Area Man Plans To Release Incriminating Berhalter/Univision Footage As Soon As He Learns How To Deep Fake A Pregame Show

INTERNET - Conspiracy theorist, rumor monger and all around shithead Dallas @USMNTWarEagle Filbert stated that he would release the incriminating Berhalter/Univision television footage just as soon as he learns how to deep fake a pre-game show.

“I know what I heard and even though I can’t find any actual proof of it I’m not about to let that stop my adamant belief that this happened,” stated Filbert.

Random Twitter accounts also reported the what Filbert heard was true, although they couldn’t find any proof either as they lambasted the, "parasitic US Soccer Media who wants GGG to come to your house, take your guns and make your brothers sign a loyalty oath to Don Garber.”

“I know FOR A FACT, that I heard what I heard,” stated @RedWhiteAndBlueBalls, “And what I heard is that Dave heard that Ralph heard that Roger heard that Jeff heard that @TruthSeekerGGG heard that @28skidooratface heard that @laughingstockusmnt heard that @usmntwareagle heard that Greg is calling all the shots as head coach and this is some bullshit.”

People involved with the broadcast denied the point blank accusations but all that did was inflame tensions with the QMNT conspiracy theorists as they claimed it had to be part of the signs that foretell the,“Great awakening.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as some idiot somewhere online will demand a march on US Soccer Headquarters.

Man Comparing Berhalter To Hitler Thinks Dinner Date Is Going Well

Denver, CO - While in the middle of an unbidden rant comparing USMNT head coach Gregg Berhalter and genocidal mass murderer Adolph Hitler, Chance David thought, “this is going really well,” as his date Philipa Wilson began to look around wildly for the exit.

Stating, “you know, my thousands of followers online depend upon me for unvarnished truth like this,” Mr. David started to ask if Ms. Wilson wanted desert as she frantically took a fake phone call from her friend Roshelle that they arranged for this date if Ms. Wilson sent a “help” text message.

“This is just insane,” stated Ms. Wilson to which Mr. David cut her off and stated, “Oh absolutely but the corruption of the US Stasi Soccer Federation, as I call it, goes DEEP. It’s like an onion but at the center is Berhalter who is being manipulated by the shadowy board who drinks the blood of children to keep themselves young so they can control US Soccer forever.”

“I have to go…. because… um…. just no,” stated the woman as she stood up and thrust some cash at David who waived it off.

“I take care of milady,” stated David to the chagrin of literally everyone present who didn’t already hate him for the loud conversation containing bullshit rumors and half baked conspiracy theories presented as fact.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as David googles whether George Soros donates to the USSF and ends up spending 4 more hours on 8chan.

Major League Soccer Announces, "No Biting," Rule For Absolutely No Reason Whatsoever

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS), today, announced a new, “No Biting,” rule for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

“We felt that we hadn’t addressed this explicitly enough,” stated one league insider. “So we thought that we would ensure people know that there is absolutely no biting between players on the field.”

When asked if this was regarding a specific a player acquisition, Major League Soccer issued a terse non-denial denial.

“We cannot say that this is in response to any player current, past or future,” stated one league representative. “However, we can say that it is important… NOW… for us to define that in fact you can not attempt to eat any player on the field, bite them, nibble them or even gently caress them with your teeth.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans ready themselves for the return of Nigel de Jong.

Birmingham Fan On Record 42nd Retelling Of Missed Handball Call In US Open Cup Game

Birmingham, AL - Birmingham Legion fan Dale Williams was reportedly on his 42nd retelling of the missed handball call in the US Open Cup game against Inter Miami as he gathered his fellow employees around the break room to hold court.

“So there I was,” stated Williams as he began to wax poetic about the egregious miss by the referee, “And I tell you what, I could not believe that I could see it and he could not. I was sitting as close to you as I was to the handball. We all knew. Hell, he knew. Oh you know he knew what he knew and what he didn’t know and what he didn’t know was what we knew.”

Sources say that Williams began his record breaking streak retelling of the situation in the game that denied his team the ability to take a penalty kick in the parking lot of the stadium as he left.

He reportedly continued telling the story to literally every single person he met as he continued to express his disbelief that the call wasn’t made.

“This guy used to tell me that soccer was for losers,” stated good friend Andrew Bates. “Now he’s talking about how they need to implement VAR. What the actual hell is VAR?”

For his part, Williams expressed disbelief again at the events of last night as he stated, “They had to be paid off. Had to be.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams begins cataloging which referee is officiating which game so he can keep track of when he needs to be pre-upset and boo the official on the field.

Lionel Messi Appointed Captain Of 2023 MLS All Star Team

INTERNET - In expected news, new Inter Miami player Lionel Messi was appointed the captain of the 2023 MLS All Star Team.

Despite having not played a single game in the league, sources say that Messi was honored to receive the adulation as he stated, “It’s always been my dream to be an MLS All Star. Finally I can say that I have achieved everything in my career.”

League sources say that this was determined back when David Beckham originally was allocated the right to form Inter Miami as one of the clauses was, “Lionel Messi is an all star.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this after our executives finish running around the news room cackling with glee.

Chicago Fire Reseller Still Can't Find Buyer For Messi Tickets

CHICAGO - Despite the international appeal of former soccer player Lionel Messi signing with Inter Miami, Chicago Fire ticket reseller Roger James admitted that he can’t find a buyer for Messi tickets that he purchased in bulk.

“I bought 20 SG section tickets in anticipation for Messi's return,” stated James to The Nutmeg News, “and the only offers I got was 5 dollars and someone asking if this was a Bears minor league team.”

Sources indicate that James had had issues selling any Fire tickets over the last few years.

“People would buy them because they thought I was selling supporter tickets to a behind the scenes taping of the show Chicago Fire,” stated James. “They always asked for refunds when they realized there was a soccer team in the area. I just had to stop selling them after a while.”

However with news of Messi potentially playing against the Fire in Chicago, James thought he could make a tidy profit flipping tickets for the upcoming event.

“As it turns out, it looks like the Fire have burnt through every bit of goodwill left in the area,” stated James. “Anyway, I offered them as a donation to a boys and girls club in the area and they just said, ‘no,’ with an additional response of, ‘we don’t take our children out to events to make them sad,’ so i guess that’s not an option either.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as James offers a buy one get 10 option to anyone interested.

Lionel Messi Announces Glorious Return To Boyhood Club In Fort Lauderdale

Fort Lauderdale, FL - International superstar Lionel Messi announced a glorious return to the verdant fields of his boyhood club in Fort Lauderdale as he proclaimed his signing with Inter Miami.

“Long have I languished for a return to the resplendent fields of DRV PNK stadium where I formed my footballing consciousness,” stated Messi through an interpreter. “Down the NW 12th avenue past ABC Supply Co and Baby Borrow Rental…. ahh the memories.”

Sources say that part of the reason that Messi decided upon Inter Fort Lauderdale was his emotional connection to the situation over signing with the Saudi League.

“He just wanted another chance to play in front of his home crowd,” stated one anonymous insider. “It was all about the Fort Lauderdale faithful and his ability to reconnect with his homeland.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Messi celebrates his return by ordering a large Queso and Chips at the Chili’s down the street.

NWSL Fan Now Local Expert In VPN Configuration

Orlando, FL - Orlando Pride fan Suzanne Phillips was acknowledged by her friends to now be the local expert in VPN configuration as she routinely uses them to get around the terrible streaming options available to people in order to watch NWSL games.

“Look, we can talk about Surfshark, we can talk about Private Internet Access, but what we really need to talk about is your originating traffic and how to get the least amount of latency while still having access to the international stream,” stated Phillips to a collection of friends on a group chat.

Sources say that Phillips realized she could get around any geo locked streaming issues and watch games without having to fork over a bunch of money if she just did a deep dive into obtaining a VPN and using it to get around the blockade.

“It turns out that it’s easier to watch the league if you don’t live here,” stated Phillips. “So I just made it so that I don’t live here, from the perspective of the website, so that I enjoy some simple streaming from my laptop to my chromecast on my television. It made complete sense.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Phillips spends the afternoon running a test setup of streaming through a vpn on her phone while trying to block the location function so she can be portable.

Betrayed By The PGA Tour Selling Out To LIV Golf Oil Money, American Sports Fan Turns To Incorruptible English Men's Soccer

BOSTON - Betrayed by the Professional Golfers’ Association (PGA) selling out to LIV golf oil money, American sports fan Bob Leduke claimed he was going to turn to the incorruptible and holy sanctum of English Soccer, instead.

“These teams don’t need Saudi Oil money to succeed,” stated Leduke to his friends. “They are the heartbeat of their community, not the plaything of an Oil Sheik intent upon destroying the sports ecosystem around the world.”

Sources say that Leduke always had a passing interest in the game after he was given a Newcastle scarf in a pub in England during a month long trip through the country to attend the British Open.

“These fans really get it,” stated Leduke. “Did you know that the bottom three teams in the league are demoted down a league? It’d be like sending the Yankees down to play Triple A. Someone should do something like that over here. They also have a tournament where any team in the country can play. someone should do something like that over here.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Leduke claims that he is, “shopping for a team of my own to be a fan of,” on his Facebook page.

Nation Exhales As LAFC Loses

UNITED STATES - The collected supporters of every soccer team in the United States exhaled as LAFC lost in the CONCACAF Champions League Final.

Sources with fan groups from every team in every league in the United States stated that they were extremely relieved to avoid having to deal with the absolutely over the top coverage that would inevitably happen from the league if LAFC won.

“The coverage was going to be endless…. ENDLESS,” stated Columbus Crew supporter Alan Williams.

“It was bad enough when Seattle won the CCL, but this would be covered by the league on a level akin to the moon landing,” stated New York Red Bull fan Sean Lewis.

“I just want to say that I am very satisfied to be Leon fan for the last 90 minutes,” stated Salt Lake fan Harold Langum.

“Today was a good day,” stated Galaxy fan Paul Pedrosia.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this MLS for Leon fades into recent memory.

NYCFC Players Form Up Outside E Lawrence Street Office To Demand IT Employee Explain Why He's Surfing Instagram Model Accounts Instead Of Updating Jira Ticket

NEW YORK - Players from Major League Soccer’s (MLS) New York City FC (NYCFC) reportedly gathered outside the office building of the NYC Office of Technology & Innovation center to demand that IT Employee Josh Hutchens explain why he was surfing Instagram looking at fitness model accounts on his phone instead of updating a Jira ticket regarding the request for a VPN authenticator reset from Karen Hughes of Queens.

“This is some bullshit,” stated backup goalkeeper Roger Sands. “She’s been waiting on this all morning and you are sitting there looking at social media. I expect better, from you. We….. WE demand better from you.”

Sources say that the meeting was tense as the players demanded better from Hutchens in the future and Hutchens defended his non-work at work as, “None of your business.”

“I just don’t understand why they think they have a voice,” stated Hutchens to The Nutmeg News. “They aren’t in our scrums. They aren’t in our standups. They don’t know the pressure we are under at the datacenter.”

Sources say that, however, the NYCFC players were adamant regarding a better performance from Hutchens. “Our taxes pay your salary,” stated one anonymous player wearing a balaclava and sitting astride a police barricade “I don’t pay up every season in order for you to figure out a way to take a 15 minute bathroom break right before you go to lunch. Get out there and get stuck in.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hutchens opens up the Jira ticket then opens up a virtual machine then opens a browser window to fix the issue and then, instead, opens up Reddit to complain about his job.

"Who Could POSSIBLY Predict This," States Austin Soccer Fan

Austin, TX - Soccer fan James Williams stated, “Who could’ve POSSIBLY predicted this,” as he ranted about Anthony Precourt to the internet with the replies turned off to his post, except for his circle.

Anthony Precourt seen with an Austin FC scarf.

While some Austin fans have been grumbling in person about the product on the field, the cost of tickets, and the cost of concessions, people like Williams took to the internet to put the ownership of Austin FC on blast as they levied serious charges at Anthony Precourt.

“It’s almost like Precourt wants to systematically destroy any organic support in the area,” stated Williams. “It’s almost as though his business acumen isn’t in tune with the local fans and he only sees this as a fanbase that he can leverage. I just don’t understand how no one has ever reported on this before. Next thing you know he is going to be talking about business metrics.”

Williams boldly claimed that he conducted no research on Precourt although he admitted systematically blocked hundreds of so-called “haters” around 2018 because they were, “totally annoying and sad.”

Then Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams finds out that water is, in fact, wet and that the Pope is, as well, Catholic.

Reinvigorated Galaxy Fan Excited To Get Back To Blaming The Coach And Players

LOS ANGELES - Los Angeles Galaxy fan Adam James stated that he was, “absolutely PUMPED,” that general manager Chris Klein was out as he stated, “Now if they can just can Vanney and all the rest of the shit on the pitch.”

Sources say that James had tempered all of his recent arguments with statements such as, “none of this really matters until Klein is out,” when discussing the disappointing season. However, friends say that his attitude changed when hearing the news.

“THESE LAZY ASS BUMS BETTER GET TO WORK,” stated James to his Galaxy group chat. “They don’t have anyone to protect them anymore. I want to see heads roll. We need players who aren’t just utter dog shit.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Galaxy fans celebrate while the front office reaches out to Claudio Reyna for talks.

Record Breaking Football Manager Save Tainted By Accusations Of Save Scumming

INTERNET - Jason Williams’ record breaking Football Manager save was, reportedly, tainted by accusations of save scumming by online Football Manager forum moderator, beta tester, and all-around Football Manager expert “AnalJesus4U”.

In a forum post titled, “The TRUTH,” AnalJesus4U laid out the circumstances surrounding the almost impossible situation that Williams claimed was performed without any kind of modifications stating, “There is no way this was accomplished without the help of save scumming and playing on the Sunday League Manager setting.”

Save Scumming is a term that indicates the situation of reloading the last saved game whenever the player character dies or an unfavorable outcome has been encountered.

Sources say that AnalJesus4U spent a significant portion of last weekend between 2 to 4 am debunking the save status of Williams as he detailed his findings online.

“We can see CONCLUSIVELY that the odds given to accomplishing a perfect season with no goal given up in the Premier League with the team that he had is virtually zero,” stated AnalJesus4U. “As such, the only conclusion is that of Save Scumming.”

For his part, Williams rebuffed the accusations as he accused AnalJesus4U of being, “so shit,” and stated, “Get good, bro.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams adds the statistics from his last 5 seasons of Football manager to his resume in his attempt to get a coaching position with Arizona State.

TFC Megaphone Releases Statement Claiming, "I Was Just Doing My Job"

TORONTO - The megaphone thrown at Mark-Anthony Kaye released a statement, today, claiming, “I was just doing my job,” as it attempted to fend off a stadium ban for entering the field of play.

Sources for the megaphone claimed that the device was profoundly sorry for being yeeted at the TFC player in a childish tantrum that will inevitably result in a ban for the supporter involved.

“I’ve never seen them so down,” stated friend and bullhorn Pyle. “It wasn’t their fault that they were thrown at the player. They were just doing their job.”

The megaphone was reportedly horrified to find itself flying end over end as it tried to apologize to Kaye only to find out that it had no voice.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as North American soccer fans continue to mimic what people in Serbia post to Ultras-Tifo.

Frank Klopas Takes Over Chicago Fire For The... Oh... Honestly... Who Gives A Shit Anymore

CHICAGO - Sources say that writers started multiple blog entries with the intent to detail Frank Klopas taking over the team again for the third time only to be stopped because they just realized they didn’t care about writing the same article again.

“Honestly, who gives a shit anymore,” stated one blogger who still covers the team. “It’s like I’m perpetually in the twilight zone where every choice is made over and over and over again and nothing ever changes.”

Sources indicate that the situation with the Fire would anger the last remaining supporters if they hadn’t spent the last game mainlining Malort and checking on the status of their Football Manager save.

“The only way this is funny is if they, now, hire Frank Yallop before letting him go and having Brian Bliss take over again,” stated one anonymous fan. “Then we can start the cycle all over again.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Klopas takes over the team in 2025 for the fourth time.

Worst Person You Know Now Subscribed To Twitter Blue

INTERNET - Sources say that the worst person you know online is now subscribed to Twitter Blue as soccer posts were inundated by the prioritization of the least intelligent discourse online.

“Oh… @USMNTfever is subscribed to twitter Blue? Yeah, not surprised,” stated one person online. “The moderately racist rants and overt Elon Musk fanboy posts really illustrate why they would shell out the money. It’s absolutely insane they have 15,000 followers online although if you look at their list of followers it is a lot of @usernamebunchofnumbers.”

Sources say that nearly every soccer post that includes some kind of mention of politics, policy, or even basic human functions now includes prioritized idiots arguing at the top of every feed.

“It’s great,” stated one veteran Twitter user. “Now I know who to block.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Twitter Blue subscribers complain about their lack of engagement.

Boston Based Tottenham Fan Wondering If He Really Made The Right Choice To Follow Team Forever By Randomly Picking Them On FIFA 8 years Ago

BOSTON - Boston based Tottenham Hotspur fan Paul Williams stated that the truly doesn’t know if he made the right choice by following Tottenham as his forever team when he randomly picked them on FIFA 2015 as his team to play.

“You know……………………..,” stated Williams with a deep sigh to his Harry Kane kit hanging in his closet, “I probably could’ve done some research first.”

Sources say that Williams was full of excitement to learn the ins and outs of the Premier League nearly 10 years ago as he began his deep descent into passionate soccer fandom.

“He REALLY got into Spurs,” stated Becky Goldman from Somerville. “One day it was Celtics this and Celtics that and the next day he was talking about whether Mauricio Pochettino was on his way to being the next Alex Ferguson.”

For his part, Williams stated, “wow,” at the recent developments with Spurs as he tried to figure out whether he was due a refund from the players for the last 8 years of his fandom.

“I mean, wow, if this is what it’s going to be like, then um… look… I’m just saying… I could’ve randomly picked Real Madrid instead.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams states that he bought a Vinícius kit because he just likes the way he plays.

SKC Superfan Placed In Protective Custody For His Own Safety

KANSAS CITY - Authorities in Kansas City announced today that Sporting Kansas City (SKC) superfan Kevin "KEVIÑCHO" Lopez has been placed in protective custody this weekend, "in order to provide for his own safety."

Viewers of Lopez's popular YouTube channel, on which he provides live commentary during SKC games, apparently contacted authorities after Lopez's 10-minute meltdown during SKC's 1-0 loss to the Colorado Rapids on April 2nd. In the YouTube video, Lopez was seen to curse the SKC team, SKC coaching staff, and SKC management in both English and Spanish during an extended rant.

Authorities have not disclosed Lopez's location but did issue a press release stating based upon the Colorada and San Jose game that they remanded Lopez to an unknown location. They stated that Lopez was resting comfortably and was being provided with a, "soothing environment," which included piped-in sounds of wind chimes and a babbling brook as well as videos of puppies and kittens.

Lopez will apparently be barred from watching any football content for the immediate future, although the press release did indicate that after an appropriate calming period Lopez would be eased back into watching football starting with career highlight reels of Diego Maradona and Lionel Messi followed by games of the 2000 Supporter's Shield and MLS Cup winning season of the Kansas City Wizards. In the latter case, authorities indicated that Lopez will be told that the videos are of current SKC games, and that the team fired head coach Peter Vermes and adopted a throw back game kit for the remainder of the season.

Lopez could not be reached for comment, although videos have emerged of Kansas City authorities removing him from his home during which he can be heard to shout "¡Abandonad la esperanza, todos los que entráis CMP!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an appearance by KEVIÑCHO on a YouTube stream starts rumors of a replacement illuminati doppelincho.

MLS Concerned That Punishing Vanzeir Will Alienate Racist Fans

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) insiders stated that the league was concerned that punishing Dante Vanzeir additionally for admitted racist language would alienate racists, as they push to create a big tent for everyone to enjoy soccer.

“We aren’t a political sport,” stated one league insider. “And if racists want to come enjoy soccer we don’t want to make them feel bad for their racist outbursts. Punishing Vanzeir additionally for what happened wouldn’t do anything for our brand other than making it appear that we don’t accept racism, and we need all the fans we can get.”

It was announced today that Vanzeir would receive a six game suspension for his admitted racist outburst categorizing racist language behind PEDs in terms of severity.

“Look you can demean races all you want on the field, that’s a six game suspension,” stated one insider. “But we believe that everyone agrees that drugs are going to get you 10 games just like we did with Roman Torres.”

Sources say that while fans were disappointed with the six game suspension that they needed to look at it from every angle.

“What does it say to the racist soccer fans out there if we give him a larger suspension,” stated one league insider. “What we are saying, if we did that, is that this league doesn’t want racists as fans. Six games hits the sweet spot where we can say we did something but it isn’t enough to attract the attention of Fox News.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Alexi Lalas tries to construct a strawman argument built around whether people can grow and change.