Ebullient Alexi Lalas Acclaims The Experience Of Ordering A Migrant's Passport And Wages To Be Taken During Qatar World Cup Press Junket

Qatar - Fox Sports talking head Alexi Lalas was reportedly over the moon during a recent Qatar World Cup press junket as the television personality was able to experience the thrill of ordering a migrant's passport and wages to be taken in order to keep them in indentured servitude

“If you want to experience the rich cultural history of the leaders of Qatar you have to really get in with their customs,” stated Lalas as he ordered another migrant worker without travelling rights to sleep in a corrugated steel shack without air conditioning in the desert. “This is the best way to experience the world cup.”

Sources indicate that Lalas stated, “freedom is never free,” as he ordered a welder to have their pay docked for heatstroke.

“It’s important we observer the rich cultural traditions of the leaders of this land,” stated Lalas through an interpreter. “Such as denying LGBTQ people their right to exist.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Lalas posts a picture update to his twitter account of him notifying the family of a Nepalese migrant worker of the death of their father with the headline, “what are we upset about today, tweeps!”

USL Headquarters In Sponsorship Discussions With ITT Tech

Tampa, FL - Sources within the USL Headquarters in Tampa indicate that there are advanced negotiations going on with the league and the “Education Facility” ITT Tech.

“We think that ITT Technology will allow our less skilled players an opportunity to advance in life by pursuing a career in refrigeration technician or ball-bearing greaser,” stated one insider.

According to those privy to the deal, ITT Tech will become the official education sponsor of the USL Championship and they will offer 2 and a half credits to every player who applies for student loans during the 2023 and 2030 seasons.

“This is really a groundbreaking partnership that far exceeds the opportunities you can get at DeVry,” stated one league insider. “We all know that this will attract the best players from just outside of Cleveland to play in this league if they know that they could also have a future as a diesel mechanic.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS considers a partnership with Grand Canyon University.

ISC Conference Planners Ask LAFC Fans To Avoid Throwing Bottles And Cups At Other Attendees

Albuquerque, NM - ISC Conference 2023 planners reportedly reached out to LAFC fans to ask them to avoid throwing bottles and cups at other attendees of the annual get together, otherwise they may be restricted from going to the event.

“We felt that this should be a welcome event for everyone,” stated one anonymous member. “And honestly throwing bottles, cans or plastic cups at another fan is not something we want people to start doing.”

Sources indicate that the members of the 3252, amongst other LA groups, have pushed back stating that, “no one that’s a member threw anything at anyone and anyway throwing bottles at players and fans is how we support our team if any of us did it which we did not.”

However, despite that statement, the conference planning committee put in a place a, “no bottles or cans at the meeting,” policy to deter any potential accidents.

“It’s important to avoid anyone getting a bottle thrown at them,” stated one committee member. “And we will do our best to ensure that doesn’t happen even if we have to prohibit the ability of our members to drink anything while there.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as LAFC fans point to other fans as being the real bottle throwers in the league.

Cryogenically Frozen Big Soccer Admin Awakens From 12 Year Slumber

INTERNET - Sources indicate that the cryogenically frozen forum administrator for Big Soccer awakened from a 12 year slumber as the cracks in Twitter began to spread like the end of days.

“FINALLY. MY TIME HAS COME,” stated the administrator who immediately looked into the log files and asked about what Kanye West was up to these days. “MY MINIONS WILL TAKE OVER ALL SOCCER DISCUSSION AS WE MOVE FORWARD TOWARD…….. HOLY. SHIT………. QATAR?!.”

People in the know indicated that the administrator began work on correcting the MLS forums as clearly someone had hacked into the databased to add teams as a joke.

“NO ONE CARES ABOUT SOCCER IN THE SOUTH. WE SETTLED THIS BACK BEFORE JOHN O’BRIEN RETIRED. DID YOU KNOW ABOUT JOHN O’BRIEN? BEST USMNT PLAYER EVER. PLAYED FOR AJAX.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Administrator asks about whether he can still get repped.

Soccer Fan Quickly Posts Hot Takes To Twitter In Advance Of Platform's Impending Collapse

NEW YORK - Stating, “I gotta get these things out before no one sees them,” soccer fan Javier Garcia quickly posted, “Promotion Relegation is a lie,” followed by, “Dax McCarty WAS AN OVERRATED METRO PLAYER,” followed by, “No one actually cares how many migrants died to build the World Cup,” before he refreshed to see if Twitter still existed

Friends state that Garcia become fidgety after he realized that there was a chance that his 48 followers wouldn’t know the full truth that he lived with every day.

“He kept talking about how everyone needs to know these facts,” stated one anonymous friend. “And then he said that he has nothing to lose anymore.”

Sources indicate that Garcia quickly posted more and more incendiary “facts” to his account with the only interruption being a momentary post to ask his followers if he was shadowbanned due to the lack of engagement.

“There’s no time left,” stated Garcia to his account. “Everything from my brain must be emptied into the garbage dump of Twitter. It’s the only way that I will be reborn free from this site. All things must flow according to the whim of the Musk and then we will awaken in a new era of consciousness free from Twitter….. yes… free from Social Media!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garcia gets a surprise call from Human Resources about some of his strident online views.

Area Man Already Angry At Unreleased USMNT Roster

Omaha, NE - USMNT super fan Steve Williams tweeted, “BERHALTER OUT WITH THIS SHIT,” as he reacted to the un-released USMNT roster in advance of the release.

“This roster is HORSESHIT,” stated Williams to the scenarios he created in his head. “We will never be a true soccer country until we clean the entire structure of US Soccer so that our best prospects playing in the 2nd French division receive a call up over any MLS Player”

Sources indicate that Williams was likely to be upset about any lineup as he frequently found reasons to hate literally everything the team did. However many people said that was being unfair.

“He only hates what Greg Berhalter does,” stated friend Cathy Evans. “Well and Bruce Arena, Bob Bradley, Sunil Gulati, and the entirety of Major League Soccer, every player that’s every played for Major League Soccer and Steve Sampson who he actually never watched coach a USMNT game.”

The Nutmeg News as Williams takes to his Twitter account to tell people to expect a live Podcast reaction on his youtube channels instagram feed about the situation.

Don Garber Announces, "DO Cross The line," Campaign

LOS ANGELES - At his State Of The Union speech, Commissioner Don Garber announced a new DO Cross The Line campaign for MLS ownership groups.

“We’ve been too strict with the morality monitoring in recent years,” stated Garber to gathered reporters. “I still regret that we removed Dell Loy Hansen from ownership and the Jorge Vergara situation was just unfortunate. I am announcing a new DO Cross The Line Campaign that will free up our ownership groups to do whatever they want at any time without repercussion.”

Sources indicate that the DO Cross The Line campaign will educate owners that they can get away with literally anything they want as long as they are making money for the league.

“Owners have been informed that impeding an investigation, sexually harassing women, sexually assaulting women, racial abuse, blackmailing cities for public money investments into stadiums and stating repeated willful falsehoods to the paying customers are all ok, as long as the team is bringing in the cash to the league,” stated one league insider.

“The DO Cross The Line campaign will start with a series of videos on how to arrange after hours hotel visits between male executives and female staff before breaking out into groups discussing ways to deflect public accusations of sexual harassment.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Commissioner Garber announces that Merritt Paulson will receive a bonus for having more than 2 ongoing investigations into his team over the past year.

OPINION: What If The Most Outlaw Thing Anyone Can Do Is Turn In Their Fellow Fans Who Are Critical Of Qatar In Order to Get A Free Trip

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from A Fan of Omaha, NE The viewpoints and opinions of A. Fan do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

“Websters defines an Outlaw as one that is unconventional or rebellious. With the report breaking today of the beneficial nature of the relationship between the American Outlaws and state regime that runs Qatar, I ask you, the reader, what is more rebellious than turning in our own fans who are critical of the government and human rights record of Qatar for free a free trip.

“I believe…. I believe that…. I believe that Qatar didn’t enslave migrants, withhold passports and kill workers in order to hold the World Cup”

Throughout the whole of human history we have seen daring rebels take on the establishment.

When Sid Vicious smashed a guitar on stage, that was the equivalent of turning in a few twitter accounts that detailed the detailed the deaths of migrant workers in Qatar for a chartered flight

When Johnny Cash flipped off the camera for that poster that hangs on my wall, that was the equivalent of getting free tickets for reporting fans who made private posts on Facebook that are critical of the extreme homophobic laws that Qatar has which will endanger fans at the World Cup.

When Scarface did that line of coke, that’s exactly the same as me getting private access to the temporary beer areas and a trailer of my own to sleep in if I turn in a few more fans for tweeting that Qatar practiced a form of slavery by not allowing migrant workers to leave while also not paying them.

There is nothing more American Outlaw than our rebellious nature and I say the biggest rebels of all are the ones that willingly endanger and turn on their own fans in order to gain access to the glorious nation of Qatar and the World Cup that will be the best ever held. GO QATAR.”

Welcome To Wrexham Team Greenlights Additional Episode Explaining Why The Tories Suck

Wrexham, Wales - The production team behind the television series documenting the takeover of AFC Wrexham by American television star Rob McElhenney and his friend Ryan, indicated that they would greenlight an additional episode of the second series to explain exactly who the Tories are and why they suck.

“Our viewers may not know about austerity,” stated McElhenney to The Nutmeg News as he closed 30 Wikipedia tabs in the background. “They may not know about Thatcher cutting public services or eliminating the free school milk program. They may not know about the collapse of industrial Liverpool or the antithetical nature of Tory politics to Scouse Solidarity. It’s going to be part of Welcome To Wrexham that we explain these things to our North American audience as we did with the football hooligans and bromances.”

Sources indicate that McElhenney was floating the idea of explaining Labour Party politics, Rees-Moog memes and the class political voting nature of Britain before binning it for an episode that focuses specifically on the Tory politicians just being a box of assholes.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Welcome To Wrexham: Fuck The Tories will debut in October of 2023.

Merritt Paulson Appoints Calvin Wilkerton As General Manager Of Thorns And Timbers

PORTLAND - Stating, “We must rebuild the trust in our organization,” Portland Thorns and Portland Timbers owner Merritt Paulson stated that he was appointing former New Zealand international Calvin Wilkerton as General Manager of both teams.

Wilkerton’s club statistics were not immediately available.

“We are excited to start a new, more transparent future together,” stated Paulson about Wilkerton. “Calvin comes from a long background of playing , managing and general managing club teams. He has expertise with both men and women’s programs and we expect him to fit in perfectly around here.”

The Nutmeg News pool reporter questioned whether Calvin Wilkerton is just Gavin Wilkinson wearing a fake mustache and Paulson stated, “Certain dissident fans would have you believe these salacious rumors but I can guarantee you nothing is further from the truth. We’ve signed Calvin to a 3 year contract to prove that he is not Gavin Wilkinson.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Paulson announces a new business executive hire of Michael Grolub.

Merritt Paulson Delays Response As He Looks At High Resolution Security Footage Of Last Timbers Game To Isolate Fans Responsible For Scandal

Portland, OR - Merritt Paulson, the owner of the Portland Thorns and Timbers, delayed his response to the Sally Yates report as he spent the last 24 hours looking at high resolution security footage of the last Portland Timbers game in order to identify the specific fans responsible for the scandal that beset both of the teams he controls.

“This guy here once called me a spineless daddy’s boy on Twitter,” stated Paulson as he zoomed in on a figure holding up a two-stick. “I have a belief that he is directly responsible for the way that Cindy Parlow Cone was hyper sensitive to a casual comment by Mike Golub.”

Paulson reportedly had the security footage made available to himself as he asked for the secret folders he keeps on fans to cross reference to video shots in order to identify those who have been actively plotting to bring down his team.

“That guy right there once said that he didn’t think Gavin Wilkinson was a good evaluator of talent on an Instagram comment from 2012,” stated Paulson. “He has clearly been planning this from the beginning. And this woman here has been commenting on every Facebook post that I am responsible. This whole scandal is Fake News stirred up by dissident fans who just hate a successful man. The whole operation. The fans are the ones responsible and I will make certain that I identify every single one that participated in this charade.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Timbers and Thorns put out a press release stating that they are actually right and everyone else is wrong.

NWSL Owner Used To Looking The Other Way Disappointed To See TV Coverage Of NWSL Scandal In Peripheral Vision

CHICAGO - Arnim Whisler, majority owner of the Chicago Red Stars, claimed that he was disappointed to see television coverage of the NWSL scandal which directly involved himself and the Chicago Red Stars after spending years looking the other way.

“I’ve been dutifully ignoring my responsibilities in all this,” stated Whisler to The Nutmeg News. “And imagine trying to completely avoid any culpability in hiring a monster to coach your team only to see that point brought up on the evening news. It’s positively exhausting.”

Sources indicate that Whisler sighed to himself and tried to look the other away again like he did with the allegations against Rory Dames only to see a condemnation of his organization on the website of USA Today.

“What good is wealth and influence if it doesn’t insulate me against these accusations,” stated Whisler. “I go to this website to avoid anything that might name me in the slightest and I didn’t look the other way to see something about me on every paper.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Whisler continues to claim that he is the victim in all this.

Orlando City Fan Saves, "USOC Is A Meaningless Competition Anyway," Tweet To Drafts

Orlando, FL - Covering all his bases, Orlando City fan Tom Watson typed out and saved a, “USOC Is A Meaningless Competition Anyway,” tweet to his drafts as he prepared for the worst.

“Better safe than sorry,” stated Watson as he prepared for the game this evening. “I’m not saying that this team is jinxed, but this team IS Orlando City. Until proven otherwise, I’m ready for pain tonight.”

Friends say that Watson is always pretty reactionary as they shrugged off his gloom and prepared for an inevitable Orlando City win, but Watson stated that what they say doesn’t bother him.

“To be honest, I was 10 seconds away from actually scheduling that tweet for tonight, but I decided to have a little positivity. What these people don’t understand is that just because we are favored to win doesn’t mean shit.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Watson spends the entire game saying, “oh here we go,” in disgust.

Former Fulham Fan Seems To Be Supporting Leeds Now

Omaha, NE - Friends state that long time die-hard Fulham fan Rocky Anderson appears to be supporting Leeds now as he stated, “This feels like the old times again,” after Leeds took a lead in the Carabao Cup.

“I remember Rocky being REALLY into the Fulhamerica thing,” stated friend David Harrison. “So I guess he is just doing it with Leeds this time.”

“Didn’t he really like Blackburn at one time, as well,” questioned friend Anne Stewart. “I think he has a Blackburn kit in his closet, an Anderlecht kit, a Bolton kit, an Everton kit and even a Stabæk kit. I never really knew which team he was going to pull out.”

Sources indicate that Anderson flipped to Leeds after casually lessening the amount of time he talked about Fulham online over the last 10 years until no one would actually know he ever swore his allegiance to them in the first place.

“I’m really just about watching the American kids develop into this new crop of talent in England,” stated the man who once indicated that he was Fulham til he die, on a Fulham message board, regardless of whether the team had American players or not.

“I’m just looking at a new future and it’s a future with Leeds. I watched The Damned United so I know what I’m getting myself into,” stated Anderson.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an Ebay account linked to Anderson lists a Clint Dempsey Fulham kit for sale.

Majority of 87,000 Armed IRS Agents Dedicated To Figuring Out Which Players Are Actually Designated Players In MLS

WASHINGTON - Sources indicate that the vast majority of the 87,000 armed IRS agents hired via the Inflation Reduction Act will be tasked by President Biden to figure out which players are actually designated players in Major League Soccer.

“No one REALLY knows anymore,” stated one insider source. “I mean we think Miami had upward of 13 over the last two seasons, and LAFC may have 46 designated players with some designated players actually playing in the USL. The agents must get to the bottom of this.”

Rumors swirled around the league after Miami FC were fined by the league for having players who should’ve been counted as designated players in 2020. With the Gareth Bale non-dp-dp players in the league, sources indicate that the IRS is ready to move on MLS in order to verify the books.

“This is a dangerous assignment,” stated one anonymous IRS source. “It is imperative that our agents be armed and moderately trained by playing Escape From Tarkov for 10 hours before they take the field. We expect resistence but we will not be swayed from our task. We WILL figure out how many designated players there are in the league and which players they are.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as IRS investigators open a congressional inquiry into what the hell TAM has to do with anything.

FIFA 2023 To Contain Supporters Group Mode Where You Spend All Your Time Online Arguing About Literally Everything

INTERNET - EA Sports announced that the last FIFA game ever made, FIFA 2023, would contain a supporters group mode where you inhabit a virtual world as a player created protagonist who spends all their time arguing with strangers and friends about literally everything.

“This mode will allow our players to really delve into the mind of a supporters group member,” stated EA game architect Jerry Hernandez. “You can join a group, become passionate, become too passionate, fall out of favor, create a splinter group, become extremely passionate, become too passionate, get a year ban, create a second splinter group from the original splinter group and then spend the last 10 simulated years slowly sniping at people from anonymous online accounts while you increasingly find that you never liked soccer in the first place.”

Beta testers of the new mode indicate that it fully simulates the life cycle of a supporters group member from wide eyed noob to the passionate middle years to the bitter, cynical gatekeeping years to the too old but not leaving yet years where you use your ability to hold on to power as a desperate ploy to keep your relevance amongst people 20 to 30 years younger than yourself.

“We finally heard all of our fans and we’ve licensed Twitter, Instagram, Tik Tok, Reddit, Discord, Facebook Groups, Supporters specific forums, WhatsApp, and even LinkedIn for your online battlegrounds. Tell your friends to fuck off because they aren’t supporting the boys in your virtual family Facebook Group. Rant to your work associates about the closed soccer pyramid in the United States on LinkedIn and see how far you can go before you lose your job. Attempt to turn your career as a continual malcontent on your Supporters Group Discord into a stand up comedy gig that no one attends during open mic night! It’s IN THE GAME!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FIFA 2023 allows Supporters Group cross play between PC and console players as the PC players complain about the slur assist that console players get via X-Box controls.

Watchdog Claims Lack Of Oversight As Goalie Wars Enter Simmering Détente

WASHINGTON - The international watchdog overseeing keeper on keeper aggression (IWOKOK) claimed that the lack of oversight during the re-escalation of the Goalie Wars would lend itself to atrocities and endless war as the current armed conflict entered a simmering détente.

“The so-called victory of Alec Smir will only lead to a national arms race,” stated IWOKOK member Rachael Stewart. “Without oversite and the placement of international watchdogs local to the Goalie Wars we could be headed towards a secret conflagration that is only viewed by the elites as some kind of sick sport.”

Sources indicate that battle lines were drawn and state sponsored combatants engaged, recently, as the goalie wars once again took place in the Middle West.

“We had 21 years of peace,” stated Stewart to The Nutmeg News. “This is a development that the world cannot simply sustain. We must have peace, and we must have accord.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the FBI reports they found codes to the nuclear goalkeeping arsenal at Mar-a-Lago.

Area Man Too Old For Supporters Group Shit Anymore

INTERNET - As soon as he turned 42, this weekend, soccer supporter Tom Hendricks stated, “I am too old for this shit,” as he decided against figuring out what the fresh round of supporters group drama was online and focused instead on planning his 2023 vacation.

Hendricks, 42, states that he doesn’t believe that being in a supporters group has aged him prematurely.

“I put in my time,” stated Hendricks. “I cared, at one point. I kept abrest of all the nuances and currents that floated around me. Then… I woke up on my birthday and said… you know what? Fuck it."

Sources indicate that Hendricks’ online presence seemed lighter and more focused on just having fun with his friends than usual.

“Usually by now he’d be ranting about people he doesn’t know and things he wasn’t around to see,” stated section friend Phillip Williams. “But all he tweeted out was that the weather looks like it’s going to be good in Costa Rica around January.”

For his part, Hendricks stated, “You know what…. nah,” when asked if he wanted the details of what happened. “It finally happened. I have better shit to do and after the 436th time this stuff has come up I’ve realized its really them and not me. Me? I’ve got some of my own shit to worry about.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hendricks relaxes in a hammock as he mutes the group chat of his soccer friends texting him screenshots.

Minnesota United Win Over Everton Convinces Fan That Loons Are At Least A League Two Side

Minneapolis, MN - The recent 4-0 win over Everton by Major League Soccer (MLS) side Minnesota United reportedly convinced Loons fan Daniel Evans that his team is at least a League Two level side.

“If we can defeat Everton, then we could be very competitive with the likes of Gillingham, Grimsby, Doncaster and Leyton Orient,” posted Evans to his Twitter account.

Evans insisted that if you take into account the level of Everton, that he thought the Loons could even challenge Northampton Town.

“This decisive victory over Everton proves that this team is ready for the struggle for promotion out of League Two,” stated Evans. “I think this victory of Everton shows our abilities and I think that with a full squad we could even challenge above the level of Everton and push for mid table as a League One side.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Minnesota United get knocked out of the US Open Cup by a group of semi-pros again.

Colorado Rapids Announce They Are Not Giving Up On The Season Until After Second Transfer Window

Denver, CO - Vehemently denying that they are done making deals for 2022, the front office of the Rapids stated that they would, “Not give up on the season until after the second transfer window is closed.”

“We will be tough and we will fight all the way until the end of August 4th,” stated one Rapids insider. “At which point we will then give up, but NOT one moment before then.”

Indicating that the trade of Mark-Anthony Kaye was, “only the beginning,” the Rapids detailed their upcoming plans to aggressively try to win the season until August 4th before collapsing during the fall.

“This is OUR time,” stated one anonymous source. “You cannot look at these deals in isolation. You HAVE to look at our record over the last 5 years, or rather… forget that… what we mean is that you can only look at what we are going to do going forward that only we know about that we won’t tell you about because we have a plan. We are going to win these next few weeks and then we are going to give up, but we won’t give up until we win these next few weeks. I know the boys in the locker room feel the pressure of August 4th just like everyone else.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Rapids reach out to an underperforming USL midfielder, a depth fullback from Macedonia and a possible backup striker from Benin.