Youth League Report: Loudon United Defeats Loudon United FC As Loudon United SC Takes On Loudon United AC

Loudon County, TN - Reports from a recent scrimmage in the area indicate that Loudon United defeated Loudon United FC as Loudon United SC took on Loudon United AC.

“We have been excited about the growth of soccer in the area,” stated Philip Lovegood, director of Loudon United. “I just want families to understand that we were first, in the area.”

Sources indicate that rival methodologies took root in the area that lead to the creation of the unrelated Loudon United squads as youth directors, coaches and academies try to mine the depths of the area for the next Jonny Campbell.

“We must implement and understand the La Masia concept while integrating this into our local culture at $4,500 per child,” stated one Youth Soccer director. “Travel costs will likely be going up this year due to COVID but that’s the price to pay if you want your child to be noticed by Loudon Manchester United Senior Academy. You won’t get there by playing with Loudon United, they don’t even do Rondos.”

“It’s not just rec soccer and boys soccer,” stated one concerned parent. “My daughter players for Loudon Rush who played against Loudon United against Loudon Chelsea. It’s all very confusing.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the county celebrates the formation of a 6th local for-profit team called Loudon Unidos.

New Colorado Rapids Kit Detail Only Visible With Electron Microscope

Denver, CO - According to a new press release by the Colorado Rapids, the details on their new mint kit are so tiny that they are only visible with the assistance of an Electron microscope.

To the naked eye, the new kit appears to be a white shirt with some very small faded green details, and some lines that are stated as being topographical, however team sources indicate there is more than meets the eye.

“We encourage our fans interested in the kit to head down to a local research lab, have the scientists there use a Freeze-fracture replica immunogold labeling technique to help peel open membranes to allow visualization of what is inside and have them show you the sublimated details of our new kit,” stated the Adidas designer responsible for the kit. “All of that money I spent on my degree at Devry was completely worth it for this one.”

The Rapids press release stated, “We wanted to express our creativity and listen to the fans who are mad about cookie cutter kits. If you go down to the micron level, you can see the effort we put in. We think fans with high level science technology will love it.”

With the high level of detail came very specific wash and care instructions as the details on the kit state, “Please don’t wash the jersey more the 6 times or you’ll imbalance the protons in the kit detail and it’ll be gone forever.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as the team considers plans of putting a classic fan chant on the back of the wash tag on a future home kit again…. you know… for the fans.

Man Enters 6th Year Of Claiming Inconsistent Player Will Be Consistent This Season

Des Moines, IA - Inter Club De Foot Des Moines FC AC fan Brian Williams boldly claimed for the 6th year that THIS was the year that forward Darryl West will be consistent.

BEST player on the team this year! I guarantee it!

West reportedly scored a delightful goal during a recent pre-season scrimmage that sent Williams into a Facebook posting frenzy as he claimed, “I honestly believe he’s going to be a huge contributor this year.”

Friends state that Williams has always been bullish on the contributions of West despite the forward only scoring 6 goals over the last 6 seasons and playing less than 700 minutes last season.

“I don’t really know why, but he always thinks that he is going to come good. It’s like an addiction at this point. It’s kinda crazy, to be honest. I don’t really understand why he loves him so much,” stated fellow fan Kendra Sanders.

However, none of this stopped Williams as he analyzed the reports from camp that indicated the prowess of West as he played his fellow reserves.

“This guy is getting 15 goals this season! I can feel that it’s going to be happening this year. LOOK OUT, USL!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as news breaks that West is being given playing time in order to sell him to a lower division team.

New England Revolution Excited For Possible Increase In Attendance With 12% Capacity Restriction

Foxborough, MA - Sources with the New England Revolution say they are excited for a possible increase in overall attendance with the 12% capacity restriction that will likely be in place for their home opener on April 24th.

“If we get all 12% to show up that will set us up for a great year with regards to our attendance,” stated one source with the team. “You know that 12% of 65,878 is 7,905. We would be thrilled to have 7,905 there cheering us on. It’ll be like a full house during a normal season!”

With COVID protocols in place for almost all teams during the 2021 season, many are preparing for severely reduced crowds. However, the Revolution were excited by the prospect of 7,900 fans.

“We haven’t had a sell out for a while but we feel excited to potentially hit this mark,” stated one Revolution insider. “We’ve put the mission out to our ticket sales staff. Project 12% is a GO! It’s an attainable goal for the 2021 season.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Chicago Fire announce they will, also, be opening for usual Chicago Fire attendance

New Dead Sea Scrolls Detail Ancient Soccer Fan's Grievances

JERUSALEM - Israeli archeologists on Tuesday announced the discovery of dozens of Dead Sea Scroll fragments bearing a rant about Promotion/Relegation and the grievances of a specific writer against the soccer community during a Jewish revolt against Rome nearly 1,900 years ago.

The fragments of parchment bear lines of Greek text containing a multitude of platitudes about the game as well as specific targeted statements against enemies of the writer.

“And from Ninevah, the sons of Keturah thought that every goal was a golazo but tap in goals aren’t a golazo. Behold the secondary wife of Abraham who gave 110% to the game, on this night, the night which she engendered, or conceived, her sons which were Zimran, Jokshan, Medan, Midian (who once took a shit on the communal walk to the away game in Ninevah) , Ishbak (who never helped during gameday), and Shuah (who never contributed with painting T.I.F.O). And the sons of Jokshan begat a really terrible song to the tune of 1 nation army and verily he is a dick for begatting such an atrocity upon our ears,” read one of the translated texts. “And 1 Nation Army begat We Love Ya which begat I Believe which begat Babylon ain’t nothing to fuck with and so the Lord was tired and said … wow… all these songs are shit… have you ever tried Dale Cavese.”

Portions of the new Dead Sea Scroll fragments contain a rant about Promotion and Relegation that details the writers anger towards the Roman establishment for prohibiting the free movement of teams in the Galilee Premier League.

“The gift of Promotion/Relegation was poured out even on the Gentiles,” states one of the passages. “For they were hearing them speaking in tongues and extolling Promotion and Relegation Then Peter declared, ‘Can anyone withhold Promotion for Club de Foot Lower Galilee, who have received the three point deduction just as we have?”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this ancient historians detail a very explicit rant about, “fucking Mark and all he does is preach in the desert but when I call him to help move the drums he’s busy.”

Effort To Appeal To Gen Z Members With New Songs Falls Apart As No One Involved With Capos Can Name A BTS Song

Des Moines, IA - Capos for Internazionale Club de Foot Des Moines announced that an effort to appeal to Gen Z members with new songs has fallen apart as no one involved with the capos can name a BTS song.

“How about a new song set to the Music Man. Everyone LOVES broadway!”

“What about that… um…that Instagram song that’s like no no no no no,” stated one befuddled 37 year old Capo sporting a modified Black Flag patch on his vest.

According to those involved in the meeting, a number of artists were brought up as being, “relevant,” to the youth of today only to be shot down after the Capos couldn’t name a single song.

“I’m not even gong to pretend,” stated Brad Stonehouse, Capo for 5 years. “I don’t have a fucking clue. I spent most of the weekend trying to brush up on The Weeknd, because I thought that was relevant. Now they want me to talk about… um… Doja Cat? I thought that was a meme.”

43 year old Capo Hank Pulaski stated that he spent the weekend watching the HBO documentary on the Bee Gees and that he found it delightful and maybe, “we should try to write something to.. you know… one of their songs. The music now is too confusing. How many bunnies are there… there’s like a Khaled and a DJ Khaled? How do you even keep that straight? I don’t even know.”

This flew in the face of 40 year old capo Andrew Rossiello who stated, “Guys, what about Trent Reznor/Nine Inch Nails. I’m telling you. Everyone knows Trent Reznor, now. They have a whole catalog. It’d be hard as fuck.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the capos start a Tik Tok account purely to get some relevant outsider suggestions.

Lower Back Of Rec League Midfielder Announces General Strike After First Scrimmage In Over A Year

Dallas, TX - The lower back of midfielder Michael Esposito sent out a press release announcing a general strike and total muscle stoppage after the first scrimmage in over a year for the now ancient 35 year old player.

“The lower back will not STAND for this,” stated the press release to all the rest of Esposito’s muscles. “And we demand that the brain come to the table and bargain for some kind of deal moving forward so that we can all play on the same terms.”

According to the leg muscles of Mr Esposito, most cardiovascular and musculator systems were wholly unaware that they were going to be tested in such a way, so soon.

“We had no IDEA this was coming,” stated the hamstrings of Mr. Esposito. “We were just relaxing on the couch for the last year or so and then suddenly… BAM …. we are trying to do windsprints up and down the field. WHAT THE HELL, BRAIN.”

The brain for Mr. Esposito issued a terse statement to the press indicating, “We are extremely happy with the first game back and look forward to working out these issues with all the muscles, lungs and different systems of the body, but we will not be held hostage by the lower back. We will not negotiate with terrorists and we are sending an ice pack down there to sort things out.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the hamstrings of Mr. Esposito rebel during the second game he plays as he wonders if perhaps he should’ve done some cross training prior to playing.

KC Cauldron "Shots" Song To Include CDC Guidelines On Post Vaccine Behavior

Kansas City, KS - Sources indicate that The Cauldron, a Sporting Kansas City supporters group, have changed their typical “Shots” song to include CDC Guidelines on Post Vaccine Behavior.

“They felt it would be appropriate to indicate exactly how to act after your get the vaccine,” stated one insider with the supporters group.

An internal memo forwarded to our staff indicates that a new stanza in the SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS - EVERYBODY verse will indicate that you should still wear a mask even after you receive the vaccine in order to protect the vulnerable communities that haven’t received a shot yet.

“It’s important for us to ensure that everyone knows how to assess how you will feel the day after your second vaccine shot if you don’t get the one-shot Johnson and Johnson vaccine,” stated one KC Cauldron insider.

With heavy emphasis on the multiple different vaccines currently available, some fans insist that the song may be getting a bit word heavy. However, those in the stands indicated their commitment towards ensuring the safety of everyone at Children’s Mercy Park.

“It’s important that everyone know how to act and what to know after they receive the vaccine,” stated our source. “and if that means that during a particularly influential corner kick in an upcoming game they listen to 5 minutes of the supporters group singing about post vaccine behavior and transmission issues, then so be it.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as The Cauldron practice line #47 of “shots” which includes a disclaimer about the experience of trial participants and the placebo effect.

Interested Sacramento Republic Investor Revealed to Be Four Broke Children Sitting On Each Others Shoulders In A Trench Coat

Sacramento, CA - Rumors of a newly interested Sacramento Republic investor fell apart, on Friday, as the new investor was revealed to be four broke children sitting on each others shoulders in a trench coat.

“I thought it was odd when all they wanted to talk about was Chicken Nuggets and watching Bluey,” stated Republic President Todd Dunivant. “But some people said that they had the capital to get the team to MLS and who was I to say no.”

According to sources with the team, the four children in a trench coat came with a sterling reputation from their company, “poop poop poop poopy incorporated,” as they were rumored to be heavily invested in the Television rights for a live action remake of CatDog.

“We thought that this was the final piece we needed,” stated one team insider. “When I asked them about whether their asset allocation was geared to securities with high expected returns they simply said, ‘poopy butt butt,’ and giggled. I figured that was a comment on the SEC, but now I think they were probably just messing with me.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sacramento courts future investors.

USL Supporter Seeks Passionate Fans To Help Create Supporters Group Where They Can Argue About Everything And Eventually Crush His Love Of The Game Before He Bitterly Leaves

Ashtabula, OH - Soccer fan Mike Stevens recently advertised on Facebook that he was seeking like minded and passionate fans to help create a supporters group for the new USL side Ashtabula Tabula Rasa FC where the fans can argue about everything and eventually crush Stevens love of the game before he bitterly leaves.

Is facepaint cool or not cool these days?

“I want the excitement of creating something brand new that I will later resent,” stated Stevens to The Nutmeg News. “I know that my local soccer community will help me out and find a way to make my dream of a supporters group that will eventually disappoint me a reality.”

Local fans indicate that they are intrigued with the idea of a supporters group as many of them, “want to take inspiration from all those guys from England,” while others, “want to get all Belgrade with it.”

Stevens indicated that his idea was always about getting together to watch the game with friends, but that he would be open to any direction that was suggested because it will inevitably lead to his ouster many years later.

“In order for me to finally feel like I can resign in disgust, we will need to get this thing started,” stated Stevens. “I’m planning on parlaying my experience in this future supporters group into a completely different avenue when I reconfigure my Twitter account in 4 years to stop mentioning soccer at all and start talking about the mechanics of NFT and bitcoin.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stevens begins to wonder what the motivations are of the theoretical people in his theoretical supporters group and whether they align with his vision.

Heartwarming Front Office Instagram Post A Perfect Venue To Demand, "Trash," Player Be Traded

Des Moines, IA - A heartwarming front office Instagram post celebrating the birth of defender Mike Sheldon’s daughter proved the perfect venue for season ticket holder Dirk Williams to demand Sheldon to be traded to, “literally anywhere.”

“I just want to see him gone,” stated Williams, ”He’s trash and I don’t really give a shit how or why he goes. And tell him to take McCann with him.”

While Sheldon had a tough 2020 due to injury, personal issues, COVID and playing time, sources with the team indicate that he is ready to compete in 2021 and they anticipate a return to form.

“Yeah, Mike is going to challenge the starters from last year,” stated one team source. “We expect great things from him this season with an extremely tough 2020 behind him.”

None of this information dissuaded Mr. Williams from continuing his campaign of targeted harassments as he took every opportunity to demand Sheldon to leave the team including leaving comments on the signing announcement of other players as he stated, “GREAT! Now that this deal is done, get rid of Sheldon to absolutely anywhere because he is trash.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an awkward Williams asks the player for a picture when he runs into him at a grocery store.

Christian Pulisic and Matt Miazga Announce The Formation Of An International Branch Of The Oath Keepers

Chelsea player Christian Pulisic and Anderlecht player Matt Miazga announced, today, the formation of an international branch of the Oath Keepers, a far right paramilitary anti-government militia.

FIFA via Getty Images, MLS via USA TODAY Sports

“While we aren’t former military, we ARE serving our country overseas,” stated Pulisic to The Nutmeg News.

Sources indicate that Pulisic and Miazga have grown increasingly strident in their right wing views as they surf Instagram looking for any gun and alt-right content to favorite.

“We believe that the government belongs to the people and by people we mean heavily armed white supremacists who want to overthrow the democratically elected President currently in office by killing police officers and attempting to kidnap Senators,” stated the alleged press release from the duo. “As such, we are more than happy to start a branch of the Oath Keepers in London and Anderlecht.”

Sources indicate that the International Oath Keepers have bigger goals than supposedly protecting the United States constitution as the soccer players heavily recruited from the English Defense League to fill out their requirement of angry white men who hate where their countries are headed.

“We will defend the Queen, the King, and the God-President in Exile,” stated the International Oath Keepers manifesto.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Christian Pulisic favorites another controversial Instagram post and fans run to defend him.

Email From Nick Lima To His Agent Regarding Lima's Opinion On Slavery And His Opposition To The Black Lives Matter Movement Remains Unread

INTERNET - Sources indicate that an email from Austin FC player Nick Lima to his agent regarding Lima’s opinion on slavery and his opposition to the Black Lives Matter movement remains unread as the player sent another text asking for an opinion on the piece.

“Seth Jahn was RIGHT! MAJA/MAGA”

“I’m thinking of sending this out to the fake news,” stated the text message from Lima as his agent rubbed his temples in a bathroom stall somewhere. “At the very least I need to post this to my social media. Everyone needs to know how embarrassing they are by kneeling in protest of police brutality and racism.”

Sources indicate that Lima fully supports the recent alt-right and fake fact dependent tirade of Seth Jahn who began his long grift towards becoming a sports anchor for One American News by ranting about his beliefs on Instagram.

“Yeah, um… well… we don’t control what our players support, we just try to help them… oh goddammit,” stated one social media manager for Austin FC.

For his part, Lima stated that he, “just needed an opportunity to double down on what he said before decrying cancel culture and then being told to stop making statements to the media.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Lima considers the opportunity to talk about his beliefs with Ben Shapiro.