Cyber Monday Kit Purchase Of Cult Player Guaranteed To Not Immediately Backfire

Soccer fan Heather Williams stated that she was absolutely certain that her Cyber Monday kit purchase was guaranteed to not immediately backfire as she selected a personalized kit with a delivery date of December 18th.

Guaranteed to get you one nod from “that guy” at the game that you recognize but don’t actually know who knows everything about the teams from four years ago but not from 10 years ago.

“Yeah, so, I had to customize the jersey because they weren’t a player option,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “I’m VERY confident that there’s no way they get traded while this thing ships.”

Friends state that Williams slavish devotion to outcasts and fringe players lead to a varied kit collection of players that are now on their third team from the time when she acquired their kit.

However, Williams was adamant that this time there wasn’t an issue.

“I know that the ownership group is going to value their contribution, this time,” stated Williams. “Some people think that I’m stupid for doing this but I know that there’s no way this is going to immediately backfire on me.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as MLS, the NWSL, the USL and the NPSL lets everyone know there’s only 24 hours left for the Cyber After Monday sale

Owner John Ingram Celebrates Nashville SC Inaugural Season By Creating A Literal Moneyball

Springfield, NJ - Nashville SC Co-owner John Ingram reportedly celebrated the inaugural Nashville SC season by creating an actual soccer ball made of money to reflect the Moneyball nature of his team.

“We nearly spent the least and we made the most,” stated Ingram to The Nutmeg News. “I can’t wait for season three and four when we raise prices incrementally across the board.”

The son of billionaire Martha Ingram, John R. Ingram was pivotal in ensuring the creation of the team in Nashville and empowered general manager Mike Jacobs to employ the moneyball strategy that they used effectively during 2020.

“We’re not gonna spend like Atlanta, Miami, Toronto or Seattle despite having the literal financial backing to do that,” stated Jacobs. “We may have a bunch of billionaires, but we are going to spend like millionaires.”

Ingram reportedly spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to commission his Moneyball that he will display in a trophy room at his second vacation home.

“This Moneyball will be an indication of all the hard work involved in scouting and keeping our costs low,” stated Ingram. “Long may the Moneyball live.”

The Nutmeg News will have more when it turns out that the Moneyball is composed entirely of $1 bills.

MLS Fan Buys Advent Calendar Pre-Loaded With 25 Reasons To Hate Their Own Team

Major League Soccer fan Andrew Reynolds decided on a new gift for the upcoming holiday season as he purchased an Advent Calendar pre-loaded with 25 reasons to hate his own team, packaged with a candy to soften the blow.

This will probably help you get through the calendar.

“There’s things that I completely forgot about,” stated Reynolds to The Nutmeg News. “Every day is a new surprise and reason to question why I willingly support this team!”

The MLS Advent Calendar is, reportedly, a calendar derivative of the popular 25 gins of Christmas where each day you open up a window to a new surprise.

According to the Rand Corporation (manufacturer of the calendar) each day will remind fans of the utterly dumb, racist, sexist and insulting tragicomedies that cover the full expanse of the modern supporters experience.

“Day 13 is the time when the general manager racially insulted the entire nation of Bolivia…. or was it Peru… I can’t remember,” stated Reynolds.

“I really enjoyed day 8 where the calendar reminded me that our supporters group leader used merch money on paying his own bills. That one came with a peanut butter cup. Day 3 was the membership council election that devolved into petty attacks and private facebook groups dedicated towards voter campaigning. Day 10 was the time that we found out that the owner financially supported Gay and Lesbian conversion camps and Day 11 was the time when it turns out that, on Facebook, a good number of anonymous fans of the team supported those same camps. Day 23 was the reminder of the time when the Owner intentionally tried to take out the supporters group by banning groups of people he didn’t like. Day 16 was the time when the acting manager criticized the fans for not being loud as the reason why the team lost. Day 4 was a reminder of the time when a bunch of new fans showed up to a friendly and made national news by yelling racial and homophobic slurs on camera. Day 14 was the time when the front office moved the supporters group, without asking anyone, into the full sun part of the stadium.”

And Reynolds indicated that the best was yet to come as he stated, “The final day was really well done reminding me that my team actively covered up harassment. I had a moment where I asked when that happened and I realized it hasn’t happened, YET. Great thing to end the calendar on as we go into next year.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as MLS fans preorder the MLS New Years Ball that recites all the problems their team will have going into 2021.

Orlando City Announce Buy One - Infect One Playoff Ticket Deal

Orlando, FL - With the global pandemic continuing to rage on and deaths from COVID-19 at their highest peak since early May, Orlando City Soccer Club announced a Buy One - Infect One playoff ticket deal.

Turns you that you can also watch it on TV.

“We know that cases are on the rise everywhere and that Orange County has had more than 6,016 cases within the past 14 days with the median age being 35 years old, but THIS IS THE PLAYOFFS BABY,” stated the OCSC director of ticketing. “It’s time to get into the supporters section and stand shoulder to shoulder to cheer on, loudly, the boys in purple. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. LITERALLY! This might be your only time to see the team in the playoffs before you or someone you love is intubated.”

Sources with the front office say that the team is taking appropriate steps such as cancelling the OCOxygen Bar and attempting to pretend like they are going to force fans to sit far away from each other.

“We’re excited to announce that you can not only get a ticket to the upcoming home game, but you can also infect a friend with COVID as well,” stated on OCSC source. “It adds to the excitement of the playoffs. This whole thing takes win or go home to a new level!”

Legal advisers for The Nutmeg News noticed that on the back of the ticket there is a 100000 word contract saying that they aren’t liable for anyone that you infect and they also can’t promise a ticket if the government steps in and finally closes teams from having fans in the stands.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as OCSC offers fans a 1% off a 2021 hat if they get infected at any game.

MLS Announces LAFC As The 2020 Champion*

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) today announced that Los Angeles Football Club was their 2020 Champion*

*(of teams that should be champion).

“When you look at the season as a whole,” stated Commissioner Don Garber, “we feel that LAFC were the best team that weren’t the best team but were also the best team overall, on paper.”

Sources indicate that writers and editors with Major League Soccer would present a 2 months series to illustrate exactly why this lineup and roster were the best* in Major League Soccer despite their recent playoff exit.

“I don’t think you can mark down the performance in a one off playoff game as an indication of their greatness,” stated one anonymous source. “But I also don’t think you can look at their performance over the season an indication of their greatness either. Their greatness really comes from perceived greatness, which is the greatness of a champion.”

With LAFC finishing the season seventh in the west, and knocked out of the quarter finals of the MLS IS BACK THE TOURNAMENT tournament, the team collected their 2020 Championship* from the league with ready arms.

“While the season may not have ended the way we wanted,” stated LAFC coach Bob Bradley. “It’s comforting to know that we are the selection of the league to be the 2020 Chamipons*.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league writes a new article about the upcoming 2021 championship team for LAFC.

Kevin Durant Cutout Suddenly Has New England Revolution Jersey On After Union Elimination

Chester, PA - Sources indicate that a cardboard cutout of Kevin Durant switched from wearing a Philadelphia Union t-shirt to a New England Revolutions jersey after the Union were eliminated on Tuesday night.

How the game started……

“We check our fan submissions very carefully,” stated Union director of Stadium affairs, Brant McKenzie. “So we’re not sure who or what replaced the Kevin Durant cutout. We’re not sure one even existed.”

The cutout of Durant was questioned after the game and stated, “I talked with my agent, and we knew it was a good move for me and my career to cheer for the Revs. I’m ready for the next stage in my MLS fandom.”

Fans were reportedly not shocked in any way by this development as Union fans attempted to rip out the cutouts in an effort to throw them at the Union players as they departed the field.

“I always KNEW he was a Revs guy,” stated Union fan Hank “Sezzie” Cathlen.

The cardboard cutout of Durant had the last word, however, as he took time to let fans know his deep love and appreciation of being a Union fan until the first Revolution goal went in the net.

“I will miss Philadelphia, and the role I have had in cheering this remarkable team. I will forever cherish the relationships within the organization — the friends and teammates that I went to war with in the stands for 26 minutes, and all the fans and people of the community. They have always had my back unconditionally, and I cannot be more grateful for what they have meant to my family and to me.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Durant asks his agent about Orlando this time of year.

Eliminated TFC Punished By Being Forced To Return To More Functional Country

Hartford, CT - Eliminated Toronto Football Club (TFC) were punished by Major League Soccer by being forced to return to Canada, on Tuesday night.

“They can take their brand of togetherness and solidarity that took them through this pandemic in a remote place far away from their families and go back to their socialist utopia,” stated MLS scheduler Ralph Anderson.

Sources with the league state that they immediately revoked the travel visas of the TFC players as they instructed them to return to the hellscape of Toronto where they can safely watch the United States continue to implode from a significant decay of the faculties of at least 70 million people.

“I say AMERICA…. LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT,” stated one Hartford housekeeper as Jonathan Osorio started sprinting for the border as fast as he possibly could. “If these people don’t want to stay around here and watch us argue about whether or not there is a deep state cult that exists to tear down conservative commentators on Twitter in an effort to have hidden sex cults in the basements of pizza places then they can GO!”

“We’re so happy… I mean sad, to leave,” stated one anonymous TFC player. “It was great being in a country being at the brink of collapse, and we understand MLS’ decision to send us back to free healthcare and high taxes that go back to a functioning society that isn’t completely tearing itself apart based upon unsourced and anonymous rumors posted on an image board used by 13 year old edgelords.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Toronto players buy 100 pounds of all dressed chips at a nearby Safeway and blast Drake from their team bus as the players celebrate the return to their country and their families.

Red Bull New York And NYCFC Battle Over Arrival Gate At JFK

NEW YORK - After both teams were bounced from the playoffs on the road, New York City Football Club (NYCFC) and Red Bull New York (RBNY) continued their constant intra-city competition against each other by battling over the arrival gate for their returning airplanes at JFK International Airport.

“THIS TERMINAL IS BLUE,” stated NYCFC fan and terminal agent Jimmie Oliver as he gestured to the returning plane that carried his defeated team.

“THIS TERMINAL AND THE BAGGAGE CLAIM IS RED,” stated RBNY fan and airport Sbarro employee Heather Cook.

Researchers indicate that both teams attempted to wrest control of the jet bridge and gate to prevent the other from establishing a foothold at the airport.

“We MUST control this jet bridge,” stated one anonymous NYCFC executive. “If we control this jet bridge then we will control the baggage handlers and if we control the baggage handlers then we will control the city.”

For their part, RBNY executives were less overt about their attempts to wrest control of the airport from the clutches of their blue adversaries.

“If the airport WANTS soccer, then it knows where we are,” stated one anonymous RBNY staffer. “We feel like we don’t need to advertise our credentials for true fans to know that we exist.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it is officially revealed that New York is…. out of the playoffs.

San Jose Earthquakes In-Flight WiFi Also Blocked By Tim Melia

Kansas City, MO - Players for the San Jose Earthquakes reported that their in-flight WiFi access was also blocked by Tim Melia as the team flew home after their penalty kick loss in the playoffs.

“I paid extra for this and now I can’t access anything,” stated one anonymous player. “This is ridiculous! It’s just Tim Melia… EVERY TIME. He’s stopping us again!”

Sources indicate that it wasn’t just that the WiFi that was blocked, but the manner in which it happened.

“I tried to log into Gmail and it acted like it was going to work,” stated one anonymous Earthquakes assistant coach. “But right at the moment when the page was going to load, up popped Tim Melia and I got nowhere.”

Reporters to the flight attendants apparently fell on ears unable to stop Melia from blocking the internet as the crew tried everything to resolve the situation.

“I got really close,” stated Chris W. “I really thought I had google loading and then … BAM….. Melia. I thought I had CNN loading and then…. BAM… Melia. It’s GETTING REALLY OLD.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Tim Melia prevents the Earthquakes from landing at their assigned gate.

Orlando City SC Break Four Year Attendance Record During Peak COVID Month

Orlando, FL - A simultaneously jubilant and ashamed stadium fact checker stated that Orlando City SC broke a four year attendance record during their playoff game against NYCFC today as they packed in the crowd during the peak COVID month of the year.

“We don’t know if we should be happy or sad,” stated ticket sales manager Henry Applebottom. “We didn’t expect this many people to come, in fact we told our ticket reps to tell people to stay home. We’re not sure if they actually did that.”

Sources indicate that the front office management spent the last four years imploring the ticket sales staff to work on filling the stadium as they continued to struggle on and off the field.

“It’s honestly possible that they just forgot to not sell tickets,” stated one team insider. “Look, there’s only so many times you can be told to sell everything you got, before you just do that even if they end up having a COVID outbreak.”

Our reporters spoke to some fans about the game and they remained defiant.

“I didn’t really care about COVID, to be honest. I just wanted to take off my shirt, drink some $12 Bud Light, yell some profanities, and watch some chaos,” said Orlando fan Albert Gaines. “It’ll be fine, I’ll just quarantine until I see my grandma over Thanksgiving.”

The Nutmeg News will really, hopefully not have more on this.

“Make Game Exciting,” Message Meant For Orlando/NYCFC Teams Accidentally Goes To Referees

Orlando, FL - Major League Soccer (MLS) Commissioner Don Garber expressed shock and dismay after he checked his text messages and realized the communication he wrote specifically for the Orlando City FC and NYCFC teams to, “make the game exciting or else,” was sent instead to the referees of the game.

“I really need to clean up my contacts,” stated Garber to The Nutmeg News. “They’re saved under similar things, I guess. Gameday teams versus Gameday referees. It was a big shock that I could make such a mistake.”

Sources indicate that this isn’t the first time Garber made such a mistake as he accidentally sent a text message to the referees of the 2015 MLS Cup to, “ignore the line, and keep going,” instead of sending it to the reporter who was writing a overly detailed piece on the growth of the league.

The Nutmeg News will have more as Garber checks to make sure his “increase our TV ratings” text went to Columbus/NYRB.

Red Bull Fans Slam Coaches Regular Season Record

NEW YORK - Anxious New York Red Bull fans slammed Gerhard Struber’s regular season record as they looked forward to the upcoming playoff game against Columbus.

“We never got a single valid result in the regular season that makes me trust his expertise,” stated Red Bull fan Derek Carlton. “What did he do? I ask you that. What did he do?”

While some fans were concerned with his performance over the course of the season, others were specific about the impact of Stuber on their cross-town rivals.

“We need a coach that’s able to beat our rivals, like NYCFC, and he hasn’t shown that he can do that,” stated Paul Hernandez. “His record doesn’t show anything!”

With Struber experiencing the playoffs for the first time, other fans were concerned about his tactical acumen.

“How is he going to line up? The postseason is totally different from the regular season. I knew what to expect from Armas, but Struber? It’s like there’s no blueprint from the last game to this one. I don’t know what to expect,” stated long time fan Isaac Stewart. “He has a history of coaching energy drink teams but can he coach the team to a win against Columbus in the playoffs?”

The Nutmeg News will more on this as Red Bull fan Zack Hays starts a Struber Out group on Facebook.

10 Ways The USMNT Will Win The Next World Cup

Our reporters and researchers went straight to the most passionate United States Men’s National Team (USMNT) fans on Twitter to find out the top 10 ways that the USMNT will win the next world cup. and we ranked them in the order of most probable to least probable!

#1

#2

#3

#4

#5

#6

#7

#8

#9

#10

Supporter Can't Wait To Sit In The Supporters Section And Not Participate Again

WASHINGTON - D.C. United supporter Ralph Corving stated that he can’t wait to sit in the supporters section and not participate again as he said that he has experienced dreams of returning to the stadium after the pandemic ends and doing fuck all.

Corving seen here practicing his “sitting and slightly disinterested technique”

“I’m so excited to cross my arms and not sing with everyone else,” stated Corving to The Nutmeg News. “I might even start complaining about flags on the first game. Oh god, I can’t wait to complain about their dumb, stupid, flags that they spent months getting ready.”

Friends say that after his first year supporting the team that Corving has participated less and less as he lets his own embarrassment, sense of entitlement and outright hostility towards his fellow fans determine his complete apathy towards everything they do.

“It’s been a while since someone asked me if I can hear the visiting fans sing, I just want to watch the game but pay the littlest amount of attention possible. I've been working on a scowl for 6 months that says, 'don't even try to get me to sing your dumb song.' I can't wait to bust that out when people around me try to get something going."

The Nutmeg News will have more as Corving practices his list of reasons why he’s sitting in the standing section.

Local Newspaper Sports Writer Almost Considers Writing Article About Soccer Team

Minneapolis, MN - Local sports writer Andy Brusard was apparently so bored on Wednesday that he considered writing an article about the upcoming Minnesota United playoff game before deciding to file a short story about the 1991 season of Kent Hrbek.

“Hrbek played 132 games that season,” stated Brusard to no one in particular. “I’m not about to spend most of my day trying to learn about a sport that I regularly shit upon for the last 20 years before it became locally popular without me realizing it.”

Fans of Minnesota United say that it’s not that surprising as Brusard’s paper has religiously ignored soccer in the local area for more popular sports like Basketball, Baseball, Football, and the Minnesota High School Mock Trial State Tournament.

“Yeah, I just stopped looking,” stated Minnesota United fan Jeremy Williams. “It’s probably cyclical but if I know they aren’t going to give a shit about our team, then why would I go to that paper in the first place.”

For his part, Brusard was adament that no one cares about soccer as he stated, “We are talking Chili Davis and Kirby Puckett, here. Not any of those odd sounding names in soccer. Everyone knows that no one cares, anyway.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Brusard writes a condescending preview of the game after being ordered to do so by his editor and immediately cleanses himself by watching old videos of Kevin Tapani.

Nerf Informs Christian Pulisic They Have Nothing To Do With The 2nd Amendment

LONDON - Nerf, the world leader in foam-based weaponry, reportedly reached out to Chelsea player Christian Pulisic to let him know that they have nothing to do with the United States 2nd Amendment after the player posed with Nerf weaponry tagging the photo, “Stand up for your rights.”

THE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS. BARE ARMS. BAIR ARMS.

“We asked the Chelsea team if they wanted to take a picture with some of our new Ultra One Motorized Blaster with High Capacity Drum,” stated Nerf representative Dale Henry. “Christian Pulisic replied to the email in 3 seconds with long winded email about restrictive gun rights in the UK and his desire to take care of any possible feral hog problem that might pop up in the Chelsea neighborhood. It was very unsettling, I don’t think he knew who we are.”

For his part Pulisic stated that he wasn’t confused with the opportunity to show off his American born love of high capacity drum magazines and armament.

“It’s the 2nd Amendment! Wooo! I’ve contacted a friend in the states who is ready to ship me a bump stock and larger 50 capacity drum fully loaded with hollow tipped Nerf darts for home defense. You can’t be too careful. Without the 2nd amendment we wouldn’t have the 3rd amendment and I’m not about to start quartering the King’s men in my house.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Pulisic leaves his Nerf gun loaded in the hallway, just in case.

Soccer Shitposters Who Live In Inuvik, Aklavik, Tuktoyaktuk, Rae-Edzo, Paulatuk, And Lutselk'e Finally Able To Give Opinions After Signing Up For Starlink Beta

NORTHERN TERRITORIES, CA - Soccer shitposters long stranded from fully reliable and usable internet in rural areas of Canada were finally able to log onto the internet and give strongly worded opinions about anything and everything after signing up for the Starlink Beta.

“FINALLY, I can start uploading my unabridged and unedited youtube rants on the Canadian Men’s Team World Cup qualifying,” stated Jason C. of Aklavik. “This 100Mb download speed and 30ms latency is really allowing me to interact with people across Canada and the rest of the world. Finally, I can tell Cristiano Ronaldo and his fans that they suck without dropping my frame rate or sacrificing video quality.”

Soccer fans in Tuktoyaktuk expressed their excitement as they can update their FIFA consoles while indicating that the Mackenzie Valley fibre optic line failed in its initial promises.

“I just gave up,” stated on Tuk resident Stephen Highwater. “I’ve always dreamed of being screamed at by a 12 year old kid in Ohio with FIFA online, but I thought it would never happen. Now, finally, with the Starlink service, I was called a racial slur, and had my opponent rage quit when I was up 6-2 with 2 minutes left in the game. It was the highlight of my day.”

For their part, a category 2 shitposter in Paulatuk who requested to be anonymous, stated that finally they could start a campaign of harassing CMNT stars that were on Twitter.

“The internet finally arrives in a way I can use it,” stated this anonymous user. “I can’t wait to yell at Alphonso Davies for being an overrated hack and start a podcast..”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as people with Starlink can finally stream and complain about the new Star Wars movies on Disney+.

Social Media Managers Desperately Checking Which Account They Are On Before Directing Hate Tweet At POTUS

INTERNET - Social media managers across the soccer landscape and beyond reportedly had a nervous check to ensure that they are on the right personal account or burner account before sending a hastily worded tweet at the President Of The United States.

“I HOPE THEY DRAG YOU FROM THE OFFICE SCREAMING,” stated Julian Williams as he made certain four different times that he was posting from his @pandalove account and not his @LansdownUnitedFC account.

“Start packing your bags, dickhead,” wrote Alyssa Montana as she made certain that she wasn’t logged into her @DellerPaints account.

Sources indicate that Jason Richardson of @JuneTownshipKids had a momentary panic attack as he sent a tweet from the main account stating, “GET FUCKED YOU FUCKING FUCK,” before deleting it and hoping nobody noticed.

However, most of the managers that we spoke with indicate that’s why they use different apps to run different content as they avoided with paranoid intensity the possibility of sending anything from the Brand accounts that they manage.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as some accounts just say YOLO.

Nation Enters 4,209th Minute Of Stoppage Time

United States Of America - The Presidents Cup entered the 4,209th minute of stoppage time as fans of Democrats Football Club (DFC) began early celebrations by relentless sniping at each other, complaining about the purity of local candidates, worrying about ballot initiatives, and dancing to YMCA in the stands.

Sources indicate that head judge Baldomero Toledo is still continuing the game due to a number of down players, close calls, and excessive time wasting that characterized the second half.

“We cannot call the game before the game is complete,” stated national journalists. “However, we have all written our bylines and are just waiting for the end to hit publish.”

With less reputable organizations calling the game over, many of the fans of SS Republican United began simultaneously chanting, “blow the whistle,” while also chanting, "don’t blow the whistle,” as well as simultaneously decrying that the referee was, “blind, deaf and clearly disobeying the police so it makes sense if they take a shot at him.”

Despite the crowd behavior, independent observers across the globe hoped that the match would continue on as it reportedly offers unending drama and, “scenes, mate.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the supporters group of DFC begin changing, “blow the fucking whistle.”

“HATE ME, YOU COWARDS,” Screams Philadelphia Union Fan Towards Grateful Nation

Philadelphia, PA - Philadelphia Union fan Don Anderson screamed, “HATE ME, YOU COWARDS,” towards a grateful nation that is showering the location with love after a caustic election.

“I told a Red Bull fan to go sit on a chair full of nails and they said ‘thank you for saving the country’. I hate this. I don’t want to be the anti-hero,” stated Anderson to our reporter.

Anderson indicated that he is part of a long standing culture of gritty Philadelphia sports fans that perceives the world as being against them as they sing the lifted Millwall song, “Nobody likes us and we don’t care,” in the Sons Of Ben section.

“I'll throw a snowball with a rock in it at the next Santa I see," stated Anderson who was immediately thanked for his attempt to stop a too early creep of Christmas advertising before Thanksgiving. “I even booed a group of children crossing the street and they said, ‘thanks for keeping up the spirit of Halloween.’ I can’t do anything right. Everyone loves us and I STILL don’t care.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Anderson checks himself into Anger Mismanagement class.