"Finally, My Moment Has Come," States Man With 264 Scarves Under His Bed

Portland, OR - Timbers fan Hank Bowman stated, “finally, my moment has come,” after hearing President Trump state that a scarf would work as good as a mask to prevent against the COVID-19 pandemic.

ENSCONCED IN SCARVES

"I knew there would be a time, but that time is here,” stated Bowman to our reporter on Skype. “I’m bringing up the eBay shop and now I will finally get my revenge on everyone made fun of me for collecting these things over the past 5 years.”

Bowman reportedly started collecting scarves back in 2015 when he started following the Timbers on their way to MLS Cup. He then extended his collection via eBay as he desperately attempted to collect vintage scarves from 2011.

“They all laughed at my totes and number system,” stated Bowman. “But who is laughing NOW! I alone hold the key to purification. I alone hold the key to a healthy life. And I alone have a limited fringe edition Timbers Army scarf that will protect everyone from the disease sweeping the nation.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Bowman accidentally bids on one of his own scarves that he is selling online.

Inter Miami Fans Excited For 34th Rebroadcast Of Only Two Games In Team History

Miami, FL - Quarantined fans of new Major League Soccer (MLS) side Inter Miami CF were reportedly excited for the 34th rebroadcast of the only two games in team history as social media teams across the league struggle to create content.

“Oh boy! Here we go again,” stated Inter Miami fan Damien Henderson. “And we kick off in Los Angeles again for the 34th time! It’s like I’ve never seen this game on repeat every single day because it’s the only thing they have.”

“I’m making time in my schedule for this, again,” stated Heather Stephenson. “And tomorrow, I’ll make time in my schedule for literally the same game again. And then the next day. And then the next day.”

Inter Miami decided to add historical context by interviewing players who were there 29 days ago as they continued to forge ahead.

“It’s important to keep our fanbase engaged,” stated one team insider. “We are going to run the game in reverse next week and then the next four games we are going to try to synchro cast this with audio from the best of Tito Puente, Tim McGraw, Ke$ha and Dean Martin to see which music our fans prefer.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Inter Miami fans walk around quoting the exact commentary lines from the LAFC game because it’s the only thing they have left.

Nation Wakes Up To 14th Monday In A Row

Scientists were baffled as residents of the United States of America woke up to the 14th Monday in a row, this morning.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” stated researchers at the Institute of Pandering. “People seem to be continually waking up with hangovers, anxiety, a level of dread, boredom and angst every single day.”

Scientists claim that they are yet to figure out this issue but that it appears to be a global phenomenon.

“We’ve reached out to our friends in Europe and Africa to confirm and they all report that it appears that the entirety of the world may be stuck in a perpetual Monday.”

Some researchers, however, argue against the Monday diagnoses as they claim that it really is more like a month of Sundays.

“The Schism of the Sunday will continue,” stated Dr Wiley Baker. “We are here to inform anyone trying to dictate that this is a Monday that it is, in fact, a Sunday.”

Not content with the Schism of the Sunday, other doctors are reportedly part of the Synod of the Holy Un-Week as they vociferously denounced the idea of adding any kind of day context to the week.

“We with the Synod of the Holy Un-Week roundly declare that all days are non-days and there is no week,” stated spokesman and professor Lyndon Babbit. “Every day is non day and every week is an un-week. There is no time, no day and no more shall exist within this realm. Drink your Manhattan’s at 7:00 am. We are in the un-time.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the researchers start a holy war over the technical descriptions.

Carlos Vela Admits He Much Prefers GQ Interview With LeBron James

LOS ANGELES - After a wide ranging interview with GQ Mexico made soccer superstar Carlos Vela the cover story, the Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) player admitted that he much prefers reading GQ interviews with NBA stars like LeBron James, Ben Simmons and Russell Westbrook.

“I do not like reading interviews with myself or soccer stars that much,” stated Vela to The Nutmeg News. “I much prefer reading interviews from major NBA stars. That’s where I find my enjoyment.”

Vela admitted that he barely reads anything about himself or any other soccer star.

“It’s my job, so I like to separate my job from my enjoyment. I really like watching basketball and I like reading about basketball. Did you SEE that Russel Westbrook interview in GQ Middle East? It was great.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Vela starts another season of NBA 2k11 with his own playable character.

NPSL Cancels Season To Raise Brand Awareness

The National Premier Soccer League (NPSL) announced that it would be cancelling the 2020 season in order to raise brand awareness around the nation.

“We felt that there was no better time to announce our cancellation as the news of this move would generate a substantial amount of traffic in people figuring out what exactly IS the NPSL,” stated Joe Somebody, director of the NPSL.

“There’s no better time to announce the postponement of our season than right now with a captive audience unable to stop staring at their screens in hope of some kind of glimmer of sanity,” stated Somebody. “Perhaps through this cancellation they will learn about a team they didn’t know about that plays semi-professional soccer 10 minutes from their doorstep that won’t be there in 2021 when the league resumes or folds.”

With interest in anything that isn’t infecting and killing people at an all time high, soccer fans took to the internet to say, “wow, the NPSL!? Ok, I remember that and I think that’s a bummer.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as tens of fans are disappointed with the cancellation.

Supporter Maintains Alcohol Drinking At Gameday Level During Quarantine

NEW YORK - New York City FC fan Raul Narvaez admitted, on Wednesday, that he was maintaining his alcohol drinking at current gameday levels as he poured his fourth beer of the day at 6:00 pm.

“These shot burst repeats are gonna really get me into shape. It’s like HIIT for my liver.”

“You never know when the season is going to be back on and I don’t want to lose my current tolerance,” stated Narvaez to The Nutmeg News.

According to Narvaez, he went through an extensive training regime of drinking to get ready for the season and doesn’t want to let it slip away.

“I was doing 4x8oz repeats followed by 4x16oz repeats and closing out with 2x2oz closers,” stated Narvaez. “You can’t just let all that hard work go away because we are waiting for the season to come back.”

Friends state that they think that Raul is just coping with the anxiety of the stay at home situation by expanding his drinking more, but Mr. Narvaez says that’s not entirely true.

“It just feels like I don’t have anything better to do so I should really just ensure that I’m working on what I need for the upcoming season. At this point there’s no difference between Thursday, Saturday and Gameday in 4 months. Time is a construct so drink some Jack Daniels.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Narvaez gets drunk and puts a game replay on in his living room with the lights turned off so he can accurately yell at the screen.

Fan Concerned That Forward Isn't Showing Enough Quarantine Workout Videos On Instagram

Kansas City, KS - Sporting Kansas City fan Philip Canavaro stated that he was concerned that SKC forward Gianluca Busio isn’t showing enough COVID-19 quarantine workout videos on his Instagram page.

Stating, “the boys need to be prepared when the season starts again,” Canavaro silently judged the athletic prowess of the entire team with his carefully curated Instagram feed.

“Oh sure he is doing the pushup challenge, but I need to see some SPECIFIC drills,” stated Canavaro to the electrical box that he named Anderson during a fit of drunken boredom at 2:00 pm yesterday.

According to Canavaro, the success of the team will be entirely dependent upon these home bound times as he proceeded to scroll through Alan Pulido’s feed to see if there were any rondo sessions in Pulido’s living room.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Canavaro comes up with a strength and mobility training schedule for all SKC players and attempts to comment all of these new workouts to their Instagram pages.

Billionaire Minnesota United Owner Bill McGuire Throws Moldy Fruit From Gold Plated Helicopter At Employees He Fired During Global Pandemic

Minneapolis, MN - From a gold plated helicopter hovering over Minneapolis, billionaire Minnesota United owner Bill McGuire reportedly threw moldy fruit, rotten eggs and garbage at the part-time Minnesota United employees that he fired during the COVID-19 global pandemic.

“Oh god it gives me such a RUSH,” stated McGuire as he lobbed a tomato at the figure of Harriet Stewart who was standing out in her garden. “Firing these dumb bastards is more fun than making money on the stock market. It’s like the rush you get when you ALLEGEDLY create a scheme to backdate stock options so they look as though they were made on days when the stock value is lower. It just makes me into a little rum-tum-tugger.”

According to insider sources, McGuire demanded a list of all the employees that were most vulnerable to this economic collapse and social pandemic before rubbing the paper all over his body and stating, “oh yeah.”

He then wrote a terse email to the employees in question, launched his helicopter and proceeded to each of their houses to personally insult them and pelt them with fruit.

“OH YES,” stated a manic McGuire with a light in his eyes reminiscent of the time he defrauded UnitedHealth stockholders. “Oh GOD YES! FIRE THEM ALL… FIRE… THEM…. ALLL.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as McGuire takes to knocking on the doors of the employees and coughing in their face.

Area Man States He Is Willing To Sacrifice Your Grandma To COVID-19 As Long As Halliburton's Stock Goes Up 40 Points

Austin, TX - Area moron and elected dickhead Dan Patrick stated, during a recent television interview, that he is willing to sacrifice your grandma to COVID-19 as long as Halliburton stock goes up 40 points.

“THE STOCK MARKET IS GOD, PRODUCE THE FOURTH QUARTER PROJECTIONS,” stated Patrick as he ranted and raved about the coming doom times where people simply aren’t producing things for consumption.

“We were born to consume! The factories must be restarted! We must repeal the Fair Labor Standards Act and put our nations 10 year olds back to work in the munitions factories and coal mines! WE MUST CONSUME!”

According to sources close to Patrick, he, allegedly, began losing his mind as he began freebasing Chloroquine mixed in with a light dose of ether to take in the news every evening.

“GOD IS IN THE STARS, WE MUST SACRIFICE OURSELVES TO HIS BACTERIA. NONE SHALL LIVE WHILE THE OTHERS SHALL NOT ALSO NOT DIE. THAT’S IN ACTS. GOD WANTS US TO DO A LOT MORE COCAINE, YOU SEE.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Patrick still figures out a way to save himself from the danger of COVID-19

"Well, I Just Honestly Can't Believe This! When Will People Wake Up?" States American Man For The 4,200,342,667,695,443,234,894,532,342,345th Time

LOS ANGELES - David Thornberry continued to act completely shocked at the actions of the people that surround him as Americans across the country continued to flock in groups to beaches, parks, bars, sidewalks and events despite the constant and unending warnings to stay at home.

“If I craft the perfect tweet that is really going to stop all this stuff once and for all!”

“Well, I just can’t believe this,” stated Thornberry for the 4,200,342,667,695,443,234,894,532,342,345th time in recent history. “When will people wake up?”

Thornberry reportedly keeps stating things like, “Now THIS… THIS will clearly be the thing that makes Americans sit up and take notice,” before retweeting stories about negligence, corruption, imprisonment, inequality and racism that at least 50% of Americans are pretty comfortable with on a day to day basis.

“I know that with what I’m seeing online tweeted by the people I follow that we will see a great swell of solidarity that will really allow us to reclaim our country from this COVID paralysis,” stated Thornberry as he looked out his kitchen window at two full basketball courts of pickup games and park filled with people socializing.

“Eventually Americans will actually learn that we need to stick up for each other and protect the weakest people in our country by ensuring that the Politicans we elect will actually represent us with honor” stated Thornberry as he continued to ignore the last 50 years of American History

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thornberry states, “Well, I just honestly can’t believe this! When Will People Wake Up?” for the 4,200,342,667,695,443,234,894,532,342,346th, time after watching a Presidential address on the COVID-19 Virus.

NASL Extends League Cancellation Due To CDC Guidelines

MIAMI - In accordance with CDC guidelines in response to COVID-19, the defunct North American Soccer League (NASL) stated that it would extend the league cancellation in place since 2017.

“The extension of our permanently cancelled season is made in compliance with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s (CDC) guidance to cancel all mass gatherings for the next eight weeks,” stated Rocco B. Commisso posting from the NASL’s official Twitter account.

According to the NASL, a task force comprised of one person continues to monitor the extremely fluid situation and will update fans as they receive more news and guidance from the CDC. “The NASL will continue to update fans as they receive more news and the US Soccer Federation can suck it.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NASL extends their league cancellation to 2021 and 2022.

Man Concerned That Cat Isn't Chelsea Fan

Philadelphia, PA - Soccer fan in quarantine Ben Williams stated that he is very concerned that his cat Thibaut isn’t a Chelsea fan as the cat showed no interest in watching downloaded Chelsea games from Williams’ laptop.

“meow,” - Thibaut Williams.

“I always felt like we were on the same page,” stated Williams to our reporter through a Skype session. “But the more that I’ve been home the more I’ve realized that Thibaut appears to not be a Chelsea fan.”

Williams reportedly spent the last few days trying to figure out if Thibaut is a fan of some other team as he tried to see if the cat was interested in toys that were Red instead of Blue.

“He can’t be a Manchester United or Arsenal cat. He just can’t,” stated Williams as he looked at Thibaut athletically lifting his leg in order to lick his crotch. “I don’t know what I or the team did to turn him away, but I’m determined to fix that.”

Williams reportedly started working on a Chelsea Cat scarf for Thibaut as he played a Gary Cahill Defensing Skills and Goals video from 2017/2018.

We reached out to Thibaut for comment but the cat refused to talk to our reporter.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thibaut steps on Williams laptop and stops the video replay of the 2012 Champions League Final.

Area Man Amazed That Pile Of Laundry Is Still On Floor

Dallas, TX - Robert Hughes was reportedly amazed that the pile of laundry he’s been ignoring for 6 days is still on his bedroom floor as he stepped over his dirty sweatshirts, Carhartt pants, various soccer t-shirts, sleep pants, all of his underwear, towels, one pillowcase, and socks in order to start his job from the comfort of his living room office space.

“It seems amazing to me that the laundry is still there,” stated Hughes gesturing to the empty room. “I don’t know when it’s going to NOT be there, but I find the whole thing fascinating.”

Hughes reportedly analyzed the dirty clothes pile for a fresh shirt, this morning, before settling on a moderately clean hoodie, a shirt that had to be cleaned of an unspecified cheese stain in the bathroom sink and the same socks, pants and underwear from yesterday.

“This is my work from home attire,” stated Hughes to the refrigerator. “I’m fine. It’s fine. I probably should’ve rented an apartment that doesn’t have coin-op laundry.”

For his part, Hughes said that he is going to launch an investigation into the situation as he expects the homebound laundry crisis to increase.

“It’s only day six of this stay at home stuff,” stated Hughes. “It’s going to be interesting to see if the dirty clothes pile is still there after another week.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hughes considers working from home in his board shorts.

LAFC Supporters Celebrate Toddlers First Steps With Beer Shower

LOS ANGELES - LAFC Supporters Paul and Melinda Hargrove reportedly celebrated their toddler Ada’s first steps with a in-house beer shower as they work out ways to bring traditions from gameday into their home.

“FUCK YEAH!” Yelled Paul Hargrove as he jumped up on the couch swinging an open cup of Coors Light over his head. “1-0 TO THE MIGHTY ADA!”

The lack of an LAFC game to take out their energy made the Hargrove’s attempt to bring the traditions of gameday home as they finished their beer shower by lighting off an in house smoke grenade that set off the smoke alarms.

“WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo,” stated Melinda Hargrove to our reporter through a Skype Session. “WOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.”

According to friends and family, the Hargroves have no idea what they just got themselves into as, according to your Aunt Donna, a walking toddler can be one of the more terrifying moments in having a child. However, this news failed to make an imprint on the celebrating family as they ran to the concessions stand set up in their kitchen to refill their cups and proceeded to celebrate again.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Paul Hargrove is given a two day ban from alcohol after throwing a cup at the front door.

Bombastic Column On Tactics Of Loading Dishwasher Earns Soccer Analyst Criticism From Home

NEW YORK - A bombastic column on the tactics of loading a dishwasher earned soccer analyst David Edmunds some very pointed criticism from home as he published the column to the family refrigerator this morning.

“A high line, pressing offense will simply not work in this environment,” stated husband Ralph Edmunds. “I don’t know what dishwasher you are watching but this is flat out bullshit if you’ve been watching plates and pans ignoring the back post location where you could easily fit in another freaking cookie tray.”

Daughter Cherith Edmunds stated that clearly, “dad hasn’t loaded any dishes recently and this is all just a pie in the sky fantasy,” as she left a comment on the refrigerator that simply said, “this is dumb.”

According to Mr. Edmunds, his philosophy tried to exemplify tiki-taka with having all the dishes contribute to the general washing of the items. However, the family disagreed with this aesthetic philosophy.

“We tried this already,” stated Ralph Edmunds. “And it ended up with you being relieved of duty from loading the dishwasher. We need to focus on real results and real cleaning. This isn’t the place for you to experience tactically with dishwasher loading changes.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a heated argument on tactics breaks out among the devotees of dishwasher tactics.

Corona Virus Threatens Additional Soccer Twitter Accounts From Hostage Situation In Frisco

Frisco, TX - From the National Soccer Hall of Fame at Toyota Stadium in Frisco, Texas, the international terrorist Corona Virus threatened additional Major League Soccer and United Soccer League Twitter accounts.

“I’ve taken your cities hostage,” stated Virus. “I’ve taken your sports, your life, your loves, your Jimmy Kimmel show, your Tom Hanks, your ability to get loaded nachos out with your friends. Now I take your Twitter accounts.”

Reports indicate that Virus took down the official Twitter account for FC Dallas. Demands were released shortly thereafter. If these demands are ignored, Virus will take down additional Twitter accounts in the coming days.

“Oh, you think social distancing is your ally. But you merely adopted the distance; I was born in it, molded by it. I didn’t see friends until I was already a virus, by then it was nothing to me but BORING! The friends betray you, because they belong to me!”

According to some of the demands, all people will continue to gather twice a week in Costco. As well, people who think they are too cool to get a virus will continue milling around in clubs coughing on each other and touching various body parts.

“You will all ignore the commands that attempt to stop me. You will run out to your neighbors and sneeze upon them. You will do these things or I will take another account. Next, I will come for your Rapids, your Sportings, your Red Bulls, your Timbers and your Sounders. I will take them all.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Virus takes additional hostages in a MegaChurch in Richardson, Texas.

Frustrated Capo Wants You Louder On This Corporate COVID-19 Informational Video Conference

Seattle, WA - Emerald City Supporter (ECS) Capo Tim “Lazer” O’Reilly yelled at all the attendants of his companies COVID-19 conference call detailing their work from home responsibilities to, “get fucking LOUD for the boys out there,” as he channeled his frustration from the upcoming MLS games getting postponed into a productive outlet.

“THEY CODE FOR US, WE SING FOR THEM,” shouted O’Reilly as his manager detailed how the full time and contract developers would work from home.

Sources indicate that O’Reilly went on a profane two minute rant about all of the lazy noobs that are sitting on their hands and not participating in this call as he vigorously picked up a company emblazoned coffee cup and waved in front of the camera on his laptop.

“EVERYBODY GET THE FUCK UP AND LETS GET LOUD,” screamed O’Reilly towards the shocked participants. “POGO FOR THE STOCKHOLDERS! CONFERENCE CALLS FOR CONFERENCES NOT CORPORATIONS”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as O’Reilly blames his outburst on his inability to scream at other people on a weekly basis.

Forward Madison Dominate Inaugural E-Super-League 2020 Season As Football Manager Experience Pays Off

INTERNET - Forward Madison are reportedly dominating the inaugural E-Super-League 2020 season as their previous experience in Football Manager pays off.

With the cancellation of soccer in the United States and Canada forcing all leagues in the area to merge into one E-Super-League, the former USL side leads the early going as they top the table against sides like Atlanta United, Detroit City FC, Los Angeles Football Club, and the New York Cosmos.

“The formation of the Super E-League was a godsend to us,” stated director of marketing Ralph Standish. “We were already loaded and ready to go so we could compete against the very best. At this point, we feel that we can win the entire season. Shout out to our Twitch channel mods. KAPPA”

Fans state that they expected nothing but the best from Forward Madison after a relentless offseason of video gaming.

“They LAUGHED at us,” stated Madison fan Cynthia Hightower. “But who is laughing now! We are the kings of the E-League.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS teams try to navigate the E-League rules in order to acquire e-players during the e-transfer window.

Invincible Sporting Kansas City Finishes With Supporters Shield As MLS Season Nears End

NEW YORK - The 2020 Major League Soccer season is, reportedly, coming to an end today as jubilant Sporting Kansas City fans celebrated their Supporters Shield win and finishing the season without any losses.

“It’s been a tough season, but we pulled it out,” stated SKC fan Rob Harrison. “The Alan Pulido pickup ended up being the thing that put us over the top. I never saw the team lose. Just imagine that.”

Analysts state that this turnaround for SKC really enhanced a dire 2020 season that seemed entirely too short, at times.

“Barely any teams got going,” stated one league source. “We really thought there would be a more of a race, but SKC just couldn’t be stopped.”

Kansas City finished with a total of 6 points out of a possible 6 points winning home and away, at times seemingly unable to lose.

“They were a freight train,” stated Carla Overhans of Kansas City. “It was pure domination. We never lost. I’m telling you that this team could easily take on the likes of Arsenal from 2003.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the virtual victory parade in Kansas City stretches up and down the internet.

Atlanta United Strike Wins Fan Vote For NISA Goal Of The Week

ATLANTA - A 55th minute strike by Emerson Hyndman won the National Independent Soccer Association (NISA) goal of the week fan vote despite not being nominated nor being in the correct league.

“I simply do not understand how this happened,” stated NISA IT director and director of merchandising Robert Jerran. “It defies all logic. The goal wasn’t even nominated. And we have captcha? Who knew there was a way around captcha?”

Fans of Atlanta United reportedly swamped the NISA servers to vote for the Hyndman strike as they exerted their influence on the popularity contest.

“HIS GOAL WAS THE BEST IN EVERY LEAGUE,” stated Atlanta United fan Dominic Hayes. “EVERYONE WILL RESPECT THE GOAL. BETTER THAN MESSI. BETTER THAN RONALDO. BETTER THAN EVERYONE.”

According to neutral observers, Hyndman’s goal wasn’t even the best in Major League Soccer. this week. However that didn’t stop Atlanta United fans from pushing his effort towards the top of the NISA list.

“I’m not saying it was the best goal, but it was clearly better than any goal by any team in NISA,” stated United fan Paul Stephens. “I can’t defend what our fans do, but I did vote for the goal because our team is just simply better than all the other NISA teams.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Atlanta United wins goal of the week for the NWSL in week 1.