RIGHT,” stated @RelForEveryone on Twitter. “No one is above the law and if this is what it takes to get Berhalter out than I don’t care.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the US Men’s Team continues to be an embarrassment.