Area Soccer Fan Very Concerned That He Will Have To Endure Protests In The Stands Again

Minnesota, MN - Minnesota United fan Steve Jefferson indicated that he was worried that he would be forced to endure politics and protests in the stands again after skimming over the online reports of multiple nights of protest over the murder of George Floyd by the Minneapolis Police Department.

“I go to the games to forget everything,” stated Jefferson to The Nutmeg News. “And reminding me that things aren’t as good for other people as they are for me is really annoying. My life is pretty great and I think the life of my children is pretty great so I don’t like the supporters groups pretending like things are bad. This is the greatest country in the world, period. Just look at the overall mortality rate! We’ve been doing nothing but getting better and better despite what the negative naysayers would have you believe. People should protest appropriately, like I did when I was frustrated that the City alderman wasn’t tough enough on crime and I went to the club to speak with him privately in a steam room.”

Jefferson indicated that he was exceptionally frustrated when Minnesota United supporters flew Iron Front and Anti-Fascist flags in the stands last year.

“Those flags and that protest, so stupid. All those antifers nearly ruined the Gelato I had after the game. I was so distressed that I bought a thin blue line flag off Amazon so that I could show my support of the police. Honestly, I like to escape the world in general and I’m worried that the liberal media encouraging riots after the death of this person I didn’t know will significantly impact my chillaxification time at the games next year when all this hysteria dies down after the CoronaFlu.”

For all his concern, however, Jefferson stated that he remains positive about the situation.

“I only know that if we give this situation a few more months that everyone that I care about will forget all about it and I’ll be able to go to games again without having to worry about banners that make me think about things that I disagree with.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Jefferson’s daughter heads out for night 4 of the protest.

Man Who Painted Corner Of Anti-Racism T.I.F.O Has Some Surprisingly Racist Things To Say In Private Group Chat

Springfield, MO - Tim Smith, who once painted the corner of an anti-racism T.I.F.O, had some surprisingly racist things to say in a group chat on Thursday regarding the recent protests over the murder of George Floyd by the Minneapolis police.

What terrible things am I going to learn today!?

Starting with, “You guys know that I’m not racist, but…,” Smith posted off a bunch of petty stereotypes, memes, and jokes with a group of 7 friends that originally bonded over the love of sports and soccer.

“I honestly was pretty shocked,” stated John Evans, a member of the group chat. “Tim’s always had some weird things to say and he was always that kind of person that liked to push it with regards to jokes; but I thought he was just a normal guy. Now I don’t know what to think.”

Other members of the chat tried to steer the conversation away from Smith’s racist commentary, but found out that it’s not just Smith that has these thoughts in private.

“Look, it’s one thing when Tim is trying to be an edgelord, but then Danny comes in and makes a joke and man… who the fuck are these people,” stated chat group member Tom Belsare. “Just because you think this is an environment where we give each other shit doesn’t mean that extends to making jokes about other people that aren’t you. I don’t really KNOW you people, you know. This group thing was originally just about soccer.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Evans and Belsare think about leaving the group, then think about calling out Smith, then think about talking to him in person and then do absolutely nothing instead.

President Trump To Announce Executive Order Against Forward Madison For Not Giving Him A Free Drip Kit

WASHINGTON - President Trump is set to announce an executive order against USL League One team Forward Madison after finding out that the team did not judge him enough of a social media influencer to justify sending him one of their new Drip Kits.

The draft executive order being prepared by the Trump administration tests the boundaries of White House whining. In a long-shot bid, it seeks to get a free kit from Forward Madison because the new kits are cool and the President didn’t get one but other people did.

It marks a dramatic escalation by Trump in his war on Forward Madison as the President has regularly accused the club of not giving him enough free stuff.

The draft order, which was reviewed by TNN, targets a law known as the Give Me Free Shit Act. Section 230 of the legislation provides everything to the President because he is the President under the auspices of the Good To Be The King Act from 1981.

“In a country that has long cherished fucking over someone else to get ahead, we cannot allow a limited number of soccer kits to be given to so many but so few,” the draft order says. “This practice is fundamentally un-American and anti-democratic. When large, powerful teams censor the President from free things they exercise a dangerous power.”

.The draft order also accuses Forward Madison of “invoking inconsistent, irrational, and groundless justifications to punish the President by not giving him a free kit because if they gave it to The Cooligans then they should give it to the President.”

Finally, the draft order would direct the Federal Trade commission to report on complaints about Forward Madison collected by the White house and to consider bringing lawsuits against teams accused of not giving the President free shit.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the President claims that Forward Madison is fake news.

Sources Detail MLS Plan To Become League Of Choice For Players On Cut Wages Who Don't Mind Being Kept In Isolation In An Orlando Hotel Room Without Their Families

NEW YORK - Sources with Major League Soccer, today, detailed a league plan to become the League Of Choice For Players On Cut Wages Who Don't Mind Being Kept In Isolation In An Orlando Hotel Room Without Their Families (TM). Commissioner Don Garber allegedly wrote a new state of the season memorandum to all supporters and players that The Nutmeg News was able to get in advance due to our numerous league sources.

“Welcome to the re-launch of Major League Soccer’s 25th Season,” states Don Garber in the yet-to-be-released email. “More and more world-class players continue to make MLS and the mile surrounding their quarantine hotel rooms in Orlando their ‘League of Choice For Players On Cut Wages Who Don't Mind Being Kept In Isolation In An Orlando Hotel Room Without Their Families .” A record 10 players signed from Mexico’s Liga MX stated that they hated this idea but contractually they didn’t know if they had any other options. Notably, Javier ‘Chicharito’ Hernandez — the Mexican National Team’s all-time leading goal scorer — begrudgingly joins the La Galaxy in Orlando and will make his re-debut at some point provided that no one has a 102 degree fever or a persistent cough. This game will likely happen on whatever television channel we can get do broadcast this with local blackout rules applying for most of the United States.

Just as importantly, our clubs signed a record number of Homegrown Players who are now being asked to take severe cuts on their salary due to the fact that they don’t have any social cachet to push for their wages staying the same during this time.

The 25th Season Celebration also will include a new, groundbreaking format for our MLS All-Star Game, presented by Target. The MLS All-Stars will face no one, bucking the trend of having any kind of All-Star Game of any level. They will remain undefeated in 2020 showing that no international team can come win if all the international flights are grounded due to the pandemic that we aren’t allowed to discuss with you.

As we celebrate 25 years of MLS building soccer in North America, I know you are as excited to watch games with no crowds and faked noise from the stands. We deeply appreciate everything you have done to help us grow true ‘Soccer Nations’ in the U.S. and that other country that legally we aren’t allowed to enter right now.

Enjoy The 2020 season if it happens or whatever version you get to watch provided you have a VPN.

Commissioner Don Garber.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS denies this letter exists.

"If They Didn't Want Their Cave Blown Up Then They Shouldn't Have Built It On Valuable Iron Ore Deposits 46,000 Years Ago," States Dell Loy Hansen

Salt Lake City, UT - Real Salt Lake owner, billionaire, real estate baron, vintage coin collector and sometimes disinterested person who owns the Utah Royals Dell Loy Hansen stated that there was no Rio Tinto naming controversy as he allegedly stated, “If they didn’t want their cave blown up then they shouldn’t have built it on valuable Iron Ore deposits 46,000 years ago.”

https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2020/may/26/rio-tinto-blasts-46000-year-old-aboriginal-site-to-expand-iron-ore-mine

According to sources who were present, Hansen spent a good chunk of the minute he was forced to think about this controversy ranting about the, “rights of the corporation that are under assault by vigilantes who want to protect people and places over profits."

“If I wanted to protect people I would’ve kept all the employees on staff instead of furloughing them without medical, having the players raise money for them, then publicizing the players efforts on social media in a crass effort to appear like we care, and then trying to get those same players to consider accepting a pay cut if we move the season to Orlando,” stated Hansen allegedly. “I think the actions by Rio Tinto took courage and we will remember that when we extend the naming rights. We must find a way to do this kind of desolation locally beyond just cutting off our own employees during a global pandemic and then forcing them to work short staffed handling irate customers and the possibility of bringing the entire NWSL season and teams to town. Maybe we could buy Mesa Verde and drill into the shelf for some oil.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this Hansen looks into discounted Oil Rigs and crews with less than 20 safety violations.

Major League Soccer Enlists Journalists From The Athletic To Investigate Leaks From Their Employees To The Athletic

NEW YORK - Sources with Major League Soccer (MLS) indicate that the league hired journalists from The Athletic to investigate leaks from the employees within Major League Soccer to The Athletic detailing their COVID-19 plans.

“Executives with MLS are very paranoid that people from inside the league are leaking information to journalists outside the league,” stated one source with the league. “From what I understand they hired journalists to track down the people leaking the information to themselves.”

According to an internal memo (chat log) from The Athletic, the collection of journalists employed there were tasked by management to find the person leaking information to themselves.

“I take care of my sources, so I cannot reveal who implied that,” stated one anonymous Journalist. “However, I can assure everyone that I take my responsibilities seriously so I will be investigating myself to see if I can crack my own sources.”

For their part, MLS denied that they contacted The Athletic, but internal sources state that they’ve been working on squashing the flow of information out of the league office.

“They’ve been working on bounties, rewards, punishments, just about anything to stop people from talking,” stated one anonymous MLS employee. “They’ve had video conference meetings about this and emails. At this point, I’m thinking of turning someone in just so I can get the bounty on them. Instead, I’m just going to send this information over to The Athletic to see if shining a light on the situation can make the working environment more stable.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS decides to try to hire Grant Wahl to investigate The Athletic to investigate the league to investigate the employees leaking to The Athletic.

FC Cincinnati Fans Hope That Jaap Stam Doesn't Choke During His First Season

Cincinnati, OH - With the announcement Jaap Stam being made head coach of FC Cincinnati, a number of local fans stated that they hope the Dutch manager doesn’t choke during his first season.

“I’ve seen it before, but I’m always worried about the possibility,” stated one anonymous fan. “I’m mostly concerned that he will choke during the season. It’s a scary possibility. Hopefully we don’t pay a price for this hire.”

A number of fans report that their main concern is how he deals with players on the field.

“When push comes to shove, I’m just worried about his relationship with onfield players and whether or not he chokes in the moment,” stated Phillip Granderson of Cincinnati. “His managerial history indicates that we don’t really know what we are getting here, so I’m a bit underwhelmed. I just hope he manages to not choke with the players we have at our disposal.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as eager fans keep a close eye on the results.

After Party Ultras Devastated As MLS All Star Game Cancelled

LOS ANGELES - The supporters group After Party Ultras issued a terse statement indicating their devastation as Major League Soccer (MLS) announced that the annual All Star Game would be cancelled.

#ohbrand #united #unitedtoparty #PopBottles

“This infringing upon our rights to get freaky, pop bottles and wave our hands in the air like we just don’t care needs to stop” stated the After Party Ultras to their Twitter account. “We strongly condemn the decision to cancel the MLS All Star Game and all the parties involved. Where else will intoxicated and temporarily besotted sports journalists, team staff on per-diem, random people who know the right kind of people, and the representatives of corporate sponsors get to wander around NWSL stars and journeyman USL centerbacks with pop-leaning breakbeat blaring over distributed speakers.”

Sources with the league indicate that after a careful consideration of all the factors involved with the All Star Game that they couldn’t, in good conscience, continue with the multi-day event in Los Angeles as they cancelled the game and all the events and parties that surround it.

“This is why we are against modern after parties,” stated APU spokesman Jerry “Funkhauser” McGonaghal. “Back in the early footballing days, they would hold after parties for all workers and events personal even if there was a pandemic or plague. It’s how we survive. Pop Bottles! All Canape’s Are Bastards! Against Modern Parties! No Alizé No Party!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the After Party Ultras work on a T.I.F.O display condemning the greed of cancelling the greatest after party in US Soccer.

Traveler From Newly Discovered Parallel Universe Says It's Called Phlanxxis Not Soccer

A traveler from the Holy American Empire capitol city of Kiprop, part of a newly discovered parallel universe by NASA, indicated his disgust with our sporting nomenclature as he stated, “It’s PHLANXXIS not soccer,” via his universal translator Raul.

“I traveled across the dimensions to let you know one very important thing,” stated the traveler. “It’s Phlanxxis not soccer. How can you socc? You cannot socc. This is ridiculous. Everyone knows that the Eternal travelers from the Gaul Dynasty created Phlanxxis from methane inflated sheep’s bowels during the time of The Reverence.”

According to the Traveler, the Holy American Empire Phlanxxis Federation took it upon themselves to institute a system of naming in their world after waging a war upon the countries of Marajó and Eastern Hibernia to destroy their sporting infrastructure.

“The only relegation we need is the subjugation of their countries,” stated the Traveler. “The only word that will be spoken is that of Phlanxxis, not Rajabom or Foot Sphere or Spherey or even, Klaax forbid, Orbing as those in the East claim of their sports name. At that time, then, when we gain revenge upon the FIPHA for the omission of the HAE Phlanxxis team from the 3442 World Conflagration Cup we will find joy.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Traveler discusses how the common state of his world is perpetual disagreement and anger, so he feels quite comfortable in our world.

Woman Concerned That Facebook Group Actually IS Indicative Of Type Of People In Supporters Group

Portland, OR - Timbers fan Phillipa Hughes stated that she is very concerned that the irreverent Facebook group she joined about the Timbers actually IS indicative of the type of people in the Timbers Army as she attempted to discern if people were being sarcastic or serious.

“People tell me constantly that I shouldn’t judge people based upon their online persona, but that’s really the only thing I have to go on right now,” stated Hughes to The Nutmeg News. “If this is really what this supporters group is about, then… um…. look…. um…..”

Hughes reportedly searched out different Timbers groups online as she attempted to connect with like-minded fans who also share her passion for soccer. However, what she found was a fountain of petty drama, personal vendettas and really dumb jokes.

“I’m not saying that any of it is specifically bad…. well… there’s actually some, ok… yeah look at this, I mean this is SPECIFICALLY bad; but in general I feel like it’s just useless and that really concerns me. Where are all the other… you know… nice and smart people hanging out? They have to be out there or are they just smart enough not to engage in this stuff. I’m NOT signing up for nextdoor, for this. No way.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hughes continues to look for like-minded fans on Twitter.

Soccer Podcast Hosts So Bored That They May Start Recording A Soccer Podcast Again

NEW YORK - Soccer podcast hosts Damon Hargrove and Jason Lewis stated that they were so bored that they may actually start recording a soccer podcast again as they attempt to fill their quarantine time with constructive things.

“We’ve been talking about getting the boys back together again,” stated Hargrove to The Nutmeg News. “It started with J texting me about how bored he was and then me agreeing that I was really bored and then we started talking about recording Red Bull Alert again.”

Hargrove and Lewis spent two years fitfully recording Red Bull Alert during moments in time when they felt passionate about the team; but the duo haven’t released a podcast in over a year despite constantly using their Twitter account and Facebook account to talk about the team and their life.

A recent image of a microphone with the caption of “YO! We are BACK!” earned roughly 10 favorites and 2 retweets as the excited throngs of RBA fans congregated online to congratulate the duo.

“Ready or not we are gonna be talking about all the stuff from this season and telling stories of seasons past,” stated Lewis to the Red Bull Alert Facebook page. “We are hoping to get call-ins from our fans and we will be unveiling a number of new segments we spitballed over on our Discord channel.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Lewis and Hargrove tease a new episode for two weeks and then go on hiatus again for another year.

E-MLS E-Tournament Special E-Champions E-Celebrate With E-Visit To E-Magic City

Atlanta, GA - E-MLS E-tournament special e-champions Paulo Neto and Franco Escobar reportedly e-celebrated their e-championship with an e-visit to a virtual version of the legendary Atlanta strip club e-Magic City.

“Forget e-Disneyland,” stated Neto to The Nutmeg News. “We are gonna load up an e-visit to e-Magic City!”

The e-MLS e-tournament involved a combination of a fan and an Atlanta United player as the dominant virtual Atlanta side trounced a virtual Sporting Kansas City side 7-3 on e-aggregate.

“We e-slapped them around,” stated one anonymous e-Atlanta United e-staff member. “We just added another trophy into our cabinet next to the Campeones Cup.”

E-Supporters flooded into the virtual e-streets to celebrate the e-champions as they organized e-banners, an e-parade, and an e-celebration at e-venues across Atlanta.

“We are champions AGAIN,” stated Atlanta United supporter Ralph Henderson. “You can’t stop Atlanta. The music is thumping and we are gonna visit e-Magic City for some e-shenanigans and some e-fun. I hear that the e-players are gonna bring the e-cup! It’s gonna be amazing. After that, we are gonna e-celebrate this e-victory by dominating an online poll for the best stadium in MLS and e-MLS.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Atlanta United fans take to social media to defend the Campeones Cup, again.

Soccer Fan Still Waiting For US Soccer To Play USMNT Highlights From The 2018 World Cup

Omaha, NE - Every four year soccer fan Duke Williams stated that he is still waiting for US Soccer to play United States Men’s National Team highlights from the 2018 World Cup.

“They show stuff from 2002, 2006, 2010, 2014………. but what about 2018?” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News.

Williams indicated that he couldn’t understand why the federation hadn’t played any highlights from the games featuring the US Men.

“They must be waiting until later in the pandemic,” stated Williams. “By that time we are gonna be back shotgunning beers with our bros and icing the new AO recruits. They might as well show the highlights now. USA! USA! USA!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as US Soccer commissions a long form piece on how the United States would’ve won the 2018 World Cup had they actually made the tournament.

Hertha Berlin Fan Of The Last 6 Days Bemoans Bandwagon Bundesliga Fans

Denver, CO - Philip Anderson, a Hertha Berlin fan of the last six days, bemoaned the new bandwagon fans that are coming out of the woodwork to pick a Bundesliga side after it was announced that the league would resume on May 16th.

“If someone has a problem with all this I just point to this tattoo… idea I have if I stick with rooting for this team.”

“I was a fan of Hertha Berlin one day BEFORE we found out that the games would return,” stated Anderson to The Nutmeg News. “I just think that fans should not try to pick a team and just enjoy watching the league play. You don’t need to force being a fan of one team or another.”

Anderson reportedly purchased everything related to Hertha BSC that he could find on Amazon over the past 6 days as he staked his claim to being a long suffering fan of Die Alte Dame.

“My situation is very different,” stated Anderson. “My love of Hertha comes from my lifelong interest in soccer over the last 5 years. It was passed down to me from my father. After all, it was the Irish father at my church who first talked to me about soccer back in 2015.”

For his part, Anderson said he would be welcoming to all the new Berlin fans as he stated, “It’s gotta be difficult to just randomly pick a team like this.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson attempts to figure out which people he really hates by researching what rivalry Hertha BSC has in Germany.

Minnesota United Fan Concerned That Cardboard Cutout View May Be Blocked By Cardboard Cutout Flags

St. Paul, MN - James Heatherton stated that he was increasingly worried that if the Major League Soccer side resorted to putting cardboard cutouts of fans in the stands during empty stadium games that his cardboard cutout avatar’s view may be blocked by cardboard cutout flags.

“I didn’t pay all this money, wait all this time, and a submit a picture of myself to have the virtual view of my cardboard figurehead blocked by some asshole cardboard cutout waving a giant flag,” stated Heatherton to The Nutmeg News.

Heartherton reportedly submitted a picture of himself with crossed arms standing in the supporters section not participating as others silently cheer on the team in order to accurately replicate his gameday participation level.

“It would be a complete lie to show me vigorously participating in what I consider to be consistent aping of English culture and not at all in line with the American tradition of doing fuck all during professional sports after you spent all of your energy in life during your youth in college and become tied down by the depressive reality of adult life, a job, a mortgage and kids.”

According to the cardboard cutout figureheads that surround Heatherton they have been trying to get him to actually do …. well… anything during a game for years now as he stands in misery and silent stoicism around the people enjoying themselves.

“I don’t know that I’ll be able to tell the difference between a cardboard cutout of him and the real version of him that does nothing but complain about what other people are doing,” stated one anonymous fan.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Heatherton submits a complaint to the Minnesota United front office about the conduct and supposed marijuana pipes of other cardboard figures.

Soccer Fan Can't Wait To Get Back To His Old Routine Of Living Paycheck To Paycheck And Attending A Soccer Game On The Weekend Where He Can't Afford To Buy Beer

LOS ANGELES - Galaxy fan Paul Alvarez stated that he can’t wait to get back to his old routine of driving a terrible commute in traffic to a job that he tolerates as he attempts to live paycheck to paycheck and attending a soccer game on the weekend where he can't afford to buy beer.

“I can’t wait until we have the option to leave the house and go back to work,” stated Alvarez to The Nutmeg News. “I actually miss seeing some of the people. I’m looking forward to everything…. the terrible health insurance, the monstrous traffic, the sweltering heat on the freeway as motorcycles zip by, checking my phone during my allowed bathroom breaks to see if anything happened to the Galaxy, getting drunk in the parking lot before a game because I can’t afford the beer on the inside…. I just miss it all so much. I can’t wait to get back to normal.”

Alvarez is hopeful that there will actually be a job for him after his company laid everyone off nearly two months ago.

“They said they were going to try to get some of the federal relief money to keep afloat,” stated Alvarez. “I guess if it doesn’t work out I’ll just have to balance driving for Uber, Lyft, Grubhub, Caviar, DoorDash and Postmates with a job at Amazon. I hear they are hiring.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Alvarez gleefully imagines having a water pump break while on his way to work and getting in trouble for not being on time and then slowly realizing he won’t be able to work in the gig economy while he tries to get a part fixed he can’t afford.

"If Only There Was A Way To Coordinate All The Sounders Conversation On Twitter," States Supporter Who Stopped Using The EBFG Hashtag

Seattle, WA - Sounders supporter Tim Williams reportedly bemoaned the lack of ability to talk to his fellow Sounders fans as he stated, “if only there was a way to coordinate all the Sounders conversation on Twitter,” despite the fact that he stopped using #EBFG over a year ago.

Hmmm…………………..nah.

“I just couldn’t handle all the stupid people on there and the dumb hot takes,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “I need a way to talk to the people I like without having to hear all the people I don’t like who infiltrated the hashtag over the past few years.”

Williams stated that he used to post and search EBFG after every game until he found himself becoming more and more annoyed by the responses and tweets that fellow fans put up on the hashtag.

“I’ve tried exploring What’s App groups and text messages, then I thought about trying to do a Facebook group or perhaps a group of private Twitter accounts; but now I’m thinking that perhaps the way forward is an invite only Discord,” stated Williams. “I think that if we just create a chat room where my group of friends can slowly grow our numbers that we will be able to control the level of quality discussion that we could have.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams leaves the Discord chat room after six months because of a number of recent people that joined that he dislikes.