Chris Klein Vows To Restore Galaxy To Their Rightful Position As A 9th Place Team As Soon As Suspension For Defrauding MLS Roster Rules Is Up And Million Dollar Fine Is Paid

LOS ANGELES - Galaxy president Chris Klein released a statement to the Los Angeles Galaxy fans promising to restore the team to their rightful position in 9th place as soon as his suspension for defrauding Major League Soccer (MLS) roster rules is lifted and the million dollar fine that was levied against the team was paid.

“Ninth place or BUST,” stated Klein as he tried to get the Galaxy fans back onto his side by promising the glory of a 1 and out away playoff game. “We CAN be the 9th best team in the west again!”

Sources indicate that Klein is desperate to continue his legacy of mishandling the Galaxy as he attempts to continue the standard he set of finding a way to make even the most passionate fans not want to cheer on their own team.

“I know things aren’t good now,” stated Klein. “However, things can be marginally better as the season goes along. All we need is to win 3 out of 10 games and we will likely be right back in the race for 9th.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Klein finally is able to perform his duties again after the MLS suspension is lifted and immediately tries to sign Pavon to another Non-dp-dp-non-dp under the table deal.

"What Has Someone Else Done To Cause This," States Baffled And Distraught Merritt Paulson

Portland, OR - After news of Eryk Williamson’s season ending injury reached the general public, a baffled and distraught Merritt Paulson stated, “What has someone else done to cause this,” as he bemoaned the constantly injured Timbers lineup.

“It’s almost as though we are under some kind of hex or curse,” stated Paulson to The Nutmeg News. “Almost as though the actions of one person have doomed this organization to suffer some kind of horrible fate that repeats itself over and over again.”

Sources within the Timbers front office indicate that Paulson launched an investigation into who could’ve caused such a horrible curse to descend upon the team.

“We have been told to investigate not only the front office but also the fans to see if they may have caused this somehow,” stated one anonymous Timbers employee. “We are putting together a panel to determine whether the Timbers Army caused this hex by hoisting the Ouija board T.I.F.O.”

For his part, Paulson remained steadfast in his belief that this was out of his control as he stated, “we are all working on trying to find out who caused this issue.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it continues to happen.

MLS To Bill Every Season Ticket Holder $1,000.00 In Order To Pay For Lionel Messi Contract

NEW YORK - Taking advantage of the latest news that Lionel Messi is dissatisfied with his situation at Paris St. Germain (PSG) and wants a new contract and a new team, Major League Soccer (MLS) Commissioner Don Garber put together an innovative proposal to land Messi in MLS - requiring all MLS season ticket holders to pay an additional fee, to be used to pay for Messi's contract. Under Garber's proposal, each season ticket seat will be charged an additional, annual, $1,000.00 league development surcharge with the money from that fee being used to fund an MLS contract for Messi.

Although MLS does not release statistics of the total number of season ticket holders for all 29 MLS franchises, it is believed that there are approximately 300,000 season ticket holders across the league with a league average of 10,000 season tickets per team. Charging each season ticket holder seat an annual $1,000.00 fee would yield a healthy additional $300 million per year.

Published estimates of Messi's current contract with PSG puts the player in the $75 million per year range - if his signing bonus, annual salary, and image/kit sales licensing rights are combined. If the extra fee proposal is approved by the MLS Board, Garber would be able to offer the 35-year-old Messi a multi-year MLS contract in the $300 million per year range, eclipsing the current highest sports contract - Cristiano Ronaldo's Al-Nassr contract estimated at $225 million per year.

Although details of Garber's proposal are still being worked out and would require a likely perfunctory MLS Board approval vote, concerns have been raised about how the fee would be administered. When reached for comment, an MLS insider - speaking on condition of anonymity - told The Nutmeg News that the proposal would asses the fee per seat, not per ticket holder, so a family of four with four season ticket seats would be assessed $4,000.00 per year by the league. Additionally, there will be no scaling of the fee based on the cost of the season ticket itself. Upper deck seats and pitch side seats would pay the same fee. And perhaps most controversially, season ticket holders from teams in conferences that might see Messi's team once every two years would still be charged the fee annually even in years when Messi never plays in their team's stadium. Apparently Commissioner Garber will justify these rules by arguing that signing Messi with any MLS team, "elevates the entire league at a global level, and thus the rising tide of MLS lifts all season ticket holders' boats."

Another aspect of the plan that might surprise MLS ticket holders in the near future is that SeatGeek - the official ticket partner of MLS through which all season tickets are distributed - will be assessing a $200.00 "service fee" on the $1,000.00 per seat league development surcharge. When asked for comment, the same MLS insider responded, "Hey, it's the contract we signed with them; nothing we can do about that."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer insider Twitter accounts claim, "you'd have to pay more than $1000 to see Lionel Messi play a game, at this point, between all the flights, hotels and ticket prices in France so this is really a discount."

BBC Hires Alexi Lalas To Provide "Balance" In Match Of The Day Hosting Crew

LONDON - In the aftermath of the refusal to appear on air by members of its Premier League “Match of the Day” (MOTD) hosting crew, the British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) made a surprise move to hire an additional commentator to provide “balance” - former Fox Sports soccer commentator Alexi Lalas.

The change arose after long-time MOTD commentator - and 1986 FIFA World Cup Golden Boot winner Gary Lineker made Twitter commentary criticizing the current UK government’s refugee asylum policy. The BBC, in response, required Lineker to “step back” from his MOTD duties, citing the “controversy” around Lineker’s comments. This led to the entire hosting crew of MOTD- including Premier League all-time goal leader Alan Shearer indicating they also would step back from their MOTD duties, in solidarity with Lineker. As a result, during the weekend of 11/12 March, the BBC’s Premier League programming consisted only of match highlights, played without commentary.

The BBC was left in the unenviable position of having to potentially continue MOTD as a host-less program, until Richard Sharp - Chairman of the BBC received a fortuitous phone call from a fellow media executive. “{Fox Broadcasting Founder} Rupert Murdoch called me up the day after the Lineker controversy started,” said Sharp. “His first words to me were, ‘have I got the man for you!”

Lalas - a former US International who had an unsuccessful trial with Arsenal’s reserve squad will join the recently reinstated Lineker, Shearer, and the remainder of the MOTD hosting panel, to provide what Sharp characterized as “balance.”

“Alexi is the perfect person to add to Match of the Day,” stated Sharp. “We prepared for him a briefing book outlining the social and political positions he would be expressing, and he immediately committed to adhering to them. He will, however, continue to have free reign to antagonize viewers with his footballing opinions, just as he has in the US for the past fifteen years.”

Lalas welcomed the opportunity to reach a new audience, and said he was studying up in preparation for starting commenting duties in the week of 18/19 March.

“I have little experience with the Premier League, but soccer is soccer so i feel confident I will be able to have an opinion for any match that the BBC airs,” said Lalas

Questioned whether he was familiar enough with Britain and British culture to effectively engage with the BBC’s audience, Lalas also expressed confidence. “[UK Member of parliament] Jacob Rees-Mogg was kind enough to send me a copy of the collected speeches of Sir Oswald Mosley and Enoch Powell, which I have been studying intently. I feel now I am fully prepared to understand and relate to the audience that the BBC wishes to attract.”

Major League Soccer Announces 2024 Stadium Self Care Partnership With Satan's Inflamed Anus

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) today announced a 2024 Stadium Self Care sponsorship with Satan’s Inflamed Anus, in order to deflect from their recent partnership with Ticketmaster, the actual spawn of the devil.

“Satan’s Inflamed Anus should really pull the focus from our partnership with Ticketmaster and allow people who are sitting in our stadiums to take care of their body for the rigors of sitting for 90 minutes,” stated Mark Abbot, president of Major League Soccer.

Sources indicate that MLS executives are excited for fans to try out Satan’s Inflamed Anus in conjunction with Ticketmaster as they look forward to the 2024 season with glee.

“Much like Ticketmaster, Satan’s Inflamed Anus has a 432% markup,” stated one insider. “And we feel that our fans will feel the relaxing heat of Satan’s Inflamed Anus when they sit down in the stadium with a $17 beer and a $24 plate of nachos to enjoy a $230 sideline ticket to watch $43 referees avoid calling a penalty against their $2 team.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Ticketmaster resale sight promises direct fan to fan taxes and fees.

USMNT Fan Concerned That Team Isn't Going To Qualify For 2026 World Cup

Omaha, NE - Stating, “The US Soccer Federation is SABOTAGING the competitive future this team,” on his personal substack, USMNT fan Jason Brewster exclaimed that he was highly concerned that the team wasn’t going to qualify for the 2026 World Cup.

“What have they done,” stated Brewster before responding to his own question with a passionate, all-caps missive that read,”NOTHING.”

“These jokers are going to take so long to hire a competent head coach and bring in new players that we are going to miss a golden opportunity to qualify.”

According to column #432 sent to only his Patreon subscribers, Brewster stated that the US Soccer Federation (USSF) could, “look into Basketball and football players who have the height and the athletic ability to really make a difference that the small Spanish and Argentinian teams can’t combat.”

When questioned about this by his friend Ezra Williams, Brewster stated that he was just, “thinking out loud about how great the American athlete is and he wasn’t being serious,” despite finishing column #432 by stating, “I’m deadly serious about this working.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Brewster claims that what he meant was, ”IF we had to qualify, not that we weren’t going to qualify.”

With 2023 Season Over, Rapids Blogger Begins Look Towards 2024

Denver, CO - Bemoaning the 4-0 loss to the Seattle Sounders that signified the end of the, “rebuilding year,” of 2023, Rapids Blogger Abraham Weston sat down at his computer and began his exhaustive look towards 2024.

“I think that we have some possible pieces that can really compete for a playoff spot,” wrote Weston on his substack. “And if you eliminate the feeling of loss from the 2023 season, you can see some bright spots.”

Sources say that Weston was far more positive about the 2023 season than some Rapids fans who took to Twitter and LinkedIN to complain about the lack of investment in the squad. However, Weston tried to take the long term perspective.

“I believe that eventually there will be enough random chance that we will somehow put together a blue-collar team that will lunch pail ourselves to the Western Conference semi-final before we ultimately fail to progress due to not having a singular player that can take over a game. I can’t wait.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as other Rapids fans call Weston a paid shill.

Major League Soccer To Require All Teams Play in Indoor Stadiums Starting in 2024

NEW YORK – Stung by the rescheduling or postponement of inaugural weekend games in Portland and Los Angeles due to weather conditions, Major League Soccer (MLS) announced today that starting with the 2024 season, all MLS teams will be required to play home games in an indoor stadium.

Portland fan on their way to the home opener.,

“With the MLS season increasingly entering into poor-weather winter months due to league expansion, in-season cup competitions, and more playoff games, there is a need to ensure we have compatible playing conditions for games,” said Mark Abbott, President and Deputy Commissioner of Major League Soccer. “MLS believes the only viable solution is for teams to play indoors,” he continued.

At present, only two of 29 MLS teams – Atlanta and Vancouver – play in stadiums which can be made indoor with a retractable roof. Another 10 teams – Dallas, Houston, LAFC, LA Galaxy, Saint Louis, Minneapolis, Montreal, Toronto, Seattle and Miami – play in cities with an existing stadium – currently hosting American or Canadian football or baseball – that is either fully indoor or converts to indoor with a retractable roof. This will leave 17 current MLS teams having to scramble to convert their current stadium to allow for indoor play, or find an alternative indoor venue in a different city until that can be done.

As yet, most MLS teams have not announced how they intend to comply with this edict. Inquiries into the front offices by the Nutmeg News yielded only two responses. Portland Timbers, currently playing in a stadium owned by the city of Portland, are lobbying Portland mayor Ted Wheeler for city funds to purchase a 150,000 square foot tarpaulin to be secured to the roof of that stadium. NYCFC will temporarily relocate to Tropicana Field, an indoor baseball stadium and the current home of the Tampa Bay Rays.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FC Dallas reach out to the Sidekicks to see if they can rent Reunion Arena.

Despondent Philadelphia Union Fan Demands To Be Part Of Citywide Depression As Philadelphia Mourns Second Straight Championship Loss

Philadelphia, PA- Philadelphia Union fan Sam Hays demanded to be included in the citywide depression after the Eagles lost Super Bowl LVII to the football team from Kansas City extending the Philadelphia citywide curse to two straight major sports championship losses.

“Goddammit, I HURT TOO,” stated Hays to depressed friend and Eagles fan James Thurston.

Sources say that Hays felt distinctly left out as the city bemoaned the loss of two straight championships.

“WE LOST AS WELL, GODDAMMIT WE LOST AS WELL,” stated Hays. “I was THERE man. I had my heart ripped out. WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO DO TO COUNT.”

Sources indicate that local sports mourned the loss of the Phillies and the Eagles while a mention of the Union happened on the Philadelphia Inquirer, largely due to employing people who care.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hays spends most of Monday dovetailing the loss to his experience in 2022.

AppleTV Video Package For Inter Miami Prominently Features Carlos Valderrama Highlights

FORT LAUDERDALE – Inter Miami CF today released its promotional video package as part of MLS’s league-wide promotion of the exclusive broadcasting partnership with AppleTV. Many viewers were surprised to find that the package seem to primarily feature highlights of the play of Carlos Valderrama.

Valderrama, a Colombian international and MLS All-Time Best XI, has not played professional soccer for a Miami team since 1999, during a two-year run for the now-defunct Miami Fusion of the early MLS. Now, 61, Valderrama played 24 games and scored 3 goals for the Fusion between 1997 and 1999.

Asked for comment, Inter Miami’s press liaison stated “Inter Miami wanted to remind MLS fans of the long history of exciting football played in Fort Lauderdale.” Inter Miami had no comment on the lack of more recent highlights. In its three-year MLS history, the team has made the playoffs only once and have yet to score a playoff goal.

Eagle-eyed viewers also noted that the only highlight that appeared to show a goal scored by an Inter Miami player was instead a clip of Lionel Messi in a pink Barcelona kit, with the Inter Miami crest crudely inserted using what appeared to be 1990s computer-generated imaging technology.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a de-aged Johan Cruyff appears to line up for D.C. United in a new promotional reel.

Chicago Fire Apple Music Playlist Just 4 Hours Of Man Screaming

INTERNET - With the release of official Apple Music playlists for most Major League Soccer (MLS) teams, fans were quick to note that the Chicago Fire playlist is just 4 hours of a man screaming.

Artists Depiction

"We have playlists across MLS that reflect the culture and personality of the team they are made for,” stated Fire music curator Josiah Williams. “What better way for new fans to get the feeling of the Fire than a 4 hour track of someone screaming in an empty room?"

Sources state that the Fire created a playlist roundtable of unpaid volunteers to suggest tracks to the Fire music selection committee. Some of the reported options given to the team were empty dissonance, the sound of one hand clapping and a 26 hour cut of the Apocalypse Now clip of, “the horror, the horror,” played in Dolby Surround.

Fire GameDay staff say they're excited for new fans to connect the dots to come to a game by revealing it will be played before, during, and after Fire games in the future.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as excited fans can’t tell where their screaming begins and the playlist ends.

Groundhog Predicts Two More Weeks Without An NWSL Schedule

Punxsutawney, PA - Punxsutawney Phil, the prognosticator of prognosticators, was removed from his temporary residence and reported that he saw his shadow which means two more weeks without a National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) schedule.

WHERE IS IT!

Sources say that irate NWSL fans took to Twitter to voice their concerns over the schedule at Senior Writer with The Athletic Meg Linehan regarding the situation as some blamed her for the groundhogs prediction.

“I just want to know where the schedule is,” stated one anonymous NWSL fan. “I know that Meg knows that the groundhog knows that it isn’t going to be two more weeks, but I’d just like to know where it is.”

Sources indicate that Phil was in communication with the NWSL as they asked for more time.

“We can neither confirm nor deny that Phil was involved in the schedule makers,” stated one of Phils handlers. “However, we strongly rebuke any kind of indication that there was something inappropriate going on with the release of the schedule. Everything is above board and Phil sees his shadow or does not purely based upon his shadow and the weather.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the schedule is picked by a sentient octopus in Germany.

United States Soccer Teams Kick Off Black History Month By Looking For Black Front Office Employees

UNITED STATES - Soccer teams across the country kicked off their celebration of Black History Month by scouring their offices for employees who are black as they attempted to fulfil their diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) promises.

“We’ve been able to really find a few employees this time around,” stated one human resources manager. “Our office is extremely diversified if you count the players on the team. ESPECIALLY if you include players from French territories. EXTREMELY diversified.”

Sources say that one social media manager stated, “Has it really been a year?” before going to google to look up a quote from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. to post to the team’s Twitter feed. “It’s always exciting this time of year because I get to google so many different people for a week or two in February.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a Tom Jeffers, from the Sugar House neighborhood, retweets the Real Salt Lake Black History Month post as his moment of local defiance.

Success Of Welcome To Wrexham TV Show Spurs Billionaire Stan Kroenke To Spend Additional 50 Cents On Advertising

Denver, CO - The success of the Welcome to Wrexham television on Hulu spurred billionaire Colorado Rapids owner Stan Kroenke to spend an additional 50 cents on his advertising budget as he asked if the Rapids staff could buy a 10 second spot on local radio with the money.

“He was all gas after binge watching the series,” stated one Rapids insider. “He called up saying that we were going to up the advertising budget by 100%. A whole additional 50 cents! Wow! What a time to be alive.”

With multiple Rapids fans complaining about local Denver residents who became a fan of Welsh club Wrexham due to the international series, Kroenke saw his opportunity to respond to the jibes by trying to increase the budget of the team.

“With this 50 cents we can finally afford an additional granola bar,” stated one Rapids insider. “It certainly isn’t a 10 episode series detailing the insides of the club, showing our players, and explaining our history to the local population; but imagine the Brown Sugar Nature Valley bar that I can get with this.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an irate Kroenke demands cuts after his 50 cent venture doesn’t pay off.

"Better Late Than Never," Posts Andrew Carleton On His Way To Protest World Cup Final

WASHINGTON - A defiant Andrew Carleton posted, “Better late than never,” on his Instagram account at 4:50 in the morning as he indicated that he was on his way to protest the result of the World Cup Final on December 18th.

“Stop The Steal,” stated Carleton on his way into the airport to depart for Qatar, “If the world cup final is this close they WILL STEAL IT.”

Sources say that Carleton was radicalized to believe that FIFA were attempting to certify an invalid victory by Argentina as he stated, “If you count ALL the goals, the United States wins their games and is in the final. STOP THE STEAL.”

Experts conclude that the World Cup Final was valid and complete, with all goals that were goals counted, however that hasn’t stopped conspiracy theorists from claiming that the victory was invalid.

“We must get out in the streets in Qatar and raise our voice,” stated one American Outlaws member. “The USA needs all goals counted.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Carleton claims he never really believed in this when he talks the Las Vegas Lights public relations expert.

NISA Gift Baskets Stun Journalists With Voucher For Free Kickboxing Class Taught By George Juncaj

INTERNET - Soccer journalists across the United States were reportedly stunned when an unexpected NISA gift basket contained a voucher for a free kickboxing class taught by George Juncaj.

"This seems like a bad idea," said one anonymous reporter, "it also doesn't really seem like a gift."

The NISA basket also contained free shares of the Rochester franchise, a subscription to TivO, and a 3000 page manifesto on Pro/Rel.

“The instructions for obtaining shares in Rochester just told us to write how much we thought it was worth on the back of this envelope,” stated one national reporter. “And the envelope looked like it was stained with some kind of jam or jelly. At best, I was just really hoping for a gift certificate to Applebee’s.”

For their part, at least 5 reporters attempted to sign up for Jabbing With Juncaj only to find some limitations.

“He wants me to sign an NDA and even though the class is advertised as being taught by George Juncaj it states that the leader of the group may end up being Steven Juncaj, instead. It’s all just confusing.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NISA runs out of money to pay for the shipping of their baskets and asks journalists to print out the vouchers from their website instead.

Claudio Reyna Steps Down From Austin FC In Order To Spend More Time With His Son Blackmailing Coaches

Austin, TX - Stating, “These times were some of the best in my life,” a tearful Claudio Reyna stated that he would be leaving Austin FC in order to spend more time blackmailing the coaches of his son Gio Reyna.

“You only get a few years to really harass and blackmail coaches for your child,” stated Reyna. “And I’m determined to be present in my son’s life.”

Sources indicate that Reyna may have, in fact, been forced out of his position with the Major League Soccer (MLS) side. However, Reyna took a different tone.

“Too many times I saw players not have a relationship with their children,” stated Reyna. “But I want to be there for him from the moment I call the assistant manager with Dortmund to the time I hire a private investigator to leak information about whichever USMNT coach doesn’t play him in the next world cup.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Reyna takes a sabbatical from his advisor position in order to investigate rumors of the sex lives of Dortmund’s athletic trainers.

"For Legal Reasons, I Like To Think Of Him As Two Entirely Different Merritt Paulsons," States Don Garber

NEW YORK - Praising his good friend Merritt Paulson, Major League Soccer (MLS) Comissioner Don Garber stated that he was shocked that Evil Merritt Paulson’s Portland Thorns had two more scandals related to distribution of a controlled sustance and sexual harrassment.

“For legal reasons, I like to think of him as two entirely different Merritt Paulsons,” stated Don Garber. “The Merritt Paulson I know who owns the Portland Timbers would never foster an environment where people distribute codeine to players against their wishes and without a prescription, or where they endanger players by putting them under a sexual predator who then, after the crime, is praised by evil Merritt Paulson. No, the Merritt Paulson who owns the Timbers would NEVER do what the Merritt Paulson who owns the Thorns does.”

Indicating that Major League Soccer has no problems with Paulson, Garber praised the owner for his open nature.

“:He’s friends with everyone,” stated Garber. “And we are all friends with him, and I don’t think a friend could do any of this. It really is just an indication of an out of control organization that has nothing to do with Major League Soccer, despite being owned by the same person.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garber deflects and praises Paulson for his introspective and loving nature as he states, “He loves women! And really that’s his biggest fault”

ISC Conference On Dangers Of Gatekeeping Is Invite Only

Albuquerque, NM - Attendants at the Independent Supporters Council (ISC) conference in Albuquerque report that the invitation only ISC breakout on the dangers of gatekeeping kicks off today after a general meeting.

"Gatekeeping is one of the worst things that keeps soccer from growing,” states the conference literature. “If you're invited, you can hear how to keep gatekeeping from ruining your local teams fans."

Sources indicate that the private class will teach vetted attendants how to keep their supporters group authentic and open to new members.

“What we are learning about here is the perils of a closed and elitist version of supporters culture,” stated one source. “And if you would like to know more, then you will need to prove your acceptance so that I can share more with you.”

When asked if they'd share the presentation with the public, the ISC said that any concerned member of the public would be able to get the full notes if they find an ISC rep, obtain their sponsorship, obtain a private link login, get an official document password and perform a sacrificial scarf offering done in the traditional garb.

The Nutmeg News will have more as "Super Important Information To Have A Unified SG" starts the second day of the conference.

Pedants Celebrate Salt City Union

INTERNET - Pedants across North America were moderately whelmed as they celebrated the joining of Flower City Union and Syracuse Pulse to create a technically correct Salt City Union of two teams.

“We have long suffered unions that weren’t union,” stated Timothy Carmichael Brown III of Syracuse. “Our dislike of the factually incorrect was learned by rote as we were formed in our early days. Fake unions exist at nearly every level, but finally we can raise a METAPHORICAL glass, as I’m currently drinking from a disposable cardboard cup, to Salt City Union.”

Sources indicate that celebrations were muted as the technically correct ensured that those around them were completely informed of the subject.

“What we notice immediately is that the Union in the CHESTER area are not formed from a Union nor formed via a Union nor a Union in Philadelphia, but in fact are not Union in any way. NOW we can celebrate the formation of a Union team from a Union to form a better Union as the framers would indicate,” stated Carmichael Brown III.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Carmichael Brown III explains the OFFSIDE rule, not the offsides rule.