Inter Miami Increasingly Confident They'll Sign Tom Brady

Major League Soccer (MLS) teams including Inter Miami were apparently preparing bids for former NFL player Tom Brady after the long time quarterback was knocked out of the NFL playoffs on Sunday.

Inter Miami were reportedly the closest to making a deal with Brady which would make the San Mateo superstar the highest -paid player in MLS history, according to a report Monday in The Nutmeg News.

Brady, who’s out of contract with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers through the 2022-23 American season, is currently at the supplements store and is reportedly being lured by a league-record sum. The Herons are also reportedly l0ooking into reuiniting him with Buccaneers teammate Rob Gronkowski.

Miami are “confident” of reaching an agreement with the three time Best NFL player ESPY award winner. Brady, who turns to dust in August, would join the Hrerons once his contract with Balco expires this summer.

As it now stands, Toronto FC star Lorenzo Isnsigne is the highest-paid player in MLs with a base salary of $14 million.

Gio Reyna's Parents Threaten To Move Son To Another Team After He Fails To Win USSF Player Of The Year

CHICAGO - Sources indicate that the irate parents of Gio Reyna called the United States Soccer Federation to threaten moving their son to another team after he failed to win the USSF Player of the year for 2023.

Screaming, “We w ill PULL him out of this program,” an irate Claudio Reyna reportedly added, “WHO ELSE IS GOING TO BRING THE ORANGE SLICES TO PRACTICE?! YOU THINK THAT HAPPENS ON ITS OWN?”

Sources indicate that the federation was being pressured by the parents of Reyna to make Reyna the player of the year in compensation for, “being completely mistreated by these jokers.” However, neither their threats of keeping the practice cones at home nor their rumored bribe of a $20 Applebees gift card did anything to sway the opinion of those at the Federation.

“We have to keep things on the up and up,” stated one Federation official. “Now if that had been Panera, it might have been a different story.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Reyna’s parents call Dortmund to demand a view into their starting 11.

Slow Descent Into Hell Begins With Child's Youth Soccer Registration

Denver, CO - Parent Rob Rivera acknowledged his slow descent into hell with a muffled, “shit,” as he clicked register on his 8 year old son’s youth soccer application.

Move your FEET!

YOU CALL THAT TRACKING BACK?

“Fuck no I don’t want to be a coach,” stated Rivera as he navigated the endless forms he had to fill out in order to get his son on the field. “I just want him to burn off some energy and see if he likes the game.”

Sources indicate that Rivera still claims he isn’t going to, “get sucked into this whole thing,” despite shopping for an emblazoned team polo with his name embroidered on it.

“I can handle myself appropriately,” stated Rivera. “This coach better know what they are doing, though. I want to see coordinated attack and defense, not just some formless amoeba out there.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as a visibly energetic Rivera is asked to either join the coaching staff or remove himself from the sidelines 10 minutes into game 1.

Major League Soccer Announces 29 Team 34 Game Playoffs

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) today announced a 29 team 34 game playoff system that will follow the 34 game season currently played by the 29 teams in the league.

“We want to give the fans what they want,” stated Don Garber, the commissioner of Major League Soccer, “and that’s to give us more of their money.”

Sources indicate that the Major League Soccer regular season will seed teams for the 34 game playoff which will ultimately finish with a 34 team knock out round.

“The MLS Championship game will be a best of seven series and will start two days after the start of the 2024 training camp,” stated one league insider. “The winner will have an additional 6 hours to notify players that will not be returning for the season that has already begun.”

Major League Soccer stated that the 34 game playoffs will be available for an additional subscription on Apple TV that current subscribers of the MLS package can purchase for a discount of $99.

“Every game will be available without blackouts and you can watch your team play in the MLS Playoffs for only an additional $99, which does not include the championship best of seven series,” stated Garber.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league changes the deciding game of the 7 game MLS Championship to a Royal Rumble with each team in the league playing until all its players are carded or injured.

MLS Social Media Manager Makes It Through Monday, Again, Without Quitting

INTERNET - Jeff Abrams, an MLS team social media manager, stated that he considered it a major victory as he managed to make it through Monday, again, without quitting his job.

“I did update my resignation letter,” stated Abrams to The Nutmeg News, “but I didn’t send it in. I consider that a success. Honestly the comments weren’t even that bad today.”

Sources indicate that Abrams has considered quitting every single Monday for the last year since the shine wore off his job midway through his first season two years ago.

“I just didn’t realize what this whole job was,” stated Abrams with a blank stare as he reflexively shivered at a phone notification. “Its… alot.. I mean.. look… it’s… look, I can’t explain it but… it’s just… sometimes, well sometimes it’s great, but when it’s bad it is like sticking your head into hot tar as people yell at you for not being burned enough.”

Abrams claimed that despite all of that, there are moments where everything comes together.

“Yeah, when you nail a campaign that you’ve been working on it’s really satisfying up until you release it and despite the universal acclaim you manage to see the 10 comments from people who are perpetually upset at everything and you fixate upon that despite the great response and well, I’m thinking of trying to find a therapist to help me when I transition out of this job.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Abrams updates his resume dates, changes his resignation letter in the drafts and looks at job advertisements on LinkedIn as part of his “Self Care Tuesday”.

Robert Kraft States That He's, "Optimistic About A Revolution Stadium," For Record 29th Year

Boston, MA - Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Revolution, stated that he is, "Optimistic about a Revolution stadium," for a record 29th year as the quest to continue stringing along the fans of the local soccer team continued unabated.

THIS time it's true! I GUARANTEE it.

"I'm absolutely optimistic about a Revolution stadium," stated Kraft as he continued to ensure that the team has zero advertising and operating budget. "I looked at some dirt, recently. I liked that dirt. It reminded me that I should be optimistic about a stadium."

Reportedly, Kraft became optimistic about a New England Revolution stadium when he was working on some business for his one true love, the New England Patriots, and realized that he hadn't made a statement in some months about a stadium project that seems unlikely to ever manifest.

"It's been some time since I hinted at something that hasn't happened, and I needed to set the record for the 28th year in a row."

Research shows that Kraft has been optimistic about a Revolution stadium since the team was founded back in 1994 and that his ability to promise and not deliver is somehow reflective of the way in which he runs the Revolution as some kind of absentee father who realizes that his child has good grades and promises to spend more time with them before heading down to the bar to drink with the Patriots fans.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kraft remembers to be optimistic about a Revolution stadium in 2024, 2025 and 2026, as well.

Poll Of 2400 People Who Think Gregg Berhalter Is A Literal Hellspawned Demon Shows Huge Support For New USMNT Coach

INTERNET - A Twitter poll commissioned by @11YankUSMNT asking 2400 of the people he follows who think Gregg Berhalter is a literal demon dedicated towards sucking the life out of USYNT players in Europe showed huge support for a new USMNT coach.

“Here it is… In Black and White,” stated @11YankUSMNT to his Twitter followers. “The trust is broken and I think we can all say that we gave this satanic hellspawn a fair chance.”

Sources indicate that the discussion was frank and fair on the topic as @USMNTRedWhite stated, “I’m not saying Gregg is incompetent… I’m saying he is pure evil and I hate him and I think he intentionally sat Gio Reyna in an attempt to lose to make us all suffer.”

For his part, @11YankUSMNT indicated that he felt the poll was fair.

“I think that what we have here is a sampling of very passionate fans who care whether or not the head coach of the USMNT was a hellspawn demon selected by a shadow cabal dedicated to corruption and keeping the game down locally.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as @11YankUSMNT claims to know insider information without actually giving any insider information.

David Villa Issues Statement Supporting Claudio Reyna Stating, "He Knows How To Keep Secrets"

INTERNET - Former NYCFC player David Villa allegedly issued a statement supporting Claudio Reyna stating, “He knows how to keep secrets,” as he issued a strongly worded appreciation of the sporting director during his time with NYCFC.

“Claudio is the kind of person who knows how to keep his mouth shut and wouldn’t raise the alarm at frivolous claims,” stated Villa in his online statement. “As the sporting director during my time with NYCFC, I was able to trust him to keep my confidence and concerns private and I would expect him to do the same in any circumstances.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Reyna claims that THIS situation was more important.

General Hospital Pre-Empted To Show Live Re-Enactment Of USMNT Scandal

The long running soap opera General Hospital was pre-empted, today, by coverage of the US Soccer scandal live re-enactment featuring Woody Harrleson as Gregg Berhalter and Ben Stiller as Claudio Reyna as they act out the current incestuous and petty drama consuming the United States Men’s Soccer Team.

As the saga is utilizing breaking news of Gio Reyna’s mother reporting Gregg Berhalter to the US Soccer sporting director for purported domestic abuse from 30 years ago, some of the action has been a retelling of the facts leading up to the current situation as the players acted out the drama that occurred during the recent World Cup.

“We are hoping that by the time we get through the exclusion of Gio Reyna from the lineup and the dramatic phone call made by Danielle Reyna that we will have a syndication deal,” stated showrunner Paul Fields. “As of right now, we are shooting from a soundstage in Burbank, but if we get a syndication deal we will recreate some of the Qatari locker room scenes in Vancouver.”

Fans are reportedly picking sides as they navigate the embarrassing high-school drama consuming this group of so-called professionals.

“Danielle was RIGHT,” stated @RelForEveryone on Twitter. “No one is above the law and if this is what it takes to get Berhalter out than I don’t care.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the US Men’s Team continues to be an embarrassment.

"Everything I Need To Know About Manchester City Fans Comes From Watching Jamie Tartt's Dad"

Denver, CO - New soccer fan Paul Stewart sagaciously nodded at his friends as they all gathered around the television on Boxing Day to watch soccer as he boldly stated, “Everything I need to know about Manchester City fans comes from watching Jamie Tartt’s dad,” as he sipped at the Heineken in front of him.

“They are violent reprobates and I want them to lose,” stated Stewart to the collective group. “Did you see the murder in his eyes? I can’t be involved in that.”

Sources indicate that Stewart started watching Ted Lasso with his girlfriend in the leadup to Christmas and the actions of character Jamie Tartt’s father lead him towards ruling Manchester City out as the team he could support.

“If I’m going to support someone it’s going to be a team with people I can believe in, like Wrexham,” stated Stewart. “Now that I’ve watched that documentary, It’s informed me completely and utterly about the character of the fans there.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stewart starts Sunderland Til I Die in an attempt to inform himself of the character of people from, “wherever that is in England.”

Area Soccer Expert Now Available On Mastodon, Counter Social, TikTok, BeReal, Instagram, Hinge, Myspace, DeviantArt, Grinder, ICQ, IRC, Discord, Slack, MiGente, Tumblr, LinkedIn, And SomethingAwful

INTERNET - Area soccer expert James @soccertruthUSMNT23 McAvoy today announced that he was available on Mastodon, Counter Social, TikTok, BeReal, Instagram, Facebook, Myspace, Hinge, Christian Mingle, Bumble, Farmers Only, Only Fans, DeviantArt, Grinder, ICQ, IRC, Discord, Slack, Google+, MiGente, Teams, Asana, Tumblr, LinkedIn, And SomethingAwful.

“In case you’ve left Twitter and you still want to see my content, thoughts and musings on the world of soccer I made certain to be available,” stated McAvoy to his 324 followers.

Sources indicate that McAvoy decided to diversify his social media presence with the departure of many of the more successful people he follows on Twitter to other sites.

“They were doing this and if I’m seeing other people who make a living talking about soccer leaving for greener pastures, then I need to ensure that the people who follow me for witty insights into the Austrian second division up and coming players who may be American, well I should give them that opportunity.”

Sources say that McAvoy’s girlfriend is nonplussed as she was unavailable to comment due to lack of existence.

“I already followed him on Mastodon, but he told me to follow him on Tumblr and LinkedIN as well,” stated one follower. “There’s only so many places I need to read about his insights into the fractured landscape of American soccer.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as McAvoy spends 5 hours updating all the sites he posts from for one witty observation on mixing Sprite and Root Beer.

American Who Hates Politics In Sports Excited About France Morocco Semi-final

Albany, NY - Stating, “they are really just trying to divide us by shoehorning politics into everything,” soccer fan Caden Kyle stated that he is really excited about the upcoming France/Morocco World Cup game.

"Politics should never be in sport,” stated Kyle to The Nutmeg News. “I want a break from the outside world in national team soccer. Qatar 2022 isn’t about politics, it’s about soccer. That’s absolutely the case. I watch the World Cup to relax, and I can't wait for France/Morocco. It should be a simple, drama free game!"

Sources indicate that Kyle has long complained that, “The NFL and NBA have just become too filled with politics recently,” as he declined to indicate what politics he is talking about.

“I just remember that when I was a kid, sports was all about sports. You go and watch a video about the Dream Team or Dr J dunking or the Miracle on Ice and tell me any of that was about politics. NO! It was simply just good old fashion classic sports. These days you can’t even watch a basketball game without everyone being all political all the time. But with these countries playing each other? It’s just the underdog story of the tournament. Two countries facing off across a soccer field. It’s classic sports!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kyle grumbles about the online presence of a tiny group of soccer fans who can’t let, “all this political crap go.”

ESPN Hosts Excited To Get Back To Ignoring Domestic Soccer Again

Bristol, CT - ESPN hosts of various programs on the channel from SportsCenter to Pardon The Interruption were reportedly excited to get back to ignoring domestic soccer again after it was announced that ESPN only had the USL remaining as a domestic soccer related IP for 2023.

“We are just happy to not even have to think about it,” stated one internal staffer. “Previously we would have notes to work in certain topics about MLS or… heaven forbid… the US Open Cup and now we can spend those topics talking about Bronny’s potential and whether Tom Brady should come back for another season with the Patriots.”

Sources indicate that after ESPN lost out on nearly every domestic soccer league or tournament that champagne bottles were popped in the Sports Center studios.

“No more US Soccer,” stated one excited intern. “Now all we have to do is figure out how to suppress a resurgence of Hockey related topics and it will be all hot takes on the NFL, ranting heads firing know-nothing takes on the work rate of Draymond Green and people yelling about the morals of the student athletes at the NCAA. WE ARE BACK!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as someone tells an intern to “Shut Up” when they mention putting a soccer goal in the sports center Top 10.

USSF Softens Berhalter Contract Extension With Taylor Swift Tweet

CHICAGO - In anticipation of the online furor certain to take place upon its announcement, the US Soccer Federation released Gregg Berhalter’s contract extension with a "It's Me, I'm the problem It's me” video that contained a smiling Berhalter signing what appeared to be a blank document in front of a green screen.

Sources indicate that this is the sign of a new direction with regards to the Social Media content of the notoriously insular US Soccer as they are operating under the directive of, “For The Lulz,” going forward.

"The For The Lulz initiative is something that will really allow us to connect with our fans,” stated one USSF insider. “We plan to be more meme focused and that will hopefully lead to a better relationship between our younger fans and the federation.”

The long anticipated announcement also contained the lyrics of "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" and the number 7. When asked what this was, the USSF press officer just said "great song isn't it"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the US Soccer twitter account leaves Gio Reyna out of their player selection of “Who Got That Rizz”

Scientists Thrilled As Toxic USMNT Debate Successfully Creates Nuclear Fusion

Livermore, CA - Scientists with the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory in Livermore, California claimed victory over a decades long attempt to create nuclear fusion as they harnessed the toxic online USMNT debate after the World Cup to create a net energy gain via Nuclear Fusion.

“Nuclear fusion happens when two or more atoms are fused into one larger one,” stated Livermore public relations official Rod Williams. “Scientists were able to use all of the fusion from people conflating the situation with Gio Reyna, Gregg Berhalter, Jordan Morris, and MLS Players into a supernova of power.”

US Energy Secretary Jennifer Granholm will make an announcement on Tuesday of a “major scientific breakthrough,” the department announced.

“We have salty, toxic, and paranoid USMNT fans to thank for this possible breakthrough in clean energy,” stated a spokesperson for Granholm. “They were able to take so many unrelated issues and make them part of one giant issue that the resultant energy yield will now power innovation that will take us into a new era of technology and clean energy.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as watchers with the Doomsday clock move the hands ever closer to extinction as they warn that USMNT fans are now focused again on dividing their arguments down to the atom and creating a timebomb again.

Gio Reyna Stan Now Spending More Time Thinking And Talking About Reyna Than Reyna Himself

INTERNET - After spending nearly the entirety of his weekend online arguing about USMNT and Dortmund player Gio Reyna, Skylar Philips was made aware that he is spending more time thinking about Reyna than Reyna himself.

Reyna? Reyna! Reyna…. Reyna! Reyna, reyna reyna reyna. REYNA.

Reyna

REyna

REYNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

“There was a 90 minute period where Philips was passionately and unendingly arguing about the treatment of Reyna by Gregg Berhalter and the US Soccer Federation,” stated Harvard scientist Noble Sanderson. “At this time, Reyna himself was playing and focused only on the game in front of himself. It was during this time that Philips spent more time thinking about Reyna than Reyna himself.”

Philips reportedly defended Reyna with terminal intensity while performing all the mundane activities of his life from bed to breakfast to coffee to taking a shit to brushing his teeth to staring at himself staring at a phone in the mirror as he tried to figure out how to do anything……something that would add value to the world.

“It was just after the Dortmund friendly that we were able to validate that Philips is now thinking more about Reyna than Reyna,” stated Sanderson. “And now this continued all the way through the weekend. While Reyna was napping, Philips was online harassing journalists about Reyna’s treatment by the coaching staff. While Reyna was in REM sleep, Philips was creating a Free Reyna meme online. While Reyna was brushing his teeth, Philips was continuing on his campaign to blame the collected United States journalists for not doing their job of freeing Reyna.”

For his part, Philips stated that he didn’t see a problem with any of this as he stated, “As a lonely person who is terminally online it is part of my peroggative to fill all my waking hours by acting like a complete lunatic online. Who is to say that there isn’t a global cabal dedicated towards propping up Major League Soccer by ensuring player quotas. Gio Reyna is just the tip of the iceberg. If you go to Lucky Bob’s pizza store in Wilmington, DE in the basement you find the REAL USSF shadow cabal drinking the blood of youth soccer they are restricting from moving to Europe.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Philips states that Reyna must Reyna about Reyna and Reyna all the Reyna.

USMNT Fan Ready To Make Croatia Moving On All About The USMNT

INTERNET - Stating, "What this Croatia victory tells us is that in order for the United States to beat Brazil, we need to be more Croatia in every aspect, whatever that is," soccer fan Steve Smith took to his @RedWhiteAndBlueballs account to turn Croatia's victory over Brazil into a referendum on the USMNT. "Croatia has the population about one of our states, we just need to have everyone in the state, any of them, play soccer, then we'd be able to move on."

Smith reportedly spent most of Friday googling what it is about Croatia that makes them great on the international level as he attempted to make everything good about the team relevant to the USMNT.

"This isn't about the quality of Croatia's development. This is clearly about how Pulisic (who is Croatian by the way) is not getting enough good players to get us to win a World Cup. If he wants to be considered an all time great, then he is responsible for bringing in more Croatian players into the lineup, or at least converting promising Croatian youths with the idealistic life of youth soccer in the United States. Who doesn’t dream of paying huge sums of money to play soccer, travelling long distances to play in tournaments and hoping to make the right kind of residency for a team that the US Soccer Federation will actually scout for talent."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Smith spends most of Saturday researching what about Portugal makes them relevant to the USMNT.

German National Team Announces Sudden And Immediate Boycott Of 2022 World Cup

QATAR - Hansi Flick, head coach of the German National team, suddenly announced that Germany would immediately be boycotting the rest of the 2022 World Cup in light of the human rights condition and for, “NO OTHER REASON.”

Flick seen here smiling before the tournament.

"Uh... We totally meant to do that because this whole time we've been boycotting this inhumane World Cup. We are happy to no longer be participating in it, completely by choice by the way,” stated Flick to The Nutmeg News.

Fans were reportedly perplexed as the team appeared to be on their way out of tournament regardless of the proposed boycott.

“I believe that they actually were eliminated from the tournament” stated Deiter Hass, of Berlin.

However, for his part, Flick stated that the team was absolutely 100% boycotting the round of 16, in a very visible way.

“This is the least we can do. We will now stand with our hands over our mouths permanently by not being at the tournament anymore,” stated Flick.

Nutmeg News will have more as the DFB pays $10000 in airline change fees for an "earlier than expected flight"

Merritt Paulson Announces Sale Of The Thorns In Order To Focus On Rebuilding The Abusive Front Office Culture At The Timbers

Portland, OR - The owner of the Portland Thorns and Timbers, Merritt Paulson, announced that he would be selling the Portland Thorns in order to focus on rebuilding and furthering the abusive front office culture at the Portland Timbers.

“For too long I’ve had a split attention between the two teams and I haven’t given the growth of the abusive culture at the Timbers the time it needs,” stated Paulson to The Nutmeg News. “With the sale of the Thorns I can finally work on re-creating the toxic environment of yes men and sexual harassers that was pulled out from underneath me by a small minority of toxic, hateful fans online who just can’t accept boys being boys.”

Sources indicate that Paulson has long held a grudge against anyone who wants to question his absolute rule over the Timbers and was devastated when he no longer had friends in the front office to make lewd and sexist jokes with about his employees.

“He’s been moping around in his office ignoring reports from human resources by himself,” stated one Timbers insider. “Usually he spends the afternoon trying to figure out if his front office teams can operate with fewer employees and setting up a spam filter on any emails regarding employee complaints so that he can claim that he never saw them.”

For his part, Paulson expressed that the sale of the Thorns came with a great amount of fondness for the team.

“This team has been a part of my life from the time I hired an abusive coach to the time that I ignored multiple players alleging sexual and emotional abuse to the time that I covered up the actions of my general manager, president of the team and at least one player,” stated Paulson

The Nutmeg News will have more as Paulson plans for the eventual sale of the Timbers upon his death with the conditiont that the team be moved to Las Vegas.

USMNT Draw Proclaimed A Huge Victory For Angry US Soccer Reply Guys On Twitter

INTERNET - Angry US Soccer Reply Guys claimed a major victory as the United States Men’s National Team drew 0-0 against England at the 2022 Qatar Dead Migrant Worker World Cup.

“I’ve never been so happy to have so many of my preconceived notions about this team come true,” stated @AmericaFirstEagleUSMNT. “This just proves that GGG is GGGONE if he was (mls sucks) with a better team (mls sucks) or a better management and MLS Sucks.”

Sources indicate that United States Twitter was overrun by reply guys, self nominated pundits, podcast hosts and youtube talking heads who immediately took to the internet to voice their opinion on how to fix everything wrong with the team’s implosion and/or tell everyone else that this was a great result.

“We saw a massive spike of people complaining to other people about the players both being good and being bad and the manager being both good and bad and the federation being bad,” stated one online researcher. “The consensus was that other fans needed to know that this was a great terrible result full of great and terrible moments that somehow these other fans that needed to know that everything was good and bad at the same time heralding the dawn of a new era and also the decline of the sport locally until everything gets fixed. This corresponded with people replying to other people saying Major League Soccer sucks and others rebutting that statement by saying that Major League Soccer is the best, other than England, Germany, Italy and parts of the Dutch league.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Colorado Springs USMNT fan Daniel Anderson takes time to proclaim that the US is the best nation in the world.