Gamestop Investors Target Chivas USA As Next "Short Squeeze" Investment Chance

INTERNET - Gamestop warriors, shitlords and Reddit financial pirates indicated their belief that Chivas USA may be the next target of their short squeeze as they attempt to intentionally overvalue the short sold investment.

"Chivas USA is at a 10 year low," stated Reddit financial analyst SephirothTaintScraper. "We believe that there are a number of financial investors who have taken a short position in their investment with the franchise and that we can put the squeeze to them (and return a profit) if we start investing now"

The analysts with the institute of Franchise Financial Management (FFM) indicate that they believe investors will continue to sell short on Chivas USA stating, “This club is valued appropriately as we continue to see out the legacy of Chivas USA. Our position is that short selling this franchise will continue.”

Investors online, however, indicate that they are still planning on taking a strong position as Reddit user AtheistByGod stated, “BUY THE DIP NOW BOIS I JUST USED MY GRANDMAS DISABILITY CHECK GOING ALL IN, WERE GOING TO THE MOON”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the new financial investors of Chivas USA release 2021 kits with HODL as the title sponsor.

Fire Fan Loses 98% Of Personality After Departures Of Nelson Rodriguez, Andrew Hauptman And Hated Team Crest

CHICAGO - Soccer fans across the city indicate that Chicago Fire fan Jason Bosworth lost 98% of his personality after the departures of Nelson Rodriguez, Andrew Hauptman and the much maligned crest.

Well, NOW what I will have to complain about?

“He’s really just adrift right now,” stated Fire fan Ramon Sanders. “He’s spent the last 12 years fighting against the front office, the general manager, his fellow fans and even the crest. At this point he isn’t certain that he has a personality left. The other day he tried to post something to Twitter and it was just emojis. He has nothing left.”

With a positive progression of news from Chicago leading to the fulfillment of everything he wished for over the past 12 years, Bosworth indicated his nearly catatonic state of existential dread.

“I guess I might as well just wait until I inevitably hate Manseuto for something. Or maybe Heitz? I don’t know… I’m just kinda dead inside, right now,” stated Bosworth to our reporter. “Do I even LIKE soccer? or… Did I love hating the people in charge of soccer? I’ve been in the hatred business so long…..that I… I just don’t know anymore.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Bosworth plans to take his negative energy to his local Premier League group.

MLS Asks Steve To Ask Diana To Ask Guillermo To Ask Henry To See If The Players Union Will Agree To A New CBA

Major League Soccer, on Thursday, sent an email to Steve to ask Diana to ask Guillermo to ask Henry to see if the Players Union will accept a new CBA.

“Our technique of asking the fans to ask each other to ask the players is bulletproof,” stated MLS legal adviser Henry Dent. “We aren’t asking the Players Union directly, we would rather continue our negotiations in the public sphere where we can try to get the people on our side.”

Treating the situation like divorcing parents using their children as proxies, the two adult entities relied on the public sphere to influence the negotiating power of the groups as they attempted to petition random people who once went to a game or signed up for a promotion with their email.

“This is a foolproof plan,” stated Dent. “We only have to convince the people that the Union is the reason why they potentially will not have soccer more than the Union has to try to convince people the league is the reason why they potentially will not have soccer even though its just going to come down to the both of us sitting down and hashing out our differences like the adults we pretend to be.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Players Union asks the Players to ask the fans to ask the referees to tell MLS that they will NOT meet them at the playground as requested.

With Racism Defeated, Soccer Activists Turn Back To Promotion/Relegation

With the specter of racism finally defeated, online soccer activists turned back to trying to institute promotion/relegation within the multiple divisions of American soccer.

“Now that Biden is President,” stated soccer Twitter promotion/relegation activist Steve Stephens. “Black people and people of color can unite with us to defeat the true enemy of the United States, a closed system that doesn’t allow soccer teams to advance based upon merit.”

Advocates of Promotion/Relegation reportedly decorated their porches and stoops with the American flag to signify a new beginning as they refocused their online efforts to disrupting what they consider to be an egregious system.

“This issue has been dividing us, even though one side is clearly the most right since the beginning of time. It’s on all of us to fix this and begin healing,” stated Soccer twitter expert @PRORELUSAFORUSAUSA. “People talk about racism all the time, but no one mentions the BONDAGE of incorporated soccer teams to a closed system. If we want true liberation for people of color and for the people of America, we need promotion and relegation. We need people to speak up and not stay silent about important issues anymore. It’s time for all those so-called anarchists and anti-facists to step up and denounce the TRUE facists in their midst….. LEAGUE OWNER/OPERATORS.”

According to a straw poll of millionaires exhibited by computer simulations on Football Manager, instituting promotion and relegation would net everyone many moneys if done immediately by Presidential decree.

However, those against the system state, “Um, what? That’s not how it works at all,” as they complained against all the freedom that activists are fighting towards.

“Life will only matter when the bondage of a USL team stuck in the USL will finally be released,” stated Paul Wetherby, online. “We must go up, not down, and build not destroy and make this a system that will allow Tulsa to lose another team not to lack of a first division chance, but rather to the endless speculation and horrifying overspending that a first division will entail.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as everyone realizes that Biden is keeping the commissioners in check because the number 14 equals 5 if you add them together and that indicates how many years before there’s a revolution.

MLS To Broadcast Games On Turner Classic Movies

NEW YORK - In the wake of the NFL broadcasting a game on kids channel Nickelodeon, Major League Soccer (MLS) announced that they would be broadcasting select games during the 2021 season on Turner Classic Movies (TCM).

The Sports Business Journal of Iowa indicated that MLS picked up Werther’s Original as a series sponsor for the games aimed at expanding their demographic.

TCM host Ben Mankiewicz will introduce the upcoming game of the week while specifying the salient points, actors, and plotlines.

“All the games will start 10 minutes after the proposed start time to allow all the credits to run in advance,” stated MLS Director of infotainment Paul Davey. “As well, the game will feature light commentary by Sir Patrick Stewart and Sir Ian McKellen explaining that, in fact, soccer is not a entry point for communism into the fabric of American life. They will also talk about stagecraft, acting, gardening, and the difficulty of performing King Lear for a discerning English crowd.”

According to the official release, the league will also take a queue from TCM’s theme nights where they will attempt some technological breakthroughs that will thrill the new demographic they are targeting.

“We will have a noir night,” stated Davey. “We will broadcast in black and white while moves on the field will be viewed through a lens of treachery and intrigue. The announcers for noir night will be wearing fedoras and trench coats and will be trained to replicate the fast talking banter of early Billy Wilder who, incidentally, brought Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau together, don’tcha know. We also want to acknowledge that movies in this era were racially charged and we believe that having high bill games in black and white will prove we don’t see color.”

The Nutmeg News will now go to the replay sponsored by Werther’s Low Sugar…… because we know you missed it before.

Montreal Sources Indicate New Logo Will Soften Impact Of 6-0 Loss

MONTREAL - Sources with the front office of Club de Foot Montreal indicate that the new logo will soften the impact of any upcoming 6-0 loss.

“Our analytics indicate that the new logo will make a 6-0 loss feel like 2-0 loss, or possibly even a 1-0 loss,” stated one source. “For our fans this will make 2021 feel like a very, very successful season.”

With fans asking why the team didn’t just try to win games repeatedly and then win trophies, instead of spending money on a refresh of an existing name with history, the team stated, “We spent 3 USL midfielders salary on logo design that looks like a butterfly being eaten by a sparrow. There’s no way that spending money on a USL/MLS fringe competent backup to our fullbacks or centerbacks would generate more impact. They will certainly see that the money we spent on a logo, which could have been used towards a defensive midfielder, will actually be worth it in these moments. Old logo, no logo, we’re probably losing to the Whitecaps anyway, but now we will be losing WITH STYLE.”

With the team attempting to seize control of the narrative of the team not being the same team that finished 17th, 15th, 18th and 18th in the league overall, fans expressed their excitement.

“This logo is going to be like if the team actually spent money on a team that actually wins instead of spending money on a logo, except they did and now we have a logo,” stated Montreal de Club de Foot fan Jacques Ilward who finished his statement with the word, “tabarnak,” muttered under his breath as he wandered away.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Club De Foot Montreal claim supremacy of 9th place in their conference.

Necromancers Announce NWSL Still Very Much Alive As Draft Rolls Forward

The International Necromancers Union (INU) announced that the National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) was actually still very much alive as the college draft rolled forward.

“It’s not dead, It’s just part of our Goth to Boss program.”

“We were called in to resurrect the league, but it is apparently, NOT dead,” stated Count Denwin of Bogue Chitto, Louisiana.

Despite many fans claiming that the league is, “totally dead this time, ok,” the INU said that nothing could be further from the truth.

“We know dead,” stated Denwin. “And this isn’t dead. I don’t know what it is, but it isn’t dead. We would be happy if it was dead. That’s kinda our thing. This is just a draft. However, I would like to remind everyone in the INU this is why we collect our fees in advance and have our contracts. THANK YOU COLLECTIVE BARGAINING.”

With Catarina Macario’s departure to Lyon announced, many fans took this as an opportunity to, again, claim that the league was dead. However, the INU stated that despite all this the league is still very much alive.

“This isn’t a WPS situation,” stated Denwin. “We can still see a pulse. We tried a lot of things, but you can’t …. RAISE… the living. You can only live with them and all their flaws. It appears that, for now, fans will just have to accept that the league is still alive. The Utah Royals… on the other hand….. Well… We have some spells for that.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as a zombie Royals army arises from the depths of the Wasatch.

Nashville SC Announce DeviantArt As New Kit Sponsor Following Tempo The Fox Reveal

Nashville, TN - Fresh off a sassy boudoir furry photopic in the bathroom of the Music City Center, Tempo the Fox revealed that the Major League Soccer (MLS) side would have DeviantArt.com as the new kit sponsor for the 2021 season.

100% Beefcake

“We are embracing the alternative communities that run rampant in Nashville and part of this is our commitment to furry life, furry dating, positive fursonas, furrventions, and compassionate, respectful, boundary pushing yiffing,” stated Nashville director of marketing Yovald “Terror Fox” McDonald.

“We are beyond excited for the new group of unique people attracted by our mascot. He’s the right amount of family fun along with the right amount of an uncomfortable tinge you get when watching the Disney Robin Hood cartoon movie.”

Nashville SC will follow this move with anime fan art of players, as well as what is definitely a NSFW match poster of Tempo with an overexaggerated and discarded cod-piece themed for every match for the coming season.

“I don’t really know what to say,” said captain Dax McCarty.

For his part, McDonald was adamant that their upcoming campaign would strike the right cord with Nashville fans.

“Who wouldn’t want romantic pictures of Sora from Kingdom Hearts in a loving embrace with Tempo. I think we are reflecting the open mind at this club that will really grow the game”

The Nutmeg News will have more as they work on their Tempo the Coyote dating sim game to be release on Steam

With The First Insurrection Attempt Of 2021 Out Of The Way, Republicans Urge Country To Unite With MLS SuperDraft

With the first insurrection attempt of 2021 out of the way, Republicans across the United States indicated their desire to have the country unite around the 22nd edition of the Major League Soccer SuperDraft.

“Thank god, It’s SuperDraft time,” stated a beleaguered Kevin Brady. “I’ve been thinking a lot about the prospects of Ousseni Bouda and I think we are going to see some really interesting trades for allocation money and future draft picks. All patriotic Americans should take this time to really focus solely on the SuperDraft until January 21. When we said Blue Lives Matter we meant soccer players from Duke.”

Desperate for anything to distract the entirety of the world from the horrifying rot at the center of Republican politics, politicians and pundits lashing about for anything to distract themselves from facing the next attempted armed insurrection found the 2021 SuperDraft as a possible great unifying event.

“It’s SUPERDRAFT TIME,” stated an enthusiastic U.S. Representative Alex Mooney. “Everyone should have a SuperDraft Pool! You can fill one out on Fox Sports! Let’s all watch the true American tradition of subjugating unpaid talent to a variety of distribution methods they don’t have control over. TWO WEEKS OF SUPERDRAFT COVERAGE!”

“We need now more than ever for the country to unite together,” stated U.S. Representative Ken Buck. “Regardless of their role in ruining the country with their socialist and BLM communist agenda, we should all gather to wonder who some of these players are that are getting drafted. Yeah we supported Trump, but now can’t we all support Barron Trump?”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Kevin McCarthy describes Justin McMaster as being very well spoken.

National Nightmare Finally Over As Chicago Fire Announce Logo Change

CHICAGO - People of all walks of life rejoiced, today, as the long national nightmare is finally over with the announcement of the Chicago Fire changing their current logo.

“I’ve been depressed about what this meant for our country for the past year,” stated Fire fan Tommy Jones. “What does it mean for this country, for the people who live here when we have a logo this bad. It was just a true national tragedy.”

The Chicago Fire indicated that they would be looking for help from the national fanbase of the team in order to create a crest that would reflect the identity of their location, fans and team.

“Thank god,” stated a celebrating Phil Bondarenko. “We’ve been living under a dark cloud that would not dissipate this last year and three months. This is who we are, as Americans, and finally…. through our struggle and our efforts… the long national shame of our great country has been lifted. THANK GOD ALMIGHTY!”

The Nutmeg News was able to speak to a socially distanced block party of one that were out celebrating the decision in the street and the individual stated, “I’m going to take Saturday off in celebration! Granted, I already get Saturday off, but is time for a celebration!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Fire front office immediately regrets involving the fans in this decision.

Andrew Carleton Released From D.C. Lineup After Failing To Score A Felony

WASHINGTON - Former soccer player Andrew Carleton was reportedly released from a Make America Great Again (MAGA) D.C. police lineup in an end-of-season roster dump as the former Atlanta United player returned from Washington D.C. without scoring a felony.

“It was really just everything,” stated one source. “ Andrew couldn’t remember the name of five cereals for his Proud Boys induction ceremony, for starters. The real problem is that Carleton was highly inconsistent as he missed a point blank opportunity to score a felony by charging the floor of the Senate.”

Sources indicate that a energetic Carleton posted a photo of him heading to the insurrectionist rally in Washington D.C. to his Instagram page.

The recently released Atlanta United player was reportedly excited to show all of his past, present and future teammates that he was capable of being productive with upholding white supremacy and staging a coup for Donald Trump.

“He’s really excited to let every black teammate know that he walks side by side with people who openly denigrate Black Lives Matter and their community,” stated one source.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a dejected Carleton calls around looking for other opportunities to overthrow a democratically elected government.

MLS Executives Confused As Geoff Cameron Requests Transfer To Washington D.C. In Order To, "Aid The Revolution"

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) executives were reportedly confused as MAGA supporting soccer player Geoff Cameron requested a transfer to Washington D.C. in order to, “aid the Revolution.”

“But…. The Revolution are in New England,” stated one befuddled executive who spoke with The Nutmeg News on the condition of privacy. “If he wants to aid the Revolution wouldn’t he go to Foxborough instead?”

Sources indicate that Cameron was adamant that it was time for his services to be used aiding the Revolution and the New England Revolution supporters group The Rebellion as sources indicate that he stated, “It is long since time for the Revolution and the Rebellion to happen in the United States.”

League executives reportedly pushed back asking why he would go to D.C. United if he wanted to aid the Revolution as Cameron reportedly sent back an email saying, “LIBRAL HOAX. FUCK YOUR FEELINGS. MAGA. STOP THE STEAL.”

“He clearly REALLY wants to play for the Revolution,” stated one league insider. “We just need him to understand it’s not in D.C.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Cameron indicates that he is willing to fund the Revolution from abroad.

Medal Of Freedom Awarded To Fan Who Tweeted "All Lives Matter" At MLS Account

WASHINGTON - The office of the President Of The United States indicated that sports fan Dave “@MagaRedTide123345432231” Edwards was awarded the Medal of Freedom in a private ceremony this past Monday for tweeting “All Lives Matter” at the official Major League Soccer account.

In announcing the award, the White House said that Edwards helped, “reject the Black Lives Matter plot infesting soccer in the United States.”

“I definitely feel that Dave of Orlando, Florida displayed considerable bravery in telling the official MLS account that All Lives Matter,” stated White House spokesperson Kayleigh McEnany. “To stand by such an opinion, one that I would say reflects true American values, requires the utmost praise and distinction.”

The award to @MagaRedTide123345432231 was criticized by writers with Major League Soccer who indicated that giving the once prestigious award for an action rooted in bigotry was going to only encourage further awful tweets at the official account.

However, for their part, the White House stood firm as The Nutmeg News received an email on the subject that requested our efforts in, “finding 12,000 votes to stop cancel culture antifa destruction to making America great again by contributing to the continuous reelection and campaign fund for the once and future king of America.”

The Nutmeg News wlll have more as the White House awards the Medal of Freedom to “Your boy Chad” who was the first person to Ice a fellow AO bro at a USMNT tailgate.

Vaccine Rollout Speed Gives MLS Fan Hope She Will Be Back In The Stands In 2024

Boston, MA - New England Revolution fan Phillipa Still stated that the current speed of the COVID-19 vaccine rollout really was giving her hope that she will be back in the stands in 2024.

“I’m definitely at the back of the queue as far as priority goes,” stated Still to The Nutmeg News. “But the way they are quickly moving through patients lets me know that they are really attempting to enable me to see live sports in 3 or 4 years.”

Sources indicate that Still has no real idea who is getting vaccinated around her, how she will obtain the vaccine, and even if it is available.

“I keep hearing things like halving the vaccine load, or that people are refusing it or destroying it,” stated Still to The Nutmeg News. “So it stands to reason that we are an eternity away from any kind of mass spectator events.”

For their part, Major League Soccer sources indicated that they didn’t need a vaccine to let people congregate in their stadiums as they stated, “once everyone gets tired of this… and we are already there… they are just going to give up and won’t care about the consequences, and then we can finally get 4 or 5 thousand people into the stands willingly.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Still sits at home and fondly talks about the before times when she would go to a restaurant and a movie.